Original subtitles

Well, Benson, what have you lost this time?

My patience.

Perhaps I have what you want.

Cross, you ain't got nothing I want.

Even the guest list for the costume party?

Why did you get that? I told Marcy to leave this on my desk. And I told her to

give it to me.

Whatever ends up on that desk disappears forever.

In that case, hop aboard.

Benson, I have a complaint about the dinner.

I wasn't too crazy about breakfast.

Costume dinner for the Bakona ambassador.

Daddy just told me there's a $100 plate donation.

So? Don't you think that's a little deep for one dinner?

That includes dessert.

Now, Katie, the money is to help build a new hospital in Bakoa.

Memo from Clayton, Benson.

I can tell. It's in gray.

So, Katie, have you decided on a costume for the party?

Pete wants me to wear the traditional costume of Bakoa.

I think that might be fun.

Benson, they wear bananas on their heads.

Well, I wish I could decide what to wear.

You are wearing a costume?

Well, sure.

I saw an author on David Hartman just this morning who said it's a very

way to act out your fantasy.

I would never act out my fantasies in public.

I would never act out my fantasies in private.

Never? Don't push her. Just like her.

What about you, Benson?

What are you wearing?

I'm going to wear my blue suit with the beige shirt and striped tie.

Read Clayton's memo. You'll find it very interesting.

In keeping with the spirit of the evening, all house staff will be

appear for work at the Bocco and dinner in costume.

P .S. You too, Benson. How nice, a personal touch.

Costumes? What am I supposed to wear?

Why don't you leave town and come as a missing person?

Benson in?

Unfortunately.

My name is Howard. I'm a friend of the gardener, Lou.

He's sick.

Lou's sick?

Right. He asked me to fill in for him.

Didn't he call?

Excuse me.

Hello? Lou, what a surprise.

Listen, Benson, I can't make it today, so I sent a friend over to work for me.

Yeah, he just got here.

What happened, Lou? Your grandma die again?

Oh, no.

I'm just not feeling too good.

Well, stay put till it passes. Oh, yes.

I intend to.

Bye.

Okay, take it easy.

You know what to do. No problem.

Benson, I have made up my mind. I am not going to dress up like some funny,

strange creature in weird clothes.

Yeah, well, then you're just going to have to get a costume.

Now, Ambassador Corso is personally supervising all the security

Come in.

Do you want to see me, Clayton? Yeah, I'll be...

I'll see you in a while. No, wait. We have great news about the party.

We're going to bob for apples?

That might be fun.

Governor. I'm sorry, Benson. Maybe next time.

What do you want to see me about, Clayton? All right, Benson. What we are

to tell you must remain strictly confidential.

Which means no press, no leaks until the right time.

Ambassador Corso is being accompanied by the Golden Monkey.

I want his wife to find out.

Oh, I think she knows.

The golden monkey.

Isn't that great?

Is it housebroken?

For the benefit of the uninformed, the golden monkey happens to be Bacoa's

national symbol, a pre -Columbian statuette, and the island's most ancient

revered artifact.

Uh -huh. The whole gizmo is made of gold and covered in precious jewels.

Benson, we're talking big coverage. We're talking the people section of time

the time section of people.

The ambassador is displaying the monkey at the party as a gesture of thanks.

And you, Benson, are to cooperate with the ambassador's people and arrange for

the proper display of the golden monkey. We want to be sure that it gets the

respect it deserves during its stay with us. I'll change the sheets in the guest

room.

Governor, while we're talking about this party, I'd like to discuss my costume.

Don't tell me what you're coming as, Bensel. I don't want to be surprised.

No, no, no, no, no, sir. I mean, I think the staff could do a much better job

working without costume.

Uh, uh, the costume party was the ambassador's idea.

Well, it was a bad one.

Yeah, but see, the party coincides with Bacoa's national festival. I mean,

costumes are traditional.

And I'm afraid unless everybody comes in costume, the ambassador may take it as

a sign of disrespect.

There will be no exceptions.

What's the monkey coming as, a chicken?

Besides, when do I have time to go looking for a costume? Oh, don't worry.

get the costumes for the staff. Yeah, thank you, Peter. I'll take care of my

own. I plan to wear something suitable to my character.

