Original subtitles

Back. Back, I say.

Philip.

Yes?

You heard me, Spalding.

You get back to your desk or I'll excommunicate.

Philip, wake up.

No, Spalding, don't you?

What is it?

What is it? You're having a bad dream.

A dream?

Yeah.

into the Pope.

What? You were threatening to excommunicate someone called Spalding.

Oh, yes, Spalding.

Oh, it comes back to me now. Oh, dear.

Was it that bad?

Oh, terrible.

I dreamt I was taking Class 4B in Religious Instruction at Grimthorpe

Modern. You do take Class 4B in Religious Instruction.

Yeah, I know, but in my dream the class was going on forever. Ever.

I think Spalding was dismantling the period bell.

Spalding's like that, is he? Oh, he's awful, Emma.

Vicious, sly, shifty. He must have some redeeming feature.

No, he's horrible.

If he's as bad as you say, what's going to happen to him when he leaves school?

Why, in the right field, he might be very successful.

Extortion, armed robbery.

Demolishing factory chimneys with his head.

He's horrible.

Just go to sleep and put him out of your mind.

Your mum and dad are arriving tomorrow.

Well, they're no trouble.

Normally, no, but your mum's a bit upset about your dad.

What about?

Don't be too offended, but she holds you partially responsible.

For what?

Well, you've been so enthusiastic about the parish that your father wants to do

the same.

What? He's going to ask the bishop if he can have a problem parish.

Really? Yes.

Good old dad.

Oh, no. No, don't encourage him, Philip. You know how much energy it takes to

run a parish like this.

Well, it might rejuvenate him.

Your mother doesn't want him rejuvenated. She's very happy with him

is. Look what a new challenge did for me. I feel I could cope with anything

Even Spaulding? Oh, don't remind me.

Tomorrow afternoon, I have 40 minutes to introduce him to the linguistic

implications of the Tower of Babel.

And I know exactly what he's going to say.

What? Isn't that a phallic symbol, sir?

He's horrible.

Oh, where is it?

Here it is.

Therefore is the name of it called Babel, because the Lord did there

the language of the earth, and from this did the Lord scatter them abroad.

I wish he'd scatter Spalding.

Sorry. Uncharitable thoughts. Sorry.

You have a visitor.

Guess who?

Desmond. The memory lingers on, doesn't it?

Oh, I've got him to go round the front instead of walking all through my

kitchen. You didn't get him to take his shoes off, did you? No, fear not. I

nearly killed every pot plant in the place.

All right, come in, Desmond.

What's the flavour of the month?

Lilac. Oh, good, I love the lilac.

Reminds me of so many happy hours spent in the company of Ive and November.

Oh, he's in the office.

Thank you, Desmond.

Thank you,

Desmond. That was lovely.

Yes. I suppose you've come about the Randolph job.

Yes.

Come about what?

You remember we talked about getting you part -time employment.

Last week.

We did?

You remember?

No.

You don't remember me talking to you? I don't remember last week.

We decided you needed some casual work.

And Mr. Randolph Gardner has just retired. He's kindly agreed to try you

a few hours.

There's his address. He's expecting you at 11 o 'clock this morning.

Yes.

What day was it that we decided all this, Philip?

Last Tuesday.

Well, that would account for it. It's a bad day Tuesday.

It's a terrible day. I get my gyro on Tuesday morning.

Surely that's a good day. It's a good day for drinking.

It's a terrible day for remembering.

That dreadful noise.

Good grief. Watch up. What on earth's my father driving?

Oh, for heaven's sake, Ernest, stop playing with your new toy.

Oh, hello, darling.

Hello, Marble.

Can you manage? Hello, old chap.

What do you think?

He thinks you've lost your marbles like the rest of us.

Tell Emma to put the kettle on. We'll be in in a tick.

A bit of a surprise, eh?

It certainly is.

Well, I felt tired of the old Boris traveller.

Felt the urge for a bit of speed.

Handles like a dream.

What are you bringing me?

Well, I'm sorry, Dad, but it's so low, I'm surprised you can get into it.

Oh, absolutely, no trouble at all. No trouble whatsoever.

Good heavens, no.

