Original subtitles

What are you all dressed up for? The 3 .30 tour bus.

Last week, someone took a picture of me picking up the paper in Roy's gym shorts

and pulled it to the Enquirer.

So where are you going now?

Gardening.

Why can't you just simply go outside and wave at them? Shorts make me seem more

accessible.

You're behind an electric fence.

Connie, I'm vain. I'm not stupid.

Thank you.

You've got to do something to pep it up. Like what?

Well, how about if we put some banter into it? You know, idle comedic chit

like David Letterman and Paul Schaeffer.

Banter? Yeah.

But, I mean, you won't even put a spot on me. I have to play in the dark. I

to bring in my own itty -bitty book light to read the key.

Oscar, calm down. This is going to be great. Just lead me in. Okay, all right.

Say,

Oscar, what did you do last night?

I took a bath.

banter. I'd call a doctor if I thought it would help.

I don't get that.

Wear tighter pants and lower your standards. Then you'll get plenty.

I'm a pistol, but you've got to work on your timing.

Yes, that's the problem.

Oh, Oscar, you zinged me.

That was good, though.

Hello. Oh, hello.

Hello, Bette. John Lovitz, your favorite new neighbor.

I brought you your mail. Oh, my. God, your career has hit rock bottom.

I'm not delivering it.

They left it in my box by mistake.

Now, most of it's junk mail, although your checking account is dangerously

Oh, I can explain that. I was waiting for a check to trip... Give me that!

Oh! This must be your husband, Roy.

We met years ago on SNL. You were so thrilled to meet me. Uh, I'm Oscar.

Oscar! We met years ago...

It's lovely to see you again. I did enjoy your new film. What new film?

Now that's banter.

So, so you bought the Hibberts place, huh? We're going to miss them.

She drank and he never wore pants.

Well, I don't drink.

I do have one little problem, though. What's that? Well, I'm doing some

remodeling at my house and I need a place to stay.

Well, that's why they built hotels.

Yeah, well, I thought of that. But that's so sad and cold and lonely, don't

think? Hello, room service? I'm lonely.

Could you send up a hug?

What? Oh.

Oh, he said they're all out.

Gee, that's rough.

Well, don't you have any family in town?

Yeah, you and I are family. It's called show business.

No cousins, nothing?

Nothing.

You know, celebrities are supposed to take care of each other.

When the late, great Lillian Gish had her last stroke, I took her in, and I

chewed her carrots for her.

Well, Lonnie Anderson's never home. You just pop the latch on that back window,

you'll have the whole place to yourself.

Well, I always thought Hollywood took care of its own.

I just hope when you need somebody and slap the feeling back into your leg,

someone's kind enough to take you in.

If I'll figure out something.

Like when Daddy left us.

You just tell that piano monkey to keep it down in the morning. I'm a late

sleeper.

All right, be a tulip. Get the rest of my bags.

Okay, but I ain't chewing your...

She questioned him breathlessly.

He responded coolly.

Yeah, I did.

Well, welcome to the neighborhood.

Even across the crowded room, their electricity was palpable.

Where's Beth?

Her words betrayed her inner feelings.

A classic game of cat and mouse began.

Oh, you know, you're kind of creepy.

I could feel his longing gaze on her shapely form.

She proceeded with caution.

What am I doing this benefit for again?

Beverly Hills Police Department.

Why am I doing a benefit for them? To get out of that parking ticket.

couple of photos with them, they'll slip you a temporary handicap parking

sticker.

Curbside parking at Barney's?

Sweet.

All right.

Who ate my food?

I paid plenty for this zone diet, and I do not appreciate you two wolfing it

down. Order a pizza, you hyena.

Don't look at me.

It wasn't me, honey. It was Loveth. I saw it.

But this is my food. I know, Oscar, but the only time he doesn't talk is when

his mouth is full.

Didn't you try and stop him at all? Have you seen him eat?

He's like a wood chipper. I was afraid he was going to lose a finger.

Mom, why would the Hibberts want a trampoline with John Lovett's face on

The Hibberts have moved out.

John Lovett's is moving in.

Okay, why would John Lovett's want a trampoline with John Lovett's face on

Well, you can ask him yourself. He's staying here for the next couple of

You get John Lovett and I don't get a dog?

That is so unfair.

Be the, be the, be that.

Wow.

Oh, that song makes me feel like summer.

Who are you?

I'm Rose. What are you doing in my room?

Hey, are you the maid?

Because I'd like to add Quilted Charmin to the shopping list.

No, I'm the daughter. My mom told me you'd be staying with us.

Oh, and you came upstairs to see the famous funny man with a thousand faces.

I've already met Dana Carvey.

Then why does it say property of John P. Lovett on it?

You wrote that.

With my nail polish. Oh, you know what?

Everything is me, me, me, me, me, me. You know, I knew her child would be

spoiled, but this is ridiculous.

Baby.

You're the baby. No, you're the baby. You are the baby. You, you're the baby.

Baby times infinity.

Is this the guest room?

He just proposed to me.

In his Home of the Whopper boxer shorts.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. Did you accept?

Darling, if you want to hurt me, just poke me with a fork.

Well, you could do a lot worse.

No, you can't.

Mom,

can you do something about Lovett's hogging my computer?

Please tell me he was wearing pants.

He was. He told me he was emailing his foster child in Peru, and then he asked

me if I had a credit card.

I know you're trying to be a good neighbor, sweetheart, but he's just

advantage of you.

I know, but I just feel so bad for him. I mean, we go back a long way.

No, you don't. You've never met the guy. Sweetheart, he's got to go.

I can't. Who's going to chew my carrots?

