Original subtitles

What on earth are you doing? I'm trying to hitchhike to Oxford, you stupid girl!

How do you sit as hard as poorly with salesmen? You'll be ripped to pieces.

Body wouldn't be fine for weeks.

Look, are you going to give me a lift or not?

Come along then.

Can you educate me?

Can you instruct a girl like me?

nice to hear from you. Yes.

Yes, indeed, Lady Grimshaw. I did receive the bottle of the crate of...

a crate, isn't it? Of champagne. Yes.

I'm glad to say that young... Oh, yes.

Most sweet girls.

A young Fiona has passed with honours.

Yes. Well, yes, Lady Grimshaw.

May I suggest that you marry her off before she actually tries to practice

medicine?

Are there any living jobs at this hotel?

You Dean?

Yeah.

Hi, I'm Hannah von Hosenstraet.

Do sit down, please, Miss Van Hosenstrat.

Now, what can I do for you?

Oh, well, Dean, I'm American, and I've come a long way to be here from New

Orleans. And ever since I was a little girl, I've had this burning desire for

higher education.

Huh? Well, to be more specific, Dean, I happen to believe that

Lord Byron was probably the greatest poet this world's ever seen.

I mean, his use of words, syntax, rhythm, you know, the sheer texture of

imagery, well, I think it's kind of awesome.

Really?

And when I say I'm willing to do anything to get on to his course, I mean

I'm prepared to do, you know.

Well, there is a little bit of an entrance there.

Why don't we discuss it over a drink?

Ten o 'clock.

My place.

Ten o 'clock?

Yeah, but I'm free now.

Hey, sleep!

to do a comedy movie about a zany professor who gets into all kinds of

scrapes here in this beautiful city of Oxford.

If you want to know any more, ladies and gentlemen, I suggest you buy a ticket

when the movie comes out.

I'm a listless.

I'm too fat.

I don't like anybody.

I can't eat. I can't shit.

My gums bleed all the time.

I don't trust anybody.

I'm bored.

Agoraphobic. I don't drink. I don't smoke.

I can't ski.

I'm unhappy.

I hate myself.

I hate this suit.

I hate this restaurant.

And I hate him.

It is you, isn't it? It is you.

Yeah? It is. Look, sign that for us, will you? You've got a pen.

Just put, uh, to Lindy, zoo, zoo, zoo.

Down come the towers on a Monday night.

I got it. I got it. He's doing it. Look, he looks just how he looks on a telly.

He's done it.

I got it. I got it.

Zoo, zoo, zoo, Steve.

You must stop worrying, Steve.

You are the funniest man in the world.

I know there's a lot of other younger, talented comedians coming up behind you,

trying to snatch your crown, but to me, you'll always

be the king of comedy.

Oh, yeah?

So why weren't you watching me on set today?

I was, some of the time. You were gone for 42 minutes and 7 seconds. Where the

hell were you?

Well, I suppose I'll have to tell you.

I'm going to study Byron, Stephen.

That's where I was today, signing up for the course.

It starts tomorrow.

It's only an hour a day.

An hour?

Does that include travel?

No.

Well, you really know how to choose your moments, don't you, Caroline?

Well, let me tell you something.

If I'm not funny in this movie tomorrow, it's going to be because of your

obsessive, stupid, self -centered, selfish, obstinate, juvenile, stuck -up

attitude that's going to destroy this movie, our relationship, my career, and

probably my life as well.

You've got a choice, Caroline.

It's me or a dead poet who wore tights and couldn't even spell Brian properly.

I want to work.

I want to know what an equation is.

Everything I know, nothing about it.

I want to strive.

Lord George Gordon Byron.

A whore.

I see I have somewhat shaken some of you with that statement.

Now, how can I support this apparently frivolous suggestion?

I referred, of course, to the entry in his diary dated 6th of September, 1814,

and I quote, drank laudanum with Mrs. Wood, I'd suck her nipples if I could.

And so you see, his frivolity in this case was simply a

way of unveiling the truth.

Now tomorrow we'll cover the syphilis epidemic of 1820. Thank you.

Excuse me.

