All language subtitles for westside_s06e07_how_d_you_like_the_quiche

These mushrooms, if you don't get them
out of your system in about an hour,

body shuts down.

I bet your family came along and
destroyed mine, Ted. Your son is a dead

walking.

What?

Call an ambulance.

It was me.

It was coming after me.

All right.

Let's get to this fucking funeral.

You big idiot! Stop it! I want no pilot!
Can everyone just shut up?

I want no pilot! You!

Can you just sit again?

I want no pilot! Oi, you two, stop!

I want no pilot! Shut up, Pascal!

You're dead!

I'm gonna kill you!

Ah, get out of it.

Your daughter is evil.

Every time I change her, the first thing
she does is shits again.

That's why she does it on purpose.

I love you,

Theodore West.

It's an overnighter, love.

Thought things were a little bit
exciting.

Important, but we can postpone if you're
not feeling well.

I'm feeling fine.

You just never know what might happen,
do you?

Your car might end up in the path of a
ten -ton truck on your way down the

Try and make sure that doesn't happen,
Rita.

All I'm saying is none of us truly knows
when our time's up.

Jesus, Rita, you have to be so bloody
morbid.

I love you, you silly bastard.

Now piss off out of here.

See you tomorrow, I hope. Yeah, we'll
get back.

Bye, Rita.

Bloody Vance, I'm going to need you to
head out for the day.

Sorry? Got a few chores this morning,
but when I get back, I need the house to

myself.

Not a discussion.

Well, where are you going? Can you take
a kid with you?

Not a chance. Henderson Library.

Henderson has a library.

Turns out it does.

Help you?

Books about plants.

Mushrooms.

Right on time.

You ought to do.

You do.

You got everything you need?

I do.

No, no.

This is for the love.

For you.

You sure?

It's the end of an era.

Oh, well.

Everything has an end. Back him a boy.

You look after yourself, okay?

Try my best.

Rita! Nice surprise.

I was on my way home from the Henderson
Library. Henderson has a library?

And you went there. I like books. Good
jelly, Cooper.

Anyway, thought I'd drop this off.

For me?

Yeah. Why?

Can't I give a friend a gift out of the
goodness of my heart?

I know you've always admired it, but
been too stingy to pay for.

You're selling the gallery at Cheryl,
aren't you? Making sure she doesn't get

any other good stuff.

Well, why should she?

Do you think she's God's gift to second
-hand goods with her warehouse full of

whiteware? No class. Not like this.

Hmm.

Is everything all right?

Apart from the terminal cancer. Shut up,
Lefty.

As all right as it'll ever be.

And I hope that whenever you wear that,
you'll think of me and know that

from somewhere, above or below, I will
be watching.

Okay. Just to make sure you make the
right choices in life.

This is Rita. Feeling better than
Trelawney?

The racist bullet was no match for my
strong Pacific body.

So they say I can be discharged
tomorrow.

As long as he's got someone to wait on
him hand and foot.

And Aroha had kindly volunteered to be
that someone.

Well, I'm glad you're in good health.

Better than your mate, eh?

He arrived late last night.

A little under the weather.

I want a word with you.

Enjoying your little holiday from your
wife and kids?

I'm still in hiding in case you've
forgotten. Get out of here.

Filani took a bullet for me. I should be
here with him.

Filani would probably prefer it if you
fucked off so he can be alone with his

lady friend.

I do.

I need a clear head so I can figure out
this thing the Frankie fixed.

Yeah, because your head looks real
clear, Wolf.

Jesus Christ, you're getting pissed.
Feeling sorry for yourself?

I've got no clue what to do about it.

I'm working on a plan.

Well, whatever plan you're trying to
cook up, just forget it. To use all that

brain power on getting home to your
family who actually need you?

I'll sort things.

Mum, in case you've forgotten the fact
that my friend's laying in there with a

bullet hole. Yeah, but that doesn't
scare me, Wolf.

They need you at home.

And I'm not just talking about slutty
pants and the kids.

Your dad's going to need you, too.

He's got the job on at the moment, but
that'll be over soon, and I'll be...

Ted is going to need you around, and I'm
asking you to be

ready.

