Original subtitles

Bye.

Paper, mister?

We carry them all.

Topeka? No, thank you, sir.

Magazine's what I'm looking for. The Western Traveler's Gazette, please.

Oh, yes.

I just happen to have one. The last copy.

All I want is one, sir. Thank you.

Pardon me, sir. Do you know where the Sampson and Delilah Barbershop is?

Oh, yes, sir. It's right up the end of the street on the other side.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's right. An honest -to -goodness lady barber.

Just like the other Delilah.

I was supposed to meet a friend here, Mr. Gordon.

You recognize that name, Mr. Claymore?

You can sit down and wait for me if you have a mind to.

And while you're waiting, I can give you a first -class haircut.

Well, considering what happened to Samson, how about just a first -class

That's enough, Delilah, my pearl.

For our purposes, this is sharp enough.

Mr., when you settle in to get some shut -eye, you don't fool around, do you?

What happened to Delilah?

Delilah? That's me, dearie.

You never mentioned it, but is your shave okay?

I have a feeling it was a little close.

What happened to the newsstand that was over there?

Newsstand?

There was never a newsstand there, mister.

Hardy.

I'm afraid you're going to have to settle for me, Jim.

Hey, Jeremy.

How have you been? Nice to see you.

Where's Artie? He's on his way to Washington right now, Jim.

They needed him there fast.

Oh, well, that's just great, Colonel.

You haven't heard the worst.

Don't tell me I'm going to get stuck with the likes of you until Artie gets

back.

Could turn out quite well, Jim.

You two have worked together before, and Jeremy and Pike knows the Rocky

Mountain situation better than any other agent.

which is just as well because things have started to break wide open.

We've been waiting for you, Jim. The news has been coming in hot and heavy

the wire.

And I assume that news is Judge Fairley's kidnapping.

How did you know?

I don't know. I guess I had a dream.

After presiding over the 10th Circuit District for 10 years, Judge Fairley was

appointed to the Court of Claims in January of last year.

I thought he was kidnapped and put in a funhouse.

Whoever's behind it sets up the most elaborate plan I've ever seen.

Just so that you could have first -hand evidence of it, huh?

Well, so it would seem.

I mean, the phony newsstand man in a phony newspaper stand sees to it that I

a phony message to meet Artie in a barber shop.

Done by a phony barber.

By the fetching name of Delilah. That's delicious.

Now, Jim, we checked that out. The only fun house was with the Continental

Circus. which was headed for Fiddler Bend at the time, a good 20 miles from

here. And in the hour I was out, there wasn't time to transport me from there

back here.

Let me ask you something.

Does it say anything about barely taking a trip in there?

As a matter of fact, it does. He was getting ready to go to Scotland to

represent the United States at the upcoming jurisprudence convention in

Edinburgh.

So? So.

Thursday's child has far to go.

So when my host waved that sign in front of my face, he was talking about

fairly.

Thursday's child has far to go.

Thursday's child.

Thursday's child.

Isn't that from that old rhyme?

Monday's child is fair of face?

So?

Fairley was kidnapped on Thursday.

He was heading for Scotland, so he certainly had far to go.

I can't help wondering if there's some others tied in here, too. What others?

Well, this whole operation is so wild that if Judge Fairley is Thursday's

I have a sneaking feeling that there are other children involved here, too.

Monday's child is Farrah Face. Tuesday's child is Full of Grace. Wednesday's

child is... Monday's child?

Could that be Lynn Carstairs?

Lynn Carstairs, the actress.

Farrah Face is hardly the word.

She's gorgeous.

And remember, Jim?

She disappeared from the stage at the Haymarket last Monday.

It was easily the most sensational curtain Miss Carstairs ever made.

There she was, taking one bow after another.

When out of nowhere, the swan seat is lowered down, loaded with flowers.

You don't know who was operating it, huh? I don't know who, madam. I figured

maybe Miss Carstairs had arranged it.

Anyway, she's game.

She steps into the swan seat and up it goes.

Big applause there, sir.

Brought down the house.

What an exit, huh?

Only when the swine's seat finally comes back, no car stares, and that was the

last scene of her.

Jim, whoever figured this out is a first -rate artist.

I traced the route of the kidnappers up across the fly gallery, onto the roof,

and then onto a kind of an elevator that they rigged to lower her to the ground.

Look what else I found on the roof.

It's Brandy.

My nose tells me it's a very special kind of brandy.

Cognac de grande marguerite.

That's very interesting.

The head man was up there sipping brandy. While his underlings are

the big operation.

Jerry, your theory is starting to prove its point. A series of child

disappearances. Monday's child is fair of face.

Then car stares.

Tuesday's child is full of grace.

Ivan Kolinkovic, first -rate ballet master, called away for rehearsal last

Tuesday, hasn't been seen since.

