Original subtitles

Ah, Carol, uh, send out these bills, and if Wanda calls, and she will, tell her

I'll pick her up tonight at 8. Is there a new Tooth Groupie in your life, Jer?

She happens to be very sophisticated, and she's over 80.

Sophisticated? She's almost dead.

What I meant was, she scored 80 out of 100 points on my female rating system.

Oh, and how did wonderful Wanda reach this pinnacle?

70 points for looks, and 10 points for intelligence.

10 for intelligence?

And she's going out with you?

I happen to be quite a catch.

So's the swine flu.

Jer, you may not be aware of this, but women have a rating scale for men, too.

Oh, yeah? Mm -hmm.

How would you rate, uh... You, Jer.

Oh, you are a solid 100.

Really? Of course, that's out of a million.

What are you getting worked on around here? Look at this place. It's like a

pigsty. Oh, you just lost 20 points.

Oh, Bob, can I ask you a question? I'm sorry, Carol. I'm late for group. No,

Bob, this will just take a minute. Now.

On the scale of 100, how would you rate?

Moi. I don't believe in ratings, sister. Please, Bob.

All right, I'll give you 10 for the sweater.

You're late, Bob.

Seven minutes late, I win the pool.

You let me down, Dr. Hardy. I thought you'd be on time.

I'm sorry. I'm not. Pay up.

Thank you. All right, why don't we pick up where we left off last session.

Oh, Hurd was crying in his beard because he's such a lousy salesman.

He's not a lousy salesman. He's just having a bad run of luck.

No, I'm a lousy salesman.

That's why I'm not selling anymore. I'm giving things away.

How is giving going?

Lousy.

Well, maybe people aren't interested in what you're giving away.

I'm giving away money.

The losers of the world have a new king.

You see, it's a bank promotion to get new women customers. I'm supposed to

them each a silver dollar, but they won't take it. Maybe you're using the

approach. Well, all I say is, hi,

you want a dollar?

Should work.

Well, they always want to know what the catch is.

I wish I had a better product.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, Mr. Hurd, but you're probably the most

pitiful example of a man I ever met, and that includes me.

Yeah, the last I heard, your mother -in -law was moving in on you.

Did you tell the old battle -axe to hit the bricks?

Mr. Carlin, I thought we had decided that one of the steps we were going to

to improve our relationships with women was to avoid terms like old battle -axe.

Yeah, but you also told us to stand up for our rights.

So come on, Peterson, what did you tell a fat cow?

Mr. Carlin, I think fat cow has a certain derogatory.

Actually, in her case, it's kind of complimentary.

What's that?

That's me.

What, you got a mouse in your pants?

It's my beeper.

It means Doris wants me to go and help my mother -in -law move in.

Coming, Doris.

I don't know why I put up with that stibbling bunch of cowards.

Well, Mr. Carlin, you have to have a little understanding. That's what this

group is all about. I mean, you all have a problem with women.

I don't have a problem with women anymore.

I just dump them.

You mean they dump you.

Don't tell me what I mean, warthog.

See, there again, warthog.

I'm really sorry.

Where was I?

You were being charming.

I dumped this girl last week and she broke a date with me three times. Said

there was an emergency at the hospital.

Well, they do have a lot of emergencies at a hospital.

She works in the gift shop.

You should have dumped her, Mr. Carlin. You're too good for her.

Mind your own business, bub.

That's telling me.

All right, let's stop the bickering. We still have a lot of time left in this

session. Let's try to get something out of it. I got something out of it

already. What?

The two bucks I want in the pool.

Would you like another dollar?

What's the catch?

You know, if we were going to build a house, you know what I'd like in it?

A big bathroom with a sunken tub.

And then in the living room, I'd like a concert grand piano and a fieldstone

fireplace.

And next to the pool, I'd like a little greenhouse.

Bob, what would you like?

I'd like one of those plastic shoe bags.

We always did have similar tastes.

Well, I guess that's why we have a perfect marriage.

Oh, I knew it was perfect. I just didn't know why.

You know, actually, Emily, we're lucky we agree on so many things. I'm working

with a group of men.

