Original subtitles

What are you doing in here?

I'm going to get a cup of coffee. Well, get it and get out. I don't want you

lollygagging around my kitchen.

Okay. I don't want to hang around here anyway.

If I could get coffee somewhere else, I would.

Would you just get out?

Would it bother you if I stayed?

Yeah. Good.

Oh, Benson, just the man I want to see.

Today is your lucky day.

I can see that gleam in your eye, Pete.

You want me to do some dumb talk show or some useless interview?

Dumb? Useless?

That's what you think of the work I do, huh?

Fine, I'll get somebody else to judge the beauty pageant. Beauty pageant?

On the other hand, you need some help.

I'll tell them that you accept.

Accept what?

A Nobel Prize.

Don't tell me you didn't get one.

He's gonna be a judge of the Miss Capital City beauty pageant.

And you're not.

The sacrifices I make for this job? Right, right. You stick with that story.

I think the whole idea of a beauty pageant is disgusting.

Thank you, Miss Sour Grapes.

He's here. He's here.

Just act natural.

Hi,

Gretchen. Hi, Denise.

There you go.

Thank you, Buck.

My pleasure, Gretchen.

You look real nice today.

Oh, well, I... I'll catch you in two weeks.

If you need me for anything, my number's on the cooler.

Really?

The two of you?

I find this kind of behavior revolting. Oh, really?

Really. Oh, it's okay for you guys to do it, huh?

Well, thank you, Kraus, for the coffee and the floor show.

What do you mean?

What do I mean? You and Denise.

You have no room to talk, Benson. At least I have some personal interest in

Buck. You just want to look at pretty girls.

That's right. There's nothing wrong with looking.

Right, and there's nothing wrong with me looking at gorgeous men.

That's right, that's right. Go right ahead. Just don't frighten them.

Vincent, Vincent.

Tell me honestly.

Do you think I'm too old for Buck?

Well, it's none of my business. But yeah.

I just keep wondering what a man like Buck sees in someone like me.

I haven't the foggiest idea.

I guess I'm feeling a little insecure.

He's not the kind of guy who usually falls for me.

You're just as desirable as the next woman.

I'm getting out of here while my ego is still intact. Excuse me.

Okay, ladies, just come right in here and make yourself comfortable.

Hiya, Vincent.

I'm Popeye the

Sailor Man.

So, who are all your friends, Pete? Well, these are some of the contestants,

I'm showing them around the city.

This is Mr. Benson Dubois. Let's have a big Miss Capital City smile.

My, my, my.

Look at all those lovely teeth.

Now, Benson, listen, I was wondering if you... Oh, my goodness, this is

wonderful.

Still waters run deep.

Still waters run fast.

Benson, do you know Estelle?

Apparently not as well as you do.

Are you in this beauty package? Yes. I'm Miss Lumber Merchant.

Estelle's father is my old Navy buddy.

Good old Reggie.

He saved my life in Okinawa. Did I ever tell you that story?

Well, I've got to get these girls moving. No, no, no.

You will love this story.

Uh, Benson.

Benson.

Uh, Benson, I, uh, was just passing by on my way to the hardware store. I

thought I'd stop by and see if you needed anything.

Oh, come to think of it, Clayton, why don't you pick me up a bucket of grout?

Oh, well, girls, there's an awful lot of sites still left to see, so let's get

back to that bus, okay?

Give my love to you, Daddy. I will.

Go.

But you look awfully familiar.

That's a very old line.

But I don't care.

You're kind of cute.

Well,

when you got it.

Girl, imagine that. I owe my life to him, you know. Yeah, you mentioned that.

Boy, she has turned into quite a beauty, hasn't she? She certainly has.

Wouldn't it be nice if she won?

Well, let's keep our fingers crossed.

Oh, I just remembered. You were going to be one of the judges, right?

Oh, I just remembered.

I gotta get a car. Today's Buckwheat's birthday.

Can't see you there.

Benson, Benson.

Mind if I join you?

Yes.

