Original subtitles

Morning, Cross. How you doing? Oh, I'm tired, Benson. I had a nightmare last

night and I couldn't get back to sleep.

Did you ever have a dream where you were frightened by something and you tried

to run away but your legs wouldn't move?

Yeah, the whole time I was in the army.

Then last night, I dreamed that I fell into a pit of alligators.

You can guess what happened next.

They tried to run away but their legs wouldn't move.

Morning. Morning, Marcy.

Morning, Marcy. What time did you get out of here last night?

Oh, sometime after nine. I still haven't finished typing up Clayton's memos to

the staff.

Oh, that reminds me. Clayton sent me a memo about keeping the lids on the

garbage cans.

Good grief. If the man doesn't let up soon, I'll have to get a bigger

wastebasket. Well, he hasn't stopped dictating since he got that dumb tape

recorder. I'm practically chained to my typewriter.

Marcy?

I thought you'd be at your desk.

She tunneled out when you weren't looking.

Speaking of desks, Benson, I've been meaning to talk to you about yours.

Oh, do you like it?

Obviously,

you didn't get my memo on neatness.

I got it. I just can't find it.

Put out a memo regarding the disregarding of memos. Now see what you

Now, I don't like to pull rank, Benson, but I am the chief of staff, and I would

hope to see this desk in order by five o 'clock.

Then you better get started on it.

Now, Benson, surely you're bright enough to realize that you are perilously

close to defying a direct order.

Close? I thought I was right on the money.

Would you care to repeat that so that I can play it back for the governor?

Why, is he bored with his Doobie Brother records?

Memo to the governor.

Clayton, give me a break, would you? If you have something to say to the

governor, why don't you just go in and talk to him?

Memo to the governor concerning my luncheon meeting with Richmond Airlines.

Oh, Clayton, there you are. Yeah, I'll be right with you, sir. I'm just in the

midst of... Oh, yes, I'll do that later, sir.

I wanted to remind you you're having lunch with Richmond Airlines today, and

want you to tell them from me that my position is unchanged, that I'm moving

ahead with that noise abatement bill.

I'll tell them, sir.

A memo to myself.

reiterate governor's position on noise pollution.

If the governor wants to stop noise pollution, he should get rid of

tape recorder.

If he wants to stop air pollution, he should get rid of Clayton.

Look, sir, I don't want you to make a big thing out of this. Now, I can handle

it myself. Pete, I can't afford any friction between key members of my

Now, the sooner the air is cleared, the better.

I got here as soon as I could, sir. Oh, it's not all that important, Benson. Why

don't we just forget it? Forget what?

Pete has leveled a rather serious allegation, Benson. Not really. It just

out that way. He's accused you of letting the air out of his tires.

Is that true?

Yes, sir.

All four tires?

Yes, sir.

And the spare.

Wasn't all that much air in the spare tire anyway.

Why do you suppose you did that, Benson?

Well, sir, I gave him a word and I wouldn't want to go back on it.

Oh, no, no, you shouldn't. But what did Pete do to make you live up to your

agreement? Well, I've been parking my car in his space, sir.

Oh, how often? Every chance he gets. It's close to the door. And I'm in and

a lot. I see. Well, Benson, why don't you park in Pete's space?

No, I don't want to.

Besides, his space is under a tree. And birds live in that tree.

an interesting way of saying, hi there.

Excuse me for barging in, sir, but Marcy told me you were here with Benson, so I

knew it couldn't be too important.

An extraordinary thing happened at lunch.

You picked up the check.

The representative from Richmond Airlines tried to bribe me.

Bribe you to do what?

To influence you not to sign the noise abatement bill.

Oh, this is big.

Are you sure it was a bribe? Sir, he showed me the money.

Did you take it?

Don't be silly, Benson. What do you take me for?

An amateur.

Without the cash, you've got no evidence.

Yes, but I have this.

You see, when I realized what our friend from Richmond Airlines was leading up

to, I surreptitiously hit the record button. You mean you have the bribe on

tape? I do, sir.

Exhibit A.

Well, I don't know whether it's admissible in court, but set up a

the Attorney General for five and give him that, and I want to be there. Sir.

Come on, Pete. We'll be late for that press conference. Fine, sir. Maybe we

stop and pick up a tire pump on the way back.

Set up meeting with Attorney General.

Well, well, I'm impressed.

Nice work, Clayton.

What did you say?

I said nice work, Clayton.

Benson, you cannot imagine what those words mean to me. Not just that you were

able to bring yourself to say them.

but that I was able to record them.

