Original subtitles

It came on page 70.

Hey, who tore page 70 out of my mystery magazine?

This cooking recipe was on page 71.

Yeah, but you got the page in which they named the killer.

Come on, don't you know who did it? I know who's going to do it.

It was the doctor.

You better watch yourself, Cross.

You know, with a good lawyer, I'd be out in four years.

Are my cookies ready, Miss Cross?

Almost.

Be sure to share something with Tommy and Sally.

Okay. It's nice of you to do this, Gretchen. Thanks. Sure.

Now, you have a good time this weekend, Liebchen. You really gonna take all the

kids to the amusement park?

Are you kidding? That's all they've been able to talk about.

Marcy promised to go on the gut buster with them.

Yeah, the gut buster, huh?

Your insurance paid up?

What does that mean?

Oh, nothing.

I hear they made it a lot safer.

Safer? Yeah, I gotta admire you, Marcy.

I wrote it.

Once, I broke into a cold sweat, my knees were shaking, I couldn't catch my

breath, and that's while I was still standing in line.

That's so funny. I don't find that funny.

You're right. Let's not talk about it.

It's fine with me.

Actually, the beginning of the ride isn't that bad. It's very slow.

Oh, that's nice.

That's because you're climbing straight up, you know.

It goes up and up and up, and then you get to the top and it starts down. Boy,

there you are, staring dead into eternity, and your mouth is wide open.

can't scream because your heart is in your mouth. And, of course, you hope you

die, but, you know, unfortunately, you don't die.

I don't want to hear anymore.

But he hasn't gotten to the best part yet.

I don't care.

I'm not going up on that thing. You said you would.

I lied.

What's the matter, Marcy? Chicken?

She's not chicken.

Are you, Marcy?

We'll talk about it in the car.

Bye, everybody.

See you Monday.

Happy landings, Marcy.

Oh, cute. You're very cute.

Well, I hope they have a good time. You know, when I was a girl in Bavaria, we

didn't have amusement parks.

But every spring, the carnival came to town.

Here we go again.

Yeah.

The dancing bears, the jugglers, the bearded baby.

The bearded baby.

And the star attraction had a crush on me. He even took me out to dinner.

Didn't work out so.

Why not?

He was a fire eater.

So? So, every time he laughed, I had to duck.

Talk about dragon breath.

When do you feel you must share these stories with me?

Jack Beddows took another swipe at the governor in his column today. Did you

it? I never read that Jack Meadows. Every day he lies.

Yeah, well, this time he's gone too far. Hey, listen to this.

Talk around town is that Governor Clean Gene Gatling may soon be recalled.

I'm going to demand a retraction. What's there to retract?

It's all rumors. Rumors without fact.

Hey, this is the same guy we have to peel off the bar at every press party.

Not as a fact.

Has the governor seen this yet?

No. He's too busy getting ready for his Navy reunion dinner. He's really looking

forward to it. Yeah, he's been singing anchors away all...

Get on this first thing Monday.

Got any plans this weekend?

Oh, I had a date with this really terrific girl, but she canceled.

Why? She doesn't like me.

Too bad you and Clayton have to work late. Not me.

I'm going out and have myself a wild time.

Don't forget your library card.

Oh, Benson, I want you to meet Scooter McPhee, formerly Lieutenant McPhee's...

the U .S. Navy.

Oh, glad to meet you, sir. Heard a lot about you. Heard a lot about you, too,

Benson. Some of it good.

And lost it, have I, Gene?

The same old scooter.

Has Gene told you how I got the name Scooter? I asked him not to.

Here on Liberty in Shanghai, I got into a crap game and lost all our money.

Including our rickshaw fare.

Gene had to walk back to the ship.

You'll never guess how I got there.

On the scooter?

I didn't tell him.

But you remember that Liberty in Honolulu?

No, I don't.

So it must have been great.

That was

the time I nearly got tattooed. You?

Yeah, I went a big one right across my chest.

But fortunately, the tattoo artist didn't know what Myrna Loy looked like.

But he knew what Betty Grable looked like. Here, do you want to see? No, no,

If you don't mind, I prefer to remember Betty Grable without hair on her

forehead.

I don't know how many times this big lug here saved my bacon.

Whenever I went out for a good time, he was always there with the bail money.

Bunsen, I hate to drag him away, but I guess we better get going.

