Original subtitles

Oh, Coco usually scrubs that one first.

Well, Coco's off today.

Here, you wash it.

I'm your musical director, not your cleaning woman.

Great, you can hum while you scrub.

There, it's clean as a whistle.

Oscar, what's this? Oh, I'm just checking my stock portfolio.

Really? Do you have stock in Mickey Martin's Naked Bon Bon?

Ugh, you and those celebrity naked photos.

Oh, I can't help it. I'm upset.

Well, I think it's pathetic.

This curiosity with celebrity is a sickness.

Oh, my.

What? Who is it? Who is it?

It's you.

Me? Yes, in all your divine glory.

It must be a lookalike. I've never posed nude in my life.

Well, if it's definitely your face, I suppose they could have...

painted your head on someone else's body. That's exactly what they did. I'm

going to call my lawyer. They're not going to get away with this. I'm going

sue. It's an invasion of privacy. It's... Oh, my God.

I know. Is there no human decency left in this world?

My body looks fabulous.

Your body?

Yeah, my body.

Bet you don't skydive. I do now.

Loves me even though I'm crazy And nothing that I say is true

Who'll warm my heart and soul forever It's nobody else but nobody else

Are you sure it's all right to drop me off at the dentist this morning? I told

you it's fine, just as long as you pitch in for gas.

All right, well, I'm not paying for the oil change this time.

Oh, and while we're on the subject, I've been meaning to talk to you about a

dental plan.

I cover your dental.

Buying me a water pick and telling me not to eat caramel is hardly the sort of

coverage I had in mind.

Oscar, I told you a million times.

Not in the trash. Use a recycling bin. Sorry.

And home -mixed paper with plastic. It's just...

Anarchy around here.

What? Look at this. It says I'm supposed to be volunteering at Rosa's school

today. Boy, I found this just in time.

Are you sure you should be volunteering? I mean, after what happened last time?

Hey, if I'm going to help teach sex ed, I'm not leaving out anything or anybody.

I guess that means we're not going to stay and rehearse our number this

Oh, I'm sorry, Oscar, but it's been a while since I volunteered, and I do like

to help out. Gee, sometimes I wish I were two people. Yes, wouldn't that be a

treat?

Well, you know what?

Today it's not the Divine Miss M. Today it's just plain old Mom.

Ooh, two hours. That gives me just enough time to get into hair and makeup.

You must be Mr. McNally, the new principal.

I'm Bette, Rose's mom.

I donated the left sink in the girls' bathroom.

What a pleasure. It's so wonderful to meet all the children's parents,

especially the ones I've enjoyed in countless entertaining films.

Oh, thank you. Isn't that nice of you? Boy, they don't give you much elbow room

around here, do they?

If I were you, I'd complain to the people who pay your salary.

We're a private school.

You pay me.

Oh. Oh, well, it's all about the kids, isn't it?

Thank you.

So, you're volunteering here today? Yes, yes, I'm happy to help out. Good. We

are always in need of parents to take the load off teachers.

You know, um, Mrs. Flynn needs help in world geography today.

She's going through a bit of a rough patch right now.

Oh, what's wrong?

I'm not at liberty to say. Just don't mention divorce or grand theft auto.

Oh, you know who else is volunteering today?

Olivia Newton -John.

Oh, she's such a dear. I love her. She's fabulous on that Judging Amy show.

She's not on TV right now. I know. I'm just being nice.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's this?

Oh, how'd that get there?

It's just a screenplay that I've been working on. Oh, I should take that back.

Okay. Fade in.

A no -nonsense principal cleans up an inner -city school with the help of her

partner, a wacky orangutan.

kicking myself at Oscar time, but my plate's a little full right now.

No, no, it's okay. I mean, you're such a big star.

So, geography, huh? Well, I'm a perfect fit for that. You know, I've traveled

the world extensively.

Yeah, and your broom.

Yeah, yeah, great, I heard. Listen, I need to, uh... Yeah, step outside for a

minute. Is there anything wrong?

Uh, no, no, no.

It's just that my husband, Glenn, is sleeping with my sister, which, as you

imagine, is causing some tension at home.

But I'm handling it.

Josh, I am begging you enough with the gum!

So, I need a little me time, you know, so that I don't take it out on the kids.

Oh, that's a good idea.

just take attendance and then you can sing, dance, or whatever the hell it is

you do.

Spit it out!

Okay. They're all yours.

All right. Now I guess I should take attendance.

But my opinion is if you're here, you're here. If you're not, you're not.

Okay.

Geography class, huh?

What are we working on now?

World capitals. It's heinous. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What's heinous is when you're on The Tonight Show and Roberto Benigni is

all over the couch while you're singing about it.

That's heinous.

Okay. Maybe the reason you're having trouble remembering world capitals is

because you don't have a fun way to remember them.

Okay. Someone give me a country. Thailand.

Thailand. Okay.

Bangkok. And let me tell you how I remember Bangkok.

Bogota.

