Original subtitles

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today Oh, Mandy. ♪

TRADITIONAL JAPANESE MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC CHANGES TO HIGHER TEMPO

Dig in, lads. Don't be shy.

I'm not meant to talk, but, erm...

..it's a bit awkward otherwise, isn't it?

Bit weird, you know, just lying here with bits of fish on me,

but it's actually quite relaxing.

Like sushi, do you?

I wouldn't touch it meself.

I've heard it gives you tapeworm.

One man had a 12 foot tapeworm inside him. Did you read about that?

No.

Fuckin' disgusting.

Don't let me put you off.

You haven't got a ciggy on you, have ya?

Gasping for a fag.

Me arms are covered in prawns.

Ta.

MAN GASPS Mandy Cutter!

No smoking!

Oh, sorry.

It's a cruel culture, in't it?

You be quiet.

Have you seen their game shows?

I said be quiet.

God, it's like Bridge Over The River Kwai all over again, in't it?

MANDY LAUGHS You are a racist.

And you're a fish pervert.

You are fired!

Get out! All right.

Fine. I'll get me coat.

You owe me for an hour and half.

I will not pay you one penny.

Right.

Taking that, then.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry. I can't help feeling a bit bad

about what happened in there.

Is there any way I can make it up to you? Maybe...

..take you out for a drink?

You weren't one of the Bulger boys, were you?

No.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Yeah, you seem quite normal.

Apart from all that naked sushi stuff.

Yeah, all right. Pick me up tomorrow night

from Lola's Nail Bar on the high street. 6.30.

SHE BANGS GONG See ya then. OK.

Look at this place.

Not a single customer in two whole days.

Oh, yeah, there's a new place opened up down the road

that does vaginal steaming.

How do I compete with that?

You could do vaginal steaming.

Eh!

I am not going anywhere near other ladies' pipes.

Could do fish pedicures.

What is fish pedicure?

It's when you get these little fish, right, and you put your feet

into the tank, and they very gently nibble all the dead skin off.

Leaves your feet all smooth and relaxed.

But where do I get these little fish?

Leave it to me.

Is that a gong?

Yeah.

MUSIC: The Carnival Of The Animals - The Aquarium

All right?

Looking for anything in particular?

Er, actually, have you got any of those fish that eat human skin?

What? You know the fish where, if you put your feet in the tank,

they'd eat the skin off.

Oh, yeah, I know.

We've got a load of those ones over here.

Not much call for them, to be honest.

Great. Stick about 50 in a couple of buckets for me, there's a good lad.

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish Eating fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish Eating fish. ♪

They're very relaxing to watch, huh?

I always think fish are the perfect pet.

You don't have to walk them

and you're not that bothered when they die. Yeah.

You don't get attached like you would with a snake.

All right, Mandy?

You ready to go for that drink?

Hey. Come and have a look at this. What is it?

Fish pedicures. Do you want to give it a go? Be our first customer?

On the house. Yeah.

On the house? I need the money.

This man knows all the fish perverts.

It'll be round like wildfire. You'll be swamped.

I've always wanted to try this.

Yeah, just pop your shoes and socks off and plunge your feet in.

OK.

My dear, would you like a relaxing cup of green tea

while you're enjoying your fish pedicure?

Yes, please. Thank you.

You might experience a slight tingling sensation,

but that's all perfectly normal.

OK.

I can't believe how easy this thing is. I know.

So, how long do I keep his feet soaking? Pff.

Ahh.

WATER BUBBLES

Ah-h-h-h!

Ah-h-h!

Oh, my God! What have you done?

Jesus Christ! Ah-h-h!

Ah, Jesus Christ!

Call an ambulance!

Don't worry. I've seen this on a film.

I need to make a tourniquet. Ah-h-h!

What is a tourniquet?

It's a thing you wrap around to stop the bleeding!

LOLA HEAVES

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish Eating fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish. ♪

Hiya.

It's me. Oh, it's you.

The woman who made me stick my foot in a bucket of piranhas.

I feel responsible.

Got the wrong fish.

You think?

It's meant to be Garra rufa fish.

