Original subtitles

Here he is.

Hiya, Nan.

You come up and see me? Yeah. You come up and see me, ain't ya? Yeah.

I noticed that. You all right?

Not bad, son.

Here, I'll do your pillows.

Oh, you are the good boy coming all this way to see me.

Well, I've got to make sure you're keeping out of trouble, haven't I?

Oh, I don't know what I'd do without you, sweetheart, really, I don't.

I mean, I'd be dead on my fucking back if I had to lie to you so hard.

Nan, that's not fair.

And that fat woman was here again yesterday.

Oh, with her library books.

Oh, she does look well. You've seen her. She comes waddling in here, pushing

that trolley.

Nan, don't be like that. She's a volunteer.

Who is it?

She's a volunteer. She don't get paid to bring the library books round.

She don't get paid?

No. Fucking busybody.

Nan.

She said to me... She said to me, you look bored. Mrs.

Taylor, I've got three words for you. Barbara Taylor Bradford.

I said, yeah, I've got three words for you, love. Calorie -controlled diet.

No, but you mustn't be so wicked.

She don't get nothing for coming up here, that woman. She don't get a penny.

She does that all out of the goodness of her heart.

A big, lard -coated...

I've brought a friend of mine to see you, but if you're going to be like

I'll tell her not to bother coming in.

What do you mean? Is it a girl?

Yes. Oh, thank God for that.

Oh, darling, what a relief.

Oh, Maud, Maud, do you hear that? He's got a girl coming up.

Panic over.

Oh, you have made me happy because you worried the fucking life out of me the

way you chitter like your hair sometimes.

Nan, she'll be here in a minute and I don't want you being rude.

No, me?

What? I won't say nothing.

I'm only too pleased you ain't a theatrical.

It's just, there's something she's a little bit sensitive about.

Oh, has she got spots?

No, she hasn't, but if you notice anything about her, I don't want you to

mention it.

Oh, she ain't Welsh, is she?

Now, look, it doesn't matter what it is, she's lovely and I really like her, so

please don't say anything.

She's a dwarf!

I suppose it's better than nothing.

She... She ain't here already, is she?

No, she isn't. And I won't bring her in unless you promise

to behave yourself.

May I never move on my first Holy Communion. I welcome her with open arms,

Whatever makes you happy, that's all I care about, sweetheart.

Thanks, Nan. She's just outside. I'll bring her in.

Hey, I'm old.

She's outside still.

He's bringing her in there. Isn't it lovely?

Oh, cool.

I have to give her a couple of fig rolls. I mean, you've got to offer them

ain't you?

Now, Mrs. Cheryl.

Glory be to God!

Now, then.

Are you OK, Mrs. Taylor?

Cut that!

I hardly fucking miss you, love.

She gets a bit disorientated.

Oh, I know. It's horrible when you're not feeling well.

I'm just getting over a really bad cold.

I must have nearly killed you!

Right, Nan.

What do you do for tissues, love?

Oh, God.

I mean, them little pocket -sized ones, they ain't going to be any good to you,

are they?

Nan, please.

Here, I've got a couple of old sheets in my heading cover.

You're welcome to them if you want them.

what she don't mind. Me, do you, Cheryl?

Course not.

I'm full of admiration for you, sweetheart. I mean that.

Come on, we'll go.

I mean, fair's fair.

It takes a lot of character to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and

still walk outside your door with a great big walloping snout like that.

I couldn't do it.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Where'd you go, in general?

I'll be up in the morning. All right, go on then. Feel like that once you're sat

down.

Air mode.

What a beautiful girl.

Right, that's all good for you. There's your card.

Thank you, dear. Let me just go over the main details of the holiday.

Details, dear. Yes, dear.

So, that's two weeks in Ibiza, half -board at the Adonis Apartments. Your

includes flight, airport tax and all transfers.

Passengers flying are Mr Derek Leslie Fay and Mr Leonard Mintzing.

Now, as the holiday's for two men, the computer's automatically given you a

room with two beds.

I'm afraid our booking system is still a bit archaic in that respect.

Would you like me to change it to a double bed for you?

I beg pardon?

Your apartment has two single beds. Would you like a double instead?

What on earth are you insinuating?

Sorry, I just assumed... How very...

What has the world come to when two men can't enjoy a simple holiday together

without being accused of sexual perversion?

Well, I never said anything about sexual perversion. My mother and I have been

coming to this travel agent for 25 years, and in all that time, I've never

accused of taking deliveries up the back passage.

I'm very sorry, Mr. Fay. I seem to have misjudged the situation.

Who, dear? You, dear? Miss Judge, dear? Yes, dear.

