Original subtitles

A lovely red flower for a lovely redhead.

Sorry, Gerald, I don't have any spare cash.

Come on, Gerald, I'm just trying to be friendly, warm, and charming.

Oh, why change your whole personality now?

What change? What change?

Well, for a start, why are you wearing joke clothes?

These happen to be my sailing tugs.

See, Gerald, I applied for membership to the Windjammer Club.

I put Bob down as a reference, so I'd appreciate it if you'd put them right

through to Bob when they call.

Yes, I will. Good. Then you won't be needing this.

Well, you see, I've only got the one flower, and there's somebody else on the

third floor I have to butter up.

On the other hand, sometimes I forget to put calls through to Bob.

Right.

Hey, Bob!

Great to see you. I really missed you, Bob. Sorry, Jerry, I don't have any

cash.

Mr. Carlin's waiting in your office, Bob. You know, Bob, of all the guys in

world that I love to see, I love to see you the most.

Thank you.

By the way, Bob, I love your tie.

Thanks again.

And I, uh, I kind of like your hat.

Good blitz.

Terrific haircut.

You injured.

I love your socks.

I'm, uh... Sorry I'm late, Mr. Carlin.

Let me see your socks.

They're just ordinary socks.

I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

Why don't we get started with the session?

Sure. I got a real thorny problem for you today.

There's this new girl in my office, and she won't let me alone.

Every time my phone rings, she answers it. She keeps wandering in and out of my

office. Yesterday, I found her going through my files.

Who is she? My secretary.

She's got her nerve.

You're not kidding.

And I, uh... I think she likes me.

Well, that's wonderful.

You don't think she could really like me, do you?

Well, Mr. Carlin, there are many things about you that are likable.

Like what?

Yeah, you see what I mean?

You're my only friend.

What am I going to do?

Well, she likes you and you like her. I think the answer is obvious.

Right, can her.

You know, there's an old saying, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I'm paying $40 an hour for advice I can get on a cocktail napkin?

What I'm trying to say is, why don't you...

Ask her out for a date.

Well, where could we go?

Take her to a movie.

Which one?

I don't know. Pick one.

How about The Omen?

Fine. I saw it already.

Well, then, take her out to dinner.

Wouldn't be alone with her.

What if she tries to put a move on me?

We're going to have dinner with friends.

I told you, you're my only friend.

Why don't you take her to a concert?

You backed yourself into a corner this time, didn't you, Dr. Harley?

Bowling's nice. Why don't you take her bowling?

Would Saturday night be okay?

Take her to a concert and then go bowling. That's the best idea yet. Is 7

okay?

7 .30 is fine.

I love your socks.

Emily, I'm sorry I got you into this.

Sorry. I love helping romance bloom.

Even for Mr. Carlin, it's exciting.

You know, I think that's the first time I've ever heard Mr. Carlin and exciting

in the same sentence.

You know, if I can get Mr. Carlin together with this girl, it'll be the

of my matchmaking career.

No matter who the guy is?

Doesn't matter who the guy is. It's how you play the game.

Emily, I thought you retired from the game when you got Carol married off. The

really great ones never retire.

What is this obsession? Why do you do it? I don't know. I just can't help it.

mean, call me sentimental, call me romantic, call me a lover of love.

How about calling you retired?

Oh, hi, Bob. Hi, Emily.

Do you know anything about international law?

I'm a little fuzzy on East Pakistan.

Why, Howard?

Well, I think I married a native girl from the island of Bali.

Howard, what makes you think you got married?

Well, in the morning, her brother brought over a sheep, an ox, and the key

the sacred hut.

It sounds to me, Howard, like you're disengaged.

I don't know. An ox is pretty serious.

Oh, an ox.

Oh, you're married, Howard.

No doubt about it.

You think the state of Illinois will recognize our marriage?

Sure, you'll be the couple with the ox.

Well,

I guess I won't know if I'm married for sure until she contacts me.

You think she will?

She has to. I got the key to the hut.

Hiya, Borden. Hi.

What's new?

Oh, nothing.

I'm Andrea Duff. Hello, Andrea. I'm Emily Hartley, and this is my husband,

Hello. Elliot's spoken so highly of you.

Well, I speak highly of him.

Won't you sit down?

Oh, aren't they an attractive couple?

Striking.

Uh, Andrea, the colors in your dress really enhance your eyes.

They're brown, aren't they?

Yes. So, Elliot, you know when two brown -eyed people marry, they usually have

brown -eyed children.

Subtle.

Elliot says you're his oldest friend.

Yeah, we'd go back a long way.

I'd say so.

All the way back to the Green Bay Packers training camp.

I told her about the time we both tried out for the... the team and how upset I

was when you didn't make the cut.

Played for the Green Bay Packers. No, he didn't. He got cut.

