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1
00:00:04,640 --> 00:00:06,140
Enter. You wanted to see me, Cap?
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00:00:06,940 --> 00:00:07,940
Yes, I did, Commander.
3
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:12,900
Wipe that smirk off your face, pretty
boy.
4
00:00:14,200 --> 00:00:17,120
I guess you're feeling mighty proud of
yourself, aren't you?
5
00:00:17,540 --> 00:00:20,900
Launching an unauthorized air attack on
that Libyan chemical plant?
6
00:00:21,220 --> 00:00:22,940
Under your orders, ma 'am. Yes.
7
00:00:23,180 --> 00:00:26,740
Well, that's just your word against
mine, isn't it, blue -eyed?
8
00:00:27,040 --> 00:00:28,480
You're grounded, hotshot!
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00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:29,940
But... But!
10
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The only but you should worry about is
yours.
11
00:00:33,480 --> 00:00:34,680
At the court -martial.
12
00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:41,520
Dismissed! You're crazy, Captain. I
won't let you get away with this.
13
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:42,780
You and what army?
14
00:00:48,180 --> 00:00:54,040
And the award for Outstanding Guest
Actress in a Television Series goes
15
00:01:03,210 --> 00:01:09,930
my heart and soul forever it's nobody
else but nobody else but each
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00:01:09,930 --> 00:01:16,310
time i feel i'm out to pasture who
always makes me feel brand new
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00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:22,450
i'm pledging my allegiance baby to
nobody but you
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00:01:55,950 --> 00:02:02,590
the Jag Riders, the fabulous Jag cast
and crew, and my favorite Jag of all,
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00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:09,810
Elliot, Elliot David James, my rock, my
co -star, my best friend. Oh, Elliot,
20
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:10,930
I'll never forget you.
21
00:02:11,190 --> 00:02:12,190
Oh, my God.
22
00:02:12,450 --> 00:02:13,630
Are you okay, honey?
23
00:02:14,190 --> 00:02:15,590
Yeah, I'm fine.
24
00:02:15,950 --> 00:02:16,970
Am I bleeding?
25
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Gee, now I've lost my place. Okay, okay.
26
00:02:21,650 --> 00:02:23,890
To my daughter, my joy.
27
00:02:24,540 --> 00:02:26,980
My best friend, Rose.
28
00:02:28,220 --> 00:02:30,180
Tell Angoli I said you could stay up
till 11.
29
00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:31,720
Okay, okay, okay.
30
00:02:32,140 --> 00:02:36,840
Special thanks to my manager, my
partner, my best friend, Connie
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We did it, Mookie!
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To my musical director, the man who
wrote that little song that we worked
33
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the court -martial scene.
34
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:04,500
I'd like to take a moment, just a
moment, to dedicate this award to all
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00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:07,440
courageous, gallant military women who
came before me.
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00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:14,860
Specifically, that lesbian one, played
by Glenn Close, and G .I.
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Jane, played by Demi Moore.
38
00:03:18,180 --> 00:03:20,380
And, well,
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you all know who you are.
40
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:27,840
Ladies, I just want you to know from the
bottom of my heart, I salute you.
41
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:42,700
Yeah, but poor Chloe, sweetie, don't
beat yourself up.
42
00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,100
Roy, did I thank you?
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00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:51,220
What? Tonight, in my speech, did I thank
you?
44
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Yes.
45
00:03:53,560 --> 00:03:57,020
When? I don't know. Somewhere between
Mookie and the salute.
46
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Was that too much or was it cute?
47
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:02,960
It was cute, right? Or too much?
48
00:04:03,420 --> 00:04:04,420
I thought it was cute.
49
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,920
Oh. No, baby.
50
00:04:12,010 --> 00:04:13,030
I just want to check the tape.
51
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:23,630
Wow.
52
00:04:24,490 --> 00:04:25,490
What's that?
53
00:04:27,570 --> 00:04:29,350
Well, I know I set the timer.
54
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,410
Honey, what channel were the awards on?
55
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What the heck is this?
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Regis.
57
00:04:37,930 --> 00:04:39,390
When did he get a game show?
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00:04:41,830 --> 00:04:43,210
Well, this is never going to catch on.
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00:04:45,010 --> 00:04:46,050
C, Paris.
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00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:48,850
I just want 100 bucks.
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00:04:50,430 --> 00:04:52,610
Go for 200. You're steep in trivia.
