Original subtitles

Finally.

Not a minute too soon, Bob, if you ask me.

Glad I asked you, Jerry.

Oh, you've come to the right decision, Bob. You're like an athlete who's trying

to hang on.

Legs are starting to go.

Jerry, I'm really glad you're a friend of mine because it makes me appreciate

other friends that much more.

I, for one, think you're doing the right thing, Bob. I quit my job when I

thought it was time and look where it got me.

Unemployed.

I'm behind you 100%, Bob.

Have you told your patients yet that you're hanging it up?

Oh, I thought I'd tell them when they come in today. How do you think they'll

take it?

Oh, they'll be fine.

Oh, I'm sure they will.

You know, when those people first came to you, they were hopeless neurotics.

Aha, but now they are hopeless neurotics with a place to go.

Come on, Gerald, let's go to lunch.

Uh, who's buying?

Why don't we go Dutch?

Me at one table and you in Holland.

Excuse us, Dr. Hartley, we're here for our session.

Yeah, I'll come right in. Hi there, good to see you.

You're all looking very well.

I'll see you later, Bob.

Robinson, there's a real class act, isn't he, Hartley?

Well, how have you all been?

Oh, I'm doing great, Dr. Hartley.

Things are finally going very well at home. My wife, Doris, left town.

I thought Chicago felt lighter.

How nice.

Visiting relatives?

Oh, no.

She's joined the pro wrestling circuit.

She's known professionally.

as the mask avenger of death.

Oh, that explains that signature on your Christmas card this year.

Dr. Harvey?

Yes, Mrs. Bacon? I have come to a very important decision.

I have some vacation time coming next summer, and... And I think

I'll go to Denmark and have a sex change operation.

is fine.

I'm as good as I get, Hurley.

What are you doing, taking a poll?

Not exactly.

I really am gratified to hear that you're all doing so well.

I have some very important news for you concerning me.

You're having a sex change operation.

It's not that extreme.

I've decided to take a new direction in my career, and I've accepted a post at a

small college in Oregon.

The only thing I regret is that I'm going to have to give up my practice.

Dr. Hartley.

You can't. Dr.

Hartley. What about us?

You'll be fine.

My mother told me never to trust a man.

Mine did, too.

and noticed he was gone.

Mr. Carlin, aren't you the least bit upset?

We're not going to have any more sessions with Dr. Hartley, ever.

Who needs him? I only come here for the laughs, anyhow.

I can't wait to get home from these sessions and tell my friends about the

stuff you weirdos say.

Mr. Carlin, you've always told us you don't have any friends.

And you bought it.

That's really a laugh.

I've lost more friends than the three of you will ever have.

I don't doubt that for a minute.

I'm really, really going to miss these sessions, though.

Come on, tiny tears. Let's get out of here.

Hartley's starting to get mortal on us.

I'd like you all to stay, and we'll continue the session, and you'll

your feelings about my leaving. Oh, I don't think I can handle that, Dr.

Hartley. I'm going to go wander the streets aimlessly, and I am going to

myself into a stupor.

I won't be going for a couple weeks, so we'll have plenty of time to talk about

it. Yeah, I'll see if I can fit you into my schedule.

Mr. Carlin, are you sure you're all right?

Of course.

See you in the funny papers.

Hi, Holly. Hi, dear. How'd it go today?

Rough. Mrs. Bakerman and Mr. Peterson got hysterical, and then Mr. Carlin took

it from there.

Oh. How was your day?

Well, actually, Bob, you know, I'm really very proud of myself.

I mean, it was the last day of school, and they threw me a party, and I didn't

cry one.

I mean, I promised myself no matter what happened, I was not going to break

down, so I just said my goodbyes, and I just walked out of there.

Looks like a big girl, huh? Yeah.

I'm very proud of you. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, did you remember to cancel the newspaper subscription today?

Emily, I promise when we get to Oregon, I'll buy you a newspaper.