I was just wondering, do you feel that Byron could ever have formed a loving

relationship with a woman? Or do you feel like so many successful men that he

used women as a sort of, well, a sort of crutch? I think the only crutch Byron

was interested in was his own.

Thank you. I just want to say I'm looking forward to the next lecture very

That's very gratifying.

I do have a tutorial going spare tomorrow at four.

It's very difficult, you see. I thought we might have a swipe at the dream.

Yes, I'd like that. Thank you.

Professor Breeze?

Yes.

I'm Hannah Van Holzenstreet. Yes, I know who you are.

I want to know why you failed my entrance exam.

Because I did not think you were a suitable student for this college.

Well, that's not true.

I mean, I'm a lot smarter than most of the chicks you gave places to.

I'll see you tomorrow, then. Tomorrow at four.

I'm sorry, Miss Van Hosenstrat. The decision has been made. Bullshit.

Dean himself gave me a place on this course. What the dean gave you is not my

concern. This poetry course is full.

Where is he?

Dean's out on business.

I don't know where he is.

You two -faced, two -timing, professorial prick!

You academic asshole! You said I was on that course!

It was Breeze. I tried everything.

I even offered him his own parking space.

But the bugger wouldn't bite.

You scholastic scum!

You don't want to sit through all those boring lectures. I could write you up a

first -class degree right now.

What do you want? M .A.?

A B .A.? Lit?

Oxford? You Oxford slur!

I don't want any crummy letters after my name. I want to study. I want to

appreciate. I want to understand.

I want to know what Byron meant when he wrote, the nursery still lisps out and

all they utter, besides they always smell of bread and butter.

So you better think of something fast, Dean, or you're dead!

Nice workout.

Fine.

It says here that men over the age of 40 apparently make marvellous lovers.

Caroline.

Yes, dear?

Now that you've finished with all this poetry stuff, you won't need to do any

more writing, will you?

Oh, no.

So what's this doing in your sponge bag?

What is that?

It's a pencil.

That's my eyeliner pencil, I think.

With an eraser on the end of it?

Well, I don't know who put it there, and I certainly don't have any need for it

whatsoever.

Fine.

Now, I've been thinking about how I can be real funny in this scene tomorrow.

See, the other actor has the funny line.

But if when I came in the room, the door fell off, I'd get the laugh.

Brilliant, Steve.

But on the other hand, if when the door fell off, the wall came down, which set

off a gun in my pocket, which blew my pants off, then I'd be even funnier.

And I'd steal the theme.

Which do you think I should do?

The second, I suppose.

That's what I thought.

Hey, am I in there?

No, but you are in this one. It's a great article. Four -page path and great

photos.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Steve? Mm?

You know, when you were working out... Uh -huh?

Well, the desk rang up, and apparently there's been some queries about our

passports. They want me to go down and sort it out.

I'll come with you.

No!

Um, apparently there's a lot of your fans down there, and they're all

Zoo, zoo, zoo, off come my pants.

Oh, yeah, you're right.

I'll stay here and read this.

Yes.

Between 1950 and 1962, you were recruited by the KGB

to spy and to recruit other agents here in Oxford.

Well, spy, yes, but I didn't recruit.

Well, everybody was doing it, weren't they?

What do you want to know?

We want to know...

Who recruited you?

And who else they recruited?

Well, I don't know. It was dark.

And he spoke with the limp.

Limp. Sir Douglas, it's very simple.

If you cooperate with us, you'll get a pardon.

But if you don't, you'll be tried as a traitor and go to prison for 30 years.

I see.

Thank you.

Hi.

What are you doing in my bed?

Well, I'm just lying here wondering what a good -looking guy like you is doing

all on his own. Get your clothes on and get out of here.

And I wouldn't mind betting that you haven't had a woman in three, five,

ten years.

I want to tell you something, Professor Breeze.

I worked as a waitress in New Orleans for three years so I could come here.

Three years getting my ass pinched so I could do poetry with you.

Now you know what I want.

And if you give me what I want, I'll give you what you want.

Like I know you want it.

You don't have nothing I want.

