Original subtitles

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

This programme contains some strong language

HEADPHONES: Don't Tell My Heart by The Marcy Brothers

SHE PANTS

What are you reading? Guinness Book Of Records.

Ah, 400 pages of the greatest people to ever walk God's green earth.

What do you think, Mandy, could we make it into its hallowed pages?

Oh, Lol, it's not the likes of us. I mean, look at this.

Ayanna Williams, longest fingernail.

Brian Scriven grew big pumpkin.

Michael Lotito ate a plane.

I mean, these people are gods, Olympians,

done something with their lives.

There must be something.

Fired most times in one day?

No, there's a woman in Peterborough, I checked.

No, Lol, I'm not a record-breaker.

I am a line dancer, though,

and I'm going to win the local line dance endurance competition.

Have you been practising? Practising?!

I've done 22 hours straight through.

That is amazing, but what if you want to go to the toilet?

I've got a secret.

Adult nappies.

Mandy Carter, I think you might be a genius.

I might start wearing them day to day, actually,

you save so much time.

But what about food? Are you allowed to eat?

You're allowed to have someone throw you a bottle of pop or a mini roll

while you're dancing but other than that,

you're not allowed to stop, even for, like, two seconds.

It sounds like an incredible test of human endurance.

Have you done this kind of competition before?

Actually, I went on Touch The Truck once with my mate Susan Blower.

What is Touch The Truck?

Touch The Truck was a TV show where you have to touch the truck.

The person who touches the truck longest win the truck.

Out!

It sounds complicated.

I'll never forget the day - 15th of March 2001...

Looks like it's just you and me, Sues. Yeah.

You know, Mandy, whatever happens, we're still friends.

Do you mean that? Course I do.

This is just a game.

Friendship's too important.

Argh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, what's wrong?

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Medic!

Mandy, please, please help me.

It's so dark. Oh, it's going so dark.

Oh, my God! So dark...

So cold.

Susan, stay with me!

I'm all right now, Mandy. I'm all right.

You fucking div!

WHISTLE Out!

You'll never amount to anything, Mandy Carter.

Ha-ha-ha!

Never amount to anything. Mandy, don't say that.

Some people just aren't meant to amount to anything.

What if everyone amounted to something,

then amounting to something wouldn't be special.

Your constant failure allows other people to shine.

That's very sweet of you, Lol, but...

..I'm going to prove Susan Blower wrong.

I'm going to amount to something.

I'm going to win the local line dance endurance competition.

MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus

DOORBELL

DOORBELL

Who the bloody hell's that?

Susan Blower, as I live and breathe.

Hiya, Mandy. What are you doing back?

You're not going to do the local line dance endurance competition, are you?

What? No.

You ruined my life after Touch The Truck.

Look, I've come to apologise.

You'd better come in.

I'm a bit down on my luck, actually.

I've got nowhere to stay.

I heard you'd gone to the Peak District to start a new life.

I heard you got a hot tub. I did.

It's all gone to shit now, though.

I don't want to talk about it.

Please, I wouldn't ask if I weren't desperate.

It's just for a few nights.

Why don't you stay in your truck,

the truck you won on Touch The Truck?

It's gone.

It's all gone.

I want to make it up to you. I'm not sure, Susan.

Come on, Mandy! It'll be like old times.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello? Hiya, Lola, can you book me in for a clip and a buff

on Thursday at two o'clock?

Of course, darling. Hey, you'll never guess who's back. Who?

Susan Blower.

The same Susan Blower you were only talking about yesterday?

That's weird.

She apologised for being such a knobhead on Touch The Truck.

I've let her stay in my small back bedroom

while she's getting back on her feet.

That's very generous of you, Mandy.

Well, everyone deserves a second chance

and I honestly think she's changed this time.

Hiya. Hiya.

Is that my top?

And my boots?

Yeah, you don't mind, do you? All my stuff's in the wash.

No.

No, that's fine.

Have you seen my Dairylea Dunkers?

No.

There were three packets in here. No. Maybe you imagined them.

Is that Dairylea Dunker on your face? No.

Looks like Dairylea Dunker.

It's moisturiser.

You all right, Mandy?

Maybe you're training too hard,

maybe this dancing competition is getting to you,

perhaps you should sit this one out.

What do you mean? Well, it's not worth it, is it?

It's a silly little dancing competition.

What's more important is your mental health.

♪ This town ain't big enough for the both of us

♪ And it ain't me who's gonna leave. ♪

I had to come here. I don't know what's real any more.

I keep thinking about Dairylea Dunkers.

Did she eat them? Do Dairylea Dunkers exist even?

