All language subtitles for the_catherine_tate_show_s01e02

It's from Martin and Vicky.

Typical. Paula.

It's from your mum.

I've lost my mum.

Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that.

It just creeps up at you at the most
peculiar time.

Did she have a good inning?

She's not dead. I just can't find her.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you meant...
It's OK. We just got split up somewhere

along the way.

to make an announcement?

I don't see why not. What would you like
to say about it?

No, I mean, do you have a speaker system
or something?

A speaker system?

Yes, to make an announcement about my
mother.

A speaker system to make an announcement
about your mother.

They'd probably think that was a bit of
a waste of money.

Unless he gets lost here on a regular
basis.

Well, OK, do you have a meeting point?

Well, I know some people meet out the
front near the bus... But they're mainly

kids.

No, I mean, do you have a meeting point
for lost people?

Well, if they're lost, they probably
won't find it.

She'll be 83 at the weekend. I don't
know what to do.

I wouldn't have a surprise party.

She doesn't want any sudden shock that
that is, does she?

Does she like muffins?

What? You know... Are there shops that
sell muffins and cookies?

I don't know. Is there one of those
shops on this floor?

Oh, I'm not sure.

You can usually smell them, can't you?

What, the muffins? No, old people.

Somebody must be lost.

Yes, come in, Bernie. Sit down.

I bought you a toffee -flavoured
chocolate to surround the afternoon.

Not for me, thank you, Bernie.

Right, should I ask Mark if he wants one
only? I'm not sure I could manage two.

Unless this was going to be a long
meeting, in which case I might just get

Snickers from the machine as well. No,
Bernie, just put the drinks on the desk

and sit down.

Right. One of these have got three
sugars in it. Bernie, do you know why

asked it for you today?

Would it be about last night?

Yes, I'm afraid it is about last night.

Your birthday stunt may have gone
unnoticed had the Xerox machine not

You can imagine, Dr. Barker, shall we
say, surprised when trying to photocopy

his memos this morning was presented
with 40 black and white A3 enlargements

your bottom.

I can't explain that, Sister Ashley. You
know how they came about.

Not only that, it now seems the copier
has gone into shock.

and can print nothing but A3
enlargements of your bottom.

Sister O 'Brien is having to copy out
the rotors by hand as we speak.

Right, I mean, I can explain that,
sister, no problem. You know, how that

about, like... Please, be my guest.

Right.

Oh, what now?

Well, I mean, there was no harm done.
You know what us girls are like when we

get together.

I bet you're a bit of a dark horse
yourself when you get going, you know

mean?

my position, Bernie.

What am I supposed to tell Dr.

Barker when he asks why there are
several dozen copies of your backside

circulating on various male wards?

It was just for the crack, sister.

That's supposed to be funny, Bernie.

No, sister.

Oh, no, that's still too hot.

We've also had a Mr Blackwood who's
complained about you.

He's complained about me? Something you
said while giving him a blanket bath.

Something about a boat.

Sweet Mother of Jesus, was I trying to
raise the Titanic?

My very sister.

I really feel you've let us all down
this time, Bernie, not just yourself.

I'm afraid I've no choice but to give
you a written warning.

Raindrops and roses and... Right harbour
tassels and one wooden mitten. Brown

paper packages tied up with string.

These are a few of my favourite things.
Bernie. When the dog bites.

When the bee stings. Bernie, what are
you doing?

I was just trying to lighten the
situation.

Take these.

Make sure you read them.

Sign them both.

Keep one and hand the other in at the
main office.

Now, if you'd like to get back to your
work.

Oh, God,

this one's yours. Get out!

Margaret, did you want me?

Is that you, darling?

Hello, Nan.

It is.

You all right?

Yeah, lovely.

You come out and see me? Yeah.

Come out and see me, ain't ya? Yeah. I
know it's sex.

Oh, you are a good boy.

Yeah. You are a darling child.

Hey, Nan.

Yes? You've seen Jean lately.

Oh? Jean.

Jean? Yeah, have you seen her?

Jean who?

Jean. Jean.