They can't agree with women on anything.

Well, let's face it, Bob. Men and women are different.

You're kidding.

Maybe you should have a woman in the group.

Yeah. She'd have to be a...

A strong woman.

A forceful woman.

A woman who's understanding, but at the same time... Sympathetic?

Yeah. And intelligent?

Intelligent's good.

Just that I don't know any women like that.

Unless you could be free tomorrow night at 8 o 'clock.

Uh -oh, wait a minute, Bob. Every time I've gotten involved in one of your

groups, it's backfired.

No, that's not true, Emily. You were great in my Fear of Strangers group.

Yeah, that's because everybody knew me.

Well, maybe that's a bad example. Anyway, I think it's important to get

point of view. Oh, I don't know, Bob.

Why? What will it take to get you in the group?

Build me a house.

Oh, no. The group is here already, and I haven't even had time to make coffee.

Emily, you're a member of the group, not a hostess. Yeah, Bob, but still. Emily,

don't worry about it. Now go greet your guests.

Hello, Mr. Hurd. Hi, Miss Hartley.

Would you like a dollar?

What's the catch?

Emily, take it. I'll take it, thank you. I won't bother you anymore.

So, where do I sit?

Sit wherever you're comfortable, Mr. Hurd.

Yeah, well, okay. I'll just go in the den.

We won't be using the den tonight.

Well, I'll just go wait in my car.

Mr. Hurd, just sit down.

Mr. Hurd?

Hi, Dr. Hartley. Oh, come on in.

Oh, hello, Mr. Peterson.

Hi, Mr. Carlin.

Uh, Dr. Hartley, could I talk to you a minute?

Sure. Your wife's here.

I know she's here a lot.

Why is she here tonight?

Well, I thought it would be beneficial to get the woman's point of view.

Why?

No, because men and women are different.

Only you could put it that way and get away with it.

I don't know, Dr. Hartley. I don't think she should be here.

Maybe she should wait in my car.

Let her stay. She can make the coffee.

She is not making coffee. Look, Bob, if this is going to be a problem, I can

just... Emily, I think it's important for you to be here.

All right, now tonight we're going to incorporate a new technique called role

play. What's that?

Well, that's where you play roles.

Yeah, we act out a situation in somebody's life.

Oh, yeah, we did that a couple of years ago in group. Laid an egg.

It didn't lay an egg.

You made me play a character that was stupid and totally obnoxious.

You were playing yourself.

Shut up, bean brain.

Why don't you blow it? out your nose.

Excuse me. You know, I don't mean to butt in, but I'm not surprised that you

can't relate to women. I mean, you can't relate to each other.

Emily, you're butting in.

I thought tonight we'd concentrate on Mr. Peterson's relationship with his

Thanks for a wonderful evening, but I gotta go.

You just came here. Yeah, but Doris will keep beeping until I get home.

I can take care of that.

Mr. Carlin, don't you think that's a little out of line?

A little.

Doris will kill me. Mr. Peterson, sit down, and we're going to try to

out your problem.

Now, when was the latest confrontation you had with your wife?

When I was leaving to come here tonight.

And who was there?

Me, Doris, my mother -in -law, and Walter Cronkite. Walter Cronkite?

We were watching the news.

Doris blames me for the crisis in the Middle East.

All right, let's recreate that situation.

I'll be the Suez Canal.

I meant the situation at Mr. Peterson's house.

Emily, you be Mrs. Peterson.

Either I play the leader or I walk.

Don't you think a woman should play Mrs. Peterson?

No, it's a man's part.

He's right.

Well, then, maybe I should play your mother -in -law.

Well, uh... Actually, Mr.

Hurd looks more like her.

You're just saying that.

Well, then who am I going to be?

Well, you get to play Walter Cronkite.

Bob, that's silly. I'm a woman. I can't be Walter Cronkite.

All right, then play Barbara Walters.

Okay, anyway, I'm Doris, right? Right.

Let's begin.

Good evening.

This is Barbara Walters with the news.

Shut that thing off. It makes me sick.

Whatever you say, dear.

Click. Well, now what am I supposed to do?