Thanks for my tickets and bid you good day, dear.

Come on, Leonard.

Double bed?

How very dare you!

Cannot just make sure we have got the four -man jacuzzi on the balcony,

we? Yes, that's booked for you. Thank you, dear.

Just like to thank you all for coming here today on this the happiest day of

life I

Won't stay long because I know everyone wants to crack on with the dancing But

just before we do I thought I'd tell you about the second happiest day The

day that Victoria agreed to marry me now

I thought it was going to be a holiday for us both on this lovely Greek island.

Get off!

And we went to this lovely little restaurant overlooking the sea, and I

a seafood platter. Now, unbeknown to Victoria, I took the waiter aside and

him the engagement ring and asked him to put it on the claw of the lobster.

Come on!

Now, when the moment arrived, I brought the platter over to the lid, put it down

in the middle, lifted up the lid, and there... John asked me to marry him, and

said yes!

In a nutshell.

Yeah.

Is that it?

Yes. Great!

Is it my turn now? Don't touch me.

Let's start by apologising for my husband's fucking dull story.

He gets a bit carried away sometimes.

John proposed to me seven times.

Seven! A lesser man would probably have given up by around the fourth, but not

my John.

Not my little Johnny.

He just kept banging away.

until finally, to save him any more humiliation, I said yes.

There comes a time in every woman's life when she says, oh, all right, for God's

sake, I'll marry you.

It's only for a bit of peace and quiet.

When John first got up to speak,

which one of the seven proposal stories he was going to tell and I thought,

Christ, I hope he doesn't go through them all because although the ring on

end of the lobster claw is probably the best, it's still shit.

But you know what they say, darling.

Seven times lucky.

Do they say that?

I know. what you're thinking she's had a few too many well

i'm here to tell you i've had a few a few too many i don't know

i shall let you be the judge of that because i know how much you all enjoy

judging to date i have had 39

In 15 active years.

I just wish I could remember what number John was.

£5 ,000 on rent.

No more bets.

It's red.

Yes! Yes!

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, it's not red, it's black.

Do you see how all the colours sort of merge when they go around?

Hi, guys.

Welcome to BBJ's.

I'm your waitress for today. My name's Amanda, but my friends call me Zebedee.

I'm a fiery Taurian with my moon in Uranus.

Careful! I'll do the jokes.

and holds the current BBJ's record for taking only 45 seconds to eat a full can

of scruffy cream without being sick.

I think we're just going to share a pizza, thank you.

If we're talking pizzas, I'm going to have to go and get Pedro, the pizza

waiter. Well, we know what we want.

Mamma mia, what are you on about? I was having a nice little sleep, I know that.

Oh, hi, Pedro.

We were just wondering if you knew what pizza... have we had today?

Sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but do we really need to go through all this?

Only we know what pizza we want. Oh, did you hear that, Pedro?

These people haven't got time to listen to you, so you're going to have to go

straight back into my apron.

Mamma mia!

Not back into the apron! Not that!

Please!

Um,

can we just have a jungle pizza with two Diet Cokes, please? Mamma mia! It's

going to take more than a...

apologize to these ladies. Please, can we just order one large jungle pizza?

I'd never go and work on a kibbutz.

Right. Sorry, do you mind if I just get on with this?

Imagine what it would do to your hair.

Look, I really need to get this done.

My hairdresser was saying about my hair that going to a hot country would be

really damaging for it.

And he should know.

Should he?

He's very well travelled.

Sorry?

My hairdresser, he's seen a lot of things.

Have the lovely complexion. Great.

Beautiful accent.

Really?

Guess where it comes from.

Oh. Go on, have a guess where my hairdresser is from.

I really have no idea.

You'll never guess.

What's the point?

Because it's fun.

Have a guess. I have no idea.

From whence does he hail?

I really don't have time for this.

I don't think so.

Liverpool.

Is this a perm?

Denmark. Denmark? It's not a mullet.

Hastings.

I need a haircut.

You need more than a haircut, you scab -faced old trout.

No more bedclothes.

When you start to think of how many different men you slept with.

Because it makes you wonder, do I have a type?

Well, I realise I don't have a type.

Unless you can count they all wore shoes.

No, but seriously.

They all did have one big thing in common.

And it's not what you're thinking because I'm including John in this.

Very conscientious about contraception.

Even though I'm on the pill, they always insisted that we should also use a

condom.

Now, I thought, that's amazing, isn't it? Because subconsciously, I've always

been attracted to sort of sensitive, caring, new age kind of men.

You know, I care about my body, you care about my body.

And it turns out they just didn't want to have ginger kids.

I don't know if there are any other ginger people out there today, are

Do you know any ginger people?

