Original subtitles

Enter. You wanted to see me, Cap?

Yes, I did, Commander.

Wipe that smirk off your face, pretty boy.

I guess you're feeling mighty proud of yourself, aren't you?

Launching an unauthorized air attack on that Libyan chemical plant?

Under your orders, ma 'am. Yes.

Well, that's just your word against mine, isn't it, blue -eyed?

You're grounded, hotshot!

But... But!

The only but you should worry about is yours.

At the court -martial.

Dismissed! You're crazy, Captain. I won't let you get away with this.

You and what army?

And the award for Outstanding Guest Actress in a Television Series goes

my heart and soul forever it's nobody else but nobody else but each

time i feel i'm out to pasture who always makes me feel brand new

i'm pledging my allegiance baby to nobody but you

the Jag Riders, the fabulous Jag cast and crew, and my favorite Jag of all,

Elliot, Elliot David James, my rock, my co -star, my best friend. Oh, Elliot,

I'll never forget you.

Oh, my God.

Are you okay, honey?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Am I bleeding?

Gee, now I've lost my place. Okay, okay.

To my daughter, my joy.

My best friend, Rose.

Tell Angoli I said you could stay up till 11.

Okay, okay, okay.

Special thanks to my manager, my partner, my best friend, Connie

We did it, Mookie!

To my musical director, the man who wrote that little song that we worked

the court -martial scene.

I'd like to take a moment, just a moment, to dedicate this award to all

courageous, gallant military women who came before me.

Specifically, that lesbian one, played by Glenn Close, and G .I.

Jane, played by Demi Moore.

And, well,

you all know who you are.

Ladies, I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart, I salute you.

Yeah, but poor Chloe, sweetie, don't beat yourself up.

Roy, did I thank you?

What? Tonight, in my speech, did I thank you?

Yes.

When? I don't know. Somewhere between Mookie and the salute.

Was that too much or was it cute?

It was cute, right? Or too much?

I thought it was cute.

Oh. No, baby.

I just want to check the tape.

Wow.

What's that?

Well, I know I set the timer.

Honey, what channel were the awards on?

What the heck is this?

Regis.

When did he get a game show?

Well, this is never going to catch on.

C, Paris.

I just want 100 bucks.

Go for 200. You're steep in trivia.

Thank you, honey.

Oh, fair. You see that? I thanked you without even thinking about it. See,

that's how I am. There's nothing more important to me than B, octopussy.

me. It doesn't matter. Good night.

Oh, my goodness.

I didn't, did I?

Oh, honey, I'm so terribly sorry.

How could I have been so thoughtless? It's okay.

No, it's not okay.

I wouldn't have been up on that stage if it weren't for you.

I wouldn't be me if it weren't for you. Do you know how much I love you?

You know what?

That's thanks enough for me.

Oh, Roy.

Look, you had a lot of things on your mind. Oh, stop yelling at me.

I'm not yelling at you.

Well, maybe you should yell at me.

Oh, my goodness. I am so embarrassed.

How can I make this up to you?

You can let me go back to sleep.

Roy, if only it were that simple.

Could I bend?

Roy.

Roy. What?

Which of these eye infections is not contagious?

Is Rose still at home?

Because I went out and I bought her this new Ricky Martin fan bean.

Oh, no, she just left for school.

Oh.

a gift and just broke into my kitchen.

Morning, Braveheart.

Morning.

Oh, Oscar, can this guy kiss or what?

Oscar.

Sit down, I'll make you some breakfast.

No, I'm okay. No, no, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit. It's the least I can do.

How about some of my famous homemade waffles?

Fine.

certainly don't need it. Look at you.

Okay, honey, stop it. Connie, I'm telling you, you should see this guy

Okay.

Oscar, doesn't he have a great body?

Go on, tell him.

Um, yeah, nice ass, Roy.

Okay.

I get it.

Get what?

You're still mad at me.

And all because of this stupid me.

I wasn't mad last night.

I wasn't mad this morning. But if it'll make you feel any better, you're really

starting to get on my nerves, okay?

Okay.

Pardon.

Oh, Monty.

What am I going to do?

And this is consistent with the fact...

that ancient civilizations sought to immortalize themselves in the

of God and man.

Now... Ronnie, are you in here?

What? Yeah.

You left without any breakfast, so I rustled you up some lunch.

Only for the love of peace.

If you don't eat it, the Sphinx will.

I bet.

It's okay, honey. I'll wait.

Okay. The classic example of... I loved you in first... Thank you.

What's your name?

Laurie. Oh, Laurie, aren't you pretty?

Come on, Chip.

Okay, come on, let's go.

It wasn't me. It was Laurie.

I think she's high.

Okay, look.

Whatever you're doing, whatever you're going through, leave me out of it. I'm

done. Do we understand each other?

Perfectly.

Okay.

Where were we?

Don't you get any Snapple? You always walk to step B.

One thing I can do to save this marriage.

Yes, what's that?

I've got to win me another award.

Pronto. Good, because I'm not getting into that bear suit again.

Thank you.

Holy moly. It's a Tinseltown crap fest in here.

Who is this guy, anyway?

I'm telling you, you need an award. This is your guy.

on the street is he can fix you up with anything. Well, okay, Mookie, just

remember my marriage is in your hands.

All right.

That's it. Who's Mookie?

You're Mookie.

Since when?

