Original subtitles

Okay, okay, let me try it one more time without the script.

I've had it with you.

You listen to me.

When you wake up from tonight's drunken stupor, you're going to wake up alone

and confused, having missed the part where I told you to get the hell out of

house. Bet.

Hold on, Oscar. I've got to get through this.

I should have done this years ago.

There's the door.

Use it.

Now, Bet, just wait a second. Wait a second.

Now, look.

Connie is a lot of things.

But, I mean, does she lie?

Why, yes, she does, yes.

But does she drink? Well, yes, a tad more.

But, I mean, that's... You can't just throw the woman out on the street. This

woman has no marketable skills.

We were reading from a script.

Yes, can I finish?

But she has the warmest, kindest, most forgiving heart. No, I'm wrong.

That's not going to work.

And she could pass for 30.

That works.

Five. Still works.

Oh, man, I have to get this part. I love this character. She's caring, kind, and

compassionate, just like me.

Don't you think? Yes, yes, yes.

So, um, who else is going up for this role? Glenn Close, Angelica Houston, and

Jessica Lange. Oh, for heaven's sake.

What do old girls know about being a tough -talking waitress with a troubled

past? What do you know about being a tough -talking waitress with a troubled

past? Absolutely nothing. But I'm going to get inside this character's head. I'm

going to find out what makes Helen Callaghan tick. And how do you propose

that?

I'm going to get a job as a waitress.

It's called method acting.

You live the role, you become the role.

Like in that film, Hocus Pocus, where you played that witch.

No, of course you didn't. I'm going to shut up now.

A waitress?

That's rich.

You don't even serve at tennis.

Laugh all you like. From now on, I am Helen Callahan, waitress.

Okay, well then, Helen, as long as you're in there, can you get me a soda?

Sorry, Stretch, not my station.

Ooh, Helen's sassy.

crazy and nothing that i say is true who won my heart and soul

forever it's nobody else but nobody else but each time i

feel i'm out to pass girl

So you're going to get a job as a waitress, huh?

That's right.

Well, if it helps you get a handle on the character, I'm all for it, Bette.

Bette doesn't live here anymore.

But Helen Callahan does.

I like this Helen. Me too.

I'd like her a lot better if she ran downstairs and gave me a bag of chips.

First of all, Helen bows to no man.

And second, Bette already ate the chips.

I have to create Helen's backstory.

The script says she's a woman rebuilding her life and self -esteem after

escaping the dirtbag husband who mistreated her.

So you're going to sing in this?

No, I'm not going to sing in this. It's a serious role.

I'm a single mother clawing my way up from welfare.

Although I suppose I could sing over the end credits.

What else do you know about the character?

Well, she's got two kids. One of them has a big head like the kid in Mask.

The other one's just shy.

You'd think it'd be the other way around.

Well, big day tomorrow.

I think I'll take this thing off. Oh, if it's okay with Bette, I wouldn't mind

Helen sleeping over.

Oh, I think that would be in Helen's character.

Oh, Helen, can you teach Bette to do that?

You could put on a mermaid suit and sing Wind Beneath My Wings. Nobody's going

to believe a movie star's waiting on them at a truck stop. Yes, you're right.

Would you look at this? They have two Melissa Manchesters, Hey Mickey in

and Spanish, and no me. All right, well, this isn't exactly your crowd. What are

you talking about? When I first started out, I was huge with blue collars.

Construction workers, bikers, cops, they all loved me. Yeah, that was the

village people.

You're right.

Hey, didn't the Indian try to choke me one time?

Oh. Those were the day.

Yeah. All right, listen, listen. We've got to finish Helen's application here.

Have you ever been convicted of a felony? Yes, but Roy and I decided she

been wrongly accused.

Okay, how about references? Put down Danny DeVito. Helen doesn't know Danny

DeVito. Oh, right, right, right.

Helen, Helen, Helen.

Morning, uh, Helen. That's right, Helen. Helen T. Callahan.

Hi. I'm Carl, the manager.

And you are?

I'm Connie.

Connie Piedabowski.