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00:04:52,890 --> 00:04:53,869
Thank you, honey.
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00:04:53,870 --> 00:04:58,730
Oh, fair. You see that? I thanked you
without even thinking about it. See,
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that's how I am. There's nothing more
important to me than B, octopussy.
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00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:15,900
me. It doesn't matter. Good night.
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Oh, my goodness.
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I didn't, did I?
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Oh, honey, I'm so terribly sorry.
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00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:27,680
How could I have been so thoughtless?
It's okay.
70
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:29,280
No, it's not okay.
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00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:31,900
I wouldn't have been up on that stage if
it weren't for you.
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00:05:32,100 --> 00:05:36,240
I wouldn't be me if it weren't for you.
Do you know how much I love you?
73
00:05:36,860 --> 00:05:37,860
You know what?
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That's thanks enough for me.
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00:05:39,780 --> 00:05:40,840
Oh, Roy.
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00:05:41,610 --> 00:05:44,770
Look, you had a lot of things on your
mind. Oh, stop yelling at me.
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I'm not yelling at you.
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Well, maybe you should yell at me.
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00:05:50,810 --> 00:05:53,570
Oh, my goodness. I am so embarrassed.
80
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How can I make this up to you?
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You can let me go back to sleep.
82
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Roy, if only it were that simple.
83
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:03,730
Could I bend?
84
00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:05,750
Roy.
85
00:06:06,390 --> 00:06:07,550
Roy. What?
86
00:06:07,950 --> 00:06:10,110
Which of these eye infections is not
contagious?
87
00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:20,840
Is Rose still at home?
88
00:06:21,100 --> 00:06:25,960
Because I went out and I bought her this
new Ricky Martin fan bean.
89
00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:27,800
Oh, no, she just left for school.
90
00:06:28,060 --> 00:06:29,060
Oh.
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00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:50,600
a gift and just broke into my kitchen.
92
00:06:52,320 --> 00:06:53,320
Morning, Braveheart.
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Morning.
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00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,000
Oh, Oscar, can this guy kiss or what?
95
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Oscar.
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00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:07,460
Sit down, I'll make you some breakfast.
97
00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,380
No, I'm okay. No, no, sit, sit, sit,
sit, sit. It's the least I can do.
98
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,020
How about some of my famous homemade
waffles?
99
00:07:13,660 --> 00:07:14,660
Fine.
100
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:52,300
certainly don't need it. Look at you.
101
00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:56,500
Okay, honey, stop it. Connie, I'm
telling you, you should see this guy
102
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Okay.
103
00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,300
Oscar, doesn't he have a great body?
104
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Go on, tell him.
105
00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:05,140
Um, yeah, nice ass, Roy.
106
00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:08,320
Okay.
107
00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:09,840
I get it.
108
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:10,960
Get what?
109
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:12,640
You're still mad at me.
110
00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:15,460
And all because of this stupid me.
111
00:08:25,930 --> 00:08:27,170
I wasn't mad last night.
112
00:08:27,670 --> 00:08:31,310
I wasn't mad this morning. But if it'll
make you feel any better, you're really
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starting to get on my nerves, okay?
114
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Okay.
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Pardon.
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Oh, Monty.
117
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What am I going to do?
118
00:08:47,450 --> 00:08:54,410
And this is consistent with the fact...
119
00:08:54,430 --> 00:08:58,230
that ancient civilizations sought to
immortalize themselves in the
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00:08:58,230 --> 00:08:59,370
of God and man.
121
00:08:59,650 --> 00:09:02,570
Now... Ronnie, are you in here?
122
00:09:03,030 --> 00:09:04,470
What? Yeah.
123
00:09:05,050 --> 00:09:07,530
You left without any breakfast, so I
rustled you up some lunch.
124
00:09:08,730 --> 00:09:10,290
Only for the love of peace.
125
00:09:10,570 --> 00:09:12,350
If you don't eat it, the Sphinx will.
126
00:09:14,290 --> 00:09:15,750
I bet.
127
00:09:16,030 --> 00:09:17,470
It's okay, honey. I'll wait.
128
00:09:19,730 --> 00:09:25,400
Okay. The classic example of... I loved
you in first... Thank you.
129
00:09:25,860 --> 00:09:26,739
What's your name?
130
00:09:26,740 --> 00:09:29,320
Laurie. Oh, Laurie, aren't you pretty?