Yeah, I guess you better.

Okay, but they wouldn't dare start that dinner without us there to lead them in

Anchors Away.

great state, but also as a concerned citizen.

And an imposter.

Benson, what are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Oh, see? Oh, don't get up.

I won't tell anybody.

There's nothing to tell. I just happen to be sitting in the governor's chair.

Did you happen to like it?

Benson, I have been drafting a rebuttal to that libelous item in Jack Beddoe's

column this morning.

I see, and you thought you'd put yourself in the governor's shoes and in

chair. I'm surprised he's not wearing his suit.

Hi, fellas, and bye.

How was the reunion dinner, sir?

Nobody makes a finer chicken a la king than the U .S. Navy.

I gather you had a good time. Oh, I did.

Scooter was in real...

He switched the signs in the hotel lobby and we ended up in an Evelyn Woods

speed reading class.

It took us ten minutes to figure out where we were.

Too bad you couldn't read faster.

By the time the party broke up, Scooter was raring to go. He wanted me to do the

town with him. Why didn't you?

Because the governor must protect the dignity of his office.

Then he better get out of that hat.

Governor's office.

What? Who is this?

Oh, hold on.

It's Scooter. Sounds like he's in bad shape.

I hope he's not in jail.

Hello, Scooter. It's Gene.

What?

All right, but Scooter, we're not going to take any chances. I'm coming over and

I'm bringing a doctor.

What's your address?

1880 Maple Street.

Okay, Scooter. I'm on my way. Bye -bye.

He says he's sick and he says he wants me to come pick him up.

Clayton, would you call Dr. Phillips and ask him to meet us there just in case?

Benson, would you come with me? It may take the two of us to handle him. To

handle him?

Maybe we should call the shore patrol.

Dr. Phillips, this is an emergency. Meet Governor Gatling at 1880 Maple Street

immediately.

I hate answering machines.

Oh, I sent the chauffeur home.

Oh, that's all right, sir. We'll take Benson's car.

Good.

Take your car.

It's a two -seater. Oh, I see just enough room for you and all your

Yes? Oh, we were given this address. We're looking for a friend.

Oh, yes.

Of course. Won't you come in, please?

Good evening.

You must be the plumbers from Milwaukee.

Won't you make yourselves comfortable?

I'll announce you.

That's a lovely home.

The plumbers from Milwaukee.

Well, Scooter was probably drunk. Who knows what he said?

What sort of place is this, anyway? It looks like Queen Victoria's rumpus room.

Oh, this bar here could be some kind of social club.

I don't think it's the YMCA.

What is the house number?

1880. Good Lord.

What's the matter? We're in the 1880 Club.

What's that?

The local house of joy.

Well, it looks cheerful enough.

Depends on what cheers you want.

I guess Scooter hasn't changed. I remember one time in San Diego. No, no,

sir, not now. We've got to get out of here before you're seen. Think of your

career. Think of mine.

Think of Scooter. That's why we're here.

Good evening, gentlemen.

Good evening.

Now, how can I help you?

Well, we're looking for a man.

You've come to the wrong place.

His name's Scooter. You can't miss him. He's loud, paunchy, middle -aged, wears

glasses. Go on.

Well, he's got a hairy tattoo of Betty Grable on his chest.

Maybe he's in the jacuzzi, I'll guess.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Hello?

Governor Gatling here.

I think you must have the wrong number. No, I'm Governor Gatling.

Good old Harry, always kidding. Last week he thought he was the president.

I thought you looked familiar. You are the governor. I voted for you.

Hello? Scooter? Why?

You thought you were here sick.

That's not funny, Scooter.

No, it won't be funnier in the morning.

Good night.

I'm sorry, fellow. That's one of Scooter's practical jokes.

I'm practically laughing.

Sir, let's get out of here. I'm sorry to have bothered you. Oh, it's no bother,

sir. It's an honor. I'm Peggy Rose. Oh, well, how do you do? How do you do?

Oh, this is Benton.

Benton. How are you? Sir.

And this is... George Bernard Shaw.

I thought he was dead.

Junior.

Sir, we must be leaving. Yes, we... It was very nice meeting you.

I'm always happy to meet somebody who voted for me. Particularly a homeowner.

I felt your opponent was a hypocrite. You know that speech you delivered on

declining morality?

Yes. He wrote it at that bar.

