Original subtitles

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You're playing on the tape recorder, Vin.

Uh, it's a tape.

No, no, it's our latest song, actually. It's, uh, yeah, it's called Bad News.

Although you probably worked that out.

It's a sort of statement.

A statement?

On what?

Oh, it's a statement on, uh... Look, I'll tell you later, all right? You just

got up.

It's like in the morning. You were expecting me to blow your mind.

Listen to the lyrics.

Pardon? I said listen to the lyrics. The lyrics.

What sort of feeling have you got about the tour?

What? What do you feel about the tour?

Tour? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, we're going on tour.

What? There's somebody at the door.

No, no, we've got a toilet.

Oh, the door. There's someone at the door.

What? Oh, right.

Oh, dear.

Why isn't somebody quite well on to it? You're standing there.

Hang on, hang on.

Do you know what time it is?

It's about six, isn't it? Has anyone got the right time?

Five past six.

Now, if you don't turn that racket off, I shall definitely inform the police.

Will somebody turn the tape recorder off?

You have to unplug it because the button doesn't work.

I'm sorry about this. Look, son, I've warned you before.

Yeah, I know, I know.

What's going on in there?

What are you doing?

That's all right, they're making a film about me. I'm going to be on the telly.

Turn that camera off.

Eh?

I refuse to be filmed.

Turn that thing off!

What the bloody hell are you playing at?

I could play Stairway to Heaven when I was 12.

Jimmy Page didn't actually write it until he was 22.

I think that says quite a lot.

Did they get it this time?

What? And have they got another hair in the gate or what?

Shut up, then.

Eh? I said shut up.

Class, shall we go again?

No, I'll go with this one.

What is crap?

No, we can cut the beginning off. Is this mic working? Hello, one, two. Yes.

One, two. Dan, yes, it's working. We're wasting a lot of film here. Okay, okay,

keep cool.

Are you ready, then?

What? Oh, God, come on! I'm ready, I'm ready. Get back inside, then.

Let's go over to the other side, Oliver.

Go on, now.

Go on.

Okay.

Hello, Tim.

Hello, Alan.

Tim.

Eh? Tim, Tim, my name's Tim, remember?

Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.

Hello, Vim.

Right. Hello, Den. You got your stuff ready, Den?

Yeah.

It's right here in the hall.

Well, come on, then. We've got to pick up the others yet.

All right, Alan.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry. All right, Vim.

Vim. All right.

OK, I'm off now, Mum. Bye.

Den used to be in this group called the Hounds of Zorro. They were rubbish,

right? All you had to do to join was... Drink half a bottle of vodka and keep it

down. There he is.

He tried six times before he got in.

He's standing outside so we don't see how posse's after him.

Morning, Colin. Hi, Dan.

Well, I mean, the only thing that's wrong with Colin is that, you know, he

really play.

How's it going with you, mate? All right?

Yeah. I feel a bit wrecked, actually.

Yeah?

Bloody hell, it's a bit cramped in here, isn't it?

Yeah, I feel a bit wrecked, you know.

Did you see the whistle test last night?

Sort of, yeah, but I... I was really stoned, you know, and I drank a bottle

brandy and... Yeah, I was with this chick and... We were just about to get

to it.

I went and put my foot through the television set. Oh, no!

Yeah. So it sort of blew up a bit, you know, set fire to the curtains and...

Well, I missed the second half of the show.

I bet your mum was really angry.

But she wasn't there. Was she dead?

Yeah, but I mean, when she gets back, she's going to be really angry.

She won't be getting back.

How come?

Because she's dead.

Eh? She's dead, then.

Oh, I get it.

Alan's called Bim and your mum's dead.

Can we cut this bit as well, please?

Where is he?

Which is his bedroom, do you think?

Don't come on, Spock!

What time did you call this then?

Well, I smashed the window, Spider. Sorry.

Sorry. Never mind, then. It's all anarchy, isn't it?

Look, are you ready now, then?

No, sorry. I've got to go and sign on at half ten.

What? Don't get it.

Very funny.

Here's your bag, Spock!

Hey, babe, your mind's back.

Oh, Spider!

Just cry like I told you till you won't get paid.

Oh, no, Spider, don't leave me! Not now!

Chicks, huh?

See you, doll.

Well, Spider used to have this really big drug problem.

You know, he couldn't get enough.

Shut the door.

That's probably why he's like he is, you know.

