All language subtitles for benson_s07e09_two_boys_and_their_dog

R. Benton, a souvenir pen from the
signing.

Thank you, and... Toddson's Funeral
Home.

Dial 555 -G -O -N -E.

Oh, that reminds me.

Of who?

I got that phone number you wanted. Oh,
from the investment counselor? Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, darn.

Well, I guess I forgot that pen.

Oh, that's okay.

You can give it to me later. Yeah.
Listen, I was thinking, if you have

invest, you should go to someone with
intelligence and integrity, someone that

you know and can trust.

Governor? Benson?

Are you serious?

What? You know he's one of the best. Are
you talking about me?

Yeah, but you know I can't stand them.

You are talking about me.

Clayton Benson has some money to invest.

And I think he should talk to you.

Uh -huh.

Well, I realize, Clayton, that you're
very good with money, but it's just that

I'm not quite ready at this point in
time to invest.

That's fine with me. Actually, I have a
personal rule. I never mix business with

friendship. Well, that rule wouldn't
really apply here.

Benson, do you need investment advice or
not? Well, sure.

Clayton, do you have one of the best
financial minds in the city or not?

The best.

Fine. So talk.

I'll be in my office.

All right, Benson.

If I'm going to help you, I'm going to
need some information.

How much money have you got?

I'm comfortable.

No, no, no. I mean, how much money have
you got to invest?

Well, for argument's sake, let's say
around $1 ,000.

$1 ,000.

Listen, I've got to be honest with you.
The only way to make any money on a

piddling $1 ,000...

is to get into a risk venture, you've
got to be willing to lose the entire

investment. A whole thousand dollars?

Forget it, Benson.

You haven't got the temperament to be a
high flyer. Yes, I do.

No, no, no. You're too cautious.

No, I'm not.

All right.

Write me a check for a thousand dollars.
I'll get you into something.

Into what?

I don't know.

Look, you came to me. I didn't come to
you.

Okay, okay.

How about $500?

Benson, you are wasting my time.

Attaboy. There you go.

That's right. Put the date up. Clayton.

IndyCard. The third.

There we go.

$1 ,000.

And no cents.

Spell my name, Clayton.

Good.

Dial 555 -G -O -N -E.

All right, I'll put this money to work
today. Who knows? It could be gold. It

could be oil.

It could be real estate.

Let's just hope it's profitable.

The bird around the mansion is, you gave
that clown $10 ,000.

I didn't give him $10 ,000. It's $1
,000.

Besides, he didn't give it to him. He's
investing it. But you always say Clayton

is an idiot.

He is.

Except when it comes to money.

It's only $1 ,000.

Well, if you want my opinion, you can
kiss that Grover Cleveland goodbye.

How do you know those pictures on the $1
,000 bill?

It was on my immigration test.

Boy, they really tried to keep you out,
didn't they?

Oh, hi, Chief.

Hi, Mrs. Cassidy.

I hear you gave $15 ,000 to Balloon
Brand.

I can only hope that my investment
increases as rapidly as this rumor.

It was a piddling $1 ,000.

The late Mr.

Cassidy always said, a fool and his
money are soon parted.

And he died and I got all his money.

That man was a financial genius.

What? It's all right.

Go ahead and laugh.

Go ahead and laugh.

But when the profits start rolling in,
it'll be a different story.

So what did you invest in? I don't know.

You don't know?

No, I don't know what he invested in.
But you can bet one thing, it's going to

be sophisticated.

Hello, everyone. Look what I've got.

Hey, Clayton, that's a beautiful dog.

Benson, meet champion Alfred's premier
MacGuffin.

I didn't know you liked dogs, Clayton.

Actually, I prefer cats. But Alfred is a
very good investment. Oh, he is?

Investment?

Yes. No.

Yes. I said no.

Oh, I've got to run.

A dog is a dog.

Moonbrain bought himself a dog.

Are you trying to tell me that I own a
$1 ,000 dog?

No, you are the half -owner of a $2 ,000
dog, partner.

Partner? You said gold, real estate,
oil. You never said one damn word about

dog.

Benson, this is a purebred Bassett, a
champion. From expensive dogs come

expensive puppies.

Puppies? Did you look under this dog?

Male dogs don't have puppies.

I am aware of that.

Our income will be derived from fees
charged to people who own female dogs.

You mean Champ is going to get paid to
date other dogs?

That's right.

And we get the money?

Mm -hmm.

You know what that makes us, partner?

