Original subtitles

Have I told you about the fancy dress?

No. I've not told you about the fancy dress?

No, you ain't, babe. The fancy dress party when I was living at me mum's? No.

told you? You ain't told me. Mum, he said I ain't told him about the fancy

party.

She must have told you about the fancy dress party.

No, she ain't. He says you ain't. I have told him. She says she has told you.

She ain't told me. She ain't told you.

A fancy dress party, that's what happened.

Wait, and a fancy dress party?

No. Can you imagine?

Don't make me laugh.

Don't start me off. Don't start him off.

Don't start him off.

Here we go.

I nearly died, it was so funny.

I was in agony.

I'm ready for this.

I've done it for him.

Go on, Dave.

Melanie has come as Shirley Temple licking a big lollipop and tap dancing

over the cafe.

Melanie Baker, mum's friend from aerobics. Working the multiplex. Got a

double pawed.

She's done that fun run dressed as a bottle of Cinzano.

I forgot to get sponsored.

because she must be a lemon stone.

Anyway, halfway through the day, she says she ain't posh bar, she's Carol

Vorderman. Before she went on the detox, I nearly died.

She was walloping herself around the kitchen saying, consonant or vowel, it

lethal.

Lisa Jackson, she's got it, she ain't got a costume and wants to know if she

puts some ink toner on her face, can she come as Ainsley Harriot?

She can't say that. She don't mean nothing by it, she's stepping one ear.

It's a classic.

Lunchtime, right?

I've sent me mum down to Sainsbury's to get the food. I'd have gone myself, but

I promised Shelley I'd do her highlights before the party because she wanted to

come with Kylie and I said I'd do what I could, but I couldn't promise nothing

because she's got hair like cotton wool.

So, I've gone on with the list. I've got a specific instruction to get four bags

of sausage rolls, eight bags of chicken drumsticks and an unwashed lemon.

Stop it!

Well, you know what she's like when she gets in the shop. Guaranteed, she's

going to bump into someone she knows. And when she starts yapping, that's it.

List or no list, game over. It is out of control.

What are you like?

You know what she's like.

What are you like? You know what I'm like.

She's come back from the shop. She's put the bag on the table. We've opened the

bag. We've looked in the bag. What's in the bag? A tray of vegetarian chipolatas

and a strawberry cheesecake.

of both of them like this.

We're all looking at each other like this.

You know what she's done, don't you? What's she done?

She's bought the wrong thing.

Oh, my God. I know.

You are mental.

Stop it. I'm going to wet myself.

I'm going to wet myself as well.

I have wet myself.

What's an unwaxed lemon?

Elaine Figgis is one of a growing number of women prepared to go to

extraordinary lengths to find love.

Sadly, however, last year she suffered a setback when her husband of nine days

was electrocuted on death row in his Texan penitentiary.

But Elaine hasn't given up.

This is Gummidge.

He's my computer.

Although don't call him a computer.

He'll take offence.

My friend Tex at line dancing class, that's his country name, his real name's

Roland, he says that Gummidge is my global pimp.

Not exactly sure what a pimp is, to be honest, although I know Gladys and I had

three of them.

Oh, hang on.

Paolo's just signed on.

I'd better just tell him I'm busy, otherwise I'll never hear the last of

I've met people from all over the world.

Often this little chair.

America, Brazil, Australia, Africa even.

And where is Paolo from?

Reading.

Hank's just signed on.

He's from Wisconsin.

He's a lovely man, but he keeps sending me pictures of his penis.

Do you get a lot of that?

No, as I say, I don't get to meet many of them because of the distance

Oh, you mean pictures of them?

Oh, yeah, I get tons of them.

I don't encourage it, but very broad -minded.

Mind you, if it continues like this, I am going to have to get myself a bigger

hard drive.

Oh, hang on, who's this?

Oh, that's Kyle.

He's an actor.

Well, at least he says he is. Do you find a lot of people lie about

on internet chat rooms?

I think, at the end of the day, you have to take everything with a pinch of

salt. I mean, for example, this is the picture I use online.

Now, strictly speaking, that isn't actually me.

It's my friend Kath's daughter.

But we're both Sagittarius with Gemini rising, so...

You can't get much closer than that.

OK, what time does the film start?

Two o 'clock. Right, we've got enough time.

Hi, guys.

Welcome to BBJ's.

I'm your waitress for today. My name's Amanda, but my friends call me Zebedee.

