Original subtitles

Telling you he pinched me right in the press conference.

Well, don't be too hateful now, Cross. The man is single, successful, and

obviously very lonely.

Hold it right there, Benson. I want a word with you.

Have to. Buzz off.

Who do you think you are?

am Benson Dubois, Lieutenant Governor. Who do you think I am?

I saw your press conference on television.

Let me tell you, your remarks about the President were not amusing.

My remarks were not about the President. They were about his budget policy.

It is not what you say.

It is the way you say it.

Well, I thought Benson was brilliant, and he got big laughs.

My point exactly.

Guess what, Benson? You're on national news.

So what was it about?

It's about those funny things you said about the president.

I didn't say anything about the president. I criticized his budget

Well, when you criticize the president's budget policies, maybe you shouldn't

stand like this.

Lieutenant Governor Dubois' office.

Yeah, yeah, just a moment.

Thank you. It's not for you.

Hello? Yes, this is Governor Godling.

Oh, yes, we were just talking about that.

Oh, yes, he certainly has a sharp wit. There's no doubt about that.

Well, actually, I share his position as far as the budget policies are

concerned.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Well, he's standing right here. Why don't you tell him yourself?

The president.

Hello, Mr. President.

Yes, sir, this is he.

I knew it, I knew it.

We are in big trouble.

Shut up!

Oh, no, no, no, not you, Mr. President. No, no, no, sir. I was talking to Mr.

Endicott.

He says, thank you for the saddle you sent him at Christmas time.

Oh, no, not you, sir. No, no, I was there. No, I was there.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh, yeah. Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Well, you see, the... Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Well, uh, no problem, sir.

Thank you.

Yes, uh, good.

Nice talk...

He didn't sound like a very happy man.

Well, he wants me to come to Washington and have a chat with him.

Your hiney is hamburger.

I have attempted to warn you on several occasions, but you wouldn't listen, and

now you have gone one wisecrack too far.

He wants me and the governor to fly out to see him. Me?

What did I do?

Well, just now.

You supported me.

Well, I didn't mean it. Well, I meant it, but I didn't mean to tick him off.

When? When what?

When, when, when? It's a simple question.

Okay, okay. Tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow's my birthday.

Maybe he's going to throw you a surprise party.

Somehow, I doubt it.

Come on, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson, for creating such a convivial atmosphere for us all to work

in.

Boy, this is probably going to show up on my record, too.

I'm going to remember this the next time you all want to borrow my Aretha

Franklin records.

Ready this way, gentlemen.

Ever taken.

Stop complaining.

I'm not complaining. The guy asked me a question. The flight was long, you

snored, and the stewardess looked like a former prison guard.

If you gentlemen will wait here, I'll get Mrs.

Riddle, the president's secretary.

You really are something, Benson. Clayton was right.

What do you mean, Clayton was right?

I don't care to discuss it right now. We're in the White House.

Why do you keep telling me where we are? I know where we are. What are you, a

Michelin guide?

Hello. I'm Mrs. Riddle, the President's secretary. Oh, how do you do? I'm

Governor Gatling. Oh, everyone around here knows who you two are.

Will you follow me, please, Governor Gatling?

Lieutenant Governor Dubois.

She didn't cut you any slack in this town, did she?

Yes, sir, Mr. President.

I understand.

No problem.

I'll handle it.

Right this way, gentlemen.

Oh, yes, Mr. President.

Uh -huh.

Yes, sir.

The president will be with you shortly.

Actually, that is not the case.

I've just spoken with the president telephonically, and for reasons I am

to divulge, he is unavoidably detained.

Do you have any endicots in your family tree?

At any rate, the president should be along.

In about ten minutes.

Well, maybe we should wait outside.

The president has requested that you wait here in the Oval Office.

We're not going to make a break for it.

Pardon me?

Ah, yes.

Your reputation for humor precedes you.

Mrs. Riddle, perhaps you will provide the governor...

And the lieutenant governor with some refreshments. Of course.

Gentlemen.

I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable. Keep your feet off the

I used to have a teacher like her in the third grade.

Speaking of the third grade, I need to go to the little boy's room.

Well, this is the president's private office. I'm sure there's a private

bathroom somewhere. Yeah, but where? There are no doors.

Well, there's a door right there.

Oh, I wonder how you open it. What, that there's a hidden button?

Why don't you try pushing it?

Oh.

Oh, it is a bathroom. I'll be right back.

set the cart over there.

We seem to be missing the governor. Oh, yes. Well, he went to... Oh, yes.

Is there anything else I can do for you? No, no, I'm fine.

Please be careful with your coffee cups.

All the furnishings in here are of historical significance.

The desk was Jefferson's. The chair belonged to Wilson.

The rug was Eisenhower's. And we all know who the tape recorder belongs to.

get somebody hello uh hello

i can't make i can't find anybody uh uh let me call the maintenance man

you can't use the president's telephone would you rather he found you stuck in

his private bathroom hello i'm uh calling from the uh beg your pardon

The red phone isn't red.

Uh, let me see if I can explain this to you, Comrade Chernyanko.

Excuse me.

Governor Gadlin.

Yes? Turn off the light.

I'd rather not.

That's how you open the door.

Oh.

Oh.

Well, I'll be dark off.

I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

Mr. Baker, if it's going to be that long, maybe Benson and I should just go

for lunch. I have specific orders to keep you here in the office.

I'll check back with you later.

And Mr.

Lieutenant Governor, please don't make any more transatlantic phone calls.

I'm sorry, Benson, it's all my fault.

Well, no, we probably wouldn't even be here in the White House if it...

weren't from me and my big mouth.

Well, that's certainly true.

I was apologizing.

