Original subtitles

We have the bedroom at the front of the new vicarage and the windows are four by

six. Yes.

We'll either have to buy new curtains or use the ones in Peter's room.

Well, use Peter's then.

Trouble is, I've never been very fond of the Incredible Hulk.

The Hulk?

When did he get rid of the naughty ones?

He hasn't had those for years.

Oh, pity. I could have lived with naughty in the bedroom, despite the fact

a racist.

What's he doing?

It's a new remedy for headaches based on aquapuncture. You press your thumbs

into the soft bits on the other side of your head.

Does it work?

No, it's lovely when you stop.

I said it's psychosomatic.

Put on by the inability to throw away old clothes.

I thought I'd been pretty ruthless.

Ruthless? Your side of the wardrobe looks like the back room of an Oxfam

You hang on to things till they fall apart.

That's probably due to faulty potty training, most things are.

Now, the more we give to the church sale, the less we'll have to pack.

So, let's be a little more ruthless, shall we?

Starting with this. We are not getting rid of that.

That's my boating blazer. You don't go boating.

I might when we get to Edendale. Ah, on the local canal amongst all those rusty

bedsteads. How do I look?

You look like a collapsed deck chair.

Take it off.

You should have seen me then.

What's this doing here?

You are not getting rid of that.

That is my favourite jacket.

I'm sure I remember giving that away to last year's church sale.

Well, you couldn't have done it, did you?

I know I did.

So what's it doing back in your wardrobe?

Well, they were only asking 50p for it.

You mean you bought it back again?

We've been through too much together for me to let it go for a measly 50p.

Right. This year we'll charge a quid. A quid? And don't you dare buy it back.

Right. We need more space.

So, could you get the suitcase out from the top of the wardrobe?

And put the jacket back in the box, Philip.

Dad, it's all soft on her fiancé downstairs.

What? Oh, yes, I'm trying to explain the significance of the Christian marriage

ceremony to them. They're not due till 12.

Well, they've come early because he's got a lunchtime darts match.

Oh, I see. I'm glad he's got it for ours, he's right.

All right, show him the study, will you, Miranda? OK.

Is that Maggie, all soft's daughter?

Yes, I think they're hopelessly mismatched, but, well, she's absolutely

determined to get married. Yes, well, she always struck me as the upwardly

nubile type.

Yeah, well, I'll bring a stepladder up for that case when they're gone.

Philip? Yeah?

You don't think she has to get married, do you?

Well, frankly, I think she's just doing it to get away from her mother, and

knowing her mother, I don't blame her. No, no, no, no, no.

Thank you.

Rotten.

Oh, Peter, we're supposed to be getting rid of junk, not carving more in.

I'm planting.

What are they teaching you, advanced bootlegging?

It's for the sketch in the end -of -term concert.

Count Dracula's coffin ends up in a Wild West saloon.

It's called Go For Your Gum.

Sounds like something you could really get your teeth into.

Yes, Dad, we're using that joke.

So can I borrow your tape recorder?

I want to record some screams.

Well, I'm not doing any screaming for you. Ask Miranda if she's good at that.

Hello, Paul. Hello, Freddie.

Oh, morning, Vicar.

Shall I keep you a minute?

Looks like you had a party last night, Vicar. I know, I know.

Those are my sons.

It's got expensive taste, hasn't it?

They're just empty bottles for the school play.

Yeah, but who emptied them, eh?

Shut up. No.

Right.

Thank you for seeing us earlier, Light. I got a darts match.

I did try to get him to chuck it. But I told him he wasn't married yet.

You wait till we are. I'm not giving up my darts.

We'll see about that.

Oh, yeah, and how are you going to make me?

It's very nice to see you, whatever the circumstances. Now, where were we last

week? Oh, yes. Now, last week we spoke briefly about the significance of the

wedding ceremony from a Christian viewpoint.

Well, now, this week let's try to find out what each of you hopes to get from

the union.

Pardon?

What are you expecting?

Expecting? Am I expecting?

Who says I'm expecting? I didn't mean that, Tracy. I'm sure you're not.

