Original subtitles

Okay. Ticket card. Any card.

Put that in and put it back in.

Okay.

Cover.

Okay.

There you go.

Okay.

Seven of clubs, right?

Why'd you do that?

You mean it worked?

I mean, never to play poker with you.

Oh, I haven't played poker in years. You play?

Well, not really.

Until I joined the army, I thought a full house meant all your relatives were

living with you.

Oh, I'm not any good, but I love it. Every Tuesday night down at the lumber

mill, we'd have a regular game.

You know, it's one of the disadvantages of being governor. I don't see my old

poker buddies.

Well, why don't you get a game together?

Nah. Why not?

Nah, I haven't talked to those guys in years.

That's no excuse. They're friends.

Nah, they're probably friends.

Is this a private conversation you're having?

You know, Benson, you're right. First thing in the morning, I'm going to make

some calls. A game would be fun.

Thank you, Benson.

Well, good night.

Good night? Aren't you going to show me how you did this trick?

Why, Benson, it was magic!

him to scream?

Stop making jokes, Benson.

Be careful.

He's small, but he's fiery.

Be cool. It's only me.

Michael.

Sorry I scared you, Miss Krause. Hi, Benson.

What are you doing here in the middle of the night, Mike?

I was looking for you. In my room?

I thought I was climbing into Benson's room.

Mike, what are you doing here?

Look, I need a place to stay for a while.

Well, what's wrong with where you live?

Things have changed. I don't live there anymore.

Since when?

Since, uh, since I became an orphan.

Orphan? Oh, I see, I see. Here, have a seat.

Well, when did all this take place?

Yesterday. You became an orphan yesterday?

See, my dad was driving to work, and he saw this parade.

Parade? Yeah, and Fannie Mae watching the parade was my mother.

And where were you?

Uh, English class.

So anyway, there were hundreds of elephants at the parade, and this one...

starts to go crazy and runs right at my mom.

My dad tried to hit her with the car.

You know, the same my mom.

Anyway, the car was totaled and he died.

And what happened to your mother?

The elephant fell on her.

You know, when I was your age, the same thing happened to a friend of mine. It

did? Yeah.

The parade, the car was totaled, elephant fell on the mother, everything.

What happened to him?

Well, when this kid's parents found out he was telling that story, he wasn't

allowed to watch TV for eight years.

This is a kid that missed Mary Tyler Moore entirely.

You wouldn't let them do that to me, would you? Mike, I'm gonna have to call

your mother. Good luck finding her. What's that supposed to mean? She dumped

on my father and his new family about a month ago.

Said she was going to California to visit a sick uncle.

So you ran away from home?

No, she ran away from home.

Is this another one of your stories?

No, Benson. I swear it's the truth.

Then I'm going to have to call your father.

Can I just stay here just for tonight?

Mike, your father will be worried sick. I'm going to have to call him.

Okay.

Do me a favor.

Don't tell him the elephant story.

Would you like some more cocoa?

No, thanks, Mr.

I'm really sorry about this, Benson. That's no problem, Frank.

I'm sorry about the kid. Ah, kids will be kids.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I got to go put the screen back in my window.

Well, Mike?

You're not mad at me, are you, Dad? Yeah, I'm mad. I'm disappointed.

You know, running away won't help this problem.

Too bad Thelma doesn't run away.

I told you not to call her Thelma. You call her mom or mother or something.

She's not my mother. She's my stepmother.

I feel just like Cinderella.

You two want to be alone for a few minutes? No.

We've been in your way long enough.

I'm not going back there and let our kids beat up on me.

Nobody beats up on you, son. They boss me around.

I gotta do everything they want. It'll only get worse with you out of town.

I can't get that screen back in my window.

I'll give you a hand, class.

Mike, you knock that screen out. You go help her. She's got a knife.

Give me that.

What are you gonna do?

Can I get you some coffee or something? Yeah, that coffee'd be great.

I don't know what I'm going to do about that kid.

Well, your mother probably said the same thing about you, man.

The trouble is, he's got a point.

Thelma and her kids, they're doing their best.

But you know Mike, he doesn't always make it easy.

Well, it's just going to take a little time.

You're right about that.

Right now, I haven't got the time.

Why not?

I've got to fly to Houston for a job interview tomorrow.

In the meanwhile, I don't know what I'm going to do about Mike.

I don't want to leave him at the house and just run away again.

Benson, could you do me a favor? Hey, Frank, don't ask, please, man. No, I

wouldn't.

I can't take him with me.