Yes, I'm her parole officer.

I was a prison brat.

Daddy was a warden. My only friends, the pigeons in the yard and the snipers in

the tower.

Uh -huh. So you're on parole?

You mustn't worry. I was wrongly accused.

Of what?

What does it matter? I was wrongly accused.

You ever been a waitress before?

Well, I waited on my deadbeat husband for years until he ran off, leaving me

spend my life in the kitchen, frying up a mess of gizzards and chickens and...

Ham.

Anyway, I just tried to piece my life together after a run -in with the law.

Uh -huh.

Do we have any other applicants?

No. You want to work overtime?

No.

How about your mother? She got feeling in her left side yet? No.

You want a job?

I have a job, sir, and its name is Justice.

Now who's glazing the hand?

All right, well, I guess you're hired.

Let's get your uniform, get you out there. Oh, that's fantastic.

Just send the contracts to Connie.

outfit. I haven't had this much polyester on me since I made out with

Gees.

But you look cute.

This material doesn't breathe.

I smell like a foot.

Helen smells like a foot. Remember, you're Helen. Oh, right, right. Helen

stinks, not me.

By the way, do you think that Helen likes bed?

Oh, no, you tell me.

I think she does.

Note, Helen likes bed.

Okay, I gotta go. What time do you want me to pick you up?

Helen doesn't get picked up. Helen takes the bus. Oh, yes, of course she does.

All right, I'll have the car pick you up by the bus stop down the street. Okay.

But don't be late, because I don't want to look like I'm waiting for a bus.

Hi, Helen. I'm Penny. I'll be showing you the road. Oh, great.

I have a little tape recorder here to help me take notes.

Notes? Yeah.

Yeah, you know, little tips behind the scenes, stuff like waitress lingo. I

mean, don't you have a special talk all your own, like Adam and Eve on a raft?

What the hell is that?

Two poached egg on toast.

I don't get it.

Why are you wearing spike heels?

Are you a prostitute?

Well, I wasn't at first, but then my dirtbag ex -husband thought it would be

good idea.

Yeah, so what do you do to cool your dogs all day after a hard day slinging

hash? Are you high?

Hey, Carl, the new girl's high!

No, Penny, I'm clean, I'm clean. I have to be for my kids.

One of them has a big head like the kid in Mask.

Listen, Penny, just think of me as a sponge. I'm just trying to learn from

Okay, well, look, here.

Think of this as a sponge. Go wipe down the table. Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm

going. But first, tell me, tell me.

When you're serving people all day, does a small, rebellious voice inside you

ask, when is it my turn?

Gee, I never thought of that.

But some waitresses, you know, think like that, right? Well, most people I

with really don't have time to think like that.

Most people I pay to work actually work.

Get the lead out, ladies. Come on.

Surly manager.

Possible sexual tension.

Maybe Helen can turn it to her advantage.

Get to work.

Definite sexual tension.

Hi, I'm Penny. I'll be your waitress. And I'm Helen.

Helen Callahan, your waitress -in -training.

I'm also newly divorced and putting the pieces of my life back together.

And, uh, oh, yes, and I'm studying law at night school.

Really? I'm a lawyer. What kind of law are you studying?

Entertainment law.

I'm in entertainment law. Where's your office? Beverly Hills?

Reseda. Reseda? Oh, honey, you're not in entertainment law.

Why? Was I talking too much? I was just trying to be personable. I mean, I think

that's part of my character.

You think that's part of your character?

Yeah, yeah, that's part of my character.

Okay.

Well, you know, it's just that he's kind of cute. He comes in here all the time.

He doesn't have a ring on his finger.

Oh, so that's your type, huh?

Yeah, he's my type. He doesn't wear an ankle brace with a beep.

So I'd kind of like to talk to him, unless you're interested. Oh, no, no,

You go ahead. I already have an entertainment lawyer.

Ellen?

Milk spill on table four.

You say that to me like I did it.

Oh, right, that's my job. Well, look, Carl, I cleaned up a spill earlier, so

I've already got that down.

What else you got? A splitting headache from listening to you.

