Original subtitles

I wouldn't worry, Mr. Carlin. A lot of people do it.

Yeah, but I do it eight or nine times a day.

I still wouldn't say it was, you know, strange.

Oh, yeah?

How about you, Peterson? Do you do it?

Well, I didn't think I'd do it after I got married.

But sometimes when Doris is out of the house, I break down.

Beckerman?

Certainly not.

My mother taught me that good girls don't do things like that.

How about you, Hartley?

Me? No, no.

Hartley? I have never kissed myself in my mirror.

Come on.

Well, maybe once, but I was practicing for the prom, and I was in a

tuxedo.

And we're paying him money to help us.

Well, why don't we pick it up with that thought next session? We've run out of

time. I believe.

That what every person does in the privacy of his own home is all right.

But I think you're all a little bit kinky.

Mrs. Bakerman, if you tell Doris I kissed that mirror, I'll tell everybody

your fantasy with Grandpa Walton.

That's all over, Mr. Peterson.

Now it's Walter Cronkite.

And that's the way it is.

should be locked in the room hardly, and you know it.

Yes, Carol?

Your new patient's here, Bob.

Oh, uh, fine. Send him in.

Oh, you must be Mr.

Bellingham. That's right.

Why don't you have a seat?

What's, uh, what's your full name?

Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Billingham.

What's your occupation?

I'm a radio announcer.

You work much?

Yes, I have a kid show on the radio.

You probably know me as Ralph Alfalfa, the happy farmer.

I'm sorry, I don't.

Why is it you wanted to come to a psychologist?

I stuttered.

Surprise.

I thought that might be it. How are you able to do a radio show? When

I'm on the radio, I use certain distracting devices

that allow me to talk fully.

Right. Like what? Like this.

Hi there, kids. It's your old friend Ralph Alfalfa, the happy farmer. It's

once again for Fun on the Farm.

A lot of stutters use rhythmic devices to help them talk.

Yeah, I know, Dr. Hartley, but you see, next month...

Next month, I've got the chance of a lifetime. They want me to do my show,

on the Farm, on television.

I can't let my little fans see me doing this.

Dr. Hartley, my whole career depends on you.

Sometimes when I get used to one trick, I have to use another.

Stuttering is a very complex problem.

It can't be cured overnight.

Well, then maybe we can think of some other kind of distraction.

Sometimes it helps when I turn my back on the person I'm speaking to.

Have you sought professional help before?

Dr. Hutley, I've tried everything. X -rays, hypnosis, tranquilizers. They

wanted to make me left -handed and shorten my tongue.

Well, I...

I certainly hope I can help you without any crutches. You think you can help me

in time for the TV show?

Well, I think maybe we'll start tomorrow morning, although I can't promise

miracles. Thank you very much. I really... I really... I

really...

All the kids at school just love his show.

Yeah, he's a new patient. I'm not sure the happy farmer is too happy.

Oh, really, Bob? What's his problem?

He's going to be on television.

Oh, that's great!

I'll be sure and tell the kids.

Well, I wouldn't tell him yet. The show may never get on the air.

Ralph Alfalfa, Paul Billingham, is a stutterer.

Oh, well, that can be difficult on television, Bob. How are you going to

that?

Well, I thought I'd bring him into the group.

The same group with Mr. Carlin?

Bob, there are days that Mr. Carlin makes you stutter.

Yeah, but Emily, you see, I have to build up his confidence.

And I figure once he's able to talk in front of Mr. Carlin, then we can move on

to people.

Hi, Bob. Hi, Mike.

You still growing hard?

Not much.

Oh, I hate to change the subject, but I want you guys to be honest with me.

Does this suit fit?

You like to show a lot of cuff.

Perhaps I was afraid of that.

Howard, where'd you get it?

Well, I had it custom -made in Hong Kong.

Only cost $39 .50.

Could you give me the name of the tailor?

Governor Nick Long.

Bart Schaffner and Wong?

Well, I never had a chance to meet his partners.

The lights changed.

Double Knit does nice work.

Yeah, we had a little problem communicating, though. When he said

% off, I thought he meant the price.

Well, you can always donate it to the annual clothing drive for tiny

Any messages?

Tell them I'll get right back to them.

Well, what did you think of that?

I think we should stick with goldfish.

I was practicing holding my breath. That's a good idea. You never know when

you're going to fall into a bowl of water like that.

No, I signed up for scuba diving lessons next door at the Y.

Aren't you supposed to wear equipment when you scuba dive? No, Bob, you learn

dive without equipment first.

I'm glad you're not learning to hang glide.

Is my group here?

Yes, they're waiting in your office, but Ralph Alfalfa hasn't arrived yet.

I'd better wait for him.

Well, better keep practicing. I'll go get myself some fresh water.

Oh, thanks, Carol. I'm driving.

How are you doing, Bob? What's up?

Jerry, this may sound silly, but I'm actually waiting to meet a man here

Ralph Alfalfa. The Ralph Alfalfa?

You know him? Are you kidding? All my little patients listen to Fun on the

Why is he coming to see you?