Completely crazed.

But he's a bloody good drummer though, you know when I auditioned him he did a

46 minute drum solo I mean, I mean it would have done a lot more but I can't

stand drum solos Life on

the road is a lot more interesting than working in a factory.

I mean you do a lot more driving about for a start

You always feel as if you're going somewhere, you know?

Yeah, really kinky.

Hey,

listen.

You're making a film now? Trace.

Yeah.

I'm a rock star.

What, you're an actor?

No, I'm a rock star.

Bad news on the road.

Oh, we have a band.

Yeah, can't you read?

Look, come on, Trace. We're going to be late. I've heard of them anyway.

Listen, I could teach you a lot of things you've never heard of. Don't you

rude. Come on, Trace. Hey, listen. Freak out, should we? Come with us for

breakfast. Yeah.

Am I really being filmed?

Yeah, you've got it in one, babe. It's going to be a start.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Listen, it'll be all right.

Do you like taking that with me? Yeah!

got a lot better i mean we're not rich yet but i mean it's obvious that we're

going to be so you know we don't worry so much about money two pounds and five

pence please love two queen that's right two pounds and five pence please two

queen for one bloody sausage that's right love two pounds and five pence

the camera what's the name of this place

Look, they're charging two quid for one bloody sausage.

So don't come here.

It was clearly marked, love.

Sausage, beans and chips.

Two pounds and five pence. I haven't got two quid, have I?

Can I have half a sausage for a quid?

No, you can't.

Hey, bad news.

Hey, Sally Freedman.

Britain's number one sexy chick rock journalist.

What gives?

Coast to coast tour? Putting heavy metal back on a rock and roll map where it

belongs. 1001 smashed motel rooms.

We're on... No, I still can't read that thing from here.

Wait a minute, I was sitting over there.

Carry on, then.

Carry on.

No, no, it's not... It's going to be wrong.

It's meant to join up with that last bit, isn't it?

Yeah, that's what I thought. Well, I was sitting over there then, right?

I mean, now come on, I'm suddenly sitting over here now.

He's all right. He's all right. I was sitting there.

Okay, let's cut your favourite books, films, records... Wait a minute.

It says sausages up there.

Not just one sausage.

Look at that. Look, it says sausages.

Where's me other sausage thing?

Okay, let's cut your favourite films, books, records and funniest experiences

routine and get right on to the meat. Let me tell you my funniest experience.

Shut up, Dan. Shut up.

First of all, I'd like to make my position clear. I'm in love with heavy

I know I should have some ideological theory to renounce all the over

-established musical forms as the worthless ego -massaging opiates they so

obviously are.

But that said, you've got to differentiate between the class

glissagonzos and those who, though dismissed as unfashionable by casual

this year's slacks, refuse to be bullied out of their belief in the fundamental

values of popular music and sweat at their own temperature.

What side of the fence do you want?

Right, about what you were saying before, it's a valid question, I mean,

get me wrong about that, but I think you're really starting out from the

point of view, because we're not basically a heavy metal band.

We're a bit more subtle than that, aren't we, Colin?

What?

We're a bit more subtle than that.

Yeah, we're subtle, but basically we're heavy metal, aren't we?

If we made a record, it'd be so heavy you couldn't get off the turntable.

Yeah, I know that, I know. But, I mean, what I'm saying is we're just not simple

heavy metal. I thought we were heavy metal. I know we've got heavy roots, you

know.

And, I mean, what I'm trying to say is that we're trying to progress a bit.

We're trying to break a few barriers.

Are we?

Yeah.

Carry on.

Um...

Well, I mean, if I relate it back to what you were saying, we're not sitting

a fence at all.

We're trying to burn the fence down.

And it's pretty stupid to sit on a burning fence.

There's no point in being shackled to some stupid label.

Why is the label EMI?

That's not the point, Viv. What she's saying is that the label's not

it's just a convenient term of reprimand.

Here we go, calling the college player. Well, it's obvious.

What's wrong with being a heavy metal band anyway?

You put heavy metal in the advert, that's why I joined. Yeah, me too.

I know, I know, I know I did, but things change, don't they?

I mean, when I was a kid, when I was a kid, I used to play John Denver numbers

all the time.

But that doesn't mean that I have to be a prat all my life, does it? You said

it, Bim.

We call ourselves Heavy Denver.

Tell her to shut up or get out, Spider.

Shut up or get out.

