Original subtitles

Named Discovery, this probe will pass by Jupiter and Saturn before heading off

into space.

It's now 20 years since NASA launched their space probe Discovery.

Scientists at NASA confirmed today that they seem to have lost all contact with

the deep space probe.

As the last man alive on this planet, and heading swiftly toward my 500th year

as Bill Ruler, I fear that I am neither young nor feral enough for the task that

lies ahead.

Praise be to Zekko!

Praise be to Zekko!

Oh, mighty Lauren, we are fast approaching our 200 -year breeding

when we will be producing over 100 babies a week each.

Yes, and this cycle lasts but one month.

What are we to do?

Charon is right, Zoran.

If we miss this cycle, it'll be too late. Our planet will die.

Yes, and it is for this reason that I've summoned you, my elite space rats, the

Division.

We have but one option.

To mount an expedition to another planet to find suitable men to father our

race. Sorry, what planet?

What men, oh mighty one?

Charon is right again, Zoran.

We have no proof that there's any life out there, never mind something, well,

suitable. Silence!

You're space rats.

You will do what has to be done.

Hail, John!

But one half of an hour ago, this primitive spacecraft landed on the

highlands. It was found by slug harvesters. It came from a planet called

Inside, we found this disc.

His engraving once died.

I shall pass it amongst you.

In the engraving, there are two creatures.

If you examine it closely, you will notice that the creature on the left has

genitals quite like mine.

When do we leave, Goran?

You leave tonight.

I remember.

Our planet's future depends on you bringing back offspring that are strong,

highly intelligent, and attractive.

Go for the following types of men.

Athletes or sporting stars for their strength and stamina.

Scientists and professors for their cold pursuit of knowledge.

Highly successful authors for their insight and imagination.

And finally, rock stars, film stars, and fashion celebrities.

for their personalities and glamour. But remember, you have no time for anything

other than breeding with these alien creatures. I repeat, no time for

other than meeting your quarter.

Good luck.

The planet is depending on you.

Goodbye.

Farewell, mighty Zoran.

What, say we go back to my hotel, swap pajamas and... James, we've only just

met. Haven't you heard of just talking and getting better acquainted?

You hardly know me.

I don't think there's much to know, is there, except you work for Spectre. I

work at Tesco, James. I already told you. I'm not a Russian spy and I don't

sleep around.

Nice try, pussy.

In the meantime, why don't you take a top off?

That's enough.

Take me back to London, James.

Now.

a picnic.

How about a quick shower?

Just the two of us. You know, you really should see an analyst, James Blonde.

Because you're behaving like a jerk.

Your attitude to women, your conversation, your suit.

And as for this dick compensator you drive, you're nothing but a joke, James

Blonde. Good night.

Yes. Good night, boys.

Should have kept it more shut.

Just what the hell do you think you're playing at, Blonde?

Shooting a girl in broad daylight. HM government are not pleased.

What are you going to say for yourself?

She called me a joke, sir. Sipped my car with a dick compensator.

Who did she?

Oh, really?

Have a seat, James.

Thank you, sir.

See, the world's changed, James.

Apparently we all have to live together on this planet now. No room for a rogue

male in this new caring, sharing world of ours.

A modern secret agent is sensitive.

He doesn't drink.

Doesn't smoke, and he certainly doesn't treat women the way you do, James.

All part of Spectre's plan, sir.

Oh, that's my flag.

No, I'm sorry, James. It just won't work. You leave me no alternative.

The PM's requested you be sent to our deep rehabilitation centre at Lindhurst.

special hypnotherapy brainwash in grade one.

Your coach leaves at 5 .30.

A coach, sir?

Mm -hmm. Big thing. Four wheels.

You are clear to land on runway 09.

Thank you, London. We're dropping to 8 ,000 feet, speed 395.

Oh, my God, what's that?

John, quick!

Something come up on the screen.

We haven't got any military traffic in the zone, have we?

That's faster than any jet I know.

Flight 217, swing it right.

What's that, Peter?

Look out of the window!

That's crashed.

107.

That's just near where I live.

Sorry, Peter.

Can you repeat that last message?

Go straight through.

That's impossible.

Disappeared.

Right here.

Over Wales.

Good work looking after the flock.

What are you doing tonight, then, Howell?

I think I'll work out for an hour or two on the dumbbells.

After you, then.

I'm going to cook you a lovely vegetarian dinner.

With a bit of multivitamin powder.

That's lovely.

After that, we'll have your favourite, royal jelly.

I'll be glad when the snow's gone and we can go bodysurfing on the lake.

What the hell is that then?

Good day, gentlemen.

My name is Miss Schauerheim. I'm your course instructor.

We shall begin by eradicating your sexism.

Tanya?

She is not a sex object.

She is a person.

A person with dreams and ambitions.

She is your equal.

She has needs, just like you.

I know what she needs.

Professor, you work too hard, you do.

And my eyesight.

Get a grip, get a grip. Good night, Professor.

Yes, good night. Mind you, don't go mad with all those theories of yours.

Mad? Me?

