Original subtitles

Morning. You moving the vicar, are you? No, Mike. It's a chest of drawers.

Morning,

vicar.

Oh, we said you had too many books.

A good book, Wilf.

It's the purest essence of the human soul.

Nothing very pure about the ones I've been reading lately.

Ever read The Love Machine by Jackie Collins?

Can't say I have, Will.

Lend it to you if you like.

I thought you still had too many books.

Bet you ain't got one like The Love Machine by Jackie Collins.

I've brought you a going -away present.

Oh. Homemade marmalade, parsnip, flunk and a pot of my GBH.

GBH? Ah, Grievous Bodily Arm.

It's my special home brew.

Oh, well, that's very kind of you, but I remember what your special brew did to

me last time. Oh, yes, New Year's party.

Nearly did yourself a nasty injury doing a can -can like that.

Well, the can -can was all right. He was trying to do the splits at the same

time.

This New Year's party won't be the same without you here. Oh, you'll have some

good parties with the new vicar?

Can't see him doing the can -can, no.

Not at the age of 63, no, perhaps not.

Mind you, a glass of your special brew, anything's possible.

Well, you hang on to it anyhow.

When you find out what you've lumbered yourself with, you'll need something to

drown your sorrows.

Well, Edendale will certainly be very different from here.

You'll miss all this air, too.

Well, I think Edendale has the odd spot of air now and again.

Think how many folks have been breathing it before you.

So, I suppose a figure's got to do what a figure's got to do.

Hello,

Will. Thought I heard your voice. Oh, Mrs. Anne, I'm just making my farewells.

Goodbye, Will. And we'll be back for a visit as soon as we're settled. May the

good Lord preserve you long enough to do so.

Well...

Good luck.

Good health.

And God help you both.

Thanks a lot, Wilf. Bye, Wilf. All the best.

Good old Wilf, ever the cheery optimist.

Oh, no, not more jam and homemade booze. I'm afraid so. It's very kind of

everyone to be so generous, but if I arrive at a new parish with that lot,

they'll think I'm either alcoholic or Paddington Bear.

I'm surprised the Major hasn't been by yet. Say his farewell.

Oh, you won't see him till all the work's over. His ability to avoid work

borders on the paranormal.

I could do with a hand, too. Well, Fred Peter's still out tortoise hunting.

Oh, no, Fred's not gone missing again, has he?

I thought Peter had stuck an electronic watsit on his shell.

Took him long enough to make it. Homing device, yes, but we think the battery's

conked out.

That's all we need, a flat tortoise.

Oh, Miranda, would you kindly give your feeble aged father a hand with his

packing? Sorry, but I'm not feeling very sociable at the moment.

You can feel as unsociable as you like, as long as you help me bung the books in

the boxes.

You don't understand, do you?

I've just been saying goodbye to Jeff.

Ah, Jeff.

Oh, Jeff. Oh, Jeff. Yes, he's that short, dark... You see, you don't even

who Jeff is.

Of course I do.

Charming Jeff. He's got a rather striking hooter and... Don't try to help

Mum. He's so busy understanding everyone else, he hasn't time for my problems.

That's unfair, Miranda.

I don't see why. He calls most of them.

I thought she was looking forward to the move. She was until last week when she

met Jeff. Oh, yeah. By the way, what was all...

What's that about?

His father's a pig farmer.

What's that got to do with it? Well, I was doing a pig, you know.

Well,

it wasn't very good.

Doing my best.

Is it serious with this Jess? No, no. She just wants someone to be tragically

separated from.

Well, I suppose you could always write to her.

Wouldn't count on it. Didn't look any too bright to me. You know the type.

Dishy but dim.

Why does she always fall for these good -looking nitwits?

Don't know, darling.

Probably takes after me.

Is that box to go out in a van? Yes.

Well, the back's open.

Here we are.

Any luck, Peter?

Any luck, Peter?

What's he looking for, anyway? Flying saunters? No, he's taught us, Fred.

The saunters?

Then what's with the earphones?

Well, the theory is that the nearer you are to him, the louder the whistle.

Whose whistle?

Fred's.

Oh, whistling saunters.

Climbing, teaching to read music. You make a fortune.

Oh, excuse me, Vicar.

Before we get on with the last bit of clearing up, I was wondering if...

we move off, would you like to say a prayer? Yeah.

Is your driving that bad? Oh, no, no, no.

It's just that the last vicar we moved, he did one for us. And when we moved the

crowd of Hare Krishnas, we got a song and a dance and all.

Did you?

Well, I know Fred is there, but I'm glad to do the prayer for you.

Dear Lord... Dear Lord, be with these men on the road ahead and may they reach

their destination safely with as few breakages as possible. Amen.

Amen.

Thank you, vicar. That'll do nicely.

Of course, he's a bit of a Bible basher.

Is he? Yeah.

I'm not really a Christian myself.

