Original subtitles

Morning, Pete.

Hiya, Benji. Oh, you got a minute? Sure, Pete. What's up? I'm doing this quiz in

Cashflow Magazine.

There's only one question I don't understand.

Do we have any liquid assets?

That depends.

Do you own a water bin?

Don't kid around, Benson. Come on. This is an MQ test.

A what?

Well, you know, your money quotient. You answer these 20 questions, and it tells

you what kind of a money manager you are. And what kind are you?

Well, according to this, I can't afford to buy the next issue.

I've got to learn to manage my money.

Otherwise, I face an uncertain future.

Pete, the way you manage your money, you face an uncertain lunch.

I've got to say, everybody, I got hot buns.

stove again, huh, Kraus?

Eating the grease.

Do you want one of these? No, I can't have anything to eat. I'm on my way over

to Dr. Phillips for my annual physical.

Oh, good. Can I come?

Sorry, Kraus. It's been sold out for weeks.

Come on, Benton. I have to see Dr.

Phillips, too. Will you give me a ride or not?

Okay. Oh, I thought you already had your physical.

Yeah, well, Dr.

Phillips wants another blood sample.

The first batch went bad.

If he's looking for a good batch from you, he's got the wrong patient.

I am only letting you get a favor set because you are giving me a ride.

I'll get my bag.

Okay, but cut two holes in it so you don't bump into things.

I'll never be any good with money.

Boy, am I depressed.

Do something about it.

Yeah, you're right. I think I'll go buy myself a present.

Now that you're here, yes.

This is Rex, Rapid Electric Express.

Is this the commuter train you want the legislature to approve?

That's right. Just picture this baby streaking around the countryside.

It's easy to picture it streaking around a Christmas tree.

I'm ready. Let's get going, Benson.

Where are you two going?

Benson and I are going to the doctor for blood tests.

I'd be the first to congratulate you.

I'm going to the doctor for my annual physical.

Yeah, Clayton, when are you going for yours?

Oh, not until my personal physician returns from the Bahamas.

Oh, is he there on vacation?

No, he's evading taxes.

Let's get this over with.

I hate going to the doctor.

It's awful having a stranger look at my body.

Think how he feels.

Miss Krause, we're ready for you.

Let's see if we can't get this right this time.

Yeah, what happened to my last blood test?

I don't know. The doctor just asked us to get some more.

There wasn't anything wrong, Vosir. I suggest you wait and talk to the doctor

about that. Please, go in. Thank you.

Mr. Dubois, the doctor will be with you in a minute. No hurry. I'm reading this

fascinating article on 101 things to do with a pine cone.

This is interesting.

Number 95 is illegal in six states.

Just kidding. It's me. I'll be right out.

This is a man I trust with my life.

How are you, Benson?

I'm not being rude. I just don't know where Dr. Hand has been.

I do this for the kids. They love it. Yeah, but they're sick when they come in

here.

Now, we're going to get started just as soon as my nurse finishes with Gretchen.

No hurry. Hey, this is some collection of trophies you got here. Looks like

golf game's improving.

What? Oh, no. Those are for my horses. Oh.

Well, then, their golf game is improving.

Come on, Benson, they don't play golf, just polo.

Actually, I race them.

You ever beat them?

Benson, I own horses.

This filly of mine won the state derby a few years ago.

No kidding. Is she still racing?

No, her racing days are over. She fell last year, and she hasn't been the same

since. Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, I wish there was something I could do for her. Well, you're not a miracle

worker. Well, I'm afraid the old gal's days are numbered.

No hope, huh?

No, I'm afraid she's dying.

I keep saying to myself, why her? She has such great legs.

How much time's she got?

It's hard to say. Maybe six months.

Not much time.

Gee, I hope I'm not depressing you.

No, not at all. You can't live forever.

That's my problem.

Your problem will begin as soon as I get my stethoscope out of the refrigerator.

A little doctor joke.

Oh, good. You're all done. Come on, Benson. My nurse will show you where to

undressed. That sounds like more fun.

Krauss, where'd you go this morning?

When I finished with the doctor, you were gone.

I decided to walk home.

Why don't you tell somebody?

I don't want to talk about it, Benson. I'm in the middle of something.

Total assets, beneficiaries, what is this?

