Original subtitles

I'm glad I caught you listening. Just one more time, I'd like to emphasize how

important this trip to Germany is. How much we need the lens factory in our

state. How everything rests in my capable hand.

That's it, Bunsen. You have got it. Because it is very important.

Don't keep saying that. I know that.

Small piece of advice for you. Don't take that uptight attitude with you over

there. Won't get you anywhere. The Germans are a fun -loving people.

Achtung, Benson. The car is waiting.

Oh, yeah.

They're loose as a goose.

I'm so excited, Governor.

I'm going to show Benson some of the hot spots I used to visit when I was a

young girl.

Uh, was this before they had the wall?

This was before they had dirt.

Miss Krause, here's the projector and slides for Benson's presentation.

Wait a minute.

That's my new slide projector. I just bought it. I'm aware of that, sir, but I

was certain you wouldn't mind lending it to them. Well, you were wrong. You

don't just lend somebody's personal projector without asking. Don't worry,

Governor. I'll be very careful.

What is this hysteria? We are talking about a projector.

Thank you.

If you have something to say, why don't you just say it out loud?

All right, sir, I have two problems here.

Number one, I don't know why she's going to Germany instead of me. She speaks

German. And number two, I cannot comprehend why a man of your presumed

is making such a fuss over a rinky -dink projector.

Presumed rinky -dink.

Clayton, go to your office.

Very good, sir.

And later on, when you least expect it...

I'll be in to chew you out.

Fine, fine. I'll be looking forward to it. I'll clear my calendar.

Do you see that attitude?

I know what. I'll beat him to his office. I'll shake him up.

Oh, Benson. Oh, I forgot. Listen, would you get me some of those leather shorts

with the suspenders, you know? Right, right. What size?

36. Oh, but they're on the metric system, aren't they? Oh, well, now, let

see. That would be... Oh, you don't have to figure it out. I'll get Krause to

try them on. You're all the same size.

That's not a very nice thing to say.

Oh, I'm sorry, Governor.

Bye -bye.

Benson, will you hold it there for a little bit?

Benson.

The presentation went brilliantly. You were wonderful. They were very

I think we're going to get that lens factory.

Well, I certainly hope so.

Let me ask you something, Krause. Why didn't you translate what I said

I did, exactly.

Well, pretty exactly.

Yeah, but when you converted dollars into marks, didn't you pump it up a bit?

measly million marks. I thought it made it sound more exciting.

Well, that may be, but we can't deceive the Germans.

Oh, I don't know.

We bought D -Day lock, stock, and barrel.

Well, don't blame yourself for that.

After all, it's easy to miss 3 ,000 warships sneaking across the channel.

V -Gate's home.

I hope this restaurant isn't far. I'm starving.

Well, it didn't used to be, of course. That was before they had the wall.

Wall? What wall?

Sea wall?

I'm not going in the wall.

Has it shown up yet?

Yes, he has. He has not approached me.

How will I recognize the chameleon? You can't.

He's a master of the game.

That's why they call him the chameleon. How will he contact me?

He will ask you if you went to school together.

You reply, only in the gymnasium.

It's as if it's always cold. And you say, only in the winter.

And he says...

You always had a good time.

Right. As soon as he arrives, I will get some missile alignment device and bring

it to headquarters.

That could be the chameleon. Which one?

Who knows?

Well, Benson, this is it. Don't you love it? Yeah, well, maybe it'll look a

little better after we've had a couple of beers.

I have such happy memories of this place.

singing and dancing. All the men used to make passes at me.

Really?

It was a romantic little place.

Must have been a dark little place.

May I help you?

Yes, we'd like to order dinner.

the gymnasium?

I think I'll have the wienerschnitzel.

Yeah, I should look at the menu, too, here.

Do you remember anything else about the gymnasium?

What? Oh, well, yeah, sure, it was always... Yeah, yeah, yeah?

Uh, schmelly.

Schmelly?

Our gymnasium was always cold.

Ha, ha, ha!

A Wienerschnitzel and two beers, Peter.

I'll have the same.

What do you think? Don't you love the way they decorated this place?

I don't know what it looked like before, but it looks like a dead zoo now.

Why didn't you leave this thing at home?

It's the governor's projector.

I'm not going to have it stolen.

Wherever I go, this little baby goes too.

Squeeze Dirtball.

What is this all about?

Max Heimlich's secret police.

Secret police? We haven't done anything wrong.

Yeah, we just wanted to get some need. You people are so strict.

You expect me to believe you didn't know this is the secret headquarters of the

secret police?

Well, no, no. I guess the, uh...

Cafe curtains in the window must have fooled us.

It's our mistake. Let's go, Krauss.

Sit!

Let's do this.

Everybody wait in the situation room.

Hence Fritz prepares the torture devices.

Look, I've got to tell you, this is no way to encourage tourism in your

us like this. We are American citizens.

We are government employees.

Aha!

So you are with a central intelligence agency and you are trying to infiltrate

our spy ring?

Look, Max, use your head. Does she look like she's got anything to do with

intelligence?

So what are you doing with this missile alignment device?

Missile align... device.

That's the projector from Radio Shack.

I'm confiscating this device.

That's okay with me. Krauss, give it to him. Nein, I'm not letting him get his

grubby communist hands on this projector. I gave my word to a higher

Give me the device.

Nein!

Excuse me a minute. Excuse me a minute.

Krauss, this guy is crazy.

Give him the device or you may be visiting a higher authority.

I said you give me the device or I take it by force.

Make my day.

Very well, I did not want to have to do this, but I... I

wish you hadn't done that,

Big Bird. Let's get out of here.

Which way?

