All language subtitles for benson_s05e08_you_cant_give_it_away

Okay, sweetheart, why don't you set up
over there and we'll shoot by the

fireplace, okay?

Benson, I gotta talk to you.

Krauss, we need this room.

What is going on here? It's a
photography session with the governor.

first day of the state lottery.

Nobody ever tells me anything.

I could tell you a few things.

In your ear, if it's a can of beer.

What's up, Pete?

Benson, remember when you asked me to
arrange some airtime for you to discuss

whatever it was that you wanted to
discuss?

Yes, I remember.

What was it that you wanted to discuss?

The new unemployment benefit rules.

Knew it was something boring.

I got you six minutes on Coffee with
Connie.

Coffee with Connie?

Yeah, two weeks from Wednesday, 7 a .m.
We all set, Pete. All ready to go, sir.

It's the big day.

All right, let's get this over with. I'm
on a very tight schedule. You know Mr.

Montez, head of the state lottery board.
Benson, how are you? How are you, John?

Could we get these pictures taken?

Such a waste of time.

It's an even trade. Taking your pictures
is a waste of film.

How do you want to do this?

Well, I want to get a picture of each of
you buying a lottery ticket from me and

then a picture of me presenting that
plaque to Mr. Montez to commemorate the

opening of the state lottery.

Sounds pretty good. As long as I'm here,
why don't I be the first one? Peter!

Pete, I can't change a 50.

I don't want to change. I want 50
tickets. Here we are, Governor. Tickets

through 50.

Uh, Benson, you're next. Peter, do you
mind? I am in a hurry.

Hold it, hold it. I just want to run a
comb through my hair.

Clayton, why do you have to act like
such a jerk? Peter, I told you I have

places to go, people to see.

Children to frighten.

Oh, Clayton, you look fine.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Is my
tie straight? It's fine.

It feels like it's crooked.

It's fine. Benson, take my place while I
check my tie. Oh, come on, Clayton,

good grief.

You should have told him the truth.
What?

His tie's on straight, his head's on
crooked.

I tell him that all the time. He doesn't
listen. How many tickets you want? Just

one. Here we go.

Ryan, hair comb, tie in place.

Still surrounding an ugly face.

Now, this picture is by Debbie Maxwell,
and I guess it's supposed to be me on a

bicycle.

I'd like to thank Mrs. Henderson's third
grade class for these lovely pictures

of yours truly.

We'll be right back.

But I guess you know that. Yes. And I
know who you are, Benson Dubois. I saw

your picture in the paper buying a
lottery ticket. Yeah, well... I bought

too, but I won't win. I don't have that
kind of luck.

My husband jocks the winner in our
family. He's a hockey player. Did you

that? Yes, I... Oh, what am I saying?

Everybody knows that.

I just can't help it. My life's an open
book. Oh, you're on next. Good luck.

Is she gonna let me talk?

Come on, it's your business, Benson.
Just go with the flow. You're going to

to keep quiet, fella. Now, get out.

Who is this? Hitler?

Come on.

Can I have some coffee? It's in the pot,
fella.

We're going in five seconds.

Four, three, two.

We're back, and I hope you are, too.

My guest today is Benson Dubois, our
state budget director, who wants to talk

us today about what?

Well, let's ask him. Welcome, Mr.
DuBois. Oh, thank you, Connie. Thank

I'm so glad to have you with us. What's
on your mind today?

Well, as you probably know, we have just
recently liberalized the unemployment

benefits, and I just dropped by to fill
your viewers in on the new rules. Oh,

good idea. Get a pencil, girls. This is
important information.

And since the, uh, rules... are rather
complex, I'll just be covering the major

ones.

What is it, my time up? Oh, no.

My noodles are ready.

Her noodles are ready.

Yes. Well, anyway, as I was saying...
Why don't we go over to the kitchen and

you can fill us in on unemployment while
I finish that pasta salad I was making.

Connie, I really wanted to talk about
the rules.

Oh, it's okay. We're listening.

You need an apron.

Here, we'll put this over your head.

Thank you so much.

Now, you were saying...

As I was saying, the qualification

period has been changed from 26 weeks to
20 weeks.

Oh, that is good news.

Why don't you mix the mayonnaise into
the noodles while I finish chopping up

celery? Yeah, why don't I do that?

And the second major change is the
raising of the maximum benefit from 98

$114. Hopefully, this will help to ease
some of the burden of being unemployed.

But not as much as winning the state
lottery would.

Well, that's a long shot, Connie. This
is something you can count on. Could I

get up close and personal for just a
moment?

Why, a shock on a road trip?

What would you... do with the money

if you won the lottery?

Well, I haven't thought about it,
Connie.

Maybe if you won... Just keep on
stirring. You could use the money to

of our less fortunate viewers.

I think any of us who have the means
should reach out to those in need.

Isn't this done yet?

Oh, add the parmesan.

So, if you won...

You'd give the money away.

Well, since I haven't won, that's a very
hypothetical question.

Oh, but seriously, don't you think there
are people who need the money more than

you? Lots of them. Then you'd give it
away.

