Original subtitles

Okay, number 48.

Britney Spears.

Former Mouse De Pere. Oh, forget it. Good idea. Forget it.

All right, number 49.

Don't call Steve Austin.

A professional wrestler.

Okay, enough.

Enough. I can't keep doing this to myself. Exactly.

So, anyway. One more shot. Number 50.

Old Dirty Bastard.

My lawyer?

The rapper.

And that's it? Yes, that's it.

Oh, my God.

All right, kids, that's it. One more list I'm not on.

Did you know I wasn't hot?

I didn't know I wasn't hot.

I'm walking around town thinking I'm hot.

I mean, I mean, I sell my tickets, I make my concerts, I do my films. Who do

have to fax in this town to get on a list?

Sweetheart, you're taking this stuff much too hard. Exactly. I mean, these

are just full of Hollywood riffraff. Well, who's more riffraff than me?

You know what the problem is?

There's too many celebrities nowadays.

You know, in the old days, there were three celebrities. There was me, Liza,

the fat kid from that show.

What show?

I don't know, but he was very big for a while.

All of a sudden, celebrities, wall to wall, they're popping up like mushrooms.

The Judds have three spots on that list. There ought to be a limit, one to a

household.

What?

What? I was just thinking about that fat kid show.

Not locked up in the butter truck.

Oh, whatever happened to him?

Exactly. And I'm next.

You know whose fault this is?

That damn publicist of mine.

I mean, what am I paying him for? Anyway, all he does, he books me on a

of talk shows, he sits in the green room, and he eats all the cheese.

Very charming. Yeah, he is.

What, are you dating him or something? Yes.

No wonder he doesn't have any time for me.

Look, the next time the three of you are taking a drive up the coast, tell him

he's fired. Well, you can tell him. You tell him. You can tell him.

I need to get somebody new, somebody fresh, someone who can get me on a list.

Like who?

Well, I don't know, but it's either that or take a professional wrestler.

Come on, Oscar.

Let's see if I can body slam you.

Forever it's nobody else but nobody else but.

Each time I feel I'm out to bask her.

Who always makes me feel brand new.

I'm letting my allegiance, baby, to nobody else but you.

Who's Kate Hudson?

Goldie's daughter.

Little Katie Hudson?

So people whose diapers I've changed are hotter than me?

Give me that. Give me that.

Oh, well, Connie, you know how fickle the public is. I don't want to just fade

into obscurity like, what's her name?

A woman's only got so many years in this business, and I've been on this train a

good long run, and I'm worried the world's looking at my caboose.

Well, nobody wants that.

I sure hope not, because I got news for you. I ain't going gently. I got news

for you. That ain't news.

Honey, get the door. All right. Oh, no, wait. Are you sure this girl's any good?

She is the hottest PR person in the business. How hot? She's number 12 on

list. Number 12? Yeah. Hell, I'll get the door myself.

Hi, I'm Beth.

Nadine Starnoff.

I just say what a pleasure it is to finally meet you. Of course you may.

come in.

Hi, Connie Randolph, best manager. A treat.

Oh, my God, this place is exquisite. You don't mind if I smoke in it, do you?

Actually, I'd rather you didn't. You're right, it's a filthy habit.

Where'd she go? I don't know.

Hey, here's what I'm thinking.

Of all the actors slash singers slash legends in your age group, You are by

the most wonderful flesh dynamic flesh exciting in the business today.

Nadine, are you kissing my ass here?

Not at all. No, no, she likes that.

Since we're going to be working together, let's really get to know each

Tell me about your life. Who's the you behind the you?

Well, I'm a wife and mother.

I've been married 15 years.

We have a beautiful daughter named Rose.

So all in all, you're saying things are pretty good.

She's too happy. Her life, it's too stable. I gotta say, you're not giving

lot to work with here.

You wait here. If she comes back, grab her.

If you want to reignite your career, I see two clear options.

Okay, fire away.

Option A, we get you a couple of unglamorous roles in some very small,

artsy, independent films, and then you lay low.

How low?

Disappear completely, leave the country.

Create a demand.

People will clamor. Where's Bette? In three to five years, I guarantee you'll

back on the A -list.

Three to five years?

Why, by that time, I'll be still 40.

Never mind.

What's option B?

Scandal. Scandal?

Look at this list.

Charlie Sheen, caught with hookers to his own TV series.

Martin Lawrence, danced in traffic with a gun to biggest movie of the summer.

Anne Heche, occasional lesbian wandering in the desert to three -picture deal.

What lesson have we learned from this?

Ellen's better off.

People love a comeback.

And there's nothing better to come back from than a scandal.

Well, couldn't I just get a disease or something? You could, but I gotta tell

you, all the good ribbon colors are taken.

Where did you get a gal, pal?

Don't look at me.

Oh, oh, oh, I have it. I have it. How about I have a love child?

That'd be a scandal, right? No, that'd be a miracle.

we could do something with your mental stability.