I mean, a tiny pot of cheese next to a larger pot with breadsticks in it,

when you say it out loud, it sounds mental.

Susan has been such a great friend to you, Mandy.

I feel like she's stealing my identity.

Maybe she's doing that thing that people do these days. What thing?

Gas-lamping. You mean tea-lighting? I don't know, something like that.

People do it on Twitter all the time.

Mandy, darling, you sound paranoid.

Maybe Susan is right, maybe the training is getting to you.

Hang on, I never told you that.

How do? What are you doing here?

Said I'd show Lola my ceramic frogs.

Is that a euphemism? Hey?

No!

What have you done to your hair? Oh.

Just thought I'd try something different.

This is exactly like Face/Off, except we haven't swapped faces.

Hang on, what nail colour is that?

This? This is minty pig. Minty pig!

She picked it out on the colour wheel, what could I do?

Should have seen this coming.

Fool me once, shame on you,

fool me twice, that's...

..not on. SUSAN CHUCKLES

No, no. Don't get upset over a bit of friendly competition.

Talking of which...

..I'm thinking of entering that line dancing endurance contest after all.

Right, we're out of the bog roll.

If you want, pick some up on the way home.

I've got to go now cos I'm bidding on a new frog on eBay

and there's 35 other bidders.

Bye, Lola.

See you later, dickhead!

Mandy, I'm so... You're dead to me!

I feel bad about minty pig.

Look, I'm going to show you something now, Mandy,

something I have never shown anyone else before.

Oh, my God, what is it? Something I think will help you win.

DRUMS BEAT

It's my lucky voodoo head.

Has it been in your family for generations?

No, I got it off Exchange & Mart two days ago.

What am I supposed to do with it? Hang on, it came with instructions.

Step one, gaze into the eyes of the voodoo head.

Oh, I'm scared, Lola. What if we unleash something.

Step two, name your foe.

Susan bloody Blower.

Step three, tell the head what you want

and you must be specific.

I want to be the last one standing

at the local line dance endurance competition.

DRUMMING INTENSIFIES

SCREECHING AND GROWLING

Nothing's happening.

So much for the dark arts.

No, the only way I'm going to win this competition, Lola,

is through hard work and determination,

and a shit-ton of mini rolls.

You got the mini rolls?

Right here. Great.

Let's do this. Ladies and gentlemen, will the remaining dancers

please make their way downstairs?

We are about to begin.

The prize will go to the last line dancer standing.

And remember you must keep your thumbs in your belt hoops

at all times,

otherwise, you are disqualified.

OK, good luck, everyone. Positions, please.

And here we go.

HORN BLARES

MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart by Billy Ray Cyrus

♪ You can tell the world you never was my girl

♪ You can burn my clothes up when I'm gone

♪ Oh, you can tell your friends just what a fool I've been

♪ And laugh and joke about me on the phone

♪ You can tell my arms go back to the farm

♪ You can tell my feet to hit the floor

♪ Or you can tell my lips... ♪

Lola, water!

Ooh!

You're disqualified, off you go.

Off you go.

♪ And if you tell my heart My achy breaky heart... ♪

MUSIC FADES OUT

MUSIC: Man! I Feel Like A Woman! by Shania Twain

Disqualified. Go on, off you go.

MUSIC FADES

MUSIC: Good Time by Alan Jackson

Out.

You're disqualified, off you go.

So are you, love, disqualified.

I don't care, belt loops, go.

MUSIC FADES

MUSIC: Potential New Boyfriend by Dolly Parton

♪ Better keep your hands off my

♪ Better keep your hands off my potential new boyfriend

♪ Building up an appetite

♪ You can look but you can't buy... ♪

There you go. Disqualified.

Ah, yes, you're disqualified.

MUSIC: Boot Scootin' Boogie by Brooks & Dunn

What's happened here? Right disqualified.

You're disqualified too. Hello?

Off you go.

I told you you'd never amount to anything.

♪ Yeah, Cadillac, blackjack, baby, meet me out back... ♪

Come on, Mandy.

Mini roll! Mini roll!

♪ I just don't think he'd understand

♪ And if you tell my heart

♪ My achy breaky heart

♪ He might blow up and kill this man... ♪

DISCORDANT CLANG

SHOCKED GASPS

Have I won? Have I won? I've won, haven't I?

Mandy Carter is the last contestant standing.

In your face, Susan Blower! In your face!

But as you've just taken your thumbs out of your belt loops,

you are automatically disqualified, therefore,

Susan Blower wins the award, God rest her soul.

Mini rolls!

DRUMS BEAT

We need to get rid of this head before it consumes us all.

Gone. MAN GRUNTS

It's over now. It cannot hurt anyone any more.

DOG WHINES