Aren't you? No.

Do you think that'll make a difference?

You mean, will the prayer work?

Yeah. I think you'll be all right. You may be driving the van, but it is a

vicar's furniture.

Oh, yeah.

Never thought of that.

Right. Give us a hand with this.

What do you want?

I think you'd better have a talk with Peter. He's upstairs.

He's saying goodbye to his old room, I suppose? No, saying goodbye to us.

He's locked his door and refuses to come out.

Don't worry, I'll sort him out.

That's what Dad's for.

Peter!

Peter! I'm not coming out, Dad.

If Fred's staying, so am I. Look, Peter, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll give the matey some money, and when he finds Fred, he can stick some stamps

on him and send him on to us.

It's not just Fred.

You're the only one who wants... go to this rotten parish?

I had no choice, Peter.

God said you had to go, did he?

Yes, I think he did.

Well, he's just told me to stay.

Really? He's very chatty with his family, isn't he?

Elliot!

Oh, good grief, the Major.

Elliot! Emma!

In here, Major.

Ah. Morning.

Hello, Emma. Morning. Everything going smoothly?

Don't hesitate if you want us to do anything.

Oh, yes, thanks. We are having a bit of trouble shifting one item.

Ah, well, I'd be delighted to help with the old backs playing up a bit, you

know, from the Cyprus days.

Mavis will be pleased to do anything. They're as strong as a cart horse,

they, Gary?

Is it very heavy, this item?

About six stone ten in his sock.

What? Look, this is your last chance, Peter.

If you don't come out by the time I count three, I'm going to break this

You hear?

Very well.

One.

This is your last chance, remember?

Two.

I don't want to break it down, but I will if I have to.

Two and a half.

Probably injure myself, but it can't be helped.

Two and three quarters.

If I do myself a permanent injury, I just hope you'll be able to do it

that's all.

Two and three quarters.

You just said that.

I'm just checking you were listening.

Two and five -eighths.

Three. All right, young man. Three -eighths.

Oh.

Hello, Major.

Having trouble with young Peter, eh?

Not really, no, no. He'll soon come round.

I won't, you know.

You leave this to me. It's just a question of leadership.

Hello, Peter.

Major, then.

Yes.

Now, look, old boy, we'd be delighted for you to stay on after the rest of

family have departed.

You can help look after the place until the new people arrive.

The only snag is we'll have to cut off the gas and electricity so there won't

any hot water for baths and you won't be able to watch the TV.

What do you say?

Yeah, all right.

No, no, Peter, you don't understand.

I do, Major. So could you ask Dad to get my pyjamas out of the car?

Your boy.

What about him?

Shrewd little beggar, isn't he?

Thanks for your help, Major.

You did your best.

Emma! Emma!

Will you kindly have a word with your son?

He's being impossible.

Let me talk to him.

I'll soon shift the little squirt.

Miranda, why are you always so rude about your brother?

Cos I...

I suppose it's a bad idea, not really.

Is there any way to ship them boys to find that damn tortoise? If only we

Yes, pity your removal, men of God, and we could have organised a beating party.

What, beat Peter?

No, no, no, the tortoise. Flush him out of his cover.

Still, we'll see what can be organised with this stick and a golf umbrella.

Mavis, get the golf bag out of the boot, will you?

You know, in spite of everything, I'm going to miss the old major.

Know what you mean.

He's like one of those old familiar twinges you get when rain's expected.

Just having one long look for friends.

Fine, thank you, Peter. Right.

Peter. He knew he had to come out eventually, so I shoved half a five

note under his door and said he could have the other half if he came out.

Five pounds?

But that's bribery.

No, it isn't, because I'm not going to give him the other half.

You most certainly will.

If you've made a bargain with your brother, you jolly well keep to it.

If you say so, Dad.

Not a wise move, Philip.

It'll teach her a good lesson. She should use her money to better purpose.

But it was me that gave her the fibre.

Then it'll teach you a lesson.

Yes, but I got it out of your wallet.

All looks pretty empty, doesn't it?

Yes.

Having a last look round?

Yes.

It's dangerous to look back, you know, Emma.

Remember what happened to Lot's wife?

Yes.

I think I've turned into salt already.

Cheer up. Have you checked all the rooms?

They all look so empty and lonely.

And abandoned.

Steady on, you'll get me going in a minute. Look what Major Andrews found.

Fred!

How did you find him?

I tripped over the little brute.

Miranda, would you take that up to Peter? He's waiting in the car.

Let's hope it cheers him up. I hope so. If it cheers up sufficiently, I might

get my fibre back.

Well, you all ready?

Yes, we've packed everything.

Well, I hope so. No more room in the car.

Well, in that case, what are you going to do with this lot?

Which lot?

You ought to get something for that cold, Emma.

Oh, good grief. I've forgotten all about this.

The going away presents.

Would either of you like some jam or wine?