Who are you going to get to be the front end?

You heard me, Jake. The golden monkey.

And I'm giving you the exclusive.

This is big, Jake. Real big.

We're talking gold. We're talking emeralds. We're talking rubies.

You name the stone, it's on this chimp.

Pete, there's a guy holding for you on line three. Yeah, I know.

Remember, Jake, this is an exclusive. Just for you. Right.

Hello, Sam. Yeah, thanks for holding. I got a hot exclusive for you. Yeah, just

for you.

Would I lie to you, Sam? Why not? You lied to Jake.

I hope the display case is ready.

Ambassador Kors is on his way over with the golden monkey.

Which one of them's driving?

Well, I've been reading all about it. It's just fantastic.

Do you know that monkey is 12 pounds of solid gold?

Mm, I could fill a lot of teeth.

That's worth a lot of money. So's my dentist.

Yes, all right, this way, Mr. Ambassador.

Oh, ah, sir, I'd like you to meet Governor Gatling's executive secretary,

Hill, a most reliable and hard -working member of our staff.

My pleasure.

Oh, no, no, sir. It's her pleasure.

And this is Peter Downey, the governor's press representative. He's highly

experienced, extremely dedicated.

How nice to meet you.

And this gentleman?

This is Benson.

Benson? He set up the display.

What a privilege to meet you.

In my country, only the most respected officers are allowed to touch the shrine

of the Golden Monkey.

Mr. Ambassador, I can't tell you what a thrill it is to have such a famous

treasure at this mansion.

You've heard so much about it. And you shall not be disappointed.

What cannot describe the beauty of our sacred Golden Monkey?

I hope he brought the sacred vacuum cleaner.

Ready? Yes.

What do you think?

Aha!

Well, it certainly is the most pre -Columbian thing I've ever seen.

I don't think I've ever seen a monkey so short.

What can I say?

That's a monkey all right.

Thank you.

It is a true work of art.

One better looking thing is knocking over three milk bottles.

are you supposed to be?

Heidi.

Well, it doesn't Heidi enough.

Well, don't blame me. Pete picked out the costume.

Besides, you don't look so hot.

I never saw a black pirate before.

That's because they're all below deck playing basketball.

Gretchen, we're out of meatballs.

Coming on.

Do you believe this costume?

What's wrong with that costume?

It itches.

I can't dance. I can't sit down. And no one talks to me because I blend into the

drapes.

Isn't anyone here working?

The ambassador has requested more Bacohen meatballs.

Why, don't he have enough on his staff?

That is a magnificent costume.

This happens to be a family heirloom, first worn by a distant cousin in the

century. Did he ever wear it to Yankee Stadium? Because there's a big mustard

stain on the front.

Oh, no!

I can't go back out there looking like this. Sure you can. Wear a mask.

Clayton, I will clean it for you. Come with me to the laundry room.

Hell of a price to pay for same -day service, huh?

Boy, I must have eaten a hundred meatballs.

You guys aren't still angry about the costumes, are you?

I don't know what you're complaining about. This hat smells like a buffalo

roamed in it.

Hello?

Yeah. Tell your man I'm dressed as a...

Hi,

Benson. How are you?

Fine. Except when the people think my hat's a dessert tray.

I thought you weren't going to wear that McCohen costume.

Pete said it's my civic duty.

Benson, I feel used.

Is it about time you were heading for bed?

Just one more mingle, okay?

All right.

Excuse me.

Wait a minute. You're a substitute gardener. Get out of here, you lousy

freeloader. I'll tell you. Oh, so honored you could come.

How do you do? Nice to see you.

You're looking good, Governor.

Oh, you think so?

Uh -huh. I picked it out myself.

Can you tell who I am?

Are you on a dollar bill?

I don't think so. Never mind.

The road has many turns.

You talking to me?

The road has many turns.

Well, drive carefully.

You want us to fire it?

Right!

You want to take the cash or go for what's behind door number three?

Alonso. Alonso? I would have guessed Bozo.

So, my pirate friend, you are ready. Yo -ho -ho!

You made all the arrangements?

Yeah, but Pete picked these costumes.