Yes, you do, but they're not here, are they? Because they've got no friends.

They're all at home, gnawing on a toilet.

I know there's a few liberal people out there going, no, no, no, no.

Let the ginger babies be born.

Just don't let them grow up and live next door to me.

We don't want them bringing down our house prices, cluttering up our nice

-lined streets with their empty bowls of sunblock.

What do you think?

I remember when we met, me and him.

He said to me, presumably it was some sort of a compliment, he said,

I really like your c***.

I think it's very Elizabethan.

Oh, Elizabethan.

What's that? Oh, yes.

Bad teeth and syphilis.

Still, the shag's the shag, I thought.

You've got to take it where you can get it when you look like Mick Hartnell.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It's been over two months since my last confession.

Speak, my child.

Take your time. There's no rush.

Whatever it is inside that's troubling you, just let it go.

Just let it go.

That's all right. It's very stuffy in here. I'm going to come back later.

Oh, my God. What does she look like with them boobs?

They're well fake, innit?

They're too big for her head, though.

They've got a nice shape, though.

They're not even the same size, innit? Maybe the left one was cheaper, is it?

Well, you know, they explode when you go on the London Eye.

I'm definitely getting them when I'm older.

You are so dry.

No.

What's it say?

Ryan and Lauren.

You got beef with that?

No, I just didn't know you was doing it. What's your beef? I ain't got beef.

Is it that you've got beef with that? I ain't got no beef.

You have got beef.

Did it hurt?

About three hours of it.

But love is pain, isn't it?

I can't believe it.

That's nothing.

Look at that.

I know you done that.

He's getting one of my face on his chest and Ryan and Lauren on his wrist. We're

like Bonnie and Clive. It's Clyde. Whatever.

All right, shut up. It's coming, it's coming, it's coming.

All right?

All right.

Listen, I was thinking that we shouldn't see each other no more.

I need to concentrate on my emceeing and stuff.

Yeah, that's fine.

Did you get your tattoo, though?

What tattoo?

She got a tattoo.

No, I ain't. She got a tattoo of your face, though. No, I ain't, no.

But yes, you have, though. No, I ain't, no. But yes, you have, though. No, I

ain't. But it's there, though.

Why don't you shut up, though?

That is well bad.

Oh, my God.

You have got tattoos of him all over your face.

bothered. Take the shame, no.

No, because I ain't bothered.

But you've got his name on his face on your body though.

Are you deaf?

But are you a deaf? No.

Oh, it's been non -stop here.

Absolutely non -stop, hasn't it, Vernon?

Yeah, you're lucky you just missed the rush.

Double cheeseburger?

Yes, please.

Double cheese for Neville.

Thanks, Ferg.

Yeah, you missed all the action.

Never believed we was here.

Go on.

Not Gorbachev.

Was it Gorbachev?

I didn't recognise him at first because he got off a minibus.

You, Soviet president, 85 and 91.

Oh, yes, I know that now.

Anyway, I said, you've only got a couple of miles to go before you get to Wigan

services, but he said they're on their way to watch the rugby. He's had a few

cans and he's busting.

Who is he going to see?

Who are they playing? West Pole. So, Vern goes round to drain the fat.

You'll never guess what.

He's weed over Vern's onions.

Mikhail Gorbachev peed over your onions?

I know.

We had to throw off the wine.

Any sauce?

No,

this is fine.

Can I settle up with you on Friday?

It's funny, actually, when I sit here and I listen to John say how happy

he is that we're married and how much he loves me, because like most of us in

this room, I've got a sneaking suspicion that John

is gay.

Something that both he and his family are very, very quick to deny.

I must say how wonderful it is to see so many of my husband's family here today.

No, I'm very touched.

My father -in -law, James.

Hello, sir.

Who I know is very, very proud that his baby boy has married such a freeloading

ginger gypo.

I believe your words, James.

My mother -in -law, Janice.

One, two, one, two, my mother -in -law's so fat.

But she is.

And by contrast, my sister -in -law, Susan, was a very thin

woman. She's so thin.

In fact, she's so thin, we weren't actually sure whether or not she was

today.

But I know that she's out there.

Because I can smell the sick.

No,

no, no, no. Don't talk about the bulimics.

It's a disease.

I'd also like to thank our best man, Jason, who flew in all the way from

Sydney to be here today and in true Antipodean style... said to me,

just before the ceremony, how are you, love?

You look great in white.

Have I got any chance of shagging you?

And I said, well, you didn't have, but you do now, you smooth -talking bastard.

I should like to thank you all for coming and finally propose a toast.

To me.

And all who sail in me.

I

went

to the theatre last night.

Phantom of the Opera.