Original subtitles

Here is the committee report on that toxic waste dump.

Why are you holding it like that? Did they include samples?

No, no, no. I just painted my nails. They're still a little wet.

Why didn't you do that before you came in this morning? Oh, don't jump down my

tonsils, Buster. I didn't have time this morning because I had to be here so

early. You didn't have to be here early just because I was. Yes, I did, so you

could pick up your nephew at the airport.

You'd be lost around here without me, Benson. It's true what they say. Behind

every successful man, there is a woman.

Yeah, but where do you fit in?

Very funny.

How come he has to spend the summer with you anyway?

Is he being punished?

Well, you know, a kid's going through one of those stages. He can't

with his parents. You know how it is.

Yeah, yeah. Real foul ball, huh?

No, not as far as I'm concerned.

We always got along very well together.

He was even named after me.

Really? Boy, nobody in my family ever named a child after me.

Well, there's no wonder, Krause. Who would want to name a baby the thing?

Hey, Uncle Benson!

Benson! How are you?

Great. Why have you grown in the last two years?

Four years.

Four years? It's been that long?

Krause, I want you to meet my nephew.

Vincent Hawkins. Oh, pleased to meet you. Oh, what a fine young man.

I see the gene pool is improving, but it's a generational.

If I need you, I'll buzz your cage.

Who's the bride?

Oh, don't call her that. She's the lady. She's the... Whatever she is, don't

call her that.

Oh, well, you two got a little thing going on. Don't ever say that again.

Don't even think it.

Have a seat.

What are you doing here anyway? Did your plane get in early?

Oh, no, I cast in my ticket. I hitched out.

You hitchhiked?

Don't you know that's dangerous?

Yeah, well, so is flying. I mean, you never hear about 300 hitchhikers going

down in the middle of the Pacific.

You also never hear about an airline pilot who mugs his passengers.

Hey, good news.

I got you a job right here in the mansion.

Oh, really? What's my title?

Title? Well, there's no official title. You'd be more like Chief Gopher.

Gopher?

You gotta be kidding.

Don't you have any pulling around here?

Well, look, Benson, you're a college dropout with no work history. It's a

difficult to get you appointed as Attorney General.

Oh, well, job's a job, right?

Right. Glad to see you got the right attitude.

Say, Uncle, can I borrow your car? What for?

I don't want to ride around and check things out. Sure, sure, sure.

And the keys to the condo are on there in case you want to freshen up. Now, you

remember where it is, right? Yeah.

Okay. I'll catch you later. All right. Oh, Benson.

Now, remember, you'll have to be back here to pick me up at 6 .30.

Oh, no problem. And by the way, I don't go by the name Benson anymore.

No.

Why? Well, you know, some people hassle you when you got kind of a

wimpy name.

Wimpy, huh?

Don't get me wrong.

It isn't for me.

But it's okay for an old dude like you.

Yeah, well, I suppose it is better than being called Pops.

So, what do they call you then?

Cleet.

Cleet.

As in the bottom of a football shoe?

Well, I happen to think it's a stronger name.

All right with me. All right, catch you later. All right.

Cleet's a stronger name?

Cleet. Benson. No contest.

Excuse me.

Hey, Uncle Benson.

What's going on here? Oh, we're having a little party.

I can see that.

But why didn't you pick me up? I had to get a ride home with Krause. Oh, well,

I'm sorry. I completely forgot.

Why are you throwing a party?

Well, I wanted to establish myself socially, so I decided to host a little

-together. Well, get -together? There are 40 or 50 people out there. Yeah, a

of them had to leave early.

Well, where on earth did you meet all these people?

Around. Hey, I hope you don't mind, do you? Yes, I do mind. It's a little

jarring to come home and find your living room looking like a Prince video.

Okay. Don't get a bit out of shape. It's no problem.

Hey, everybody.

Party's over.

Yeah, Michael Benson says he wants everybody to get the hell out.

I didn't say that.

What are you saying? I'm saying that you should have talked to me before you

went and did something like this.

All right, all right. It won't happen again.

Hey, we got this straightened out. It makes me feel better.

Hey.

Cleet, Cleet, Cleet.

The refrigerator is empty.

Oh, don't blame yourself. You didn't know all these people were coming.

I don't believe this. They even ate the baking soda.

Listen, I'm going to go down to the corner and get myself something to eat.

be back in about an hour, and I want this party over.

Come on, Unc. It's starting to heat up. Over.

All right, I'll wrap it up soon. But in the meantime, I have got to boogie.

Everybody say, huh!

Huh!

It's the boogie down.

Y 'all heard the man? Boogie down!

Well, you two knock it off.

Where are those voter demographics I asked you for?

You got me.

I don't want you. I want the voter demographics.

Well, I did my job. I sent someone to the Capitol to pick it up. But that was

three hours ago. Did you send someone from this office?