Don't you know anything?

It's a will kit.

A will kit?

I got it at the bookstore on the way home. Does it come with a little lawyer

inside?

As long as you're here, Benson, I need your signature on this as a witness.

All right, okay.

What does this will say?

That I am of sound mind.

Well, surely you got the wrong kid.

I should have known better than to ask you for a favor. Okay, okay, give me the

will. Just don't tell me what you're leaving me.

Your thining visit.

Well, if nobody wants to kill your railroad bill... Well, then why is it

stalemated in committee? Senator Lyman thinks it's too expensive.

Senator Lyman's right. I told Clayton to cut costs.

But, Al Benton, sir, I've dedicated the last six months of my life to this

train. Rex will allow commuters to travel with speed, comfort, and a

amount of elegance. You can't let Senator Lyman do this to me. Clayton,

taking all this too personally.

I want my electric train.

Clayton, you keep this up, and they're going to send you to your room.

It's not fair.

You want the train trim to bill.

There's nothing left to trim.

Come on, Clayton, there's enough... and that budget to French Fry, Idaho.

Well, I'm convinced you and Clayton worked it out.

Me and Clayton?

Yes, trim the bill and resubmit it.

Sir, now look what you've done. Yeah, but it's the first time I've done it to

myself.

Hi, Mr. House.

Oh, Katie, what are you doing home so early?

The furnace broke down, so they canceled school.

You're lucky. In Bavaria, when the furnace broke down, they brought the

inside.

We're off tomorrow, too. I'm setting my alarm for 6 o 'clock.

Why so early?

I've got a big day planned.

First I make breakfast, then I go skating, then I go to the library, then

shopping, then I break for lunch. Hold on, Katie. You can't do all that in one

day. Why not?

Well, you'll wear yourself out.

Miss Cross, look at me. I'm 11 years old and I haven't done anything with my

life.

Well, what can you do by 11?

Plenty. Look at Mozart at my age.

Or Christy McNichol.

At least you have your whole life ahead of you. The way I see it, you gotta go

for it while you can.

You know something?

You are right.

Why, there's a whole world out there just waiting to be sampled.

You and I will both get up early tomorrow.

Like you say, Katie, go for it while you can.

Please, Benson, not the observation car. Cut anything but the observation car.

Let me get this straight. I can't cut the club car or the dining coach or the

observation car? Right.

Okay, we'll cut the engine.

Cut the engine? The train wouldn't go anywhere.

No, but there'd be a great restaurant near the train station.

I'd draw the line at the dining car. I will not have people walking up and down

the aisle peddling sandwiches.

Hi, Benson.

I want to make a deal with you. Uh -huh.

I wrecked my cake.

Pete, I'm not about to buy what's left of your lunch.

No, this isn't my lunch. These are my financial records.

You couldn't afford a shoebox?

No, I don't want a shoebox.

I want help. Benson, I want somebody to set me up on a budget and keep me on it.

So why'd you come to me?

You're the budget director. Money's your life.

No way, Pete. I deal in millions.

Okay, you're right.

It's my problem. I'll work it out on my own. Thanks anyway.

What did you do that for?

There's no sense saving that stuff. I don't know what to do with it.

You were my last hope. Give me that bag.

I'm going to give you one month.

I'll set up your budget and handle your spending. Give me your checkbook and

your credit card.

Now, what if I want to buy something?

You'll have to come to me.

So you're going to handle everything, right?

Right. This is great. I should have done this a long time ago.

Thanks a lot, pal.

Oh, incidentally, I need 20 bucks.

No.

Absolutely not.

Way to go, Benson. Stand firm.

How about ten?

No. Five?

Forget it, Pete.

I love it. You've already saved me 35 bucks.

So, Daddy, what do you think? Did you like it?

It's really very good, Kitty. No wonder you won the merit badge for cooking.

What is it?

It's called Camp Girl's Omelette. You mix eggs with anything you can find.

Where did you find the maraschino cherries?

Hi, Benson. You want some of my omelette? No, thanks, sugar.

Come on, I made it special.

Some other time. I've got a dinner date.

Benson, eat.

Why not?

Oh, you're in for a real treat. I'm sure.

Here you go.

You're gonna love it.

Uh...

Daddy. Oh, it was wonderful, Daddy.