Yes.

I'll look after the old prick when
you're gone, okay?

I love you, you silly bastard.

You've always been my fucking world.

If I just get your shit sorted, I'll do
my part.

You do yours.

I told you to get out of the house for
the day. It's not that easy.

Can I help, Becky?

No. Why not? Why can't you help?

Because I bloody well did so.

G'day, g'day, g'day.

Hi,

Eric. Pascal, say hi to Billy.

Right, if we hang here.

I've run out of ideas to entertain the
little fucker. No. No, you cannot. I'm

trying to get rid of children, not have
them fucking multiply.

Oh, take them to the goddamn zoo or that
underwater place.

Cully Tarleton's. Oh, yeah.

Bant. Bant stole a hammer from a workman
off the death row. Bet him he couldn't

set the sharks free.

I don't give a fuck.

Somewhere that is not here.

Okie dokie. The zoo it is.

Yeah. Boys.

Mandy.

How about we go to the zoo?

I bet you can't punch a tiger. Can too.

Maybe this is not such a good idea.

We'll work it out. Okay, Mandy, you get
Loretta. Let's get your shoes on.

Oh, look out, there's Mike. Hey, watch
your fingers.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sunny pan.

Those kids of yours, as annoying as they
are, they should be the reason,

the only reason you ever do anything.

Well, I'm sure I should not go into the
zoo with Eric for my own pleasure, Rita.

At the end of the day, in this crap,
drenched world, all you have is

the humans you leave behind.

So do everything in your power to love
them, to protect them.

Are you high, Britta?

We might not like each other, Cheryl.

But when it comes to our kids,

we're the same, you and me.

I'd do anything for them.

Yeah.

Good.

Ben spotted in the car and he and Jethro
are holding the locks down and Eric's

trapped in there.

Jesus Christ.

Thank you.

What do you think she meant?

She said that Fig's problem would be
sorted.

How?

Blackmail? Paying him off?

War? Anything is possible with your
mother.

Yeah.

Well... Well, you look like a tough guy.
You act like a tough guy, but you're

hiding while Mummy saves your ass.

You're going to let her speak to me like
that, Flanny? But isn't the first time

Wolf's ass has been saved by Mrs. Rita?

One time she spent a whole year in
Christchurch... Look, the thing is with

mother, she does whatever the fuck she
wants.

There's no arguing with her.

Horse mother's not like run -of -the
-mill mothers.

No, she's not.

Who are you?

Carol. My neighbour said you dropped by
this morning. I wasn't home.

I know. I was out for a wise walk, which
really meant sitting on a bench in Crum

Park, having to think.

Just wanted to give you something.

You said you liked it once.

I did.

And I do.

Oh, my God.

Carol, please don't. I've heard about
the... where people who are dying are

decluttering their lives.

Carol, I'm thinking of selling the
Galleria, so I'm giving some stuff to

who might appreciate it.

And I do.

And it makes what I came here to say
even harder.

The thing is, Rita, I'm not one to defy
a dying woman's wish, but I... I don't

want to shack up with Ted.

Oh, hi, Phineas.

I thought you were out today doing
something to do with a job.

Drill bits aren't my department.

What was that about you and Ted?
Nothing.

Oh, look.

Everyone knows.

Women mourn, men replace. And I want to
have a say in my replacement.

Which is lovely and odd, but I just
don't think that I'm... I'm not having

shack up with some gold digger.

Even worse, Nairie. You're trying to set
your husband up with my ex -wife.

I want Ted to be happy after I'm gone,
and he has certain needs.

I'm not having Carol go through every
one of mine, mate.

That's not fair. I've only been with
Bert.

I don't fancy Ted, Rita.

He wouldn't rock my socks, doesn't press
my buttons. I'm sorry.

Carol, Phineas, I don't want to be rude,
but could you both just piss off?

Because I don't want to fuck your
husband. Because I'm tired and I'm sick

just need some space. Do you want me to
finish? No, I don't, Carol.

Carol, how about us?

Take you for a drink.

Excellent idea.

And Carol, Ted's a fan -fucking -tastic
rude as a matter of fact.