Would anybody like an hors d 'oeuvre?

Yes, please.

Did you know Elliot invented hors d 'oeuvres?

What? I didn't invent all hors d 'oeuvres.

I just invented the stuffed mushroom.

I'm sorry, we don't have any stuffed mushrooms tonight.

That's okay, I don't get the royalties anymore.

You and Elliot worked together?

Yes. I think the luckiest day in my life was when the employment agency sent me

over to Elliot's office.

Well, perhaps it was destiny.

Perhaps it was.

I like to think that there's some kind of grand design, some reason for

everything

If there had been, I would never have been cut by the Packers.

Hey, don't be so bitter, Bob.

You're doing great as an insurance salesman.

An insurance salesman?

Uh, excuse me, but I seem to be a little confused here.

Well, then, Emily, you should talk to Elliot.

He's very into psychology, and he helps people with their problems.

Some guys get $40 a session for what I can do on my lunch hour.

Excuse me, I think I'd better see to dinner.

Oh, may I help? Oh, you can make the gravy.

Elliot invented gravy.

How am I doing?

What are you doing?

Just trying to make some points. She's a very nice girl.

Look, I am not going to be a party to this fabric of lies.

Just play along, will you?

There'll be a few bucks in it for you.

Bob, do you know I'll be ready in a minute. Could you pour the wine?

Why don't we have, uh... Elliot poured. I'm sure he invented wine, right?

That's right. One day I just happened to step on some grapes and the rest is

history.

Bob, you're tearing the pages.

It's my magazine. I can tear it if I want to.

You know how angry I am? I wanted to read that article.

Oh, are you angry?

Yes, and you should be, too.

Well, I must admit, I was a little bit flabbergasted, but I can understand why

Mr. Carlin is acting that way.

Emily, there is no excuse for it. If he were Pinocchio, his nose would have

punctured our apartment wall.

Bill, you know, they make a cute couple.

Emily, you think that a cobra and a mongoose make a cute couple.

Only if they're compatible, Bob. I have my standards.

Green Bay Packers.

If I ever played professional ball, I'd play for the Chicago Bears. I mean, I

owe it to the hometown folks.

Everybody tells little white lies when they're courting.

Emily, there is a difference between little white lies and science fiction.

All right.

I admit he bent the truth a little, but what's the big deal? I mean, I did the

same thing when we were going around together.

You lied to me?

Well, for one thing, I had gone bowling before.

Well, I should have guessed that when you showed up with your own shoes.

You disappointed in me?

No, you were a lousy bowler anyway.

If I hadn't slipped in the tenth frame, I would have beaten you.

Well, I'm glad to get it off my chest.

I never lied to you, even when we were dating.

Really?

Really.

Maybe once.

When?

Emily, remember the first time you met the guys in my poker club?

Well, of course I remember. I was the hostess. I had to shovel out your

apartment before they came.

And remember I said that they all loved you?

Yeah. Science fiction, I mean.

They all kissed me goodbye.

Yeah, but the minute you left, they voted on whether I should continue

you or not.

Well, how did the vote turn out?

Remember in 1964 when Lyndon Johnson ran against Goldwater?

Yeah, why?

Think of yourself as Goldwater.

Hiya, Captain.

Where's Tennille?

Hey!

Carl, you know, there's something I've been meaning to tell you for a long

Something that I should have said to you years ago. In the first place, you know

anybody on the board of the Windjammer Club?

Sure, I know the president.

Love your tie, Elliot.

I love you.

You, come in here.

I love him, too.

What's the matter with you?

Sit down.

Hey, lighten up, will you? I'm in love.

When do you find the time? Between inventions?

What are you getting so steamed about?

Maybe there's a lot of hooey, but nobody got hurt. It worked.

And Andrea loves me.

She doesn't love you. She loves a figment of your imagination.

That's good enough for me.

How long do you think you can keep telling these pack of lies and getting

with it? Oh, five years, maybe six.

Why are you hiding the real Elliot Carlin? This is the real Elliot Carlin.

You never played for the Packers?

Oh, with a little bit of luck, I could have invented gravy.

Give her a chance to see the real you.

She'll love you just as much. As much as a Grand Prix -driving, skydiving

professional gambler?

I think you should tell her the truth. Get the weeds of deceit out of the

garden, and then real love can bloom.

Where do you read this stuff?

Mr. Carlin, tell her the truth. Tell her everything.

I'm not telling her I wear a tube.

Pretty hard to keep that secret, isn't it?

I think it's an obvious rug.

I'm just saying you're better off telling her than... than risking it

while you're stomping grapes.

Howard, what's wrong?

I got a dear Howard letter. She left me.

Who?

My wife, Nanook.

I guess it's true what they say about mixed marriages.

God knows I try to make it work.

What happened?

She left me for the tribal chief.