I'm a fiery Taurian with my moon in Uranus.

Careful, I'll do the jokes.

Can we see the menus?

OK, guys, here's the deal.

I can give you the menus.

But we've got a special promotion on this week where if you can tell us what

we've got on the menu, you get entered into our special mind reader drawer.

We'll just have some menus if that's OK, thank you. Table nine, ducking out of

the mind reader drawer.

OK,

guys, here's your menu.

And here's your menu, you cheeky little bunch of kids. What's your name?

Robbie. And how old are you, Robbie?

Eight.

When I was your age.

Okie dokie. And what does little Robbie want?

I want a Captain Octopus Fishburger, please.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Would you like soapy fries with that today for yourself?

What are soapy fries?

They're like curly fries, except they're straight and they taste of soap.

Just normal fries.

I'll have a hot, hot, hot burger. Table nine, go.

is for apple yum yum and

Mummy doesn't sleep anymore, does she, Molly?

N is for no sleep for mummy.

R for sweetheart. Do you know what R is for? It's for rabbit.

Floppy, floppy bunny rabbit.

And really need to go to bed.

P is for parents.

F is for forever.

K, well, K can be loud. like kayak or silent

as in knackered.

I is for igloo. That's where the Eskimos live.

And also for I need to sleep so much I could vomit.

E is for bags under the eyes.

E is for exhaustion.

and eternal suffering evermore, and... elephant.

Good morning.

Oh, hi. How's it going?

Very well, thank you.

Been here long?

Five or ten minutes.

Oh, you may as well bed yourself down for the night, then.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I didn't mean with me.

God, I'm not that easy.

I can see I'm going to have to keep my eye on you, aren't I?

No, I just mean we're really understaffed at the moment.

Really? Sorry, where am I managed?

Would you like a rhubarb and custard?

Not for me, thank you. Well, I'm not a big fan of boiled sweets myself, but

nice to have something to suck on in between blanket baths, you know what I

mean?

to answer that.

It must

be

a relief to find time for a break. Oh, God, no. We're too busy for breaks.

No, I've just been sent here to meet a new member of staff.

Oh? Any luck finding her?

Her?

She's a her.

Female doctor. More trouble than they're worth, if you ask me.

I take it you get on better with the male doctors, then?

Well, how can I put it?

They don't allow pets in here, but I've had a cockatoo. You know what I'm

saying?

I just thought,

you're not a doctor, are you?

No, I'm not a doctor. Why?

No, it's just that you have that look about you, you know, the look of

authority.

Can be very attractive in a man, if you know what I mean.

You're very kind.

You must have a continual supply of admirers. Well, I am seeing someone here

the moment, but it's not common knowledge.

I don't kiss and tell.

Good for you.

I shag and shout.

To see an attractive man around the place without a wedding ring.

Oh, I'm married. I just don't wear a ring.

Oh, I see what you're saying.

You like to keep your options open.

No point in being in a stable if you can't ride a few of the horses, you

mean, no.

You do much riding?

Sorry, I was talking about sex.

Yes, I know.

Oh, nice one.

Well, you know, you're only young once.

Mind you, you can play many a good tune on an old fiddle, if you know what I

mean.

I was talking about sex again. Yes, I know.

Great. So how about me and you have a bit of a fiddle tonight, then? Say seven

'clock?

You could pick me up outside eight.

Ah, Bernie.

I see you've found each other.

Dr. Walker, I got your memo about the new doctor, but I'm very sorry, she's

here yet.

What do you mean, she?

Dr.

Hilary Donovan.

Bernie, this is Sir Hilary Donovan.

What?

Sir Hilary?

You said you weren't a doctor.

And I'm not, I'm a surgeon.

I do hope that hasn't been bothering you, Sir Hilary. On the contrary, she's

been more than friendly.

Thank you, Your Majesty.

Shall we?

Yes, let's.

So, excuse me, Your Highness.

Are we still on for that fiddle at seven o 'clock?

Oh, please.

Nice one!

Have any of your online relationships turned into anything more serious,

Well, as you know, Tanya, I had met my Prince Charming.

But he was cruelly taken away from me.

Jerry, God rest his soul, was a one -off.

I was convinced no -one could ever take his place.

Until I met Mohamed.

Where is Mohamed?

He's in Egypt.

He's 24 and he sells spices outside Luxor Temple.

He looks so romantic.

I sometimes think I'm living in a Barbara Carlin novel.