Look, look, we are not just another stupid heavy metal band.

What about futuristic heavy metal?

But we're more modern than futuristic, aren't we? I know. What about heavy

metal, little Billy Romantic?

Oh, yeah.

Sorry, I forgot.

What are you doing, Den? Right, that's it.

I'm getting out of here if we're anything to do with a new romantic.

One of the things about being a leader is that you've got to sort out arguments

that come up between people in the group.

And you've got to be fair.

And you've got to make sure your own ego doesn't get in the way.

Come on, Danny. It was only a joke.

I don't care. I don't care if it was a joke or not.

Hey, it was a joke.

I'm not going any further until I hear Alan say that we're heavy metal.

Come on, tell him, Ben.

OK, OK, we're heavy metal, OK?

Heavy metal, heavy metal, heavy metal.

Have I said it enough?

We're heavy metal, OK?

It's like you're fucking brave.

This is heavy, get it?

bloody well told.

Mark, give me the radio.

Hello? Why have you stopped?

Hello? We're all receiving you loud and clear.

Over.

Cut the jargon and just answer the question, you stupid bastard.

I'm not the subject of this documentary. Point the camera at the van.

Because it's your problem, right? You've got to handle it.

We're just here to point the cameras, okay?

That's the whole point of documentaries.

Look, don't worry. It's going to look really good in the film anyway.

It's great. It's really interesting.

We're lucky it happened, actually.

You're lucky I don't knock your fucking head in.

There's no need to get violent, is there?

And try not to swear so much, please, for the sake of this film. You could

always put in a fucking bleep, can't you?

Yes, yes, that's not the point, though.

No, no, that's not the point, is it? The point is how come you think you can

interfere with the way we talk and not interfere when the van's broken down?

Yeah, right.

Answer that and stay fashionable.

Come on, boys, let's keep cool.

Fuck off.

Don't talk to me like that.

Cut it.

Cut it!

It's obvious we're going to make it.

I mean, we're the only band I know that can play a 13 -bar boogie.

I mean, all we've got to do is make a record and sell it.

I mean, we'd be as rich as the Stones if we'd sold as many records as them.

Robbie,

you've been manager at the Roxy now for 15 years.

Anybody want this last cheese one?

There's not much, is there?

No.

And I thought they laid on lots of, you know, food and drink in there. Excuse

me. Er, what are you doing?

Me?

This is my office.

This is my office. We're supposed to be in here.

Your office?

And what are you doing eating my tea?

What? Sorry, mate, we thought this was the dressing room. No, no, no, no. The

dressing room's out there.

Well, all I can see is the toilet.

Yeah?

Oh, I see.

Oh, look, a bloody toilet again.

Look, I, er... I came to tell you they're ready for a soundcheck.

Yeah, all right.

Look, though, we've got to sort out this toilet business, though, all right?

Right on, man.

You don't have to go yet, do you?

What?

Listen, love.

Soundchecks are very boring.

You're supposed to come in there, Colin.

All I'm asking, Bim, is that you let me sing just one number. Yeah, I know, I

know. And I say you can't, OK?

Well, it's just not fair.

Look, this is my band, so it's fair.

Well, if that's the way it is, it's my brother's PA, and I say that you all

can't use it.

The only reason you're in this band is because you've got the bloody PA.

Well, maybe I should take my PA to a band where I might be appreciated a

bit more.

Well, it'd better be a band in Grunt. them then because it's not going back in

my van.

Yes, which I paid for to have repaired.

I'm afraid that's all it's time for.

Mum,

could you take

some library books back for me?

Blair's Origins of Feudal Britain.

Motorhead, Saxon, Uriah Heep, sure, and loads of bands.

And you can quote me on that, sure, yeah.

Yeah, okay, thanks, goodbye.

See you.

Okay, ciao. Right, yeah.

Another reporter.

How did you get into the music business, Tyler?

Well... I went down to the job centre and told them I wanted to blow their

minds.

Do you always play at the fin table for a gig?

No. You asked me to because you thought I'd make a nice shot.

Dan.

Dan.

Who's that?

It's Sally.

What are you doing in here? This is for me.

I've come to interview you.

I'm on the toilet.

Why? Is that because you're nervous?

No. No.

I see what you mean. You thought I was shitting bricks.

Well, I am, but it's got nothing to do with nerves. It's just like this problem

I've got.

You'll know when I'm nervous because I throw up.