Well, I think you're onto something there.

You mean like a nervous breakdown?

Good, good. I can run with that. No, no, really. Don't you think it's a

little... No, yeah, I think... Oh, listen, girls, I understand. Let's just

it safe.

I'll book you on Leno, run your potato salad recipe in McCall's, and get you a

nice weekly spot on QVC.

Well, that doesn't sound so hot.

Bet you can't be a player unless you get into the game.

What do you think? Up to you.

You have a twin?

little nervous breakdown.

And then it's one night in the celebrity suite at a private hospital. We hold an

elegant press conference the next day and announce that you are just suffering

from dehydration.

Oh, it's well that ends well.

That's it?

That and every magazine in the country telling the story of your heroic

struggle.

Let's get crazy.

I'll start making the arrangements right away.

I'm really jazzed about it.

I need a cigarette.

Is she coming back?

I don't know.

It's a one -night stay in a private hospital.

I'll be back the day after tomorrow.

You're insane.

No, see?

Everybody thinks I'm insane, but the twist is I'm actually dehydrated. I'm

telling you, Nadine is a genius.

No, Einstein is a genius.

Nadine is a scary emphysemic flack.

Well, I tell you, I think it's a fabulous idea.

Just think of it as me going on location.

Rose is on that outward -bound school trip. You can have the whole house to

yourself. To do what?

Oh, you know, whatever it is you do. Walk around in your boxers and eat

licorice.

That's what you do.

You do realize that you and your people live in a completely alternate universe.

What people?

Jews?

No, Hollywood.

I can't believe that you're buying into this garbage.

You're becoming a cog in their machine.

This whole list idea is just a way to hawk a couple of million magazines, and

you bow down like it's the golden calf.

Honey, you're so sexy when you get biblical.

Honey... Nobody remembers the people on the list five minutes after they come

out. Well, at least they get to be forgotten. I mean, I'm not even on the

That means they've already forgotten to forget me.

Why do you need so much love?

Don't I give you enough?

Oh, honey, of course not.

I mean, you give me plenty, but there's just something about a total stranger

walking up to me and saying, I love you, that keeps a girl going.

You wouldn't want to have to fill that void all by yourself for the next 30

years.

30 years.

You know, if you really think about it, this was all really your idea.

Okay, I can't wait to hear this one. Well, remember that astronomy book you

me? The one that said that a star is really nothing but a big, swirling ball

gas? Mm -hmm. Well, if that's all I am, then all I have to look forward to is

either flaming out or imploding into a black hole where all I get offered is an

occasional Lifetime movie.

You know what?

I was wrong.

I'll drive you to the hospital myself.

Oh, boy, this is going to be so great. In 36 hours, I'll be rehydrated, back on

top, and no one the wiser.

You know, frankly, I don't see what's wrong with this whole gal pal idea.

Maybe for your birthday.

Okay, Nadine, we're on our way. I'll call you the minute she checks in.

All righty. The hospital has been alerted. The anonymous tips to the

have been phoned in. We are all systems go.

You didn't tell Oscar anything, did you? No. Good.

Because he can't keep a secret to save his life.

Remember that time he blabbed about your hemorrhoids?

My hemorrhoids? Shh.

Don't distract me.

What are you doing?

I'm practicing my breakdown phase.

I buy it.

Oh, can I have a piece?

No, my last one, honey. Sorry.

Oh, darling, I'm sorry. Yeah,

that'll work.

How's my makeup?

You don't look distraught enough to me. Really?

Okay.

What do you think?

Well, better. But, you know, it still needs something.

Just prop me up like I can't quite make it on my own. Ooh, ooh, nice idea. Very

nice idea. Here we go. Here we go. Hey, hey, where's your bra?

If you're emotionally unstable, don't wear bras.

If I were sane, do you think I'd let these cheaches be swinging a cappella?

Okay.

Here we go. Here we go.

All right, give her room, please.

Give her room. No pictures.

No pictures.

No, no. Did you love the car? No, did you?

All right.

Oh,

no, Roy, honey, I'm fine.

I had a wonderful night.

I'll be home in a few hours.

Did anybody call?

Did you tell them I was mentally unstable?

Oh, you're an angel. I love you.

Bye -bye. Good morning.

Oh, Connie, the food in this hospital is fabulous.

We have to eat here more often. Well, I'll grab a menu on my way out.

So, what's the schedule?

You check out of here at 10, press conference is back at your house at 11.

you see Entertainment Tonight? When Mary Hart broke my story, she actually had

tears in her eyes.

I always liked her.

You would not believe the number of phone calls I got last night. Every

in town wants to dress you for your nervous breakdown.

Oh, show me the swag.

We have Moschino.

nervous breakdown from that, do you? Well, I guess not. All right.

So, Gaultier.

That's more of a ladies' room crying jag. Yeah.

And Armani.

Oh, good. I like that.

Oh, I hope this is one of a kind. A month from now, I don't want to see Faye

Dunaway holding up a 7 -Eleven in that.

