All language subtitles for Hacks (2021) S4 E5

All right,
who would like to start?

Oh, yes.

Face card not declined.

She looks
gag-a-tron sickening.

What did he just say
about me?

Oh, no, it's a compliment.
It means you look good.

Oh.

Uh, who else?

- Yeah?
- So funny.

I love
when she roasts celebrities.

- Yeah.
- Oh, my God, I would love it

if Deborah Vance roasted me.

What would she even say?

- Tiny Q-tip head.
- Oh!

Can't see her legs
behind the desk.

- Wow.
- OK.

She's got amazing legs.
I want to see them.

- Put a star next to that one.
- Mm.

She looks like an old Lolita.

"Old Lolita"?
That's just a woman.

I like when she's funny,

but I don't like
when she's trying to be funny.

- You know what I mean?
- OK.

Shut up.

- Anyone else?
- Her hair.

What about it?

I don't know,
that it's short.

I-I don't like
that it's, like, up.

- Ah, yeah.
- Oh, yeah, wait.

It's, like, too up.

Like, that where bird lay egg.

"Too up"?
What does that mean?

- A bird's nest.
- Yeah, like a bird's nest.

- OK, we want it down.
- Yeah.

Y'all need to get a grip.

How a woman wears her hair
is none of our business.

Thank you.

That's between her
and her husband.

OK, OK, now it's my turn
to give feedback on all of you.

- Deborah.
- No.

- First of all, Mr. Jowls--
- Deborah!

Yeah--yeah, you!

You with the jowls!

It sounds a lot
like Deborah Vance.

That sounds like Deborah Vance.

OK, so the ratings of the first
few episodes were fantastic.

New host, first female host--
we got the curiosity bump.

But now we've dropped
to fourth place.

So Mark here from Data
is gonna walk us through

exactly what's going on, yeah?

The top line is,
men of all ages love Deborah.

You're overperforming
with males

in pretty much every field.

Well, like I've always said,
data imitates life.

America loves
their MILFs and GILFs.

- Kayla--
- Actually, that's correct.

In pornography searches,
the terms "MILF,"

which stands
for "mom I'd like to eff,"

and "mature" account for almost
twice as many searches

as for... younger demographics.

- He means teens.
- Yes.

So she's right
to note the correlation.

Understood, but it is best
not to encourage her.

I'm doing No Nut November.

Cool.
It's, uh, February.

Some other subgroups
where you play well--

middle-aged
Black business owners,

gay dads under 50,
college-educated Singaporeans,

retired divorcées
in the Great Lakes region.

And then we have
our weaker demos,

most notably women
ages 25 to 45.

They do not like you.

Women?
Oh, God.

72% of them have children,

and 37% are on medication
for high blood pressure.

Who cares
about stressed-out moms?

They don't laugh at anything.

That demo is very important
to ad sales.

They spend the most.

Are you saying
women be shopping?

Statistically, they do be.

OK. We'll figure out a way
to appeal to them.

What about DJ?
She's about to become a mom.

Maybe you film
a segment with her.

No, no, I'm not going to use

my pregnant daughter
for ratings.

Right. Where's the line?
There's the line.

We're not gonna cross it.
Noted, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I doubt she'd give us
much of a boost anyway.

- Hmm.
- Guests.

OK, who can we book
that moms like?

Testing shows
that America's favorite moms

are Jennifer Garner,

Reese Witherspoon,
and Gabrielle Union.

Yeah, but none of them have
anything to promote right now.

What about Kristen Bell?

She's got that new live-action
Tinker Bell movie coming out,

and she's a big-time mom--
Hello Bello.

Yes, she does great
on socials.

Very clickable face.

Unfortunately,
we tried to get her.

She's doing "Kimmel."

- Yeah, they vacation together.
- They what?

I think
they vacation together.

If you follow her Instagram,

she posts a lot
with him and his wife.

- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, I am so sorry.

Excuse--Kristen Bell?

- Yes!
- Hi!

Hi, Deborah, it's so nice
to finally meet you.

- I'm such a huge fan.
- Oh.

- Oh, my--you're a fan?
- Yeah.

I was just re-binging
"Veronica Mars."

- That's so random.
- I know.