You could do a lot worse.

Does your conscience bother you, dear
Drew?

Does your conscience bother you, dear
Drew?

There's a hundred and one good reasons.

There's a hundred and one good reasons.

There's a hundred and one good reasons
why you can do the things you can't do.

Okay. Here she comes. Here she comes.

That's a budget.

What was wrong with the actual zoo? It
might be a bit shit -shitty, but at

it's free, which means we can spend the
coins that Rita gave us on a couple of

teams. Primo plan.

Or on ice creams for the kids, yeah?

Kid health plan.

Yeah, yeah, ice creams for the kids.

I saved you a machine.

Oh, I'm not a gambler, Carol.

I love a play on the pokies with a
chardonnay in a fisherman's basket.

But aren't you on the benefit?

So? So I'll worry about you. Well,
you've got no right to worry about me

anymore.

Besides, I have a nest egg hidden away.

Don't you remember?

I target a job of 87.

Or as Bert and I like to call it,
Carol's job.

We've had some wild times, eh?

We have.

Get the train.

Hello, Frankie.

Rita West.

Have you had lunch? I hope not, for I
have outdone myself in the kitchen

This is what's known as a peace
offering.

You and I need to sit down and sort out
all this nonsense.

Which nonsense would you be referring
to?

You've forgotten that you tried to have
my boy killed last week? Put young

Filani in hospital?

No. Sorry.

No idea.

Fine, we can play that game.

But at least invite me in, or you're
going to leave a lady standing on your

doorstep.

No.

Should I strip?

Pardon me?

You want to see if I'm wearing a wire or
not?

No,

it's not your way of doing things.

You see, our three families, not so
different.

Now, if you want something done right,
send a woman to do it. That's what I

believe.

Kids, they do idiot shit. They make
mistakes and it shouldn't mean life or

death. So, we can keep circling each
other, waiting for the next one to make

move. Or we can sit down, get pissed.

Have a meal and talk it out.

That's how we do things out here.

Out with it, right?

All right.

I'll play.

What's your poison?

Bourbon. Aye.

With a splash of cola.

Woman after my own heart.

What are you doing?

Ben?

Ben, get it off me!

Oh, jeez.

Hey. Billy, Billy, look here.

Look, look, look.

I've been busy.

Well, what can I say? Little lady can't
keep her hands off me.

Eric. What?

It's not important at all.

In your dreams. You weren't complaining
when I gave you one, were you?

Oh, Eric, you disgust me.

Wish I could have given you a baby,
Carol.

Ryan gave me two and I gave them back.

Don't do that, Vinnie.

Do what?

Look at me like that.

Like what?

Vin.

I miss you.

I miss you too, sometimes.

I think I need another one.

Bianca was my shining light.

Sure, just as wolf as mine.

My wife's long gone.

Crystal's a deadbeat.

That bastard child of hers.

The apple of my eye.

The great hope of the Figgs family. Oh,
come on, Frankie.

We both know that Bianca will eventually
crawl out from whatever rock she's

hiding under.

You'll go and visit her, give her the
mother of all bollocking, and then

hug it out, or whatever you do in your
family.

But what you tried to do to my wolf,
that's forever.

When you're a man in my position, Rita,
you have to send a clear message.

Otherwise you might as well bend over
and let the bastards have their way with

you.

Just like the message you sent my
husband when he was on remand.

We got over that.

My point exactly.

So we can keep looking backwards or we
can focus on the future.

My future's not looking so bright, Rita.

But you know what would illuminate it
slightly?

Revenge.

A dish Beth served after lunch.

You know, they say real men don't eat
quiche.

Shouldn't that be men who are fucking
insecure about their masculinity don't

quiche?

Myself and my friend did quietly.

My wife, Blake, was a genius in the
kitchen.

This isn't who I thought I'd be, Finn.

A twice -divorced ex -trolley dolly who
doesn't even live with her own kids.

You're much more than that, Carol.

What else am I?

A semi -alcoholic, probably.

Or maybe a full one, I don't know.

Shall we get another drink?

You're the love of my life.

What?

I know it didn't work out, but... That's
still what you are.