The monkey is beautiful, no?

No.

So everything is according to plan?

Yeah, well, seems smooth to me.

Good. Perhaps no one will have to die.

Yeah, well, that could put a damper on the party.

Sometimes it is necessary to kill for the revolution.

Revolutions?

Governor,

I'm just telling you what the man told me. His exact words were, sometimes it

necessary to kill for the revolution.

Oh, Clayton, have we fallen that far in the polls?

Sir, I'm sure this is just another case of Benson overreacting.

Oh, really?

Well, what do you want me to do with that clown in the living room?

Come in.

Excuse me, Governor. We've got a problem.

We caught this man climbing through a window carrying this gun.

A burglar? I am afraid it is more than that. He wears the tattoo of the

Scorpion, a violent revolutionary group from my island.

They are here, undoubtedly, to steal the Golden Monkey.

One of them violent revolutionary groups with no taste.

Why would anybody want to steal that?

It is priceless.

It could finance their whole revolution.

Clayton, call General what's -his -name at the National Guard. That will not

stop us.

We are all prepared to die.

How many of you are?

Are you asking for a show of hands?

These people are fanatics.

We should find another way to solve the problem.

What problem?

We just tell them, hey, we burned the pot roast. We're going out for Chinese.

They leave, we ship the monkey out on the next plane.

You think we are fooled?

Any change in the plan, the shooting will start.

All right, mister.

I want the names and addresses of all of your associates.

out of him, take him away.

Guard, be sure to keep him out of sight. We don't want to tip our hand.

Obviously, that hoodlum was to be recognized only by his costume.

That's why they approached Benson. They're both wearing pirate's costumes.

I'll fix that.

Benson, you must continue the charade until we find out how many

there are.

You talking to me? You're the only one.

Why? Because they know you. They've already made contact with you. You must

out exactly how many rebels are at the party.

Did I miss something?

When did I volunteer?

Madison, you're the only one who can do it, I'm afraid.

You're afraid?

Vincent.

Yeah? Whatever I say, don't scream.

Stick them up.

Justin, don't.

He's the best.

Kidding around.

Clayton told me all about the plan.

be part of it. Where is he? He's over there. Don't look now.

He's the guy wearing the priest costume.

Very suspicious.

You look very suspicious.

Revolution written all over him.

The nerve impersonating a priest.

Marcy, that's not a costume. That's Father O'Malley.

Father O'Malley is plotting something? Get him out of here. Come on, Tex. I'll

fill you in.

You're supposed to be by the door.

Give me a head start and I'll be through it.

That comes later.

First, we must proceed with point B.

Point B?

B. Already?

My, how time flies.

In one hour, we will create the diversion and seize the monkey.

Good. So, listen.

You want me to check on the rest of us?

That's not your job.

Yeah, I know, but I just want to make sure that what's -his -name don't

out. What's -his -name? Yeah, a little short guy, mustache.

That's me.

Oh.

I mean, a tall guy, no mustache.

Pedro, he's here.

Ah, yeah, good, Pedro. Yeah, well, that's me, you, Pedro, and... And all

others. And all the others, yeah. I'm just a little confused because there are

so many of us, aren't there?

There are as many as planned.

That many?

No one called in sick? Of course not.

Well, since everybody showed up, won't we be a little crowded in the bus?

Bus? Truck?

What truck?

The getaway.

We make our escape in the station wagon.

Oh, station wagon. Is that the economy wagon?

I'm sick of your stupid questions.

I will meet you at the Golden Monkey in an hour or I will box your ears.

Yeah, you and how many other guys?

So, they are planning an escape in a station wagon. Okay, that would mean

could comfortably seat a family of six.

I don't think they brought the kids.

When I was in college, we squeezed 47 into a packer.

And if they all were in clown costumes, or one time in the circus, I thought...

Sir, sir, I think we can safely say we have no idea how many there are. And we

are running out of time.

So what do we do?

I have a plan. I don't like it. You don't even know what it is. Am I in it?

Then I don't like it.

What's your plan, Ambassador?

Benson returns to the party as our decoy.

Decoy. The term is sitting duck.

Thank you. Sitting duck.