Emily, try to stay in character.

Mr. Peterson, did you really want to shut off the television set?

No. I wanted to watch the news.

Well, tell her that.

Doris, I want to watch the news. I'm turning the set back on. Oh, good.

You turn that set back on and I'll have my mother sit on you.

Okay, Doris.

If you don't let me watch TV, I don't make dessert.

Am I in time for dessert?

Howard, please.

Am I in time for dessert, please?

Don't you ever threaten me, you little cockroach?

Gee, I mean, no big deal. I just thought since everyone was having dessert, I'd

join you.

Howard, we're playing a sort of game.

Oh, you're playing a game? Great.

know what you are, Doris?

Do you know what you are, Doris? Do you know what you are, Doris? Uh, how many

syllables? Uh, Doris, Doris. Uh, Doris Day movie, uh, Pillow Talk.

No, Howard. Ah, sounds like Pillow Talk, uh, Elephant Walk, uh, Walk on a Wild

Side, Two Guys from Milwaukee.

No, Howard. Uh, sounds like no, Howard.

Howard, what do you want?

I want some dessert.

I'm not making dessert unless I get to watch TV.

Well, you better turn on the TV or we'll never get a dessert.

You turn on that TV and you'll be wearing your dessert.

Gee, take it easy, Mr. Carlin.

I'm not Mr. Carlin. I'm Doris.

Emily, what's he talking about?

I'm not Emily. I'm Barbara Walters.

Yeah.

If you're Barbara Walters and he's Doris, who am I? You're Howard.

Thank God.

Let's continue.

That's the last straw, Doris. You pushed me too far.

Last straw?

I'll give you a last straw.

Mother, sit on him.

I'm sorry it has to come to this, Mr. Peterson.

I'm watching TV.

Well, it's about time.

You touch that TV and I'll kick a set in.

Go ahead, kick it in, Doris. I dare you. That's good, Mr. Peterson. Okay, here

goes. Hold it!

This is crazy.

Emily, we had something good going here. Bob, you're encouraging these men to

act like animals. Well, I'm not going to sit there and get kicked.

Mr. Carlin wouldn't kick you.

No, I wouldn't, but Peterson's wife would.

Well, I'm not going to let her do that to me.

Emily, you're disrupting the group.

I'm a member of the group. Remember me? I'm the women's viewpoint.

Right now, you're a television set.

Do I kick her or not?

Do I sit on him or not?

I don't want to play anymore.

All right, if you don't want to play anymore, go in the kitchen and make some

coffee. I'm Barbara Walters. I make a million dollars a year. Get your own

coffee.

Oh, that's okay, Emily. I'll clean up.

Oh, the guy said to say goodbye and you were a good sport and a great anchorman.

Anchor person.

So, how'd you...

How do you think it went?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of hard to tell unless you've had a lot of experience with

groups. But I think it went well.

Is there anything you'd like to talk to me about?

Yeah, I am a little bushed.

These sessions really take it out of you. Why don't we... I

don't

know why I get this feeling that you're mad at me.

Of course, I could be wrong.

Well, why don't we sit down and talk it right out.

we could role play. That's it. I'll be Bob and you'll be a

rock.

A moving rock.

You know, when I was a kid in Chicago, we used to play a game called statues.

And you'd freeze, you know. And the first one to move would be the loser.

And I was terrific.

but you are the best I've ever seen.

Bob, Bob, you're driving me crazy. I mean, what's the answer?

To what? To the movie game, and if it's not pillow talk, what is it?

Goodbye, Howard. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, goodbye, Mr. Chips. Goodbye, Howard. Oh,

the long goodbye.

Goodbye, Howard.

Goodbye, Howard. Oh, goodbye, Howard. I should have thought it. I feel like such

an idiot. Goodbye, Howard.

I'll have to rub it in.

Enough of this nonsense.

I want you in here. I want you in here now.

Just hold that call.

I'm going to get the phone.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Mr.

Peterson.

No, no, not at all. We were just shooting the breeze.

How'd things come out with you and Doris?

Well, sometimes it works, you know, if you stand up for your rights.

Well, it isn't a hard and fast rule, no.

