Original subtitles

Good evening.

Good evening.

Oh, is it raining again?

Feeling better?

Yes, a little bit better. Thanks for asking.

I'll tell you what worries me, Cathy.

It's this mysterious and strangely debilitating chest problem of yours

show up on the medical, did it?

Do you know, I know, it's infuriating, isn't it?

But the very same thing happened to me on the Amazon expedition.

Oh, too hot.

Well, yes, actually.

I mean, you know that really muggy, uncomfortable, sort of intense heat?

I couldn't do anything.

Couldn't row, couldn't put up a tent, couldn't carry all the stuff over the

rapids, you know. All I could do was sit in the back of the boat, underneath the

parasol, and trail my hand in the water. I just became a passenger, really.

Surely they must have hated me at the end.

like where you are over?

About minus 30.

Over. Minus 30?

Where are you?

I'm walking to the North Pole.

Over. How many of you are there? Over.

Just me.

Over.

What are you doing down there? Is that where you live? Over.

No, I'm on an ornithological expedition.

Oh, bird watching.

Yeah, I'll do a bit of that myself.

Only joking.

Over.

What do you look like?

You look like Francis, over.

Have you ever read Words Monthly?

No.

Oh, shame, because there's a picture of me in the August issue, over.

I'll try and get a copy.

It's been nice talking to you, Stan.

It's been nice talking to you too, Francis.

Um, what's the Falkland for good night?

Good night.

What's that shit you're reading, Stan?

I'm looking for something.

This is what I call a man's mad.

Yonks and yonking.

No, we're in just pictures of blokes.

Look at the uniform on that!

You don't sound as if you're 6 ,000 miles away. Yeah, it's this new

I got it in the sale at Nixon's.

It's good, isn't it? Makes it sound like you're in the next room.

Over. Well, there's a book.

I've got the magazine.

Over.

Really? Over?

Yes, I've got it in front of me now.

I like the blonde one on the left. Which one are you? Over.

The blonde one on the left, over.

And Cathy's the mousy one, is she? Over.

Yes.

Blimey, she's no oil painting, is she?

Birthday! Biscuit day!

Where are the biscuits?

The mice have eaten them. Both packets!

And you know, I've set traps everywhere.

And the funny thing is that all the cheese has gone as well. So I think they

must be able to eat the cheese without setting the traps off.

They're all little things, aren't they, mice?

I'm going to ask her to marry me, Billy.

You're a mad bastard, Stan.

You've never met him.

Well, I've heard her speak, and I know what she looks like, and I know

she's the one for me.

He doesn't know what you look like, though.

I look all right, don't I?

And I've got all this.

Full -time employment.

It's all right, isn't it?

They say love's blind. Let's hope so.

Do it now.

Hello, C12B Francis.

This is Stan here.

I've been thinking about the future and about us.

And, well, I'm going to be 32 this October.

And I feel like I'm ready to put down roots in that.

What I'm saying is... I'd like to marry you.

Over.

Hello! Hello!

of what you're going to have.

Yes, gentlemen. Is there some sort of a problem?

Yes. General Galtieri has retaken the Falkland Islands.

Oh, General Galtieri has just retaken the Falkland Islands.

Yes.

I see.

And what would you actually like us to do about it?

Um, well, I'm telling you so you can pass it on to the, um, you

know... The task force!

Oh, right, right.

Well, I tell you what, I'll have a word with the Prime Minister and no doubt

she'll send a couple of ships down that way tomorrow.

All right, gents.

Madam, about your poodle, did you say it was a creepy colour?

This is it, Billy.

We're going to have to do this ourselves.

We are going to have to go to the fortress.

How are we going to get down there, Billy? We haven't got any money.

Well, we'll just have to check it. Yeah, but we need millions. I mean, we've got

to get the air tickets, guns, that uniform.

Where are we going to get our hands on that kind of money?

It's impossible.

All right, that's two million, three million,

four million, five million. Oh, I'm very sorry, everybody.

Nearly ten to ten, Mr Stevens.

Is it really?

Well, I'm... I'm sorry, I had to sleep in the park last night.

My wife Mary, she wouldn't let me into the house.

Again.

I tried to stay with my brothers, but... Not that one either.

But his wife wouldn't let me there either.

She says I frighten the children.

Oh, I think that's it.

No.

There's a little fellow.

There you go.

Oh, I think it's going to be a lovely day.

Lots with you.

I'm so sorry to keep you, gentlemen.

If you'd just like to follow me.

Ah, Mary, before you throw me out the house, I just want to say how grateful I

am for all the wonderful years we had together. And I've stopped drinking.

These are just a token of my love and affection in the way of saying thank

And I really have stopped this time. Oh, sorry, Max.

Would you like a drink?

I'd like a drink.

No, neither would I.

I'd like some lemon, dear.

Mary?

Mary, there's no necessity for guns. I'm not a violent man, you know that.

All I came for was a clean pair of socks and a wedding photograph and I'll be

out there... Oh, shut up, Max.

These men want to rob your bank.

They're going to hold me hostage while you go to the bank and get the money.

There's six million in there and we want it all.

Yeah, but it's closed now.

Well, open it. Yeah, you've got the keys. We've seen you.

Yeah, well, I have, but unfortunately the vault's on a time clock. Nobody can

open it till tomorrow.

What are we going to do, Stan?

I know. You can stay here tonight.

I'll cook dinner.

What are we having?

What about risotto?

Sounds punsy. No, Billy.

I like risotto.

Do you want a hand?

You ever robbed a bank before, Stan?