He wants me so bad.

Being a single mom is so hard.

I never have a moment to myself. The kids are always trying to take

And talk about a date repellent.

Tell me something.

Are there any good men left in this world?

Look, this is just an after -school job so I can earn gas money.

I mean, I'll date you, but I can't support you.

That's funny. I once said the same thing to Tony Orlando.

You know, I'm a single mom, too. You are?

Really? What's it like?

For you, I mean.

You're looking at it. I get the kids to school, work a double shift, and get

home in time to read them a story. And you can forget about dating.

Don't you miss it?

The only thing I miss about dating is it gets me off my feet.

If I'm lucky.

So what's your story? Well, my ex was a heavy drinker who, after two kids,

decided it was time to trade up, and he moved in with his favorite stripper.

I've heard that story a hundred times.

Oh, so it sounds a little too cliché? Because that's what I was thinking.

Helen, table five needs more coffee.

Well, you can tell them I'm still waiting for a please.

Salisbury steak?

Fried chicken.

Ham and eggs.

Mystery meat.

Lobster. Lobster, what the hell were you thinking?

I'm telling you, Connie, it ain't easy working for the man.

Tell me about it.

So, um, so how did you get home? Did you, um... actually take the bus?

Well, this place is bigger than my high school.

I can't believe you actually won it on Wheel of Fortune.

Thanks for the ride, Jimmy. Your gas money's right there on the table. Oh,

Call me sometime if you want to talk.

But not after ten. My mom gets mad. Okay.

How was your day? Piece of cake.

I stepped in, learned the lingo.

I even got a standing ovation.

Really? What did you do?

I got fired.

I failed. If I can't hold on to a waitress job for one day, how can I

anyone I'm a waitress on screen?

I can't believe I didn't last one day.

You can't just fire.

people anymore. You've got to have just cause.

Oh, really?

What are those?

Customer comment cards. Or, as Carl refers to them, just cause.

You mean people really fill those things out? They did today.

Well, I'm sure you got some good comments in there. Yes, you did.

Thank you, Helen.

See, there you go. I now understand the reason for the three -day cooling off

period before you can buy a gun.

Here's a good one.

I gave you a ten.

You added the zero to that just now. I saw you.

Actually, I added the one.

Who am I kidding?

I can't play this part. Connie, call them up and cancel the screen test.

I'm no waitress. Come on, babe.

Helen Callahan is not a quitter, and neither are you.

If Helen lost her job, then... Hey, hey, hey. In the script, Helen did lose her

job. Oh, my God. You're right.

Well, how did she handle it?

Connie, Connie, give me that script.

If I can get this job back, I really will be Helen Callahan.

What is she doing? What happens now? Oh, here it is. Here it is.

Helen storms in.

You can't fire me, Mr. Kellard.

I'm not asking for my job back. I'm demanding my job back.

Demanding? You heard me. I need this job. And not you or anybody else is

food out of the mouths of my kids.

I know your kind, Kellard.

Carl. I've come across guys like you my whole life.

My first husband was like you.

I used to work for a guy like you back on a... on a...

Line. Turkey Ranch in Petaluma.

Turkey Ranch in Petaluma.

And I'll tell you exactly what I told him. No man can keep Helen Callahan

What the hell are you talking about?

Helen Callahan is here to stay. So I suggest you steer clear or get run over.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a job to do. No, no. No, you don't. I fired

you yesterday. Now beat it. And take your parole officer with you.

Carl. Give me my job back or I'll tell everybody that you re -serve food from

other people's plates.

I'm a fair man. Welcome back.

But no more speeches and no more life stories of the customers.

Just take the orders and bring the food.

I can do that.

Yeah, so you keep saying.

Brother. Well, that speech just laid there.

Was it me or the dialogue?

Oh, the dialogue. You were great. Oh, come on. Tell me the truth. Helen can

it. You know, honey, maybe that's the problem. Don't look at Helen as some

of radical departure from Bette. Think of Helen as an extension of Bette. Oh,

yeah, right, right, right. I should just concentrate on being me, Bette, and see

what shades of me, Bette, I can bring to Helen. There you go. But what if they

don't like me, Bette?