Nice work, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson.

Nice work, Clayton. Oh, thank you so much, Benson.

Nice work, Clayton. Oh, you're such a nice man.

Marcy, you got those payroll records ready yet? Not yet. Hang on a second.

Hey, have you seen the paper?

Look at this.

Governor's aide grounds Richmond Airlines.

Says here the Attorney General has scheduled Clayton to testify on the

It's a terrible picture of Clayton. Yeah, it looks just like him.

Good morning, everyone.

I take it you've seen the paper.

Yes, along with a quarter of a million other fortunate people.

Governor's office.

Yes, he is. Just a minute. It's for you, Mr. Humble. Ah, they're calling

already.

Clayton Endicott here.

What? What? Who is this?

Hello?

Oh, no.

Who was it? I don't know. He said something about Miami being a beautiful

safe place to be, especially on the 17th of the month.

17th? The day you're supposed to testify, Clayton. Sounds like they made

offer they don't want you to refuse.

Uh -oh, we're talking threat here. We're talking cement overshoes. We're talking

so long, stoolie.

Really? I wouldn't laugh this off, Clayton.

Till you find out who that was, you better have Pete start your car in the

morning. Right.

What?

Wait a minute. You guys are putting him on, aren't you? You don't know who

Clayton is up against.

Richmond Airlines.

Yeah, but who owns Richmond?

National Unified, a legitimate corporation.

Which is owned by Petrolux International, a subsidiary of a

owns a Semicorp?

Nobody really knows, but their holdings include racetracks, slap machines,

massage parlors, and a string of Hungarian restaurants.

You better keep a low profile, like under your desk.

Let's just end this discussion and get back to work.

It's a good idea.

I gotta update your obituary.

Really, one crank phone call and Peter starts plotting Godfather 3.

Well, I'm not going to let you people get to me. Make sure none of them get to

you.

Now, don't be flip, Benson.

After all, we know your real feelings.

Nice work, Clayton.

Thank you, Benson.

We'll put Marcy in here, I'll park there, and we'll put Pete here.

Well, who parks under the tree?

Clayton.

That works for me.

This time, Richmond Airlines has gone too far.

If they want to play dirty, I'll give them dirty.

Calm down, Clayton. What are you talking about?

Sir, I have been violated.

This morning, I went out jogging. Someone ransacked my apartment, so I

security. Now they're ransacking my apartment.

Whoever broke in must have been looking for the tape.

I don't think so. They'd know the Attorney General has the tapes. It was

news. I think what they're trying to do is scare you off.

Dare they try intimidating me.

Beats eliminating you.

Yes, Marcy.

Oh, sir, any men?

Captain McDermott of security is here.

McDermott is on this case?

Clayton, take the trip to Miami.

Ready for debriefing, sir.

Well, Captain, have you finished frisking my furniture?

For the time being, Clayton.

Any leads, Captain?

Not a one, sir.

We combed every inch of Clayton's apartment.

We even went through his garbage.

What the hell are capers?

Captain, I would like a full report.

Well, there were orange peels, some white fish, a couple of tea bags. No,

no.

I mean, what have you learned?

Well, based on the events of the last 48 hours, sir, we've come up with nothing.

But we do have a theory.

Somebody's after Clayton.

Who leaked that?

McDermott, we already figured that out.

Well, here's something you haven't figured out, Benson. While checking

bureau draws, sir, we came across something pretty strange.

You know those undershirts that you have marked Sunday, Monday, Tuesday?

Yes. Well, Wednesday is missing.

Today is Wednesday.

accounts for it.

Anyway, sir, we'll have to double the security on Clayton.

I want a man in his apartment 24 hours a day.

No, but I'm not going to be a prisoner in my own home. Well, we have full

security here in the mansion, so you can live here under Captain McDermott's

protection. Sir, I do not need protection.

I don't know about that, Clayton. I know a guy wants to refuse protection. They

found him three months later in Washington.

Washington, D .C. or Washington State?

Both.

Now, Benson, a man can't be found in two places at once unless... Oh, dear.

Now you know what I'm talking about.

Yes, you're saying Clayton may end up in the trunk of some car that's put

through a metal compactor, melted down for scrap and made into a pippy.

A pippy?

What's a pippy?

It's a little wind -up mouse.

Katie has one. It runs along the floor and then it spins.

I bet Clayton would be good at that.

I don't know anything about tippies, but I do know we're dealing with

professionals here. You got hit men, ice men, button men. First the phone call,

then the break -in. Next, bang, bang, bye -bye.

