All language subtitles for All In Good Faith s03e06 False Profits

Emma? Hmm?

It's not a full moon, is it? I shouldn't
think so. It's 8 .45 in the morning.

Where do they come from? Where do who
come from?

The loonies.

This morning's post is full of them.

There's a letter here from two nudists
asking me to marry them.

Oh. Aren't they Christians?

Well, I presume so, but they want me to
marry them in the nude.

The nude?

Yeah. Hmm. You or the couple?

In further...

In furtherance of our philosophy, the
wedding party, including respective

parents, who also share our views, would
be au naturel. Perhaps they want to

save money on dress hire.

Oh, I'll get it.

Well, if a bride wants a white wedding,
she'd better keep out the sun.

Ah, Desmond.

God bless the woman of the house. Don't
try to talk to me, Desmond. Go through

to the kitchen.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, that sounds ominous.

Hello, Desmond. How are you?

I'm good.

I think I'm in for a rollicking.

Oh, what for?

I don't know. It's about the weddings on
Saturday last. Oh, weren't they

beautiful? I wept like a drain.

Sit.

You know the church warden forbids
confetti on church premises, don't you?

A wedding's not a wedding without
confetti. I insisted on having confetti

wedding. I didn't know you were married,
Desmond. It was a long time ago,

Philip. It didn't last.

Oh, sorry.

Hardly surprising, really. My wife had a
drink -related problem.

What was that?

Me.

Never mind about your wedding.

One of the choir saw you at the back of
the church felling bagged with confetti

at 20 pence a go. Desmond, you weren't.
Of course I wasn't, Philip.

Confetti's forbidden. No. It was pages
of colour magazines torn up every time.

Desmond, sometimes you make me
absolutely furious.

Well, I swept up afterwards, didn't I?
Yeah, charge me a fiver for doing it.

You mean he made money making a mess and
more money clearing it up afterwards?

Quite. I don't know what all the fuss is
about. I thought you'd have been

pleased. Pleased? Well, you're always
telling me to use my initiative.

Making more than 15 quid out of a pile
of old magazines is pretty good going, I

should say.

Shall I put the kettle on or hit him
with it?

Philip, if you feel that I have acted
dishonorably in any way, just give me

task you care to mention, and I will
work off that fiver to our mutual

satisfaction. All right, you're on. You
can help me deliver the parish magazines

around the local estates, and we'll call
it quits.

Spreading the gospel, eh? I like the
sound of that. You have to collect them

Alec, and he'll give you the address
list of all our parishioners. Philip,

I have a word?

Oh, excuse me.

Philip, you can't rely on Desmond to
deliver the church magazines.

Sweeping up the church is one thing, but
letting him wander around on his own is

quite another.

Emma, you've got to start to learn to
trust people.

If more people had believed in Desmond,
he might not be in the state he is now.

Oh, Philip, how very true.

You weren't supposed to hear that,
Desmond. If my ex -wife had only trusted

before we were married, we might both be
a great deal happier today.

Why, what happened? Well, I told her
that if she married a hopeless drunk, it

wouldn't last a fortnight, and she'd
regret it for the rest of her life.

And? I am.

And it didn't, and she does.

and spin it black.

All right, Vicar.

Are you both in the bathroom?

Aye. Come in, you can scrub our backs.

What?

Don't listen to him, Vicar. We're
perfectly respectful. Come on in.

Oh.

Hello.

You weren't in church on Saturday, so I
bought you the parish mag.

Very kind, Vicar. Oh, I'm very handy. I
always like something to read, Aunt Lou.

You both all right? Oh, yes, Victor.

I would help if Waterborne'd let you
check. That's why we couldn't come to

door. What sort of check?

Well, it seems the block of flats have
got an air cock.

Lock, Mavis. Air lock.

Air lock, then.

Anyway, they've gone to switch it off at
the stop lock.

Cock, Mavis.

Eh?

Stop cock.

Oh, I do wish you'd make up your mind.

Why are you both sitting in here?

Well, they don't know which stock cop's
which, see? So we have to wait till

water goes off, and then we have to bang
on pipe and let them know they've found

it. Who asked you to do this, Eric? Them
folks at Waterboard.

The Waterboard?

Yes.

Lovely chaps they was.

Ever so nicely spoken.

You sure they were from the Waterboard?
Oh, aye. One of them had Waterboard

written on his axe.

Is that all?

Well, it was a very official looking
axe.

How long have you both been sitting in
here?

Not long.

Well, how long?

Half an hour and you didn't smell a rat?

Well, they just asked us to watch water
going off. I mean, they never said

nought about rats.

Everything all right, Phil? I'm afraid
not, Eric. Those cats are...

and ransacked your place.

Ransacked our place? Yes. Well, that was
a waste of time. There's no stopcocks

in there.

