Original subtitles

You ready now?

Yeah, lovely.

Oh. OK.

Come up and show me a video.

Yeah. Come up and show me a video, will you? Yeah.

Been on your holidays?

I have.

Been on your holidays and you come up and show me a video, innit? Yeah.

Oh, you are a good boy.

How much longer this shit go on for?

No, it's my travel diary from India.

Isn't that looks like you?

It is.

Oh, don't it look like you?

It is me.

Oh, look at that, you're on the telly.

Don't you look short.

Who's that stood next to you?

That's Tom. I met him at the youth hostel.

Oh, God help us.

Look, Nan, that's Varanasi in the Ganges.

Oh, yeah.

It's a holy bathing place for Hindus.

Your mate Tom looks like he's having a good time.

It's a very spiritual place.

Yeah, we used to have Indian women live near us years ago.

Bombay Mary, we used to call her.

Oh, she was a handsome woman. Couldn't do enough for you. We loved her.

She'd make big pots of curry and rice and lay it all up on a trestle table and

sell it out the front of her house.

People would queue for miles.

And she'd make these great big crisps and all.

Poppadoms?

That's it.

It was everything you could think of.

Oh, it was rotten.

You'd be spewing your guts up for days.

Of course, you couldn't say anything, though, in case she put a fucking spell

you.

Who's that, then?

I don't know. I'll go and find out.

I'll have a look.

Little fat Buddha.

Nan, this is Pam. She's just moved in upstairs.

Hi. Oh, hello, sweetheart.

Oh, how lovely you're to drop in. Yeah, cos I've heard the doorbell go and I

said to him, I wonder who that could be. But you moved upstairs, have you,

darling? Yeah, old Lena used to live there. God rest her soul.

Never mind.

You'll like it up there, darling. It's a beautiful flat.

It's my grandson, Jamie.

He's not gay.

Apparently Tom's just a friend.

I've just been backpacking. Yes, you don't need to know that.

Backpacking, what a laugh. I went everywhere, I just didn't want to come

Well, there's nothing like travelling the world, making friends. Anyway, I

popped down to say hello, show my face, seen as we're going to be neighbours.

What's that lady saying?

I just thought I should introduce myself, seeing as how I'm living

I can't make it, I am.

I suppose you're one of them illegal immigrants, you see.

Nan. Oh, you come over on a lorry, love.

You and your old street. Oh.

Oh, I do feel for you, sweetheart. Never mind.

You're better off here.

That's it.

I'll bet there's fucking mobs of them up there.

Nan, Pam's from Scotland.

Oh, Scotch, is it?

They like a shant.

Can I get you anything, darling?

No, thank you. I'm not stopping. I've got the removal men downstairs.

Shots followed porridge.

Another time, maybe. I've really got to dash.

Summit back, kilts.

Right. OK, bye.

Are you going, darling?

All right, then. You know, bring her down.

Fucking libertine!

She was blind drunk, the woman!

No, she wasn't drunk.

She was going to turn violent, I know, weren't she?

You could see it in her eyes.

No, she wasn't.

She was frothing at the fucking mouth!

You'd have had it on your toes, wouldn't you, eh? A bit lively. You'd have been

down them stairs and out of it while I'm up here on my own being wrestled to the

ground.

God blimey, this saint's still on, is it?

Well, you don't have to watch it.

What's he doing there?

That's me and Tom practising Ashtanga yoga.

You dirty fucking pucker!

After her husband of nine days was electrocuted on death row in his Texan

penitentiary, Elaine Figgis was conned out of £5 ,500 over the internet by a

spice seller from Luxor Temple.

Unlucky in love, Elaine has now decided she wants to have a baby.

I think it's a drive with women, inbuilt, the desire to nurture, to give

love. And let's face it, Tanya, I'm not getting any younger.

Some days I can hear my biological clock ticking so loud it scares me.

Oh,

that's not me.

So who are you going to have a baby with?

Well, I was hoping it would be my last boyfriend, Donald.

It was great, Donald.

It was a tad violent.

