Original subtitles

Thanks for the grapes, Philip.

Oh, pleasure, Sam.

Well, how's it going?

Waiting for the last few days to come out is worse. Yeah, like the last few

of a pregnancy, eh?

Oh, no, I've never been pregnant.

No, well, neither have I.

I mean, it's like waiting for the baby to be born, you know. Now, I'm glad you

mentioned babies, Philip, because I've got your son, see?

Only three months old when I come in here, and now he's a year and a bit, and

ain't got no name.

So, with your permission, I'd like to call him after you.

What?

Philip Borogro.

It's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?

I'm very flattered, Sam. And I'd like him baptised and all, and I want you to

the business.

I'd be delighted.

And you might as well do the rest at the same time.

The rest?

Of my kids.

There ain't none of them had it done.

So I'd like you to do them all in one big lump, as it were. Well, how many

children have you got?

Well, let's see. There's the baby, like I said.

One. Then there's Nora and Doris.

Three. And Eddie and Jim and Billy and Evelyn.

That's seven.

And there's Cedric and Tom and Lana and Little Hayford.

How many is that?

I think that's 11.

11? Yes.

Is that what it adds up to? Yes.

11? Pray so.

That's odd. Why?

I thought I had 13.

That's how many it was when I come in here. Did I mention the twins?

The twins?

Clarice and Mervyn.

Clarice and Mervyn. I can't honestly remember.

I always muddled the twins.

That would make 13, wouldn't it? Would it? Yes, it would.

Would it be room for them all in the font?

Well, they don't actually have to get inside.

I'm sure we would have married some for the family ceremony.

Mind you, 13 isn't a very lucky number.

Don't I know that.

It was on account of them 13 kids I got nicked.

Really? Well, I was worrying about how it was going to be fade and clad, you

see. So I decided to do over this big house.

Beautiful it was.

Beautiful things inside it. So I broke in.

I nicked their silver, nicked their video, nicked their jewellery. And just

was making a getaway... They nicked you.

That's about it.

What chance have any kids got with a jailbird jip over a father?

Listen, Sam, I'm going to have a word with the chairman of our parish council,

Oscar Randolph.

Randolph? Not the owner of the supermarket chain. That's the one. He

hundreds of people. I'm sure I can get him to find you a job somewhere. It's a

kind fault, Philip, but highly unlikely.

Why's that?

It was his house I'd done over.

Ah.

There we are.

Oh, thanks, love.

Oh, situation's vacant.

Yes, I'm job hunting.

Oh, good. You're giving up the church.

Now we can have a lie -in on Sundays.

It's for Sam Borrowgrove. He came out of prison yesterday.

Sam Borrowgrove? A job?

Thought you said he wasn't too keen on physical exertion.

Well, you saw I had 13 children. That must have taken a bit of effort.

13?

That's a complete football team and two reserves.

Havac, Des, debt, plus co -ord, debt, im, cont.

Havac, Des, engs, Des, debts, debts.

Have you any idea what a Havac is?

H -V -A -C.

I'm the foggiest. No, no, bye. There's an awful demand for them.

I'll get it.

You finish your tea.

All right, thanks.

Yes.

Pity they're not asking for burdens.

It's the one job Sam's qualified for.

Morning, Emma.

I have to talk to Philip immediately.

Straight away.

Right now.

Come in, Oscar.

Ah, hello, Oscar.

What can I do for you?

Do you know a gypsy called Sam Borogrow?

What an amazing coincidence. I'm just looking for a job for him. Why do you

Coffee, Oscar.

Look, you keep out of this, Emma.

Did you tell him where to put his caravans?

I beg your pardon?

Do you remember?

Last year, I invited you to the opening of my new supermarket on the Gilbraith

Estate. Remember how proud I was of it? How proud I still am? Is this the one

you kept saying was a symphony in concrete, chrome and shatterproof glass?

It's the Sistine Chapel of Supermarkets, Emma.

Parking for over 250 cars.

250 cars, and as of this morning, two kid -infested caravans.

Sounds caravan. The same.

Oh, it's very good of you to give him some parking space.