I think you ought to call the police.

I don't see much point in that either. I
mean, if Waterball can't find it, what

chance have copper's got?

Well, at least turn the taps off.

Turn the taps off?

Does that mean they've found what they
were looking for?

Yes, maybe.

I'm rather afraid it does.

Still in the kitchen, Wetherall.

Superintendent, do I keep your voice
down? The dimmocks are trying to rest.

They're still a bit shaken.

Not surprising, sir. Most of us only get
done over by the water board once a

quarter.

How much longer, Wetherall?

Nearly ready, sir.

What's he doing? Fingerprints? No,
making a pot of tea.

Tell me, Vicar.

Do you believe in hell?

Hell? Yes, down there.

as opposed to up there.

Well, it rather depends on how you
define it.

Well, you understand, I'm not a
religious man myself, but the sort of

had in mind is where you've got eternal
darkness, the smell of sulphur,

everlasting hellfire, and the screams of
sinners being tortured through all

eternity with red hot tongs and pokers.

Ah, well, if it's the medieval vision
you mean, then I'm afraid I don't

it. Pity. Why?

Well, I've always found it rather
consoling to picture the scum who pick

people endlessly roasting on a spit with
an apple in their gob.

That isn't very healthy, you know. Not
to them, certainly, sir. No, I meant

Oh, you mean such thoughts could be
harmful to my mental health? Well, yes.

You don't have to worry about me, Vicar.

I'm too far gone.

Where's the rope?

Where's that tea?

Just come in, super.

As a matter of fact, sir, I'm thinking
of jacking it all in.

You mean retiring from the force?

Yes, yes.

Taking up something a little less
stressful.

Like lion taming.

Take up super? Not before time, please,
Matheroff.

Three cups, Wetherall?

I thought the vicar might like a cuppa.
Have you ever known a vicar to refuse

one?

No biscuits, I say?

Oh, I didn't like the super.

Why not?

Well, I mean, they're just as if
somebody pinched their telly, radio and

books. It's a bit much that they're
calling the cops and we pinch their

as well.

You know, I always ask for Wetherall if
he's available.

I mean, as far as policing goes, he
couldn't catch a germ in a cold research

centre, but he makes a beautiful cup of
tea.

You got that list for the vicar?

Yes, sir. What list?

Well, there's a plague of con men in the
area. Their victims are usually

pensioners. Now, whether it's the same
two in this case, we don't know, but you

ought to alert your parishioners to be
less trusting.

Less trusting.

In the last few weeks, we've had thefts
from old people committed by teams

posing as men from the gas board,
electricity board, window cleaners, MPs.

You mean members of Parliament? Yes,
sir.

It's incredible.

Isn't it? I mean, who in their right
mind would elect an MP in their house?

Carry on, Wetherill.

Social workers, Meals on Wheels, Jeremy
Beedle... Jeremy Beedle.

You know, the bloke with the beard on
telly.

Somebody actually posed as Jeremy
Beadle. Oh, yeah.

While the husband was out, he called in
the old woman and said they were going

to empty the house and photograph the
husband's reaction with a hidden camera.

You know, they'd be sitting on bare
floorboards still if the wife hadn't

the TV company asking when Jeremy was
going to pop in and could they have

furniture back.

What rotten swines.

My sentiments exactly.

Jeremy Beadle, Samaritans, officials of
the RSPCA, medical officers, nuns,

firemen and evangelicals. What kind of
evangelicals? Well, they claim to be

some new religious sect, the Divine
Summoner, rather. One of them persuades

old people to pray with them, and when
they're on their knees with their eyes

shut, the other one rifles their
handbags.

That's absolutely outrageous.

A bit cheeky, isn't it?

Cheeky? Is that all you can say?

If these commoners are as widespread as
you say, why aren't you tracking them

down instead of standing here drinking
tea?

I'll make a deal with you, Vicar.

If I don't tell you how to baptise
babies, don't teach me how to suck eggs.

I'm sorry, but I find the whole thing
quite appalling. I quite agree, sir, but

it's typical of what's happening in this
town.

Do you realise there's a man being
robbed every five minutes?

Yeah, and he's getting pretty sick of
it.

Just pass the sugar, Wetherall.

Is that you, Philip?

Yes. I've just had Alec on the phone.

He was rather reluctant to give Desmond
those magazines. He said he'd been

drinking again. So I told him we must
learn to trust people.

Well, yes, Emma, but in moderation.

What? Well, of course we have to trust
people. Of course we have to trust them.

We have to learn to trust them with the
right degree of suspicion.

Trust them with suspicion?

How can you trust someone suspiciously?

Look at that list.

I'm going to pin it up in the church
hall.

There's a team of common in the area.
We've got to warn all our old people to

on their guard.