Could I meet you where?

Let me check.

Yeah, I think I could get away.

I'll be there in a few minutes.

Hi, Mr. Peterson.

Oh, hello, Dr. Hartley.

Hello.

Another round for me and my friends.

What are we drinking?

Hot chocolate doubles straight up.

You and Doris had it out, huh?

I don't know what to do. I can't take it anymore.

I don't think hot chocolate's the answer.

I just use it to unwind. I can stop any time I want.

How about a piece of raisin pie?

No, thanks. I'm trying to quit.

I really felt confident after the session tonight.

I marched right in my front door and I said, Doris, I've got something to say

you.

The next thing I knew, somebody was sitting on me.

Doesn't sound promising.

Somewhere along the line, the romance went out of our lives.

I've heard that song before.

You see, you have to work at a marriage. I mean, a marriage goes through phases.

Marriage is like dinner in a diner.

Nothing could be finer.

Just like dinner in a diner, marriage can be bland.

You kidding? I've got some chili here to make your eyes fall out.

Yeah, yeah, but that's because it's season.

See, a man has to season his marriage with trust and

spice it.

Spice it with honesty.

And of course, sweeten it with affection.

Right. And then the wife has to clean up the whole mess after me.

Let me put it another way.

If it has anything to do with ketchup, forget it.

You know something?

The floppy guy's right.

He makes sense.

It's just that he says it dumb.

I don't think it was dumb.

Why don't you tell your old lady you love her? When was the last time you

her? Last night.

I said, I love you, Doris. Let go of my arm.

Do you really love her?

Yeah. Why don't you call her and say you're coming home?

Take her some flowers, sweep her off her feet, give her a kiss.

I don't know what your problem is.

I know what your problem is. You're messy.

What do you think, Dr. Hartley? Should I try it?

Well, you could rock bottom.

Anything would be better than this. Give it a whirl.

You know, if you want to get to know people, you've got to hang around a

I see guys like him every day.

Yeah, me too.

You work in a diner?

You could say that. I work in the diner of life.

Is that one of those health food joints?

I really like the way you think.

And if you're ever late...

Here's my card.

You just got to be neater, that's all.

Dr. Hartley, it worked.

Doris ordered me to come home.

Oh, that's good.

And you know what?

She said she loves me, too. That's even better. Yeah.

Where am I going to find flowers this time of night? Oh, it's the thought that

counts. Take her piece of raisin pie.

Say it with raisins.

Crunchy little crisp.

Sort of a cheese sauce.

Piece of pie.

If you knew your imagination, you're a... That's a chrysanthemum.

Beautiful.

Either that or a lemon meringue rose.

You trying to tell me something, Bob?

Yeah. I was trying to tell you that the flower shop was closed.

I'm sorry I treated you badly in front of other people.

And I love you.

I love you, too.

And I'm sorry it worked out this way.

Well, it was all my fault.

I never should have forced you into that group. I was a dope. Yeah, I know.

I acted like an idiot.

That's true.

I mean, only a fool would put his wife in a spot like that.

Emily,

you know you can stop me anytime you want.

Oh, I will. I just thought you had a long way to go.

No, I think I covered everything.

And you covered it beautifully.

You know, I find it hard to believe that you were out there all that time.

Well, I wasn't.

I mean, I was mad, but not mad enough to get pneumonia. You know, it's freezing

out there.

Bob, I've been thinking about it for hours. There's no movie called Goodbye,

Howard, is there?

No. Then why did you tell me there was?

Well, Howard, because we were involved with a group and you were interrupting

and I was trying to get rid of you. Okay.

Who was in it?

Rhonda Fleming. Oh!

Ron the Fleming, that's right. He played the Duchess. Goodbye, Howard.

Yeah, and Ronald Reagan played Howard.

You think he's broken the mood?

Well, let me put it this way.

Bob, can I talk to you for a minute? I need some advice.

What kind?

Marital. It's kind of involved.

Sure, Carol, but can we do it tomorrow? I'm really busy. Oh, gee, I kind of

wanted to do it today.

Okay.

Call that number and ask for Flo.