A man of very few words, and most of those are swears.

But sadly, he felt his time on Earth was better spent with Linda from the pine

shop.

Ooh.

That's a nice one.

Ooh, I wouldn't mind one like that.

So you're looking for a black pot, then?

Unlike a lot of people on this... Street, Tanya, I'm not a racist.

I'll have anyone.

But remember, it's 2006.

Who needs a man to have a baby?

Well, presumably you're not capable of producing your own sperm.

Do you mind not saying that word? It goes right through me.

No, admittedly, I will have to have a donation of some description.

I did ask my great pals, Michael and Gordon, or the boys, as I like to call

them, if they'd ever fancied a baby, but apparently they're getting a shih tzu

from a trolley dolly in Tring.

Plan B.

Whether you're a mother or whether you're a brother, you're staying alive,

staying alive. Feel the city breaking and everybody shaking and we're staying

alive.

Oh, it was lovely, thank you. We took Michaela to see the new Disney film.

Did her asthma make it a dismal night for all concerned?

No, that's cleared up now.

Oh, I'm delighted for you. That's champion news.

Cos there's nothing worse than trying to concentrate on a film and having the

person next to you selfishly gasping for air.

Can I borrow your nice stainless steel pencil shortener?

Um, sure, yeah.

I'll tell you what it is.

Me and some of the other girls down at the Tyne and Way Choral Society are

a sponsored sing -a -thon.

Oh, right.

Another fundraiser. We're singing the hits of Andrew Lloyd Webber, past and

present, 24 hours a day, for the next fortnight.

For all the little folk in the North East area who... but with obsessive

-compulsive disorder.

I've never met anyone with obsessive -compulsive disorder.

That's because they're locked in the bathroom 14 hours a day, washing the

off their hands.

Really?

If you don't believe me, log on to the website.

W -W -W, just Christ, I've left the iron on.

dot UK forward slash. No, I haven't. Forward slash.

What shall I put you down

for?

Well, three pounds a week.

Six pounds?

Six pounds?

To sing...

All right, £3 .50 a week.

£7? I don't think you've quite grossed the gravity of the situation, Martha.

Did you know that every 38 minutes, one of those poor little halfwits who's

flown off on the holiday of a lifetime touches down and then has to fly

home again because he's got a niggling feeling he's left the top of the shaken

vat?

£7 is all I can afford.

I've had an expensive month, Georgie.

Let's say no more about it, cos I wouldn't want it to come between us.

Best of luck with the thing -a -thon.

Don't cry for me, old Argentina.

The giant's gone! The giant!

We're in Pudsey cos our Jackie's married a Spaniard.

Don't ask.

She's only known him three months, but she's pushing 42 and beggars can't be

chosen. Especially your Jackie.

Any road, we're at the reception.

What do they call that place?

La Ventana. This is in Pudsey. La Ventana.

So we shake hands with Jackie and then Rika.

Not a dicky bird about the sombrero, we said to. And we sat down on a table next

to the scone shop lot. Again?

Right next to the water feature, so I'm nipping to the ladies every five minutes

because my blood is not what it was. They don't need to know that.

Any road.

You get a choice for your first course.

Listen to this.

Parma ham with melon balls.

Calamari.

What do they call it?

Gazpacho. Give him his strength.

So I said I'd have the parma ham with melon balls because they take out the

parma ham because it makes the melon taste salty.

And Ray said he'd have the gazpacho.

Famous last words.

So anyway, first course arrived.

Bear in mind, all we've had is a sausage roll and a sticky bun on the M6 toll

road. And you'll never guess what it was.

This.

Gazpacho business.

You couldn't make it up.

Cold tomato soup.

Tomato soup.

Cold.

Soup.

Tomato.

Cold. They couldn't even be asked to warm it up.

Well, rare when ape.

The dirty bastards.

That's not all. Tell them what we're floating on top.

Croutons. Stale bread, basically.

Just when you think you've seen it all.

Tiny bits of stale bread.

On cold tomatoes.

This has been pudsy.