No, I didn't hear you say sorry.

What?

Sorry.

That's what you're going to say to the president?

What?

Sorry. I don't owe the president any apology.

Think he called you here for a few pointers on public speaking?

Well, if you call me here for an apology, he's in for a major

I certainly hope you're not going to take that attitude with the president.

Well, now, wait a minute, Governor. I have every right to express my opinion

this. The budget cuts he made hurt my constituents.

Oh, I know that, Benson. It isn't what you said. It's the way you said it.

Oh.

So that's what you meant when you said Clayton was right.

I'm just trying to help you. I don't want you to hang yourself with your big

mouth. Hmm, big mouth?

I didn't mean that the way it sounded.

Well, there are only two words, big and mouth.

Let's just forget it.

I may spout off about things that concern me, but I certainly am willing

the consequences. Yes, and this time I get to face them with you. I didn't need

you to take up for me.

Apparently, you don't need me at all, Benson.

Oh, now, wait a minute. Now, he's not getting us anywhere.

Why don't we just drop it?

Consider it dropped.

Coffee?

Do you want some coffee?

There you go.

Watch it, I don't spill the coffee.

What?

No, no, I just said I don't spill the coffee.

You know, I'm not a total idiot.

I never said you were. I just said it looked like you were going to spill the

coffee. Well, if we're going to go on picking at each other, I'd rather just

here quite quietly until the president arrives.

That's okay with me. Fine.

Okay. Fine.

Okay.

Fine.

idea, Benson?

Yeah, I'll call somebody.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Call the Russians again.

Okay, fine. You call somebody.

You're the one who spilled coffee on Ike's roof.

I didn't do it on purpose.

I didn't say you did it on purpose. Well, I didn't imply that you said I

And I didn't say that you implied that I said you did. All right!

We agree.

What are we doing? Just cleaning up a rug.

No, I mean, why are we at each other? Oh, I don't know. I guess there's a

tension on the whole situation.

Well, there's something more than that.

Yeah, I guess so.

I guess I'm upset because being here in this office and knowing it's the only

damn way I'm ever going to get here.

Oh, I didn't know you had presidential aspirations.

Well, of course. Why do you think I went into politics?

Think all I ever aspired to be was governor of some jerkwater state?

Now, wait a minute, now. I'm lieutenant governor of that jerkwater state, and

I'm pretty proud of the fact.

Well, you should be, and I should be.

Do you ever think you might want to

be president?

Yeah.

But what if Hollywood calls me to do the Michael Jackson story?

Mr. Benson, you could do it.

You've got the tools.

You have to make a lot of compromises to get to this office and sit in that

seat.

For the time being, I think I'd rather remain an opinionated lieutenant

from a jerkwater state.

Well, if you ever change your mind, you got my vote.

Your vote?

How about a couple of large contributions?

Whatever you need, you've got.

Thank you. I appreciate that, Governor.

Why do you never call me Gene?

Oh, I don't know.

Never gave it much thought, I guess.

Why? Oh, I don't know. I just... We've been friends for so long, and I just

wondered why you never called me Gene.

Probably out of a certain apprehension that you would retaliate and call me

Benny.

Which I hate.

But if you want me to call you Gene, I'll call you Gene.

You shouldn't. It makes you feel uncomfortable.

It makes no difference to me. I mean, whatever you want, Gene.

You got it, Gene.

After all, it's your birthday, Gene.

Why'd you bring that up?

Your birthday?

You think I'm too old to be president, don't you?

No, no, no, no. We all know that age and former line of work has nothing to do

with becoming president.

I don't know why I'm depressed, Benson.

I always liked birthdays.

The thing and the cake and making a wish.

Oh, diddy -waddy, diddy -waddy.

I'll sit Clayton on you.

Wait a minute. Wait right here. I got an idea.

Uh, Mrs. Riddle?

Dinker?

Could I see you two for a moment, please?

Is there something we can do for you, Lieutenant Governor?

There certainly is, Mrs. Riddle.

Today is Governor Gatling's birthday.

Many happy returns, sir.

Felicitations, Governor.

Many happy returns, felicitations? What are you two saving it for?

Come on, loosen up. Today's the guy's birthday.

What we need here is a cake and a candle. You have any matches?

You don't have a candle.

Do you have any matches, Binker?

Thank you.

Okay. Everybody sing.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear governor.

Call me Gene.

Benson knows.

Thank you.

What do you say?

Thank you for including us.

Will there be anything else?

Yeah, yeah, I guess that's all. I don't want you two getting too stimulated.

Before I go, I have a message from the president.

What, another delay?

Actually, a cancellation.

Cancellation? You mean we came all this way for nothing?

The president wishes me to convey a message to you.

He appreciates your interest and concern in the federal budget. He has

considered your criticisms of certain proposals, and he has reached the

conclusion that he is right and you are wrong.

He has also asked me to give you these.

Souvenir pens, which you use to sign a letter.

confirming the information I have given you.

Thank you very much.

Have a good day.

You know what this means, don't you? What?

We've traveled 1 ,900 miles to get a cup of coffee, two plastic pans, and some

stale pastry.

We could have done better than that at the supermarket opening.

Well, I don't know. I think we got some more out of it than that.

Yeah, I guess we did, Gene.

You know, when I hear you say it like that, it sounds kind of funny.

Does that mean you don't want me to say it?

Well, no, no, no, I didn't say that. It's just that... Would you like me to

you Eugene?

Oh, no, no, I've always hated Eugene.

How about Xavier?

That's my middle name, but I think Governor... How about Aloysius?

You're trying to make a joke of this, aren't you? You know,

I can be funny about your name, too, if I want to be.

What did you call me? Da Boobie.