Original subtitles

All right, that's it.

I'm through with the bold and the beautiful. There's a new actor playing

Who names their kid Thorne, anyway?

Please, what about moon unit Zappa?

I had to have that engraved on a baby spoon once. And it was a dollar a

What a racket.

What do you mean you had it engraved? And the real racket is you only paid me

back 75 cents a letter.

Do you know, I think that's the third actor playing Thorne.

Oh, yeah, remember? The first one had hands like a lady. So sad.

You see, this is why I don't watch TV.

You get used to an actor playing a role, and then they switch, and no one's

supposed to notice. I mean, how dumb do they think we are?

Am I right, Roy?

Is this milk bad?

It's nobody else but nobody else but Each time I feel I'm

our new pastor Who always makes me feel brand new I'm pledging

my allegiance Baby to nobody but you

Honey, I'm home!

Is that new?

to see you before you left for work.

Mmm.

Ooh, salty.

Why are you in a peanut suit? I thought you were playing a cop.

I am. My character is undercover at the circus.

Well, I wish I had a beer right now. Why?

Do you want to shell me?

Well,

I would love to.

But I can't. I gotta go. I got an early class I'm teaching.

Oh, honey, I've been working nights for a month.

This goober has needs.

have a couple of nights off because they're shooting Kathy Najimy out of a

cannon. Okay.

Let's stay home tonight.

Rose can go to her friends. We'll tell Connie and Oscar that we're clear in the

night. We're going to have a romantic dinner.

I see Kathy Najimy isn't the only one with a big bang in her future.

Okay, I'm going to be late. Love you, Peanut.

Bye, baby.

smelled good.

Yes, I know. I dabbed a little mint jelly on my puff point.

This is great.

Dining with my wife under a beautiful L .A. sky. Yes, you, me, and the balmy

warmth of a third -stage smuggler.

Oh, look, honey.

The brown stripe looks almost orange tonight.

I know the air is full of poison and slowly killing the planet, but God, I

good in that light.

I think we're going to have to send another maid to rehab.

Oh, no. Now what? I think Yukiko's been dipping in the wine again. Oh, no.

Yukiko! Oh, hey, Dad!

She's already gone.

Oh, what is it about me that drives these women to drink?

It's a mystery to me.

Oh, but I love her. I don't want to lose her. She's fantastic. She's so tiny,

you know, she crawls right up in the dryer. We have never lost a sock on her

watch.

Ooh, look at that.

Next to Rose, that's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

You want me to leave you two alone for a minute? No, no.

Oh, my God, what's that? There's someone in the living room. Go look.

I'm the lady of the house. You go look.

Connie. Oh, my God, what the hell are you doing here?

to dinner, so I came over to watch your dirty dancing DVD.

So what's with the wine?

It helps me dance better.

And may I ask what you're wearing?

Is that a caftan?

It's loungewear.

And you should see this thing move. I feel like I'm flying.

But I don't want to interrupt you, really. I'm sorry. I'll just go upstairs

watch the movie. In our bedroom?

Well, that's where the DVD player is.

Oh, oh, well, oh, yeah, well, no, of course you're going to want to.

All right, no, that's... I'll leave.

Are you, uh... Are you okay to drive?

Well, that all depends... Do I smell lamb?

I'll make you a plate.

To go.

You gotta start locking these doors.

Your potatoes are a little mealy.

What are you doing here?

Well... I just popped in to pick up my glasses, you know, very quickly, in and

out, because I knew that you two were having a romantic evening together. But

now that I see Connie has been invited, I think that leaves somebody out,

doesn't it? Hmm.

Let me just think. I wonder who that could be. Oh, yes, me, Oscar.

Well, pay it no mind. I'm used to being left out, you know. You won't have me

around much longer to kick around, I can tell you. How do you like your lamb?

Pink, no fat.

They're like stray cats. You feed them once, they never stop coming around.

Look, we'll eat fast, no seconds, and give them their dessert to go. And then

after that, we've got the house all to ourselves.

Hi. Oh, for God's sake.

I mean, hi, honey.

I thought you were staying over at Amber's.