How are you finding the cultural differences?

We've both had to make our sacrifices.

Mohammed's had to buy a six -month pass for his local internet cafe, and I've

had to change my religion.

That must have been a very big decision.

Not really.

I've had to change to halal meats.

I pray to the east five times a day.

And a couple of weeks ago, Mohammed told me I'm not allowed to do the lottery.

Still do the odd scratch card, I mean.

He's not a fundamentalist.

So has a date been set for the marriage?

Not yet.

No. We've not been without our setbacks.

I keep sending him money to keep him going till he sells his spy store, but

apparently Mohammed thinks that the man who delivers his post is a bit light

-fingered. Are you sure it's safe to be sending large amounts of money to

someone you've only been chatting to for a few weeks?

Tanya.

You've got to understand something about being a Muslim.

The word Islam actually means love.

I send him money, and he loves that.

All right, Nan.

Oh, hello, darling. There's enough surprise to find you here.

I didn't want you coming home to an empty flat. How are you? Not bad, thank

darling. It was very emotional, but, yeah, I'm all right.

Was it a big funeral?

Oh, it was beautiful.

Church was packed.

She had seven cars follow her. Seven!

I didn't think she knew that many people.

And you want to see the food they laid on. Oh, it was out of this world.

Here, sit down. I'll make you a cup of tea.

Yeah, I'm all right for the minute, thanks, lad.

I had a couple of Guinness when we came back from the ground.

I didn't want them, really, but young Charlie Fould got them for me and I

want to be rude.

No, of course not.

Oh, it don't seem real, does it?

I only see her last week. She was out there mobbing that landing.

Poor old Lena.

Still, it's happy release for her, though, I suppose.

Yeah.

She weren't never the same after her Jackie died.

She only went out once a week, got her pension, knocked it out on baby sham,

came back... Came back, sang the top of her voice till three o 'clock in the

morning, oh, I will miss her!

Did you manage to eat anything, or shall I make you something now?

No, I had little stomach while I was there, love, and a plate of bob, bacon

potato salad, bowl of jelly deals, nice bit of crusty bed, couple of sausage

rolls. You don't like to be rude.

I can't believe she's gone.

Come on, then. It'll be all right.

I suppose it'll be me next.

Now, don't talk like that.

She didn't have anyone, did she, poor old Lena?

She went from week to week without a living soul, come up and say, God help

that ain't no way to go, is it?

Oh, well.

Rest in peace, Lena, love.

She owed me money.

What? She owed me money, the woman.

What are you talking about?

I gave her 15 quid beginning last week. She never gave it back.

It hardly matters now.

What a fucking libertine.

As typical of her, that is. She hardly knew she was going to have heart attack

and die before she could pay you back.

Not fucking much.

Just leave it. I'll give you the money.

I don't want your money.

Don't you dare, don't you dare. I've got more money than the lot of you put

together.

Right. Well, you won't miss that 15 quid, then?

Yeah. Any more talk like that and I shall leave it all to the cats' home.

What about them old girls who leave all their money to the cats' home?

Oh, that do make me laugh.

What do the cats want with it?

Well, that's all sorted then. Would you like a cup of tea now? Yeah, lovely.

Oh, here's a good boy. Go and put the kettle on, that's it. Here.

We can have a couple of these with it and all.

You've not brought those back from the wake?

Course I did.

Didn't fancy them while I was there, but I knew I'd want some later.

Always the same whenever I have a drink. Always fancy a nice bit of cake a

couple of hours after.

Oh, that's beautiful.

God, I hope no -one saw you.

I'll get in there and put the kettle on you.

I won't let you have any of this, please.

Do you mind?

Very noisy.

Terribly distracting.

For goodness sake, we're trying to watch the film back here.

Honestly, I've never noticed. That's goodness.

Unbelievable.

Have you been eating garlic?

You're late.

Yeah, had to take the woman up to Uxbridge.

Only just got back. Oh, it has been chocker here.

Absolutely chocker, hasn't it, Vernon?

Yeah, you're lucky you just missed a rush.

Double cheeseburger?

Yes, please.

Double cheese for Neville?

Thanks, Vern.

Yeah, you missed it all go off earlier.

You'll never believe who was here.

Go on.

Oh, what a name. American woman.

Vernon, what's the name of that woman that was here earlier?

That big, blonde woman. Off the telly.

Off the telly, you say?

No, married to a funny -looking little bloke with ginger hair.

Madonna!