Good morning, brother.

We bring you glad tidings from the
divine brotherhood of the celestial

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah.

Divine brotherhood of the celestial...
What was it again?

The divine brotherhood of the celestial
beacon.

Hallelujah.

Hallelujah. Quiet.

What exactly is this celestial beacon?

Well, you realise, of course, that the
world is due to end very shortly.

Is it?

It has been predicted down to the last
minute, brother.

Oh, really? Well, in that case, I'd be
very grateful if you'd give me the exact

date.

Date?

You mean of Armageddon? Well, yes, I
think it's something I really ought to

in my diary.

Well, it's not far off, is it, Brother
Michael? Indeed it isn't, Brother

Gabriel. We did have an exact date for
it, but at the last minute it was

changed.

You mean it's come and gone?

Well, the founder of our sect, the very
reverend Casey Ackett... Praise be his

name. Praise be his name indeed.

It was revealed to him in a dream that
the darkness whereof we spoke would fall

across the land during the last Olympic
Games held in Los Angeles.

Really? Well, as far as I remember, it
seemed to have passed off without much

a hitch.

Oh, yes.

But you see, the very reverend Casey
Hackett... Praise be his name. Praise be

his name, indeed.

You see, he had had another dream in the
meantime, which foretold him it wasn't

going to happen after all.

I see.

Has he, um... Has he a lot of these
dreams?

Every night, brother.

Too much cheese at bedtime, perhaps?

Tell me, how do you know that Armageddon
was postponed?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

The dread event was postponed because
the celestial beacons had not yet been

built. Oh, yes, of course.

And great shall be their glory. Great
shall be their glory indeed.

And great is still the glory of those
who buy the bricks thereof.

Bricks? You cannot build without bricks.
And bricks cost money, and that is why

we are here. Give, give, give, that the
lucre you donate may be purified and

return again unto you multiplied.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

I see that I'm going to learn a great
deal from you, Gator. A great deal.

But before we go any further, I'd like
to ask my wife to bring us some

refreshments.

Most generous.

And blessing shall fall on you as a
mantle of snow from the firmament.

Thank you very much. I look forward to
that.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

Work it, Jeff.

Emma, Emma, make us some coffee quickly.

I've just put the kettle on, actually.
Good. Then phone the local station and

tell the superintendent that I have
cornered those con men.

What are you talking about?

The bogus evangelicals. They're in my
study now.

Philip, how do you know they're bogus?
You said this morning the loonies were

out in force. Perhaps they're just two
of them.

All right, all right, all right. I'll
tell you what.

When you bring the coffee in...

accidentally leave your purse on the
tray. I'll make an excuse to leave the

room, and we'll see if they go for it.

All right.

Make sure there's no more than a few
pence in it.

These days, there never is.

So, sorry to keep you waiting.

Poppy is on the way.

Now, then, where were we?

Is your friend all right?

You are very privileged, Mr Lamb.

Brother Gabriel here is about to speak
in tongues.

Was that it?

You sounded a bit Chinese, didn't you?

It is no known language.

But we of the Brotherhood understand
whatever is being said.

How very convenient.

What exactly did he say?

He said...

Beaked.

Shangda. Yes, I know that. I heard that.
But what does it actually mean?

He is saying you must help build the
great beacons.

For when the great darkness comes, as
come it must, and the radio and

stations close down, then only these
great beacon towers, designed by our

founder, the Reverend Casey Ackett...
Praise be his name. Praise be his name.

And only these great towers with their
pinnacles of fire will stand as

so that the faithful can gather at their
base and thus be in the right place at

the right time to attend upon the second
coming.

He said all that, did he?

Yeah, well, that was the gist of it.

It's a very compact language, isn't it?

Where am I?

It's all right, Brother Gabriel.

Did I go again?

You did, brother.

But it proved a revelation, didn't it,
Mr Lamb?

It certainly taught me a thing or two.

Then you laid the Brotherhood in its
quest to build the Celestial Beacons.

Ten pounds a brick is all we ask.

A ten?

It's a rather expensive brick, isn't it?
Oh, yes.

But the brick shall have your name on
it.

Well, frankly, I prefer anonymity in a
cheaper brick.

Just bring in coffee.

Oh, this is Emma, my wife, Brother
Gabriel, Brother Michael.

All beauty and happiness shroud you in
the mystery of the divine faith.

Oh, how very kind.

We shall be holding meetings shortly for
all female members of the divine

brotherhood. Perhaps you would wish to
attend.

Well, I'm afraid my wife, unfortunately,
won't be free.

Perhaps you would like details of future
meetings of the female brotherhood.

That won't be necessary, either. Off you
go, Emma. We've all got work to do.

Oh, um, yes, of course.