Oh, well, her parents decided to get a divorce while we were watching Jeopardy.

I felt a little awkward.

Ew, lamb.

Mom, can you make me some pasta?

Sure, honey.

Who wants wine?

seasonably cold today.

Roy, honey, why were you trying to kidnap me?

I was being romantic.

Honey, jewelry and champagne are romantic.

This is a felony.

I wanted to blindfold you and take you somewhere to surprise you with a nice

dinner.

Maybe I shouldn't have done it. Oh, honey, it's a great idea. Come on, let's

Let's go.

Let me put some ice down my pants.

May I help you?

Okay, all set.

Okay, honey, come on. Give me a hint. Where are we going?

Uh -uh.

Oh, come on. Come on, tell me. Is it Vegas?

No. Oh, the last time I went to Vegas, Cirque du Soleil tried to juggle me.

Is this where Francisco?

Yeah, nope.

Oh, okay, that's good, because between the fog and the fellas, I won't... I

won't get a minute to myself.

Why don't you just wait and be surprised? Okay. All right.

I will.

All right.

Okay. Oh, God, this is so much fun.

Are we there yet?

I'm still in the living room.

Oh.

This isn't fun anymore.

Come on, honey. Where are we going?

I don't want to ruin it for you. Oh, come on, baby. You won't ruin it.

Just tell me. Just tell me.

Okay.

I'm taking you to Paris for dinner.

Oh, my God.

Paris for dinner? Oh, my God. Oh, it wasn't easy, but it's all set.

We're going to have dinner at the same restaurant where we got engaged, stay at

the same hotel, everything we did that night.

Oh, that's so special.

But listen, you remember that thing in the shower?

One time only deal.

Honey, we're doing it.

We're actually getting away.

Alone. I feel positively sleazy.

Save some of that for Paris.

Or the plane.

We could join the Mile High Club.

We've never done that before.

Of course we have. Don't you remember during the Divine Madness tour?

I didn't know you then.

I don't know what you heard of me.

I love Paris. Great food and neither one of us has to shave.

not going to fit. You have to check it. Of course it'll fit. It'll fit. You just

give it a little shove. You shove it. I've been on my feet for eight hours.

Lady, you don't want to start with me.

Oh, don't I?

I slap Diana Ross back. I'll slap you.

Oh, my God. Was that you?

Oh, my goodness. Who else did you hit?

Judi Dench.

You hit Academy Award winner Dame Judi Dench.

Yeah, but... In all fairness, I missed my estrogen shot that day.

Look, as close as I feel to you right now, we cannot check this bag. We're on

very tight schedule. We're going to Paris for dinner.

Yeah, well, I'm going to Kukuru in half an hour, and it's not going through.

I swear it'll go through. It will go through.

See? See, it's going through, oh, ye of little faith.

Great, it's jammed. Happy now?

No, it's not jammed. It's just temperamental.

I'm very good with machines.

I'm good with temperamental.

all the commotion back there.

At least now we know you can fit in the overhead compartment.

Oh, my God, are you who I think you are? I think I am.

I think you're super.

Well, I think so, too.

You are my girlfriend's absolute favorite. Shut up!

Would you look at this?

It breaks my heart to tell you this, but we are going to be delayed just a

smidge. How long is a smidge? 45 minutes.

That's a hell of a smidge, Boyd.

Well, that's okay. We'll just go to the first class lounge.

Oops.

What? Oops.

Oops is they're remodeling it for your future traveling pleasure.

What about for our present traveling pleasure?

I have jumbles.

But you have to promise to do them in pencil.

All right, but you have to promise to show me a picture of your girlfriend.

Here, hon.

What took you so long? Oh.

The girl at Starbucks thought she looked like Barbara Hershey.

I had to act out scenes from Beaches with her.

She wouldn't give me my change until she died.

Well, I finished.

Oh, my God, you did those in pen?

You know that thing you always said about all babies being beautiful?

Yeah. I think I just found the exception.

Oh, my God.

Little thing.

He looks like a fruit bat in a onesie.

Excuse me. Are you talking about that baby?