Right.

So what was she doing up here, then?

They were on their way to the garden centre.

She bought one of them bolt -together barbecues last Saturday and they're not

giving her enough nuts.

Well, couldn't she just got some nuts from B &Q?

Well, that's what I said, but she said they were funny size.

Anyhow, they have a burger each, get back in their car and it wouldn't start.

They run out of petrol.

Oh, dear.

Apparently, she knew they needed to fill up, but she wouldn't because they'd

been passing Esso garages and she only uses BP.

Is that a political thing?

No, apparently she's collecting the nectar points.

So anyway, Vernon gives a little ginger bloke a lift up to Sainsbury's Garage.

Meanwhile, I'm left here with her for 20 minutes and she starts banging on about

Iraq.

I said, don't talk to me about Middle Eastern policies. I met Geoff Hoon in a

cashing carry last Thursday. I'm up to here with it.

See you tomorrow.

See you later. Take care.

I believe, Elaine, that some of your friends are worried about you marrying a

man who lives 2 ,000 miles away and who you've only spoken to via the internet.

Tanya, this is the 21st century. People should realise anything is possible.

We've got cordless phones, compact discs.

I mean...

Just last night I was watching Sky Travel and they've got a chimpanzee in

Vegas who can ride a bike while smoking a cigar.

We're not living in the dark ages anymore.

So what's the plan?

Well, the plan is I meet Mohamed at Heathrow and then we go straight to the

registry office and get married.

Oh, it's from Mohamed.

No last -minute nerves, I hope.

No. No, I just asked him to let me know if the money I sent him yesterday went

into his bank account.

How much did you send him, Elaine?

Well, what with tomorrow's airfare and various bits and bobs, it did come to a

couple of thousand at the time.

What did the text say?

Hmm?

Yes.

He's a man of very few words.

And not all of those are in English.

I must be mad.

I've got to go and pick up my outfit, and yes, it is very special, and no, you

can't get a sneak preview.

Right, I shall see you lot tomorrow.

Once more into the bridge, dear friends.

Lauren, I'm sure you don't like staying behind any more than I do.

But until you learn to focus more when you're in class and do the work set for

the lesson, you're going to stay behind and do it in your own time.

Are you Northern, Miss?

Excuse me?

You're from the North, innit? Do your work, Lauren.

Are you Northern or that?

Why do you ask, Lauren?

Because you speak funny, is it? That's enough.

I'm only asking a question.

Can't I ask a question? I'm only asking a question, that.

I'm from Bristol, Lauren.

Does that answer your question?

Yeah.

Good.

Are you a farmer, me?

Lauren. Are you a farmer, then? Don't be ridiculous.

You talk like a farmer. Carry on with your work.

Why do you talk like a farmer, then? Lauren, I'm not going to tell you again.

you live on a farm, me? Lauren, be quiet. Lucy, are you the farmer's wife?

you don't be... Are you the farmer's wife? No, I'm not.

Are you on McDonald's, me? Don't be... Do you know how much... Stop this. E -I

-E -I -O, miss. Stop this nonsense.

You know perfectly well I'm not a farmer. Now, get back to your work

immediately.

Not being funny or nothing, miss, but you do smell like a farmer. Now, that's

enough.

Is it the pig's thrill?

Right, miss, do you eat pig's thrill? Be quiet!

I am not from the north and I am not a farmer. Now, let that be the end of it.

No doubt you think yourself very amusing, but look around, Lauren.

No -one's here to see your little show.

Now, I suggest you pick up that book.

And start reading.

Because you are well on your way to coming bottom of your whole year.

And I'm bothered.

But I ain't bothered. But I ain't bothered. Can you look at my face? Look

face. Is my face bothered? Is my face bothered? You sound ridiculous.

You sound like a farmer.

You're making a fool of yourself.

I don't care because I ain't bothered.

Lauren, stop this. I ain't bothered. Right now. Come on. Look, farmer.

Stop it, please. Stop it.

You're 15 years old and you don't even know where Bristol is. That needs to

know. I'm a farmer. Right, that's it.

I'm washing my hands of you. I've had just about enough of this.

Read the book.

Don't read the book.

It's not my problem anymore.

Me?

Have you got a guy in middle school who cares, miss?

I can't forget A trace of pleasure or regret Maybe my treasure

or the price I have to pay She may be

the song that summer sings Maybe the chill that autumn brings

Maybe a hundred different things Within the measure

of a day