Sure, sure. If I won, I'd give it away.
You're right.

Sweetheart, these noodles are beginning
to knot up.

Does anybody know when the winning
numbers are published?

They're in this morning's paper. Oh,
good. Let me have it.

Great, we can all check our numbers
together.

Okay.

Get your tickets out. Oh, you too, Mr.
Dubois? Okay, let's skip over the little

winners and just read the big one. Is
everybody ready?

For $50 ,000, the winning ticket is

000051.

Well, Benton, that's Benton!

Rainwear for your pet.

But I... Here

comes the millionaire.

Thank you, Pete. $50 ,000.

Are you complaining?

Not at all.

Congratulations, Benson.

Thank you very much.

That's something, huh?

Of course, you realize you're going to
have to give most of it to the IRS.

Well, no matter what they leave me, it's
got to be more than you got for

straightening your tie.

He doesn't have to give any to the IRS.

He said he was going to give it all to
charity.

No, I didn't say that. Pasta Brain said
that.

That's what I heard you say, Benson.

Of course, I will give some of the money
to charity.

Hey, Benson, congratulations.

Thank you, sugar. Our church is raffling
off a TV. How'd you like to buy a

ticket? Sure, I'll buy one. I'm on a
roll.

Great. There you go.

Anybody else?

Yeah, I'll buy ten.

Anything from this lottery experience?

Yeah, you're right. Make it 11.

Oh, Benson, I'm glad you're here.

You really put your foot in your mouth
this time.

Everybody else began with
congratulations, Benson.

A lot of people heard you say you were
going to give that money away.

I didn't say that. Yeah, well, tell them
that. Who? A lot of people. They're

waiting in your office.

What?

All these people want money? Uh -huh.

What about that guy with the sign?
What's he need money for?

He wants to rent the billboard.

For one night?

What do you want me to do?

Well, sort them out. I'll talk to as
many as I can.

Okay.

All right.

Edible sand.

Busts and walks like a duck.

Yeah? It's me, Benson.

Yeah?

There's a Dr.

Gillespie out there. Denise, I told you
I don't want to see no more of them

people. But he's a doctor.

Who does he look like? Very
distinguished. Nice suit. A briefcase.

Sounds safe. Send him in.

Dr. Gillespie.

Good afternoon, Mr. Dubois.

Good afternoon, Doctor. I'm sorry to
take up your time.

That's quite all right. Have a seat.

Thank you. I understand you're
interested in donating some of your

to worthy causes.

Well, you could say the word was out.

Yes, I saw your outer office.

That's quite an assemblage.

So, how can I help you?

Well, Mr. Dubois, I'm a professor of
astronomy.

Just how much do you know about the
planet Venus?

Well, I suppose about as much as the
next guy. It's the second planet from

sun, home of...

50 -foot women and killing tomatoes.

Good, then you'll understand where I'm
coming from.

Maybe not. Where are you coming from?

Well, what's important here is where I'm
going.

I'd like to spend Christmas on Venus.

Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

You see, I've converted a 1955
Studebaker to space travel.

Yes, well, that is extremely
interesting.

Excuse me.

If it's a nice day, we can roll the
windows down.

Denise!

Doctor, you see, I had decided that I
would...

Restrict all my charitable donations to
earthbound activities.

Oh, well, that's perfectly
understandable.

Yes?

Denise,

would you have security show the doctor
to his car?

Sure, where is it?

Well, it shouldn't be very hard to spot.
It's a 1955 Studebaker on a booster

rocket.

Right this way, Dr.

Gillespie.

What?

I'm sorry, Benson.

She whizzed.

Huh? What?

Listen,

we have a problem.

What's the problem, sir?

We've been getting some pretty
disturbing phone calls. Well, I'll trade

weirdos show up here in person.

Actually, Benson, several senators have
received complaints from their

constituency about a member of the
government winning the lottery.

Now, wait a minute. That's perfectly
legal in this state. I won that money

and square. Oh, but that isn't the
point. No, the point is that if people

faith in the lottery, they'll stop
buying tickets.

And if the lottery fails, your budget is
going to be short $6 million.

Not to mention the political cost.

Oh, yes, because... And, of course, you
did agree to give away the money. I

didn't agree to anything.

Look, Governor, I have every intention
of giving some of that money to charity.

He wants you to give it all away.

Why would I want to give it all away?

Well, Benson, let me give you a couple
of good reasons. First, it'll give you a

tax deduction.

Second, it will help a lot of needy
people.

And third, I'd stand a much better
chance of not being impeached.

Impeached? Who's talking impeachment,
Clayton?

I merely mentioned the possibility.

Think it over, Benson.

I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

Giving it away would be the right thing.

Oh, and by the way, Benson, while you're
thinking of worthy causes, don't forget

that the governor's benefit for the
Myerson Children's Clinic is coming up

I'll be sure to consider it, sir.
Assuming you think sick children are

Whoever knew having money could be this
much fun?

Check the parking lot, Benson. Okay,
Denise.

Sit down.

What's that all about?

