All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West s04e11 Avaricious Actuary

No, sir.

Secret service.

We're here on urgent business, Mr.
Taney.

All right, Sloan.

Now, Mr... Mr. West and Mr. Gordon do
exactly as we say. Order everyone out of

this house.

Immediately.

I'll be hanged if I do. Why should I?

Now that I have your undivided
attention, gentlemen, just what is this

about? Mr. Taney.

call it that, only a very special kind.

I'll take care of this.

I liked it better the other way, Artie.

I knew a pretty face would bring you
around.

How about an introduction?

Of course.

This is Arden Masterson, Colonel
Richmond's new assistant.

How do you do, Arden, and welcome.

Thank you. We were all pretty worried
about you. Are you all right now? No,

fine. My head's just a little fuzzy, but
aside from that, I'm fine.

Oh, that's General Caswell over here.

General Caswell is head of Army Ordnance
Development.

This is my associate, Mr. James West.

How do you do, General? To us.

Friday, what about the wagon?

Oh, I'm sorry, Jim, but that house was
disintegrating around me so fast, by the

time I herded everyone out, the wagon
was gone.

And the thugs that I tangled with.

Gentlemen, let's get down to cases.

Now, I'm an artilleryman. My business is
demolishing things.

And your particular interest is in how
the Taney house was demolished, right,

sir? Yes, the Bergen house, the Cogman
house.

I understand you got within spitting
distance of that wagon.

Yes, sir, I did.

What sort of infernal machine did they
have aboard? Well, I think I can answer

that, General, if you'd just be good
enough to follow me.

Come on in, General.

Disregard the equipment.

I think it's a tuning fork device.

It demolishes houses.

Keep going, Artie.

Back in 1711, John Shore invented the
tuning fork.

Ever since then, many scientists,
including Kovacs, Helmholtz, and others,

speculated on the possibility that it
could be used to send appreciable

of energy over considerable distances.

Whoever destroyed Taney's house and the
other houses simply succeeded in

achieving it at last.

Gentlemen, I think I've wasted enough of
your time.

General. Interesting demonstration.

Tuning fork.

Be a much larger one, of course.

And a good deal more deadly, sir.

Gentlemen.

In the interest of national security, I
think we'd better round that thing up.

That's what we intend to do, sir. I'll
place a regiment at your disposal. Two,

if you like.

Thank you very much, General, but no
thanks.

What we want to do is coax that little
black wagon out again, not frighten it

off. Then what?

Then, sir, we're going to try to find
out who it is behind all this.

Oh.

How's this for openers, Dean?

I didn't get a chance to show that to
you before. I found it in the rubble of

what used to be Taney's home.

What is it?

It's a letter from the Cyclops Insurance
Company to Taney, suggesting that Mr.

Taney might be interested in taking out
some of their household insurance.

Well, I fail to see the importance of a
letter from an insurance company.

Pardon?

The company is no more than one month
old.

There is no record of anyone buying an
insurance policy from the company.

Well, I fail to see the importance of
that.

There's a fine fishy smell about this
company, General.

Extremely high premiums. Johnny come
lately status.

And now that I know the name of the
company, I think I'll drop by and pay a

visit. Good. While you're doing that,
I'll rub shoulders with a wealthy set.

whether any of the others have been
approached as well.

And how do you go about rubbing
shoulders with a wealthy?

Well, I'll talk my way into the Midas
Club, where only tycoons of long

are permitted.

General? I don't know, gentlemen.

I don't know whether to play it your way
or to blanket the area with... Troops

and make a house -to -house circle.

All right, gentlemen, we'll play it your
way.

Mr. Gordon?

Yes, sir.

Is there something I can do for the
Secret Service?

Yes, sir. There's a little insurance
matter I'd like to discuss with you.

Well, it's comforting to know that the
Secret Service now handles insurance.

But I have all I need.

I'm delighted to hear that.