Yeah, I know, because I was born to be on stage, you know.

Thanks. How do you know?

Well, I mean, what can you do when you're multi -talented? I mean, you

just sit at home in a coma.

I could have been a Michelangelo, could have been Wordsworth, Joe Bugner,

anything.

It's a strong stone, isn't it?

Yeah.

It certainly does the job all right, doesn't it?

I can stand up.

What?

I just want to sleep with you tonight.

What? I just want to sleep with you tonight.

Sally,

I thought you told me this name was fake.

Oliver, what are you still running for?

I haven't had a cat yet.

Well, doesn't it appear a bit obvious sometimes?

Well, no, you said the art of making documentaries was to keep running all

time. That was

now done.

No, I think it must be something I ate. Yeah, looks like everything you ate.

Come on, we've got to get on stage now.

Come on, Tim, what's happening?

Come on, man.

Rock and roll, man.

One, two, one, two, three, four.

I think I can handle fame.

I mean, I think I'm ready for it.

I've had fame before because I was on Opportunity Knox when I was a kid.

That's when I was 11.

I did Purple Haze on the acoustic guitar with my dad on the

trumpet.

It's a bit naff, I suppose, really, but it was a good experience.

my dad i mean i'm in the band you know you can't beat a good live band i

mean i i just i just live for playing live i mean i'd do it for free if i

need the money

The buzz that you get off the audience is amazing.

I mean, it's the audience that makes a gig, you know.

When you're on stage, there's this huge crowd of people all sweating and jumping

about and all enjoying themselves.

And it's all because of you.

One,

two, one, two, three.

Hey,

lads.

Hey, lads.

I just wanted to say it was a great gig, tremendous.

Well, thanks very much.

Yes, thanks. Did you think that when I... What about the money?

What about the money?

I'm sorry, I'm afraid there isn't any.

What?

Well, you sort of had a day tonight, didn't you? Four people.

Don't forget the dog.

Yeah, you didn't let the dog in free, did you?

I don't understand. We were on a straight 40 quid. There was no box

nothing. Look, I said I'm sorry, didn't I? I'll go and check it out, OK?

Who are you going to?

They

did

a good job on that skull, didn't they?

Yeah. And that smoke was quite good, too.

Yeah.

Well? Can't find him.

Must have buggered off.

Bastard. It's not his fault.

It's quite nice.

You shut up, you tart.

He's trying to get out of paying me.

Well, that bloke told him not to.

What? He told him not to pay you.

What, him?

Yeah. What, is that right?

Oh, look, look, don't worry.

You'll get your money. I was just trying to make it a bit more interesting, you

know. Create a bit of conflict.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well... I mean, if it's conflict, you're looking... Oh!

Don't do that! I'm just going to... Get the police! Get the camera down!

He's rolling!

He's rolling!

He's rolling! We've got to borrow this a minute.

Finn!

Finn, come on, Finn! Finn!

We've got to get... We've got to sound it.

Look, let's get up. Get up to the office.

Get up to the office and we'll start it. Make one of those documentaries.

OK, I think the tape recorder's working. It's going round anyway.

Come on, Colin.

Why don't you let me help you? Look, just keep your hands off it, Dan.

What about that button there?

Yeah, there you are. Look, I can hear it now. Must be on. All right, all right,

so it's on. Can you just get back? I'm trying to get you to focus.

Come on, Spider.

Hello, Spider.

Brilliant joke, then.

Thanks. OK, it's working.

Does everybody know what they're doing?

Yes. I just say, heavy metal, top of the class, stuff the media up your arse.

Don't forget to get your cock out, then.

Don't confuse him, Spider.

Hang on.

Oh, God, get him to go for Christ's sake. Just stop shouting at me, Alan.

beginning to get on my tip.

Piss off and stop calling me Alan. All right, then, Ajak, or whatever your new

name is. Don't you dare wind me up. I think we've run out of film.

What? Yeah, we've run out of film. Oh, God.

It's all right. There's some more over here.

No, Den, don't touch... What do you go and do that for?

What? Never take new film out of a tin. We've got no film left now. It's a

complete waste of time. Oh, I'll put it back in.

Goddamn, you're stupid!

That's the point.

You know what? What?

This band is a pile of shit.

Eh? Hang on, everybody. We're going to run out of tape soon.

Here it comes. Any moment now.

Now, hang on. I was wrong. It's going to be about...