I guess my taste buds are immature.

I thought it was gross.

Good evening.

What's everybody looking at?

Wow.

Miss Krause, you look stunning.

It's my new outfit.

I'm going to that disco down the street tonight.

Why, did they lose their strobe lights?

Funny, Miss Krause. I never thought of you at the disco time.

That was the old Miss Krause, Governor.

Straight -laced, afraid to take chances.

The new Miss Krause doesn't care if she makes a complete fool of herself.

Sounds like the old Miss Krause to me.

Well, it looks like you're out for a good time.

You betcha.

From now on, it's lookout world. Here I come.

Benson, payroll says you got my check. Uh -huh. Where is it? In the bank.

Well, how am I going to get any money? You got my checks, you got my credit

cards. How am I going to live?

I'll pay your bills and give you a weekly allowance.

You're going to give me an allowance?

Well, Pete, you're the one who wrote me into being your money manager.

Yeah, but I didn't ask you to be my father.

What do I got to do? Mow the lawn before I get it?

Well, like it or not, starting today, you get $25 a week.

$25?

Forget it, Benson. The deal's off. Oh, no, it isn't. No, I went through a lot

trouble to set this all up, and we're going to stick with it.

Benson, Benson, we're talking about my money. You can talk about it. You just

can't have it.

Okay. Okay, we'll see about that.

Frankly, Benson, I don't need you or my money.

Sounds like United States foreign policy to me.

What's wrong with Pete?

He wants a bigger allowance.

So does Katie.

Kids today?

now that you've emasculated my train.

I didn't emasculate your train. It still has its caboose.

You made everything plastic.

Well, the point is, Clayton, now you have a train that's efficient, safe, and

will get the job done.

With a price tag that the legislature can live with.

We'll soon find out. I've set that dinner with Senator Lyman's committee

tonight, and we can discuss all the changes that you made in Clayton's

Where is Miss Krause? She should be here.

She never seems to be around anymore.

I know. Pleasant, isn't it?

Good morning.

So much for the good times.

Miss Krause, I have invited a group of senators for dinner tonight, and I was

hoping you could fix something special.

You want it tonight?

We realize it's short -noted. You bet your bobsled it is.

You want a special dinner? Send out for pizza.

It's a safe dinner, not a fraternity party.

Miss Krause.

Let me explain. This dinner is very important to us. Yes, we're trying to

Senator Lyman on my railroad bill.

Oh, well, that's different. I suppose the staff could throw together

I'll leave them a note.

Let me understand it. You're going to let the staff handle an important state

function unsupervised?

Ja. If so happens, I have made other plans for tonight.

Krauss, not those experiments again. I told you, you can't create lies.

Miss Krause, this is really an important dinner. I'd really like you to stay.

Is that an order, sir?

No, it's a request.

Well, in that case, I'll have to turn down your request.

See, you people expect too much of me. I've spoiled you.

Well, from now on, I spoil myself.

I have my own life to lead. And if you don't like it, you can get yourself

another head of household affairs.

I'm asleep, not dead.

Who is it?

That's for me to know, and you to find out.

No fair peeking, Benson.

Ralph, you're parted. Get in here before the neighbors see you.

What's the matter?

Afraid they'll get the wrong idea about me? Afraid they'll get the wrong idea

about me.

Two of your neighbors was I was getting out of the cab.

I think they had been drinking.

What are you doing here? It's four o 'clock in the morning.

Four o 'clock? Well, that party broke up earlier than I thought.

What party?

My boyfriend Arnold invited me to his niece's wedding reception.

They held it on the top floor of that big red building over on Zickmore

Red building? That's the firehouse.

Ah, that explains why the groom disappeared when the bell went off.

You still haven't answered my question.

Why are you here?

Why are any of us here, Benson?

What did you drink at the wedding?

Fruit punch.

Fruit punch. I'll get you some coffee.

Where is Arnold now? Well, he was polluted, so I dropped him off at the Y.

He didn't want his mother to see him like that.

You go out with a man who still lives with his mother?

He doesn't live with her.

Whom's this her?

You want to go up on the roof and watch the sunrise?

No, I don't want to go anywhere except your bed.

Oh, you men are all alike.

I'll call you a cab.

You've called me worse things than that.

