Original subtitles

Benson, I think you're blanked.

What are you doing?

The insurance company wants pictures of the antiques in case of fire or sex.

Who'd want to steal something that ugly?

Where are you going, Frankie? See the governor.

Are you not?

But the historical society's coming to dinner. Got some great jokes the

can use.

You want to hear them? You're not a joke writer, Frankie. You're a messenger.

Please, I'm a curry. Then go curry.

Come on, Benson. What harm can it do?

Give him a chance, okay?

Well, okay.

Thanks, Benson.

Go ahead, Frankie.

I'll be in my room. Let me know when it's over.

History jokes, right?

Do you know what Custer's last words were?

Does anybody here speak Indian?

Moving right along.

Why did Washington throw a dollar across the Potomac?

His horse is too big.

You don't like Washington. I'll do a Lincoln.

Do a Nixon and get out.

Get back to work. I'm sick and tired of covering for you.

What's this ugly thing doing here?

At the moment, she's looking at a candy dish.

Charles, I need your help up here. I've got to photograph these things on the

mantel. Hold this for us for me. Even a simple job like this, and you can't do

it without me.

Charles, please get out of the picture. This is not my camera, and I don't want

to break it.

Let me have that.

Oh, look, here comes my hand.

Isn't that amazing? Look at all those fingers.

I always was photogenic.

What was that?

What, that little cherub? Yeah, it's crooked.

This one isn't like that.

Oh, it was always like that. I tried to straighten it, but it wouldn't budge.

Well, let me try. Hold that.

Addressed to somebody named Dolly.

Aren't you going to open it?

No, I'm going to let the governor open it. Why?

He's got a letter opener.

I had no idea there was a secret compartment in the mantelpiece.

There's a lot of things they don't tell you when you become governor. I didn't

find out that there was a dimmer switch on my bedroom light till last week.

See, in those days, the governor wore a big ring and he just pressed it down on

the wax to make his seal.

I wish I'd gotten one of those.

Governor, we're all very anxious to find out what's inside.

Well, I should think so.

All right, here we go.

Boy, this is exciting.

Well?

It's to Dolly, all right.

Everybody ready?

Yes!

My darling Dolly, would I might express these words in person, but I know you

are off riding again.

How I envy your horse. I never thought I could be jealous of a gelding.

What's a gelding?

A gelding is a horse that isn't all that.

Oh, crazy, huh?

Well, it made me crazy.

My dear one, the times grow precarious.

I stand accused of theft, embezzlement, and vote buying.

Should the people see through my denials, I shall be forced to take

that eventuality, remember the riddle I taught you. The solution will lead you

to $10 ,000 in gold I have sequeted here in the mansion.

$10 ,000?

Hot damn!

Well, you got Krause's interest.

Is there more?

I remain your ardent swaying icky.

This letter must have been written by Governor Ichabod Broome.

Get that book on history of the state. Ah, there's a postscript.

Tell that young stable boy, Philippe, that my best horse must be ready to ride

on a moment's notice.

Here it is.

Governor Ichabod Broome held office from 1840 to 1840?

Yes, I'm afraid he had to leave office rather suddenly.

And painfully. He was tired and feathered and hung by the neck until

Just like me and my ex -wife, Janine. The man always gets it in the neck and

wife ends up with the loot.

Well, how could Dolly have ended up with all the loot if she never got the

letter? The seal was unbroken, remember?

I never thought of that. I know this is difficult for you, Peter, but try to

keep up.

Ethan, the gold is still here. Forget it. That was over a hundred years ago.

The mansion's been rebuilt three times. Somebody must have found that gold a

long, long time ago.

Nobody found the letter.

Right. then the possibility remains that the gold is still here.

You're wasting your time. You're not going to find any gold.

For the last 140 years, nobody's lived in this house but politicians.

I'm surprised we still haven't got the silverware.

I know what I'd do if I had that gold.

What, honey?

I'd go to McDonald's, buy a billion burgers, and watch them change the

the sign.

I do. If I had $10 ,000, I'd go off on a long, long boat trip.

What would you buy, Benson?

A long, long torpedo.

What are you going to buy, Micey? She isn't going to buy anything, Katie,

because there's no gold in this house.