It's... it's getting out of it.

Come on, then.

Well,

I must say, Emma, I do not know when I last had such a splendid meal.

Thank you, Ernest.

I mean away from home, of course. Well, I don't think mum's cooking's anything

to complain about.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of complaining.

After all, I'm used to it.

Ernest, you have already dug your grave. No need to fill it in as well.

No, I only meant I'm used to your excellent cooking.

There is only when I encounter excellence in another cook that I

it. I think that did the trick.

I don't think she looks very convinced, Dad. It might be safer to have our

coffee in my office. Right.

I don't fancy the idea of being brained by a pudding bowl.

Well, there's something I'd like to show you.

Oh, perhaps I should say someone.

See what I mean?

Nothing of the vegan cutlet.

How would you like your coffee, Barbara? In peace, Emma. Without having to worry

about Ernest dragging me off to pastures run down.

Oh, you will talk to him, Philip?

Yes, I will, Mum. You will tell him what an old fool he is? No, but I will point

out the problems of running an urban parish. Oh, for pity's sake, don't

the problems. That's what he wants.

What? Other people's problems.

He sees himself as a cross between John the Baptist and dear Katie.

Sounds familiar?

What? And, Philip, if you can't persuade your father to give up this ludicrous

idea and act his age, I shall phone the people from the funny farm.

and have him forcibly restrained. I'll do my best, ma 'am.

And if that fails, I shall send for the local vet and have him shot.

To the old castle.

Ah, Philip, I was just admiring the view.

The faceless tower block.

The industrial wastelands. The urban blight. It's wonderful.

Dad, what is all this about?

What's what all about? The new car, the new job. Mum's very unhappy about it,

you know. Well, you and Emma had similar troubles.

You overcame them. Yes, I know, but there's over 30 years between us.

No, really.

Oh, I thought you were roughly the same age.

You and me, Dad, taking on an urban parish at your age is not a good idea.

nonsense. First parish I ever had was in the East End.

You can't get much tougher than that. Now, I wonder if you can guess who's in

here.

Hello?

Hello.

And who's in there?

Who do you think?

He's not Bombardier Bill.

Yes, Bombardier Bill.

I found him in the attic.

He's a bit moth -eaten now, but no more than I am.

They're out here gunga -gu -gu.

Yes.

Remember the Christmas parties and the Bible classes where I used Bill to get

the message over? Yes, go on, Dad, do it. Huh? Go on, do it, do it. All right.

Now then, Bill, and how are you?

Oh, no, that's wrong, isn't it? I got it wrong.

Now then, now then, Bill, and how are you?

Very well, thank you, Vicar.

Or may I call you Vic?

And did you understand this morning's sermon?

Not a dicky -gird.

What did that sound like?

Dicky -gird.

I thought it might.

I can't overcome the bees.

Oh, dear.

This is a great rage now, you know. What is? Teaching through play.

Oh, yes. Hello.

That was always the head of my time.

Oh, yes. Hello, Oscar.

Dickie bird, dickie good, dickie good, dickie good.

Dad. Dad.

Sorry, Oscar, what's the problem?

How soon can you get over here, Philip?

Is this about Desmond? Didn't he get there?

Oh, he got there all right. Would to heaven he hadn't. Well, I've got a class

the school this afternoon, Oscar. Will it be all right if I came over to your

house after that?

No, Philip, it will not be all right. There might not be any house left by

You will leave now and get here as soon as possible.

Yes, Oscar.

You drive an estate car, don't you?

Well, yes, why do you ask?

You might have to remove something the size and weight of a dead body.

Really? What's that?

A dead body.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Problems? Yes.

Our regular down and outs, you know.

Oh, God bless the woman of the house. Yeah, that's the one. I tried to get him

gardening job. No good.

Drunk. Got to get over to Austin's right away.

School always takes an age to answer. There's anything I can do to help. If

wouldn't mind, just apologise for me and say I'm going to cancel Class 4B this

afternoon. Class 4B? I'm taking in the religious instruction.

At least I'm trying to. A bit of a handful, eh?

There are four little heathens that make you long for the Spanish Inquisition.

It sounds like a bit of a challenge, doesn't it, old son?

