All language subtitles for the_comic_strip_s05e06_jealousy

I don't bloody well believe it.

Hello, darling.

You know, I just thought I'd better give
that Gertrude a clean before I go off

to Aberdeen. You should see the amount
of leaves that there are. In the

balaclava?

Goodbye, John.

Susan, wait, please. It's not what it
seems.

It's exactly what it seems. You've been
spying on me again, only this time I

think you've gone a bit too far.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

So who are the stockings for, eh?

Eh? Oh, I'm supposed to be in Aberdeen
and you're out gallivanting in silk

stockings. For the five years that we
have been married, I have been wearing

stockings.

Most men would be delighted to have a
wife who wore only stockings. Most men?

Most men? What do you mean, most men?
What men?

I'm not going to stand here and discuss
your insane jealousy any longer.

to Aberdeen, maybe you would take Honey
Bun for a walk.

They'd always have worn trousers.

You're pathetic.

You're ruining your marriage, aren't
you? And why?

For nothing.

For nothing.

She loves you. You love her.

What's the problem?

You're the problem. And you, friend, are
the solution.

You can change. You will change.

Say after me.

I can change.

I will change.

I can change.

I will change.

I can change.

I will change.

I can... Well?

Did you see the psychiatrist?

No, darling, but you can wave goodbye to
jealous Johnny.

I'm 100 % cured, and the joy of it is I
did it myself.

Not entirely yourself.

Anyway, who cares? I mean, as long as
you've got it under control.

I was beginning to think it was old
basket weaving for you.

Pals?

Pals.

Kit?

Singapore Sandwich? No, John.

Oh, come on, Susie. Come and play with
Harry, won't you? I can't. I've got to

go. Oh, don't be petty businesslike.

No, I can't. I've got to be after
aerobics in ten minutes.

I've got a five o 'clock deadline on my
article, and if the editor likes it, I

might get a regular column.

God, you're a temptress.

I just don't want to blow it, John.

Does it work?

Play your cards right, raise your
armpits and be back at six o 'clock.

Foiled again, Harry.

Why bother with the lipstick if you're
going swimming?

I mean, won't it come off in the water?

Well, not unless that huge lifeguard
decides to give me the kiss of life

Joke.

It's the full glam for aqua aerobics. I
mean, it's Joan Collins or it's the end

of your pool cred.

Now, get out of here going.

Harry Horny will be waiting.

My wife loves me.

And I love her.

I can change.

I will change.

have changed okay ladies we're gonna be
punching a lot of pools today okay and

shifting a great deal of water so
concentrate and enjoy yourselves now

your arms up into opening position tuck
those elbows in and here we go now okay

hit it

And remember to keep your puppy in my
safe file if I... Out of the rain. Not

like Mrs. B.

Hattleston from Cedal Hume, who got it
soaked last week.

And it ended up like this.

Now, over to our sewing bee, where
Marjorie and Elspeth have been working

very glamorous evening jacket.

Actually, we're calling it a matinee
jacket because it's just as useful for

cocktail parties as it is for tea
dances.

Tea dances?

Oh, come on, Marjorie.

to tea dances these days. The cloakroom
is like you and me, Elsa.

Speak for yourself.

Actually, it's quite easy to make, apart
from the little secret pocket here.

And that's sewn carefully into the left
-hand side of the body. And it's a

perfect place for secreting all those
abandoned earrings.

Yeah, oh, those naughty cigarettes.

You can put your bus pass in there.
Well, some of us have got a few years'

in here.

I'll put my cloakroom ticket in there.

Other secret note from your lover.

A toy boy in your case, is it? Oh, must
be talking.

Anyway, here's what I received earlier.

Oh, come on, I'd recognise your
handwriting anyway.

Oh, you spoil it all, you do.

But many a good marriage has been
brought down by that careless love note

in the secret pocket. Now, come on,
Elsbeth, Elsbeth, governments have been

brought down by love.

One night at the Barracuda.

Claritin Street.

Teddy. 8 .30, the 19th.

It's tonight.

Claritin.

Claritin Street, 16th of June.

Where's Susan? Where's she at?

So, Mrs. Pettigrew, perhaps you care to
tell the court exactly what you were

doing the night of June the 16th?

I was at my Oklahoma rehearsal, of
course.

Your Oklahoma rehearsal?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

Oh, what a beautiful day.

I've got a marvelous feeling.

Lost for words, Mrs. Pettigrew. You do
surprise me.

And I thought the lead would be heartily
sick of the words by now. Let me try

you again.