This involves the Cyclops Insurance
Corporation.

Mr. Gordon, I think you better come up.

Have a good development.

We certainly have.

Martin has just raised you 500.

Are you in or out?

I was referring to our visitor from the
Secret Service, Mr. Gordon.

Gentlemen. I'll call the raise.

And these gentlemen are... I know, sir.
Mr. Schilling, Mr. Ney, Mr. Crandall,

Mr. DeCamp, Mr.

Freitag. I'll call you 500. And, of
course, Mr. Taney.

Well, gentlemen, it seems as though our
little group is not entirely unknown.

Not at all, sir.

Interesting to know just how many boards
of major corporations in this country

are controlled by the little group
assembled here.

Quite a few, I should imagine.

You came up here all this way just to
tell us that, huh?

Not at all, sir. I came all this way
simply to ask a question.

Have any other of you gentlemen been
approached by the Cyclops Insurance

Corporation?

We all have.

What about it?

I hope you decided to ignore their offer
of insurance.

Oh, sure.

That's what I did.

And so did Bergen and Copeland.

Look what happened to us.

Gentlemen, we know a good deal more
about what we're facing now.

If you don't subscribe, you'll give us
time to investigate.

We'll be ready and waiting for any
reprisals. I can guarantee that.

Can you guarantee when it's all over
that their houses will still be

No, sir, I can't guarantee that.

But I can guarantee you this, gentlemen.

If you do subscribe to the Cyclops
Insurance Company's policy, you won't be

buying any insurance.

You'll be knuckling under to extortion
at an ever -increasing price.

you've been talking.

I have just made more money than you
will probably make in your whole

Congratulations. So you see, as high as
they are, I can afford to pay

the Cyclops insurance premiums.

I was hoping you'd feel you could afford
not to.

I hope not.

Besides, if you should happen to nab the
extortionists, we could always pull

out, don't you see?

Could you?

I wonder.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

Two cards.

Three.

One.

Give me a drink, will you?

You know... You gentlemen are all like
the young lady from Niger

who smiled as she rode on a tiger. What
kind of nonsense is that?

They returned from the ride with a lady
inside and a smile on the face of the

tiger.

Have a pleasant ride, gentlemen.

Excuse me.

Oh.

My name's James West. I'd like to see
Mr. Singleton.

I'm sorry, sir.

What are you sorry about?

About you wanting to see Mr. Singleton.
He gave strict orders he was not to be

disturbed.

Well, why don't you try and disturb him?

I couldn't do that.

You see, I've come a long, long way to
see Mr. Singleton. Why don't you tell

that for me, please?

Excuse me, Mr. Singleton, but there's a
gentleman here by the name of...

It was a nice try, Miss Lister.

But seeing as how Mr. Singleton won't
come out here to see me, I'll just

and see him.

It wasn't such a good idea after all,
Miss Lister. Goodbye.

Thank you.

Miss, mister, I distinctly told you I
was not to be... Him.

It's got to be him.

Got to be who, Artie?

Hey, isn't anyone going to be? No, thank
you. Yeah.

According to my theory, a certain Dr.

Tibor Kovacs, that's who.

Oh, that's the scientist that was jailed
for selling classified information.

Right, right.

Look, whoever's behind all this
destruction would of necessity have to

expert on...

Tuning forks, wouldn't he?

How many of Kovacs' scientific papers
did you dig up, Arden?

Over two dozen.

Covering such phases as propagation of
acoustic waves, augmented resonance,

energy transmission, etc.

All part of his basic research on tuning
forks. See what I mean?

Yeah, he had tuning forks on his mind.

I assume the doctor's out of jail by
now.

Oh, he's been out for over a year.

You know, the one thing really
lacking...

There's a solid clue.

One really solid lead that links Kovacs
to this case.

Do you have any idea what he weighs?

You got that in your files, Arden?

According to the prison record, 284
pounds.