Benson, rest assured, this is an
excellent investment.

Alfred earns $250 per... date.

Yeah? Yeah,

we're in the wrong business.

Nine dates, and we're in the black.

Yeah, but how are you going to get them
dates? What do you do, stand on the

corner and ask other passing dogs if
they want to party?

Oh, I plan to place ads in several
breeding journals.

You got a magazine for single dogs?

Yeah, well, I must admit, I've always
been fond of basset hounds.

We're going to make big bucks with this
animal.

He's young, he's healthy. That means
long -term profitability.

Yeah, but he looks kind of scrawny to
me.

Yeah, you can feed him when you get him
home. What do you mean when I get him

home?

Well, I'd take him, but my apartment
building doesn't allow pets.

So, you own your apartment building.

Rules are rules.

Okay, champ, we'll stop and get
something to eat.

Stop by a tree so you can freshen up.

All right, champ, this is a big test.

Sit.

All right.

Any cue, then?

Hey,

Governor, come in here a second.

Still teaching champ tricks. Yeah,
right, right. This is a big one. Watch

it. Up, boy.

Taught him to jump up on the furniture.

Hello,

Governor. Good news, Benson.

Long lunch, Clayton.

I just got back from breeding monthly.

It's a magazine.

It just placed an ad for Champs
Services.

At any rate, while I was there placing
an ad, I met a woman with a gorgeous

pair of Bassets.

They're female, and she and I have
already arranged a rendezvous with

Wait a minute now, Clayton. What kind of
dogs are these? These nice dogs?

Who cares? They have money.

Money? Is that all you care about?

You know what your problem is? You and
Alfred have been living together for one

week, and in that short time, you've
grown emotionally attached.

You know, I had an aunt who grew
emotionally attached to a pig.

Not now, Governor. Oh, no.

It's a wonderful story.

She dressed him up in a little suit and
tie.

Governor, please.

Oh, okay, Clinton. You're lost.

All right, now, this is the address.
Now, you and Alfred meet me there

promptly at 8 o 'clock. Be sure he's
well -groomed and ready for romance.

All right, okay, okay.

I'll spray him with some aqua velvet and
bring my Johnny Mathis to him.

Huh? How about this, big boy?

First date out, huh?

Fifi and Belinda.

They're twins, huh?

How lucky can you get?

Let's leave it alone, Clayton. Get away
from us. No, no, no. I want to work this

out. Well, how was it? How did the date
go?

Will somebody tell me what happened?

I don't want to talk about it. Well,
I... I'll tell you what happened.

Nothing happened.

Nada, zippo, zilch.

No, he wasn't even interested.

Well, maybe he had a headache.

Headache? I'll tell you what's wrong
with the dog.

He's a wimp. Hey, hey, hey.

Don't talk about my dog that way.

Your dog?

This is not your dog. This is our
investment.

You fellas, you shouldn't fight in front
of the DOG.

We'll talk about this later. No, there's
nothing to talk about later. Oh, yes,

there is. Either you know who does you
know what, or he goes you know where.

Attack!

He's thinking about it.

Great. Champ really loves the outdoors.

Yeah, well, that's not surprising.

Basset hounds are hunting dogs.

Yeah, I saw that this afternoon.

A squirrel jumped out of a tree and
Champ started hunting for a place to

Ah, maybe he was just teasing the
squirrel.

Sure. No, really.

He has a terrific sense of humor.

Oh, sure.

I still think you're cute, Champ.

Ah, good. Benson, you're here. Oh, uh,
hey, Dean.

Would you run along? Benson and I have
some adult things to discuss.

Sure, no problem.

Good. See you later, cutie. Okay.

The dog, Clayton. I was talking to the
dog.

So what do you want, Clayton?

Benson, I have some very disturbing
figures here.

Oh, your state revenue projections?

No, no, this is about Alfred.

I don't want to talk about it.

Benson, we have had six appointments and
six disappointments.

I don't want to hear this, Clayton. No,
no, no, no. This is purely a business

decision. We bought a piece of
equipment. The equipment doesn't work.

the equipment and take our loss. This is
not a drill press. This is a living,

breathing human dog.

Benson, this is a bad investment.

Good dog.

Bad investment.

Hello. How's the doggy dating game
going?

Bachelor number one wants to sell
bachelor number two.

Oh, no.

Why for... Why would you want to sell
him?

Well, because he isn't living up to
Clayton's expectations.

The dog is 0 for 6.

