Original subtitles

seen the church this morning? Why, have you lost it?

This is serious.

There's graffiti all over the church porch. Come and look.

Look at that.

Isn't it awful?

Yes, you've broken both bottles.

Never mind that milk.

Look at the church.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Why do people write such pathetic smut?

I don't know.

They can't even spell it properly.

Blast off.

Guaranteed to shift the most stubborn graffiti, right.

Let's get shifting and blasting.

Oh, my

God.

Poor chaps flipped his tiddly.

Philip! Philip!

What about the dickens here?

Edifice with such frightful obscenities.

Give me that paint can immediately. I appreciate your concern, Desmond. This

a solvent.

A solvent?

Blast off.

There's no need to be like this.

It's the name of the product.

It's for removing graffiti, not creating it.

It doesn't seem to be very successful.

Well, I haven't started scrubbing yet. It says here you've got to spray

liberally. Have you?

Well, I've given you a bit of a squirt. A bit of a squirt?

You need more than a bit of a squirt to get this lot off.

Dearly beloved, let us spray.

Stop it, Desmond, stop it. Nothing succeeds like excess.

Stop it.

I'm only following the instructions.

Well, read the bit at the end. Do not inhale the fumes.

How do you feel?

Oh, ever so slightly blasted.

Would you give me a hand back to the house?

The fewer people who have seen me like this, the better. Yes, of course. Oh.

This is a bit of a turnabout.

What? Well, I'm usually the one that needs to be held home.

I've had it now. Thank you very much.

I'm positive, yes. Thank you very much, Edmund. Just as you tell me.

Is that the liquor?

Indeed it is, dear lady.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

So early in the morning, too.

Hold on a minute. Is that you, Philip?

Just a second, I'm not absolutely sure.

You're not planning to conduct any keep -fit classes, are you?

Keep -fit? It's one of your parishioners, the Mrs McCann. She keeps

wanted to go around and exercise in her house.

I'm a vicar, not a PT instructor.

Yes.

What's that supposed to mean? Ah, you've got marmalade all over the phone.

Sorry. Oh, nothing.

Miss Philip Lamb here. What can I do for you?

Well, you don't know me, vicar, but the council said perhaps you was the one I

should speak to.

You don't think you could come round this evening when my husband Dave's at

home? Only it's very difficult to talk about this on the phone.

What exactly do you want me to do?

We want you to do this exercise for us.

Yes, well, Mrs. McCann, I'm no expert at keep fit. It's all I can do to keep

awake. No, not exercise, Mr. Lamb.

Exorcise. We think our counsellor's his auntie.

Mrs.

McCann, are you all right? Mrs. McCann.

I'm sorry, Vicar.

I've just did another manifestation.

Unseen forces have just chucked my bedside table down the stairs.

What's happened?

Oh, the head's come off my little doggy.

What?

Our puppy dog's lost its head.

Is this part of the manifestations?

No, it's part of an ornament Dave gave me for Christmas.

You're quite right, Mrs Buchanan. It is rather difficult to talk over the phone.

When would you like me to come round?

Would seven o 'clock suit you? Things are usually a bit quieter then.

You mean the manifestations are less frequent?

and we have the telly off.

Philip Lamb.

Oh, yeah.

I'll just take the chain off.

Ha!

Well, it doesn't look like a traditional haunted house.

That's what they said about the Amityville Horror. And look what

them.

What?

Come in.

Oh, dear, Dave.

Oh, this is my husband, Dave.

Oh, it is good of you to call round, Vicar.

Would you like some tripe?

Sit down, sit down.

I've cooked tripe and onions for Dave's tea.

And there's some here for you if you're peckish. Oh, that's very kind of you,

but I really couldn't. Oh, give him a plateful of that.

No, no, really.

There you are, Vicar.

Stick in till you stick out.

Tripe and onions.

That's a dull speciality. It certainly looks...

Very special, but I've got supper waiting for me at home. Ah.

Well, you won't mind if I have it then, will you? No, no.

I admire a good sentiment.

Oh, great.

Now, about these manifestations.

Well, it all started just after we'd moved in three months ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, three months ago.

We'd got to bed late on account of the move, you see, and...

We was just nodding off when we heard footsteps on the landing.

Footsteps, yes.

Of course, we hadn't got the carpets down, so it sounded sort of hollow.

that's right.

I was terrified.

So I said, who's there?

Come on, I can hear you. Yeah, he called out just like that. Who's there? Come

on, I can hear you.

And then there was this scuffling, wasn't there? Ah, scuffling, yes.

So I got up. He got up and went to the bedroom door.

It was shut.

The bedroom door was shut.

So I opened it.

You opened it very slowly in case they was out there waiting for him.

Moonlight come in through the landing window.

There was no one there.

Not in the landing, no.

But all down the stairs.

Glowing in the moonlight.

With its long, white... Something.

Ectoplasm.

I didn't know what it was.

So I turned on the light. He switched on the light.

And there it was.

There what was?

Toilet paper.