284 pounds.

Arden, here's that nice link you wanted.

284 and a half, 284.

283. Weight and fortune cards. Where'd
you find these? There's a collection of

those.

Cyclops Insurance Office.

Excuse me.

I understand what you're getting at.

Singleton is really Dr.

Kovacs. But why would he go out of his
way to accumulate all those cards?

Oh, it's just a fat man's habit is all.

Every morning he gets up, weighs himself
on the scale, takes the card back to

the office, compares it with what he
weighed the week before.

Or, uh...

What he weighed the week before that, or
what he weighed the month before.

Fat men have a habit of... Where you
going, Jim?

It's an unusual weight and fortune card,
wouldn't you say, Artie?

Yeah, never saw anything like it before
in my life. Artie, it occurs to me if I

find the machine those cards came out
of, I'm going to be very close to the

himself. Bye.

He's absolutely right.

The cardinal rule in all crime
detection.

Cherchez la weight disc.

You won't need this anymore.

What's this?

It's just a menu, isn't it?

Just a menu?

It's a gourmet's delight.

A Le Cologne repast, an epicurean...
Pardon my lovely, I think we're

really on to something.

What is it?

The weight discs of a very fat man and a
gourmet's menu.

They go together just fine, wouldn't you
say?

Oh, a moule au chablis.

Consumé royal avec chérie Isabelle
Grande.

Parfait. I quite agree. Now, if you
could tell me what restaurant serves

something like that.

Très bien.

Formidable. You're quite right. Now,
where would I be likely to find...

blanc, à la riche et vieux. Marcel,
Marcel.

Monsieur.

Please, I beg of you, this is of the
utmost importance.

What restaurant would be likely to serve
a menu like this?

Oh, et là, Monsieur Gordon, if I knew
that, I would consume every meal there.

You mean you don't know?

Oh, well, in Paris,

in Lyon, in the Provence.

Merci. Mais oui, but in America.

I see.

Thank you very much, monsieur. Au
revoir.

I'm sorry, monsieur. Of course there is
the Epicurean Society.

The Epicurean Society serves a menu like
this?

Well, I have heard it said that the most
renowned gourmets gather from every

part of the globe to savor their...

Cuisine. C 'est merveilleux. Now, if
you'd just be good enough to tell me

it is, we'll drop by and visit. Oh,
impossible.

You mean, no?

Definitely no, monsieur.

You see, the Epicurean Society admits no
one who is not a member, and one cannot

apply for membership.

One is selected by secret ballot only,
and then told. So you see, for an

outsider to attend, impossible.

Oh, pardon.

Total loss.

Well, not completely the artichoke
hearts. were delicious.

I mean, look, even if you could get into
the Epicurean Society, how would you

recognize Dr.

Kovacs?

Do you know what he looks like?

No, but I think it would be very
difficult to overlook a man who weighs

pounds.

May I help you, ma 'am?

Would you like me to help you with that,
son?

Thank you.

Pleasure.

Go ahead.

Very good. What's your name?

Jessa. Mine's Jim.

Just a suggestion, Joseph.

Shorten up these points. Don't pull it
back.

Fire from there.

pennies, please.

That's what I like. Big spend.

Thank you.

Silly questions, but... Oh, I mean, it's
a hobby of mine.

A hobby?

Oh, yeah, it's a hobby like people that
collect seashells and stamps and bath

towels from hotels. Mine's weighing
myself.

Seems like kind of a waste of pennies,
ain't it?

I mean, you seem like you're in pretty
good shape to me.

Oh, it's not my shape that's important.

It's the shape of the cards.

Yeah, like what, for instance?

A shape like this, for instance.

I never saw anything like it.

What's so important about it, anyway?

It's my collection. It's very important
to me. Thank you, anyway.

Hey, there's a warehouse on Maritime
Street. The Arcade Supply Company.

They service all our machines.

Oh, please don't stop. What's the
address?