Well, now that I've decided to give the
money away, they follow me wherever I

go. A woman came up to my table at lunch
the other day and demanded $3 ,000 to

study the toxic effects of kitty litter.

Weirdos have gotten to you, huh? It's
not just the weirdos. Even the people

legitimate claims drive you crazy.

If you give it to A, B is offended. If
you give it to C, D is offended. And E

F, they're all offended.

Who knows what's the right decision?

You know, Bunsen, this reminds me of a
story.

Governor, it's been a long day.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

About a hundred years ago, my family
braved the frontier in a Conestoga

You have any idea how difficult that
was?

I know it ain't first class on a 747.

Well, anyway.

Somewhere in the Great Plains, they came
across a fork in the road, and they

didn't know which way to take.

They argued and they argued and they
argued and they argued and they argued

they argued and they argued and they
argued and they argued. I get it, I get

They had a long argument.

Yeah, right.

All except my great -great -uncle
Nelson.

You know what he did?

He picked a direction, hopped on a mule,
and took off.

The rest of them never did agree, so
they turned around and went home.

That's a good idea. I think that's what
I'll do.

The point is, make a choice and commit
to it, because you'll never

please everybody.

All right, I think I see what you're
saying. I'll call a press conference

tomorrow and announce my choices.

It's all clear, Benson.

Good. Well, wait a minute. Don't you
want to hear what happened to Uncle

Well, I don't think I should keep Denise
waiting here.

In no hurry.

Good, good. Sit down. This is kind of
interesting.

About ten miles down the road, Nelson
ran into a pack of angry pumas.

They ripped him in half and left him for
dead.

By the way, check the parking lot for
pumas.

It worked out.

Nelson survived.

And he became a famous wrestler.

In fact, he invented the half -Nelson.

Governor, that's not a true story, and
you know it.

Well, Benson, a story doesn't have to be
true.

It just has to make its point.

You mean out of all the stories you've
told me, none of them have been true?

Why, sure they have, Benson. Lots of
them.

You just have to figure out which ones.

Benson, Benson, Benson. I know that
we've had our disagreements in the past,

I want you to know that I think what you
are doing here today is very...

What do you mean?

All right, let's just get to the point.

The kind of publicity that you're
getting for this little stunt is going

you a very popular political figure. And
with the proper handling, you could go

right to the top. But you are going to
need someone by your side who is capable

of saying no.

And you want that job?

Yes.

No.

You'll have to make up your mind right
away.

No.

Think about it.

No.

We'll talk later.

Boy, they are working my tail off today.
I'm beat.

Oh, Crouch, you look nice.

Did you do something to your hair?

Baloney, you're just trying to set me up
for one of your cheap jokes.

Why can't you ever take a compliment?

Because I know that with you, behind
every compliment, there is an insult. It

makes me nervous. I'd rather you just
insulted me and got on with it. Okay.

Do they cut your hair or do you just
weed your scalp?

Thank you. I feel better now.

Fourth sandwich.

Oh, yeah?

Can I touch the $50 ,000 check before
you give it away? I don't have it yet,

Pete. Mr. Montez is going to bring it
over, and then I give him this ticket,

he gives me the check.

Benson, could you move that for me?
Sure.

Welcome.

Well, Benson, I guess we're all here
now.

Hello, Benson. Hello, John.

It's a big day.

Yes, yes. I'm about to say a quick hello
and goodbye.

to $50 ,000.

Benson has decided to divide the money
among four different organizations.

Ah, how very clever, Benson.

Butter your bread on all four sides.

No.

Right now, if you give me the ticket,
I'll give you the check.

Sure.

Where is it? I had it here.

Oh, I put it... I put it right over
here, where the ketchup stain is.

Who made this ketchup stain?

Gee, I guess I did. I'm sorry. I'll pay
to have it cleaned.

I don't care about the tablecloth. I
want the ticket.

You mean you lost the lottery ticket?

No, I didn't lose it. I put it right
there.

Is that it?

That's part of it. I want all of it.

I must have swallowed it.

Somebody get me a flashlight. I'm going
in.

Don't get excited here.

Everybody knows you won.

Well, I'm sorry, but the rules
specifically state I can't turn over the

you cannot produce a ticket. Well, I
can't produce a ticket. Would you settle

for an X -ray? I'm sorry, Benson.

What'll happen to the $50 ,000?

Oh, it reverts to the state treasury.

Easy come, easy go, Benson. Wait a
minute. Wouldn't that be called

revenues?

Sure, that's right. It reverts to the
governor's discretionary fund.

Well, you mean I get it? I didn't even
buy a ticket.

I can follow this.

Paragraph 28, subsection 11 of the state
treasury code says, all monies not

accrued through taxation, commerce, or
war will be considered serendipitous

revenues whose distribution will be at
the discretion of the governor.

Want to hear the next paragraph?

No, I think that about covers it,
Denise.

Then I can give it away?

Sure, sure.

Benson, was one of those four charities
you talked about, the Meyerson

Children's Clinic?

Yes. Good.

Then I am going to give this money to
Benson's four charities. All right.