Well, it's confidential, Jerry.

Hi. How are you doing?

Can I take a guess?

Jerry, this is Paul Billingham, otherwise known as Ralph Alfalfa, the

Farmer. It's an honor to meet you. I love your program.

Thanks.

I used to stutter myself when I was a kid.

Do you ever stutter anymore?

Oh, never anymore. Only when I'm around other people who sting, sting, sting.

Other people who stutter.

Other people who sting, sting, sting.

While you two...

I'm paranoid, son.

Sorry I'm late.

That's okay. We started without you.

What did you do? Mrs. Bakerman was telling us about a movie she saw last

The girl's in my quilting circle and I went to an X -rated movie, Dr. Hartley.

That's very interesting, Mrs. Bakerman. We were looking for ideas for new

patterns.

to tell you what it was about? No, I don't think we have time. It was about a

man and a woman and another man and another woman and another man and

woman and another man and another woman. Why don't we wait a week and you can

show us the quilt?

Speaking of obscenities, Peterson here was just showing us a snapshot of his

wife.

It was taken at the Lincoln Park Zoo.

Oh, Doris had her hair frosted, huh?

No, that's a yak.

Doris is the one in the print dress.

She's nice, too.

Thanks.

Well, I thought we'd have a little different session today. I'd like to

a new member to the group and have him join the group for a while.

Is he a weirdo?

Mr. Carlin, I don't refer to my patients as weirdos. Why not? We are.

I am not a weirdo. Of course you're not.

I'm a weirdette.

In any event, his name is Paul Billingham, and he's a stutterer. Oh, I

speech problem once.

I used to have a very high voice. Now you've got a voice that only dogs can

hear.

Well, I'd like to have meat on.

Dr. Hartley, do you think that's a good idea?

Yes. Bringing in a poor, defenseless man when...

You know who is here?

Hey, come on.

Give me a chance, will you? I'm a nice guy. I have a heart.

Just bring the guy in and give me a chance.

I think it's a mistake, Dr. Hartley.

I think I have a point to prove here.

Well, good.

And I'm sure I can count on all of you to treat him with kindness and

understanding.

Now, come in, Mr. Gillingham.

Hi, everybody.

Thanks for letting me come.

It's a pleasure.

Glad to have you here.

Billingham, it's nice to have you in the group.

I hope we can be of some help to you. That's why we're here.

Thanks.

Don't mention it. I'll see you. Where are you going, Mr. Conner? Well, I

I'd go home and put on my daffy duck suit so Porky Pig here would feel at

Bye.

Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Hey, terrific.

Oh, that's wonderful you said that, just like a normal person. Rubber baby

buggle bumps.

Rubber bagel.

It's no challenge for me.

Dr. Hardy, I can't thank you enough for what you've done. I mean, I am actually

beginning to talk like a normal human being.

Oh, don't forget about Jerry.

You want to thank him for being here for all the sessions.

I don't mention it. Stutters have to stick together, huh?

We've got to form a Stutterers Anonymous.

How would that work?

Well, when you feel like you're going to stutter, you call up another stutterer,

he comes over, and you get drunk.

Tomorrow is the big day. Well, we're all pulling for you.

Dr. Harvey, there's only one thing that concerns me. For the past couple of

weeks, you and Jerry are the only two I've been talking to. I hope I won't

to stutter around other people. I got it.

Give him a test. Let's call Carol in here.

Good idea.

Carol, are you there?

Yes, Bob. I just got in from my scuba diving lesson.

Could you come in here, please?

Chief, I'm a little busy. I lost the key to my locker. I had to come up and get

a duplicate.

Well, it's very important, Carol. It'll only take a minute.

Mr. Billingham has something he wants to tell you.

Well, let's see how you react in front of a normal everyday person.

blots to take to my art class in school.

Well, what for? I just think it would be an exciting project if the kids could

make their own ink blots.

These aren't playthings.

I mean, these seemingly innocuous random blots of ink are a very important

psychological tool.

Boy, that was very well put on.

What's this, the instruction sheets?

This seemingly...

innocuous and random blood of ink is actually... Just a lot of technical

I'll show you.

I'll show you how it works. Oh, would you, honey? That'd be fun.

Now, the important thing to remember is the blots are not important. The

important thing is what you see in the blots. There are no right or wrong

answers. Okay.

I see.

A man standing in a pair of boots swallowing turkey.

Wrong. Because you said there were no right or wrong answers.

Up until now, there were. But, Emily, it's obvious that there is no turkey in

that inkblot.

Not turkey the bird. Turkey the country.

It's a man standing in a pair of boots, swallowing a map of Turkey.

Hi,

Bob. Hi, Emily. Can I watch your TV set?

Oh, is yours broken?

No, my refrigerator is.

I don't like watching television without something to eat.

You can watch, Howard, but you're going to have to watch Fun on the Farm.

Oh, that's what I want to watch. I didn't know you went in for that

stuff.

I'll fix you something, Howard.

What are you looking at, Bob?

Inkblots.

The Inkblots?

That's my favorite singing group.