Congratulations
on your new show.

Oh, thank you so much.

You're so sweet.
You know, you should come on.

Oh, I would love to.
Absolutely.

- Oh, fabulous. OK.
- I'll be there.

I'll have my publicist
reach out, OK?

Yeah, but why bother
the publicists?

We can just figure this out.

Oh, I don't think
it bothers them.

It doesn't,
because I only work with people

who love what they do.

- Really?
- Yeah.

No, come on.
No, seriously.

I'm gonna get out
my calendar, you know.

Just name the day.

OK.
Um... let me see.

How about today,
like, around 4:00, 4:30?

Today?

Oh, yeah, no.
Next week's fine.

OK, let me see.

OK, Monday I have a pickup.

Tuesday--
oh, I'm speaking at the UN.

Are they flexible?

I'm kidding.

OK. Wednesday...

Oh, Wednesday is good for me.
I'll bump Giamatti.

- Should we put it down?
- Oh, I have therapy.

But I'll skip it...

'cause last session,
she was telling me

I was too nice and had trouble
with boundaries,

so I feel like canceling on her
might impress her.

- Good for you.
- Yeah.

- OK, Wednesday, then.
- Great. Fabulous.

- Yeah. Great.
- OK.

- I'll see you Wednesday.
- See you next week.

- OK, great.
- Thanks, Kristen. Bye.

Bye.

Do you need something, Kayla?

My bad.
Did that land over here?

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

How are you?

I'm doing good,
'cause I have a plan.

Oh, God,
is this your plan to trick

the Olsen twins
into acting again?

- They don't want to.
- No, but that plan would work.

We would just need to get
Tia and Tamera first because--

Twins listen
to other twins.

- Yes, I've heard your theory.
- Well, I've been thinking

about the late-night
testing results,

and I figured out
a way we can help Deborah.

Great. What is it?

By bringing in
TikTok star Dance Mom.

She's from rural Alberta,
which is apparently in Canada.

People love her.

Dance Mom?

Huh.

Wow.

- She's cute.
- Mm-hmm.

Honestly,
this is a great idea.

She's got a lot of followers.
OK, book a meeting.

Oh, I did.
It's right now. You're late.

She's waiting for you
to let her in.

- Wait, what?
- Hi!

- Hello.
- Hi!

It's so great
to finally meet you.

I'm Kayla. This is Jimmy.

We are the cofounders
of Schaefer & LuSaque.

LuSaque & Schaefer.

Well, it's really great
to meet you.

Like I said in my message,
we love your dance moves.

He can't stop watching them
late at night.

So good. I'm addicted.

Well, anytime,
really, not just late.

- Yeah, but late.
- Oh, my goodness.

But, yeah,
we're so excited to talk to you

about collaborating
with our client Deborah Vance.

- Ever heard of her?
- Oh, my God! Of course!

I'm obsessed
with her sassy oven mitts.

Do you know they're flippin'
machine washable?

I know.
They're a great set of mitts.

We can actually send you
a pair.

So, listen, we would love
to fly you to LA

and have you meet Deborah
and potentially audition

to be a guest dancer
on her show.

- Oh, yeah.
- Really? Oh, stop.

I mean, the only time
I've ever been to the States

was when I was a kid,
when my whole family

went to Pittsburgh to visit
the Heinz Ketchup museum.

My whole family loves ketchup.

Yeah, it's--
ketchup is great, yeah.

We'll get you
a whole big bottle, girl.

Wow, Los Angeles.

Like the LA episodes
of "Sex and the City."

- Yeah.
- I would love to.

- Great!
- Oh, my God!

- All right.
- We'll fly you private.

Unfortunately,
we can't fly you private.

That's not possible, but--

You will fly first,
and you'll have a greeter.

I'll be there!

Yeah!

Oh, wow.

- Look at that.
- There you go.

OK, spill.
Are you seeing anyone?

I feel like when you left
"On the Contrary,"

you were super single.

Actually, I have been seeing
this boy/girl couple.

Oh, my parents are boy/girl.

No, it's actually super ideal
with the new job,

because I work such late hours.

They don't get mad

'cause they have each other
to hang with.

- Yeah.
- There you go.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Ava, I meant to say,
I didn't know

Courteney Cox played the drums.