Oh, good afternoon.

I'm afraid the Reverend Lamb is unable to take 4B today.

Cancel it. Well, yes, I suppose so. I think he will, but... What?

Oh, yes.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, it would be a shame to disappoint the children.

Tell them we'll be over instead.

Yes, we.

The Reverend Lamb Senior and Bombardier Bill.

Good of you to consult promptly, Philip. I didn't think I had a choice. You

didn't.

Oh, by the way.

Have I given you the guided tour of the garden?

The first time you invited me.

Oh, yes.

But that was before Guzzler Jim got to work on it.

Who? Ben Devman.

Fragrant vagrant.

Oh.

You mean the blackbird?

No.

My wife's having aesthetics in the downstairs bath.

You see, Marjorie's taken up topiary.

You know what that is?

Topiary? That's cutting bushes into shapes, isn't it? It's a sew process.

It takes years of work and application.

This is one of our masterworks.

This?

Recognise what it's supposed to be?

It's a bush.

Yes. You can just about make that out. But what do you think the shape

represents?

Well, some sort of animal, is it? My wife liked to think so.

A large hedgehog?

Actually, Marjorie slaved over it for nearly four years in the fond hope of

making it pass for a peacock.

A peacock? Yes.

Well, I'm sorry, Oscar, but that doesn't look a bit like a peacock.

Not now.

But if all those bits in the barrel were back where they were before Desmond

hacked them off with a hedge trimmer, it's a fair likeness.

You mean Desmond... That's why Marjorie... I'm terribly sorry, Oscar.

And that's not all he did.

What?

You see that statue over there?

Oh, lovely. It looks like the Venus de Milo. Yes, it does, doesn't it?

But before Desmond ran into it with the power mord, it actually had irons.

I'm terribly sorry, Arthur.

And I won't offend you with the details of what we saw him doing in the goldfish

pond.

I'm tell... He promised he'd be on his best behaviour.

Get him out of my garden, Philip.

I don't trust myself anywhere near him. Yes, of course. Where is he?

I think he's hiding in the tool shed.

Fortunately, there's not much damage he can do in there.

Unless he tries to drink the liquid manure.

It's a distinct possibility.

I'm terribly sorry.

Someday my heart will wake.

Someday my something will break.

How

could you?

Don't say a word, Philip.

I've said all that can be said already over and over again inside my head.

Desmond, how could you?

I'm very sorry. You certainly should be. Well, I certainly am. I gave you a

chance to do something worthwhile, and I'm very grateful.

I don't want your gratitude!

All right, all right. That's quite enough of that. I've just left one

Philip. I didn't know Mr. Randolph was so talented.

How...

How could you do so much damage in such a short time? I've been asking myself

that. All I did was switch on the hedge clipper and it went to that peacock like

a thing possessed.

And the same with a lawnmower. We rounded the corner, caught sight of the

statue. It was like a red rag to a bull. Off we went, thundering down the

wallop. It took a great lump out of its kneecap and the arms fell off.

If you ask me, it's a case of demonic possession.

What? I happen to notice both the hedge clipper and the lawnmower were Japanese.

There's your answer.

What is?

They've been possessed by the spirit of a kamikaze pilot.

Come on. I'm in order to get you out of here. Anything you say...

What am I going to do with you?

If I was you, Philip, I'd just give up on me.

I'm just going to keep on falling flat on me face.

And I'm going to keep on picking you up again. But I'm a born loser.

Yeah, well, I'm a born picker -upper. Come on.

How are you doing?

We're just up, Oscar.

Would he be easier to transport if I were to beat him unconscious first?

No, no, no, I don't think so.

Pity.

Hear me, Mr. Randolph. I would like to apologize to you and to your wife. God

bless the woman of the house.

But be assured, sir, the labor that I have put into your garden, I do not

expect you to pay for.

Then you won't be disappointed, will you? Sir, I do insist just to show that

there are no hard feelings that you have a drink with me.

Drink? With you?

It's 12 euro bonded, that.

Very expensive and very delicious.

So don't have more than one mouthful.

There is not much left.

Wait a minute.

There was an unopened bottle of this in my drinks cabinet.

