Original subtitles

Hi, my name is Tamin Sirsock. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi, my name is Tamin Sirsock and I'm, um, my name is Tamin Sirsock

and I'm reading for woman number three.

Mom,

I can't talk right now, okay? I literally am trying to find an

just saw a guy who says he's Buffalo Bill with a penis tucked between his

He puts the lotion on its skin, or else he gets the hose again.

Mom, why are you crying?

Dad, why is Mom crying?

We know!

Dad, are you crying too?

We know what you've done. Oh, my baby girl.

What have I done?

Porn!

Is that me?

Holy shit, Paul! It's you, Tim, and it's you.

Oh, no.

She's already fallen into the clutches of an international porn ring.

That's it. I'm sending you a ticket for the next flight back to Sydney.

Why is this happening to me?

In all those years of... Private school and piano lessons.

And this is what it's all come down to. Why is this always happening to me?

Oh, dear.

One second, guys, okay?

Hi.

Do you have a magazine called Cocktucket? US, Australian or French

All three, yeah.

Oh, my God, guys.

I mean, it is me, but it isn't me, but it is me. They probably just found some

picture on the Internet, and now I'm promoting Circle Jack and Boo Cocky.

Boo Cocky? Why would they advertise Chinese food?

The church group meets here every Wednesday for Bible study.

Thank you. And you can join if you like.

Of course, you'll have to bring a dish and nothing with too much salt or sugar.

We have several members who have hypertension or diabetes, and that was

Matheson who had diabetes.

He died eight or nine days ago.

So sad.

First they had to amputate his toe.

Then it was his foot and his calf and his thigh.

There wasn't much left of him when we buried him, bless his heart.

No sugar.

Check. And absolutely no loud music, unless it's a hymnal. You know, grace at

home is grace in the heart.

Grace.

Check. And I'm sorry, but no young men. I must be firm about that.

I happen to believe that a chaste woman is a desirable woman.

Why would you buy a car when you could get the gasoline for free? You get my

drift? No gasoline.

Check. Ma 'am, I am pure as they come.

Pure heart, pure soul.

I am Australia's sweetheart after all.

I think we would be the perfect roomies.

Well...

Welcome to my home.

Oh, goodness.

Is this you?

Yes, it is me.

But it isn't me, if you know what I mean.

Look at that gorgeous little hamster.

Oh, my God.

Is that...

Are they trying to shove that... What's happening?

What's happening?

What's happening?

Ma 'am?

Ma 'am? Ma 'am? Ma 'am? Hello?

Hello?

Can someone call 911?

There's no one here. I have to call 911.

What is going on here?

What did I miss?

I'm sorry, but the woman in apartment 11 has expired.

Oh, my God.

I killed her.

How did this happen?

Nice photo.

But I don't think this is her copy of Reader's Digest.

My issue of Cocksocket Magazine.

Okay.

What happened?

I thought she passed out.

I think I actually killed her.

Look, I was desperate to find apartments, and everyone was worse than

until I ran into Mrs. Granger, and she was really lovely.

Until she saw me on the cover of Cocksocket magazine, and I didn't do

things. I mean, I really, really love fluffy hamsters.

So here I am, literally homeless, out of the country, out of time, with three

months to prove I actually can make it. I'm out of the will to even carry on.

Now you probably think I'm some killer and a freak.

Okay, look, you're not going to believe me, but I'm from New York, and I was

doing a summer internship with the UN.

We were building houses in Sumatra, and one evening, an adolescent orangutan

made his way into our camp and my tent.

Now, what I thought was a dream about a passionate night with Ed Sheeran was

actually an oversexed teen ape.

exploring his interest in proctology with my backside.

Needless to say, the story went viral with my colleagues, and I was forced to

leave my position with my tail between my legs, no pun intended, to start over

here. To this day, I still cannot lose the shape of you without getting total

PTSD. And to make matters worse, the monkey never called.

That's, um... Inspiring?

Brave.

That's definitely... Brave.

That you shared that story.

I got a ton of those.

My ex -boyfriend, he had a thing for having sex wearing only trash bags.

So for Valentine's Day one year, he got me a box of hefty thin socks.

Which, they're double reinforced. It's actually really sweet.

He just left me.

For a girl who gets off on popping balloons.

I need a roommate.

What do you think?

I think I just found my new best friend.