Yeah. You saw that?

Well, Lewis was asking me
if we'd seen it.

He described a clip
to the room.

But I did see
the Golden Bachelor

eating spaghetti with his feet.

That was funny.

Yeah.
That was stupid.

I-I pitched Fran Lebowitz,

but Deborah wanted to go
with the foot thing, so...

You know, it's a new show.

We're still figuring it out.

But the plan has
always been to lean

in a more political direction.

- That's cool.
- Yeah.

- Awesome.
- That's awesome.

And we have
amazing musical guests.

So if there's anyone
you guys ever want to see,

you should come to a taping.

Yeah, maybe when we're back
from D.C.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing there?

Well, our segment
on the Innocence Project

helped get this guy
out of prison.

And now
he's graduating college,

and we're all going
to his grad party.

Wild.

And then we're going
to the Hill.

Apparently,
the Senate Finance Committee

is low-key obsessed with us.

That is so great.

- Yeah, they're sweet.
- Totally.

Hello, Deborah.

Jimmy.
What a pleasant surprise.

Is it?

KB's not doing your show.

KB?

Don't play dumb.
Kristen Bell.

Everyone knows that
when she has a new project,

she does my show first.

I got full custody
when Conan died.

Oh, you own her?

Let's just say
I've put in my time.

I switched to a Samsung phone

so she wouldn't be the only one
with green bubbles.

I invested $38,000
in her gluten-free energy bars

for Africa or something.

I wore a K. Bell brand
organic diaper on a billboard.

You think I did that
because I'm proud of my body?

No, I did it for bookings.

- Shit.
- Big-time shit.

Go jam your dick
up Fallon's ass.

You fucked
with the wrong Jimmy.

Oh, I see what this is.

You think it's fun to bully

the first female
late-night host?

Oh, you think
this is bullying?

I just don't want to see you
end up like James Corden.

Did you hear what happened?

They found a whole bunch
of horse porn on his computer.

Happened right after he got
a little too friendly

with Jennifer Aniston.

He had to move back to England.

He's sweeping chimneys now.
It's really sad.

Yeah.

OK, well,
I have a show to do, Jimmy.

- Yeah.
- Hmm.

Good luck.

Break a leg.

My parking spot's
closer to the door

than yours is,
you fucking loser!

What if instead
of Founding Father,

we did the Founding Mother,
but it's just Deborah in a wig?

- Like, a different wig?
- That's really funny.

Oh, this stupid pen!

I had the cap off.

Yeah.

Eliot, I love that idea.

What if it's, like,
a very long CVS receipt,

but it's actually
the Declaration of Independence

but there's, like, still
a, like, Neutrogena coupon

at the bottom?

The Declaration
of Independence?

I do not want to hear CNN words

every time I walk
into this room.

You're supposed to be working

on my mom-friendly cooking bit
with Antoni.

Right, about that.

Um, I was thinking last night,
and I just think

that we should focus on things
that feel unique to you.

Well, I don't want to spend
my time doing jokes

that most people have
to Google to understand.

Well, using Google isn't as hard
for most people as it is for you.

Why don't we watch
the cyber-shaming?

What I want to do
are segments

that are appealing to moms.

Does anyone have a segment
that moms would like?

I know! Ooh.

How about a week
of mommy makeovers?

Makeovers?

Anyone can do mommy makeovers.

No one can do a makeover
like me.

It's just broad.

I mean, you remember
Jen Silvers from "Salon"

said we were leaning
a little daytime?

Well, who cares
what she thinks?

- She cuts hair.
- No, "Salon" magazine.

Well, the only salon I care about
is Sally Hershberger.

Oh, my God,
she could do the makeovers!

OK, I've got it. Done deal.

All right, everybody,
Sally Hershberger, makeovers.

I'm gonna make the call.
Let's go.

OK, why don't we take
a ten-minute phone break?

What?

I think we are in danger
of bending too--

Too much towards the data.

And perhaps that's not
the best way to create art.

Frida Kahlo didn't consult
a focus group

about what colors
she should paint with.

She also didn't consult
a pair of tweezers.

- What's your point?
- Well--

I have to pee so bad.