Gobbles needs a bath.

Yes, we do. You know... I have to leave.

Really? Thank God.

Please don't beg me to stay. My mind is made up.

Wait a second. What just happened? What are you trying to say?

Simply put, your house is bad.

What? My house isn't bad. I have a good house. It was built in 1927 by a very

famous closeted homosexual.

Well, no disrespect to the architecture, but the energy, the aura, the vibe,

it's all...

You got no chi, baby.

There was enough chi for you to sweat up my sheets and make a turkey.

I sensed this bad energy the moment I arrived.

It's eating away at my creativity.

You're not creative. You play the same character in every movie.

And you play two characters.

Big and...

There's no cold spot in this house. Oh, yes, I get you right. There's no cold

spot in this house, except right here. Because your hands are cold. Because I'm

in the cold spot. This house is bad news, baby, and I'm out of here.

And I'm taking my turkey with me.

And my muffins.

So I'll see you around.

Sorry your house is a portal to evil.

There's no such thing as a portal to evil.

And if there were, I'm certain it would be in the valley.

Now, listen, I know about these things.

New York City, 1985.

A young John Lovett, a very handsome one, moves into an apartment on the

West Side. It is filled with bad energy and the pungent smell of curry.

Are you sure that wasn't you?

Sick, pine -scented Glade plug -ins make quick work of the curry.

The bad... energy remained, and I lost the lead role in a little film called

Gun.

Roll after roll passed me by until I learned to detect the negative mojo that

was my living space.

Now, Beth, seriously, this piano here is the creative center of your house. It's

the core of everything that is you, and it's all bad.

Let's do a little musical test.

Don't go breaking my heart.

Come on.

How stupid do you think I am?

Look, do you want to test the energy or not?

Don't go break...

these things before.

Now, if we were to make even the slightest change, it would make a huge

difference. Can I try something?

Yes, yes, go ahead. All right.

That feels better already.

Yeah, do you feel it?

Yeah, I think I do.

all vegetarians.

See, that works on two levels.

Yes, and both of them bad.

See?

No matter how many candles you burn, I still smell Lovett's.

What is going on? What's with this stuff?

It's Lovett's. He says that I've got bad energy all over this house.

Yes, him.

He really spooked me. He says there's a dark cloud hanging over the house and

I'm starting to believe him.

I mean, how else can you explain my last five movies?

You don't read the scripts before you do them.

Nah, it's the black cloud.

Well, I've done everything I can upstairs, but I'm afraid this problem is

than even me.

I say save the women and children first. You save the children, and I'll save

the women.

I can't believe you're even listening to this clown.

This clown...

her humble abode.

Unfortunately, it's beyond me. If I were you, I'd sell. I'm not selling my

house. My daughter was born here and it's full of wonderful memories.

Hey, it's your decision.

If you need me, I'll be on my trampoline bouncing on my face.

There's room for two.

Room for two!

Okay, tell me the truth. Do you think I'm being silly?

Yes. No, really.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Sue.

They don't want me to play Eleanor Roosevelt?

But I actually read the script this time.

Well, half of it.

Oh.

All right, fine.

Oh, what? You didn't get the part?

Oh, I should have seen the writing on the... wall and they cast freddie prince

jr as fdr that's it john lovitz is right i should sell

this house there seems to be some sort of a funk over it you know i'll bet

that's the reason i can't keep a maid for more than two days in a row yes

because it's the house that makes them eat their lunch outside

a safe thank you.

You've been such a wonderful friend. It's been great knowing you. Oh, oh,

that sweet?

Why, thank you.

Who are you?

We're the Hibberts. We've been your neighbors for the last 15 years. Oh, I

didn't recognize you without a glass in your hand and you've got your pants on.

Well, lovely chit -chatting with you, but I've got a black cloud hanging over

this house and I gotta take some steps.

Oh, my God. The bad energy got to your house, too?

You know about the bad energy?

Oh, our house was full of it. We'd probably still be living there if Mr.

hadn't come along and discovered it.

Mr.

Lovitz discovered it? Oh, yeah. It wasn't that nice of him. Oh, yeah.

He's a real prince.

Tell him thank you for us if you see him. Oh, I have a funny feeling I'm

to be seeing him soon.

He's just too hinky.

I'm going to sell.

Oh! Oh, I think that's for the best.

And listen, if you need a realtor, I have a cousin.

You can call him. He's in his office.

Right now.

I will, I will, but first I need your help.

Well, I helped you out all that I can.

You see, I was talking to this shaman friend of mine. You know a shaman? Of

course I do. I come from Hawaii. We're lousy with shamans.

This shaman told me that in order to keep from taking the bad energy with me,

have to perform an old island ritual.

I, you know, come.

the energy over there by the doorway. Come on.

What time do you have?

Perfect.

Weird was going on.

But when the Hibberts came by and squealed, the jig was up.

Damn those meddling Hibberts.

By the way, besides the bad energy, they wanted you to know about the dry rot in

the game room.

Rats. Those too.

Well, I'll be going then. Not so fast.

What did you want with my house anyway?

I was going to build a shelter for wayward animals. The truth was...

and build a great, big, delicious pool.

What, cold spot?

No, I was just thinking about you in a swimsuit.

You wish.

Well, I'll see you at the next neighborhood watch meeting.

And I'll bring the muffins.

Just one thing still puzzles me.

Yes? How could you afford two houses in Beverly Hills?

Oh, the liar guy was huge in China.

That's Mandarin for, yeah, that's a ticket.

Wow! How do some of your other popular characters do in China? What other

popular characters? Exactly!

Nobody but you.

Nobody but you.