Oh, my very own newspaper.

Hello, Dr. Hartley.

Oh, how are you, Mr. Gerber? Come on in. Thanks a lot.

Hey, you remember Mr. Gerber, our landlord?

Oh, the place that we're leaving.

Yeah, sure. Hi there.

Well, you...

Riviera Holiday Units.

This is my favorite floor plan.

Yeah, everybody who comes up here compliments us on our floor plan.

Well, enough chit -chat.

I have good news, Dr. Hartley.

There will be no problem in your breaking your lease.

Well, I'm glad to hear that. Oh, that's good.

You know, we were afraid we'd have to pay a lease -breaking penalty fee or

something. No, don't be silly. You will, of course, have to forfeit your rent

deposit, your security deposit, your garage deposit, your key deposit, and

of your children.

I'm only kidding about the kids.

Well, it's good to have a jolly landlord.

Hey, wife is short.

I'll just give the apartment a quick once -over, and then I'll give you back

your cleaning deposit.

I'm sure that your apartment is in perfect condition.

Oh, my God! What happened there?

Where? This area here. Look at what happened here. It's all charred. It

like someone was burned at the stake.

That's just a little spot. That was there when we moved in.

Well, it looks fresh to me, but let's not quibble.

This is the only area that you've ravaged.

You're still in good shape.

This holiday Riviera unit is in perfect condition because I have been cleaning

it for two weeks.

Yes, I'm sure that you and the... How many animals do you people have?

You know, none.

None? You mean to tell me that a human being did this?

That's just a little nip.

Howard did that. He was banging his bowl for more cereal.

What's howling? A buffalo?

Sometimes. Mr.

Gerber, are you going to be this picky about the whole apartment?

Picky?

Picky?

How do you expect me to feel when my best unit looks like a gypsy camp?

Mr. Gerber, you're exaggerating.

Yeah, well, maybe.

I'll take a look at the rest of the apartment before I pass judgment.

Help yourself.

Our home is your home. Looks like you said that to Barnum and Bailey.

There are better ways, you know, of telling if your spaghetti is done.

Don't get excited. Wait a minute. I'm a nice guy.

And you're nice people. I can tell from all the parties you've had here.

Just let me finish up, and I'll be on my way.

Hartley, was this carpet ever one color?

Nice guy.

I should have invited him up when the circus was in town.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

What's for dinner?

Oh, Howard, dinner won't be ready for a little while.

That's okay. I just had a pizza.

Could I speak to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, uh, Howard, we wanted to be alone.

We are alone.

Bob and I.

I got an idea. Why don't I sit up on the couch?

Why didn't I do that?

Um, uh, have you told Howard yet?

Yeah, you're right.

Well, you know, one time like the present.

Hi, Howard.

Dinner ready?

It's getting there, though. Oh, boy!

Hi, Mr. Gerber.

Oh, how you doing, Borden?

I'm afraid, Hartley, that you will not be getting back all of your deposit

money. I'm, you know, I'm sorry we let the place go like this.

It's okay. I'll try to save it I'll come up tomorrow and hose it down.

Bob, we're not going to get any of our money back.

Emily, it's worth every penny we lose just to see that performance.

What are we doing here, Bob?

Oh, that's what I wanted to talk to you about, Howard.

I've decided to take a whole new direction in my career.

Good for you, Bob.

Thank you.

I've taken a teaching position at a small college in Oregon.

No, Bob, I might get tired making that drive every night.

I don't think you understand.

Does Emily know about this?

She's coming with me.

I could make the drive easier.

Howard, we're leaving Chicago and moving to Oregon.

and Oregon is going to be our home.

Ah, okay, let me get this straight.

You're giving up your practice, you're moving out of the building, and you're

moving to Oregon, and I won't be your neighbor anymore, right?

That's about it, Howard.

Where's Mr.

Carlin? Oh, he called and he said he'd be late, so why don't we just start

without him? Well, Dr. Hartley, this is our last time together as a group.

