Original subtitles

I don't bloody well believe it.

Hello, darling.

You know, I just thought I'd better give that Gertrude a clean before I go off

to Aberdeen. You should see the amount of leaves that there are. In the

balaclava?

Goodbye, John.

Susan, wait, please. It's not what it seems.

It's exactly what it seems. You've been spying on me again, only this time I

think you've gone a bit too far.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

So who are the stockings for, eh?

Eh? Oh, I'm supposed to be in Aberdeen and you're out gallivanting in silk

stockings. For the five years that we have been married, I have been wearing

stockings.

Most men would be delighted to have a wife who wore only stockings. Most men?

Most men? What do you mean, most men? What men?

I'm not going to stand here and discuss your insane jealousy any longer.

to Aberdeen, maybe you would take Honey Bun for a walk.

They'd always have worn trousers.

You're pathetic.

You're ruining your marriage, aren't you? And why?

For nothing.

For nothing.

She loves you. You love her.

What's the problem?

You're the problem. And you, friend, are the solution.

You can change. You will change.

Say after me.

I can change.

I will change.

I can change.

I will change.

I can change.

I will change.

I can... Well?

Did you see the psychiatrist?

No, darling, but you can wave goodbye to jealous Johnny.

I'm 100 % cured, and the joy of it is I did it myself.

Not entirely yourself.

Anyway, who cares? I mean, as long as you've got it under control.

I was beginning to think it was old basket weaving for you.

Pals?

Pals.

Kit?

Singapore Sandwich? No, John.

Oh, come on, Susie. Come and play with Harry, won't you? I can't. I've got to

go. Oh, don't be petty businesslike.

No, I can't. I've got to be after aerobics in ten minutes.

I've got a five o 'clock deadline on my article, and if the editor likes it, I

might get a regular column.

God, you're a temptress.

I just don't want to blow it, John.

Does it work?

Play your cards right, raise your armpits and be back at six o 'clock.

Foiled again, Harry.

Why bother with the lipstick if you're going swimming?

I mean, won't it come off in the water?

Well, not unless that huge lifeguard decides to give me the kiss of life

Joke.

It's the full glam for aqua aerobics. I mean, it's Joan Collins or it's the end

of your pool cred.

Now, get out of here going.

Harry Horny will be waiting.

My wife loves me.

And I love her.

I can change.

I will change.

have changed okay ladies we're gonna be punching a lot of pools today okay and

shifting a great deal of water so concentrate and enjoy yourselves now

your arms up into opening position tuck those elbows in and here we go now okay

hit it

And remember to keep your puppy in my safe file if I... Out of the rain. Not

like Mrs. B.

Hattleston from Cedal Hume, who got it soaked last week.

And it ended up like this.

Now, over to our sewing bee, where Marjorie and Elspeth have been working

very glamorous evening jacket.

Actually, we're calling it a matinee jacket because it's just as useful for

cocktail parties as it is for tea dances.

Tea dances?

Oh, come on, Marjorie.

to tea dances these days. The cloakroom is like you and me, Elsa.

Speak for yourself.

Actually, it's quite easy to make, apart from the little secret pocket here.

And that's sewn carefully into the left -hand side of the body. And it's a

perfect place for secreting all those abandoned earrings.

Yeah, oh, those naughty cigarettes.

You can put your bus pass in there. Well, some of us have got a few years'

in here.

I'll put my cloakroom ticket in there.

Other secret note from your lover.

A toy boy in your case, is it? Oh, must be talking.

Anyway, here's what I received earlier.

Oh, come on, I'd recognise your handwriting anyway.

Oh, you spoil it all, you do.

But many a good marriage has been brought down by that careless love note

in the secret pocket. Now, come on, Elsbeth, Elsbeth, governments have been

brought down by love.

One night at the Barracuda.

Claritin Street.

Teddy. 8 .30, the 19th.

It's tonight.

Claritin.

Claritin Street, 16th of June.

Where's Susan? Where's she at?

So, Mrs. Pettigrew, perhaps you care to tell the court exactly what you were

doing the night of June the 16th?

I was at my Oklahoma rehearsal, of course.

Your Oklahoma rehearsal?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

Oh, what a beautiful day.

I've got a marvelous feeling.

Lost for words, Mrs. Pettigrew. You do surprise me.

And I thought the lead would be heartily sick of the words by now. Let me try

you again.