Good.

Benson, there are a couple of things we should discuss.

What things?

Oh, you know, business, philosophy.

ramifications of the fiscal year, nuclear proliferation.

Tawny.

What's a tawny?

Tawny from the beauty pageant. The one who's crazy about me.

Oh, Clayton, you know, I can't discuss any of the contestants.

Of course. I understand.

And I respect your integrity.

Good. You're a man of honor.

Thank you.

Anything special you want for your birthday?

Clayton, I know you think of the pageant as a joke, but I can assure you that

the contestants take it seriously, the organizers take it seriously, and I take

it very seriously.

Come on, Jensen.

This isn't a presidential election.

I mean, people rig those contests all the time.

You know, I've always thought of you as a jerk.

But I see I'll have to revise my opinion. You're a weasel.

Fine, fine.

Ruin my midlife.

You don't have a midlife.

Hi, Benson.

Hi, Jacob.

Why aren't you in school?

I wasn't feeling too good.

What's the matter?

Do you think I'm beautiful?

Sure.

But isn't this a talk you should be having with your dad?

I can't. Anytime I bring up anything that has to do with sex, Dad gets jumpy.

Well, talk to Miss Krause. Well, maybe not.

It's about the beauty contest.

What about the beauty contest?

Well, I don't know. It's all kind of confusing.

I mean, beauty contests are, you know, kind of gross.

But I think it would be neat to be Miss America.

Yeah, well, I know what you mean, Katie.

A lot of people think that beauty pageants are stupid.

Don't you?

Not really. I think it's a chance for those girls to get a college

maybe get a career started.

I don't think people have a right to question their motives.

Then how come people are always putting them down?

I don't know.

I don't have all the answers.

You did when I was ten.

Well, that's because the questions were simpler.

Katie, what are you doing down here? You're supposed to be upstairs, Nick.

for talking to Benson.

Thanks, Benson. Sure.

Were you expecting an army?

Buck is coming over for lunch.

For lunch?

Looks more like he's coming over for the winter.

He happens to have a very hearty appetite.

Well, he should. He's a growing boy.

Is that a crack about my age?

Oh, come on, Cross. If you're going to date these children, you can't be all

that sensitive about it.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Benson, do you think we have a chance?

Not as long as you're seeing Buck.

You know what I mean.

I think Buck likes me, and I like him, but we are from two different worlds.

Yeah, bucks from Earth.

Would you get serious?

I mean, for instance, he likes the boogie, I like the warts.

He likes French fries, I like French food.

He likes you, you like him.

What is your point? Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I'm making too much out of this. It could be he's just looking for a

friend. You know, you can analyze one of these relationships right out of

existence. Right, right.

If a buddy is what he wants, that's what I'll be. I'll just be his buddy. Good

plan, Kraus.

Just be his buddy.

Oh, and Gretchen. Yeah?

If you have other needs, you know where I am.

Hi there, Gretchen.

Buck,

you're early.

Lunch isn't ready yet. Oh, that's okay.

Listen, I was just kind of thinking that... What is it,

Buck?

I'm not real good with words.

Is something wrong?

No, I just... Well, I... Oh, help!

Gee, the money system has changed since I was a scout.

Oh, Vincent, am I glad to see you. I have to talk to you about Buck.

Who died and made me dear Abby?

No, no, no, this is not a problem. This is good news.

Thank God.

What happened?

I have decided to dump Buck.

Congratulations. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Don't you want to know why I'm

dumping him? Not really.

Well, I don't want you thinking I am just doing this on a whim.

I'm not thinking about you at all.

See, once we got past all that physical stuff, I realized I was only doing this

for my own ego.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this guy.

Well, I'm sure you've made the right decision, Kraus. Can I go to my office

I'm going to tell him tonight at the governor's reception.

I just have to think of a delicate way of doing it. Well, I have a suggestion.

You could resign, leave town, and never be heard from again.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Very much.

Well, eat your heart out. It's not going to happen.