Is Captain your nickname or what?

Back off, Benson.

All right. All right, Clayton, then it's settled until after you've testified,

you'll live here in the mansion.

Sir, that's an order.

Very well, sir.

All right, I'll send a man over to pick up your clothes, Clayton.

And, uh, don't worry.

I'll tell him you're wearing Wednesday.

You get the impression that McDermott is still wearing Sunday?

Well, I'll tell you.

You've got to take them by the hair.

What happened?

Sat on my gun.

How was it?

Relax,

Benson, relax.

Guns don't kill, people kill.

Yeah, people with guns.

Oh, a liberal, huh?

No, allergic.

A gun won the West.

A gun held up a liquor store.

A strange attitude about weapons, fella.

Yeah, something I picked up in the Army.

Oh, you joined the Army, huh?

No, they sent me an invitation for a little get -together they were having in

Korea.

You were in Korea? I served in Korea.

Call me Dennis, fella.

Ah, Korea, those were the days. You ever miss it, Benson?

Miss it? I don't even watch MASH.

I better inspect the peeps and then I'm off.

McDermott. Yeah.

You forgot your gun.

Thanks, Benson.

Go home without that. The little lady will start asking questions.

Yeah, I can hear it now.

Dennis, where's your gun?

There is no pleasing Clayton. He does nothing but complain.

Yesterday his toast was burnt. Today his egg is cold. And it is all your fault,

Benson. What do you mean it's my fault? You should have talked the governor out

of letting Clayton live here. I'm sick and tired of serving him breakfast in

bed. Cross, let's look at it this way. The first thing he sees every morning is

you.

What's the matter with that?

Nothing. It's what he deserves.

Is my lunch ready, Miss Craft?

Almost, Katie.

Benson, do you think Daddy would mind if Connie Burke invited me to stay over

her house for a few days?

I don't know. When would you be back?

Once Clayton leaving.

Well, life has certainly changed since Clayton's moved in.

I'd have been here early, but I spent 20 minutes trying to get past the gate

guard. You believe it? They searched my car.

And don't tell me I should be grateful just because they found my nail scissors

under the back seat.

McDermott confiscated them.

There you go, Katie.

Ready for another day at the mine.

Thanks, Miss Kraus. How am I trying to get past the guards without them

searching my lunchbox?

Miss Kraus, I thought you were going to bring me another egg, one that was

properly prepared.

How come I didn't get French toast?

Benson makes his own breakfast.

Oh.

Well, I must say, that looks... Very good.

It is.

I don't suppose you'd consider... Hey, Clayton,

this is for you.

Found it on the windshield of my car.

I guess somebody's trying to get to Clayton through me.

It's a one -way ticket to Miami.

On Richmond Airlines, I bet.

Benson, this is no joking matter.

Oh, he knows that, Peter. After all, this is the man who said...

We just spotted somebody trying to scale the wall. I hope that sucker's packing

iron.

Well, uh, things have certainly taken a melodramatic turn.

What do I do now?

Beats me.

They do know you're white, don't they?

Something about all this is bugging me.

McDermott says we're dealing with... professionals, but a guy scaling the

in broad daylight doesn't make any sense.

I just can't wait for this trial to be over.

Stress is getting to you, huh?

No, Clayton is.

I don't like to say this about anybody, especially a man who's so capable of his

job, but I'm afraid Clayton just isn't a very nice person.

No.

Oh, I could be wrong.

This tea should be ready any minute. One lump or two.

Ah, company.

Oh, Benson, look who's here, Clayton.

How nice.

I seem to have misplaced my tape recorder.

I came down to look for it.

No matter.

I'll find it tomorrow.

Oh, boy, Sandman's coming.

Well, listen, it's time for me to turn in. I'll see you, Governor, in the

morning. Clayton? Good night, Benson.

Brunson's right. It is getting a little late. Better do some bunk duty. Good

night. Sleep tight, sir.

You saying that one of my chambermaids took your stupid tape recorder?

Well, it's gone, isn't it? What other explanation can there be?

Maybe you lost it. People lose things all the time.

I am not people.

I was just saying the same thing to Marcy.

I hold you equally responsible, Benson, if you two cannot control the household

staff. I'd better get out of here before I lose my temper and do something I'll

be sorry for.

Just a moment, Mr. House. Better let her go. Oh, Clayton, last time Kraus lost

her temper, Switzerland mobilized.

Oh, here he is.