Yeah, yeah. It's a baby, but a baby what?

That's my child.

And he's adorable.

She's a girl.

And she looks so... content in your mother's arms that's my husband boy i

see that one coming oh my god it's you oh my god it's you

you know me no but sometimes i like to give back to the people please get a

picture of you and chester i'd love to take a picture with chester come on

chester no this is chester

I have a picture of Chester with Jamie Farr in the Detroit airport. It's right

up on our mantel.

He was clinger.

Hi there, Chester.

Oh, that's just a T -U -M -O -R.

It costs more to remove than we pay for the dog, so, you know.

Say cheese.

Cheese.

Lovely.

Scares chest.

I am so sorry, but our Paris passengers can be delayed another 45 minutes due to

weather conditions.

But it's like my girlfriend always says. Shut up!

God, it was easier for the Germans to get to Paris.

I promised you a romantic evening, and you're going to get a romantic evening.

Well, what could be more romantic than squeezing dog pee out of my blouse in a

public restroom?

If it makes me feel any better, he did a number two on Clinger.

You know what? That does make me feel better.

You look wonderful.

What? This is all you packed? No, there are other things in there. Yeah, three

other evening gowns, a see -through teddy, and a flashlight.

That's not a flashlight.

I just hope people don't think I'm trying to draw attention to myself.

I have an announcement.

On no new... on the flight, but it looks like the Divine Miss M is putting on

some kind of fashion show to pass the time.

It wouldn't be what I'd pick for her, but doesn't she look great?

No, that's not what I'm doing.

This is all he packed.

What do you mean it's not what you would have picked?

It's okay.

Listen, I got an idea.

Just wait a minute.

Honey, honey, don't...

for lunch.

Oh, Chester, look who got all dressed up for you. Would you take another picture

with him? No, no, no, no. This dress hasn't been scotch -guarded.

So now your wife is too good to take a picture with Chester and his tumor.

Hey, hey, hey, hold on, Mac.

My wife has been very gracious. She's through taking pictures because this is

our night.

And if Chester is so sick, why are you taking him to France?

Yeah, where's he going, lords?

He thinks he's going to Euro Disney.

That's right. We're going to see Pluto.

Oh, thank you for saving me. Oh, look at us. We looked like Barbie and Ken if

they had aged in real time.

I'll tell you something. I'm just about to leave it. This was supposed to be

such a great night.

I'm getting ready to scream.

I bought you champagne.

Oh, I love you so much.

You know, it doesn't matter where in the world we are as long as I'm with you.

Oh, you're wonderful.

Oh,

it looks like Chester's not going to see Paris.

Ladies and gentlemen, the plane has finally arrived.

Isn't that good news?

The bad news is, due to mechanical problems, we're going to be delayed

45 minutes.

This is ridiculous.

money back. Listen, I'm a lawyer, and I am suing this airline, and then I'm

going to sue you and your fictional girlfriend.

Yeah, that's it.

Look, I've had enough of you people. I'm just the messenger, okay?

I didn't break the stupid plane.

Isn't there something you can do?

Boyd, I may be multi -talented, but I don't repair aircraft.

Look, talk to them. They'll listen to you. I don't think so, Boyd. Look, you

me, lady. I know you did that jumble in Penn.

If everybody could please calm down.

Somebody famous would like to say a few words, okay?

Hi there.

Say, isn't this a hell of an evening, huh?

Yeah, well, our husband and I, we're going to go to Paris for a romantic

Paris for dinner?

We've been famous for this trip for 20 years.

Well, I could see how you would be a bit more upset.

You're losing him, baby.

Dr. Bong, Dr. Bong.

Give me a G chord, would you please?

Okay, remember this one?

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go.

I'm standing here outside your door.

I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.

Everybody!

I am so sorry. Oh, my God.

This whole thing has been a bust. Oh, baby, bust doesn't describe it.

Well, I know we're never going to make a mile -high club, but how about the top

of the parking structure club?

Oh, Roy, you are such a turn -on.

You still have that peanut suit at home?

I sure do.

Let's go make some peanut butter.

Nobody but you.