I haven't given him anything.

He took it. Like he took my video, my valuables and anything that wasn't

down on his last visit.

What's he doing there?

Last I heard, he was frying up breakfast on a barbecue made out of one of our

trolleys.

And when my manager tried to move him, he said that you'd said... that it was

all right to park there because I was a devout Christian and a soft touch.

A soft touch? Yes.

You? You didn't say I was a soft touch?

Absolutely not.

Then Borreger is lying? You never discussed me with him?

Philip, Philip, did you or did you not discuss me with him? And if you did, why

the devil did you? Well, I just thought you might... Might what?

Philip thought you might give him a job.

A job?

That thieving little weasel, that dishonest little creep, that lying

parasite. But he's gone straight for the last 12 months. Well, of course he's

gone straight. He's been in... He's been in prison.

You're winding me up, aren't you?

If you ask me, you're self -winding. Now, just sit down before your

goes. Sit down.

Just keep calm.

Calm?

I've already got a housing development bogged down because people refuse to

move. and I'm not having my supermarket screwed up for the same reason.

Now, since you are partly responsible for this situation, I'll give you 24

to persuade Borogro to move his hovels on wheels.

And if he won't move them, I'll phone my good friend the mayor and have him

bulldozed out of town.

Now, is that understood, Philip?

Understood, Oscar.

Understood, Oscar.

Right. I'm getting back to the office, and I sincerely hope you do find the

little rat a job.

Preferably abroad.

Oh, by the way, Oscar, before you go, can you make any sense out of this?

What? HVAC DESDEC PLUS COORDEC IMCONT.

Well, what about it? What does it mean?

HVAC stands for Heating, Ventilation and Air Conditioning. Ah, and DESDEC PLUS

COORDEC IMCONT?

They're looking for a Heating, Ventilation and Air Conditioning Design

and Coordinating Draftsman immediate contract offered.

That any clearer?

Not really, no.

No wonder they can't find people for the job. No one understands the adverts.

Except you, Oscar, of course.

to have a friend who'll pardon.

Right, then.

Cops, then.

And in future, you tell your chum these are not... God, John, this is not a

pushchair. This is a supermarket trolley. T -R -O -L -Y trolley.

Yes, well, I'll certainly inform him of that.

Do you want me to take you, sir? I wish you would. Absolutely soaking.

What do you want?

Sam?

Billy!

Come in, come in.

Dora, this is the vicar I was talking about, the man what saved my sanity.

Hello, Mrs Bygrove. Oh, vicar.

Vicar, what you done for my Sam? Well, if you wasn't the man of the church, I'd

give you a big sloppy kiss. I would, honest. Oh, don't let that stop you,

Oh, that's all right, really. Oh,

dear. OK, you sit down there.

All right, turn the telly off more. We've got company.

OK.

It's the Open University.

I don't care what it is. Turn it off.

All right.

But I'll never get my honours degree this race.

We'll have a nice throw -up when our oldest lad gets back.

We sent him to get a packet of tea and biscuits.

There's the one good thing about living in a supermarket car park. It's so handy

for the shop.

I suppose you've come to discuss the christening of our little family at your

church, have you? I'm afraid not, Sam. Actually, we're in a bit of trouble.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Phil.

Anything we can do to help you?

Well, when I say we, I don't mean me, I mean you.

Mr Randolph, the owner of the supermarket, has given you 24 hours to

he'll call in the law.

But where are we going to move to?

Well, I thought they were designated sites.

Designated what?

Special sites reserved for travelling folks.

See, I thought every council was required by law to provide them.

That's right.

So why don't you part there?

We did part there.

Wasn't there any room?

Oh, there's plenty of room.

Well, then why did you move?

We didn't.

You didn't? No.

You didn't move?

No.

But you're here now.

Oh, yeah, we're here now, no doubt of that.

Then you must have moved from there to here.

No.

No? No.

I'm sorry, I'm not quite following you.

How could you not move if you were there and you're now here?

Here is there.

I'm still not following you, I'm sorry.

What? The desiccated site.

This is it.

You mean this copper?