Yes, you can. Strap him to the wings.

Listen, I'm in a bind.

Well, how long are you going to be gone?

Not that long. I'll be back in no time.

What's no time?

Only five days.

Five days? Man, I'll be over the edge in five days.

Benson, please.

I got the screen in.

How would you like to spend a couple of days with me while your dad's in

Houston? You'd really let me stay with you? Yeah, on one condition.

I knew there was a catch.

I expect you to help out around the house.

Dinner house?

No, no, no. My place.

Oh, sure. I'll do anything you want. And I don't want you giving Benson any

trouble. Me? Come on, Dad.

Benson's my buddy.

I'll drop him by in the morning with his stuff.

Okay, Frank. Good luck with the interview.

Yeah, I really appreciate this.

Don't forget where you left him.

Mike, it's time to get up.

I am up.

I see.

Well, well, well, what is this?

I made breakfast for you.

Hey, that's very thoughtful of you, Mike. I did last night's dishes, too. Of

course, I got them dirty again making breakfast.

When did you make this toast?

It's delicious, yeah.

I'm going to savor it for hard times.

What is this on the cereal?

I couldn't find your sugar, so I used boysenberry syrup.

Boysenberry syrup, huh?

I don't think I can let you have root beer for breakfast.

It's not for me. It's for you. Mmm. I had a glass of orange juice. Uh -huh.

Woo -wee.

Boy, they really start you off in the morning there.

Well,

listen. This has been exquisite.

Uh, look at the time, boy.

I better get your lunch together. How many sandwiches do you want?

For what?

I'm gonna make your lunch.

How many sandwiches you want?

Zero.

I hate sandwiches.

Oh, you hate sandwiches?

Well, then you're going to lose weight around here.

Because sandwiches are the kind of specialty of the house.

And besides, this is my famous egg salad.

You told me you liked egg salad. But I don't like bread.

Oh, you don't like bread. Well, this is all I got to put it in, Mike.

That's your problem.

Oh, I see.

One egg salad, a whole of bread.

and this is gross.

Would you rather be wearing it?

Look, just give me a dollar for lunch and forget the whole thing.

You can forget the dollar. You got an apple and some egg salad in the bag. Now

get your book so you'll be late for school.

Did you do your homework?

This isn't my homework. This is Rosemary Henderson.

What are you doing with her homework?

She paid me 50 cents to do it.

You charge people 50 cents to do their homework?

Why don't you stay with him?

So, Marcy, did you decide?

Do you want to buy a raffle ticket?

Katie, if I won, what would I do with a chainsaw?

That's not the point.

It's to help the school band.

They're only 50 cents.

Okay.

I'll take one.

I don't have any change.

Okay, okay, two.

It wasn't a fight.

We were just goofing off.

Well, when I drove up, you were punching him. I was pushing him. Pushing him

where? He was already on the ground.

Go to the kitchen and do your homework.

Homework? Don't you know anything about kids? I'm supposed to be playing now.

He's right, Benson.

If I didn't have to hustle these raffle tickets, I'd be out playing. They're

right, Benson.

When did we choose upsides?

Okay, go on out and play, but in an hour, you hit the books.

Come on, Katie.

help you sell those tickets?

We'll never sell them one at a time. What we need is one rich pigeon.

Well, see, let me tell you something.

Being a father is tough enough without having you loosen my already slippery

grip on authority.

Are you talking to the mother of two? I just thought you might like the benefit

of my vast experience.

I don't need it. I got the benefit of Mike's vast experience.

Hey, I just bought ten chances on a chainsaw.

What are you going to do with a chainsaw?

Oh, I won't win.

Hey, is the governor in?

He's on the phone.

I'll just sneak in. I've got to borrow some law books.

Would you and your divorce lawyer break up?

This isn't my divorce. I've got a speeding ticket.

And you're going to fight it? Of course I'm going to fight it.

Well, are you speeding or not?

What's that got to do with it?

Do you want to see the governor?

No, I gotta see Clayton. I'm supposed to see him in the morning, but I can't. So

I want to find out if he'll do me a favor. A favor?

Are you thinking about our Clayton? Well,

I've got no choice.

I've got to see Mike's teacher in the morning. Why? Is he having trouble with

his schoolwork? Oh, no. School's no problem for him.

Has to do with a bag of egg salad.

Care to explain that to me? Well, I thought you had all this vast

Didn't you ever drop water balloons out of a window?

Yes.

This is the same idea, using eggshells.

I hope the principal can get his jacket clean.

Ah, Benson, having a little hit down?