Better yet, did you send someone from this county?

I sent Cleet.

Oh, Gleet? Well, he's probably got a good excuse.

He's a nice enough kid, Benson, but he is taking forever to run errands. I

to talk to him about it. It's like talking to a brick yard.

You mean a brick wall.

Whatever. A brick is a brick. You just can't talk to it.

Benson, where in the hell is that nephew of yours? I asked him to deliver my

proposal to the finance committee, and he hasn't even picked it up yet.

Maybe the kid doesn't pick up garbage.

Please, Miss Trout, I am in no mood for your aborted attempts at humor.

Are you in the mood for a fat lip?

Benson, if this obvious nepotism is some sort of conspiracy to annoy me, let me

assure you that it is off to a roaring start.

I am not trying to annoy you, Clayton, and I wish you'd give me the same

courtesy.

What news?

I just won $25 in the football pool.

What football pool?

I went down the mail room.

Who is running a football pool in the mail room?

Cleet. Cleet?

Of course. Who else?

Oh, half the staff was in it. It was quite a pool.

Listen, if you guys want to get in, Cleet says the next deadline is noon

tomorrow. Oh, great.

At least we know he'll be back by then.

Well, isn't this wonderful?

Now, your nephew is running a bookie joint out of the mail room. What's next?

gambling casino in the basement with plot machines and showgirls? Oh, we

couldn't do that.

Oh, now we could.

Take out that one wall and move the furnace. Governor, governor, please. All

right, Benson. If no one else.

We'll say this.

I will.

Your nephew is a royal pain in the office.

I happen to like him.

Oh. Ah, well, I don't... I don't dislike him.

Just that he's high -spirited.

All right, all right. I realize Cleet's not doing his job well. I'll have a talk

with him, see if I can't straighten him out.

Good.

I'm glad I could help clear the air. If you really want to clear the air, clear

out.

Fine, fine.

I have important things to do.

Bunsen, I really am sorry about all this stuff with your nephew.

I mean, I really sympathize. It could be Katie.

Not that it would be. I mean, she was raised differently.

No, she was, was she?

Oh! Oh, I didn't mean that the way it sounded.

Oh, I'm sure your sister is a wonderful mother. She certainly didn't raise him

to be a problem.

What problem?

Oh, well, you know what I'm trying to say.

Oh, yes, Governor. As strange as it may seem, I know exactly what you're saying.

Good, good.

Because I hate to repeat myself.

I hate to repeat myself.

I know.

I know.

Good. Good.

Bye -bye.

Well, that governor sure knows his sports, huh? Where have you been?

I was at lunch. For three hours?

Well, not quite. I met this girl.

So? So, we had lunch, took a little walk, went to the movies.

It adds up to about three hours. Are you trying to tell me that you went to the

movies in the middle of a work day? Oh, that was her idea.

Cleet, you have a job. People depend on you. You're not doing your job. For

what? For what?

Where are the demographics that I asked you for? I told you I met this girl.

What are you all uptight about, Unc? Because you have a job.

Any jerk can do this job.

Well, I know one jerk who's not even coming close.

Unc, you don't have to talk to me that way.

I'm a human being too, you know. Oh, come on, Cleet. I'm just trying to point

out to you that... Forget it.

Take it, beeper.

You can bag this job.

What? I quit.

I'm out of here.

Adios, I'm a ghost.

I am vapor. I am in the wind.

Oh, gee, I hope I wasn't too hard on the lad.

That's a breakdown of the figures.

And now, the red bar on the Endicott budget rainbow represents

the largest contributor.

What is this green bar?

Lisa, you can't understand the green bar until I've explained the blue bar.

Benson, are you paying attention?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm hanging on your every word.

I don't know why I bothered spending two hours preparing this chart.

I thought it was so you could bore us.

You don't need charts to bore us.

I am simply trying to fulfill my responsibilities. Now, Benson, please

attention. Oh, leave him alone, Clayton. He's worried about his nephew.

And what would you have us do, Miss Krafft? Put the state on hold while we

about Benson's problem?

Well, we're all family here. If Benson has a problem, I think we should take

time to help him with it. No, that's all right, Governor. I don't want to

discuss it. Good.

Now, if we could all just turn our attention back to the chart. We'll be

to listen, Benson. Fine, fine. Let's forget about the chart and talk about

Benson's little problem. It's getting to be like a soap opera around here. The

days of our Benson.

Let the Dubois turn.

chart and go back to my office.

And so ends another episode of The Tense and the Useless.

If you ask me, Benson, what cleat needs is to be put across someone's knee and

paddled.

Fine. Whose knee do you suggest?

Lyle Alzado?

Miss Krause, would you leave Benson and me alone?

Why?

Because we would like to discuss his nephew.