I've got to get out more, meet some normal people.

Hi, Benson.

Too late.

Listen, Benson, I had a really interesting thought. If I had died in

wouldn't be governor today.

So?

So if I weren't governor, you wouldn't be budget director.

So?

So in a sense, you could say that we both owe our jobs to Estelle's dad,

Potter.

And if Reggie Potter were in the competition, I'd be tempted to vote for

I'll see you later.

Just not getting through to him.

she something, huh?

Personally, she looked pretty well fed to me.

Oh, he'll pay for that.

What do you think of Estelle's talent, huh?

The girl can juggle.

Well, it's not how she juggles as much as what she juggles. You're right.

I've never seen anyone juggle frozen chickens.

Keep that in mind when you're marking your ballot. I certainly will.

Well, it looks like they're ready backstage, and so am I, so... The

competition! Maestro!

Just can't wait any longer.

Buck, I... I have to talk to you.

Go ahead, Gretchen.

Buck, could you look at me when I talk to you?

Would you use both eyes?

What is it, Gretchen?

Oh, never mind. I'll tell you later.

That ends our swimsuit competition.

Let's hear it, huh?

Oh, yeah.

How come they never have girls like that where I swim?

That's going to cost him one microwave oven.

Okay.

Now, this next part of the contest gives our contestants a chance to express

themselves on issues of the day, and it gives our judges a final chance to make

their decisions.

Let's start with Miss Downtown Retailers. And here she is, Tony Sands.

Hi, Tony.

Now, Tony, here's your question.

How would you achieve world peace?

Thank you, Pete.

I think we could achieve world peace if people of all nations would just

hold hands.

All right, so she'll never work for the State Department.

Because if you're holding somebody's hand, you can't be holding a gun.

Makes as much sense as anything Alexander Haig ever said.

ladies, in spite of the results, you're all winners.

Having some fun now.

Hello, Governor.

Benson.

I didn't see you.

You didn't see me?

You must be upset because Estelle didn't win.

Why should I be upset? What's done is done.

And you did it.

You know, I'm trying to maintain a sense of humor about this Estelle business,

but I gotta say, you're out of line.

I beg your pardon?

No, I mean it. You're out of line. Now, wait a minute, Penzo. I don't think you

understand. I understand perfectly.

You wanted me to sway this contest in favor of Estelle.

I expect that sort of thing from Clayton, but not from you.

I'm like, Clayton?

That's really a low blow.

I was just trying to help a friend.

By using a friend?

Yeah. I guess that's what I was doing. You're angry with me?

Do I look happy?

I'm really sorry, Benson.

Like you said, I was out of line.

I'll go congratulate the winner.

Actually, the redhead was my first choice, too.

Hi. Could I ask you a favor?

What's up?

Yeah, I'm taking off.

Tell Gretchen for me.

Well, she's in the kitchen. Tell her yourself.

Oh, no, I can't do that.

Tawny's the jealous type.

Tawny? Yeah, can you really hit it off? She's the one I'm leaving with.

See you around the water cooler.

Well, that does it. I'm getting out of here.

Benson, have you seen Buck?

So close to freedom.

Uh, Krause, can we go somewhere private?

In your dreams, lover boy.

Look, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm going to tell you straight out.

Buck took off with another woman.

Oh, how could he do this to me?

Just when I was getting ready to break the bad news to him.

Look, Krauss, I'm sorry. I know how you must feel. I mean, just once I would

like to be the dumper instead of the dumpee.

Krauss, look at the bright side.

For once you dealt with a relationship like an adult. When things didn't go

right, you thought it through and made the right decision. That should make you

feel good.

Yeah. Now you mention it, I do feel pretty good about myself.

Yeah? See?

You know something, Benson? It's ironic.

You are the only man I've ever been able to open up to to share my private

thoughts with.

And yet...

I don't really like you.

Somehow, I wish you did.

Oh, really?

Why? Well, you know, then we could get to know each other, spend some time

together.

And then, when we were really close, I could dump you.