What have you got to lose? We know they don't like you, Helen.

Good point.

Hey, hey, hey. More coffee here? More coffee here?

That tone of voice tells me you've already had enough coffee. You're

juiced.

Okay, people, I got an omelet, two BLTs, and a burger.

Come on, people. They're not going to jump onto the table by themselves.

Okay, there you go.

All right, pal, what's it going to be?

Chicken fries, steak, mashed potatoes, biscuits, extra gravy, and... And a side

of paramedics to revive you.

You're getting a grilled chicken breast and a fruit cup.

Here's a tip. You're a tightwad.

Ooh, you've worked your way up to skinflint.

Oh, great. Now three of my six kids can eat.

Thanks, handsome. Come again.

Oh, my God.

The lawyer from receipt is here. That's twice in one day.

Do you think he's here for me?

Well, he's not here for the fine wine.

Penny, Penny, a word of advice?

Yeah. You know those great stories about your children? Yeah.

Save them for the honeymoon.

Oh, my God.

Who is that?

My husband.

I mean, my ex -husband. You mean the one who ran off with this stripper? I'll

take care of him. No, Penny, Penny, wait. Hey, we reserve the right to

service to anyone, and that includes deadbeat husbands who run off with dirty

trims.

Penny, I'll take it from here. You go talk to the lawyer.

Okay.

But I'm watching you, mister.

Oh, God, honey, let me get that for you.

Maybe some of the other customers are going to want the same service.

What's with the get -up?

I'm just trying to fit in.

You look like the Grand Marshal at a gay rodeo.

You mean it doesn't turn you on?

Oddly enough, it does.

How's it going?

I'm doing great.

I'm actually starting to enjoy myself.

Are you going to do this again tomorrow? Are you kidding?

I've learned all I need to learn. Tomorrow I'm taking an eight -hour

I'm not even going to stop for lunch.

Well, it'll be good to have you back home again.

You're going to keep the wig, right?

Let's wait and see how you tip, cowboy.

Ellen.

You know, I didn't think you were going to cut it, but I have to say you did a

pretty good job today.

Yeah, I did.

You know what? I even got a marriage proposal on a comment card today.

Well, it was more like a honeymoon proposal.

Actually, it was pretty vile.

I'm sending it to the police.

Now, tomorrow I'm going to need you in extra early.

Oh, Carl, about tomorrow.

Well, I've decided to give my husband a second chance, so I'm not going to be

needing this job anymore.

Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that.

That sounds crazy, but...

Just kind of hoping something might happen between the two of us.

I knew it.

Carl, I had no idea.

Yeah, yeah, I was going to ask you up to my trailer and everything.

You have a trailer?

I don't believe this. Connie didn't get me a trailer.

Oh, Carl, that's so sweet.

Well, I'm sorry, Carl. This is goodbye.

Why don't you let me take the police for you?

Oh, hey, Helen.

There's something I need to ask you. Sure.

Charlie, the lawyer, he asked me out tomorrow night. No kidding.

Oh, I'm so happy for you. I know this is short notice, but do you think you

could cover for me?

Cover for you?

Tomorrow night?

Oh, gee.

I, um... Oh, it's okay. Never mind. We can go out another time. I shouldn't

asked. Oh, oh, no, no, no. Of course I'll cover for you. You go and have a

time. I didn't have any plans tomorrow night anyway.

Oh, you're the best.

Thank you. Have fun. Have fun.

I'm going to need you to work late tomorrow night.

And you might want to pick up a pair of sensible shoes.

Honey, I nailed it.

And the costume totally put it over the top.

I told the director that the script had to be much more authentic, and he was

very receptive.

That's great, darling. But I actually just got a call. They gave it to Glenn

Close.

Glenn Close?

What does she know about waitressing? She'd never do what I did.

I got gravy burns.

Well, the director... The doctor said she's working at an IHOP in Santa

An IHOP in Santa Monica?

They got customer comment cards there? I believe they do.

Let's roll.

about it but dude