There's one. Sir, are you suggesting that you recognize that whiskey as your

own? You know damn well I do.

Well, in that case, Mr. Reynolds... What?

You have just as much as you like.

Philip? Hello, love.

Oh, thank heavens you're back. I was just writing you a note.

What about?

I'm afraid it's your dad.

What about him?

He's had a bit of a turn.

What?

Now, he's going to be all right. The school have assured us of that.

School? What school?

Grimthorpe. What was he doing there?

taking class 4B in religious instruction.

Oh, no.

And you didn't try and stop him? We didn't know anything about it. Just

you left, he shoved Bombardier Bill under his arm and zoomed off in his

car. Bombardier Bill.

I can just imagine what spoiling would make of him.

What? For a start, firewood.

No wonder poor old Dad had a bit of a turn.

Well, actually, Philip, it wasn't just a turn. He had a slight stroke.

A stroke?

Now, he's going to be all right.

He'd better be. I'll have the whole of 4B in the drop of manslaughter. Where's

Mum? Upstairs, packing some things for the hospital.

That'll be the cab. I'll get it.

I'm sure he'll be all right, Philip. I hope you're not.

It's all right, all right. I'm coming, I'm coming.

Stalding.

Steady on, Vicky. You're a man of peace, remember?

Never mind about that. You get straight in that office. Get in the office. Go

on, go on, go on. All right, all right. Keep your dog collar on.

Get in there.

Now, what did you do to my father?

What are you going on about? We didn't touch him. I know you, Spalding. You

have done something.

Listen, mate.

We were expecting you. We went in with some old geezer we'd never seen before.

And then on top of that, he brings out his dummy and starts making a... Got the

geezer, got the geezer.

We just sat there with our mouths open. We've never seen anything like it. That

I can believe.

Matter of fact, we was just saying, you ought to get yourself a dummy.

I don't need one, Spalding. I've got you.

Very good.

What have you got in that plastic bag?

It's Bombardier Bill. They wouldn't take him in the ambulance with your dad, so

I took charge of him. Oh, I see. Just a minute. Come here, come here.

You should have him explain why my father had a stroke.

Well, I think he got a bit too clever. That's what brought it on.

Clever? What do you mean?

He tried to say the alphabet while drinking a glass of water and choked on

full seat.

What? You tell your old man when you see him. Class 4B thinks he's got a lot of

gottle.

I will. But just between you and me, Vicar.

What? He's a bloody awful ventriloquist.

He's a little tired still, so go in one at a time, please.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Oh, Mum, do you... No, darling, you go in first. I still feel rather shaky.

But, darling, tell him straight away.

Anything he wants to do from now on is fine by me.

Are you sure about that?

Well, at least until he's better again.

How are you, Dad?

They tell me I can get cable television on this.

Well, don't look so worried, Philip. I'm not going to pop off, you know. Of

course you're not, Dad.

You see, nowadays I wake up rather early at the vicarage, five or six in the

morning.

It's too early to get up, so I just lie there, happily listening to the birds

and your mother sleeping next to me.

She snores terribly, you know.

That's what she says about you.

Well, the noise she makes, I'm surprised she notices.

Anyway, whilst they were all fussing around, trying to fit me with this new

exhaust pipe or whatever it is, I offered up a little prayer.

Dear Lord, let me wake up in my old bed just once more and lie

there reading an Agatha Christie to the sound of birdsong and my wife snoring.

So, no new parish, eh?

No, I think not, Philip.

Oh, by the way, you wouldn't care to buy a new sports car, would you?

No, thanks, Dad.

Ernest! Yes, I'm still here, Barbara.

Oh, Ernie.

Well, I think perhaps you'd better go.

I recognise the signs. Things are about to become decidedly soggy. All right.

Well, come on, give us a hug.

Wait, mind my exhaust pipe.

I think you're going to be all right.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah.

Oh, Philip.

Yeah? I've just met Spalding.

What? And I think you've misjudged him.

And what makes you think that?

Well, he just came up to me, shoved his bag into my hand and said, Here, Mrs,

this is for the old man from All In Forbing.

And this is for Bombardier Bill.