I've never loved anyone like I love you,
Carol.

Phineas.

It's so sweet and kind.

Are you saying it just to get into my
knickers?

I'm saying it because it's true.

Thank you.

Being the love of someone's life is not
to be sneezed at.

And if you did want to get into my
knickers, I am actually wearing quite

ones today.

The thing about you, Rita, is you see a
problem and you

grab it by the balls.

I admire that.

I admire you.

Everything all right, Frankie?

Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah, yes.

You sure?

Well, normally a few drinks is early in
the day I can handle, but I am feeling a

little... Fly -headed?

Or like you want to fuck?

Jesus, there's nothing subtle about you,
is there? I think as I find, yeah.

Right now, I am feeling pretty fucking
randy.

You?

Oh, I see.

You're here to seduce me.

Oh. You think a roll in the hay will
change my mind? Frankie, Frankie,

I have way more class than that.

Well, I won't lie.

I mean, you are an extremely fuckable
woman.

That is so sweet.

But I think it's just the mushrooms
talking.

You know that I'm not long for this
world, right, Frankie?

I have my sympathies. Oh, I don't need
your sympathy.

All I want is to go to my grave, happy
in the knowledge that my boy is safe.

I swear, I will not harm a hair on
Wolf's head while you're alive.

I see what you did there, Frankie.

Seriously, you have my word.

See, the thing is, I just don't think
much of your word.

So that's why I have taken matters into
my own hands.

Seen the problem, and I've grabbed it by
the ball.

So to speak.

How'd you like the quiche, Frankie?

The mushrooms, they had a kind of nutty
flavour, don't you think?

Sure, yeah, very tasty. Oh, good, good.

You see, I was worried that they'd taste
like shit, given everything else that

was going on in there.

All the toxins.

Apparently, the first thing is the rush,
this warm feeling that just takes

hold, like you want to fuck anything
with a pole.

And then the visions kick in.

Mind -blowing, apparently.

Tasty and a bloody good trip. What more
could you ask for in a fungi?

Did you just feed me magic mushrooms?

But then, over the course of a couple of
days, you start to get sick.

Vomiting, diarrhea, and then your organs
start to shut down.

And then, a week later, a month later,
you die.

Oh, but don't worry.

Death will be welcome.

Oh, you'll be fucking grateful for it by
the time it rolls around.

Apparently.

You poisoned me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pull
the other one.

I'm not so sure why that's so hard to
believe.

You know I'll do anything to protect my
family. Oh, sure, Rita, except you ate

as much of the bloody quiche as I did.

Cancers that can't, Frankie, are more
than happy to speed up its process.

Pissy -eyed, Phineas.

Yeah, you probably shouldn't have
driven.

Well, I can hardly walk, so... You want
to come and see my

caravan? Yes.

Those are nice knickers.

Afternoon. Very nice one it is up there.
Very, very nice.

Add a job on.

Some of my finest work.

Although, uh, I may have sustained some
burns to a delicate area. Is there a

nurse about?

Not one that wants to look at your knob.

You've put fire to the galleria.

Read his orders.

Oh, seriously, this thing is smart. Do
not...

Do not take your package out. There's a
lady present.

And men who also don't want to see your
penis.

She wouldn't do anything stupid, would
she? Mrs. Rita doesn't do stupid.

She does outrageous and brave.

And everything on her own terms.

Oh, that does not look right.

God bless New Zealand's freaky fucking
plant life.

Dear Frankie, you really did think I was
bluffing, didn't you?

There's not much time with the figs. I
never waste time on empty promises.

Are you still feeling horny, though?
Because I would not say no to a fuck

we die. I would prefer my husband, but
he's away today. The needs must be

fucking mad, bitch.

So that's a no, is it?

Oh, well.

Oh,

we could make a scene instead.

What are you thinking?

Nothing.

Must be thinking something.

Like I'm thinking.

How nice your body feels, even after
you've had kids. I don't want to get

together with you.

That's what I was thinking.

I'm sorry, Phineas.

You didn't like the thing.

I liked it a lot, as you could probably
tell.

You have the best cock I have ever met,
and I have met a lot of cocks in my...