Who's Jean?

How many Jeans do you know?

I don't know no Jeans.

Do you really not know any Jeans? Jean
from over the road. Jean Baker, you went

to school with her mother. Oh, yes.

Is she called Jean?

Do you know who she is?

What about her?

Have you seen her?

No. What happened to her?

Nothing happened to her. I'm asking you
if you've seen her lately.

I ain't seen her.

You've not seen Jean?

No.

You've not seen Jean from over the road?
No.

Are you sure?

Course I'm sure. What's the matter with
you?

I ain't seen no one, have I? I ain't
seen a living soul. I ain't been outside

door. So you've definitely not seen
Jean?

Oh, what are you, a fucking dancer?

I haven't seen no fucking Jean.

Hey, God forgive me for swearing. Now,
you made me do that.

All right.

You're obsessed.

No, it's just that I saw her on my way
over here, and usually she's very

friendly, but today she just ignored me.
Are you sure you haven't seen her? Who?

Jean.

Oh, yes, I've seen her.

I knew you had. What did you say to her?

Ain't she got fat?

Man. Oh, ain't she fat, that woman?

You seen her lately?

Oh, she is a size.

big, walloping article.

Oh! You seen it? She looks like an
elephant walking along the street.

Great, big, fat arse.

What a liberty.

I shouldn't have to look at that.

She's got a fat back and all, ain't she?

She's got a fat back, the woman.

Great, big, fat, dirty, airy, sweating
back.

Terrible, isn't it? Oh, that is very
unfeminine on a woman.

Don't you say things like that about
people.

Oh, no.

Not at my house, dear, no, no.

She has gotten 18.

Just older.

Has she?

Oh, she has. She can't fucking stop.

Mum, what did you say to her?

Well, I never said nothing.

You didn't say anything?

No.

Nothing you might have forgotten?

No, not me, dear.

Nothing to upset her? No, no.

Are you sure?

Oh, it's like a mental illness for you,
isn't it?

How many more times?

On my first Holy Communion, by all the
saints in heaven, as God is my judge, I

never said nothing to her.

Except what you said.

What?

Well, I just told her what you say.

That's all.

What do you mean, what I said? What are
you talking about? You know, what you

said about her husband.

That's all I said.

I didn't say anything about her husband.

Yes, you did.

You said her husband looks like a
murderer.

That's all I said.

What? No, I didn't. Now, don't you lie
to me, son.

May I never move? You sat there and you
said, her husband looks like Charles

Manson.

I said her husband looks like Charles
Bronson.

Ah.

I thought you said Manson.

Only I see a programme about him. That's
what made me think of it, see?

You've seen what he's done, haven't you?
Oh, terrible, that is. That is

dreadful. Oh, my God.

Well, that's what I'm trying to tell
you.

Stop talking about people.

Mind your own business.

Keep that out of it and keep that shut.

I mean, the poor man, he can't help what
he looks like, can he?

I mean, all right, he's got a moustache.

Don't mean he's going to fucking kill no
one.

I can't believe you, Nan. Oh, she was
terribly upset when I told her that, the

woman. Well, it's not a nice thing to
hear, is it, you know? It was unexpected

and all, you see, I was shocked.

And to top it all, I don't think she
sees a resemblance to herself.

but the shop I bought it from's closed
down.

Oh, bad luck.

What?

I hate that. It's exactly the sort of
thing that happens to me.

Well, what am I supposed to do with it?
It's the wrong size.

You could try wearing it over your
shoulders, but please, not it.

No, you don't understand.

It's no good to me. I don't want it.

Oh, that's very kind.

Um... Oh, I don't... Don't you think
that would suit me?

No, I want to take it back to the shop.
Do you know where they've gone?

Who's that?

The people that run the shop.

Well, if the shop's closed down, they've
probably just... gone home.

You won't believe what's happened to me
today.

What? Well, when I tell you this, that's
it. You'll leave me.

I'll pack my bags off.

Yeah, you'll be right to.

Come on, let's hear it. This is a
classic.

What are you going to say?