Well, I know that now, don't I? Looked it up.

How's your foot?

One toe short.

Actually, it's probably too late, but...

..found this. Is that my toe?

Well, most of it, yeah. Aren't you lucky.

Why didn't you pack it in ice?

I'm in a nail salon, where am I going to find ice?

But you managed to find a...

..jar of pickles.

Love pickles.

HE SIGHS

I'm really sorry about what happened,

but I'm going to make it up to you.

Got us two tickets to the Sea Life Centre.

Really? Oh, yeah.

♪ La mer... ♪

I've had a lovely time at the Sea Life Centre.

Can't believe they let me touch a manta ray.

Did you know the manta ray has the largest brain-to-body ratio

of any fish?

Mm.

What's a ratio?

You like your fish, don't ya?

Like 'em?

They're like family to me.

They don't judge me.

They know all my faults but they still love me.

Bloody hell, that's tragic.

Actually, excuse me a minute, Mandy, I...

Call of nature.

HE GROANS

Thanks.

♪ La mer

♪ A berce mon coeur pour la vie

♪ La mer

♪ Qu'on voit danser

♪ Le long des golfes clairs

♪ A des reflets d'argent

♪ La mer

♪ Des reflets changeant

♪ Sous la pluie

♪ La mer

♪ Au ciel d'ete... ♪

You going to be much longer? I'm burstin' 'ere.

♪ Ses blancs moutons

♪ Avec les anges si purs

♪ La mer

♪ Bergere d'azur infinie

♪ Voyez Voyez

♪ Pres des etangs Pres des etangs

♪ Ces grands roseaux mouilles Voyez ces roseaux

♪ Voyez Voyez

♪ Ces oiseaux blancs Ces oiseaux blancs

♪ Et ces maisons rouilles La-la-la-la-la

♪ La mer

♪ Les a berces

♪ Le long des golfes clairs... ♪

SHE UNZIPS TROUSERS ♪ Et d'une chanson d'amour

♪ La mer

♪ A berce mon coeur pour la vie! ♪

Oh, thank Christ.

TOILET FLUSHES

SHE PULLS ZIP UP

DOOR CLOSES

FOOTSTEPS

Sorry about that. All right.

HE SIGHS

That's better.

Mandy.

It's been a difficult year for me.

First my wife divorced me and then...

..my toe got eaten off by a piranha.

Fuckin' hell. But I feel like...

..I've met a kindred spirit.

Someone I can really talk to.

It feels like you understand me, Mandy.

I may have lost a toe...

..but have I gained a soulmate?

Jeff, I should say... Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hm.

Mm.

I should have kept this in the fridge longer.

Mm. Interesting, though, isn't it?

Biscuity.

Actually, it's all right, in't it?

I'd get it again. Mm.

Mm.

What?

What's going on?

What's happening?

Here, have some more wine.

My fish. They're dying!

They're not. They're just having a nap.

They're dying. What have you done?

Why are they dying?

Old age? All at once?

Well, maybe one died of old age and the others have heartbreak.

Get out of my flat, you witch!

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish

♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish Eating fish. ♪

How was your date? I've had worse.

He wasn't right for me.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

MANDY LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Very funny.

You!

Mandy Cutter! Fuckin' hell. Brace yourself.

You have my gong.

Without this gong,

we have been unable to serve sushi for three days.

That's a bit over the top.

Give me back my gong.

Finders keepers, losers weepers.

You are so childish.

Mandy, please.

Sir, welcome to my shop.

Take back your gong.

I will.

But I'm still very unhappy.

Because losing the gong brings great dishonour upon ancestors?

No. Because gongs are expensive and hard to get hold of.

You think you can just go into Tesco Metro and buy a gong?

HE SCOFFS

Think again.

Oh, look. I wasn't thinking straight and I took your gong.

I'm sorry.

How 'bout a free treatment on the house?

We do fish pedicures.

Fish pedicure?

Well, I suppose so.

Great.

Lola.

Get the buckets.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

♪ Mr, can you tell me where my love has gone?

♪ He's a Japanese boy. ♪