Original subtitles

You know what?

I really am much shorter in person.

Yeah, but that's okay because your head is freakishly large.

All -stars have huge heads. Vanna White, we're talking Easter Island.

How's the guacamole? Good. Not too runny? No. Not too chunky? It's a

Maybe I'll try some, just to be sure. No.

You've been starving yourself for six weeks to get into that gown for the

Grammys. Don't blow it now. Oh, you're right, you're right. I've only got a

couple more hours to go. It's not going to kill me. Do you think my waist would

look smaller if I had a couple of ribs removed?

God, I could go over some baby backs right now.

Honey, honey, two words.

Mad cow.

You're right, you're right. Maybe I'll just lick a chip.

I won't put it back this time.

Listen, did you lick anything else? I was thinking of having a plum.

Honey, please, I have a will of iron. You don't get to be who I am without

having the discipline of a monk.

Ooh, salami. No, no, okay.

I'm just gonna sniff it while I get my hair done.

Who loves me even though I'm crazy?

And nothing that I say is true.

Who won my heart and soul?

Forever it's no.

Nobody else but, nobody else but, nobody else but you.

La, la, la, la, you, yeah.

Nobody else but you.

Are you ready?

Oh, am I?

Oh, my God.

This thing in fortune really is all it's crossed up to be.

Pretty snazzy, huh? Oh, my God. I've had pictures that grossed less than those

calls.

Do you think they're too much? Oh, absolutely.

Great. I love excess. Yeah, yeah. Well, don't get too attached, Missy, because

these are only on loan for the night. The security guard takes them back right

after the Grammy. Yeah, well, he'll have to catch me first.

No, no, no.

You listen to me.

You're just going to lose them like that bracelet, and the next thing you know,

I'm crawling under the house with a flashlight in my mouth.

Well, on the plus side, we did find that family of raccoons.

Yeah, and I had to pay for the rabies shot.

What?

Oh, Connie, your skin is so luminous.

Oh, that's so sweet. You know, you never believe me, but to this day, just an

eczema and a cold cloth is... Hey, hey, hey!

You're like a cat. If you moved that quick under the house, that raccoon

would have bit your thigh.

Do you think I should tell a joke now?

No, at the awards.

No, you're just supposed to sing.

Yes, but I'm very good at witty banter. Like? You know, like what we're doing

right now. Like give and take, riffing razzmatazz.

Maybe I'll just sing.

Oh, Connie.

I know.

Oh, Connie, Connie, Connie. I know, I know, I know.

I'm very happy to be singing tonight, but...

I wish I'd been nominated.

I made such a beautiful album and nobody bought it.

Sweetheart, they'll buy it when you're dead.

You think?

Maybe.

Spit it out.

What's that hairstyle's name again? Inez.

How do you pronounce it?

It said Madonna's going to be there, and U2 is going to be there, and Destiny's

Child is going to be there. And your mom is going to be there.

I know, but it's still going to be really cool.

Hey, and I like that one earring thing. It really works for you. Thank you,

sweetie.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh.

What are you doing?

Oh, uh, just trying a little something with my hair.

It's a look. Thank you.

I have to get Inez a beverage. I thought it was Inez. It's Inez, and you think

I'm a diva.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Lord.

Connie, if you're looking for loose change, at least wait until I'm out of

house.

Just pumping the pillows. Sweetheart, don't get dressed. I mean it. You're

to be so late.

Connie, when did going to these events get to be so much work?

Between the dress and the hair and the three -to -five bras.

And I don't even stand a chance of taking home an award.

Oh, sweetie, you know what they say.

Just being nominated is really the great honor.

But I wasn't nominated.

Well, you're taking it like such a good soldier.

Aren't I?

I'm going to bring Inez a little snack. She's looking a little feral. Oh!

You hit someone with a door you don't say sorry?

Oh, sorry, yes.

Well, anyway, I spent three hours at the airport. No sign of her anywhere.

It's all my fault, you know. She was perfectly happy in England. But no, I

to go and call her. Hello, Grammy. This is Oscar.

Would you like to come to America to the Grammys? You know, take my Grammy to

the Grammys?

We had a good laugh there, I can tell you.

And then she said, no, I'd rather... My Oscar took me to the Oscars. I tell you,

sometimes there's no pleasing that woman.

I really wish I had the time to care, but I'm in the middle of a crisis of my

own right now. Yes, but your crisis can usually be solved with a pint of Haagen

-Dazs and a Chippendales video.

I've lost an entire human being. Well, is she worth $5 .2 million?

She's my grandmother, and you cannot put a price tag on a human life.

But no, she's not.

She's about five foot four.

Well, any way you measure her, really.

And she's attractive in a sort of Glenda Jackson, Peter Ustinov kind of way.