Mad?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I've got it, Maggie. If I could just tilt the Earth. Oh, just 0 .0378 of a

-degree. That would do it. That would do it. We'd save the resources of this

planet. Yes, a little drop of this permanganate, permanganate.

Where's Hugh, Maggie?

I think I've got it now.

What do you want?

Get away from me now.

Listen, I told you girls... Reach

out and grip that bottle.

Say to yourself, alcohol makes me talk too loud.

Alcohol makes me talk too loud.

Alcohol makes me think I'm sexy, but makes me fat.

Alcohol makes me think I'm sexy, but makes me fat.

Good.

That will be all for today.

I'm very pleased with your progress.

All coming along well.

Class dismissed.

Miss Straheim.

I was wondering if you could...

Help me with some homework.

I don't understand.

What sort of homework?

Listen, Puss, why don't we take this back to my room?

And while you slip your top off, I'll make sure I can't tell what... And

finally, the moment you've all been waiting for.

This year's Booker Prize goes to the most clever author of the year, Martin

Aimless.

Being a writer is a very lonely occupation.

You have to have both insight and imagination.

The situation is desperate, gentlemen.

Within the last few days, the top brains in this country, plus several figures

from the world of sport and show business, have been snatched from their

of work by some agents that appear to be inhuman.

Sounds like Miss Stroheim.

Don't be flippant, Blanc. What do you mean by inhuman?

Inhuman, Prime Minister, because these creatures, whoever they are, have

spirited their victims away, bypassing some of the most sensitive security

equipment we have.

The only possible explanation is that they were taken by some extraterrestrial

force. Four days ago, gentlemen, this landed on a hillside in Wales.

It's made of some kind of galactic space metal we know nothing about.

What we do know is that three young shepherds were dragged off and haven't

seen since.

Well, I'll call you from Jamaica, then.

Not this time, Bond.

Take the next train to Swansea. Report a case there.

What's that? A book of prizes? You won that, sir? Why should I get an award

somebody else just because I'm more talented than that?

Yeah, man. Oh, I've read a book once. Yeah, I've read a book once. It's green.

It's a green book, sir.

Well, maybe it was a bat.

Hold on, sir.

Yeah, what's the matter with the motor?

What is it?

Well, I can't seem to turn the steering wheel, sir. And I can't stop the bloody

thing, sir.

Sounds like the opening of one of my novels.

This is crazy, sir. This is mental. It's speeding up.

Some kind of gas, sir.

I think it's... I think it's... I think it's...

We've spent some time

on this one, Blonde.

If I may say so, the department's really excelled itself.

We've prepared a range of devices which might come in useful.

Now, this may look like an ordinary G -string and suspender, but if you look

carefully, you'll see we've inserted a radio transmitter.

Exploding dildo.

With rocket attachment.

Can be launched from a hotel bedroom or a multi -story car park.

Now, inflatable doll.

Unzip this and it turns into a four -wheel drive estate car.

Naturally. Now, pay attention. We're particularly pleased with this one. It's

exploding jigsaw.

How does it work?

Very simple.

Hand your board cap to this erotic game.

He puts the pieces together. When he puts in the final piece, it explodes in

face.

What's this?

It's an egg.

Try not to break it, Blom.

He's next.

Give him a plate of oysters and oil him up immediately.

What

are

they, art students?

They're like, no girls I've ever seen before.

He's next.

Good luck.

I don't need love.

I'm not one of them.

They only joined the first few times.

Right. This is the plan, Commander.

We've just learned that the Nobel Prize winner, Professor Macon, is landing at

Heathrow at 10 .30 this morning.

It's our belief that these aliens will try and snatch him soon after he

However, we've taken care of the real Professor Macon.

You will take his place.

Good luck, and keep it brief.

Ah, you must be... Macon. Professor Macon. E equals mc squared.

Ah, so.

You come this way, please.

Car waiting.

How delightful.

Where are we going to, Miss... Funny, funny.

But you can call me funny.

Well, if you make me laugh, I will.

First we go to hotel to relax, and then you give big lecture for top rank.

Tell me, funny, do all the academy shoppers carry guns?

Oh, uh, no.

Only for a very special guest like you, sir.

Here we are, Professor.

I come back in ten minutes. You have big shower, then we go for big lecture.

What's the big hurry, Fanny?

It's an old saying in Liverpool.

You'll never wash alone.

We have a saying in Japan.

Wet water make tiger down.

Yes, well, we have another thing in Scotland, which is why don't you skip

parables and get your coat on.

We have a saying in the sexy parable in China.

Well, how very convenient.

Hi, Marcus.

I'm Gaynor.

Oh, hi, Gaynor.

Where do you want me, then?

Please, sit down.

Congratulations on your Booker Prize, by the way. You must be over the moon.

Oh, that, yes. It's another award.

Now, let me explain to you exactly who we are and why we're here.

We are a special troop of women on a mission from a planet called Theta 5.

Now, on Theta 5, we have absolutely no men, Martin.

Probably because of all the smoke.

So we have had to come here to get pregnant.

I see.

Whilst I don't like the term sex slave, there will be an element of compulsion

in your stay.

You will be required to have sex with all of us at 40 -minute intervals during

the next three weeks.

