Original subtitles

Five minutes, everybody.

Okay, who's ready to put on a show?

Oh.

Oh, that's the spirit.

How could you do this to me?

Why did you book me here?

L .A., what were you thinking?

They're all out there. The biggest names in Hollywood with their knives drawn.

What if they hate me?

They're going to hate you.

Darling, they're going to love you.

Look at me.

My pants are too tight. My heels are too high. My ears are clogged. I can't hear

you. Your lips are moving.

Darling, do you want something to put on your stomach? Yes, I do.

Cheetos. No, no.

No, put that down. No, no, put it down. Honey, drop it.

Sweetheart, you've got three pork chops and a pineapple in the car. Just for

energy.

Break a leg, babe.

Oscar. What, what? Oscar. No, I have to go talk to the band. No, just do the

circle with me. What circle?

The free show circle of love and positivity.

All right, all right. All right.

Oh, dear Lord in heaven, bless me and my show.

Please let the emodium kick in before I make my entrance.

Please don't put any celebrities in the front row where I can feel their thinly

-veiled resentment.

Please let the band be sober.

And for God's sake, please let the show come down before Popeye's closes.

Amen? Yes. Amen.

Hey, Mom.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, you knew I'd be nervous when you came to support me. Come on, you'll be

great. Anyway, Herbie wants a picture with you. Herbie?

Oh, is this your date? Yeah.

Wow, gee, I can't tell you what an honor this is. I have all your albums. I've

seen all your movies.

Really, I'm your biggest fan. Oh, isn't that sweet?

He's gay.

Dad! Oh, what?

What did I say?

Okay, honey, what is it tonight?

Supremely overconfident or riddled with anxiety?

How did I get this far?

I have no talent.

Relax.

You're a pro.

You've been doing this for 30 years. 30 years?

I'm a relic.

I'm ancient.

You could teach me in one of your classes. You know what? You go right out

and you tell them I'm retiring. Tell them I'm drunk. Tell them I'm drunk.

can go to rehab and I can stage a great big comeback.

Except I don't want a comeback.

I want to quit.

Why won't you let me quit?

Fine, so quit.

You want me to quit?

How can I quit?

This is all I know. This is who I am. This is what I do.

You might as well ask the fish not to swim and the birds not to fly.

So don't quit.

I have no intention.

Good. Now go knock them dead.

Farewell. It is a good day to die.

Mayor wants to have his picture taken with you in a bag of garbage.

When did I become the queen of compost?

It was your idea.

Yeah, that's your excuse for all my ideas. Oh, young man.

Listen, do me a favor and go find my purse, would you? I think I still have a

fat burger in there. Yes, I think you do.

I'm not even going to try.

TV series. You're kidding.

Oh, that's fantastic.

Oh, my God, those shoes are fabulous.

My shoes?

Oh, they're fun.

Well,

anyway, I was going to call you because I thought it would be great if you did a

guest spot on my show.

Really? Yeah, yeah. There's a part in it that you're perfect for. Sounds

interesting. We'll talk. I'll sing your script tomorrow. And then we'll talk.

Then you do it. And then we'll talk. That's good. Okay, I told them all I had

do was ask you. You're my girl.

Pamela Lee, have you no shame?

damn plate.

I look like the last 20 minutes before the boys.

You look pretty good to me.

All right, baby. What's it going to be tonight?

Lady or the tramp?

Honey, you've been away for two months.

At this point, a hefty bag would do it.

You know what?

Forget it.

I'm beat.

And my stomach, oh, my goodness.

You know, it wouldn't kill DeVito to put a couple of vegetables on his plate.

You gonna do his show or what?

Oh, I don't know.

I love him, but I just don't know if I should do TV.

You did Seinfeld? Oh, but that was side...

if I keep taking these guest spots, pretty soon I'll have my own series. And

then I might just as well kill myself.

You know, I wouldn't mind a little tramp.

Ooh, wifely duties.

Mine is a wide and heavy load.

I can't tell you how many nights on the road I long to look into your eyes and

say, darling, I'm hungry, I'm tired.

Feed me, hold me, make me happy.

Isn't that from The Rose?

No. Yes.

You know, that scene right after you call your mother on the phone. Okay,

You know, I was nominated for that.