The dirty, evil, lazy bastardos.

Continuing her quest to have a baby, Elaine is visiting a sperm bank.

Oh, he sounds interesting.

Oh, he's a jockey. They're tiny.

He's a disc jockey.

Remember Diddy David Hamilton?

Oh, look, he's six foot one.

Oh, glasses.

I don't think so.

Have you got any nice coffee -coloured ones?

We have black donors, yes.

Oh, AX.

3902. Oh.

Oh, now you sound perfect.

BSC from Doncaster.

I've been to Doncaster. The accent greats on me.

Your baby wouldn't necessarily have a Doncaster accent.

But can I take that risk, Amelia?

Don't blame it on sunshine.

Blame it on the good time.

Blame it on the brigade.

Do you know what time I'm going up to physio?

I just can't. I just can't. I just can't control my face. Oh, it's a grand day

today, Mr Anderson.

Well, why's that, then?

My sisters are coming over from Ireland.

Brenda and Bridie.

They are the bollocks.

You've got sisters, have you? Are they like you?

Oh, God, no, no. Our Brenda's the right person.

I'm the quiet one.

Is there any chance of checking what time I'm going up to physio? I'm in the

mood.

Have you any idea what time I'm going up to physio?

Brenda, Bridie, this is Jack.

How's it going?

I've got suspected DVT.

Dad, you must put it about a bit.

Actually, it's deep vein thrombosis.

I got it on a long -haul flight from Australia.

I got it on a short -haul flight to Cork, but then again, I'm a very fast

Down under.

Yeah, it was a great experience.

I spent a lot of time in the bush.

Jack, you're outrageous.

I can't believe you just said that.

I really think it might be time for me to go up to my physio. Oh, will you calm

yourselves down? It's not for ages yet.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll just get my head down.

time to do the dinner round. Oh, can we tag along?

Oh, God, yeah, it's a great crack, especially when you do the anorexics,

they have, like, just one pee, and then you can take the rest for yourselves.

That's brilliant!

Have you got enough for...

It's been six months since we last saw Elaine, and there's been some good news.

It was the happiest day of my life.

The morning I woke up and realised I'd missed my monthlies.

So who's the father?

A strawberry blonde web designer.

Whatever that is.

Called Marcus.

Very posh.

His tour is for Sagittarius Rising.

Appreciates sculpture and can't get enough of Desperate Housewives.

I've not actually seen a photo of him, but I like to think he looks something

like this.

How far along are you? About six months, thereabouts.

You're not showing.

Not on the outside, no. On the inside, I'm huge.

My mum was the same with me, you know, flattered a pancake right through the

pregnancy, and then I popped out, I was over a foot long.

and the footlong's picky.

My auntie Pearl still calls me fussy, which can be a little bit confusing, you

know, if I'm stood next to a football.

Do you like my mobile?

And the check -ups and scans, they're all going OK, are they?

Don't really bother with all that, to be honest with you.

You know, but baby's fine, you know, I can feel it in my waters.

I can feel it in my uterus, really.

Have you thought of any names yet, Elaine?

I was thinking about Mandy for a girl, you know, after Barry Manilow.

And if it's a boy, maybe something royal, you know, possibly Fergus.

I see you've bought a pram already.

Got it off eBay.

Bit of a nightmare, actually, because, you know, it's got a tendency to be a

left, you know. It just won't go right, so...

If I want to go right, I have to come full circle, face the direction I want

go.

I'm not sure if that was a contraption.

Really? So soon?

No, you're right. It was last night's because...

See you tomorrow.

Bye. Bye. Miss Langford, Miss Langford, if you could just sign it to Derek and

Leonard with a great big showbiz kiss, love, Bonnie, that would be great.

We thought the show tonight was out of this world.

And what with you doing all that skating week in, week out. Thank you. We voted

for you 38 times.

Oh. Sorry, to Derek and... Leonard, dear.

I've got a lot of gay fans.

I beg pardon?

I said I've got a lot of gay fans.

Have you?