Can we just finish this
in the restroom, please?

They didn't give us
all that data

just to admire
the graph patterns!

I get that data is useful.

We can keep it in mind
and weave it into the show

when we can organically.

But you are trying
to reverse engineer jokes

to make specific people laugh.

We can't please everyone.

Wrong. No, our job
is to please everyone.

This isn't like 12 shows
on the road

where the audience
self-selects.

This is national television.

We are selling soap.

Yes, we have to be funny,
but we are also selling soap.

You can still sell soap

while remaining
authentic to your voice.

It's the difference
between making art

and churning out content.

- I do not want to make a show--
- Oh, no.

This is not
about what you want!

It's not even about what
I want--it's what they want.

And in case you've forgotten,
I am the face of this show.

No one in that focus group
brought you up even once,

if you can believe that.

Uh...

OK, change of plans.

Do you guys actually mind
stepping out?

Oh, for the love of--

And remember your tools--

compassion, not condescension.

OK, we'll wait for Stacey
to finish this conversation.

Well, it's gonna be a while.

Fuck. Shit.

Is everything OK?

Emily Blunt
doesn't want to do

the "Gravy Bowl Challenge."

Fuck.

Sorry, guys, I might have
to go deal with this.

- OK
- Is that OK?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Thank you for understanding.

You guys are so--
so good at this.

I'll text you.
You're awesome.

You're awesome.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Oh, fuck!

Can we also get a bottle
of sparkling for the table?

Oh, not for me.
Too spicy.

- Ah.
- OK.

I'd like to keep this
and frame it.

Thank you.

Scrapbook.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

Everyone in LA
is so glamorous.

I mean, gosh!

I've never seen so many people
wearing makeup in the daytime.

Well, this could be
your life, mama.

Oh. This day has been
all bucket list.

I mean, Rodeo Drive,
Sunset Strip...

- Whoo!
- Ripley's Believe It or Not!

I feel like
the Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

And to top it all off,

you're gonna audition
for Deborah's show.

- How cool is that?
- Pretty cool.

I've been thinking
about that.

And gosh, Jimmy,
I'm so sorry, but I-I...

I don't know.

- Why the hell freaking not?
- Yeah.

I'm flattered.

And today has been
the best day of my life.

But everyone in LA is just
so fancy and so beautiful,

and I just feel
like such a hoser.

And I would be too intimidated
to be on the show.

And so I just think that...

I'm not the person
you're looking for.

No, no.
You are.

And we should have brought you
to Mid City.

You know, there's a lot
of ugly people there.

- I don't believe you, Jimmy.
- It's true.

And you're gorgeous, respectfully.

I can't be on TV.

I just make content
on my phone.

Listen, it is scary,
but, honestly,

Kayla and I grew up here,

- so we really know LA.
- Mm-hmm.

And the truth is,
everybody's intimidated.

Everybody.

They're just pretending
like they're not.

To be honest, imposter
syndrome is an epidemic.

- Even I struggle with it.
- Not me.

Well, OK, a lot of people do,
especially women.

A lot of women and Jimmy.

And the truth is, is that
you're really special...

- Yes.
- And nobody here

- is any better than you are.
- Oh, except for Demi Moore.

She's awesome,
and she's over at the bar.

I'm friends
with one of her daughters.

Not the other one.
We're fighting. Yeah.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Look, it might not work out
with Deborah.

But you're here.
You're in Hollywood.

- Yes.
- Why not just audition?

You only live once.
Seize the day.

You're right.

I'll audition.

- Yes!
- I'm going to audition.

OK, great, great.

Yes!
Let's get margaritas!

Margaritas?
I don't think so.

It's lunchtime.

Let's drink.
Let's go to the M&M store.

Come on, live a little.

OK, I'll have a margarita.

- Yeah!
- Margaritas!

- Olé!
- Wow!

And you thought we were
just making a standard PBJ.

No, not today.

And what I like to do,
a little hack--

I take some of these
hemp seeds,

and I put them--sneak them
right in the middle

for some added protein
and a little bit of crunch.

That is sneaky.

And you know you got to trick
kids into eating healthy.

I remember when my daughter
was in first grade.

She refused to eat anything
except shrimp cocktail.