Left. Good thinking.

Which way?

Over.

Say it again.

It is the

last room we have.

We'll take it.

Where's the bathroom?

That way.

Down the hall?

Down the street.

You have to share.

Do we at least have the room to ourselves?

Oh, yeah.

You have the room to yourself.

Good night.

Well, Kraus, I want to thank you for a perfectly wonderful evening.

Don't be a Weisenheimer.

No, no, no, I'm serious. No, it was a fun three and a half hours crawling

through... Pipes climbing over things, climbing under things, being chased by

dogs. Have I missed any of the high points?

Fading through the scummy river.

Oh, yes, the scummy river. How could I miss that? The scummy river. And after

all that, where in the hell are we? We are in a filthy hotel room somewhere in

East Berlin with a secret police after us.

But there is a bright side.

What? We didn't lose the governor's projector.

Now, she don't seem to understand one thing. We are in serious international

trouble here. Oh, shut up, Benson. I'm pooped. Come on, let's get some sleep.

Yes, all right. We'll figure out a plan. We'll argue about it in the morning.

Yes, good idea.

There's only one bed.

Well, at least it's in the room.

come in the middle of the night with a man in my bed. You lie, Kraus.

Oh,

Kraus, Kraus, Kraus.

What is it?

What is it?

The guy from the secret police down there.

Oh, what are we going to do?

I have an idea. Go get the concierge fast.

See that guy down there?

Oh, yeah. Shut up!

Go down there and strike up a conversation with him. If he asks about

tell him we went out the back door. Yeah, we would appreciate that so much.

How much? What's your price?

One fancy wristwatch.

Forget it.

Hello! Now you don't worry. I'll handle him.

Is he still down there?

Yeah, he's still down there.

Well, what is he doing?

Oh, nothing much. Sort of getting impatient.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yeah, yeah? I think he's leaving.

Yeah, he's leaving.

Oh, wonderful.

Oh, no.

Now what?

Uh -oh.

What? Concierge just stopped him.

It doesn't look good.

What are they doing?

Uh, he's... Uh -oh, uh -oh. He just gave her his watch, and she pointed to our

room.

expressed here are not necessarily those of everyone in the room.

I have an idea.

Let's take off our clothes.

Freeze, Dirtball.

Don't you get it?

No, and I don't want to see it either.

No, no. See, we will exchange clothes. See, the secret police are looking for a

white woman and a black man, not a white man and a black woman.

Did you forget to pay your brain bill?

Yes, we tie these sheets together, we climb down, we steal a car, we rush

through the city, find Checkpoint Charlie, and we escape to freedom.

That's a good plan. Do you think it'll work? No, no.

But it's better than being shot down in drag somewhere in the middle of East

Hill.

Come on, you ready?

Yeah, yeah. I'm just going to get the governor's projector.

Well, forget the projector.

No violence, please. Now we can just talk this out.

There is the missile alignment device.

It's not a missile alignment device. It's a slide projector from Radio Shack.

You're both in big international trouble here.

in West Berlin.

West Berlin?

Yeah.

West Berlin! We made it, Benson! We are free!

Yeah. Except for being held at gunpoint.

That's right.

West Berlin.

East Berlin. It doesn't matter.

You're still my prisoner.

If I screw this up, I'll be back walking a beach in that scummy river.

Would they do that to me?

As a punishment, I once spent two and a half years in the K -9 Corps.

You ever sleep with a Doberman? Not me, Krauss.

Listen, Max, why don't you just calm down, huh?

Calm down. Take off that jacket.

You're just getting all hot and bothered. You're lathering yourself all

Relax.

But you don't understand!

I had no family.

I had to turn them in when I was seven.

We used to be a fun -loving people.

Yes, yes. I understand, Max. I understand. You're frustrated.

You know, you don't know where to turn. You've got no friends.

Right? Right?

Yeah, yeah. Let me show you something with the slide protectors.

See here, I want to show you something with these

here. Here, see. Now sit down there.

Oh, it's beautiful.

What is it? It's a shopping mall in the States.

It's so serene.

Yes. These are all stores?

Yes. Would you believe it?

Where are all the soldiers?

How do you keep the people away from the stores?

Well, that's just it. We don't. America's a land of opportunity.

Anyone can go shopping.

Yes, yes. Crouch, crouch.

Talk to Max.

Oh, Max, you know, I was once just like you.

You are a common thug.

I was a girl in Bavaria.

She's calling me a sissy.

No, no, no.

She's just trying to point out that...

Be a foreigner and come to America and do very well.

Yeah, yeah, look at me.

Well, don't let that influence your decision.

America is a great country.

Yes, it's a land of opportunity, you know.

It's a place where you can fulfill your dreams, you know.

You can have a vegetable stand in Watts.

You have dreams, don't you, Max?

I have always wanted to be a circus clown.

Listen to that, will you?

Make the kiddies laugh.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

That's wonderful.

That's wonderful.

Well, Max, I'm sure that somewhere in America, there's a town that could use a

clown like you.

We don't need another clown with a gun.

Do you realize you are asking me to defect?

No, no, no. I'm just suggesting that maybe we could go down to the Hofbrau

get some schnapps and, you know, discuss the possibility.

Yeah, yeah.

I'll tell you my exact story.

If I decide to defect, could we be friends?

Of course, of course.

Not you, the sexpot!

the side of the wall too long.

Hey, Maxie.

Sure, we could be friends.

See? That's it. We're all just one big happy family of friends.

Now, give me the gun.

Before we go to America, can I go back and get my big floppy clown shoes?

Well, if you don't have to do that, you can wear them.

Rouser shoes, all about the same size.