This morning, you said to me, didn't
you? You said, what have you got on for

today? That's right. And I said, well, I
think I'll go out early, avoid the

crowd, because I wanted to take your
Bermudas back to Marksies.

Oh, what's happened?

I've come back about 25 to 12, and as I
put the key in the door, I've noticed

something on the floor.

What, on our floor? Yeah, like a note or
something.

Wait, it couldn't have been the post?

No, of course not.

Because that came before our lift. And
before your lift, didn't it?

No, it's like a letter thing.

Oh, not a love letter, was it?

Shut up, love letter.

Oh, I don't like the sound of this.

Who was it? George Clooney, I suppose.

Yeah, yeah, he was begging me to run
away with him again.

What do you mean, again? What, you run
away with him before, did you?

What? Eh?

Shut up, have I?

Your face!

Oh, I bet I've gone all red now, haven't
I?

Oh, look at you. You look like a
beetroot, you do.

He won't want me now, will he? Not
looking like that.

He'll say, not today, thanks, and send
me home. Yeah, back to mugging, dear.

Oh, you poor dog.

It wasn't really him.

It was from the post office.

What day was it?

It was one of them we call today things,
but you weren't here.

No! Yes, that's what I thought.

I thought we weren't expecting nothing,
were we?

I don't think so.

Yeah, we were.

Were we?

Have a think.

I don't know.

You'll die when I tell you.

I can't think.

What have I been waiting for?

What's the one thing I've been waiting
to be delivered?

Not your catalogue.

Me catalogue?

I thought you'd have delivered your
catalogue.

Went out early, didn't I? Oh, you make
me die!

I should be locked up, shouldn't I?

So what did you do?

Well, I've had to ring him up, haven't
I? Oh, what must he think?

He must think I'm a lunatic!

So what did you say?

I said... Oh, I was so embarrassed.

I said, I'm sorry, but I weren't home
when you came round my house this

to deliver me catalogue.

I said, I've been waiting for it for
ages, I can't believe I forgot.

Only I went out early to run a few
errands and I completely slipped my

I said, you must be a mental.

What'd they say?

Well, it was only one of them recorded
voices, weren't it? And I said, no.

It was.

Yeah. I'm chatting away, you know, and
then it said, press two to speak to an

operator.

What are you talking to recorded voices
for, babe?

I don't know.

When I've realised I've gone off,
haven't I? I couldn't stop. I was

much. Oh, we should have been there.

Oh, my God.

When I... I finally got through to
someone. I said to the woman, don't

but I've been talking to that recorded
voice thinking it was someone at the

other end. Only you came round to me to
deliver something and I'd gone out early

not thinking. She said, it's all right,
we can come back tomorrow.

I've got off the phone, I've had to sit
down, I was so worn out.

How are you not famous?

I genuinely do not know.

It's nice. Very nice.

Thank you. We think it's nice.

Nice?

It's certainly nice.

It's very, very nice.

I've just been out in the garden, and
I'll tell you something.

They've made it very nice.

Thank you.

Well, it was overgrown when we bought
it, but Terry's very good with plants.

Terry, your husband?

Ma.

Is he making an offer?

Well, we haven't... It's on for...
What's it on for?

250 ,000.

Is it really?

Yes. You valued it for us.

Did I really?

Yes. It's very competitively priced for
the market.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

She'll take 240 for it, because let's...
Face it, you're going to have to spend

a couple of thousand pounds on it just
to get rid of the smell of...

Sex.

Could we, uh... Oh,

it's pretty standard. Three bedrooms.
Well, two and one cupboard you could

a kid in.

Have you got any children?

No. Oh, really? I'm so... Sorry, me and
my big mouth.

No, no, no.

It's all right. We can't have children.

It's just we decided against it.

Right.

Why don't I show you the kitchen?

Yeah, OK.

Oh, I love those units.

Chrome works so well in hell. I love it.
Thank you.

Jesus Christ.

What the hell have you done in here?

Terry put them in.

Terry, your husband.

Before he left.

in the kitchen. Well, that'll explain
the no children policy then.