Yes, I agree. That's not attractive at all. All right.

Put on your sketch artist. I'll talk into it.

That's it.

That's it.

If you're not going to sit still, I'm going and I'm taking my babies with me.

That's my hair. Not anymore.

You can look for it somewhere on Little Kim.

I'm sorry to be so fidgety, but I'm singing at the Grammys tonight. I'm a

nervous. You sing?

Stop doing that. You know perfectly well who I am. Well, so far, you're just a

lot of movies I haven't seen and music I've never heard.

What do you mean?

I'm huge in the black community.

Who told you that?

Brian Gumbel.

Uh -huh.

All right, I'll stay.

But you better sit still, because I got some curling irons in here, and I will

burn you.

I'll get it.

Good afternoon.

Hello, I'm sorry. If you're Jehovah's Witnesses, I'm very busy and I worship a

different god.

Wait, that's my grandmother.

Oh, beg your pardon. Please come in.

Oh, this is rather posh, isn't it?

I thought it would be bigger.

Grammy, I have been worried sick. Where have you been?

Well, ducking.

When I didn't spot you at the airport, I got on one of those tours of movie

stars' homes and they dropped us off right here.

And who's this? This is Bernice.

We met on the tour.

Can I use your bathroom?

It's right through there.

But you have to jiggle the handle.

Well, listen, thank goodness you're all right. Now, I would like you to meet

Bette. Hello.

You're shorter in person.

What happened to your hair?

What happened to your hair?

Oh, Oscar, you're quite right. She has got a nasty edge.

Yes, in England, nasty is sort of colloquial for multi -talented. I

Did you find everything all right?

And Gillian had a bidet.

What kind of a tour was that? Oh, spectacular.

Would have been better with a spot of tea.

I'll pass that on to the main office.

Tea? Oh, darling, what a wonderful idea.

Where the hell did you come from?

You know, I'll bet they're hungry, too.

No, I'm fine, thank you. I wouldn't mind a sandwich.

Well, there you see, your guests are starving.

You promised me you would play the rehearsal tape of her screaming at the

Isn't she a dream?

Yeah, you could eat her with a spoon.

Everyone,

go. Have tea. Go, go, go, go. Go. Don't break a hip.

I can't believe I'm an hour away from singing at the Grammys and I'm making a

roast beef sandwich.

With horseradish. I know, Bernice. I heard you the first three times.

Okay, I'm ready. How do I look?

Oh, adorable.

Really? Absolutely. Go change.

Because you're not going out of the house looking like that.

Jenny, you're right. She's not letting me wear the leather pants.

See, Jenna says I look 16 in these pants.

She does?

Let me talk to her.

All right, do yourself a favor. Go find the rest of that shirt, burn it, and

then put on a sweater.

You don't have these problems in England, do you?

Everyone's so pasty. They never show it again.

Oscar. Will Bernice be sitting with us at the awards show?

I'm not too sure. Bette, can you pull any strings?

Oscar, it's a very hot ticket. You can't just walk up and get in.

That's how I got on The Price is Right.

Yes, but come on. Surely my granny can bring a friend. Oh, I have a great idea.

Why don't you call that ex of yours, the guy that dances behind Ricky Martin?

Oh, he's a lovely chap. Why don't you date him?

If not, send him over to me.

Bernice, haven't you got someone waiting for you back at the home? You'd think.

OK, Bernice, here you go. Knock yourself out.

Oh, two skinny slices.

I thought you were exaggerating when you said she was cheap and miserly.

She does like her brandy.

a glass, but I'm too cheap and miserly.

Connie,

what are you doing down there?

Hopefully, clotting.

Shut up, shut up.

You also have to understand that I also say very positive things about you.

Yeah? Like what?

Like you've never killed anyone.

The night is young, Oscar.

think i have a concussion always with the drama i thought we settled this

ago i'm famous you're not here's a little drama i lost one of the harry

earrings oh my god those are worth a lot of money you're in a lot of trouble

well actually i'm not liable for them they're loaned out to you you're the

famous one

Can we take a break, please, for a minute?

My poor grandmother's back is hurting.

No, it isn't. All right, my back is hurting.

Go and leave here until we find that earring.

Is my eye swelling shut?

I don't know what you usually look like.

Did you go anywhere else? Think.

Did you go in the pool?

No, I didn't go in the pool. It's February.

Did you go in the jacuzzi? No, why are you asking me this?

Barney said this perfume made me smell like lilacs.

Yeah, lilacs that were swimming laps at the Y.

Look at this.

Oh, what? What? What? Oh, you get a lot of letters from prisoners.

You put those back.

I'm all they have.

I was just looking through your closet.

And what are these, like a seven? Because I got a wedding I need to borrow

for.