And to accessorize my pretty.

Oh, you poor thing I've just heard. How are you?

Oh, Oscar, I'm fine.

Oh, she's so brave.

Darling, listen, listen. There's nothing to be ashamed of, all right? We've all

been expecting this for years.

And quite frankly, I'm surprised you managed to hold up this long.

Oh, no, Oscar, really, I'm swell. I just concocted this little psychotic episode

so I could reclaim my rightful position in the Hollywood pantheon.

I'm probably eight now.

Surely she should be in restraint.

Just put the flowers in a vase. That's right.

Hi.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I just heard that you were here. My name's Rick. I'm a really big fan.

Thank you.

We have our first sale.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, if they need to do any electroshock therapy, I'd

be honored if I could put the bit in your mouth.

Well, let's hope he doesn't come to that, but good to have you on the team.

He seems nice.

You two have really got to get organized.

Oh, my. Is it a little warm in here? No, wait.

That's the heat coming off my favorite star.

Nadine, you can't smoke in here. It's a hospital.

You're right. It's a filthy habit.

I don't think we've met. I'm Oscar, Bette's musical director.

Nadine, Bette's publicist. Be a doll and get rid of that for me, would you,

honey?

What?

World's starting to converge on your house. I got AP. I got the trades.

I got us a weekly.

There'll be frenzy waiting for your triumphant return.

Great, great. Just let me get dressed. Connie will drive me home, and we'll be

all set. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You are driving yourself.

Ask me why.

Why? Because you are making a comeback. We need to show the world that you're

completely in control of your own life again.

Oh, that's good, that's good. I didn't see that coming. How much is this clam

bake costing me anyway?

Not a penny.

How'd that happen?

Corporate tie -in. I've laid out the dehydration angle. I got Arrowhead to

underwrite your comeback.

Just show up to the press conference with a full bottle of this, and they'll

pick up the whole tab.

Why? If I'd known I was being comped, I would have had my eyes done.

Sweetie, she's making this up?

Yes. But she's not really ill.

No. Right.

Okay.

Oh, Rick.

You can certainly put the bit in my mouth.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've just been informed that Bette is leaving the

as we speak, under her own steam, I might add. As it turns out, it was a

case of dehydration. Yes, and speaking of which, Bette has asked that we

distribute bottles of Arrowhead to you all so that you will not suffer the same

fate.

Arrowhead. It's not just for crazy people.

Well, tell me. What? That I was right out on my end, the way you described it,

he said. You'd be better off dead than alive. I didn't listen to his job.

I knew all along he was all wrong. And I knew that he thought I was crazy.

There goes my free ride.

Hello?

Connie, it's me. I had a little accident. accident. I have to stop and

myself off and pick up a brand new bottle of water. I'll be right there.

Are you all right?

Hang on. I'm picking up another conversation.

What? I hear voices.

I'm hearing voices. Don't you hear that?

Isn't it awful? Don't you hear those voices?

Oh, the poor thing.

I guess Mary Hart was right.

Oh, no, now they're gone. Oh, no, they're back.

Those voices, don't you hear them?

45 minutes.

I don't know, but I'm off the clock.

Where do you think you're going? I'm sorry. I got Whitney Houston smacking

mayor in half an hour.

Good luck.

Hey,

you.

Yeah, it's me.

What do you think you're doing?

Sorry, lady. We're just expressing ourselves.

You want to express yourself?

Get out of here, you lousy JDs.

$3 .50.

$3 .50? I hope that's the time.

You got the sports bottle.

Well, how much if I promise not to play sports?

$3 .50.

I don't like your attitude.

Listen, bub, the world is waiting at my house and I have to hold my water.

She's even worse than they said.

May I help you?

Easy, I don't want any trouble.

Hey, they're towing somebody's car.

Would any of you like to ask any questions about me?

Okay. How about impressions?

I do a pretty mean Mary Tyler Moore.

Oh, look, it's Beth's husband. Maybe he'd like to field a question or two.

Sir, would you categorize your wife's recent behavior as unusual in any way?

No, I'd say it's pretty much par for the course around here.

Have you talked to any therapists about this?

Twice a week for the last 15 years. Excuse me.

That's exactly the kind of humor that has kept this marriage together for 15

years. But seriously, folks, let me assure you, Bette is the picture of

health.

driving home when I hit a speed bump and wet myself.

So I put on my pen wire and ran in to plug myself in.

Then, between gutter snipes defiling my image and this Napoleon at the mini

-mart trying to gouge me for something I could have lifted off my blouse for

free, well, I didn't know which end was up.

Then when my car drove off without me and I had to walk the streets, the cops

tried to arrest me for pinching a bottle.

But as you can see,

Good to see you.

Okay, any questions?

Nadine, you're sure? It's confirmed.

Well, that's great.

You are the best.

Right. Well, honey, you did it.

I'm on the list?

Yes, you are. What number is she? Number one.

What list was it?