I don't know. I was standing in the post office the other day and I said to

myself, I think I'm going to call Connie Mookie.

Don't you think that's fun?

No. Me too.

Come on now, you think up a cute name for me. No.

Come on.

Spike.

Sorry to keep you waiting. Can I just say I am a big fan of your work. Thank

you. What's your name?

Ted. Thank you, Ted. Well, aren't you pretty?

Let's cut to the chase.

Exactly what kind of award are you looking for?

Anything where I get to make a thank you speech.

I got humanitarian. I got entertainment. I even got one for best pie.

Let's narrow it down. Are you bilingual?

Just one time in college.

one time in college.

How do you feel about Britney Spears?

Man,

I can't give that one away.

Okay, here we go.

You're in luck. It seems the AFI is looking for a woman of the year.

This year?

It's Thursday.

The AFI?

Smell me.

got to do is show up. I like them on.

Let's do it. Great. Well, let me work my magic and the limo will pick you up

Thursday at 8.

Can I get one of those little TVs in the limo? I don't want to miss Regis.

You're the woman of the year. Who's going to say no?

Okay. Thank you, Ted.

You're very good.

Any chance you could get me an Oscar?

I'm not that good.

I'm just going to go put my knockers in the freezer for a second.

I love that.

Why are we doing this again?

Because you married her and she's hidden my passport.

Hey, Mookie.

Yeah, yeah.

Where is she?

Oh, she's... Oh, please don't make me say it.

Okay.

Little problem.

What, something terrible? Yes. What about me? No. Go on. Okay.

All right, well, you know, you know how there are two Paul Simons? Singer and

the Senator, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And there are two Linda Carters. Wonder Woman and

your eye doctor, yes.

Well, go figure.

There are two AFIs.

The American Film Institute and... The... Excuse me, what?

No, I'm still not getting it. The Airline Films Invitational. Okay.

Exactly 45 minutes. Bette is being honored for her lifetime contribution to

-flight entertainment.

Don't worry, darling. I'm sure nobody's going to blame you.

Honey, the car's here. You ready?

All set.

Well,

one thing you can say about Hollywood, they... Certainly turn out one of their

own.

Oh, isn't that the Osmonds?

Honey, remind me to get their autograph for Rose.

Teens love it.

Oh, darling, dinner.

What the hell is this?

It's Nouvelle Cuisine.

Well, it looks like airplane food.

to cut me off.

I'm going to have a lot to say tonight. Yes, I'm sure you will.

Now, shh. I want to concentrate on my speech.

I'm going to open with a couple of meaningful anecdotes, and then I'm going

cry. And then I'm going to close with a poem that I wrote especially for the

occasion. And you know the best part?

Everything rhymes with Rome.

It's starting, it's starting. Here we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, live from the airport Hilton, the... First annual AFI

Woman of the Year Award.

And now, please welcome your host.

And that's why we're here. So, on with the

show.

Hi, everybody.

I'm George Spiegel.

I had the privilege of working with tonight's honoree in her motion picture,

the Boys.

I'll never forget the first time we met. She turned to me and she said, George,

you are my best friend.

You don't often find that kind of sincerity in this town.

This is my night.

Tonight belongs to a very special lady out there.

And her story goes a little something like this.

It was the middle of the century.

We liked Ike, loved Lucy, and fudge was two cents a pound.

and somewhere in Hawaii was a little toe -headed girl with a dream.

Eighteen years later, she stepped off a bus in New York City, where she made her

way uptown to the Continental Baths, a place where gay men would congregate in

towels and spend hours hugging each other in anticipation of the divine Miss

sold -out engagements.

Hollywood soon beckoned, where she starred in her first feature film, The

and it quickly established her as one of Motion Picture's top stars.

Following that hit, Beth's choice of film project sent her career soaring to

whole new altitude.

Just starting out, Cindy and I are on a pretty tight budget.

And that extra $4 for earphones isn't always possible.

But when there's a bet movie playing on the flight, which is pretty much every

time we travel, you almost don't need to hear the dialogue.

She makes so many faces.

Thanks, Beth.

A few months ago, we were going to visit my parents.

I forbid they should get off their fat asses and visit us.

On the way to the airport, we noticed that Drowning Mona had just opened at

multiplex, and I thought, darn, we're going to miss it. But wouldn't you know,

by the time we flew back, four days later, it was our in -flight movie.

Thanks, Pastor.

Normally, we don't like Jews, but she's kind of cute.

Being a straight man, I was never... Shut up, I am so... I was never a big

of Beth's.

But with my busy job and competitive dance schedule, I don't get a chance to

a lot of movies on the ground. But up here, she's always there for me.

Thanks, Beth.

You go, girl.

Shut up!

Well, looks like I've got a plane to catch.

I don't know what the movie's gonna be.

But I got a pretty good idea who the star is.

Thanks, but you are the wind beneath our wing.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Airline Film Invitational Woman of the Year. Come on

up and get it.

Thanks, Roy.

Enter.

You wanted to see me, Cap?

Yes, I did, Jag.

Bet.

You know what?

You called me Jag again.

Isn't that your name?

No. For the 500th time, no.

Well, who's Jag then?

How come I'm not doing the thing with Jag?

She ate all the Butterfingers out of my trailer. Who let her in my trailer?

Okay. Who's Jag?

Will someone just tell me who is Jag?

Connie! Connie!

Who the hell is Jag?