Yes, of course you did. What I mean is, what do you, as a woman, hope to get out

of marriage?

I'm sorry, Mr Lamb, he just won't take this seriously.

Well, let's start with that then. Now, Paul, is Tracy right when she says that

you won't take marriage seriously?

Of course it's serious.

For the manic virgins, I'm the tragic.

Well, that doesn't sound exactly enthusiastic, Paul.

I don't mind.

Ah, well, no, that's not enough, you see. That's not enough. You must really

want it. Oh, I want it, all right. It's getting married I'm not sure about.

Stop, Paul.

Now, look, you've asked me to marry you before I leave for my new parish. But

quite frankly, I don't think your relationship is sufficiently secure for

consider marriage yet.

You what?

Oh, well, easy come, easy go.

You don't know nothing about us. We love each other. Yes, but you also have to

live with each other. And for that, you have to know how to communicate.

Now, for instance, have you discussed children?

I am not pregnant.

No, I'm talking about communication, Tracy. Now, for example, my marriage

wouldn't have survived during the last few months if Emma and I didn't know how

to talk to each other. I mean, we had the most rightful rows, really going at

it, hammer and tongs. All right, but just because your marriage is on the

why should we talk?

You see, my wife didn't want to leave this parish. But through discussion, I

able to persuade her to change her mind. You're not changing mind. Come on,

Paul. Yeah, right.

And if you won't marry us, we'll find a vicar who will. Now, Tracy, wait a

moment. Cheers!

And this time, one that doesn't have a drink problem.

What?

What are you doing?

It's watered -down ginger ale. Looks realistic, doesn't it?

It certainly fooled Paul and Tracy.

What would you like?

No, thanks very much. What I really need is an aspirin.

What's the matter?

Nothing, Dad. Just doing the sound effects.

Thanks so much.

I did my headache a power good.

Ah, Tracy.

Is your mother coming down to help with the sale?

After what I tell her, she won't be coming near the church, let alone your

He's not till Mr. Lamb's gone.

Why? What's happened?

His marriage is breaking up, so he's refusing to marry us.

I had a feeling something was wrong. Even the kids are in the bottle.

His wife didn't want to leave him.

I told you she wasn't happy about it.

His family persuaded her, didn't he?

Gentle, sir.

Probably him, persuading her.

David, stay here.

Look, do you mind doing that somewhere else? Your mother will think I'm

throttling you. Come on, Shakespeare, we carry on screaming upstairs.

I say, I say, don't forget your script.

You wrote all this, did you?

Yeah, I wrote it in the back of the science class.

I see, did you?

Is it going to be as bad as last year's? What, Joseph and his amazing

Technicolor Brazier?

That's the one.

It will be just as embarrassing as last time. No, it won't. Yes, it will. All

the boys and girls with balloons shoved up their front. But this year they won't

be allowed to bust.

He doesn't get it from me, Lord.

At least I hope he doesn't.

Yes, genuine 70 % proof ginger ale.

Ginger ale, yes, of course.

Oh, Emma's upstairs getting things together for the church sale. I'll go

hurry her up. How is Emma, by the way? Well, a bit punch drunk.

Punch drunk? Yes, well, having to cope with the church sale and the move.

Yes, she wasn't too keen to go in the first place, was she? Oh, no, she really

dug her heels in, but we finally thrashed it out.

Thrashed it out? It was a real battle. A battle, but now she's as keen as you

are, is she?

Well, not quite. I had to be pretty tough with her.

Tough, how tough?

Well, ask yourself what you have done.

Yes, Philip, I think I will.

Take it to you. Count it off.

Oh, no, no, look, I'd be a lot happier if I got up there. Get down, I'll get up

there. I can manage.

This is the age of equality, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Ah! What happened?

That's one in the eye for equality.

Let's have a look.

Oh, that's going to come up a right treat.

Oh, thank you, Philip. That makes me feel a lot better. Come on, come on,

get you out of the kitchen. You're going to need something on that.

I told you to let me do it, didn't I?

I say, need any help up there?

All right, Major.

Gangway. What? What's happened?