What were you doing in my closet?

are you wearing?

Kayla lent it to me. Well, Kayla's a tramp.

Go up and change.

But her mom lets her.

Yeah, well, Kayla's mom may be ready to become a grandmother, but I'm not, so go

upstairs and put on something more appropriate.

Honey, honey, do that again. Point and shake your arm. Why?

Why, do I have some kind of waddle thing going on? No, no, I heard a sound.

What's in your pocket? Just something to keep me going.

She's an ecstasy.

Paul cracks it again.

Well, now that the earring is found, I'm going to go upstairs and squeeze myself

into that dress.

Oh, my God, you should see it, Connie. It's got more gauze than my last close

-up.

And Pamela Dennis said I could keep it. No, she didn't. She will after I sweat

through it.

Jennifer Lopez got her hair caught in a zipper.

Not hers.

Well, ladies, what do you think?

It's lovely.

This is a good mattress.

Don't get any crumbs on the bed, Bernice.

Oh, Grammy, you naughty, naughty, naughty girl, all here alone with Bette,

getting up to lots of mischief, I expect. Come, I'll make you a cup of

I don't want any tea. I don't want any tea.

Fabulous. She has such interesting stories. Like the time I was in Italy

took some of my wigs and put them on your dog and took pictures.

Or when she was performing at Madison Square Garden and you told her.

You know, I've got a better story, though. Do you remember the time I

in the woodshed with your knickers around your ankle kissing the milkman?

I think there have been enough stories to write.

Come along, Bernice.

I don't see a Bible in this room anyway.

Everybody ready?

Hair by Inez, earrings by Harry Winston, dressed by Pamela Dennis, and these

prize -winning puppies by an upward shift in my tectonic plate.

Thank you.

Oh, I recognize her.

Well, of course. Yes, of course we understand.

Okay, no problem.

No problem for you.

What's up?

First off, you look fabulous.

Oh, no.

It's that bad.

Backstreet Boys and NSYNC are forming a Superboy band for the Grammys. They're

going to sing together tonight for the very first time. Oh, and the bad news

They've bumped Beth's song.

I'm so sorry, honey, but they still want you to be on the show.

What do they want me to do?

Introduce the montage of the dead.

Well, that's kind of a downer.

What am I, the Grim Reaper?

I'm not going. Oh, sweetie, come on. We're all set to go, and we're so

Connie, Connie, there's no point now.

I don't feel very good.

Come in.

Rose.

Rose, honey, I hate to be the bearer of bad news. Okay, you have to let me wear

this because you bought it for me.

How about these Grammys?

Oh, honey, you look so beautiful.

Thanks, Mom. So do you. Oh, my God, this is going to be so cool. Blink -182 is

going to be there, and Macy Gray is going to be there, and I'm definitely

Beck for an autograph.

Oh, my goodness.

You're really excited about this, huh?

Yeah. I mean, it's my first Grammys, and I know it doesn't sound like a lot to

you because you've been there like a million times, but this is like the most

exciting night of my whole life. Oh, well, I know how that feels.

I remember my first Grammys. Hell, that might have been the first Grammys.

You went for Best New Artist that year. Oh, yes, I did. Your mommy won the same

award as Milli Vanilli.

Who? Never mind.

Yeah, it was all so new back then.

Ah, my first record, my first nomination.

Doesn't seem that long ago now.

Sometimes I forget how exciting all this stuff can be.

Lately I've been thinking I didn't have much reason to go.

But I guess I was wrong.

I can't wait to hear you sing tonight.

Oh, why wait?

Do you?

Do you wanna dance?

Do you, do you, do you, do you? Do you wanna dance?

Do you, do you, do you, do you?

Do you wanna dance?

Connie, get the car!

We're going to the Grammy!

All right, we are here in Los Angeles outside the Staples Center for the

is on the red carpet tonight.

Ah, look at who is here.

Look who it is. It's the divine Miss Anne.

And it looks like you brought more than a few guests with you tonight. Well, you

know what they say. You gotta have friends.

Huh? That's the song I used to sing.

Sounds like a big hit.

Would you like to introduce us to your entourage?

Well, this is my beautiful daughter, Rose. All right.

My manager, Connie Randolph. Oh, my.

What are you wearing here?

Oh, it's an ace bandage that I've bedazzled.

Oscar Haywood and his grandmother and her friend Bernice.

I'd like to give a shout out to my church.

Well,

I want to thank you all for stopping and talking to us. You do look lovely

tonight. Thank you. I got to say that I really love this one earring thing.

What's wrong with you? Honey, I didn't notice this before, but with all these

lights flashing, this fabric is so sheer, you can see.

Oh, my God.

You can see my Gina Davis?

Connie, give me your underpants.