That's right, Mrs. Bacon.

I called Doris last night and told her you were leaving.

How'd she take it? Not well.

But she was in a bad mood anyway.

She'd just lost a split decision to the screaming Swede.

That would do it for me.

Dr. Hartley, I don't know how we're going to get along without you.

Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Mrs. Bakerman. I have another psychologist

outside. I'd like to introduce him to you. Was he supposed to take your place?

Well, no, that's entirely up to you, but I would like to bring him in here and

you say hello. Well, it won't work for me, Dr. Hartley.

After you're gone, I'm never going to see another psychologist, not even

socially.

Dr. Weiler?

Dr. James Weiler is one of the best psychologists in Chicago.

Why, thank you, Dr. Hartley.

How do you do? How do you do?

Why don't you sit down here? Oh, thank you. Yes.

Dr. Hartley has told me about your group.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

You are the ex -Marine, are you?

Yeah. My bull neck always gives me away.

Dr. Hartley, you didn't tell him about my fantasy with Ed Too Tall Jones.

I think it would be better if he heard it from you.

Yes, what Dr.

Hartley didn't tell me is that you...

Have such an attractive lady in your group.

Oh, my.

Are you talking about me, Dr.

Weiler? Well, you must be, Mrs. Bakerman. You're the only lady in the

you leave this with a clear conscience?

Dr. Weiler, this is Elliot Collins.

I had a feeling it might be.

How do you do?

Who's this bozo?

Dr. Weiler is a psychologist that I'm recommending to my patients.

Oh, the buck passes here, huh, Harley?

Ridiculous dress.

Ridiculous? This happens to be a designer original.

Better than that rag you're wearing.

Dr. Hartley, look at us. We're at each other's throats. How can we get along

without you? Mrs. Bakerman, losing a psychologist can be a very traumatic

experience.

I just want you to know that I'll be here to help if you need me.

Why, thank you very much, Dr. Weiler. That's very comforting.

I think you'll be surprised how easy it is to transfer your trust to a new

therapist. Oh, Dr. Hartley, I don't adjust to change very well.

I remember the time Doris decided to become a liberated woman.

What'd you do, burn her harness?

Mr. Carlin, that's not very nice.

Why don't you knit your lips together, Bakerman?

Mr. Carlin, you in particular seem to be very upset to have gone to such

extremes to show your disapproval. What, this old thing?

Mr. Carlin, I think you're a big bully. A bully in a dress.

Even in a dress, I'm more of a man than you are.

You can't say that to me. I'm a leatherneck.

Please, gentlemen, all of your arguing has made me drop a stitch.

Excuse me, but I think we can channel all this emotion into other outlets.

Oh, relax, will you, Wyler? I pay a good money so I can come here and belittle

Peterson. Oh, yeah? You slip a showing.

You wimp. Bully.

Mr. Carlin, you seem rather hostile this afternoon.

Oh, yeah? So what?

Did you want to go with that?

Yeah, I guess so.

It all started when I was on the way over here to this session and I saw a

wearing a better dress than mine.

Bob, giving this goodbye party was a great idea.

Emily, it was your idea.

I can still like it, can't I?

Look, Bob...

You know what I think would be very nice?

If we told our friends how we feel about them.

Fine, and why don't you do it?

No, Bob, I mean, I know it's hard for you to express your feelings, but,

it would mean so much to them and to me.

All right, I'll do it, if the right moment presents itself. Okay.

But if when I start talking, you better not start crying. No, no, Bob, no, I

thought of a little trick.

You see, if I start to break down, see, what I'm going to do is I'm going to

sing an upbeat tune.

What up in tune?

Well, I only know the words to two songs, Oklahoma and Melancholy Baby.

Tough choice.

Yahoo!

Oh, Bob, Emily, excuse me for being so happy, but I just passed my real estate

exam. Oh, Carol, that's wonderful.