Sorry?

Toilet paper.

Toilet paper.

Toilet paper.

It had rolled from the top to the bottom.

All by itself. It's Sunday.

Very, very... Weird.

Weird, yes, it certainly is that.

Oh, and it got weirder. I mean, we've had lights left on in the middle of the

night. Things moved about when we're not in the house.

Oh, bumpings and thumpings. And things going missing.

Money. Money going missing, yes.

Oh, and then there was that bedside table crashing down the stairs this

I'm still not over the shock.

And hardly a day goes by.

there's some bit of crockery being smashed.

We've scarcely a cop in the house.

That's why we're drinking out of plastic mugs now, isn't it? We don't like

drinking out of plastic mugs. I hate it. I hate it, yeah.

But I mean, what can you do when every cup and mug in the place keeps getting

smashed? Excuse me, were these bumpings and thumpings, were they like the ones

we just heard?

Sorry, which?

Three loud bangs on the ceiling.

Like that.

Oh, sorry.

Of course. We're so used to it, we don't hear it anymore.

Unless we're listening for us. That's Grandad.

Thank you.

That's Dave's Grandad.

Is he part of the manifestations?

You could say that.

He had a terrible accident.

He's up there now.

You mean in... In the spare bedroom.

Sorry, Grandad. We was talking to the vicar. Hello, Mr McCann.

I thought I said no priest.

Look, we've got to do something about these manifestations, Grandad.

Apart from not sleeping and turning into a nervous wreck, I can't get no -one to

come to me tupperware party.

Have you witnessed anything out of the ordinary yourself, Mr McCann?

Out of the ordinary? Oh, I should say so.

If I wasn't trapped in this bed.

I wouldn't stay another hour under this roof.

Trapped? Oh, like I said, Grandad had this terrible accident just before we

moved. Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that. What happened?

I was mown down by a reversing milk float.

He sued the dairy.

Oh, and not a penny have I had from them so far. Well, I'm afraid the case is

still dragging on. So am I. If I ever want to move from here, these legs are

useless as two dead sticks.

I don't want to see no specialist.

I just want the money that's due.

I'm relocating back to where I come from. Yes, Grant, I'd never want you to

leave the Morrison estate.

Well, all my old mates are there, and my old holy church.

I hope you won't be offended, Vicar, but Grandad is... ..Catholic.

Oh, now, have you spoken to your priest about this, Mr. McCann? They're usually

more familiar with this sort of thing. I will not have no priest!

I will not have one near me! For to all your thousands, I will not have no

priest! I will not have no priest! Goodbye, Mr. McCann. You're wholly

Oh.

What out of this hellhole of a house?

Ah! Is that too much for a poor crippled war veteran? Veteran to prayer for.

Of course not, of course not. You just relax.

Back in a bit, Grandad.

Goodbye, Mr. McCann.

Did

you

exercise the house for them?

No, you can't rush into something like that. It's not like shampooing the

carpets, you know. Well, what happened when he came downstairs?

Well, I had a cup of tea and Dave had a second helping of tripe and onions.

And then?

Two helpings of apple crumble and custard.

You know what I mean. Don't be so mysterious, Philip. I'm sorry, Emma.

sure of the forces I'm dealing with, I'd rather not discuss it.

Forces?

You don't actually believe there's something there.

Well, of course I do. Those three people are genuinely scared.

By a poltergeist? Yes.

Did somebody die there?

What's that got to do with it? Well, the ghost has got to come from somewhere.

A poltergeist isn't a ghost, for heaven's sake. Listen to this, you might

something.

Most psychic investigators view outbreaks of poltergeist activity as

some unrecognised universal force suggesting a multiplicity of universes

the one bounded by accepted fundamental laws.

What a load of codswallop.

Codswallop? Well...

Multiplicity of universes? What's that supposed to mean?

I'll tell you what it means. There are forces in this world, Emma, of which you

and I are only dimly aware.

You more dimly than most.

We may not even be aware of them at all, but that doesn't mean they're not all

there. I know someone else is not all there.

Do you want to hear about this or not? Not particularly.

All right, then shut up.

Now then, it may be that certain strong emotions can act like a conductor.

What sort of conductor?

What? What sort of conductor?

Lightning? Orchestral? Bus?

An electrical conductor linking the two dimensions, one world with another.

We register the force from other worlds, but being unaware of their sources, we

use superstition to rationalise them. Now do you understand?

Thank you. Not at all. It's always a pleasure to enlighten the ignorant.

See, that's why some people call this force a poltergeist.

Some call it an evil spirit.

Some call it ESP.

Those with a bit of sense call it codswallop.

The trouble with you, Emma, is you have a closed mind.

Well, that's just been Charlie, shouldn't it?

Not at all, not at all.

In you come, Philip. Thanks. Here, I'll just clear a space for you to sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Just a minute, just a minute. Not so fast. Sorry, what?

I've been looking everywhere for this sock.

Oh.

Sit down and tell me what the problem is.