I'm not going anywhere.

Okay, I'll call me a cab.

Well, before you go, I have brought you something.

Wait till you see it's out in the hole. For information, give me the telephone

number to the Sunshine Cab Company.

What do you mean they're out of business?

What the hell is that?

It's a family heirloom. Papa used it in Bavaria to call his goats.

Where were his goats? In Cleveland?

Listen to this.

Stop that! Stop that!

My neighbors are sleeping.

Not anymore.

Come on, Benson, you try it.

If I blow on that thing, I'll have every goat in the neighborhood on my

doorstep. You don't want to use it as a horn? That's okay.

Stand it up and make a lamp out of it.

That's right.

you giving me this? What have I ever done to you? Well, I know it looks

Benson, but my father left me that horn. I treasure it more than anything in the

world, and I wanted to give it to you before I go.

Well, thank you very much. Mission accomplished.

Now, good night, Krauss.

Stop pretending you don't care, Benson.

You're the only one who knows what I am going through.

Well, if I had my way, you'd be going through the front door.

That coward Dr.

Phillips wouldn't tell me anything.

What did he say to you, Benson?

Exactly. What have I got?

About ten seconds.

There's no way to talk to a dying woman with a headache.

If you think you're dying now, wait till tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning? That soon?

But I heard Dr.

Phillips tell you I had six months.

Six months, Krauss? What are you talking about?

Oh, I think this is it. What? Here it comes. The room is spinning.

do this to me?

Arnold, stop that. What would your mother say?

Yuck. That is the worst coffee I have ever tasted.

Yeah, well, don't worry about it. Just drink it.

Doctor will be here any moment. What time is it? It's almost six o 'clock.

Six o 'clock? The filters are coming tonight and I haven't started dinner.

Relax, Kraut. That was last night, remember?

You played hooky and went to the firehouse. Yeah, that's right.

So how did the dinner go?

Without a hitch. And I think the state's going to get the new railroad.

Oh, that's nice.

Too bad I'll never live to see it.

Relax, relax. Just the door.

Ah, doctor.

Thanks for coming. Thanks for calling, Benson. What's this nonsense about

Gretchen dying?

She said you gave her six months to live.

I never told her that, Gretchen.

I never told you you were dying.

You didn't have the courage to tell me. I overheard you and Benson talking about

me in your office.

When? The day Benson had his physical. You said I had great legs.

I told you she was delirious.

You talked about me dying. I remember your exact words.

The old girl's days are numbered.

I think I can straighten this out. I sure hope so. You want some coffee? Yes,

thanks. How about you, Crouch? You want some oats?

What does he mean, oats?

He was referring to the conversation you overheard. We weren't discussing you,

Gretchen. We were discussing one of my horses.

Horses? Yes, Gretchen.

Your horse is dying?

Yes, Gretchen.

am not dying. The way your physical turned out, you could live to be a

Just my luck.

I'm going to live.

I'm going to live.

I'm going to live.

Hot damn!

Did you get her out of here?

Come on, Gretchen, I'll give you a lift back to the mansion. Thank you, doctor.

I'll be down in a minute. Okay, Gretchen.

No more horsing around.

Horsing around.

Yes.

I really made a jackass of myself, didn't I?

Well, let's put it this way, Kraus. If there was a Nobel Prize for jackasses,

you'd be on your way to Stockholm.

You know something, Benson?

When something like this happens, it makes you think about what is really

important, and it all boils down to one thing.

People. People you really care about.

And you are one of those people.

Thank you, Kraus.

Thank you for putting up with me. Oh, don't mention it. Listen, can I ask you

something? Sure.

Would you get out?

Yeah, I'll see you later.

You know, there was one other thing that kept running through my mind when I

thought I was dying. What's that? I kept saying, why me?

Why me?

Why not Bentham?

she want now.

Are you Benson Dubois?

Have you been drinking?

Just answer the questions, please. Are you Benson Dubois?

What do you want?

I'll take that as a yes.

Is this your domicile?

Yes, this is my domicile and this is my door, which I'm about to close smack dab

in your face. Oh, wait a minute.

There's one more thing.

This better be good. Oh, it is.

Benson Dubois?

I hereby serve you with this summons to appear in small claims court.

I want my money back.