Why don't you try the science department? They'll shag anything.

Now please get out of here. I have a serious student to see.

Hello, Caroline.

I'm sorry I'm late.

No, no, please, come in.

Hi, honey.

Maybe I'm too early.

This is not what it seems.

The lady is just leaving.

Oh, are you next?

Wow, these poetry professors really know how to give you a hard time, huh?

Pay no attention.

Professor, I can always come back another time. No, no, please, don't go.

See you, Caroline.

So you get to study Byron and I don't, huh?

So I guess if your IQ's as big as your ass, you must be pretty damn smart,

right, honey?

Hi. You may not know me, but, uh... Steve Weil.

Funniest man in the world.

Yeah.

I'm also Caroline's boyfriend.

Really? You do know Caroline?

Yeah, she's my best friend.

Would Lord Byron a man or a month?

Good, very good.

I'm particularly impressed by the way in which you've raised the central

question, which is, of course, does being

a man of genius...

Except one outside of society's everyday Morris.

Well, I... I suppose that living with a, you know, a so -called... Do you stop

saying you know all the time?

Sorry, it's just that, you know, I... Professor!

Mind your crumpets!

So she is having an affair with the professor.

Well, you know, it's not like an affair.

It's more like one of those hot, sexual, intense, stiff,

poetic numbers, you know?

I've got to get her off poetry.

I've got to get her away from this whole sick Oxford thing before she becomes a

hopeless academic.

But how?

Well, you know, as I said, I'm Caroline's best friend, and I only want

for her, you know?

I mean, maybe, you know, there's some way that you could kind of make her

jealous. I don't know, like make her think she's losing you.

You mean like have an affair?

Yeah, I mean, it may sound awful.

I don't know.

I don't know any young, beautiful women here in Oxford who would do that kind of

duplicitous thing just to, I don't know, help me out.

Steve, I'd do anything to help you and Caroline.

You mean you and I pretend to have an affair?

Sure, if it helps her get off poetry.

I'll do it. Are you sure this is going to work?

I don't know.

It's worth a try anyway, isn't it?

How's she going to find out?

What? I said, how's she going to find out? Oh, I don't know.

Let's stick on the pillow.

Panties, that kind of thing.

What?

Those sexy panties?

I'll get you in my room.

I'll go get you.

What, now?

Oh, Professor, I've got to rush. My boyfriend was expecting me back half an

ago. Is he a student?

No, he's a comedian.

His name's Steve Wild. Have you ever heard of him?

Wild? Yes.

His name is familiar.

Well, that's him.

That's the script of a movie he's doing here in Oxford.

You can read it if you like.

Oh, thank you. Yes, yes, I'd like to.

Thanks for a fab tutorial.

See you tomorrow.

Yes, yes, indeed.

Okay, so what else does that comedy creep need to prove to Miss Dumbo that

really is an asshole?

Stocking.

Hi, did you get them?

What? The sexy panties. Did you get them? Oh, yeah.

Great. These are great.

Now, where am I going to put them?

How about there on the phone?

Yeah, that's right.

That's great.

I'll get her to call room service. She's bound to see a man.

Steve, I'm in big trouble.

Dean from the college is lying dead on the floor in my room, and he's been

strangled with one of my stockings.

So they're going to think it was me.

Stockings, great idea.

Steep.

Who is it?

It's me, Caroline.

Sorry I took so long.

That's okay.

I know how long these path board things take.

Screaming, zoo, zoo, zoo, out come my pants.

Yes, they were, yes.

Strange how we're situated right over the lobby and I didn't hear a thing.

Well, at the same time, it's a very good instrument.

Whose are these?

Aren't they yours?

I don't wear these, Stephen.

Oh, well, maybe the cleaning lady came in while I was asleep and used her

panties to wipe the phone.

Have you had a woman in here, Stephen?

All right, maybe I did.

But why?

Well, I got lonely when you went off to do your poetry and all that other stuff

I know you've been doing.

But that's not true.

All right, I lied to you about the poetry, but that's all it was.

An aerodata study isn't asking too much of it.