Excuse me. As you can imagine, I make
most of the religious decisions in this

particular family.

Talking of which, there's something I
forgot to mention to my wife.

Do sit down, enjoy your coffee. I won't
be more than a few minutes.

Philip, what's happening?

It's them, Emma. It's definitely them.
The moment I left the room, they went

your purse.

What are you doing?

I'm making sure they don't get out till
the police arrive.

Is that them already?

I shouldn't think so.

If it is, they're amazingly efficient.

They certainly are. I haven't heard the
station yet.

Oh, so it is. Splendid. Come in, come
in. What's going on? Go straight through

the kitchen. I want a word with you.
Yes, and I want a word with you too,

Shh, shh, shh. Please keep your voice
down. Come here.

Now, you remember you told me about
those two con men this morning?

I told you about quite a few con men, as
I remember, sir.

Ah, good afternoon, Mrs Lamb. Hello. I
need the bogus evangelicals. Ah, yes,

yes, you don't have to worry about them
anymore, sir. We picked them up when

they were leaving town this morning.

What? Yes, I only heard about it when we
got back to the station at lunchtime.

Picked them up this morning?

Yes, that's right. Say, you can strike
them off that list we gave you.

Sounds like someone's got themselves
locked in somewhere.

Never mind about that, never mind about
that.

Suppose there was a whole group of bogus
evangelicals.

Well, it is a possibility, I suppose,
sir. It's more than a possibility,

Richard. There are two men in my study
claiming to belong to an organisation

called, believe it or not, the Divine
Brotherhood of the Celestial Beacon.

I don't have any difficulty in believing
that, sir. After all, it is a

recognised charity.

What? In fact, they notified us before
they began making calls in this area.

It seems a half -baked venture to me,
but there's no law against it.

You having building work done, Mrs Lamb?

Shall I let them out? I don't know if
it's obviously a mistake.

It is not, it is not. I saw them go for
her purse.

Help!

Excuse me, sir.

You wouldn't be detaining them against
their will, would you, Mr Lamb? No, of

course not. I probably locked the door
and forgot to tell them about it. Then I

suggest you unlock it pretty sharp, sir,
before you get yourself into serious

trouble. I will. We'll check the
contents of her purse and realise

what they seem.

All right, all right.

Get back!

Get back!

We're coming in.

What happened to the door?

I didn't want you leaving without
meeting our friend, Superintendent

the Edendale Police.

All praise and honour to the lawmakers
and them that patrol the dangerous

streets. Never mind about all that.

Well, Emma? It's all here, Philip.

You see? What?

Every last penny.

But I saw them go for her purse when I
walked out of the room. And so we did,

Lamb. You see?

You're obviously against your wife
attending our meetings.

So we put a handbill in her purse that
she might peruse at her leisure.

Oh, ye of little faith.

I'm terribly sorry.

Come, Brother Gabriel, let us depart in
search of minds less closed than

heretofore. No, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.

Look, please accept this with my
apology.

Five pounds?

Yes, put us down for half a brick.

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

This is not the only brick you've
dropped today, Mr Lamb.

What? If you want to sell your parish
magazines around the pubs, you first

to apply for a special licensor.

What are you talking about? If I hadn't
been present when my deputy constable

nicked your chap, you'd have had to bail
him out.

Chap? What chap?

God bless you!

In here, weather -up!

Selling church magazines round the pub.
I was spreading the good word.

It's not all he's been spreading.

Leave him with us, Superintendent.

Come along, Weatherall. Let's get some
fresh air.

Don't worry, Superintendent.

We'll give him a good dressing down.

Dressing down?

He needs hosing down.

Desmond, how could you?

How could I what? Philip trusted you to
deliver those magazines and you've

been... Telling them round the pubs.
Probably drinking the takings.

Philip, that accusation hurts me deeply.

The state you're in, I'm amazed you can
feel anything at all. I delivered the

magazines according to instructions.

And then I thought to myself, why
shouldn't I flog a few more of these

boozers like the war cry?

So I went back to Eric, got another 30
copies, and flogged them all for 30p

apiece. There it is.

There's the money. Go on. Go on. Count
it. Oh, you...

Doubting Thomases.

I'm sorry, Desmond.

We seem to have been mistrusting all the
wrong people today. I'm very sorry,

Desmond. Anything I can do to make it
up? Well, perhaps if you could just let

off that fiver that I owe you. That's
already done, Desmond. You've delivered

the magazine, so we're quit. No, no, no,
that's not the fiver I meant, dear

lady. What fiver, then?

Well, you know, there should be nine
pounds there.

Well, there's only four.

What? Well, I did tell you to count it.

Philip, I'm sorry, but you should know
if anybody does.

What? Spreading the gospel is remarkably
thirsty work.