Emma's just had a smack in the eye.

Go on in there. Go on.

Emma, how did this happen?

Oh, it was my own fault. I was just being stupid.

Yes, you were.

Right. Shove that on it.

A large steak is what's called for.

I'll take the fridge.

This is what comes of not doing what I tell you.

Emma, are you saying this happened just because you disobeyed Philip?

No, she was hitting me out of the cricket ball, Major.

Cricket ball?

This custard must have been in here for months.

You were playing cricket in the bedroom?

No, no, on top of the wardrobe.

You were playing on top of the wardrobe?

No steak, I'm afraid. What about a handful of mince? There isn't any ice in

freezer. Look, I've got to get back to Mavis.

But remember, Emma, if there's anything, anything at all, we're no further away

than the nearest telephone.

Nice of the Major to be so concerned.

He gave you an awfully odd look as he left. I don't think he's forgiven me yet

for leaving his beloved parish.

There's a lot of latent hostility there. Any ice?

No, but I think I found the perfect substitute.

What? Try a frozen steak burger.

Oh, very funny.

Well, I'm only doing my best.

Oh.

What's happened, Charles?

What was all that screaming?

I shall have to telephone the Bishop Maybeth. It's my duty.

church walking.

Sir Philip is drinking heavily.

Worse than that, my dear.

He started beating his wife.

I can't believe it, Philip. I won't.

I'm as astonished as you are, Celia, but Charles was there.

He heard it happen.

Philip went upstairs.

Started shouting.

There were the most frightful screams.

A thump.

A silence.

And then he dragged poor Emma down the stairs nursing a black eye.

But she didn't actually say Philip had done it, did she? She's a loyal wife,

Wilf. If only battered wives would learn to speak up.

Or learn karate.

He had been drinking, remember?

And popping pills.

Charles saw him do it.

Obviously, why they're moving.

His behaviour's getting out of hand. And we've got wind of it. They can't just

arrive. Not a word until Charles arrives with the bishop. But we can at least

show our disapproval of Philip's brutality.

Ah, afternoon, ladies. All saving away. That's the idea.

Hello, Miss Charles. Everything going smoothly?

Oh, obviously not.

Ah, Wilf, what a splendid show. That must be one of yours. How do you get

so big?

I treat them with tenderness, like it's best to treat all living things, be they

maris or your missis.

Sound advice, Wilf, sound advice.

Hello, Mrs. Bedivere. How's the leg?

Getting back, getting, getting back, getting... Hello, Mary's dear.

Sorry you're so late.

The major told you about a little mishap, did he?

Oh, yes, he told me all about it.

Poor old Emma looks as if she's gone ten rounds with Frank Bruno.

And how many rounds did she have to go with you?

Oh!

I say, Celia, splendid Tom Bowler prizes this year. I shall be buying a few

tickets myself.

On rejection, I think that alcohol at a church function is a mistake and can

turn the most decent of men into monsters.

Well, not in moderate...

Made a beeline for the bottle, I see. Oh, not half. You know me.

Oh, and a great collection of junk.

Male chauvinist pig.

Well, as long as he's got a slot on the top for the money, who cares?

Oh, I'd love those.

on the wife, I suppose.

Oh, yes.

Easier on the knuckles.

It's easier on the knuckles.

Oh, I'll take that. Oh, thanks.

Remember what I said about the major's resentment at us leaving?

Yes. Well, it spread.

What? Even Celia cut me dead. Be prepared for the old cold shoulder. The

atmosphere in there could freeze a microwave.

I'll go and get the other box.

myself from kicking him right in the ugly i tell

you they're ignoring

it actually philip i think they're ignoring you it's not disloyalty

to philip my lord but the last incumbent of this parish was an alcoholic and if

my fears are correct yes yes you were quite right to call it's fortunate i was

in the vicinity

If I may be allowed to talk to them both, privately.

Oh, yes, don't worry. I'll clear the hall very discreetly.

Ah, my dear Philip.

Hello, Bishop.

And Emma. Bishop!

Oh, dear.

That's a bit of an eyesore.

No pun intended.

