Original subtitles

Oh, it was just one.

No, this one's having a trip out. What's wrong with your teeth then? They're

perfect.

Just going in for a polish.

You make sure you don't bang your head on the van roof when we cross that rough

moorland road and knock those beautiful white teeth out of that jiggy black

head.

Yeah, those roads can be pretty bumpy, can't they Frank?

What does he want now?

He wants his lunch.

Pointless giving him food. He never eats it.

Don't say that he doesn't eat anything. You'll be done with him weeks.

Weeks? I just wish he wouldn't drag on like this.

If he was a dog, we would have put him down months ago.

Come on.

Well, Fiona, now that I'm here, I can chant to him. Maybe he'll get better.

Better? You're so stupid.

He's not getting any better.

He's 82.

What nerves are you to get better for?

You're just confusing...

He's got the trouble.

And now he's got a favourite just like everybody else.

Hello.

We're the Wilsons.

Oh, you bloody sheep of God's sake. You bloody idiots.

We've just walked high at all.

We thought we'd just pop by and say hello. Hello.

Shut up, Mazda.

We're just taking a walk down to the river.

Can we cut through the field here? No, you can't. We have to go the long way

round just like everybody else. Come on.

Suey, I think we've come in the wrong time. Yes.

Look forward to seeing you again.

Well done, Fiona.

Doesn't pay to get too friendly with your only neighbour, does it?

You're not taking drugs again, are you?

What are you ranting about now?

You should hear yourself sometimes.

The nonsense you talk when you smoke that stuff.

I'm going to take you one night and play it back to you in the morning and

you'll be embarrassed at how bloody stupid you sound.

Really, Fiona?

Do you have to do that?

Pointless eating meat unless it's fresh.

Fiona, I'm hungry!

I'm just plugging it, so shut up!

What are you going to do, Fiona?

I mean, you can't manage this place on your own. You'll go mad.

Well, you are mad already.

I think I'll get married.

Now, men.

We are involved in a dangerous manhunt.

Now, I don't need to emphasize how much we need to catch these men.

But for the man who does, there will be a reward.

I will personally present to him.

A videotape of the cartoon film The Little Mermaid.

There's a maze down there! Go!

Sweep the maze!

No, hurry up!

We know that they are just within this circle here.

All the exits are covered.

They cannot escape.

Shopping, no.

Music, no.

Um, how would you describe me? Am I A, shy?

B, reserved?

C, outgoing?

D, vivacious?

How about smelly?

No, it has to be one of these four.

Five, your figure.

Yes, but yes.

Waist, no.

Leg, too.

Hair, yes.

What are you doing?

Computer dating.

Cuts that all apart.

Twenty -five quid, and they get you a husband.

Now, just... Describe your ideal partner.

Um, 1860, big hands, clean driving

license.

Describe yourself.

Um, hill farmer, good with horses, virgin, I

think.

You're not making yourself sound very interesting.

Well, that doesn't matter. I'm sending them your photo anyway.

Well, that nudie one of you in Greece.

I'm off to bag a trout.

Bye.

Say that once more, guy.

Say it once more. Come on. Shut up. Will you shut up? Will you shut up? Shut up.

Hello.

I am Fiona Farrington -Cock.

Oh,

just my sister Susie. She's quite attractive in an over -ripe sort of way.

string of unsuitable men. Or villains. You probably know some of them.

Oh.

You caught something, then?

This is Gary.

He's on the run. I said he could not see it for a few days.

Hello, Gary.

Hi.

There's another one outside.

A bit shy, quite attractive in a slightly sort of way.

Just your type, in fact.

Ooh, you have been busy, haven't you? I'm just going to get some of Father's

clothes.

Here you go.

So what do you reckon?

So be that, will you?

I'll be back in a tick.

Put one of you bitches out for me.

Hello!

Oh, you look pretty good in those suits.

Here's to the great escape.

And how did you get out?

Did you dig a tunnel?

No, we got out of a van.

How exciting.

When I was in Bangkok, I had to go to jail for three days because my boyfriend

at the time stuffed this huge... All my jeans were dirty.

It was all I could find.

Fiona, I've never seen you so... What's that, Susie?

Nothing.

Do sit down, everybody.

Gary, you're here.

Right. Dinner's up.

Apparently it's really good for you to drink your own urine.

Yeah. It's got lots of vitamins in it. Let's get started.

You know, to pee in the bath and then feel it everywhere.

Apparently, the Tibetan monk writing is amazing. More like a guru, really. He

used to say incredible things like, every letter in the alphabet is deemed.

Then...

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm thinking of turning in.

It seems pointless to you chaps sleeping in the barn when we've got beds

upstairs.

We're asleep in those beds, aren't we? Unless they slept with Daddy. Well,

we can share.

I mean, all they can share.