And now is a long time when you're as lonely and successful as I am. Don't you

forget, I'm Steve Wilde, the funniest man in the world. And I don't have time

for chicks who can't be around when I need them, if I need them, or even if I

don't need them. Get it?

Well, I don't think you're funny at all.

I think you're a cold, humorless, unfunny monster.

Well, zoo, zoo, zoo, here goes your girlfriend.

You can come out now.

It's okay. We're all alone.

Well, that works okay, huh?

I think we both deserve a drink.

Now, where's that soda?

No, I won't have anything.

Hey, come on. Relax. Don't worry. She's not going to come back.

You okay? You look a little shaky.

No, I'm fine, huh?

I think I'll just go to my room.

Don't you want to pick up your clothes?

No, I'll pick them up later.

You know, I really think you should stay for a drink.

Okay.

Sure, I'll have a whiskey.

Fine.

Okay, Scotch or Irish?

Scotch.

No ice.

It's locked.

No, no, no. No more you.

Stephen is coming here to kill me.

Oh, don't be silly. Stephen's just a comedian.

He's also a trained killer.

You read the script?

Yes, of course.

Notice anything funny about it?

No. My point precisely.

Sit down.

No joke.

17. Anything funny?

18.

Nothing funny there either.

Ditto. When 30, 40, there is not one joke in the script.

Now, why would the funniest man in the world come to Oxford to do a movie with

no jokes?

Well, but you're the joke professor.

You're a pretty old one at that.

Steve Weil.

Funniest man in the world at the top KGB assassin.

What?

Does Roscoe really think I betray all the students I recruited and simply hand

the file to MI5? I wouldn't have done that, Steve.

That's why I'm here, to make sure you don't.

I don't understand.

If you really are a KGB hitman, how did you ever get to be funny?

When the professor here recruited me in 1968, I went to Russia for assessment.

And because of my natural comic timing, I was sent to the KGB comedy training

camp in Minsk.

When I returned to the West, I realized, like so many other Soviet -trained

comics, that if my cover as a comedian was going to hold, not only did it have

to be hilariously funny, but a paranoid manic -depressive as well.

My God, just like Tony Hancock and Peter Sellers and John Cleese.

KGB are very subtle, Caroline.

What did they use, Stephen?

Ego -inflating drugs?

Adulation treatment?

Piles of cash.

That's enough tradecraft chit -chat, Professor.

It's time to take a walk.

the professor go.

Out of the way, old Don.

I said let the professor go.

We're sick and tired of you intelligent yobbles disrupting university life.

Yes, we're all academics here and we're fed up with you MI5 bastards.

Old men to the front.

You too, Geoffrey.

Have you got more than six bullets in that gun, Igor?

Because if you haven't, you're in for a bloody good rutting. Please, don't do

anything rash.

The man's a fanatic.

I trained him myself.

Pipe down, Breeze. Our blood's up.

Blood! Blood!

Blood!

Was he?

Yes, in an undergraduate sort of way. Never made me laugh.

Well, I hope you've learned your lesson, Brees.

Leave all this Marxist nonsense to the young chaps. A man of your age is bloody

undignified.

Enough said.

This bit of skirt saved your scrawny neck.

A vote of thanks for the spot of dinner, don't you think?

Right, into the tent of the commie.

Dead and wounded fellows to the racket.

All the others back to the staff room for us.

Lord George Gordon Byron died while fighting with the Greek

insurgents in... Caroline?

In... Um... In... April 1824,

sir.

See me off. towards you too.

The point is that when a great poet lays down his pen

and picks up a sword let his enemies beware.

I want to learn.

I want to learn.

Everything I know nothing about.

I want to learn the facts. Can you educate me?

I want to learn.

Higher thoughts.

Can you educate me?

I want to know what an equation is.

And a sonnet.

A Byron sonnet.

Her clunky hair was clustered over a brow, bright with intelligence and fair

smooth. Her eyebrow shape was like the aerial bow, her cheek all purple with

beam of youth.

Mounting at times to a transparent glow as if her veins ran lightning. She in

sooth possessed an air and grace by no means common, but thatcher tall.

I hated dumpy woman.