And I'd appreciate it if you all would stop talking about it so I can get some

work done.

What did you do? Dress yourself this morning?

Where have you been?

Are you in the... basement. What are you doing in the basement?

Hey, look around.

Oh? Hey, don't worry. I didn't find anything.

You think the gold's hidden in the basement? Not anymore. I don't, but I'm

giving up. I gotta find some way to pay for my divorce.

Listen, if I should find it, don't tell Janine until after the settlement.

I'm gonna go try the attic.

Ah, Peter.

Sleeping in the car again?

Good afternoon, Benson.

What are you after, Clayton?

I have just had a most fascinating conversation with my broker.

It seems that Governor Broome's $10 ,000 in gold would be worth, at today's

prices... Are you ready?

$437 ,500!

Clayton, Clayton, I just got this mob quieted down.

Those figures are fact. Now let us enter the realm of speculation.

In 1840, most of our gold was in the form of coins.

In 1970, there was a single gold coin that sold for $23 ,000.

At that rate, Governor Broome's little nest egg would be worth, conservatively,

$5 million.

Do you know what this means?

Yeah.

I have a huge stack of mail on my desk.

Your desk is that way.

I don't care.

Well, see you later.

Where are you going, Cross? We've got 20 people coming in for dinner tomorrow

night. So? I'll check them out for dinner.

Oh, you people.

I know, Benson, the chances of finding it are very slim.

But there might be five million dollars in gold hidden somewhere in the mansion.

Think about it.

Mecca's that way.

I'm looking for a contact lens. Oh, yeah? I didn't know you wore contact

Oh, I do when I can find them.

I'll search for it later.

Pete? Yeah?

Who moved the painting?

What painting?

This painting.

Oh, uh, yeah.

You know anything about that hole?

Oh, yeah, that was an accident.

I heard this hollow sound, so I tapped again and the wall crumbled.

You do that with your finger?

No, with this.

I was walking along, and I tripped. Over what?

The chimney.

The chimney? What in the world were you doing on the roof, woman? I know what

she was doing. She was looking for the gold.

On the roof?

I was acting on a hunch.

You see, in the old days, when the Hessians attacked, my great

their valuables on the roof.

Why? The Hessians were ferocious on the ground, but they had a fear of heights.

That is why they all rode Shetland ponies.

Why am I listening to this?

Why am I asking you?

A metal detector?

I don't believe this.

You're just jealous because you didn't think of it first.

Good morning, Marcy. Morning, everybody. What happened to you? Car break down?

stopped to do a little gardening out front.

Gardening? Well, sort of.

Actually, I noticed this mound on the front lawn, and just out of idle

curiosity, I started digging. With your bare hands?

Yes. Did you find anything?

Yes. Well, what was it?

A shoebox with a dead squirrel in it.

Wait till Katie finds out you dug up Corky.

Will you people come to your senses?

Now, the first person who mentions gold again...

I know where we can find the gold.

Well, the second person.

Tell us, sir, how do you figure out where the gold is? All right. Now, let

see. How do I make a long story short?

Have somebody else tell it.

Sir, where is the gold? Oh, I'm getting to that. I'm getting... Now!

couldn't stop thinking about Icky's letter. So I called the state archives

had them send over everything they had on Governor Broon's administration.

And among the official papers, I found his personal diary.

Fascinating diary. I believe he carried it with him to the very end. You can

still see the tar and feathers on it.

We'll clean it later, sir.

What did you find in there, a map?

No, but I think I found the riddle. What made you think so? Because written next

to it is the word riddle.

missed. He used to wax his mustache.

There's a beauty tip for you, Krauss.

Sir, the riddle. Ah, yeah.

Here it is.

When Hyperion's race is through, lesser steeds are resting too. Through the

window in the west, let his glory come to rest.

When the final glimmer falls, hearken, El Dorado calls.

What does that mean, El Dorado calls?

It means the gold is in the trunk of a Cadillac.

obviously refers to the legendary land of gold.

Yeah, but who is this fellow Hyperion?

Hyperion was the Greek god who pulled the sun across the sky in his chariot.

Oh, that Hyperion.

Oh, that's very good, Clayton. What does the rest fit me? I don't know yet,

which I find rather comforting, because if I can't figure it out, then sure as

hell none of you can.