Did it ever occur to you that the dog
might need medical attention?

Krause could be right.

Who said that?

Well, I will admit that that is a
possibility. But if a visit to the vet

there's nothing wrong, we sell the dog.
Agreed?

Let's take this one step at a time.

Fine. I'll take the first step. I'll
take him to the vet.

I want this settled today.

Come on, Alfred.

Come on, boy.

Heel! It's all right, champ.

Go with the heel.

You two think you're so funny.

Benson, it was apparent to me from the
start that getting involved in a

deal with Clayton would lead to nothing
but heartache and recriminations.

Cross, wouldn't it have been easier to
just say, I told you so?

I told you so.

Boy, that really makes you boil, doesn't
it?

I got here as fast as I could, Clayton.

Krause says there's something wrong with
Champs.

Let's talk over here.

All right, Dr.

Bonner has examined him.

He's fine physically, but he did note
some signs of stress, and he suggested

that we see Dr.

Lambert. Well, if there's nothing wrong
with him, why do we have to see another

doctor? I said there was nothing
physically wrong.

Oh.

So, what is this guy, a doggie
psychiatrist?

Yes.

Well, let me re... phrase that. What is
this guy, a doggy psychiatrist?

Alfred's premier MacGuffin?

And the family?

That's us.

How do I get myself mixed up in these
things?

Come on, Henson.

Come on, come on.

Now, as I told Mr. Endicott on the
phone, the best way for me to determine

Alfred's problem is by talking to the
people he spends time with.

I understand Alfred lives with you?

Yeah.

That's right.

Any unusual behavior?

You mean like barking to himself?

I was thinking more along the lines of
changes in his daily habits.

Perfectly normal.

If he were a monk, he'd be perfectly
normal.

Unfortunately, the dog was purchased
specifically for the purposes of

How have you been treating, Alfred?

Fine. Like a dog.

Mr. Dubois, is there something you're
feeling right now that you would like to

share with us?

Yeah, I feel kind of stupid being in
here with the dog lying on the couch

that.

I'm beginning to pick up a little
something here.

May I say something?

Please, go ahead. That's what we're here
for.

I think you should realize that this man
will never give you a straight answer

because this man never gives anyone a
straight answer.

And how do you feel about that?

His wisecracks make me feel
insignificant.

Is that true, Mr. DuBois?

Stupid. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you
were finished.

Like a nothing.

Now he's finished.

Gentlemen, let's change tack.

For a moment, let's put ourselves in the
dog's shoes.

Mr. Dubois, why don't you start first?
Why don't you try to verbalize what you

think the dog is feeling?

This is a complete waste of time and
money.

Was that the dog?

No, that was me.

The dog is probably thinking humans are
stupid.

No, the dog is thinking Clayton is
stupid.

Because that's what you taught him.

Well, I don't have to teach him that.

This is a hunting dog. He can sniff out
a bird brain in a mile away.

You know what the problem is? When
Alfred is with you, you're a Disneyland

What does that mean?

You spoil him rotten. I give him
affection.

You give him anything he wants.

I'm beginning to see something here.

Maybe the conflict between you two is
stressing the dog.

Very often, an animal reacts to pressure
and in certain intimate situations

becomes unable to perform.

People pay you for this information?

You know what the real problem is.

Alfred hates me.

I picked him out. I bought him, and he
goes right to Benson.

Is that true, Mr. DuBois? Does the dog
prefer you?

I'm nice to the dog. When Clayton sees
the dog, all he thinks of is a four

-legged cash register.

Well, that may have been true in the
beginning, but he won me over, and now

breaking my heart.

Oh, come on, Clayton. You can't pine
away for a dog.

You want the dog to pay any attention,
you gotta be nice to him.

Show him some affection.

I don't know how.

Maybe I can help. Oh, brother.

Mr. Dubois, demonstrate for Mr. Endicott
how you show affection for Alfred.

Don't want to.

Remember, Mr. Dubois, this is for
Alfred.

Okay. For Alf.

Fine. Now, Mr. Endicott. I ain't
touching Mr. Endicott.

Mr. Dubois.

Go ahead, Mr. Endicott.

Come on, Clayton.

Let's get this over with. Get out of
here.

Don't be afraid, Mr. Endicott.

Hello, Alfred.

Champ.

Oh.

Come

on,

Clayton, loosen up. What are you...

You did a good job, Doc. It wasn't very
difficult.

After all, Dog is man's best friend. In
Clayton's case, his only friend.