Original subtitles

R. Benton, a souvenir pen from the signing.

Thank you, and... Toddson's Funeral Home.

Dial 555 -G -O -N -E.

Oh, that reminds me.

Of who?

I got that phone number you wanted. Oh, from the investment counselor? Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, darn.

Well, I guess I forgot that pen.

Oh, that's okay.

You can give it to me later. Yeah. Listen, I was thinking, if you have

invest, you should go to someone with intelligence and integrity, someone that

you know and can trust.

Governor? Benson?

Are you serious?

What? You know he's one of the best. Are you talking about me?

Yeah, but you know I can't stand them.

You are talking about me.

Clayton Benson has some money to invest.

And I think he should talk to you.

Uh -huh.

Well, I realize, Clayton, that you're very good with money, but it's just that

I'm not quite ready at this point in time to invest.

That's fine with me. Actually, I have a personal rule. I never mix business with

friendship. Well, that rule wouldn't really apply here.

Benson, do you need investment advice or not? Well, sure.

Clayton, do you have one of the best financial minds in the city or not?

The best.

Fine. So talk.

I'll be in my office.

All right, Benson.

If I'm going to help you, I'm going to need some information.

How much money have you got?

I'm comfortable.

No, no, no. I mean, how much money have you got to invest?

Well, for argument's sake, let's say around $1 ,000.

$1 ,000.

Listen, I've got to be honest with you. The only way to make any money on a

piddling $1 ,000...

is to get into a risk venture, you've got to be willing to lose the entire

investment. A whole thousand dollars?

Forget it, Benson.

You haven't got the temperament to be a high flyer. Yes, I do.

No, no, no. You're too cautious.

No, I'm not.

All right.

Write me a check for a thousand dollars. I'll get you into something.

Into what?

I don't know.

Look, you came to me. I didn't come to you.

Okay, okay.

How about $500?

Benson, you are wasting my time.

Attaboy. There you go.

That's right. Put the date up. Clayton.

IndyCard. The third.

There we go.

$1 ,000.

And no cents.

Spell my name, Clayton.

Good.

Dial 555 -G -O -N -E.

All right, I'll put this money to work today. Who knows? It could be gold. It

could be oil.

It could be real estate.

Let's just hope it's profitable.

The bird around the mansion is, you gave that clown $10 ,000.

I didn't give him $10 ,000. It's $1 ,000.

Besides, he didn't give it to him. He's investing it. But you always say Clayton

is an idiot.

He is.

Except when it comes to money.

It's only $1 ,000.

Well, if you want my opinion, you can kiss that Grover Cleveland goodbye.

How do you know those pictures on the $1 ,000 bill?

It was on my immigration test.

Boy, they really tried to keep you out, didn't they?

Oh, hi, Chief.

Hi, Mrs. Cassidy.

I hear you gave $15 ,000 to Balloon Brand.

I can only hope that my investment increases as rapidly as this rumor.

It was a piddling $1 ,000.

The late Mr.

Cassidy always said, a fool and his money are soon parted.

And he died and I got all his money.

That man was a financial genius.

What? It's all right.

Go ahead and laugh.

Go ahead and laugh.

But when the profits start rolling in, it'll be a different story.

So what did you invest in? I don't know.

You don't know?

No, I don't know what he invested in. But you can bet one thing, it's going to

be sophisticated.

Hello, everyone. Look what I've got.

Hey, Clayton, that's a beautiful dog.

Benson, meet champion Alfred's premier MacGuffin.

I didn't know you liked dogs, Clayton.

Actually, I prefer cats. But Alfred is a very good investment. Oh, he is?

Investment?

Yes. No.

Yes. I said no.

Oh, I've got to run.

A dog is a dog.

Moonbrain bought himself a dog.

Are you trying to tell me that I own a $1 ,000 dog?

No, you are the half -owner of a $2 ,000 dog, partner.

Partner? You said gold, real estate, oil. You never said one damn word about

dog.

Benson, this is a purebred Bassett, a champion. From expensive dogs come

expensive puppies.

Puppies? Did you look under this dog?

Male dogs don't have puppies.

I am aware of that.

Our income will be derived from fees charged to people who own female dogs.

You mean Champ is going to get paid to date other dogs?

That's right.

And we get the money?

Mm -hmm.

You know what that makes us, partner?