131
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:31,560
Come on, Chip.
132
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:33,860
Okay, come on, let's go.
133
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,020
It wasn't me. It was Laurie.
134
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:38,260
I think she's high.
135
00:09:39,660 --> 00:09:40,499
Okay, look.
136
00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:44,320
Whatever you're doing, whatever you're
going through, leave me out of it. I'm
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00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,900
done. Do we understand each other?
138
00:09:46,380 --> 00:09:47,380
Perfectly.
139
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:51,880
Okay.
140
00:09:52,160 --> 00:09:53,160
Where were we?
141
00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:40,840
Don't you get any Snapple? You always
walk to step B.
142
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,540
One thing I can do to save this
marriage.
143
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:18,619
Yes, what's that?
144
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,000
I've got to win me another award.
145
00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:23,460
Pronto. Good, because I'm not getting
into that bear suit again.
146
00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,140
Thank you.
147
00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:37,320
Holy moly. It's a Tinseltown crap fest
in here.
148
00:12:39,520 --> 00:12:41,380
Who is this guy, anyway?
149
00:12:41,580 --> 00:12:44,660
I'm telling you, you need an award. This
is your guy.
150
00:12:45,130 --> 00:12:48,710
on the street is he can fix you up with
anything. Well, okay, Mookie, just
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00:12:48,710 --> 00:12:50,330
remember my marriage is in your hands.
152
00:12:50,710 --> 00:12:51,710
All right.
153
00:12:52,110 --> 00:12:53,330
That's it. Who's Mookie?
154
00:12:53,830 --> 00:12:54,830
You're Mookie.
155
00:12:54,870 --> 00:12:55,870
Since when?
156
00:12:56,090 --> 00:12:59,630
I don't know. I was standing in the post
office the other day and I said to
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00:12:59,630 --> 00:13:01,370
myself, I think I'm going to call Connie
Mookie.
158
00:13:03,430 --> 00:13:04,430
Don't you think that's fun?
159
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:05,650
No. Me too.
160
00:13:06,650 --> 00:13:09,010
Come on now, you think up a cute name
for me. No.
161
00:13:09,370 --> 00:13:10,289
Come on.
162
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,290
Spike.
163
00:13:14,190 --> 00:13:19,730
Sorry to keep you waiting. Can I just
say I am a big fan of your work. Thank
164
00:13:19,730 --> 00:13:20,750
you. What's your name?
165
00:13:20,970 --> 00:13:23,390
Ted. Thank you, Ted. Well, aren't you
pretty?
166
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,030
Let's cut to the chase.
167
00:13:26,230 --> 00:13:29,370
Exactly what kind of award are you
looking for?
168
00:13:29,630 --> 00:13:31,310
Anything where I get to make a thank you
speech.
169
00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:37,150
I got humanitarian. I got entertainment.
I even got one for best pie.
170
00:13:37,910 --> 00:13:40,070
Let's narrow it down. Are you bilingual?
171
00:13:40,690 --> 00:13:41,990
Just one time in college.
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00:13:49,420 --> 00:13:50,420
one time in college.
173
00:13:51,820 --> 00:13:54,080
How do you feel about Britney Spears?
174
00:13:54,840 --> 00:13:55,840
Man,
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00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:58,980
I can't give that one away.
176
00:14:01,180 --> 00:14:02,940
Okay, here we go.
177
00:14:03,400 --> 00:14:09,220
You're in luck. It seems the AFI is
looking for a woman of the year.
178
00:14:09,460 --> 00:14:10,460
This year?
179
00:14:10,780 --> 00:14:11,780
It's Thursday.
180
00:14:12,260 --> 00:14:13,600
The AFI?
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00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:14,820
Smell me.
182
00:14:20,170 --> 00:14:22,870
got to do is show up. I like them on.
183
00:14:25,350 --> 00:14:29,650
Let's do it. Great. Well, let me work my
magic and the limo will pick you up
184
00:14:29,650 --> 00:14:30,650
Thursday at 8.
185
00:14:31,330 --> 00:14:34,790
Can I get one of those little TVs in the
limo? I don't want to miss Regis.
186
00:14:36,110 --> 00:14:38,150
You're the woman of the year. Who's
going to say no?
187
00:14:38,390 --> 00:14:39,890
Okay. Thank you, Ted.