Okay, this is a good one.

Well, I was doing a South American tour one year, and the mayor of Bogota wanted

to give me the key to the city. But when I got to his office, he had been shot.

And my fingerprints were all over everything.

Oh, that was the day.

How do you know all these? Trust me, honey, when you get to be 30, you're

to know a lot of trivia, too.

Gee, it's been ages. You know, grief is on the dish all the time. I cannot turn

on the TV without seeing you in that Ferris wheel.

You don't see Xanadu so much.

Well, that must be the bell. I should go.

I didn't hear the bell ring.

It will.

Gee, what's her problem?

Oh, hi, Rose.

Mom. Surprised?

Totally. Yeah, I'm a volunteer mom today.

What's up with you guys?

Nothing. Well, I got plenty of that.

Stacy, I love your hair.

Thanks. Her mom's letting her get a perm.

Honey, don't start with me again. I told you, perms on young girls are idiots.

Mom! Unless you have Stacy's swan -like neck.

Is that good?

Okay, where can I go before you compliment any of my other friends?

nice talking to you girls.

What are you doing here?

I need you to sign these CDs for K -Lite.

K -Lite? Yeah, they need them today. How come it's by K -Rock?

Well, that's not exactly your audience.

Oh, Connie, don't be ridiculous. Watch this.

Hi, do you know me?

One of the lunch ladies?

Give me the CDs. Okay.

Ah, the girls' bathroom.

I spent most of high school in here.

Constance Marie Randolph, were you one of those girls that hid in the girls'

bathroom and smoked?

Oh, I had to be in here.

I had a weak bladder.

Hey, screw K -Life. Let's auction these off on eBay.

Sweetie, you were giving these away for free.

Giving something away for free in the bathroom? That takes me back to high

school.

By the way, what's up Olivia Newton -John's ass?

That girl.

That girl is giving me attitude like you cannot believe.

Well, honey, Olivia Newton -John doesn't like you. Why?

Why doesn't Olivia Newton -John like me? Well, I don't know why she doesn't like

you. A lot of people don't like you. I just wouldn't let her worry you.

How's it going today?

Great. I killed in geography.

But that principal, you should have heard the movie he pitched me. Take it.

I had a rough week at the trash.

Don't you have a class to get to?

I'm going to look into homeschooling.

You want to come?

No, no. Go ahead.

Sweetie, you trying to cover up that hickey? A couple of dabs of toothpaste,

one will be the wiser.

Thanks. I think he really loves me. Oh, of course he does, sweetheart.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me.

Aren't you Rose's mom?

Yes, I am. Who are you?

Oh, my name's Rob, but most of my friends call me Luke Skykiller, which,

sure you know, is the real name of a certain Jedi knight.

Right.

Well, the reason I stopped you is I was hoping to ask your lovely daughter Rose

to the winter snowball.

I helped come up with that.

Anyway, I was wondering if you could put in a good word for me, and I assure

you, my intentions are strictly honorable.

Oh, well, I can't answer for my daughter.

You're right.

You should have known.

A girl like Rose would never want to go out with a guy like me. Why do you say a

thing like that?

Because under this great head of hair is some sort of alien life form.

Well, you know, I was the only Jewish girl in a Samoan neighborhood. You talk

about being an alien.

Anyway, go ahead and ask Rose. I'm sure she'll be flattered. Really? Yeah, sure.

Hey, if there weren't a few years between us, I could go for you myself.

I know a cryogenic lab that can freeze you until I catch up.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm freezing myself for someone else.

Rosie!

out in world geography?

Yeah, but I've been called in to do a guest spot in earth science.

What the hell is earth science?

Um, it's the homework we always fight over. Oh, no, no. That's geometry.

No, geometry is the one where we make each other cry and daddy has to separate

us. Oh, right.

So where do I go?

Actually, I think it's right up those stairs and then... What's that in your

belly button?

Lint?

You pierced your belly button. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

I don't believe it. That damn damn TV.

What's next?

Tattoos? Shoplifting?

Chewing tobacco?

Oh, not here, please, Mom.

Yes, here.

You've mutilated your body.

Well, you have pierced ears. This is not how you talk to your mother. Oh, my

God. This is exactly why Eminem's mother is suing.

And this is exactly why I threw away the stupid volunteer notice in the first

place. What?

What did you say?

I have to get to class. Come on, Stacy.

Don't you walk away from me, young lady.

They never do. They're programmed for birth.

Now, what you have to do is pretend you don't care, show him you're better off,

and then he'll come crawling back.

Wow. You sure do know a lot about relationships.

You must have, like, a million boyfriends.

Yes, sweetie, I do.

Honey, why are you still in here? I am saving these girls from a lifetime of

false expectations.

Plus, I look great in this mirror.

Boy, this has been a swell day.

What happened?

Well, Rose pierced her belly button, and she hates me. And if that's not bad

enough, on the way in here, I could have sworn that Olivia Newton -John gave me

the finger.