Wednesday's child is full of woe.

There's only one disappearance on record on Wednesday.

Famous jockey, Biff Trout, trailing the field at Swanson Downs. He goes into the

backstretch. He rides into a bank of smoke that suddenly appears

and the horse comes out of it riderless. No trace of Trout.

As I remember, Golden Apple won that race, paid off 16 to 1.

Great odds, but that incident doesn't seem to tie in with the others.

No woe in Biff's young life.

Happy -go -lucky jockey, very successful with the horses and with the ladies.

Man about town.

Why didn't I think of it? Not unhappiness, Will.

Certainly. Whoa!

That takes care of Wednesday's child. Now Thursday's child has far to go.

Judge fairly.

Of course, you know that all this mumbo -jumbo is designed to bring us to the

next order of business.

Friday's child who works hard for a living.

Being spoon -fed, clue at a time.

All of it leading us where?

Finding that out is where the real fun comes in.

Jerry, let's play along with him.

Where was that circus -headed fiddler's band, wasn't it?

Well, I'm going to check it out.

Cognac de Grand Marguerite.

I have a feeling that out there somewhere there's a gentleman who would

than interested in a newly discovered half -dozen bottles of Napoleon's

exquisite brew.

Ah, the lovely, adored Miss Lynn Carstairs.

I trust you are well, madame.

And the incomparable Ivan Petrovich Kalinkovich.

I hope we're not interrupting a rehearsal.

Please, I cannot endure confinement.

I must get out of here.

Indeed. Bar shouldn't trouble a great artist like you, Ivan Petrovich.

Dance your way out.

Biff Trout.

One part man, one part horse with a special stink of stable and corruption

him. Oh, come on, Doc.

As one jockey to another.

What have I ever done for you to get mad at me?

You exist, do you not?

For the time being, let that be reason enough.

And our newest and most distinguished guest.

That pillar of the federal bench, Justice Alonzo Fairley. I give you

sir.

You're mad, of course.

Observe the classical magistrate's mind at work, Delilah.

The good judge does not understand me, ergo I am mad.

Allow me to introduce myself, sir.

I am Dr.

Miguelito Loveless. I plead guilty to being dictatorial, vain, short

occasionally unreasonable, and always...

Always a helpless admirer of all that is rare and fine in nature and art.

But mad?

No, sir, that I will not permit.

What are you going to do with us?

For the answer to that, we will have to wait until our other guests arrive.

Let's drink to that happy moment.

Yeah, Doc.

Behold that most tragic of all sights, an empty bottle of cognac de grande

marguerie.

Yeah, and ain't no more neither. That's the last one.

Well, then get some more, Pilar.

Don't ask me where, just get it.

Yeah, sure, Doc.

As I was saying, friends, let us drink to that happy time when all our guests

are present.

Afternoon, ma 'am.

Something I can help you with?

A terrible thing has happened. This seat feels like it's working loose.

Probably a bolt or two sheared loose. Could be a real danger. Better let me

a look.

Funny. Don't seem to be loose, ma 'am.

What's this handle for?

I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me.

So that's what happens when you pull that handle.

Howdy, Sheriff.

Howdy. Do you have something to help you, mister? Yes, sir. Name's James

I'd like to ask a few questions.

Oh, yeah.

Well, ask ahead, Mr. West.

How many people missing this time?

No, nobody's missing.

Fact is, nobody's left town except Arnie Johnson that went to San Francisco this

morning. You mean there's no one missing in Fiddler's Bend? Are you sure of

that? Well, now, Mr. West, uh...

There ain't enough folks in this big, thriving metropolis of ours that one can

disappear without it being a seven -day wonder.

All right.

What about the carnival that's due here? When do you expect it?

Well, they should be pulling in any time now.

Out at the old camp meeting grounds.

Well, thank you for everything, Sheriff.

You're welcome.

Sheriff, have you seen Abby in town this evening?

No, ma 'am, Miss Carter, I haven't. What, something wrong?

He's been missing since before noon.

Didn't even come home for his dinner.

Missed his dinner?

Well, that sure doesn't sound like Abby.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll get on it right away, and I'll find him for

you. Don't you worry.

When you do, Sheriff, you tell him I'll be waiting at home.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

How does your husband make a living?

When he tends to his work, he's a blacksmith.

Friday's child works hard for a living. Sheriff, better list Mr. Carter among

the missing.

Now, friend, here's a snappy number that them high -living customers of yours

are gonna go for a hook, line, and sinker.

Clooney, a pair of teeth.

Am I inclined to doubt that, mister?

Well, now, I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, friend.

I'm gonna throw him...

A bottle of absinthe liqueur, plus a bottle of Chablis with every case of

champagne that you order, and I can't say it fairer than that, friend.