Uh, Clayton, I need to talk to you about our meeting tomorrow morning. Uh, could

we postpone it? I have to meet with Mike's teacher in the morning.

Fine, no problem. 1 .15.

What? 1 .15. You can make it then, can't you?

Yeah, I just didn't think it would be so easy.

Vincent, taking time out of your busy schedule and mine to look after that

man is truly admirable.

Now, I realize that as chief of staff I could have insisted that you be here at

9 .30 as agreed upon, but what would be the point?

You wouldn't have shown anyway.

Oh, wait a minute.

Am I wrong?

I'll see you at 1 .15.

He always has to have the last word.

What do you mean? I had the last word.

Yeah, 115.

Big comeback.

Oh,

hi, Benson. How's it going with Mike?

Ah, just dandy.

Did you get that poker game together yet? Not really. None of my old friends

wants to play.

And I don't understand it. I was always the big loser.

You know, I think our relationships changed since I became governor. I had a

more fun when I was known as Easy Money.

Vincent, Mike fell out of the tree and hurt himself.

Where is he? Outside.

Oh, little Mikey.

Can you see anything?

No, I can't. Well, what's going on?

I don't know. They took him into another room.

Then why are you looking through that window?

It makes me feel better.

Come on, Benson.

You might as well sit down. This may take a while.

Well, I hope his arm isn't broken.

Looks broken to me.

If you don't mind, I'll get a second opinion.

Oh, hey, how's Mike? Mike who?

Mike Hopkins. I brought him in over 40 minutes ago. Oh, yes, the gunshot wound.

Oh, a broken arm.

He's probably an X -ray. Probably?

What's your number?

Number? Your admissions number. It's on your form.

Well, how do I know?

Benson, I have it.

It's 5681... Hey, hey, I'll get you on the number.

Benson, Benson, calm down.

I should never have gotten mixed up in this whole business. I'm not cut out to

be a parent.

That doesn't stop most people.

Hey, I thought you wanted the number. I didn't need the number. You gave me his

name. Anyway, I checked on your little boy. He has a broken arm. I knew it.

a clean break. The doctor's in there setting his arm now. Just sit down and

relax. Relax? Shouldn't I be in there? Do you have a medical degree?

No, I mean, I want to see Mike.

When he's done.

Done? What is he, a pot roast?

How's the picture?

Great.

This broken arm means I'm going to miss Little League tryouts.

I didn't know you played baseball. I'm nine years old. What do you think I did,

dabble in the stock market?

Gosh, you're cute.

You play baseball, huh?

Yeah, and I'm pretty good. I made Pee Wee All -Stars two years in a row.

Last year, I hit 731.

Oh, with stats like that, you should be making $400 ,000 a year.

Yeah, but now I'm on the injury list.

Is that what you want to be when you grow up, a baseball player?

Beats what my dad does.

Well, Mike, your dad drives a bulldozer. That's a good paying job.

Besides, you got a family to support.

But I'm not part of that family.

Yes, you are, Mike. Your father loves you. You heard how worried he was on the

phone. And he's very anxious that everything work out between you and the

family. Meanwhile, he's going to Alaska.

Alaska? He's in Houston.

Yeah, to see about a job in Alaska.

Well, he is coming back here for a minute.

What's the matter, Benson?

You afraid you're going to be stuck with me?

That thought had crossed my mind.

You don't like having me around, do you?

Oh, of course I do. You know, I'm just giving you a hard time.

Benson, do I have to go live with that family?

You have that much trouble with those kids?

Yeah, they hate me.

Come on, Mike, you're exaggerating. They don't hate you.

Maybe not.

But you know what Gregory does?

He steals stuff from me. Like what?

Well, last week, Gregory went through my stuff and found this bag of candy corn.

I've been saving it since Halloween, and he gave it to his dog.

Well, Mike, there's lots of candy in the world.

Then the dog puked in Thelma's closet.

to beat you.

Gregory blamed it on me, so Thelma sent me to my room for the rest of the night.

You know, it ain't easy being a kid.

Well, it's not that much fun being an adult, either.

Hey, when are you gonna sign my cast?

When you ask me to.

What do you want me to do, beg?

I assume you've asked me.

What do you want me to write?

To my friend, Mike.

To my...

Fred. And sign it Willie Starger.

Okay, where shall I sign it?

Right up here near Willie Starger.

Okay.

Excuse me, sir, have you seen Marcy?

Ah, can I help you?

Well, I need someone to type up this legal opinion for me. Oh, take me

Haunting pack, haunting pack.