When I take you out in the Surrey.

When I take you out in the Surrey. When I take you out in the Surrey with

the... Comfortable seat.

No, Mrs. Pettitrove!

It's not the comfortable seat. It's the fringe very much on the top. I don't

care.

Look, I'm going to be a bit late tonight. Something really juicy's come

Interesting. Well, it's my big chance for a really big scoop.

It's a one -off, and I think I'd be crazy to miss it.

I'll be back about ten or eleven.

There's loads of stuff in the freezer.

You don't mind, do you?

Well, actually... I've got to dash now, but I'll tell you about it later.

Bye, darling.

OK, darling. Bye -bye.

So something juicy's come up.

Called Teddy, perhaps?

Hey, girls.

You carry on drinking that stuff and you blow up like a balloon, right?

So let's see if the balloons float, okay?

Two Indiana Jones.

Ah.

A bit obvious, maybe.

Does your husband carry a gun?

Are pit bull terriers an endangered species?

Ah,

the crazy type.

Well, he follows me around, but don't worry.

His bad breath hits you five minutes before he and his beaten -up Burberry

arrive.

Who's worried?

My Aston will slay his Burberry.

we lose the bubbler.

Right. Right. Think rationally here.

One, I disguise myself and I travel incognito to the Barracuda Club.

Two,

observe my wife and her lover.

Three,

I follow them and I catch them in flagrante delicto.

Four,

Yeah.

No.

Oh

God.

Can't go through with this.

Of course you can.

Come on, John.

Be a man.

Watch you in the morning and I'm watching you at night.

I know what's going on.

I won't do anything.

It's Barracuda Rapier. We only do cocktails.

Well, what have you got then?

We have a stingray, four measures of vodka, ice.

We have a shark shake, four measures of Malibu and just a dash of condensed

milk. We have a Portuguese man of war, which is half a pint of sherry with some

pernod croutons, and we have the speciality, the barracuda, a tidal wave

whiskey lovingly caressed with a dash of Tabasco sauce with an egg on top.

Well... Oh, give me one of those whiskey -shaped things.

Teddy.

A woman.

Jesus Christ.

A threesome.

Mind if I join you? Go on.

I love the way you've done your eyes. It's very subtle.

Do you mind if I ask you what you use?

Use it?

Just whatever's lying around.

It's not Christian Dior's demi -mondaine, is it?

Oh, I'd die for his new range, but we're talking...

Second mortgages.

You're lucky.

You've got blue eyes.

You can get away with brighter colours.

I once tried Estee Lauder's burnt orange.

I ended up looking like a woolly lampshade.

Oh, this girl's buffered!

No, but seriously, though, I have to stick to muted colours to look my best.

Although, I'm rather tempted by these coloured contacts.

What do you think?

Do you think I'd suit emerald green eyes?

Nanty or boner? What do you think?

O .T .D. perhaps? Sorry.

Sorry.

I've got a bit of a headache.

Turn off.

I get a half price because it took you so long.

Piss off.

Oh, I see. Just the apology.

Hi, Celestina.

This is Susan, and you know Leslie, of course.

And I'm sorry, I don't know your company.

I think it might be Miss Grumpy.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Jane.

Can we join you?

If you must.

Susan's doing a piece for a magazine on clandestine lifestyle.

It'll be a sympathetic piece, eh, Susie? Yeah, definitely.

If I use this, I hope you don't mind, it just saves misquoting. I won't be using

any real names, obviously.

I mean, one of the first questions I was going to ask is whether any of you are

married and whether your wives know about your transvesticism.

And then I'll go on to cross -dressing and sex changes.

All right, Celestina?

Jane?

Excuse me.

Women's trouble.

Have the same idea, eh?

Don't blame you.

Was it the prices or did your wife turn up?

Now, I'll tell you what.

If you want to live, that's my wheels over there.

No -bellied, perverted, pointed scumbag of a moron have you turned into, John.

You're terminally unfit to be a husband.

And I'm a dirty, rotten, germaniac, a monster.

I can change. I will change.

I need to bloody recycle myself and come back as a human being.

Right.

I can change.

I will change.

I can.

I whip up the mother

of all romantic dinner.

Susan comes home.

I ravish her to the brink of ecstasy.

So do you.

We have a night of hot, wetty filth.

And in the morning, I'll whip it off to Paris for the weekend.

Well, not strictly speaking Paris.