Well, she got a bit out of hand, so I had to give her a knuckle sandwich.

You basket!

Ah, yes.

Bring your basket, Will.

Some more stops are right, so we're all going out to bring it in. If there's any

trouble, Mrs Lamb, I'll be right outside.

Well, this is an unexpected pleasure, Bishop.

Yes, I was on my way to dine with friends. I saw the sale advertised, so I

thought I'd drop in for a few bargains. Ah, now I think I've got the very thing

for you. Here we are. I've been looking for a good home for this.

Ideal for gardening. Only a quid. I don't think so, Philip.

It's a jacket fit for a king, let alone a bishop.

I'd hate to rob your parishioners of such a majestical bargain.

Just as you say, Bishop.

You haven't said how you came by it. I think I got it in Skegness, actually.

no, it means my black eyes, Philip.

Oh, sorry. It was a stupid accident, Bishop.

You would tell me if there were any problems, wouldn't you?

Well, there is a problem, actually.

Yes? I'm not very popular with the parishioners at the moment. No? I think

they're angry about me leaving.

Is that the only reason?

Well, until we announced it, we were very popular with everyone.

And what have you been saying to my Tracy?

Hello, Margaret. How dare you! There you accuse her of being pregnant. I didn't.

Saying she's not ready for marriage.

How would you know with your own marriage coming apart at the scene?

Wife beat her. Wife beat her? And you should get out of the house when he

drinking. The villager, you screaming.

Screaming when?

This morning at the vicarage. That was our daughter, Miranda.

You beat her as well, do you?

Certainly not. Hey, wait a minute. I was hitting the eye with a cricket ball.

If you can aim like that, you ought to be bowling for England.

Oh, for the last time.

My black eye has nothing to do with Philip. We all admire your loyalty.

It has nothing to do with loyalty either. It's the truth.

But Emma, don't scream. That wasn't me.

That was sound effects from Peter's school play. He's doing Dracula.

And as for you, Bishop, how could you possibly imagine that Philip would raise

hand against me or anyone else? Oh, one has to check these things out, my dear

Emma. Even though one may suspect they're nothing more than old wives'

Oh, my dear Philip, is there anything I can do to make amends?

Well, there is one thing, Bishop. What's that?

Give us a quid for the jacket.

I'll tell you something, Philip.

I'm beginning to hate the sight of books.

Don't worry. Only one of the 700 to go.

Let's have a look at that eye. Oh, yes, it's improved a lot these last few days.

Not glorious technicolour at all. Just plain old black and white, eh?

You were really fantastic on Saturday, you know. The way you ticked everybody

off, including the bishop. Oh, well, I'm just glad it's all blown over.

It would be a shame if there was any unpleasantness our last week here.

Dad, it's the Major.

And the outlook's stormy.

Philip! Emma!

I've been reflecting on the events of last weekend and I'm far from satisfied.

So I've called an emergency meeting in the parish hall for this evening.

What on earth for?

Important things were left unsaid.

Things? Yes.

What kind of things?

Important things.

The meeting starts at eight o 'clock. Be there.

What was all that about?

Things.

Ah. No light.

He did say it, didn't he? Yes.

Then why are there no cars outside?

Well, they'll be here in a minute. The fuses must have gone. Come on.

All's in darkness, too.

Yeah. Come on. The fuse box must be here somewhere.

Let's go home and tell him we don't like it here. Don't be so silly.

I know I'm being silly, but I feel we're being watched. Look, Emma, even with

your vivid imagination, I assure you there's nobody here but us chickens.

Well,

I'll be damned.

Well, if you are, there's not much hope for the rest of them.

Emma,

Philip, I said earlier on that important things have been left unsaid.

One of them was that...

We're all going to miss you somewhat.

And the other is that we've got a small presentation to make. Celia, where the

devil are you? Here I am, Major.

We wish you all joy and happiness in your new parish.

Thank you, everyone.

It's rather appropriate, given recent events.

What? It's a punchbowl.

A little something especially for you, Philip. I know you was wanting this.

Well, you've made me a very happy man.

What is it?