Well, actually, it concerns one of your former parishioners. Listen, listen,

before you get launched, do you fancy something to drink?

It's a bit early, isn't it? Is it?

What time do you make it?

It's after two.

After two?

Ah, damnation, it's on the blink again.

Let this be a warning to you, Philip. Never buy a watch from a film station.

Rick with a skirt and patchy.

No, no, what was it you were saying?

Well, I believe before they moved, the McCann family attended St Mary's, at

least the grandfather did. McCann? Yes.

Not Sean McCann? Yes, an old chap about 80 years old. He recently got knocked

down by a reversing milk plate. Oh, yeah, I know all about that.

You're still suffering, you know. Yeah, I know, I know, yeah.

He's unable to move his legs. Yes, I am too.

Oh, excuse me, Philip. You must think me an unfeeling monster to laugh at the

poor man's misfortune.

No, well, I suppose being run down by a reversing milk cloak is a little

eccentric. Eccentric?

But you do know who I mean.

Oh, don't I just?

Well, they've asked me to exorcise their new house.

An exorcism? Yes.

Philip, the only spirits troubling the McCann family are the ones coming out of

the bottle.

No, no, no. They honestly believe there are manifestations in the house. Like

what? Well, noises, things being broken, money going missing.

Money? Yes. Ah, look no further than Shifty Sean.

But the man is paralyzed.

That's what he tells the doctors and the lawyers. But suppose he wasn't.

What? Well, suppose that he was responsible for the manifestations.

Would that explain things?

Well, yes, but why?

Because maybe his family heard him moving about at night and he had to

them that someone or something else was responsible.

Do you follow?

Because if he isn't paralysed... Bango his hopes of 50 ,000 smackers and his

chance of being moved back to distant states.

Do you really think he's capable of that kind of deception?

Sean McCann's capable of anything from stealing milk from babies to selling his

own granny.

But if you want, test my theory against yours.

See, I have perfected an exorcism.

guaranteed to separate the genuine spook from the phony. Really?

But I warn you, Philip, it is a solemn and a sacred ceremony.

And before I impart it to you, I require that you raise your hands and repeat

the following after me. Come on, on your feet.

Though the sun is overhead... Though the sun is overhead... And the dark is far

away... And the dark is far away... I'll have that drink now. I'll have that

drink now.

It isn't going to be dangerous, is it, Vicar?

It's just that, well, we saw the exit when his work came out, so naturally

a bit nervous.

Oh, naturally. I mean, there won't be any of that green vomit and people's

turning back to front, will there?

All that happened in America, Mr McCann. They get much more hysterical every

time.

Well, I'm relieved to hear it, especially about the green vomit.

We just had the hallway redecorated.

Will this jam -making pan do, Vicar?

Absolutely perfect.

Have you got a box of matches handy?

Matches? Is that special incense?

No, it's an old pair of gardening trousers.

Oh, thank you. Do you have a jug of water standing by in case of

Water? Right. And could you bring that high stool through for me, Dave? Oh,

yeah, right, Vicar.

Blend it.

Right, now, Dave, bring that through and just put it down here at the foot of

the stairs, would you? All right.

That's fine.

Right. It's on there.

Now. This is the tricky bit.

Let's hope it works first time.

Are you sure this isn't going to be dangerous?

Well, there's always a slight risk when you're trying to rid a house of

mischief.

That's not bad at all.

Right, now then.

Your words, Mrs McCann.

Your words, Mr McCann.

You mean we've got to save us?

Shout it as loud as you can.

I don't like to say anything, Vicar, but your trousers are smoking me for lots.

Well, that's a general idea.

Would you like to try your words now?

Fire, fire.

A lot louder.

Fire!

Now you, Mr. McCann.

You must get out of the house. No, no, no. A lot louder. A lot more feeling.

You must get out of the house!

You must get out of the house!

Yes, well, that's what I said, too. Excuse me, Vicar. You don't think this

going to worry Grandad?

Well, the mischief might be inside him, you see, Mrs. McCann. With your luck,

this will bring it out into the open. All right, now, on the count of three.

Ready?

Fire! Fire!

You must get out of the house!

Fire!

Judge for yourself.

Where is all the fun?

Grandad!

What?

Where's the fire?

What are you doing down here?

Well, why shouldn't I be down here? What are you staring at me like that for?

Grandad, you're walking.

Walking? Yeah.

That old devil had them waiting on him hand and foot.

And on top of that, he was trying to swindle the Ashcroft dairies out of 50

quid.

what a shock you've just given me, catching you with a paint can, red

Actually, it's quite a pretty shade of tangerines.

You can't see it. What's going on?

Desmond. God bless the woman in the house. Never mind about all that. What

devil were you up to?

Ensuring this noble building suffers no further outbreaks of graffiti.

What?

Shine your torch on that wall, don't you?

You could always give me a cup of tea.

Come on.

Oh, that's right. Oh, and Philip, don't worry.

I'll do the rest of the walls in the morning.

Thank you very much. Not at all.