Aberdeen, they've got to go there to repair a computer. But not to worry.

We'll find some romantic little mountain shack with room service and en suite

jacuzzi and bugger the cot.

Six local DPs have been charged with supplying prescriptions of Valium and

Diazepam. And on a sad note, the Hermitage Music Society's production of

Oklahoma has been cancelled because the roof of the church hall where it was due

to be performed collapsed three days ago.

The Hexley Bridge cricket team disappointed their fans all 18... Dear,

It won't be too late. It's been a lot of work, hasn't it?

Three days.

Three days?

But Susan said she was at a rehearsal the other night.

No, no.

Come on, John.

The older, the better for us.

It means she'll be able to come to Aberdeen.

Hi. I'm home.

Mmm.

Something smells good.

Not a whisk.

Are you ready to come and play with Harry, only?

Oh, I'd love to. Where is he?

Joke. Actually, I'm incapable of playing with anything until I've had a huge gin

and tonic. Do you mind?

Allow me, Kim.

Oh, this is wonderful.

I wonder what's for dinner. Warm liquor salad?

Here's to us.

Be okay.

Nothing. I don't think you deserve a treat for putting up with a lily like

But first, I've got to go and have a wee look at my soup.

So, Princess, have you got anything lined up tomorrow or the day after?

Nothing I can think of.

Good. Because you know I've got this trip to Aberdeen coming up.

So I thought, why don't we just take off for a couple of days?

How do you fancy our hunting lodge on the banks of... Oh, Johnny, I can't.

got my Oklahoma rehearsal tomorrow night.

Well, can I just skip it?

I'm playing one of the leads. They're depending on me.

Sorry.

Next time, maybe.

Tell you what, why don't you go and slip into something more comfortable?

And I don't mean a tracksuit.

Well, I go and deal with the crouton.

Okay.

Maybe one day we'll come up with something that is comfortable to turn

You can change.

You will change.

Breathe deeply.

Keep calm.

It's not what it seems.

There will be a perfectly rational explanation.

No will there.

Or am I going mad?

Keep calm.

Remember... You're Harry Happily Married. You certainly are.

Look, forget the lobster bisque.

Check out dessert.

Enjoy Aberdeen.

And watch out for all those Bonnie Aberdeen lattes.

Where the hell is John Pettigrew? He should have been here hours ago.

Again, Betty, I'm going to have to fix that computer myself.

Hello.

Alright,

come out with your hands up.

I can see you.

Good Lord, John.

Are those a bloody prowler?

What the hell are you doing?

All right.

Look, Clive, it's my wife's birthday, and I'm planning an ambush.

Yes. No, no, no. The thing is, I bought her a diamond ring, and I was going to

surprise her, you know, like the milk tree man.

Yeah, was it all because the lady loves... Yeah, yeah, quite. The thing

gone and dropped the damn thing, so here I am kind of looking all around for it.

Look, don't worry. Hang on a tickle. I'll give you a hand. Hold on.

Right.

I'll give them 15 minutes.

Then I'm going in.

Quiet, everyone.

We're looking for a diamond ring.

How big is the diamond?

What's the reward?

Shh.

Now, we must be as quiet as we can.

It's a secret present for John's wife.

We have to curl up as small as...

funny rabbits and not be seen, all right?

Okay. First one to find the diamond gets a lollipop. How big is the lollipop?

Just buzz off and find that bloody thing.

And be quiet. Don't forget, this is a secret.

Come on, pull your finger out.

Don't worry, John, if it's there, we'll find it. Look, Clive, it doesn't matter

about the ring.

You know, it's small, it's tiny, it really doesn't matter. It's rattled,

crap, you know, we don't... It doesn't matter, it's tiny, nobody... It doesn't

matter, you know, it really... How do you find the ring?

I found it! I found it!

We found a ring, John. It doesn't appear to be a diamond.

In fact, it looks like something out of a cracker to me.

No, I said if you found a diamond ring, you'd get a lollipop. I want my

lollipop! I want my lollipop!

That's all right. They're here now, Sergeant.

It was a lot smaller than I expected.

There's a letter in the post box And I know just who it's from But I don't need

to open it to know Someone out there wishes somehow I

was dead and gone You know I ain't never gonna go

I'll be shackled to your shadow I'll be standing in your shoes

I'll be sitting in

and telling you the news.

So tell me...