Actually, has that got to do with the price of Moe Veggs, dear?

Well, you and Leonard, say.

What on earth are you insinuating?

Gay fans?

Me and Leonard?

How very dear.

I'm... I'm sorry, I...

Didn't mean to offend you.

I'll just sign the book, Ginger.

I just assumed that you were... Gay, dear, who's him? He's him, who's him?

Just because a man is partial to an evening musical theatre and doesn't shy

from a chest wax, you assume he likes his shopping dropped off round the back?

There's nothing wrong with being gay, you know.

25 years my mother and I have been following your career and you come out

this. Well, I find you and your splits impertinent.

Come on, Leonard, we're off.

Gay fans?

How very dare you!

I'm so sorry.

Who shall I put this to?

Neil.

Excuse me, dear. If you see Scylla, would you get a scribble on that? Thank

dear.

Elaine is ten days overdue and there's still no sign of baby Figgis.

How are you feeling, Elaine?

If it doesn't come soon, I think I'll drag it out myself.

No, I mean I wouldn't.

I have to say, Elaine, you're still remarkably small for nine months. Is

everything OK?

Is that the new haircut, Tanya?

Elaine, this is a difficult question. Oh, it's not long division, is it?

I'm hopeless.

Are you really pregnant?

Pregnant in what sense, Tanya?

Well, the biological sense.

No.

Do you want to talk about it, Elaine?

I don't think so, thank you.

Can you believe it? I asked him for a chilli chimichanga burger, extra

extra cheese, extra burger.

What did he give you, mate?

Chilli chimichanga burger, extra gherkin, extra cheese, extra burger and

Muppet.

All right?

All right.

Lauren, there's something I need to ask you.

You know that, like, we've been, like, you know, for about a year now?

What, mate?

We're, like, going out.

Oh, my God.

In you do.

Well, the thing is, I've been thinking, and, like, you ain't all that, but the

thing is that I've been thinking, like, maybe we could, like, get... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, though.

Oh, my God, is he going down on one knee, though? Oh, my God, is he going

on one knee, though? Going down on one knee, though.

Lauren. Is it?

You want to get hitched up, mate?

that you want to get hitched up.

That is well bad.

Are you saying that you didn't mean it, though? Of course I didn't mean it.

But she thought you were... I can't get married.

That is so dry, mate.

I did it for a bet, though.

Getting married. I can't get married. I've got to concentrate on my...

Beatboxing and stuff.

Getting married.

Well bad.

Are you alright, though? Yeah, I'm sweet as, mate. But you thought he wanted to

marry you.

No, I didn't. But he was having a bet, mate.

Yeah, well, so was I, mate.

Who with me?

Right, are you saying I'll never get married?

No, I'm joking. Are you saying I'll never get married, though?

What? Are you saying I'm going to die alone?

No. Are you saying I'm going to be miserable my whole life? No. Are you

me ugly?

What? Are you saying that I'm a ugly sister?

No. Are you saying that I'm a ugly sister, though?

No. Oh, no, but I don't even care.

Yeah, but you... No, but I don't even care, mate. But he proposed to you as a

joke...

I ain't even bothered, though. You... I ain't even bothered. But you were

excited.

No, I wasn't, though.

Yeah, but you got up and did a dance, though. Yeah, I was going to do that

anyway. No, you weren't.

No, I was just busting some moves.

Me. No, because I was just busting some moves, though. Take the shade. No,

because I ain't even bothered. Yes, you are, though. No, I ain't even bothered.

Do I look bothered? Sorry, do I look bothered? Look at my face, right? Look

my face. No, you ain't looking at my face. No, look at my face. Look at my

right? No, just look at my face. Look at my face. Does any part of my face

bother? Does my face look bothered? Yep.

Right, are you blind?

Me. Right, are you a blind person? No. Right, is it that you can't... Can't

Right, do you read with your fingers?

Do you read with your fingers up?

Me, come on. Right, do you listen to books? Me. Is David Blunkett your dad?

You think that can take your dog into Marks and Spencer?