Oh, that's very good of you.

Oh, certainly not, Charles. People have gone to a lot of trouble to make all

this stuff. But we haven't got room for it. Well, what you can't get on your

lap, we'll have to put on the roof of the car.

Frankly, Major, I don't think the suspension will take it. Well, if it

you'll just have to stop and drink it, won't you?

If we drink any of this stuff, we'll get there before the car.

I'm meeting Edendale with all this luggage.

Edendale? You'll be lucky if we get to the bottom of the drives.

Meaning with B.

Boredom. Brain damage.

Play it properly, Peter, or don't play at all.

Do tortoises get cars?

No real harm done. We can change at the next service station. Into what? We've

only got things for the night. We can't arrive in our pyjamas.

Hello.

No cause for concern, officer. I'm a vicar.

I just had a slight accident with some bottles.

Actually, it was the beer on my son's lap.

I had to stop anyway because the tortoise got carpy.

Everything under control now, so there's really no need to detain you, but thank

you very much indeed for stopping.

Very kind of you.

They get younger every day, don't they?

But... What do you think?

I don't know.

I think he's getting rid of the evidence.

need for that, you know.

Nevertheless, I'd appreciate a little puff in here, sir.

Imagine you're blowing up balloons for the Sunday school outing.

Well, he's a man of God, all right. Start her up. How do you mean?

It smells like a brawny, rabbits run about in tortoises, and it doesn't show

in the breathalyser. It's got to be a miracle, hasn't it?

Sorry,

I don't know how he got out.

Probably the same way you did.

Don't do that, Emma.

Thought it might get rid of the smell of beer.

I'd rather arrive smelling of beer than your body spray.

I don't think we'll ever arrive at all.

Is it still Wednesday?

We'll stop somewhere to eat.

Look, they'll have food waiting for us. They're wonderfully warm people.

I suppose Fred's got a spare lettuce leaf, has he?

Ah, wait. I know what we've done wrong. So do I. Moving to Edendale.

Ma! We took the wrong turning off the motorway. In fact, we're nearer than we

thought. Do you like to map read while you drive?

No, thanks, love. That's what we got lost in the first place.

Like never!

and very wet. Things are bound to look black. Now, you both pop upstairs and

check your bedrooms. But, Dad... Do as I tell you and don't worry. Everything's

going to be fine.

You go upstairs and have a good old explore. That's the way.

Oh, Emma, what a disaster. You were absolutely right.

What? We should never have come here.

It's a terrible place.

There's no furniture, no food, not even a chair for you to sit on.

Why didn't you stop me coming to a dump like this?

I want to go home.

Don't you dare.

What? Don't you dare throw wobbly now, Philip Lamb.

Probably. For weeks you've been saying that you need a new challenge. Well,

is it.

And if you go defeatist on us before we're halfway through the door, I'll

personally bounce every one of Wilf's bottles off your head.

You know you're beautiful when you're angry. And you're very boring when

full of self -pity. So, let's be a little more positive, shall we?

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

Positive. Think positive.

that the non -appearance of our furniture is a little worrying.

They probably flogged it. Philip.

Positive. Think positive.

You said it wasn't going to be easy.

Well, it isn't.

But we're going to make it work, Philip.

Now we're here, we'll make it work.

You're right.

I'm sorry.

All right, there's no furniture, no food, no beds. It's raining.

It is a disaster, isn't it? Philip.

But we will rise above it.

I didn't know what you and the kids would like, so I brought the luck.

Fish and chips, a Chinese takeaway, and doner kebab. So, Ricky, darling, but

what's happened to all our stuff?

Didn't you see Alex's note?

What note? On the back door.

Oh, we came in the front way, you see. Ah, well.

Here we are.

Oh, Tom.

Oh, Bennett.

Is this booze all yours?

Afraid so.

Well, I reckon you'll fit in here very nicely.

Ah, that's Alec and the lads now.

The furniture van broke down.

That's right. So the welcoming committee went off to rescue enough of your stuff

to get you through the night. Great.

Thank goodness you got in one piece.

We were all very worried. You weren't the only one. Hello, Alan. We've got

mattresses, blankets and sleeping bags.

You look done in, the pair of you. Well, we had to cope with police exploding

beer bottles and getting lost. And then your furniture van breaks down.

Blimey. You don't think he's trying to tell you something, do you?

At least we were spared a plague of locusts, boils and frogs.

Well, we did have a slight outbreak of tortoise on the way here.

Pour up again.

Your van driver said I was to give you this personal. I don't know. Thanks very

much. And don't worry. After a start like this, things can only get better.

Welcome to Eden Day.

This house is really great.

Really? Yeah. It's just like the one in... What's that film called again?

Psycho.

Have all our stuff here by lunchtime tomorrow.

Marvellous. Cheeky devil.

Fierce. Hope your praying improves. It didn't do much for us.