Anyway...

I think what we just did was not the
start of something.

It was the end.

No, I'm different now, Carol. I've
changed. But I haven't.

I'm still just bouncing from man to man.
Like, I think I'm going to find

happiness with the next one and the next
one and the one who didn't even work

out in the first place.

I think I need to start helping myself.

I will always love you.

Penny is so truthful.

But I can't go backwards.

I want to be happy.

Really, truly happy. And the thing that
will make me happy, I don't know what it

is, but it isn't somebody else.

Man, he's going to blow the zookeeper.

How's the zoo, Eric?

Right, yeah.

She's a real goey, your sister.

And what about you?

When Crystal comes crawling back, you
going there again?

Nah.

Last time she was on that house bus, she
came back with the pubic life.

Oh, charming.

They migrated and I had to shave all
mine off.

Which I quite enjoyed, just quietly.

Okay, I'm going to say it.

Even you can do better than Chris, for
fucking sake.

Thanks, Cheryl.

Oh, God!

What the fuck, Eric?

Oh, come on, Cheryl.

I'm going to jail.

I thought we, you know, bonded.

When? Over joints and shared thoughts
and stuff.

I understand all that you're going
through, Cheryl. We'll understand that

will be the safest place for you if
we'll find out what you just tried.

No, you won't tell him, will you?

He's got enough to deal with right now.
Trying to stay alive and all that. Very

true, very true.

We're just supposed to go.

I guess the zookeeper is getting lucky.

Well, at least someone is.

Frankie? You know, I was never really
into buttering myself up this high.

It's all right.

Happy to die? Happy to go into the blaze
of glory?

You're going to have an agony flowing
through your life!

I've had the best day, Frankie.

Thank you for a bloody good laugh.

Bianca?

You came back.

Well, it's not safe here. People are
after you. No, Frankie. You've got to

out. Frankie, Bianca's gone.

She did the dirty on you and shopped
through.

Batch. Yeah?

It's too far away.

Once you get there, Frankie, it's too
late.

You win it in your system, there's no
going back. It's a one -way ticket out,

Mr. Finn. Your misery starts.

I'll take out your whole family.

Ted, your son, his wife, every last one
of those kids, I'll take out a whole lot

of them. Take that for your fucking
grace!

Too late, Frankie.

Natural.

Thank you.

Teach you to fuck with my family.

Wanker.

Hello, Mum.

What have you done now, my girl?

I'm not sorry.

Do you think it's true what they're
saying, Mum?

That I'm going to go to hell?

Who is saying that?

They'll all be thinking it.

I only ever wanted to look after them.

My Ted.

And my precious boy.

I'm sorry I wasn't the same kind of
mother to you.

Didn't do more to protect you.

Oh, well.

It worked out in the end.

I was happy.

I loved.

And I was love.

My Ted, riding for my rescue.

Mum! Mum!

What the hell is going on?

The fig tried to go for a drive.

Unfortunately, he was under the
influence at the time.

And now he's under the water.

Fig is in there?

Fuck, Mum!

Don't bother. I've been here for at
least two fags worth and even a shark

Frankie Fig can't breathe underwater for
that long.

And you just watched?

Ah, not like they can throw me in jail.

I'll be well dead before they can even
work out what happened.

And what did happen?

I gave him some lamingtons.

Oh, no, no.

No, that was Bert.

Not Lamington.

I made him a quiche.

You poisoned him.

Barky's mushrooms.

I took them off him so he wouldn't kill
himself.

And I put them to much better use.

Man, what a trip.

Well, hold on. You took them too?

I had to eat so he would eat.

I've got to get you to a hospital.

Ah, it's far too late for that, love,
but never mind.

Stay here.

I wasn't planning on going anywhere.

Well,

I don't know about you guys, but I had a
fucking radical time today.

How about you, Mandy? Did you have a
good time in the disabled toilet?

It was all right, but I gave him a fake
number.

Good time around then.

Almost happy Crystal ditched the ruddy
kid with me.

Eric, don't say that in front of him.

Wait, where is he?

Where's Billy?

Oh, boy, you grabbed him.