Benson, rest assured, this is an excellent investment.

Alfred earns $250 per... date.

Yeah? Yeah,

we're in the wrong business.

Nine dates, and we're in the black.

Yeah, but how are you going to get them dates? What do you do, stand on the

corner and ask other passing dogs if they want to party?

Oh, I plan to place ads in several breeding journals.

You got a magazine for single dogs?

Yeah, well, I must admit, I've always been fond of basset hounds.

We're going to make big bucks with this animal.

He's young, he's healthy. That means long -term profitability.

Yeah, but he looks kind of scrawny to me.

Yeah, you can feed him when you get him home. What do you mean when I get him

home?

Well, I'd take him, but my apartment building doesn't allow pets.

So, you own your apartment building.

Rules are rules.

Okay, champ, we'll stop and get something to eat.

Stop by a tree so you can freshen up.

All right, champ, this is a big test.

Sit.

All right.

Any cue, then?

Hey,

Governor, come in here a second.

Still teaching champ tricks. Yeah, right, right. This is a big one. Watch

it. Up, boy.

Taught him to jump up on the furniture.

Hello,

Governor. Good news, Benson.

Long lunch, Clayton.

I just got back from breeding monthly.

It's a magazine.

It just placed an ad for Champs Services.

At any rate, while I was there placing an ad, I met a woman with a gorgeous

pair of Bassets.

They're female, and she and I have already arranged a rendezvous with

Wait a minute now, Clayton. What kind of dogs are these? These nice dogs?

Who cares? They have money.

Money? Is that all you care about?

You know what your problem is? You and Alfred have been living together for one

week, and in that short time, you've grown emotionally attached.

You know, I had an aunt who grew emotionally attached to a pig.

Not now, Governor. Oh, no.

It's a wonderful story.

She dressed him up in a little suit and tie.

Governor, please.

Oh, okay, Clinton. You're lost.

All right, now, this is the address. Now, you and Alfred meet me there

promptly at 8 o 'clock. Be sure he's well -groomed and ready for romance.

All right, okay, okay.

I'll spray him with some aqua velvet and bring my Johnny Mathis to him.

Huh? How about this, big boy?

First date out, huh?

Fifi and Belinda.

They're twins, huh?

How lucky can you get?

Let's leave it alone, Clayton. Get away from us. No, no, no. I want to work this

out. Well, how was it? How did the date go?

Will somebody tell me what happened?

I don't want to talk about it. Well, I... I'll tell you what happened.

Nothing happened.

Nada, zippo, zilch.

No, he wasn't even interested.

Well, maybe he had a headache.

Headache? I'll tell you what's wrong with the dog.

He's a wimp. Hey, hey, hey.

Don't talk about my dog that way.

Your dog?

This is not your dog. This is our investment.

You fellas, you shouldn't fight in front of the DOG.

We'll talk about this later. No, there's nothing to talk about later. Oh, yes,

there is. Either you know who does you know what, or he goes you know where.

Attack!

He's thinking about it.

Great. Champ really loves the outdoors.

Yeah, well, that's not surprising.

Basset hounds are hunting dogs.

Yeah, I saw that this afternoon.

A squirrel jumped out of a tree and Champ started hunting for a place to

Ah, maybe he was just teasing the squirrel.

Sure. No, really.

He has a terrific sense of humor.

Oh, sure.

I still think you're cute, Champ.

Ah, good. Benson, you're here. Oh, uh, hey, Dean.

Would you run along? Benson and I have some adult things to discuss.

Sure, no problem.

Good. See you later, cutie. Okay.

The dog, Clayton. I was talking to the dog.

So what do you want, Clayton?

Benson, I have some very disturbing figures here.

Oh, your state revenue projections?

No, no, this is about Alfred.

I don't want to talk about it.

Benson, we have had six appointments and six disappointments.

I don't want to hear this, Clayton. No, no, no, no. This is purely a business

decision. We bought a piece of equipment. The equipment doesn't work.

the equipment and take our loss. This is not a drill press. This is a living,

breathing human dog.

Benson, this is a bad investment.

Good dog.

Bad investment.

Hello. How's the doggy dating game going?

Bachelor number one wants to sell bachelor number two.

Oh, no.

Why for... Why would you want to sell him?

Well, because he isn't living up to Clayton's expectations.

The dog is 0 for 6.