When I take you out in the Surrey.

When I take you out in the Surrey. When
I take you out in the Surrey with

the... Comfortable seat.

No, Mrs. Pettitrove!

It's not the comfortable seat. It's the
fringe very much on the top. I don't

care.

Look, I'm going to be a bit late
tonight. Something really juicy's come

Interesting. Well, it's my big chance
for a really big scoop.

It's a one -off, and I think I'd be
crazy to miss it.

I'll be back about ten or eleven.

There's loads of stuff in the freezer.

You don't mind, do you?

Well, actually... I've got to dash now,
but I'll tell you about it later.

Bye, darling.

OK, darling. Bye -bye.

So something juicy's come up.

Called Teddy, perhaps?

Hey, girls.

You carry on drinking that stuff and you
blow up like a balloon, right?

So let's see if the balloons float,
okay?

Two Indiana Jones.

Ah.

A bit obvious, maybe.

Does your husband carry a gun?

Are pit bull terriers an endangered
species?

Ah,

the crazy type.

Well, he follows me around, but don't
worry.

His bad breath hits you five minutes
before he and his beaten -up Burberry

arrive.

Who's worried?

My Aston will slay his Burberry.

we lose the bubbler.

Right. Right. Think rationally here.

One, I disguise myself and I travel
incognito to the Barracuda Club.

Two,

observe my wife and her lover.

Three,

I follow them and I catch them in
flagrante delicto.

Four,

Yeah.

No.

Oh

God.

Can't go through with this.

Of course you can.

Come on, John.

Be a man.

Watch you in the morning and I'm
watching you at night.

I know what's going on.

I won't do anything.

It's Barracuda Rapier. We only do
cocktails.

Well, what have you got then?

We have a stingray, four measures of
vodka, ice.

We have a shark shake, four measures of
Malibu and just a dash of condensed

milk. We have a Portuguese man of war,
which is half a pint of sherry with some

pernod croutons, and we have the
speciality, the barracuda, a tidal wave

whiskey lovingly caressed with a dash of
Tabasco sauce with an egg on top.

Well... Oh, give me one of those whiskey
-shaped things.

Teddy.

A woman.

Jesus Christ.

A threesome.

Mind if I join you? Go on.

I love the way you've done your eyes.
It's very subtle.

Do you mind if I ask you what you use?

Use it?

Just whatever's lying around.

It's not Christian Dior's demi
-mondaine, is it?

Oh, I'd die for his new range, but we're
talking...

Second mortgages.

You're lucky.

You've got blue eyes.

You can get away with brighter colours.

I once tried Estee Lauder's burnt
orange.

I ended up looking like a woolly
lampshade.

Oh, this girl's buffered!

No, but seriously, though, I have to
stick to muted colours to look my best.

Although, I'm rather tempted by these
coloured contacts.

What do you think?

Do you think I'd suit emerald green
eyes?

Nanty or boner? What do you think?

O .T .D. perhaps? Sorry.

Sorry.

I've got a bit of a headache.

Turn off.

I get a half price because it took you
so long.

Piss off.

Oh, I see. Just the apology.

Hi, Celestina.

This is Susan, and you know Leslie, of
course.

And I'm sorry, I don't know your
company.

I think it might be Miss Grumpy.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Jane.

Can we join you?

If you must.

Susan's doing a piece for a magazine on
clandestine lifestyle.

It'll be a sympathetic piece, eh, Susie?
Yeah, definitely.

If I use this, I hope you don't mind, it
just saves misquoting. I won't be using

any real names, obviously.

I mean, one of the first questions I was
going to ask is whether any of you are

married and whether your wives know
about your transvesticism.

And then I'll go on to cross -dressing
and sex changes.

All right, Celestina?

Jane?

Excuse me.

Women's trouble.

Have the same idea, eh?

Don't blame you.

Was it the prices or did your wife turn
up?

Now, I'll tell you what.

If you want to live, that's my wheels
over there.

No -bellied, perverted, pointed scumbag
of a moron have you turned into, John.

You're terminally unfit to be a husband.

And I'm a dirty, rotten, germaniac, a
monster.

I can change. I will change.

I need to bloody recycle myself and come
back as a human being.

Right.

I can change.

I will change.

I can.

I whip up the mother

of all romantic dinner.

Susan comes home.

I ravish her to the brink of ecstasy.

So do you.

We have a night of hot, wetty filth.

And in the morning, I'll whip it off to
Paris for the weekend.