Governor, shouldn't we be doing other things like vacating the premises?

Yes, we better go.

You know, I had a cousin named Peggy who had beautiful blonde hair just like

yours. Well, thank you, Governor, but this is one of my wigs. You know,

gentlemen prefer blonde.

Oh, I certainly do. It's one of my favorite musicals.

You can call me Madam.

you unemployed.

Well, good night. Good night, Governor, and keep up the good work. Oh, you too.

Good Lord, it's a raid.

No, not again.

What are we gonna do?

Where's the jacuzzi?

What good will that do?

Depends on how long you can hold your breath.

Is there another way out of here? Yes, but it's no help. It leads to an alley

that goes to the front of the house. Oh, we'd better find a place to hide.

All we have to do is tell the police we were here visiting a sick friend. Who

isn't sick. Right. Who isn't here.

Right. Isn't much of a story, is it?

Oh, no way out that way.

Relax, gentlemen.

The siren belongs to a fire engine. There's smoke coming from the house

the street.

But still, we'd better get out of here before something else happens.

Well, good night again. We can't get out this way. Why not?

Because the streets are full of people watching the fire and TV cameras

the people.

Oh, no. We're going to be on eyewitness news.

Time to come into this room sooner or later. Governor, we've got to get you

of sight. Miss Rhodes, you have a room that's unoccupied. Just room six, but

it's reserved for an important client. He should be here any minute. Miss

Rhodes, some of our guests are getting uptight about those sirens. Oh, it's

a fire engine. Nothing to lose sleep over. Excuse me, gentlemen.

Good Lord.

It's Jack Beddows. Who? The gossip columnist. The guy who's been picking on

Oh, that Jack Beddows. I'd like to give him a piece of my mind. Not now. Not

now.

He's coming up the steps. If he sees you in here, you're finished.

Well, he can't say anything without incriminating himself.

He'll say he followed you here. He'd be lying.

That's what he does best.

Sir, quickly, we'd better hide.

All right.

They're keeping you waiting? You want to do what I do. Buy a season ticket.

Where is everybody anyway?

Hey, bartender.

Hey, you bartender.

You call?

Who are the girls?

Well, haven't you heard? We're out of business. We had a big clearance sale.

Bar's closed.

Just what I need, a funny bartender. Get over here and get me a scotch.

Short people.

That is neat.

You should see my Bloody Marys.

Wait a minute. Don't I know you from someplace?

You ever been to Fantasy Island?

What? Deplane!

Deplane!

Oh, hi, Jackie.

Oh, hi.

You have room six as usual. Oh, you like my outfit?

Oh, yeah, but I think I liked you better as Little Bo Peep.

Oh, Benton, that was close. Let's get out of here. I'll see if that crowd's

still out there. Come on, Clayton, get out. He's gone.

Why did you lock the door?

Well, sir, there was no sense in all of us being caught. Well, let's hope none

of us will get caught. Come on.

Forget it. The street's packed. The fire's definitely a hit. I'm afraid

no way out of here, sir. Well, there is a way, but I don't think you'll like it,

sir. Well, at this point, I'm ready to try anything.

Be right back.

Where's he going? To lock the door again? Come on, Clayton.

Here, sir, try this on.

I told you you wouldn't like it, sir, but you only have to wear it from the

front door to Benson's car. It's a half a block.

He can't wear that.

Benson, if you have a better idea, let's hear it.

Well, he's right, sir. It's only a half a block. Now, wait a minute.

That's just it. We don't have a minute.

Oh, all right.

There.

You think that would fool anybody?

No, but it might frighten them.

I just can't see myself in a blonde wig.

You're lucky.

wigs, if you'd prefer.

Oh, but what about... There are coats, too, sir.

All right. You won't regret it, sir. What about you, Clayton? What about me?

Well, if they recognize you, they're bound to take a closer look at the

governor. That's right.

And there are other wigs. You said so yourself.

Oh, come on, Benson. I'm not the type.

Are you saying I am?

Well, no, sir.

Get dressed!

Yes, sir.

We'll be right back, Benson.

Let me know when you're decent.

For anyone interested in the weather, the coast is clear.

How do I

look, Russian? You think I can make it to the car?

Yeah, well, you can probably make it to the car, but don't go into a bar alone.

Where's Clayton?

I'm coming out, but no wisecracks, you got it?

I think it's a nice outfit, Clayton.