And I made a promise to myself I was not going to get obnoxious and try to sell

property to France.

Not even you two happen to be moving to Oregon, where I know of this darling

little two -bedroom, two -and -a -half -bath love grotto with built -ins.

Emily, if I try to sign anything tonight, you stop me, okay?

Carol, oh, it's so wonderful.

Oh, that gives us a real reason to celebrate tonight at the goodbye party.

Oh, listen, that reminds me. I have a favor I'd like to ask you. I mean, it's

just a small thing, but you know, it'd mean a lot to me.

What is it?

Don't go.

Go on, have an under.

Do I hear a song coming on?

Hey, nice to see you up and around this late, old -timer.

Yeah, the doctor said I could do it one day a week.

We're going to miss you.

I say we're going to miss you down by the office, Graham.

Take care of my wife.

Hi,

Bob. Hi, Emily.

You know, the other day when you said you were leaving and...

Did I seem flustered?

I didn't notice it, Howard. No, I thought you took it very calmly, Howard.

Oh, good, because I feel great now. In fact, I'm hunky -dory.

And I have a surprise with some of the pictures I took over the years.

Oh, Howard, how sweet.

Can't wait to see them. I didn't come here to look at pictures.

Good, then the surprise worked.

Howard, this is a picture of a turkey.

Yeah, that was Christmas 1975, and this is a picture of the dressing.

Howard? Yeah?

These pictures are all of food.

Where are all the people, Howard?

They put the food there.

Oh, that's a good point, Howard.

Howard, maybe we'll look at the rest of them later.

I suddenly feel very hungry.

Howard,

how do you navigate an airplane?

No, no, no.

You'll have to take lessons just like I did.

Oh, Emily, this all looks delicious.

Nuts, I didn't bring my camera.

Wow, you realize this may be the last time we all have dinner together?

out of the big city.

Oh, that's a little trick Emily's using. Whenever she feels like crying, she's

going to sing Oklahoma.

Oh, sure.

I thought she was moving to Oregon.

Dr. Hartley, I'm sorry to bother you, but I've got good news.

You get some money back on your cleaning deposit.

You're kidding.

A dollar seventeen.

What's going on here?

Oh, it's a little farewell party.

Another party.

This should cover it.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

Who was that?

Oh, that's our landlord. I would have invited him to stay, but I was afraid he

might.

You're not leaving, are you, Jer? Oh, no, I'm going to stick around here, you

know, straighten teeth.

having meaningless relationships with lots of women.

I only hope that when my time comes, I don't make a fool out of myself like

old geezer I know.

Well, I didn't see you want to start the mushy stuff, but I think it's time for

a toast.

Here, here, here.

To Bob and Emily.

I'd like to wish them the very best of luck.

And inform them that the little two -bedroom cottage I mentioned can be had

a song.

Well, I have a toast.

There once was a pirate named Bates who learned how to rumba on skates. Howard.

Howard.

Too sentimental, Bob?

Right.

Yeah, well, I just want to say I'm going to miss you guys, too.

Howard, I think Bob had something to say to all of you.

Yeah, I've been thinking about it, Emily, and I think...

I really think, you know, you ought to say it. No, Bob, you go ahead and say

Please, Bob.

Well, it's just that this is, you know, kind of difficult for me to say.

But, you know, I wouldn't feel right if I didn't say it. I mean, you know, I

regret it for the rest of my life. And I'd just like to say that, you know, I

love you guys.

Hey, Bob, we love you, too.

I mean, you know, sometimes I treat things lightly, but that's only because

hard for me to, you know, let my feelings out. I don't make friends

But you and Emily have... Yeah, yeah.

We know what you mean, and, uh... Oklahoma,

where the wind comes sweeping down the plains.

Where the waving wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind

rain.

Oh,

home every night, my honey lamb and I. Come on, Howard, come on, sing with us.

can't. I don't even know the words.

I've never even seen South Pacific.