Two years ago, this was the site allocated for our lot. Then the council

sold it to your friend Randolph without bothering to supply another site.

So it's all they do?

Here's where we stay. Yeah, but Sam, they'll bring the police. They'll bring

bulldozers.

Bulldozers? Don't worry, Dora.

If they bring any such thing, we'll stop them dead in their tracks.

Well, how will you manage that?

We get mum to lie down in front of them.

Go on, Mum.

Mum. What?

Listen, Sam. No, you listen, Philip.

You two are to counsel to find out the decent site and where to move.

If Mr Randolph tries to shift us by force, we'll splash him over the front

of every local paper.

What's that about bulldozers?

Now, let's talk about the christenings.

Oh, here comes Eddie with the tea.

Did you get any biscuits like I asked you? Yes. Choccy ones?

Yes. Oh.

Give something to your gran, then.

How's it coming to the boil?

Oh, they're only half -covered.

Oh, my favourite. Lovely.

Have a biscuit.

Before I take one of these, I have to ask you, I'm sorry.

They have been paid for, haven't they?

Of course they've been paid for.

Why ask a question like that? Well, I just wondered why your son had them

at his jumper.

There's a perfectly honest explanation, isn't there, Dora?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he always brings the shopping home like that.

Yes, but why?

Well, he's got owls in his pockets, of course.

I'm sorry, it is not good enough. You councils are selling everything off.

Houses, hospitals, caravan sites, you're just selling them all off.

Well, I warn you, unless space is found for these people, there's a woman, a

grandmother of 13...

who's going to throw herself under your bulldozer.

No, no, no. Thirteen grandchildren, not thirteen years old.

What?

I know you personally don't have a bulldozer, but the council have.

Don't they? Why not?

You've sold them all off.

Philip! All right, all right. Now, look, I want you to take this down.

I'm sorry, I don't care if you're a coffee break.

We're trying to alleviate a little human misery here, so take this down word for

word. I'm still on the phone to the council.

To whom it may concern, you are failing in your duty unless you allocate some

space immediately for travelling folk as requested by past governments and as is

demanded by common, decent humanity.

Now read that back.

Hello?

Hello!

I don't believe it!

They've gone for their coffee break.

It's impossible to find anyone to give you a straight answer. I have been on

that phone for three hours.

You don't have to tell me that. I've been trying to phone my mother.

Well, there's no point in phoning her. I've never had a straight answer from

in my life.

My call to her got nothing to do with the borrow growth, so please, may I use

the phone now?

Emma, haven't you been listening?

Don't you care about the homeless?

Of course I do.

Don't you care that people are slamming doors in people's faces all over the

country, that the universal cry is no room at the inn, move on, move on? Of

course I care, but I've still got to phone mother.

What about?

stay this weekend.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I couldn't cover it. I really couldn't. I cannot cover it.

Philip Lamb, how dare you?

What? How dare you turn away my mother after what you've just said?

I'm sorry, Emma.

I'm just so frustrated.

Well, go and take it out on Oscar, not my mother. He's the one who turned the

site into a car park.

Look, Oscar's got property all over Edendale. He must have a little bit of

for a couple of caravans.

Of course he must. You're absolutely right.

I'll beard him in his den. You won't give it up without a fight.

A fight's exactly what I'm looking for. And as for your charming mother, you

phone that lovely lady now and say, I'm looking forward to seeing her.

When does she want to come? Saturday lunchtime.

Splendid. You tell her she can stay as long as she's jolly well left.

Well, till Sunday lunchtime, anyway.

I can give you two minutes, Philip. What amazing generosity.

Just tell me what's happening with the Borough Grows. You don't have to worry

any more. They've agreed to move.

Well done, Philip.

I'm sorry if I was a bit brute, but I've been wrangling with solicitors all

afternoon.

When are they moving?

Just as soon as you find them somewhere to move to.

What? You must have a spare patch of land amongst all your property deals.

talk to me about property deals.

It's more blackmail. I won't stand for it.

What do you mean, blackmail?

Look here.

See this development?

90 low -cost homes for first -time buyers.

I was just admiring it. When does it go ahead?