I think it's in the 700 block.

If anybody would have what you're
looking for, they would.

Thank you very much. If I can ever
return the favor.

Yeah, I'll do that.

Lovely, beautiful Salvatore.

Grazie, signore.

They will soon be here.

Everything is in readiness, I hope.

Si, signore. Down to the last detail.

But... But... There is one small
problem.

The souffle, Bellevue, has fallen.

Oh, no, no, no, no, maestro. The souffle
remains erect with pride.

It is about you.

Distinguish the gaze.

Should I not know the names so that I
may greet them with... Silence!

You are a waiter, not a greeter.

Signor, in Roma, I was a boat.

Let me tell you something, Salvatore.

The members of the Epicurean Society
give themselves up completely to the

savoring of food.

They have no desire to be greeted by
waiters.

They are here.

I must see to the cutlets.

This wine is superb.

Oh, definitely.

This election committee has outdone
itself this time.

Soufflé is delicious.

Yes, that's right.

The best I've had since Maxine's. Oh!

I disagree, signorina.

Excuse me that I tell you so free. I
forget myself for a minute.

Indeed. Why do you disagree?

Why bother, Miss Lightfoot? The man's
only a waiter.

Because there are sermons in stones, as
dear Master Shakespeare reminds us.

Come on.

Well, signorina, forgive me, but the
white sauce, one can give a big

It's a pure heaven. If it had a pinch
less

oregano, oh...

Hey, so I'm a little late.

Well, come on, what's the big deal?

Hey, Pasquale, well, what are you
waiting for? Come on, serve the grub,

Si, senor. Well, come on, presto. What
do we got here?

Wine, huh?

Boy, it's sweet.

Hey, you people look hungry.

Come on, eat, eat.

We'll talk later.

Hey, Pasquale, what kind of a joint do
you run here? Where's the ketchup?

Ketchup? Ketchup.

I mean, ketchup.

Well, come on, come on.

Si, senor.

The help nowadays.

Come on with the ketchup!

Si, si, senor.

How do you explain this, maestro?

According to the bylaws of the society,
a regular member may send a guest in his

place. That Salvatore is a guest.

One cannot help but to wonder who the
regular member would be.

This one is on the house.

Today, a special point should be made.

We're a unfriendly cycle.

Thank you.

Help me, Salvatore. I think I'm going to
be sick.

Look at the way he's wiping the plate
with it.

What are you doing?

Excuse me, senora.

But do you have toothpicks for you honor
the guest?

Toothpick?

Here.

Every hash house should have toothpicks.

Well, in case anybody is interested.

As one gourmet to another, how did you
enjoy the cuisine?

Well, I ain't...

Had any of that there cuisine lady, but
I'll tell you one thing.

The ketchup in this joint is okay, see?

Hey, Pasquale, got a lot to learn about
running a restaurant.

Where do you keep the toothpicks?

I give this joint one month.

Out of business.

Where are you going?

I quit.

I'm none to work in no hash house.

You finally decided to join us.

I hope I didn't keep you waiting,
Doctor.

Doctor?

I?

Doctor Kovac.

Although I must compliment you on a fine
job of playing Kane.

You hear that, boys?

I'm finally unmasked.

Nothing like pulling down some time in
prison to get rid of excess weight.

All my life. I've indulged my taste for
exquisitely prepared foods.

Can you imagine what that prison menu
did to me?

I would imagine about 115 pounds.

120, to be precise.

The rest was easy.

You assumed a new name and passed
yourself off as a wealthy financier.

You don't mind my assistants trying out
their freshly refurbished shooting

gallery, I hope? Under the
circumstances, not at all. You see,

refurbishing any arcade machines and
amusements is my business.

You mean your front.

You also tinker with tuning forks that
demolish houses.

Not houses, Mr. West. Mansions.

Mansions of the very, very rich,
remember?

Why?