May I see that page, sir? Don't let him see it, sir.

He will memorize it and then swallow it.

Oh, well, then, Clayton, maybe I better let you see it last.

Here, Batson.

When Hyperion's race is through, lesser steeds are resting, too.

What do you think? I think they hung this fellow for his poetry.

I'll take that. I'll flip you for it. Watch it, Clayton. She isn't talking

a coin.

Let me have it.

Why don't we all put our heads together, we figure this thing out, then we split

the money evenly. How does that sound? This isn't an Easter egg hunt, Peter.

This is hardball, strictly finders keepers.

Yeah, I know what you're all trying to do. You're trying to cut me out.

After I pioneered expeditions to the basement and the attic.

Good deal. You came up with zilch.

Yeah, well, at least I don't dig up squirrels. That's really... I haven't

that hole in yet, Pete, so watch it.

We can't just stand here. They'll kill each other.

I know, sir, but there's always a chance that Clayton will be the first to go.

Now, I won't have any more of this squabbling.

If there is a treasure here in this mansion, and if one of you should find

you split it evenly with the others.

Good thinking, Governor. I couldn't agree with you more. All in favor?

No.

Suppose Clayton finds a five million, doesn't tell the rest of us.

Well, we could always do it the democratic way.

You mean appoint a subcommittee and spend seven million to find the five?

That is one way, but I was thinking more of a system of checks and balances.

I know what you're saying. You mean we can team up and one can keep an eye on

the other. Good idea.

It dibs on Clayton.

I don't want you, Peter.

I'll carry your metal detector.

We'll see.

How about it, Vincent? Should you and I be partners?

Okay, I trust you, Marcy. But you better keep an eye on me.

I'll run off some copies.

We're coming with you. Oh, Clayton, it isn't necessary.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Calm down, everybody.

Now, we've got the Historical Society coming to dinner here tonight.

Now, the treasure hunt is off until after the banquet. Bunsen's right.

Marcy, you haven't even typed up my speech for tonight.

That's because Pete and Clayton haven't written it yet, sir. That is no excuse,

Marcy. Now, we've all got to get to work. I want to show that Historical

a dinner they will always remember.

Though I must say, it seems to me they have plenty to remember already.

Until this shindig is over, nobody even mentions gold.

Krauss, what's the first course tonight?

Bullion.

Well, I thought the Historical Society dinner was a great success.

I thought it was boring.

Oh, I didn't think they were so boring. I was sorry to see them leave. I know,

sir. It's the first time you've finished an after -dinner speech in the parking

lot.

Yeah, I didn't get a chance to tell them about Governor Broome's letter and the

five million dollars.

Brilliant oversight, sir. Because if you had, they'd still been here ripping up

the floorboards.

Isn't that amazing what people do for money?

Human nature, sir. Yeah, but greed is one of the seven deadly sins.

That's right up there with sloth.

Oh, hi.

Well, Marcy, what are you doing here?

I've come here to meet my partner and start looking for the gold.

One o 'clock in the morning. We promised to wait until after the Historical

Society dinner, but that's all we promised.

Now, where have you two been looking?

We haven't looked anywhere.

Oh, sure.

Good evening, sir.

Peter and I thought we'd come back and get a head start on your sales tax

proposal. That would explain why Pete's carrying a shovel.

Hey, the library's ours.

In a pig's eye.

Are we going to take that?

Peter, mush!

Benson, how much longer is this going to go on?

Well, let's face it, sir. Nobody's going to be worth anything until we find out

if the gold is here or not. But the odds against the gold still being here in

this mansion are about ten million to one. I know. They're on a wild goose

chase. My thoughts exactly.

Of course, there is one thing we could do to put an end to it. You and I could

team up. You mean become a part of all this craziness? No, no, of course not.

No, I mean solve the riddle and prove that the gold isn't here.

Well... Pardon?

If you want to.

So where do you think we should start?

Probably with these blueprints.

Benson, I know your blueprints show that the tool shed used to be the stables,

but why are we going there?

Well, do you remember the beginning of the poem?

I think so.

When Hyperion's race is through, lesser steeds are resting too.

Right, right. Now, steeds means horses. Where do horses rest?