Why would I grab him? I have got my own
kids. Oh, fuck!

He's been kidnapped.

Who would want to kidnap Billy?

Someone might want him. They might want
a ransom for it. Who would pay it?

There's something in the bin.

Oh, bloody hell, Billy.

Ever saw a heart attack?

Funny little bugger. He likes to hide in
bins.

Terrible ass.

Sometimes I worry there's no hope for
him.

A mother like Crystal, a father like me.

OK, fine.

I will look after Billy while you're in
prison.

Oh, thanks, Cheryl.

You're a bloody gem.

If you don't stop slaving on to me, Wolf
will kill you.

OK?

OK.

Mum?

Mum?

Still alive?

Hard to say.

It occurred to me as I was lying here.

How did you know I was here?

Probably not the best thing to leave
lying around.

Smoking gun.

You sure did a hell of a job in there.

I think it didn't take so well to being
poisoned.

I can tell.

Best I could do was make it look like
for some reason he went nuts all on his

own.

Well, he was a man under pressure.

Can you stand?

Think you can handle the back of my
bike?

We need to dump this on the way home.

How did you get here?

Three taxi.

Last one picked me up outside of TAB in
Swanson.

My mother.

The criminal mastermind.

I've only got one helmet.

I used to ride like this all the time.

With your father.

You're back.

Looks like it.

We're good.

It's over.

You don't need to worry.

Why? What happened?

The picture's backed off.

Not gonna argue.

We can get on with our lives. Thank you,
Vince, for that.

Is Rita all right?

She looks like she's on death's door.

I know that she is, but now it looks
like that door is wide open. Shut up,

She does look like shit, though.

She forgot to take her meds.

Give me a beer, eh? Yeah.

Do I?

Yeah.

So, Cheryl's happy.

She's got her husband back.

Kids are happy, got their dad back.

Everyone's happy.

Except you, obviously.

What do you want me to do? Thank you.

That would be the polite thing to do as
a matter of fact.

You ungrateful little shit.

You did this for me?

Well, you fucked yourself for me. I was
already fucked in case you hadn't

noticed. Not like that.

Not like... I did not ask you to do this
for me.

It's the pigs!

It's the pigs!

You were in bed sick all day.

I was here looking after you.

Sorry to disturb your evening.

Hoping to speak with Mrs West.

Yeah?

The other Mrs West. She's pretty sick.

Been in bed all day. Can I pass a
message on?

There's been a fire at her retail
premises, the Galleria.

What the fuck? How bad?

There's not much left. Well, there's
nothing left.

Shit.

The other premises.

Any idea how it happened?

Not my area of expertise, but there will
be a full investigation.

Dodgy old building, that one?

Yeah.

All right, well, I'll let her know when
she's feeling better.

Wouldn't want to kick her when she's
down, eh?

No, of course.

Well, you have a good evening?

Have a stink evening!

Have a stink evening.

Fucking slag.

Electrical fault, Cheryl. It'll be an
electrical fault. My arse fucking sparky

fault. Why would she want to burn her
own shop down? Because she's a spiteful

old bitch?

Cheryl. You can't talk like that about a
lady who's got one foot in the grave.

I'll put the other fucking foot in for
her, I swear to God.

What did the piggery want?

To tell you about the tragic accident at
the Galleria.

Huh.

Cheryl's pretty pissed.

Well, I need the money for Ted.

We would have paid you a good price.

Not as much as the insurance.

What you did today, nobody, and I mean
nobody, finds out, okay?

Not Cheryl, not my kids.

You don't want them to know that
Grandma's a killer.

And not Dad.

You crossed the line today.

And yeah, I know you don't have to live
with it, but I do.

Wolf, everything I ever... I never asked
you to be the martyr.

Never wanted it.

But you, you just...

Just take it upon yourself.

We're always no bet.

We've got this, Ted.

Every detail.

You have it covered.

We've got a problem, Ted. Can it wait?

I'll put the chart.

I don't want to play happy families with
you.

I just want to fuck you.

I don't want you to sacrifice your life
for me. My life was already sacrificed.

I just changed the timing. Do you want
to fill me in on what the fuck you're

talking about?