No, it's my first time.

It's all a bit hit and miss, really.

We haven't had time for proper planning and preparation.

Me and Stan are going to invade Argentina.

No, just the two of you.

So far, so few.

Stupid, really.

But it's better to die a glorious death than throw your life away in the pub.

Isn't it?

That's fine now. That's much better. What is?

The cupboard light.

You see, some of these cupboards, when you close the door, the light should go

off like this.

Ah, no, there's still something not quite right.

Who are you?

I'm so sorry.

Uh, Rollo Richmond Barn, bedroom, uh, cupboard door light thing, uh, limited.

Here's my card.

Um... That's for a Chinese restaurant, isn't it?

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry. Oh, God.

Oh, my God, look at that.

This man was trying to rob you. You should be locked up.

I'm so sorry to be a nuisance.

Yes, Max, why don't you call the police?

Anyone like another drink?

Do you like one?

Oh, thank you.

Hello, police.

Ice, everybody.

Yeah, this is Max Stevens, 19 Team Avenue.

What's the problem?

Well, what is the problem?

They're robbing the bank.

Wrong number.

We're in trouble.

Thank you.

You've come to the wrong house.

This is number 17, isn't it?

You are never number 17.

Just a minute, Dirk. Are you the owner of this house?

No. I am.

Good evening, Sergeant. I'm awfully sorry to trouble you.

You fixed this up.

I did?

You arranged all this to spoil the divorce.

What divorce, Mary?

Precisely. Mary, I don't know people like this.

By the way, how is the Chief Constable? Is his outfit going to be better for the

golf on Sunday?

Chief Constable's skiing in Val d 'Isere, sir.

Those surgeons really are marvellous, aren't they?

Well, please give them my regards, won't you?

I've never seen them before in my life.

These are hard, desperate men who'll stop at nothing to get what they want.

Hello.

I'm afraid the sauce didn't quite work, so I put it in a separate dish.

Shall I open the champagne now?

So, Fatty opens the safe.

You grab the spondylox.

We all run like hell into the street.

Bells ringing galore.

Have a go, as on every corner.

What do we do next?

Fly to Argentina.

Well,

here's what I think we should do.

Roughly divide the money in the taxi on the way to the airport.

Then I'll drop you off and see you down there in Peru, wherever it is you're

going, ASAP.

No.

I think we should stick together.

Stick together.

My God, that's a bit salty, isn't it?

Well, you didn't have to eat it. You weren't invited anyway.

I think it's great, Stan.

I'll have yours.

I love salt.

How much combat experience have we all had?

It's not necessary.

Killing's instinctive. As long as you hate people enough and watch the right

films.

First Blood were good.

Then they done Rambo.

Well, that was a bit commercial for my test.

How about you, Stan?

Well, I don't like Rambo either.

I just want to rescue Francis.

What?

Hey, she's only getting away.

Oh, don't be rotten. I've lost my job, haven't I?

I've spilled. Oh, come on, Beth. Move out. Move out.

Oh, no. There's no flight to the Portland.

No scheduled flight.

I'm glad she went to Stockholm.

Good morning. Can I help you, sir?

Yes. We're interested in purchasing one of your jet fighter planes.

I'm sorry, sir.

I'm afraid we only do business with governments or with companies

those governments.

Excuse me.

Where's your toilet?

It's just over there, sir. Of course, yes. Well, we're actually an exciting

city -based company called Ronson Marble Soul Cut, representing a government

that is interested in... How much is one of these?

Quite a lot of money, sir. Hello?

Mary? Yeah.

Um, nobody to get hurt.

Well, if you'd just like to take a seat, I'll see that the plane is brought

round to the front.

Thank you.

Well, I've decided to go with them. To the Fortwoods, yes.

Mary, I love you.

I write every day.

Honeypot.

Where's everyone going?

Hello, C12B Francis, over.

Hello, C12B Francis, over.

They'll never see their wives or girlfriends ever again.

Do you know, they still haven't caught the fourth man, the mastermind.

What a rat.

Just leaves him there to rot and he goes off with the money.

Hello. I've come to see Mr Nipper Shine.

He's dead.

I'm Mrs. Shines.

You, uh... Connie Snell.

So what's the first play, then?

I want to get my friends out of Dartmoor.

We dug the hole and everything.

Day before the jump, the governor got there and switched his Peter.

No, I didn't understand a word of that.

Why don't you shut your mouth and let your arse do the talking?

Right, sorry.

What I'm trying to tell you, Egghead, is that there is an unused tunnel running

out of cell 109 Block C.

It goes straight out under the wall.

It's never been used.

Come on, Rex.

You're supposed to be leading me. You're supposed to be a highly trained lion.

You pull me over, you silly dog.

Hello, Billy.

Hello, Dad.

Oh, why did you do it? Breaking your poor mother's heart.

Move to cell 109.

Yes,

Belmont, what is it, you miscreant?

I want to move to cell 109.

I want to move to cell 109.

There you go, Randy Brock. Another volunteer for you.

No!

Hello. You're going to get a very sore bottom.

Cell 108.

The worst cell in the entire neck.

No toilet, no window. It's a living hell. I can't imagine anything worse.

Especially when Randy Ron gets to work on your mate next door.

Thank you.

Yes, tidy off for our purposes.

I like you.

You're a genuine upper -crust sicko, you are. The mind boggles at the bottomless

depths of your depravity.

Sleep well.

Do you want to be the man or the woman?

This is the most natural and beautiful thing in the world.

Kate.

Kate. Come on to Kate.

Come on to Kate.