Well, not strictly speaking Paris.

Aberdeen, they've got to go there to
repair a computer. But not to worry.

We'll find some romantic little mountain
shack with room service and en suite

jacuzzi and bugger the cot.

Six local DPs have been charged with
supplying prescriptions of Valium and

Diazepam. And on a sad note, the
Hermitage Music Society's production of

Oklahoma has been cancelled because the
roof of the church hall where it was due

to be performed collapsed three days
ago.

The Hexley Bridge cricket team
disappointed their fans all 18... Dear,

It won't be too late. It's been a lot of
work, hasn't it?

Three days.

Three days?

But Susan said she was at a rehearsal
the other night.

No, no.

Come on, John.

The older, the better for us.

It means she'll be able to come to
Aberdeen.

Hi. I'm home.

Mmm.

Something smells good.

Not a whisk.

Are you ready to come and play with
Harry, only?

Oh, I'd love to. Where is he?

Joke. Actually, I'm incapable of playing
with anything until I've had a huge gin

and tonic. Do you mind?

Allow me, Kim.

Oh, this is wonderful.

I wonder what's for dinner. Warm liquor
salad?

Here's to us.

Be okay.

Nothing. I don't think you deserve a
treat for putting up with a lily like

But first, I've got to go and have a wee
look at my soup.

So, Princess, have you got anything
lined up tomorrow or the day after?

Nothing I can think of.

Good. Because you know I've got this
trip to Aberdeen coming up.

So I thought, why don't we just take off
for a couple of days?

How do you fancy our hunting lodge on
the banks of... Oh, Johnny, I can't.

got my Oklahoma rehearsal tomorrow
night.

Well, can I just skip it?

I'm playing one of the leads. They're
depending on me.

Sorry.

Next time, maybe.

Tell you what, why don't you go and slip
into something more comfortable?

And I don't mean a tracksuit.

Well, I go and deal with the crouton.

Okay.

Maybe one day we'll come up with
something that is comfortable to turn

You can change.

You will change.

Breathe deeply.

Keep calm.

It's not what it seems.

There will be a perfectly rational
explanation.

No will there.

Or am I going mad?

Keep calm.

Remember... You're Harry Happily
Married. You certainly are.

Look, forget the lobster bisque.

Check out dessert.

Enjoy Aberdeen.

And watch out for all those Bonnie
Aberdeen lattes.

Where the hell is John Pettigrew? He
should have been here hours ago.

Again, Betty, I'm going to have to fix
that computer myself.

Hello.

Alright,

come out with your hands up.

I can see you.

Good Lord, John.

Are those a bloody prowler?

What the hell are you doing?

All right.

Look, Clive, it's my wife's birthday,
and I'm planning an ambush.

Yes. No, no, no. The thing is, I bought
her a diamond ring, and I was going to

surprise her, you know, like the milk
tree man.

Yeah, was it all because the lady
loves... Yeah, yeah, quite. The thing

gone and dropped the damn thing, so here
I am kind of looking all around for it.

Look, don't worry. Hang on a tickle.
I'll give you a hand. Hold on.

Right.

I'll give them 15 minutes.

Then I'm going in.

Quiet, everyone.

We're looking for a diamond ring.

How big is the diamond?

What's the reward?

Shh.

Now, we must be as quiet as we can.

It's a secret present for John's wife.

We have to curl up as small as...

funny rabbits and not be seen, all
right?

Okay. First one to find the diamond gets
a lollipop. How big is the lollipop?

Just buzz off and find that bloody
thing.

And be quiet. Don't forget, this is a
secret.

Come on, pull your finger out.

Don't worry, John, if it's there, we'll
find it. Look, Clive, it doesn't matter

about the ring.

You know, it's small, it's tiny, it
really doesn't matter. It's rattled,

crap, you know, we don't... It doesn't
matter, it's tiny, nobody... It doesn't

matter, you know, it really... How do
you find the ring?

I found it! I found it!

We found a ring, John. It doesn't appear
to be a diamond.

In fact, it looks like something out of
a cracker to me.

No, I said if you found a diamond ring,
you'd get a lollipop. I want my

lollipop! I want my lollipop!

That's all right. They're here now,
Sergeant.

It was a lot smaller than I expected.

There's a letter in the post box And I
know just who it's from But I don't need

to open it to know Someone out there
wishes somehow I

was dead and gone You know I ain't never
gonna go

I'll be shackled to your shadow I'll be
standing in your shoes

I'll be sitting in

and telling you the news.

So tell me...