So Little Tuning Fork's going to have an
enormous big brother.

That's right.

And can you possibly imagine what an
appetite for money Big Brother has had?

All those expensive months of designing,
computing.

And then the ordeals and trials of
casting, forging, machining and assembly

the testing yet to come.

But for what real purpose, Doctor?

Well, it seems that a government, not
our own government, is very interested

my little device and prepared to pay
quite generously, of course.

A government whose military knows that a
device like this can disintegrate

ships, cannons, fortifications, even our
own, perhaps.

Quite possibly.

Yes, as a matter of fact.

Someone approaching, Mr. West.

Deliverance for you, perhaps.

I guess.

You were privileged to draw up a chair
at the Epicurean Society table and you

tell me it was okay, I guess?

What do you want me to say?

Say that for a brief golden moment you
were suspended between heaven and hell.

Say that for a brief, brief moment the
wings of a pure, unalloyed rapture

brushed against you. That all your
earthbound grossness fell away from you.

The saumon glacé au four à la chambre.

How was that?

You mean a fish?

Oh, it's okay if you like fish.

Which I don't.

You hear that?

Did you hear that? He doesn't like
saumon glacé au four à la chambre.

Pearls before swine.

And I suppose the boudin blanc à la
richelieu gives you boils, huh?

And the consommé royal avec sherry
Isabella gives you dyspepsia. Is that

You swineish lout.

Here. Do the one thing you can do well.

Get ready, man.

and blue blazes did all you folks come
from?

Wait! Did I hear you say something, or
are you one of them mumblers?

Who are you?

Well, I ain't little Lord Fauntleroy,
Bob.

I'm the city gas inspector.

All right. What do you want, old -timer?

First thing you can do is change that
tune of yours, sonny. Old man, is it?

I'll engine wrestle you three falls out
of three.

Get out of here.

All right, that's all. Then I'll engine
wrestle you three falls out of three.

Well, if you must know, I am responding
to a complaint about a gas leak on the

premises. Let me have a shot, huh,
Sonny? You're wrong. There's no gas leak

here. Don't you tell me nothing about no
gas leaks. I may not be able to see so

good, but I can sure smell up a storm.

And what I can't smell, Myrtle here can,
see?

One whip of gas and she topples over,
see?

Come on now, come on now, let me have a
shot, huh?

and shoot the eye right off of that
dummy.

All right, old -timer.

Why not?

Gentlemen!

Away from the door, please.

I owe both of you so much.

I owe you both lingering deaths with all
the lingering awareness of the

indescribable pain you're suffering.

But I haven't got time for that.

So...

Think Dr. Kovacs believes in these
fortunes, Jim?

I don't know, Artie. What does it say?

You're about to start on a long, long
journey.

You better believe in that one.

Ladies,

this is Artie's special retreat, where
he often tinkers.

Oh!

Would you look at this, Dee?

Yeah, Mom.

I don't see anything so fascinating.

Well, now that we've had the grand tour,
shall we get started? I got a table

waiting for dinner.

Oh, yes. Artie does a marvelous trick,
girls. Would you like to see it? Yeah.

Come on, Jim. The girls wouldn't want to
see that.

Oh, we wouldn't miss it for the world.

Artie, we have plenty of time.

Here, hold it.

Are you sure this will be interesting
for you?

Mm -hmm.

Well, all right.

Hold that glass away from you so you
don't get hurt when it gets shattered,

Now, the whole principle of this is to
set up a resonating vibration which,

aimed at the glass, sets up a

sympathetic vibration in the glass
that...

Some days a guy can't even make a chime.

No, it'll work. Artie, may I please?

Sure, be my guest.

I'll be very careful.

Ready?

It's one of those bad tuning forks. This
may be one of my bad nights. Shall we

get started, ladies?

Tuning fork.

I'm very sorry.

Well, now that we've had our little
demonstration, ladies, please.

She got it to work.

Thank you.