As soon as I get rid of the Paxton's. Who? The sitting tenants I told you

I can't start building till I demolish the slum they're living in. Oh, wait a

minute. If they've been in the house a long time... They only moved in six

months ago.

But if they're attached to it... A drafty, mildewed old dump.

Look, would you live in that?

Frankly, no.

You see, people don't take kindly to being thrown out on the street.

I've offered them first choice of the new flats at a vastly reduced rent.

So why don't they move?

250 ,000 quid.

What? They want 250 ,000 pounds before they move.

That's what their solicitor told my solicitor this afternoon.

And now the borrower's won't move till I find them a piece of land.

Now, just a minute. These Paxton's, have you been to see them personally and

explained your problem?

That's not the way you do things in business.

That's why they're making unreasonable demands.

Who was it who said, only connect the gas board?

I mean, if you went to see them personally and calmly explained that

standing in the way of decent housing for first -time buyers, they're bound to

lower their price. You really believe that, don't you? Of course I do. Then

do it.

What? I'll give you the Paxton's address, and if you can persuade them to

their price for moving...

I promise and guarantee I'll find a new site for the borough grows. Ah, I knew

you had a heart, Oscar.

And if they won't lower their price, I'll bulldoze those caravans first thing

tomorrow. I see. Well, don't bother to phone the council for any bulldozers.

They've sold them all off.

I know.

My company that bought them.

Mr. Paxton.

What do you want?

I'm Philip Lamb, vicar of All Saints.

If you're collected for something, push off. No, no, no. I just want to talk

about this property and the plans for its development.

Talk to our solicitor.

No, no, it's you I want to talk to, Mr. Paxton.

Who is it, Harry?

Some vicar wants to talk about a property.

250 ,000 and we'll move.

Can I come in and talk to you for a minute?

No. Fine, fine, that's fine. I'm more than happy to talk to you out here.

250 ,000. Not a penny more, not a penny less.

Now, push off. Just a minute.

I can understand why you're asking for so much money, but there's a family who

could help enormously by being a little more flexible.

You see, these days, we're all encouraged to put a price on everything.

I said push off.

No, listen, please.

I'm talking about something that costs nothing, but is beyond price.

I'm talking about compassion for the homeless.

I'm talking about mercy.

Do you remember how Shakespeare puts it?

The quality of mercy.

is not strained.

It droppeth as a gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.

It is twice blessed.

Henry, I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and

of the Holy Ghost.

There.

Thank you.

There we are.

Right. Come along.

That's it.

Yes.

Love it.

Good foot.

Like I said, I always muddle the twins.

I'm not having a go.

No, you'll enjoy it. Yeah, I won't put you down.

There you are. There we go. Woo.

Isn't that lovely?

There. Now, Mervis with the John can baptise you in the...

You did, I'm afraid.

I saw. Nice to see you.

Very nice of you to come.

Good morning.

Lovely, thank you. Thank you.

Have a pleasant day.

Nice to see you.

Philip, what exactly did you say to Oscar after your trip to the Paxton?

Bless me, mainly. What? I was sneezing a lot.

Mrs. Borogos just told me that Oscar's offered them temporary accommodation

until they find a permanent site for their caravan.

Could it? Oscar, I just heard what you're doing for the Borogos. Very good

you, Oscar. Goodness has nothing to do with it. I'm going to move them into the

flat above the Paxton's.

What?

Get out of the way!

If that doesn't ship the money -grubbing swine, nothing will.

That's basically wrong, isn't it?

After a few weeks living under the borough grows, they'll be paying me to

them move.

Thank you for the lovely service, Vicar.

Mrs. Vicar. My pleasure, George.

Not so fast, Eddie.

Come back here.

You're christened now, and that means you're half -way to being a Christian.

Isn't that right, Vicar?

Something like that, yes.

So, if you're half -way to being a Christian, give him back the collection

Oh, I'm so sorry, Vicar.

You know how it is.

Yes, you told me in the caravan.

That's right, Mrs. Lamb. Little devil.

When you bring him next time, do me a favour. Of course, Vicar.

Sew up the holes, will you?