Clayton, this gentleman's here to see you from the Attorney General's office.

Ruth Caldwell. Mr. Caldwell, this is Benson, head of household affairs.

If you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work. Me too. Well, it's a pleasure

to meet our star witness. What's this all about?

I think I'll stick around a while. Well, we're very concerned about the

attempted break -in. We think you're much too visible here at the mansion.

Benson, do you, uh, do you need something?

It'll keep.

So we're planning on moving you to a new location.

Now. Now?

I haven't packed.

We'll send for your things later.

Very well.

Wait a minute, Clayton. Don't you want to see this man's identification?

Benson, you are being very rude.

No problem.

There, you see?

No, I didn't. Mind if I take a closer look at that ID?

Why, not at all.

That's close enough for me.

Until after the trial, we're going to put you on ice.

On ice.

And you're coming along to keep him company.

Moi? All right, it's all clear.

All right.

If you give us any trouble, and we're not responsible for what happened, let's

walk. I said walk.

I am walking.

Oh, Clayton, do you have a moment?

Oh, I hope so.

Uh, Clayton's a little busy right now, sir. This is Mr. Caldwell from the

Attorney General's office, and he's taking Clayton to a new location.

Well, it's rather sudden, isn't it, Clayton? Huh.

Has my cat got your tongue?

No, no, no, not a cat, sir. A mouse.

Pippi the mouse.

Uh, perhaps I should take the governor to the new location with me. Oh, no, the

governor doesn't have time for that either. Uh, he has to deal with the

McDermott Corporation.

I do? Yes, yes. You know, you were gonna get the big McDermott together with all

the little McDermotts. Oh, uh...

Well, forget it, sir. We'll see you later.

Governor, your letter to Senator Blaine is ready for signature.

Oh, thank you, Marty.

Well, sir, if there's nothing else, we'll be leaving. Just a minute, Mr.

Caldwell.

There you are, Marty.

Check that for spelling. Yes, sir.

So, Mr. Caldwell, you're from the Attorney General's office.

Yes, sir. I wouldn't detain Mr. Caldwell, sir. He's a busy man, very

about his work. Oh, well, Clayton, keep in constant touch. I hope you have

plenty of dimes.

Dimes? For the telephone.

Isn't the telephone a wonderful invention, Mr. Caldwell?

You never realize how much you rely on it until suddenly you don't have one.

Now, just a minute, Benson. Do shut up, please.

I remember back at the logging camp.

Mail call was always a very big event. We'd hand out the letters to the men,

we had no way to contact the men who were floating down the river on the

So we tried everything. We tried semaphore. We tried smoke signals.

We tried carrier pigeons.

You name it, we tried it.

So finally, it dawned on us.

What did you do?

We set the hell with it.

Freeze!

Why not dare you?

Don't worry, Governor.

Everything's under control.

Marcy gave me your note. Good thinking, sir.

Then you did get the hints I threw.

Get them? I thought they were going to knock me over.

I thought you were going to blow the whole thing, Benson.

Benson, how did you know these men were imposters?

Well, look at their cop shoes. Even on TV, they don't wear loafers with

I was on to them the minute they came through the gate.

Then why didn't you stop them? Why didn't I stop them? I'll tell you why,

Benson. Because in this country, a man's innocent until proven guilty.

That's why the system doesn't work.

All right, pull them out.

Pull them out.

Oh, sir, I really must thank you for coming to my aid. Oh, Benson's the man

should thank.

Oh, well, yes.

Of course, I plan to at an appropriate time.

That is an appropriate time, Clayton.

Yes, sir Thank you, Benson I beg your pardon Thank

you, Benson Oh, that is such music to my ears

This time you've gone too far. I'm not kidding around, Benson. I'm really sore.

Pete, it is perfectly safe for people your size to get mildly annoyed, but

should never, never get really sore.

What is that, a short joke?

Come on, come on, let's step outside.

Oh, Pete, you don't want to do that. Yes, I do. Pete, look at it this way.

me, it's a no -win situation. If I take you outside and deck you, then I'm a

creep. If you, by some miracle, happen to deck me, I...

I want to show you my car.

Oh, your car.

Oh, I know about your car.

Yeah, it's in a thousand pieces. I know.

Why did you take it apart?

I didn't touch your car. Talk to Captain McDermott. What?

Captain McDermott? Why would Captain McDermott take my car apart?

He got a tip you were smuggling illegal contraband.

Let me ask you one last question. Where did he get an idea like that?

Let me ask you one last question. Why did you park in my space this morning?