I had to sneak vegetables
into a rémoulade.

Moms get it.

I cannot wait to dig into this.

- Mmm!
- Beautiful.

I love bread.
Oh, and I eat it.

It's terrible.

Mmm. Oh, my gosh!

And this spread is
one of my favorites.

- It's absolutely--
- Oh, Deb, sorry.

You're getting your hair
in the jam.

Oh, oops.
Sorry.

You know, I feel most
comfortable in the kitchen.

I really do.

Thank you to Antoni,
and we'll be right back.

OK, it's go time.

You are gonna
nail this audition.

You got it. OK?

Stomp that yard, queen!

Be yourself
'cause everyone else is taken.

OK. I wish I didn't wear
this sweater.

It's really hot.

Oh, I like it.

It's so nice.
You look like a princess.

OK, we're ready for you.

- OK.
- Here we go.

- I got this, eh?
- You got this.

Yeah! Good luck.

Have fun.
We'll be out there watching.

- OK.
- OK. Break a leg.

- She's so sweet.
- I know.

I gave her a tequila shot
to help loosen her up.

- You did? So did I.
- So she's had two shots?

- Three. I gave her a double!
- Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Whoo!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Wow, OK.

You aren't kidding around,
are you?

We have a lot to discuss.

I know one thing for sure.

I could use that energy
in my audience tomorrow night.

Yeah, we're gonna
get you some tickets.

Oh, really?
Oh, my goodness!

That would be amazing.
Thank you so much.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- OK.

I can't wait.
I can't wait!

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

It's obviously a no, right?

She does have
a lot of followers.

- She does.
- Yeah, so did Charles Manson.

It is dangerously close

to "Gong Show" territory,
Jimmy.

She has other dances
she could do.

I loved it.

It's a no.

OK.
Well, thank you for your time.

- It's your loss.
- No, I'm sorry.

I have to go.
Antoni's taking me to dinner.

We're going to a place
that has acclaimed butter.

- Sorry, Jimmy.
- It's OK.

- It's OK.
- Thank you, guys.

- Thank you.
- OK, yeah.

My little maple leaf,
she's gonna be so disappointed.

I know.

Let's tell her
after the show tomorrow.

- Not it!
- OK.

Ay, Christmas!

Thank you.

Oh, Antoni,
you're so welcome.

Obviously, all that stuff
I said about Tan,

that stays between us, right?

Of course.

Oh, honey,
thanks for doing the show.

Mwah, mwah.

Hey, do you want a tour
of the kitchen?

I actually happen to know
the executive chef.

We did a week
at Ecole Ducasse together,

and she's a fucking legend.

This woman can take apart
a hogget with her teeth!

Oh, my gosh,
maybe next time, honey.

Thank you.
I have something I have to do.

OK, take care.

- Should we get dessert?
- Yeah.

Oh, hello.

How long have you been there?

What have you--
what have you seen?

Enough.

So I guess
you can please everyone.

Hi, I'm Deborah.

- Hi. Emily.
- I'm Dev.

- Hi, nice to meet you.
- We should get going.

- We were just finishing up.
- Oh, great, great.

I'll get the bill,

unless you were planning
to do a three-way.

Oh, excuse me.

Yes, we'd like to get some
dessert--one of everything.

Then they can sort out
how they want to split it.

That's so sweet.
Thank you.

May I?

Excuse me.

Thank you.

So...

how do you three
know each other so well?

Dev and Emily are my--

We're in a--the three of us--

Monogamy is a silly con--

Dev and I are married,
and Ava is our third.

Oh.
Is there a fourth?

Or is third sort of
the lowest you can place?

Uh, we--we feel pretty good
with three.

You don't have
to answer her questions.

No, we're happy
to answer questions.

You know, people are curious.

It's good to talk about it,
destigmatize it.

- Exactly.
- Yeah, we're open.

I mean, we're open
to talking about it,

but we're also open.

Two women?

Wow, you must have
incredible stamina

and a headache.

I'm just kidding.

Lucky guy.

That is so antiquated.

You know, Emily and I are
both queer, so we're all lucky.

Mm, I'm happy for you.

And for you.

And you.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Uh, is it weird seeing each
other outside of work or--

Oh, no.