I'm sorry.

Well, you know what they say about a man
who likes a bit of crumb in his

kitchen?

No, what do they say?

Likes a bit of cock up his arse.

You have a bad attitude and a filthy
mind.

I fail?

Do you dream about it?

Look... No kids, drives a big black
karaoke jeep, likes chrome, not to

mention the cheap aftershave and the
cropped hair.

You big old bender.

You are a disgrace to your profession.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm an estate agent.

What are you doing all dressed up for?

Going to that party, innit?

You ain't got no business wearing that.

What party?

Darren's party, innit?

It's got to be mush up.

I don't know nothing about no party.

You do. You fickle something. You told
us about it last week, didn't you?

Party tonight.

Saturday, innit?

All right.

All right.

You ready, Lee?

Yeah, listen, right? She didn't know
there was a party at all.

I know.

What do you mean you know?

She ain't invited.

What? I'm a buffers. Oh, don't worry
about it.

Why do you don't like it? You're not
invited, mate.

Am I bothered by it? But what are you
going to do? Nothing, cos I ain't

bothered. Well, yeah, but you could
just... Do I look like I'm bothered? No,

know. Do I look like I'm bothered by it?
All right, but I don't think... But

does my face look bothered?

Why don't... Is your face bothered?
Well, yeah, but why... Is your face

bothered? Why don't you dress cos I
ain't even bothered?

Do you want me to read? No, because I'm
not even bothered.

But... Ask me if I'm bothered.

Well... Ask me if I'm bothered. Ask me
if I'm bothered. Why... Ask me if I'm

bothered. Ask me if I'm bothered.

Are you bothered? No, this whole job's
bothered.

She don't care, just leave it.

Yes, she does, though.

She don't give, mate. Yeah, but she is
bothered.

Look, we got a chip,

She can't pitch up looking like that
anyway, isn't it?

Are you calling me a pikey?

Are you calling me a pikey now?

No, I'm just saying... Are you
disrespecting me?

No, I'm just saying... Are you
disrespecting my family?

Look, I just... Are you calling my mum
poor?

Oh, listen... I'm calling my dad a wino.
Just calm down, right? No, because my

dad's not even a wino. It's cool, right?
I am even a wino, though.

That was well out of order. I ain't
going now.

What? You're disrespecting people. I
don't need it. Ain't it, though?

But I didn't mean... I don't need it.

But I didn't mean nothing by it. She
don't need it. Look, I just... She don't

need it, mate.

Now, wait a minute. She ain't dying now.

You've only jacked her.

You've only jacked me.

Right, I'll go invite her, then. I'm
busting it. Yeah, well, she ain't

I think your dad's come to pick you up,
innit?

Elaine Figgis is 34 and lives in York.

She works part -time in a local bakery.

Over the past few years, she has been
corresponding via the Internet with

from all over the world.

She refers to them as her global family.

Her latest pen pal, however, has proved
to be something special.

Although they have never met, Elaine is
about to travel alone to America, where

they intend to marry.

How long will you be away?

Well, all in all, just over a week, but
even that's caused a few disruptions.

I've asked my friend Jackie to cover my
line dancing classes.

She's not actually qualified to teach,
but she and her husband Rex were

champions in 98, 99.

Plus, he's got those little boots with
the lights in the heel, which I think

will give us some status within the
group.

Jeremiah Wainwright III.

That's his full title.

And his other title, the title the media
have given him, is? The Cleaver.

That's right, yes.

Unfortunately, a few very small -minded
people have called him that.

Jeremiah can't come to England, can he?
He'll never be able to visit you in your

bakery because he's in Texas on death
row.

You won't call it death row.

What would you call it?

No, yes, it's death row.

So tell me about Jeremiah.

What can I say?

He is a beautiful man.

Beautiful person.

Most people would call him a cold
-blooded serial killer. I know, Tonya,

believe me, there is hope for those
people.

You say you've fallen in love with this
man, that's one thing, but how do you

condone mass murder?