I mean, I could take her, right? If it came to that. Oh, yeah.

Let's just hope it doesn't come to that.

Hi, are you Connie?

Daisy told me I should come talk to you.

My boyfriend wrote me this note. I think it means he wants to see other people.

Oh, let me take a look at this.

Okay, I've got work to do here.

I've got to go straighten things out with Rose before this gets out of hand.

Listen, if you can't get through to her, send her to me. I've got an opening

before 6 p .m. Okay.

Oh, Ed, there you are.

I've been thinking about the orangutan, and you're right. It's too much, so I'm

changing it to a St. Bernard.

Mr. McNally, I really have got to get back to that geography class. Straight

Drug dealers have cornered the gruffle janitor. When suddenly you and Barkey

step out, armed only with your wits and a Louisville flugger, then you say...

Let me guess.

Recess is over.

Oh, that's good.

That's really good.

Mr. McNally, I have to be honest with you. I'm not good enough for this role.

Really? No, really, really. It's all wrong for me.

Oh, that was my first thought.

You can get pretty hammy sometimes.

Hammy?

Finally, come on, princess, let's go.

Period's almost over.

My lawyer is waiting for me in the teacher's lounge.

I found out that two -timing S .O .B. is trying to take the house.

Can't he just move in with your sister?

She seems very accommodating.

Felicia, she always had to have everything I had.

And I'm sure he won't get the house. Damn right he won't, because I'll burn

to the ground before he gets it. I swear to God, I will.

I don't want to upset the kids.

Have him read these handouts. Okay.

Okay, guys.

You heard what Mrs. Flynn wants.

And at this point in time, I don't think it's a good idea to tick her off.

So, here we go. Here's these passouts.

I have to talk to you for a second.

Everybody's looking.

Okay, everybody, put your heads down on your desk. It's nap time.

Here.

All right, young lady.

What's going on with you today, young lady? Me?

You're the one who had to come over here and ruin everything.

What did I do?

Excuse me.

You're not fighting over me, right?

I thought humor might ease the tension.

Anyway, my spider senses tell me this would be the perfect opportunity to

you to the winter snowfall.

Your mom told me you'd be interested.

I didn't want you to stay home alone on a Saturday.

I can't, Connie.

Rose!

Okay, come on, let's try it again.

I'd really rather not. Okay, come on, one more time.

Now I'm going to teach you the three R's.

Reading, writing, and kicking R's.

You haven't listened to one note I've given you, have you?

You're really starting to make me uncomfortable.

Well, if you'd get it right.

Allie, please report to the cafeteria. Three students have taken ill.

Why do they keep having taco Tuesday?

Don't use that script. It's the only one I have.

Okay.

Hack.

Olivia, hi.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

Well, she's just being impossible today. I don't know how to get through to her.

Teenagers, huh?

They just have to hate their moms, right?

Mom!

Chloe! I'm so glad that you're here.

Come on, why don't you walk me to my next class? I'd love that.

Have you seen Rose?

No, no. Sue Ann and I were just heading for the cafeteria.

Poor thing. She eats alone every day.

I'm counting backwards from five.

Five, four, three... Mom, we're alone in here. Don't you want to

wait for a bigger audience?

Why are you talking to me like that? I didn't pierce your belly button.

You bet I did. And wait till you start dating. You ain't seen nothing yet.

Why can't you just be like other moms? Because I'm a diva.

We're a different breed.

Why don't you call Diana Ross' kids up and see if they're happy?

Mom.

Rose, the day you were born, I got it.

For the next 17 years, my life was going to be all about preparing you to live

your life.

I want you to love yourself as much as I love you. But you cannot grow, you

can't blossom, unless you have a little help.

So you're like plant food.

I'm like a big old sack of fertilizer.

Hey, Mom, what are you going to do when I go away to college?

Oh, sweetheart.

I'm going to go with you.

This is my home phone, this is my cell phone, and if that Angela Matucci starts

in on you again, call me.

Connie, you're getting way too involved in these girls' lives.

Oh, no, I'm not.

Can we be at the party Friday night, Connie?

Well, hey, I'm bringing the Fritos.

Shut up, they think I'm cool.

Bye, Connie.

It was great seeing you. Bye -bye, Olivia.

Bye, Olivia.

Okay,

John, what's your problem?

I'm going to be outside.

When we were both up for the part of Sandy in Grease, the day of my audition,

you locked me in the ladies' room and then called the INS to try and get me

deported.

I can't believe you remember that.

First of all, Sally Struthers talked me into doing that. In those days, she had

a lot of influence over me.

Secondly, it was the 70s. Everybody was doing stuff like that. But the point is,

you got the part and you were brilliant.

You really mean that? Yes, I really do. I'm so sorry.

Friends? Okay, great.

Oh, doesn't it feel good to put all this silliness behind us? It really does.

What do you say we grab a cup of coffee? Okay. Great, come on. We should take my

car. Why?

Because I slashed your tires.

Nobody but you.