Ready when you are.

Lovely. Well, then, may I introduce you to the lovely Charon, who'll be seeing

you first?

Charon? I'll leave you two alone.

Now.

Needle. Let her in. She's one of us.

Get him off. You know the routine.

Yes, I certainly do.

Martin. Oh, that's the best I've had all day.

What was it like on Earth then?

What, you mean with girls?

Yeah.

Well, they're not as cold and detached about sex as you are. They like to be

courted. They like this thing we call a relationship first.

A relationship?

Mm.

I like the sound of that.

A relationship.

Charon's taking rather a long time, isn't she? So what do you do when you

relationship?

Oh, you know, you go to restaurants, go to clubs, go to pubs. Oh.

Talk, dance.

Oh. Take them shopping, buy them presents, buy them flowers, laugh at

jokes. I mean, really, it's a complicated, boring waste of time.

You're always much better.

No, it isn't.

I want to experience what a relationship on Earth is like, Martin.

OK. Might get a cup of tea, I'm going to watch the cricket.

There's something up with Sharon.

She didn't want me to mate with Martin, you know.

Me neither.

And me.

Hmm.

I'm going to have to have a word with her.

Aren't you sick of wearing silver all the time? Yeah, I am. Yeah, me too.

Oh!

2 ,000 nappies. I think it's a dry run.

That is true.

Well, now, aren't you cold in these skimpy silver outfits?

Shut it, Earthling. Just do your job.

Gold, you girls are strong.

So what do you need all these nappies for?

Eh?

You're not very friendly, are you?

What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? You'll forget why you ever came here,

Earthling.

I can't remember why I came here.

Time to go, Earthling.

Yes, so wise one.

I've been counting your quota, Charon.

Apparently, you have six babies in the author section and only one in the

science section.

Oh, have I?

Um, that's the way it happens. She's lying. She only wants to have babies

the author.

That's very self -centred of you, Cheryl.

Martin is the only modern writer we've got. Now remember what the great Zoran

said. We have to meet our quota.

Bring back a mixed selection of babies or our planet will die.

I don't care!

I hate our planet! I don't want to go back to that cold, smoky, loveless,

freezing planet!

I want to stay here!

What? Yes, yes. I want to live with Martin and nothing he'll get.

Seize her!

Beside him lay the burnt -out shadows.

Though once health and skin lay like... grey blankets over flag hoops of bones.

He groaned with feet fat, empty in his glasses. Put a sock in it, Martin.

Put a sock in it, Martin, he croaked.

I wish I could.

Say the memoirs, Martin.

Back to work.

What are you going to do to me? We're leaving you here just as you wanted.

We want nothing to do with you and your treacherous offspring, Earth lover.

Please, Gaynor. I'm sorry, Sharon.

It's Doran's orders. Anyone who endangers the expedition must be

immediately as an example.

Right, Needle. Get all of the babies onto the spacecraft, because pretty soon

this whole place is going to be vaporized.

Excuse me, Sharon.

Sharon's indisposed.

I'm not like Sharon. I don't give a shit about this planet or having fun.

I'm a cold, heartless, base bitch, and I'm here to get pregnant. Understand?

Fine. Good. Get your pants off.

You take them off.

Get them off before I vaporize your arse.

All right, okay.

Who are you?

No time to explain.

Excuse me.

What are you doing?

It's an erotic jigsaw.

It's the one chance we've got. Now concentrate.

Right. Is that a bedpost or is it a man's woolly?

Oh, no, it's a lake.

Oh, so it is.

Quit stalling, baby.

I'm not. I want to, but I can't.

That's what they all say.

I'm going to count to ten, you pretentious scribe.

And if you're not getting busy, I... Come on, please, please. Come on, up you

come.

Right.

You take that five.

I'll go this way.

Just stick him over in the reject section. We're not taking very...

You're a cute little thing, aren't you?

You've got your mother's nose.

She's got my carotidonic lips.

Here.

I've got something for you to play with.

Hold this with your forefinger around the trigger.

It's a Walter PPK.

Good stopping power for a gun of this size.

Of course, Em was always trying to get me to get rid of it. Well, hello,

Professor.

Or should I say, Mr Blonde.

You seem to know an awful lot about our Earth mission, don't you, Mr. Blonde?

Only to capture the most talented men this country has, force them to have sex

with you, and you're now about to transport their offspring to some

smoky void you call a planet.

Exactly. Do you seriously think you can beat them, change their nappies, and

cuddle them at seven times the speed of light?

You don't need this one.

This one belongs on Earth, here with his daddy.

Hand that baby over now.

Excuse me.

Stand by.

Matthew, the long drive.

There we go.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't cry. Come on now.

Yes, Mommy's here. Here we are.

Oh, don't you start as well.

Look, shut up.

Shut up!

Ribena, shaken, not stirred.

I'm not cut out for motherhood, James, not yet.

Well, I've always wanted to be a dad, and I guess this is my chance.

I'm sure you'll be a wonderful father too.

I'll see you at the christening.

I don't think so James.

Bye James.

Thanks for the treatment, plus it was electrifying.

But not as electrifying as this.