188
00:14:40,250 --> 00:14:41,270
You're very good.
189
00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:45,910
Any chance you could get me an Oscar?
190
00:14:47,050 --> 00:14:48,130
I'm not that good.
191
00:14:59,140 --> 00:15:01,640
I'm just going to go put my knockers in
the freezer for a second.
192
00:15:02,820 --> 00:15:03,980
I love that.
193
00:15:07,680 --> 00:15:08,740
Why are we doing this again?
194
00:15:09,380 --> 00:15:11,780
Because you married her and she's hidden
my passport.
195
00:15:14,340 --> 00:15:15,340
Hey, Mookie.
196
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:16,640
Yeah, yeah.
197
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:18,719
Where is she?
198
00:15:18,720 --> 00:15:21,140
Oh, she's... Oh, please don't make me
say it.
199
00:15:22,140 --> 00:15:23,140
Okay.
200
00:15:23,260 --> 00:15:24,260
Little problem.
201
00:15:24,460 --> 00:15:27,620
What, something terrible? Yes. What
about me? No. Go on. Okay.
202
00:15:29,130 --> 00:15:34,490
All right, well, you know, you know how
there are two Paul Simons? Singer and
203
00:15:34,490 --> 00:15:38,630
the Senator, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And there
are two Linda Carters. Wonder Woman and
204
00:15:38,630 --> 00:15:39,630
your eye doctor, yes.
205
00:15:40,390 --> 00:15:41,830
Well, go figure.
206
00:15:42,050 --> 00:15:43,210
There are two AFIs.
207
00:15:44,430 --> 00:15:50,270
The American Film Institute and...
The... Excuse me, what?
208
00:15:51,270 --> 00:15:56,050
No, I'm still not getting it. The
Airline Films Invitational. Okay.
209
00:15:57,580 --> 00:16:01,100
Exactly 45 minutes. Bette is being
honored for her lifetime contribution to
210
00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:02,100
-flight entertainment.
211
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,840
Don't worry, darling. I'm sure nobody's
going to blame you.
212
00:16:13,460 --> 00:16:14,700
Honey, the car's here. You ready?
213
00:16:15,400 --> 00:16:16,400
All set.
214
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:21,480
Well,
215
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:28,100
one thing you can say about Hollywood,
they... Certainly turn out one of their
216
00:16:28,100 --> 00:16:29,100
own.
217
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,260
Oh, isn't that the Osmonds?
218
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:36,880
Honey, remind me to get their autograph
for Rose.
219
00:16:37,260 --> 00:16:38,260
Teens love it.
220
00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,380
Oh, darling, dinner.
221
00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:49,440
What the hell is this?
222
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:51,580
It's Nouvelle Cuisine.
223
00:16:51,860 --> 00:16:53,320
Well, it looks like airplane food.
224
00:16:59,370 --> 00:17:00,189
to cut me off.
225
00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:02,750
I'm going to have a lot to say tonight.
Yes, I'm sure you will.
226
00:17:03,930 --> 00:17:06,250
Now, shh. I want to concentrate on my
speech.
227
00:17:06,710 --> 00:17:10,050
I'm going to open with a couple of
meaningful anecdotes, and then I'm going
228
00:17:10,050 --> 00:17:13,869
cry. And then I'm going to close with a
poem that I wrote especially for the
229
00:17:13,869 --> 00:17:15,210
occasion. And you know the best part?
230
00:17:15,970 --> 00:17:17,250
Everything rhymes with Rome.
231
00:17:22,270 --> 00:17:23,609
It's starting, it's starting. Here we
go.
232
00:17:24,810 --> 00:17:29,420
Ladies and gentlemen, live from the
airport Hilton, the... First annual AFI
233
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:30,460
Woman of the Year Award.
234
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,580
And now, please welcome your host.
235
00:17:34,780 --> 00:17:41,740
And that's why we're here. So, on with
the
236
00:17:41,740 --> 00:17:42,740
show.
237
00:17:46,540 --> 00:17:47,600
Hi, everybody.
238
00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:49,360
I'm George Spiegel.
239
00:17:50,120 --> 00:17:55,340
I had the privilege of working with
tonight's honoree in her motion picture,
240
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:56,340
the Boys.
241
00:17:56,620 --> 00:18:00,720
I'll never forget the first time we met.
She turned to me and she said, George,
242
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:02,160
you are my best friend.