Fairer than that, ain't you?

Hey, now, wait a minute.

Now, I'm as American as Patty's pig born on the 4th of July. My ancestors fought

in the Revolutionary War, and a few more before that, even. Now, just because I

deal in wines, liqueurs, cordials, and cognacs, there's no reason for you to

so suspicious.

Yeah, sure.

Point, I'm getting at.

my customers wouldn't know a pair of teeths or any of them other fancy drinks

but come right up and bit them on the leg.

Well, then, I take it that I'm safe in assuming that you wouldn't be interested

in cognac de grande marguerite.

Well, maybe he ain't, but I sure am.

You know, I've been looking for you ever since I read your ad in the morning

paper.

How much?

Well, friend, I don't know if you're aware of the fact that this merchandise

just a trifle on the expensive side.

I said how much?

Well, in American money, it's a special for this week only, $124.

So it seems... Okay.

I'll just hand it over.

Excuse me, friend, but this bottle is the only sample I got, and I can't let

have it. But if you'll just tell me where I can deliver your bottle, we'll

it over to your... Okay, dude.

I said hand it over, or I'm going to blow a hole right through your derpy.

Well, you do that, and I'm liable to drop this bottle, and we'll both be in

trouble.

No, don't do that.

Well, you tell me where I can deliver the merchandise, and you make it snappy,

friend, because I'm on old butterfingers from way back.

Yeah, yeah.

Delivered to the Wells Fargo office in Denver, huh?

Make sure it gets there by tomorrow.

It's as good as air.

Okay.

Tomorrow's Saturday, Denver.

Friend?

Friend?

Who would you say is Denver's most loving and giving citizen?

Sounds like a description of old Cyrus Barlow.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Cyrus Barlow.

Lovely.

Simply lovely.

How splendid.

To forever remain at the peak of your beauty.

Never grow old, wither away.

Mr. Barlow, sir.

Yes, Wallace.

You'll have a caller, sir. Oh, no, no.

Not now.

Wallace, you know that his new specimen's just arrived.

I'm very sorry, sir. But he did say that it was quite urgent.

Oh, well.

Let's see who it is.

Jeremy Pike, United States Secret Service.

That's right, Mr. Barlow.

Well,

well, well.

Mr. Pike, what could the Secret Service possibly want with me?

Well, sir, we have every reason to believe that someone is going to make an

attempt to kidnap you.

Kidnap me?

Mr. Pike, I find that rather amusing.

Why in the world would anybody want to try to kidnap me?

Well, sir, it's a rather long and complicated story.

This promises to be the high spot in my morning.

It all started with a lady barber named Delilah and my partner Jim West.

Mr. Pike.

I have great respect for the United States Secret Service, but how you could

possibly jump to the conclusion that I am Saturday's child?

Well, it's got to be, sir. Loving and giving. Now, that describes your career

giving away all those millions.

Yes, but I'm an old... No, no, no, no, please. Now, go along with me and give

every detail that you can about your daily routine.

So?

Confoundedly dull.

Not to anyone who's bound and determined to kidnap you, sir.

After breakfast, my chairman of the board and a gaggle of directors

barge in.

Have to spend an hour or so pretending to listen to them.

Matter of fact, they left just before you.

After your business conference.

What then? Drive to the Stockman's Club.

On the way, I usually stop for a flower at old Sadie's

Flower Lady.

And then maybe I discuss a little politics with him, the

shoeshine man.

Excuse me, sir. Her carriage is waiting.

Mr. Barlow will be 15 minutes late this morning.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Barlow, how would you like to devote the entire day to your insects?

There you are, Mr. Barlow.

Better than new.

Mr. Barlow, next stop is always Sadie's Flower Stand.

Good morning, Mr. Barlow.

What have you got for me this morning, Sadie?

Sadie's got a cold, Mr. Barlow.

I'm filling in for her.

Why, what a strange, pungent smell this flower has.

It's rather heady.

What did you say his name was?

Who? Why, Vernon Trimble.

I never heard of him.

Now, can I tell you my story about the two fleas?

Absolutely not.

Very well, since you pressed me.

Seems the two fleas went to the theater one night.

And as they left, one flea turned to the other and said, Shall we walk or take a

dog?

friend West.

Why? What about him? I went to his funeral the other day. There was no one

there. Huh? How come?

He wanted to keep it a secret service.

Right. And how about buying little Lila a drink?

I'd like to, Lila, but not right now.

I'm not Lila. She is.

Tell me, tiny, when is a door not a door?

I don't know, Homer. When is a door not a door?

Why, when it's ajar, of course.

Tell me,

Homer, when is a ventriloquist dummy not a ventriloquist dummy?

When it's Dr.

Loveless, of course.