Oh, I don't want to discuss him. But don't let that keep you here.

No problem.

No skin off my knees.

Is that the way that goes?

Benson, I know you don't want to talk about this, and I don't want to pry.

But that's what friends are for.

Maybe I might be able to help you with this. Well, I just don't understand the

kid. He's got no sense of responsibility.

Thinks life is one great big party. I didn't talk to somebody like that.

I don't know.

How do you get through to him?

I don't know. What does he want from me?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know? You said you could help me.

No, I said I might be able to help you.

Turns out I can't.

Hey, good morning, Uncle Benson.

Mmm, what's for breakfast?

Eggs. Mmm.

Make mine scramble. Make me sell.

What's eating you?

Who is that woman in my bathroom?

That's Latoya. I met her yesterday.

Thinking about making her my main squeeze.

Don't make her your main squeeze in my house.

Oh, come on, huh? What is she doing here?

Got too late to take her home, so I let her have my room, and I slept down here.

Don't be so tight, huh?

Cleet, we have to talk. Stop calling me Unc.

Good morning.

Oh, hi. Come here. I want you to meet my Uncle Benson.

Hi, Unc.

By the way, do you have any all -cotton towels?

Polyester gives me such a terrible rash.

Are those my pajamas?

Yeah. Cleet said you wouldn't mind.

Would you mind I have to talk to Steve Stunning here?

And please take off my pajamas.

Sure. Not here.

You upset about something?

Why should I be upset?

Just because you threw a party in my house, I got you a job, you walked off

I haven't seen my car in three days, why should I be upset?

We're just talking about material things.

My material things.

Maybe you should sit down.

Don't tell me to sit down.

Boy, you got a real attitude about this, don't you? You got that right.

Older dudes get attitudes.

Now, why are you turning your back on me? Oh, my eggs are burning.

Okay, lay it on me.

Cleet, look at yourself. You've got no sense of responsibility, no initiative.

And as far as I can see, no plans for the future. You sound just like my

parents. Did it ever occur to you that your parents might be right?

No.

Look, all my parents want to do is control my life from that little ivory

Is that what you think I want to do?

Hey, I don't know.

I used to think you were real cool.

But I don't know what you've turned into.

All you seem interested in is women, good times, and parties. So?

What are you going to do with your life?

Women, good times, and parties.

I know what the problem is.

You're jealous.

You don't like my lifestyle.

I certainly don't like paying for it.

No, I like my dad.

What is it with you older dudes?

Everything is money, money, money.

All right, all right. Tell me this. Now, you were making good grades in school.

Why did you drop out? Answer me that.

I don't owe you an answer.

Hey, look, it's my life, and I can do anything I want with it. And I don't

you sitting up in your ivory tower pontificating.

You're right.

It is your life, and you can do anything you want to with it. But when it all

breaks down, don't blame your father, don't blame your mother, and for God's

sake, don't blame me.

Oh, man.

And another thing, as long as you're going to live in this house, there are

rules, and rule number one is... I'm out of here. Oh, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Hold it.

Hold it. Wait a minute.

Wait just a minute here. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Uncle Benton, you got a minute?

Yeah. What do you want?

A couple of things.

First, I want to apologize for walking out. I shouldn't have done that.

And second, I heard what you were saying this morning.

And I appreciate the fact that you care.

Your parents care too, Cleet.

Yeah, I know.

Well, you'll be glad to know I made some plans.

Let's hear it.

Well, I'm going to hitch out to California.

And I'm going to blow it out this time.

Yeah, go nuts. Crazy time.

Well, it's certainly heartwarming to know that you put a great deal of

into this.

No, really.

Uncle Benji, remember how you used to tell me how you went down to New Orleans

and hung out at jazz clubs for almost a year? Yeah.

Well, what was that?

Well, that was... It was... Okay, okay. What is your point?

My point is...

I'm just not ready for a nine -to -five life right now.

It'll be there. It can wait.

Well, don't be so sure. It may still be there, but you're going to have to work

your tail off to get it.

The world's not holding its breath for Clee Hawkins.

Nobody's going to hand you anything.

Look, Uncle Benson, I know I've got to go to school. I know I have to get a

I know I have to be responsible.

And I know the next word out of your mouth is going to be but.

But not now. See?

I want to be crazy for a while.

Good news is you're succeeding.

I'll know when it's time to get serious.

You knew, didn't you?

Yeah, I suppose I did.

But let me give you a word of advice, Cleet. Time is a way of getting away

you.

Don't get lost looking for yourself.

Just trust me, Uncle Benson.

I'm smart.

Oh, come on, Cleet. I know you're smart, but... Let's go down the corner and get

something to eat.

We can talk about your plans.

Sure. Hey, can I drive?

Can I call you, Benson?

No. Then I'll drive.