Howard, these are psychological tests.

What are they for?

They show you how your mind works.

Here, Howard, tell me what you see in that.

Wow. Are these French inkblots?

Howard, they're just inkblots.

Oh, wow. This is even better.

Can I take a couple of these down and show them to the guys at work?

Howard, you are incredible.

So are these pictures.

Bob, this one goes too far. I appreciate your sharing this with me, but this is

just not my cup of tea.

Howard, you're misreading the inkblots.

I would just like to know what kind of tramp would pose for those.

Maybe I better not take those to school after all.

Hello?

Oh.

Mr. Billingham, why are you calling just before you're going to go on

television?

Well, you try singing it.

Camptown races is fine.

I'll be right down.

What's wrong, Bob?

Oh, Mr.

Billingham is having an anxiety attack, and he's stuttering badly. He wants

Jerry and me to show up at the Happy Farm set. Otherwise, he won't go on

television. Oh, I'll need some capture to get there. You can't take a cab to

Happy Farm.

I mean, you have to close your eyes and make a wish and, well, wait for the

ferry to take on his magic leaf down Sunshine Road.

Emily, give me $5 for a magic leaf fare and a tip for the ferry.

And now, boys and girls, a special treat. For the first time on television,

Ralph Alfalfa, the happy farmer and fun on the farm.

Yay!

Hi there, boys and girls.

Hi there, boys and girls.

Hi there, boys and non -boys.

Here's a real neat trick, kids, that you can all do at home, as well as right

here on the happy farm.

That's right. See if you can pat your heads and rub your stomachs at the same

time, just like I'm doing.

Good. Good.

And you keep on doing that, and I won't even look. I'll just look at the

rest of the farm and see who's around today.

Well, look who's here, boys and girls.

It's our old friend Bowser the farm dog.

Here, Bowser.

Here, Bowser.

Come on, boy. Yeah.

Oh, good boy, Bowser. Yeah, down, Bowser. Bowser, you know boys and

Wait, I want to tell the boys and girls how great you are. Bowser is just about

the smartest farm dog in the whole world, boys and girls. Watch this.

Bowser, what is that thing called that covers your house?

A roof!

Okay,

Bowser, good boy.

Bowser, Bowser, I got another one.

What does sandpaper feel like?

We

have

a very special guest today here on the Happy Farm. Let's say a big hello to the

friendly scarecrow himself, Mr.

Strawbritches.

Hello there, Mr.

Strawbritches. Am I ever glad to see you.

Woof, woof, woof, woof. Down, Bowser, down, Bowser. Woof, woof, woof.

I've just been down from the happy cornfield, and I brought boys

and girls lots of cartoons.

Mr. Strawbridge, the cartoons come from the magic barn.

Oh, yeah, I stand corrected.

You know, Bowser and I, we can't come here every day and talk to you.

You and the boys and girls.

Oh, sure you can, Mr.

Strawbridges. You and Bowser are always welcome here at the Happy Farm. Right,

kids?

Bowser and I have a lot of things to do. You know, being a scarecrow is a very

busy job.

Yeah, well, we'll work that out later, Mr.

Strawbridges. Right now, we've got a commercial, so let's all watch this

message.

I can't thank you guys enough. You saved my life.

Were you serious about a steady job, Jerry?

Look, Mr. Billingham, we aren't helping you at all this way.

Sure you are. You guys are a hit. The kids loved us.

But you can't depend on us to jump in every time you get in trouble.

I mean, you're going to face this problem or you're never going to get

I guess you're right, Dr.

Hartley. If I'm ever going to come clean with the kids, now's as good a time as

any.

I think that's a good decision.

Boys and girls, Bowser and I are going to have to leave now, so you'll have to

excuse us.

Where are you going, Mr. Strawbridge?

We're going to harvest the marshmallow tree and milk the chocolate cow.

Sounds pretty stupid.

Well, maybe, but we're still going to do it.

Okay, boys and girls,

it's time for a cartoon.

Wait a minute. I don't know what you're thinking.

You're probably wondering why I'm talking like this.

You see, boys and girls, I stutter.

Maybe some of you stutter too, or maybe one of your friends does.

You know it's not so bad.

You see, boys and girls, I was always ashamed of it, and I tried to hide it.

But you know, you should never be ashamed of something that makes you

You should always try to do your best with what you've got.

See, I know that because that's what Bowser the dog and Mr. Strawbridge has

taught me.

Bowser is my friend.

You know, Mr.

Strawbridge is really my doctor.

Yes, sometimes the best thing a doctor can do is make you take care of

Isn't that right, kids?

Well,

now that we've got that taken care of, let's turn to something really important

here on the Happy Farm, like a cartoon!

I'm really proud of you, Mr.

Fillingham.

With a lot of courage.

Thanks, Dr. Hartley. I've got you and Jerry to thank for that.

Hey, Strawbridges, are you really a doctor?

Yes, yes, yes, I am.

Why are you dressed in that silly suit?

Well, how else are you going to keep the crows out of Happy Farm?

You know something? You belong on a Happy Farm.