Life is a journey, Tonya, and sometimes
we make a wrong turning. I know I have

in the past. That made me a bad person.

He abducted, tortured and murdered eight
people.

You don't know him like I know him.

Nobody does.

He also ate two of them.

Have you never done anything you regret?

I've never eaten anyone.

I do realise this isn't the typical way
that two people meet and fall in love,

but, you know, sometimes things happen
in life that nobody can explain.

I mean, some people really can't believe
it's not butter.

Elaine, let's be honest.

The man's a criminal.

He's more than that. He's a cannibal.
He's a dangerous lunatic.

A serial killer who's been put on trial,
found guilty, and is now incarcerated

in a dirty, lonely prison cell, waiting
to be put to death.

You're making it all sound a bit
negative.

There's always too many ready to judge.

When people hear about Jerry's chosen
path, they can't wait to jump on the

bandwagon. Oh, you're marrying a
cannibal.

Oh, he ate two people.

No, he didn't.

He ate a bit of one of them.

Which is a time when most of us are
experimenting with something new.

I know for a fact my cousin once tried
hashish.

And do you honestly think a man like
this is capable of love?

Not before.

That's because up until he had met me,
nobody had ever shown him love.

I taught Jerry how to love himself.

As Danny Kaye once said, you can't love
the world until you've settled for

yourself. Or as my dad used to say, the
man who can give himself a hug every day

truly has the arms of a gibbon.

Today I am Elaine Figgis.

Tomorrow I shall be Mrs.

Jeremiah Wainwright III.

It's been a long wait.

Haven't always been easy, but it's
definitely been worth it.

True love will conquer all.

Now, I'm only asking because it's what
people will be thinking. Will you have

any conjugal rights during your visit?

No.

Penitentiary regulations don't allow for
that sort of thing, but in a way it

doesn't really matter.

Obviously our relationship has never
been based on anything physical, and I

suppose you could say it's been a
meeting of minds more than anything

Plus, for 24 hours a day, he has to wear
a muzzle.

Hello, I'm looking for a broken window
service, someone reliable.

Wouldn't have thought you'd found
anybody too reliable that goes around

windows.

No, no, I need someone to replace a
couple of windows.

Oh, I don't know of anyone.

I've got a cousin who once got rid of an
old sofa for me, but he lives in Leeds,

I'm afraid.

No, no, I need a professional.

Like a hitman?

No, no, a professional window
replacement service. Oh, I am sorry!

You mean like a glazier? Yeah, yeah,
exactly.

Well, there's a very good company that
does same -day commercial and domestic

installations and repairs, and they're
called Heart of Glass.

Oh, right, excellent. And they're in
this shopping centre?

They're in this shopping centre. Are
they?

I thought you just said they were.

Oh, no, I didn't think so.

They're based near my cousin in Leeds.

Oh, no, I don't know of a glass company
in the shopping centre, I'm afraid.

Is there anything else I could help you
with? Yes, I also need a blind

specialist.

Somebody who fits and supplies blind.
Yes. No, we don't have one. Do you

get my pick of lily?

No, you didn't bother, did you? No.

I said, you get me a little jar of
pickle and a little bit, that's all I

I don't want a bucket load of it, do I?

Just a little bit to have with me
barbating. Oh, cos it goes on lovely.

tangy, but, nah, you didn't bother, did
you?

Nah, it's too much trouble, I suppose,
was it?

I didn't think it was too much to ask,
but, nah, it's too much trouble, innit?

Too much trouble for you, innit, eh?

Too much trouble for you!

I'll get it now.

What? I don't want it now!

Don't you bring it up here now. Don't
you bring it in this house.

You do. I tip it in the fucking bin.

I joke on it, you bring... No, no, it's
too late now.

No, to fucking lastminute .com now.

No, no.

Go on, piss off out of it, you.

What's the matter with you? Keep hanging
around me for it.

Right, I'll be off then.

You go on then, darling.

I'll see you tomorrow, though.

Yeah. Ta -ra. Ta -ra, Freda.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah.

That's it.

Leave me alone.

I don't think so.