But this time, he will be ready for those bloodthirsty ducks.

The term is dogs.

Sitting dogs?

Good night and good luck.

Listen, can't you at least listen? I stopped listening after bloodthirsty

We'll beat them at their own game, Benson.

We will switch the real golden monkey for this replica.

Hey, that's terrific.

You like it? It was to be my country's gift to your state.

Oh, well, this is remarkable. It's just as heavy as the real thing.

It's just as shiny as the real thing.

It's just as ugly as the real thing.

Clayton, you will turn off the lights for every moment. Benson, you will make

switch in the darkness.

Oh, I see. That way, when the revolutionaries take the monkey, they'll

stealing a copy.

Ingenious, Ambassador. I'm most impressed.

You like it so much, why don't you do it?

Because I'm management and you're labor.

Benson, you're behaving like a coward.

My country will laugh at that. We ain't in your country.

He's right.

Nevertheless, sir, it is a good plan.

But is it fair to ask Benson to risk his life? Yes!

Benson, the decision is entirely up to you. Oh, come on, Governor. But just

remember, many lives depend on this.

It's a decision many brave men have had to make. Men like Crispus Attucks,

Nathan Hale, Davy Crockett.

And they all had one thing in common.

Yeah, they're all dead.

It's about time, burrow brain.

A revolution is no excuse for rudeness.

You know what you're supposed to do. Of course I know what I'm supposed to do.

But let's just go over it anyway.

We will turn off the lights and make the switch.

That's an original idea.

Guava Face, stand by the display.

When the lights go off, you take the replica and make the switch.

I make the switch?

That is the plan.

Listen, I was never crazy about that plan.

You will make the switch.

Don't we have another plan?

Or you will die.

Then we only have two plans.

Get to the display and stay there.

The display is this way, coconut head.

You know, when this thing is over, me and you are going to have to have a

talk. You know what I'm saying?

must have gone wrong. I never touch the lights.

Nobody move!

Please, everyone, just do exactly what they say and I'm sure no one will get

hurt. These meatballs are good.

Golden monkey, where is it?

I've got it right here. Give it to me. Keep your sight on it. Here.

Catch.

That's not gold.

This is the right...

thinking of going into business for yourself.

No, no, no, no, no. You're just in time for my going out of business sale.

Here you go.

The sacred monkey.

Valuable statue, no?

It almost cost you your life.

Come on, let's go. Move it.

Get out. Come on. Move it.

Benson, you should have died before giving it to them. I almost died while

giving it to them.

incompetence, an entire revolution has been financed. I can see it now.

Governors blunder, bankrolls, revolt.

You guys, you can't condemn Benson.

He did what any man would do when faced with the choice of saving his own life

or a fortune in gold and precious jewels.

So he blew it.

Is that the end of your defense?

Now that you've all had your say, will someone please take custody of the

real...

Well, they gave me a replica to switch to, but the lights weren't off long

enough, so I only had time to slip the real one into the punch. So you gave

the other replica.

Right. Benson, how can I ever thank you? Well, I've always wanted a Mercedes.

I don't know why everyone is treating you like a hero. If you had switched the

statues as you were supposed to, none of this would have happened. You ruined

the whole party.

You know, I think I threw the wrong monkey into the punch.

I just talked to Lou the Gardener on the phone, Governor. They almost scared him

to death, but he's going to be all right. Oh, I'm glad to hear that.

Ambassador Corso was just here. The police caught the revolutionaries at the

airport. Good.

But he insisted on leaving us this replica as a gift.

Bad. It is ugly, isn't it? In a word, yes.

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I wish I could think of some tactful way

to get rid of it.

You know... Sometimes these cheap, gaudy, easy -to -break plaster statues

sometimes sitting too close to the edge of the desk. Yeah, go on.

And then somebody comes along rather innocently and his jacket catches on it

it topples. Oh, I see. I mean, like this.

It didn't break.

Yeah. Looks like we got the real one. With hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Well, pounds of solid gold.

Something to think about.

Well, maybe I'd better call Ambassador Corso and return it.

Well, there's only one thing wrong with that, sir.

What's that?

You just send us another one.

We'll send it back.