And the mustache makes you look sort of European.

Thank you, sir.

This way, ladies.

I'm here to see Governor Gatling. Oh, well, I'm sure you have the wrong house.

No, I'm sure that this is the correct address.

I'm Dr.

Wellmont. I'm covering Dr.

Phillips' call. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Say, you look familiar.

Don't I know you?

That's a very old line, mister.

Uh, listen, why don't you ladies wait for me in the office over there? This

sir. Sir?

Yeah, well, that's short for, uh, Serenity. Oh, interesting name.

Interesting girl.

Well, the governor isn't here yet. I'll just wait. Mm -hmm.

Yeah.

Would you like to have a drink while you're waiting? Well, I generally don't

drink on house calls, but then generally I don't make house calls. I'd love to.

Good. Go get the bartender.

Where is he? In room six.

It's me, Vincent.

Come on.

You wait, you wait.

These things are hot. I don't know how women wear them. Bartender, right away.

Ah, compliments of the house. Good night. I cannot believe what just

Some bozo with a black bag barged into my room and ordered... A Mai Tai?

Oh, new talent.

Would you ladies care to join me in a drink? We don't drink with strangers.

You should take up another profession.

These ladies were just leaving.

But the evening is young?

Yes, but they aren't.

You forgot your car key.

See you around.

Hey, why don't you ditch your skinny friend and come back?

west till your hat floats.

Why don't you ditch your tall friend and come back?

You couldn't afford me, sweetie.

Well, I like your spirit. What's your name?

Scooter.

Scooter? Huh?

I wonder where she got that name.

Shanghai.

Yes, you weren't supposed to be here for another six minutes. Let me see your

ID.

Sergeant Tompkins. Captain Williams, Vice Squad. Perhaps you've heard of me,

of a thousand colors.

Let me see your ID.

I never carry an ID when I'm working undercover.

I carry an ID when I'm working undercover.

That's why I'm a captain and you're a sergeant.

This is Lieutenant Schmell, my underling.

Perhaps you've heard of him, man of a thousand dresses.

Hi there.

I mean, hi.

What about that one?

Don't worry about him. She's with us.

And this is Jack Beddoes, the famous newspaper man.

He's been pretending to be a regular customer here. He fooled the entire

You make one heck of a John, Jack.

I do my best.

Look, Tompkins, the commissioner's gonna be here in five minutes. I know him.

And he knows me.

The commissioner? Here? Look, Tompkins, read my lips. He's gonna hit the ceiling

when he finds out you guys jumped the gun.

Hey, it's not our fault. Nobody told us. It's okay, it's okay. Don't cry. You

look like a nice guy.

Why don't you just get out of here and I'll cover for you.

Hey, is the governor here yet? Not yet.

Well, that's okay with me. I don't mind waiting.

You mean the commissioner brought the governor in on this? Yes, I told you.

They're not fooling around on this one. The governor?

We were never here. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why don't you go with him and explain the whole operation to him? Me? Would

rather wait and explain it to the governor?

Oh, I don't want to see him. He doesn't like me.

But with good reason.

You write all those nasty things about him in your stupid column. How do you

think I feel?

You have to lay out, Tompkins. Yes, sir. Come on, you.

Let's go, men.

Benson, that was quick thinking.

Well, what about me, sir? I thought of the wings.

Let me check things out out here.

Clayton, I think we're going to make it. I told you I'd get you out of this,

sir.

Well, I got good news and I got bad news. The good news is the cops are

but the bad news is they're towing away my car.

So I'm going to get us two cabs. Why two?

Because I don't want to be seen with you guys.

Morning, Benson.

Morning, Pete.

Have a good time over the weekend?

If you leave on Friday night.

Oh, you don't talk to me about Friday. It was the worst night of my life.

Guy at the grocery store fixed me up with a date.

I remember when they used to give away dishes.

Actually, she was kind of cute for a welder.

We went back to my place, and just as things started to get interesting, the

Romanian who lives downstairs set his hide -a -bed on fire again.

Again?

Guy sleeps with candles.

Anyway, the fire department cleared us out of the building. By the time they

the fire out, she was tired and wanted to go home.

So I held her a cab.

Just as we were getting into the cab, this tall, skinny lady knocks us down

takes the cab.

Gee, you ready for the weird part?

The weird part?

The lady in the cab had a mustache.