243
00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:05,920
You don't often find that kind of
sincerity in this town.
244
00:18:06,640 --> 00:18:07,880
This is my night.
245
00:18:08,480 --> 00:18:11,960
Tonight belongs to a very special lady
out there.
246
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:15,820
And her story goes a little something
like this.
247
00:18:17,200 --> 00:18:18,920
It was the middle of the century.
248
00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:22,860
We liked Ike, loved Lucy, and fudge was
two cents a pound.
249
00:18:23,420 --> 00:18:26,460
and somewhere in Hawaii was a little toe
-headed girl with a dream.
250
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:31,260
Eighteen years later, she stepped off a
bus in New York City, where she made her
251
00:18:31,260 --> 00:18:35,320
way uptown to the Continental Baths, a
place where gay men would congregate in
252
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:39,760
towels and spend hours hugging each
other in anticipation of the divine Miss
253
00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:40,760
sold -out engagements.
254
00:18:41,740 --> 00:18:46,020
Hollywood soon beckoned, where she
starred in her first feature film, The
255
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,660
and it quickly established her as one of
Motion Picture's top stars.
256
00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:54,180
Following that hit, Beth's choice of
film project sent her career soaring to
257
00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:55,800
whole new altitude.
258
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:01,000
Just starting out, Cindy and I are on a
pretty tight budget.
259
00:19:01,260 --> 00:19:04,360
And that extra $4 for earphones isn't
always possible.
260
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:08,160
But when there's a bet movie playing on
the flight, which is pretty much every
261
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:10,860
time we travel, you almost don't need to
hear the dialogue.
262
00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:13,680
She makes so many faces.
263
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,240
Thanks, Beth.
264
00:19:19,180 --> 00:19:21,080
A few months ago, we were going to visit
my parents.
265
00:19:21,300 --> 00:19:23,240
I forbid they should get off their fat
asses and visit us.
266
00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:28,140
On the way to the airport, we noticed
that Drowning Mona had just opened at
267
00:19:28,140 --> 00:19:31,340
multiplex, and I thought, darn, we're
going to miss it. But wouldn't you know,
268
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,020
by the time we flew back, four days
later, it was our in -flight movie.
269
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:37,300
Thanks, Pastor.
270
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,720
Normally, we don't like Jews, but she's
kind of cute.
271
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:57,220
Being a straight man, I was never...
Shut up, I am so... I was never a big
272
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:58,099
of Beth's.
273
00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:01,900
But with my busy job and competitive
dance schedule, I don't get a chance to
274
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:05,200
a lot of movies on the ground. But up
here, she's always there for me.
275
00:20:05,560 --> 00:20:06,459
Thanks, Beth.
276
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:07,560
You go, girl.
277
00:20:07,980 --> 00:20:08,980
Shut up!
278
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,140
Well, looks like I've got a plane to
catch.
279
00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:20,420
I don't know what the movie's gonna be.
280
00:20:20,810 --> 00:20:23,750
But I got a pretty good idea who the
star is.
281
00:20:25,830 --> 00:20:30,170
Thanks, but you are the wind beneath our
wing.
282
00:20:36,390 --> 00:20:40,470
Ladies and gentlemen, the Airline Film
Invitational Woman of the Year. Come on
283
00:20:40,470 --> 00:20:41,470
up and get it.
284
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,160
Thanks, Roy.
285
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:21,040
Enter.
286
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,300
You wanted to see me, Cap?
287
00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:24,800
Yes, I did, Jag.
288
00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:26,080
Bet.
289
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:27,899
You know what?
290
00:21:27,900 --> 00:21:29,500
You called me Jag again.
291
00:21:30,670 --> 00:21:31,589
Isn't that your name?
292
00:21:31,590 --> 00:21:34,010
No. For the 500th time, no.
293
00:21:35,070 --> 00:21:36,710
Well, who's Jag then?
294
00:21:37,070 --> 00:21:38,790
How come I'm not doing the thing with
Jag?
295
00:21:39,010 --> 00:21:42,430
She ate all the Butterfingers out of my
trailer. Who let her in my trailer?
296
00:21:42,770 --> 00:21:44,190
Okay. Who's Jag?
297
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,670
Will someone just tell me who is Jag?
298
00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:48,190
Connie! Connie!
299
00:21:48,530 --> 00:21:49,650
Who the hell is Jag?
22543
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