Or... Or what? Or what, Fiona?

No, no.

Oh, nothing.

It's all right. We don't want to put you out. We'll put you in the barn. We'll

put you in the barn, Gary.

You're coming in a bit strong now. You're like a bull in a china shop. Give

a chance.

I don't see the point in putty -putting around.

I'm sure Mick knows I fancy him.

That's why I mentioned the beds.

Yes, I think we all got the message.

Look, they've just got out of prison.

Why don't you relax and let things take their natural course?

How long's that going to take?

I've got to be up at six.

Act cool.

Just do as I do.

All right, but don't take too long about it.

Well,

that was a great meal, Fiona.

God, I'm tired.

I think I'll go to bed.

Gary, you know where the bathroom is, don't you? No.

Well, come along with me and I'll show you.

Hi to everybody.

Tell me, Gary, do you like modern art?

Oh, well, I'm thinking of turning in.

You don't want a bath, do you?

No, no, I've got to the barn and get some tip. Thanks for looking after it.

It's been a lovely evening. I'm sure you'd be much better off upstairs.

I'd rather sleep in the bar unless it's all the same to you.

Yes,

of course.

Whatever you prefer.

Well, that's right.

Good night.

I've just wet the bed.

Anybody interested down there? Quiet, father.

Your sister's here in this house with you. Ah, my sister, my father and the

dogs. Did you come here in a helicopter?

What the hell's all that noise?

I've got some highly strong animals in here.

Excuse me, madam, but your neighbour, Mrs Wilson, well, apparently she saw a

in his underpants in your farmyard last night.

Oh, that's against the law, is it?

Stribbing down to your underpants in your own farmyard?

Oh, you're safe!

Thank God!

I'm set up all night worrying whether to go to the police or not, in case you

hear such terrible things, don't you? You've got the nerve to call the police

out here, just because Ken and I like stripping down to our underpants in the

privacy of our own farmyard.

I didn't realise he was a friend of yours.

There you go making assumptions again. He's not a friend. He does odd jobs for

us. And his underpants?

Well, yes, it's necessary.

Emily's not doing farm work.

We use them for other things.

Lucky old Ken.

The barns have been searched and I can't find anything, sir.

Well, that's all right. It's been sorted.

Apparently, there's a man called Kenny who does odd jobs in his underpants.

All right, you lot, back up the road.

OK.

Thanks, Fiona.

Don't mention it.

Would you like me to give you a hand with those?

All right, if you think you can keep up.

It's hard work, you know.

Perhaps I should strip down to my underpants.

You're going too fast, you old guy!

Good! Into the big field now!

You don't have to help me.

I'm used to doing all the work.

No, I'm fine.

Thank you.

My wedgie.

I don't believe you.

What on earth's going on? They've taken my passport, my money, my

jewellery, my dope.

Who has? Who do you think?

Who? Perhaps you mislaid it. No.

No, the cheap's gone too.

But Mick wouldn't do a thing like that.

Oh, Fiona, stop being so naive.

Bastards!

Well, there's got to be an explanation.

They're criminals.

Is that enough?

But Mick wouldn't do a thing like that. It's got to be Gary.

Oh, grow up.

You don't know what's happened between us.

Mick and I are having an affair.

And he's asked me to marry him.

Oh, yes.

Funny, isn't it?

I don't want to go back. I'm too pretty for prison.

Farrington Cock was a much -valued member of the community, a lifelong

Christian, a devoted father to Fiona and to Susan.

He will be sorely missed by friends and family alike.

Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, we commit the body in the sure and certain

knowledge that he will soon be reunited with his very beautiful wife... Chin up.

Now, if that package arrives from India, you know where to send it, don't you?

Well, Fiona...

Are you sure you're going to be all right in that lonely, deserted farmhouse

your own? Well, if you... All right, bye.

Look after yourself.

Well?

Better get the cows in, then.

I've got some news for you, Mrs Farringdon -Cock.

Myth.

Sorry, myth.

I hope you're prepared for this.

It would seem that you're two months pregnant.

Happy news, I trust?

In the meantime, I'd better put you down for some of our antenatal classes.

You're going to need a few tests done.

Blood, urine, amniocentesis, probably.

I haven't got time for all that.

Far too busy.

I've got 60 acres to look after, you know.

I'll handle this, Helen. You keep your finger on the panic button.

They're coming every 30 seconds!

There comes another!

Oh, it's that married woman from the farm. I think she's drunk.

Don't you see, Rupert? She's having a baby.

Oh, this is all...

I'm going to make a big fool mess in your car.

Wait, all right. Just relax.

Are you all right?

Get off me.

Please get off me. That's all right.

Push. Push.

Oh,

shut up, master.

Please, please, can you let go of me, would you?

I can't drive with you.

Oh, sorry.