Que sera, sera.

Now I think his name was Norman.

Well, I guess it's all for the best.

No, it's for the worst.

Brother put a curse on me because I lost the key to the sacred hut.

I said I'm going to keep losing weight.

You think he... could put that curse on Bob?

Maybe we could split a curse.

Don't laugh. He said I'd probably disappear by Christmas.

Oh, God, I love that woman.

Poor Howard.

Jilted again.

Well, Emily, look at the bright side. At least we won't have an ox fouling our

halls.

Hello. Oh, hi, Mr. Carlin.

Did you talk to Andrea?

What do you mean?

Kaput. Finito crying time.

The party's over.

Out in the cold again, huh?

Bombed out.

Adios, Jose.

I think I get the picture, Mr. Carlin.

Yeah, why don't you come in the first thing in the morning and we'll talk

it. And in the meantime, just remember, it's better to have loved and lost than

never... Hello?

What happened?

Andrea told Mr. Carlin adios, Jose.

You were getting along so well. What messed things up?

Well, I guess I did. I told him to tell Andrea the truth.

It's amazing. It's the first time in 13 years he's ever listened to anything I

said.

Bob, I just weighed myself. I lost a half a pound.

You better find the key to that hut, Howard.

I looked everywhere.

I gotta find a hutsmith.

I'm shrinking away to nothing.

Adios, Jose.

Sorry, Skipper, there haven't been any calls.

There aren't going to be any calls, Carol.

Here's this.

It's from the Windjammer Club.

Dear he, she, or it.

Classy salutation, huh?

You're a member.

Send $6 ,000 and we'll mail you your button.

Congratulations.

$6 ,000 and they send you a button.

Maybe it's a really nice button.

Read the P .S.

P .S.

Clip the coupon and save $500 by getting four friends to join.

It's a boat of the month club, Carol.

And I fell for it.

Hey, Carol, have you and Larry ever thought about joining a yacht club?

Ah, dear.

There are two things Larry and I try never to do.

Go to bed with our shoes on.

and spend $6 ,000 on a button.

Um, is Dr.

Hartley in?

Yes. Who shall I say it is?

Andrea Duff.

I'm a friend of... I was a friend of Elliot Carlin's.

I loved him.

Poor kid.

Yeah.

Bob, could you come out here, please, quick?

Hi,

how's it going?

Elliot lied to me.

Yeah, I know.

So, if you knew the truth, why didn't you tell me?

Well, I thought it'd be better, you know, if you heard it from him.

And I was right.

Why don't you go in my office? Carol, would you bring us some coffee and some

Kleenex? In a minute. In a minute.

Well, Dr.

Hartley, he told me everything.

Well, he was just being honest with you. I'm kind of surprised you broke it off.

But I didn't break it off.

You didn't.

Of course I was upset that he lied to me.

Of course you were, you poor thing.

Carol?

I'm sorry.

that he left you?

Yes. I didn't even get a chance to tell him it didn't matter.

He had to hop a plane and fly back to his ranch in Tasmania.

That's so like Elliot, isn't it?

Well, if you're gonna buy a ranch, the only place is Tasmania.

Excuse me, Bob. Not now, Carol. There's someone to see you, Bob, if you get my

drift. I don't want to see anyone now.

What are you talking about? I got an appointment with you.

You came back.

Yeah, Tasmania's a drag this time of year.

Oh, Elliot, I don't care what you told me last night.

I still love you.

You do?

this up a minute. I thought you were going to tell her the truth.

He did.

He even told me about the three kids.

Why only three?

Vasectomy.

You haven't told her the truth. You just told her a new bunch of lies.

Yeah, sort of.

You mean none of that's true?

None of it.

Did you put me through that living hell?

He did it because he loves you.

I was afraid if you knew the real drab, Elliot Carlin, you'd be disappointed.

I told you I was on the lam and I was married, so when you dropped me, it

wouldn't be the real me. It'd be a fake Elliot Carlin, and I wouldn't get hurt

so bad.

Oh, Elliot.

Okay.

Well, I think it's apparent that... Honesty is the best

policy, after all.

Or to put it another way, that... Ah, the hell with it.

You're so right, Bob.

Honesty is the best policy.

You put it... Well, too bad.

Hi, Aunt Leigh.

Do you have an aspirin? This curse is killing me.

Oh, I've got some, but they're not good for curses.

No, I'm desperate. I'm shrinking. Look.

I'll get some.

How's your curse, Howard?

It's worse than hot weather.

Oh, it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

I hope so. I danced my heart out.

Take these, Howard. I think they'll do the trick.

Well, they better.

Howard, that's my hat.

Your hat?

Your hat?

You mean I'm not shrinking?

Oh, the sacrificial lamb chops worked!

You know, I don't believe him sometimes.

Shrinking?

Still fits.