You've outdone yourself this time, Dr. Loveless.

I thank you, Mr. West.

Oh, my dear.

Temporarily unconscious, that's all.

Well, why not polish him off?

Why not, indeed.

Why not throw away the third act of Don Giovanni?

Why not slice the Mona Lisa into half a dozen sections?

Chip the Koh -I -Noor diamond into a dozen inferior stones?

Delilah.

My pearl.

There is an exquisitely correct time and place for everything.

and Mr. West's time and place are firmly fixed in my mind.

Rises heave ho and up she rises.

I'd like a ticket, please.

Sorry, neighbor.

No performance tonight.

Well, I'll take a ticket anyway.

Okay.

Perfect, ladies.

Ah, at long last you are here.

Of course, Mr. West, there is something of the salmon in you.

The fiercer, the more impossible the cataracts that face you, the more

you swim through them to win your gold.

Loveless, what's it all about?

A very simple plan, Mr. West. It's called retribution.

Punishment, if you please, for all those who have incurred my wrath.

In short, a trial.

With you being judge, jury, prosecutor, and executioner, right?

Not at all.

I am prosecutor, that's true, but they are the executioners.

Here we have the learned judge.

What about the jury?

The finest that money can buy.

Twelve good men.

A typical jury.

Now, let the first witness approach the bar of judgment.

Miss Lynn Carstairs.

An earnest young protege whom I sent to you for help in establishing her as an

actress. What was your answer?

Oh, please, if I had only known.

You sneered at her, didn't you?

You called her graceless, a scullery maid.

Jury, what say you?

The death penalty.

So ordered.

Ivan Petrovich Kalinkovich to the bar of justice.

Listen, Doctor, I did not know it was your ballet.

I will gladly admit to the whole world that you were the composer, not I.

Jury, what is the fitting punishment for one who pirates another's creation?

The supreme penalty? So ordered.

Justice Alonzo Fairley, the death sentence comes very easily to your lips,

doesn't it?

When the facts warrant it, yes.

Facts. It wasn't facts you ordered executed. It was a dear friend, and for

jury.

The jury finds that the facts now warrant your death.

So ordered.

Biff Trout, the peerless and incomparable rider of horses.

Tell the jury what is the worst crime a jockey can commit.

Look, Doc, so I threw a race.

I'll make it up to you, honest.

You preposterous fool.

It's not the $100 ,000 you robbed me of. It's the principle of uncorrupted

sport.

Jury.

Disbarred from further participation in life.

So ordered.

The case of Abby Carter.

What did I ever do to you?

You made the mistake of being the foreman on Judge Fairley's jury.

You were the stout -hearted one who held out for the guilty verdict, weren't

you?

Jury.

I hope your affairs are in order, Mr. Carter.

What about Saturday and Sunday?

You seem to have run out of enemies, Loveless. It's too bad.

Think so, huh?

Saturday's child is loving and giving.

Cyrus Sparlow.

Who's the head man around here?

Blame me for taking you away from your toys, sir.

My what?

You spend your days collecting insects and giving away millions. Certainly a

rich man's eccentric playthings. I see.

And for committing these unpardonable crimes.

You will be tried by a jury of your peers.

Well, that's a fine -looking set of jurors.

You have any objection to my pleading my own case before them?

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I've been a... of being addicted

to collecting insects and giving away millions.

And it's true, they're both habits that I can't seem to break.

Now, in collecting insects, I've never made a single blessed enemy.

As to the matter of giving away my millions, I've had nothing but trouble.

For instance...

You tell the jury.

What was it that I did to offend you?

I appealed to you for financing for my project to make all men equal in

and you laughed.

I did.

Had a plan to increase the height of little men like you?

No. A plan to shrink the height of big men like you and for turning down my

project.

Of course, death is the only possible verdict.

And now, last but certainly not least,

Sunday's child is Bonnie and Bray. Who would that be, Mr. West?

How many guesses do I have?

I'll give you a hint.

He's been a pebble in my shoe for as long as I can remember, with an

capacity for upsetting my most inspired plans.

Big flitterary.

Look at him. In the shadow of death and he's still collecting butterflies.

Another time.

And the local police quickly rounded up the other members of the loveless gang

who managed to escape, including Delilah.

You, uh, getting all this, Jim?

I haven't missed a word, Jack.

With the exception of Dr.

Loveless, who made his surprise reappearance riding on an elephant with

dancing bears and a chorus of swans singing Old Dog Trey a cappella.

Huh?

What?

You know, I've been thinking about poor old Artie.

Subjected to the perils of Washington.

What do you say we have a drink in his honor?

I'll drink to that, Jim.

What do you say we pour one for Artie? Why not?

For Artie.

To Afton, friends.

Salute.

Thank you.