Did it ever occur to you that the dog might need medical attention?

Krause could be right.

Who said that?

Well, I will admit that that is a possibility. But if a visit to the vet

there's nothing wrong, we sell the dog. Agreed?

Let's take this one step at a time.

Fine. I'll take the first step. I'll take him to the vet.

I want this settled today.

Come on, Alfred.

Come on, boy.

Heel! It's all right, champ.

Go with the heel.

You two think you're so funny.

Benson, it was apparent to me from the start that getting involved in a

deal with Clayton would lead to nothing but heartache and recriminations.

Cross, wouldn't it have been easier to just say, I told you so?

I told you so.

Boy, that really makes you boil, doesn't it?

I got here as fast as I could, Clayton.

Krause says there's something wrong with Champs.

Let's talk over here.

All right, Dr.

Bonner has examined him.

He's fine physically, but he did note some signs of stress, and he suggested

that we see Dr.

Lambert. Well, if there's nothing wrong with him, why do we have to see another

doctor? I said there was nothing physically wrong.

Oh.

So, what is this guy, a doggie psychiatrist?

Yes.

Well, let me re... phrase that. What is this guy, a doggy psychiatrist?

Alfred's premier MacGuffin?

And the family?

That's us.

How do I get myself mixed up in these things?

Come on, Henson.

Come on, come on.

Now, as I told Mr. Endicott on the phone, the best way for me to determine

Alfred's problem is by talking to the people he spends time with.

I understand Alfred lives with you?

Yeah.

That's right.

Any unusual behavior?

You mean like barking to himself?

I was thinking more along the lines of changes in his daily habits.

Perfectly normal.

If he were a monk, he'd be perfectly normal.

Unfortunately, the dog was purchased specifically for the purposes of

How have you been treating, Alfred?

Fine. Like a dog.

Mr. Dubois, is there something you're feeling right now that you would like to

share with us?

Yeah, I feel kind of stupid being in here with the dog lying on the couch

that.

I'm beginning to pick up a little something here.

May I say something?

Please, go ahead. That's what we're here for.

I think you should realize that this man will never give you a straight answer

because this man never gives anyone a straight answer.

And how do you feel about that?

His wisecracks make me feel insignificant.

Is that true, Mr. DuBois?

Stupid. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were finished.

Like a nothing.

Now he's finished.

Gentlemen, let's change tack.

For a moment, let's put ourselves in the dog's shoes.

Mr. Dubois, why don't you start first? Why don't you try to verbalize what you

think the dog is feeling?

This is a complete waste of time and money.

Was that the dog?

No, that was me.

The dog is probably thinking humans are stupid.

No, the dog is thinking Clayton is stupid.

Because that's what you taught him.

Well, I don't have to teach him that.

This is a hunting dog. He can sniff out a bird brain in a mile away.

You know what the problem is? When Alfred is with you, you're a Disneyland

What does that mean?

You spoil him rotten. I give him affection.

You give him anything he wants.

I'm beginning to see something here.

Maybe the conflict between you two is stressing the dog.

Very often, an animal reacts to pressure and in certain intimate situations

becomes unable to perform.

People pay you for this information?

You know what the real problem is.

Alfred hates me.

I picked him out. I bought him, and he goes right to Benson.

Is that true, Mr. DuBois? Does the dog prefer you?

I'm nice to the dog. When Clayton sees the dog, all he thinks of is a four

-legged cash register.

Well, that may have been true in the beginning, but he won me over, and now

breaking my heart.

Oh, come on, Clayton. You can't pine away for a dog.

You want the dog to pay any attention, you gotta be nice to him.

Show him some affection.

I don't know how.

Maybe I can help. Oh, brother.

Mr. Dubois, demonstrate for Mr. Endicott how you show affection for Alfred.

Don't want to.

Remember, Mr. Dubois, this is for Alfred.

Okay. For Alf.

Fine. Now, Mr. Endicott. I ain't touching Mr. Endicott.

Mr. Dubois.

Go ahead, Mr. Endicott.

Come on, Clayton.

Let's get this over with. Get out of here.

Don't be afraid, Mr. Endicott.

Hello, Alfred.

Champ.

Oh.

Come

on,

Clayton, loosen up. What are you...

You did a good job, Doc. It wasn't very difficult.

After all, Dog is man's best friend. In Clayton's case, his only friend.