Ava used to live
in my guest suite.

Oh, you two knew each other
before the show?

Not well.
I just wrote jokes for her.

That's right.

Well, I should be going.

Oh, what about dessert?

Oh, no, no, no.
You enjoy. It's fine.

Um, but don't stay out
too late.

Remember, the show is at 11:30.

I hope you're watching
every night.

- Well...
- Um...

What?

I told them to wait
for it to get good.

Well, of course.

- It's lovely to meet you.
- You as well.

Maybe we should get
the dessert to go?

- Sure.
- Yeah.

How's that, Ms. Vance?

- Can you see my ankles?
- A little.

Then a little bit more.

We're gonna need
a fresh blade.

- Thank you.
- Hey.

Nate wrote a great blow
to the modern-parenting setup.

"Sweden voted
to increase parental leave

"to 500 paid days.

The only downside is,
you have to live in Sweden."

That's it?

No, then we're gonna cut
to, like, pictures

of how beautiful Sweden is--
that's the joke.

No, I'm not using visual aids
to help you sell your joke.

No.

Uh, this is exactly
what you want.

Who cares more about
paid parental leave than moms?

- Come on, work with me on this.
- No, it's depressing.

No, I'm doing
the wine o'clock joke.

We can't do wine o'clock.

I'm doing wine o'clock,
and that's that.

You're not doing
wine o'clock!

I'm doing wine o'clock!

- No wine o'clock!
- Yes, wine o'clock!

Ladies! Looks like you both
owe the volume jar some money.

Send me an invoice.
I have to finish getting ready.

Oh, my gosh.
There's almost $4,000 in here.

I do not feel comfortable
having that in my car.

My sister was knocked
unconscious for less.

Hey, Aaron, can you pull up
the last mono joke?

We're gonna replace it
with this.

Mm-hmm.

But I'm not threatened.

I'm not.
I'm not.

Oh, and, finally...

And, finally,
a-a new study out of Harvard

just discovered

that babies sleep better
if you put them to bed at 8:00.

But we moms, of course, know
that it's really wine o'clock.

And here's a picture of Sweden.
It's beautiful.

All right, we'll be right back.

And we're clear.

How dare you
put that joke in?

You should have done it.
Yours bombed.

Because I didn't have
the right cue cards.

You should know
the punch line

because it's the same hacky shit
that's been done a million times.

Oh, God, God,
why don't you just go

back to your old show
so you could do

your boring C-SPAN bullshit?

Too late--I left to join
this sinking ship.

Guys, guys.
Both of you calm down, please.

You want to be an ice queen
in your personal relationships,

go ahead, but if you want
the audience to like you,

you need to let them
get to know you.

Yeah, and how did letting you
get to know me work out,

you pathetic, conniving bitch!

- Oh, my God.
- No, no! Please!

This conversation's
not being monitor--

- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, my God.

- Holy shit! Are you OK?
- Oh, shit!

- Oh, God.
- TJ!

- Ooh.
- What?

- Is it bad?
- It's a little cut.

- Yeah, there's a cut.
- It's not good. Yeah.

And you might have
chipped a tooth.

Party people,
make some noise!

Yeah!

- This is all on you.
- What?

OK, calm down.
Nobody here is at fault.

Oh, they're both at fault!

I'm with you two all the time.

You--you're obsessed
with data and demos.

I mean, get over it!
And you!

You're obsessed with making
this show seem so highbrow.

- What?
- Yes, honey.

I see you on your phone
constantly googling,

"When are the Peabody Award
submission dates?"

December 1st.
December 1st.

Why is that so hard
for you to remember?

OK, you need to see a medic,

and we need to finish
the show, OK?

- Yeah.
- Let's go.

We're gonna get you some help.

Date didn't change
the 700 times you looked it up.

- I'm fine!
- Can we, please?

Is Dance Mom still here?

Wait, what?
Come on.

Is she?

- Yes.
- Jimmy.

Good.

Get her ready.

All right!

To wrap up the show,
we have a very special guest.

Making her television debut,
Dance Mom!

No, no, no, no!

Oh, my God.

Wasn't she phenomenal?

We should have her back, right?

Dance Mom! Give it up,
give it up, give it up!