Oh, God, at the stable.

And if you were hiding money and wanted to make a fast getaway, where would you

hide it? In the limo.

I think I found something. Huh?

There's a coin wedged between the floorboards.

Let me see that.

Oh, yippee.

A 1974 quarter.

Clayton, can I have that back?

Don't be petty.

I'd like to hang on to it for sentimental reasons.

It's already mixed up with the other change in my pocket.

Well, there's obviously nothing here. Let's check the gazebo.

Clayton. Well, I see the two of you have finally succumbed to the lure of the

gold. No, we just came down here for handball.

Benson thinks he's solved the riddle. Ah, from the movie Fat Chance.

Excuse me, Benson.

Marcy, I told you we should follow them. The men are in cahoots. They have

teamed up against us.

Now, don't jump to any conclusions, Gretchen. I'm sure there's a perfectly

logical explanation why the four of them are here together.

And it better be good.

Benson thinks the gold is here.

That's good.

You're wasting your time, Benson. We covered every inch of this place.

You could have missed it. Go ahead, Benson.

Well, the poem says, when Hyperion's race is through.

Now, if this guy's job is dragging the sun through the sky, his work is through

at sunset.

Obviously. Now, what's the next part, Governor?

Through the window in the west, let his glory come to rest.

I figure what he's talking about is the last rays of sunlight through the

window. Elementary, my dear Benson. However, if you knew anything about a

compass, you would know that the only window in this room faces south.

And if you knew anything about these blueprints, you'd know that there used

be a window in this room and it faces west.

Right up there.

It's been filled in.

So? Hit it, Governor.

When the final glimmer falls... And that's the sunlight?

Harpen El Dorado calls.

That's the goal.

The last ray of sunlight marks the spot.

So all we have to do is knock a hole in the wall and let the sunshine in.

Why don't you knock a hole in your head and let some brains in?

It's two o 'clock in the morning. So what do we do?

Pete, climb the ladder.

No, I can't do it, Benson. Heights make me nauseous. Honey, you don't look,

Hessian. Give it to me.

I'll do it.

Cross, turn on the flashlight.

Marcy, turn off the lights.

Right. What now?

Aim the light at the floor.

Now, that's the sunlight.

Now, I'm going on the idea that as the sun slowly sets in the west, the light

comes through the window, across the floor, and up the wall. Come on. Come

Let's go up the wall here with this.

Here. Go on. Keep going.

Here you go.

Oh, hold it, Miss Crow.

Back down a little.

There's a crack in the mortar.

Oh, sir, this is one of the most far -fetched suppositions. Oh, Clayton, can

It is cracked. It goes all the way around.

Hey, this stone is loose.

Here, give me something to pry this out of. Here you go, brother.

Marcy, turn on the lights.

This was Benson's discovery. You should have the honor.

Thank you. Remember, Benson, we split it six ways.

There doesn't seem to be anything here but paper. That's all?

Maybe it's a check.

No, it's a letter.

Read it.

Dear Icky, when you hit the goal, Philippe and I were watching from our

rendezvous spot, the hayloft.

By the time you read this, your trusty stable boy, the goal...

a clipper ship bound for Spain.

Thankfully yours, Dolly.

Clipper ship bound for Spain, all that gold and Philippe. How romantic.

I hope the ship sank.

Now I wish I'd told my ex -wife about this.

I'd like her to share the disappointment.

This reminds me of a time in the third grade when Louis Ryan took my cupcake.

He went to Spain, too.

With your cupcake?

Oh, I don't think so, Benson. He was in his 30s when he left.

Come now, people.

Be of good cheer.

Someday we'll laugh about all this.

I let you in on a secret.

If I had found that gold, I would have retired and spent the rest of my life on

a tropical island.

I'll get you a palm tree. Will you spend the rest of your life in your room?

Well, listen to this. The price of gold went down.

So? So that means the treasure would only be worth four million now.

Oh, that makes me feel a little...

Thanks, Vincent.

Gretchen. Oh, this is great.

A good day's pay for a week's work.

All these deductions.

What can I buy with what is left here?

No, you can buy those socks you always wanted.

Vincent, have you seen the shovel? I think Pete left it out back, Katie.

What do you want with the shovel, honey?