Here we go.

Sally field my ass.

Oh, you know, I miss you when you're away.

Really? Go figure.

You know, I miss you, too.

I'm so torn.

I mean, I love you. I love the road.

But I have to be brutally honest. I'm 35.

I can't go on forever.

But tonight, I'm so happy to be home.

And I'm so happy to be in my own bed. And I'm so, so pleased you want me for

your little tramp.

Roy.

Roy.

door with the windows open.

Give her a minute.

I thought we said no TV at breakfast. No, no, no, no. That was me. I turned it

on. I just wanted to see if there was anything about the concert last night.

Hey, Oscar.

Good morning. What are you doing here?

We've got to run over some stuff for that benefit tomorrow.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The Divine Miss M wound up her tour here in Los Angeles

among the star -studded crowd. Mr.

Danny DeVito in the audience and here now this morning.

Enjoy the show, Danny. Ah.

She's a goddess.

There is a mention of the two of you in Today's Variety, your new television

series, and Bette making a guest appearance.

Kind of a romantic chemistry?

Is she going to play your love interest?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Bette plays my mother.

Give me this.

Give me this. Where, where, where? Oh!

DeVito says neato.

Bette's my mom.

Okay.

She didn't see it. Well, what if she did see it? Well, if she saw it, she

thought, we're all adults, we will handle it, not to worry.

Hi,

hon, how you feeling?

Like a fossil in heels.

Well, I have to get to school.

I'll give you a ride.

Oh, good Lord, these aren't my shoes.

Connie, Connie, Connie. I know, I know, I know.

I'm a lifetime movie.

I know. What?

Remember that time we had cramps?

We watched that thing with Michelle Lee.

Where she fell asleep at the wheel.

And they had to reconstruct her face.

And they made her look just like Michelle Lee. Only nobody recognized her

because she was Michelle Lee before. Only now she was Michelle Lee. And

Oh, wait a minute.

It wasn't Michelle Lee at all. It was Joan Van Ark.

Which one of them was on North Landing?

Both of them. Oh, then I have no idea.

But the point is, she looked fabulous. And I'm calling her plastic surgeon.

Why? Why not?

Oh, honey, you don't need it. Oh, Connie.

Dear, sweet Connie.

Get your head out of my tuchus and hand me... Hello?

Yes, I'd like to make an appointment to see Dr. Bidre.

Today?

Three months?

My chin will have skid marks.

Please. Oh, please.

Please, it's an emergency.

A share -sized emergency.

Oh, thank you. Ten o 'clock, yes.

My name?

Oh, uh, Connie Randolph. What? Me?

Can't say it's for me. It'll be all over town in five minutes. I'll get you one.

Besides, it's so much more believable if we say it's for you.

You could serve a Seder on those things.

Do you remember that old Cosmo test to see if you were perky enough? Where you

stuck a pencil under your breast and it drops to the floor? The very same. Hand

me one of them things.

You're trembling like a leaf. Put your head between your legs, darling.

Breathe.

She has an irrational fear of all things medical. Her mother was

jilted by a podiatrist.

Let's say, let's not wait for the appointment as long as we're here.

How about, hypothetically, you give me an estimate?

What exactly were you thinking?

Well... Excuse me, do you mind if I take some notes?

Oh. Oh, no, not at all.

You know, a little in here, a little out there, up, down, lift, tuck, you know.

Remember when they redid Disneyland?

Fine. Just to give you some idea, starting with the ground floor. Uh -huh.

Ground floor.

Pull this in a little.

A little more. A little more. Okay.

Doctor, I just want to look good, not whistle.

And moving upstairs.

Careful, Doc. These girls are half my act.

You're a woman.

Oh, God.

Hey, girlfriend.

Can I get a what -what?

Yeah, what are you wearing and what are you doing here? I just thought we could

maybe, like, hang.

Look, Mom, we're... Please.

Don't call me Mom. We're pals.

Call me Bet.

No. I'll call you Bet.

Beat it, Herbie.

You got it, Bet.

Listen.

You don't think this outfit's a little too young for me, do you?

Yes. Me either.

Oh, what are the kids eating these days?

Pizza? Yeah, mom, pizza's pretty happening. I heard that.