The only reason I took typing was because Barbara Carol Yost was in that

Oh, boy, did I have a crush on her.

It didn't do me any good. I never learned to type.

And I went to the prom of Mildred Oberdorfer.

You want to sign my chest?

Oh, sure, Mike.

There we go.

What's that?

My initials.

That guy's spooky.

The governor signed my cats.

Hey, that's very nice. Thank you, governor.

Oh, sure. Hey, Benson, you want to be in the poker game?

You finally got that game together, huh? Well, if you say yes, there'll be two

of us.

Just the two of us?

Two's not enough for poker, is it?

I'll play.

Yeah, well, if we need an extra man, we'll call you.

How about me and you playing some crazy eights? You're on. Ten cents a point.

Can you afford that?

Wonderful little kid, isn't he?

Come on, let's get out of here. Your dad will be here soon. Thank you very much,

Governor. See you later.

Crazy AIDS.

I haven't played that since I was 11.

I'll never get that group together again.

Hi, guys.

Hi. How'd it go with the traffic ticket?

Oh, I beat it. So why the unhappy look?

Judge cited me for contempt of court.

Why? Well, I took along one of Katie's radio -controlled cars to demonstrate my

argument. As soon as I turned it on, something went haywire in the judge's

hearing aid.

I guess it startled him because he jumped up and knocked over the flag.

The eagle on the flag hit the bailiff on the forehead, and as he fell over, he

spilled a cup of hot coffee in the clerk's lap.

She jumps up, screaming and waving her arms and poked the judge in the eye.

Well, that was an accident.

That's not contempt of court.

No. I think the contempt part was when I started laughing.

Mike, you shouldn't be running through the house, waving that cast around. The

two of you go outside and play something quiet. Come on! Walk, walk, walk!

Come on!

Out!

Okay, now you two go and play in Katie's room and keep it down to a dull roar.

Out, out!

Cross, I told them to go outside.

And I told them they couldn't.

You want him to get his clothes dirty? It's bad enough you're returning him

a broken arm.

Bet you're gonna miss Mike when he's gone, huh? Yeah, like the hostages

Iran.

Well, I know one thing. He's gonna miss you.

Hey, Benson, look who's here.

Hey, welcome back, Frank. Thanks, Benson. Thanks for taking care of Mike.

I'll go get my suitcase.

Boy, he's really, really looking forward to you getting back.

How'd the job interview go? They'll let me know in a couple weeks.

Good luck. Oh, sorry about his arm. Hey, look, I appreciate the call. It was

nice to know there was somebody around who cared.

Okay, I'm ready to go, Dad.

Well, aren't you going to say goodbye?

Oh, sure.

Goodbye, Marcy. Goodbye, Mike. Goodbye, Miss Krause. Come again soon, Michael.

Well, Benson, you lived through it again.

Yeah, seems hard to believe, doesn't it?

If I had two good arms, I'd give you a hug.

Well, I got two good arms.

So long, Michael.

So long, Benson.

If you ever have an ex... your tickets to the ball game, you know my number.

The only ball games I want to see are the ones you play in.

Only five more weeks. Okay.

Thanks again, Benson. All right, Frank. Take care.

You know something? I think I'm going to miss that little turkey.

Nah.

Half charge.

You've got to reduce the sarcasm.

I paid the fine.

I'll open, but this is my last hand.

No way, Tin Horn. You've got to give the rest of us a chance to get even.

If everybody ends up even, what's the point of playing?

Okay, cards.

Two. Clayton, two.

I'll take three.

Governor, three.

Two. What about you, Pete? I'll play these.

Uh -huh.

Once a dealer takes four.

Del Foldo.

Governor?

One big red one.

I'll see you a dime and raise you a quarter.

On you, Pete, 35.

Okay, tell me again. Does a flush beat a straight?

Yes. And a full house beats a flush? Right.

Okay, I'll see you at 35 cents.

A pair of sixes.

Governor, Browse hasn't bet yet. She's only got two fours.

I saved you 35 cents.

You stood pat with a pair of fixes and I folded with a pair of jacks.

I was bluffing.

Come on, Governor, it's between you and me.

Okay, I'll see you. I really hate to do this to you, Benson. I have a straight.

You got a straight? You took three cards.

Yeah, I saved the eight and nine.

No, no, no, it just fell.

Welcome to the Twilight Zone.

I'm down $15.

Well, I'm up nine bucks.

You lost every hand. How can you be ahead?

It's playing with your chips.