See, isn't it cool to have a mom who's more like a bud?

So I did a little break dance in front of your friends. What the big?

Yo, Oscar.

Stop.

I think I figured out that Gershwin medley for the benefit tomorrow.

Gershwin. Beth.

fine for what he does. I just think maybe we should branch out a little bit.

For what, he asked fearfully. Oh, I don't know. Something a little more now,

little more with it, a little more me.

Anthrax.

Hole.

Kid Rock. Kid Rock?

Yeah, Kid Rock. Don't you think it's a good idea? No. Me too.

How about this one?

Bye.

Wait,

just a damn minute. How many more?

Four. Oh, my God.

Well, change that chord or something, would you? It's awful.

And...

All right, I'm officially declaring this Danny DeVito thing a crisis.

I mean, if this were an island, we'd all be lashing ourselves to a palm tree.

Somebody's got to go up there and tell her to knock it off.

What on earth are you doing?

Trying to outrun my ass.

Right, OK, well, I've just come in to say one thing, and you're not going to

like it, but you're damn well going to listen. Do you understand?

Yes.

Oh, I love America.

I do, I do. I'm crazy about this country.

Didn't think I would be, but here I am. I love your people and your ball games

and your Bill of Rights.

Love your Bill of Rights.

Because I can speak, I can assemble, and I don't have to

incriminate myself, which is lovely.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that, and now you do. So don't you forget it.

Okay, listen to me.

I have been your manager for how long? And we have been friends way longer than

that. If I can't be honest with you, who can?

Which is why...

And I don't say this as godmother to your only child.

Nor do I hold a grudge that you introduced my first husband to his first

husband.

Through it all, the ups, the downs, the good times, the bad times, here we are.

Here we are right now, and I just have to tell you.

What?

There's cake in the fridge.

Well, it wasn't pretty, but it needed to be fit.

Get in there, close the deal.

You two are so full of crap.

You know, when I was a kid, we lived at the bottom of a hill.

And every day I would look up there and I would say, boy, I bet it would take a

hundred years to climb that hill.

What is the matter with you all? Am I the only sane one around here?

Don't you want to know what's on top of the hill?

No.

Swedish. Yeah, how much did it cost?

It's Swedish!

Look, all the glamour of a leather bar without the two -drink minimum.

Why are you letting this Danny DeVito thing get to you?

What Danny DeVito thing?

What are you talking about? What are you talking about?

This, you, today, the doctor's office, the mall.

Where is all this coming from? Where do you think it's coming from?

You fell asleep on me.

When? Think back.

Last night.

All tramped up and nowhere to go.

Oh, Jesus. Is that what all this is about?

Oh, what a story.

Heard it a million times. Go out on the road, come back and find your life blown

away like dust in the wind.

That's from Beaches. No, it ain't.

I made it up myself.

Chief, poetry is my business.

Let me get this straight.

I fall asleep and you decide that means you're old?

Well, what else could it mean?

Well, maybe I'm old.

Maybe I was tired.

Maybe I have a mistress.

You have a mistress? No.

It's Sally Field, isn't it? No.

Get me off this thing. I've been looking for an excuse to kill her for 20 years.

I'm coming for you, Gidget.

you about the hill?

Oh, my God.

Anything but the hill.

So it's Christmas, and I get on my new bicycle, and I start pedaling up the

hill, but it's icy, and my legs hurt, and, you know, I'm huffing, and I'm

huffing, and I'm going to get up that hill, but I keep slipping.

I keep slipping back, and I keep falling down, but you know what?

I get to the top of the hill.

And it was still easier than a date with you.

But it was worth it.

Because it was the most incredible, beautiful view I'd ever seen.

That's just great.

So I'm the hill.

No.

You're the view.

But you couldn't even stay awake long enough to kiss me goodnight.

Oh, honey, I've been...

Kissing you for 15 years.

So what?

Are you done?

You want me to kiss you?

Come here, I'll kiss your cross -eyed.

Baby,

you're the greatest.

Isn't that from The Honeymooners?

Keys may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble. They're only made of clay.

But our love is here to stay.

Come on, everybody.

Grub song.

Honey? Yeah? What Danny DeVito thing?

is