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1
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Christmas.
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Nan?
3
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Nan? Turn them lights off.
4
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It's really cold up here, Nan.
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Keep your coat on then.
6
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:34,680
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
7
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Don't go near that fire. I can't afford
it. Where are you? What are you doing,
8
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Nan? Have you been sitting in the dark?
9
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No, of course I ain't. You haven't even
got the telly on. Nan, are you all
10
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right? Of course I'm all right.
11
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Nan, what's going on?
12
00:00:54,860 --> 00:00:55,860
are you dressed like that?
13
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,040
It's flannelette.
14
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You want to try it? It'll be a lot
warmer than that spandex you like to
15
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:03,540
about in.
16
00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,220
I'm surprised to see you anyway.
17
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Christmas Eve, I thought you'd be out
drinking down that wine bar you like to
18
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to. You and your friend, Stefan.
19
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:16,439
What's it called?
20
00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,720
She's called Stephanie, actually.
21
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Oh, I can't think. What's the name of
it? She's my girlfriend.
22
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Nah, I can't remember. What'd they call
it? And she's from Munich.
23
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Hamburg. German gay bar.
24
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What will I think of next?
25
00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:40,740
We wish you a merry Christmas. Oh,
that's all I need. Oh,
26
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come on, Nan.
27
00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,380
Nan, Nan.
28
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Not having this show. You and your king.
29
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We wish you a merry Christmas.
30
00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:03,820
Knocking on decent people's houses.
31
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,180
Christmas Eve? Look at that racket.
32
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I'm very sorry.
33
00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:10,639
Which are collecting for the kids at the
children's home?
34
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Yeah, you make me sick, you lot.
35
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With your smiley faces and your festive
cheer and your charity box.
36
00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:19,620
Where's your Christmas spirit?
37
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Oh, shove it up your arse!
38
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on me door, cheering me up with carols.
Oh, that is madness.
39
00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:46,050
What's the matter with you? Uncle Bob
and his family will be here soon. You're
40
00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:47,410
not going to be like this, are you? Who?
41
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:48,770
Bob. Bob?
42
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Bob? Bob's coming in? I don't know no
Bob.
43
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Yeah, you do. Uncle Bob, you know, from
Grandad's side of the family.
44
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Not Northern Bob.
45
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Not Bob the Northerner.
46
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:05,010
Uncle Bob, Julie and the kids, they're
coming for Christmas.
47
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Not the Cratchits.
48
00:03:07,570 --> 00:03:10,070
Not that miserable, scrounging mob.
49
00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:14,210
Nan, don't say that. You know they've
had a terrible year. What, another one?
50
00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:16,910
Bob lost his job, they've got no money.
51
00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:20,250
Julie said for the last few months
they've been living on pot noodles and
52
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Krispies. That's a very healthy diet for
a northerner.
53
00:03:24,550 --> 00:03:25,550
Nan.
54
00:03:25,870 --> 00:03:27,830
They're not bringing that dog, are they?
55
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Scavenging mutt.
56
00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,780
It's only a little thing, isn't it? It's
one of them miniature ones.
57
00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:34,800
What do they call it? It's only tiny.
58
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Tim. Yeah.
59
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Yeah, it is tiny.
60
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Tim.
61
00:03:41,660 --> 00:03:43,380
Look, Nan, they'll be arriving soon.
62
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What are they doing coming up here?
63
00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,960
They're coming for Christmas lunch.
They've been looking forward to it for
64
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Who arranged that?
65
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You did.
66
00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,660
Me? At little Charlotte's first Holy
Communion back in July.
67
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,240
Oh, she's a fat child.
68
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,320
Nan, you promised.
69
00:03:57,740 --> 00:03:59,440
I'm putting her in that white dress to
help.
70
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,000
Nan. See how at least that veil over her
head covered up her lazy eyes.
71
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,420
Oh, oh, here they are.
72
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,360
Oh, hold on to your hats.
73
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I'll let them in.
74
00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:16,459
Now, remember, Nan, it is Christmas.
Yeah, yeah, don't remind me.
75
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,380
Oh, Nan, it's not the Cratchits, it's
Nellie from upstairs.
76
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:20,820
Oh, not her.
77
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,180
Hello, new love.
78
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:25,700
Hello, Joanie, dear.
79
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,660
I don't know what's happened to Uncle
Bob. They left Yorkshire this morning.
80
00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,360
Well, it's for long ways from walking
clubs.
81
00:04:31,780 --> 00:04:33,040
Merry Christmas.
82
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,060
Is it? I hadn't noticed.
83
00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:40,100
Sit down, Nellie. Oh, here, here's your
bunions, Nell. Do you want a bowl of hot
84
00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,520
water to soak your feet while you're
there? Oh, no, thanks.
85
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:46,300
You might as well, Jamie, get over there
and give Nellie's feet a rub.
86
00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,020
No, that won't be necessary.
87
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:51,320
It don't mind.
88
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It's a university.
89
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:54,220
Oh.
90
00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:58,280
No, I can't stay long. I just brought
this week's lottery money.
91
00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,560
Oh, oh, lovely.
92
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:04,700
What lottery money is that, Nan? Your
Nan's the treasurer of the over -60s
93
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:09,520
lottery syndicate. Actually, she takes
the money down every week for us.
94
00:05:09,820 --> 00:05:11,560
Oh, that's really good of you, Nan.
95
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:12,920
Well, I have me moment.
96
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,620
Well, I won't keep you at this busy
time.
97
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,460
Ah, all right. Now, here, darling.
98
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:22,320
I've got a good feeling about this week.
Me too. And it's a rollover.
99
00:05:26,770 --> 00:05:28,210
She's a lovely woman.
100
00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:32,870
I didn't know you did the lottery.
101
00:05:33,570 --> 00:05:34,570
I don't.
102
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So when are you going to take their
money down and buy the tickets?
103
00:05:40,950 --> 00:05:41,950
I'm not.
104
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You mean that's all their money?
105
00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:48,590
Oh, it's a waste of time anyway.
106
00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:51,130
Lottery. They're never going to win.
107
00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:57,870
Oh. Oh, Jamie, I... before that lot get
their thieving northern hands on it.
108
00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:02,410
Nan, you are unbelievable.
109
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Oh, chillax!
110
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We're here!
111
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Eight and a half hours on a coach, but
we made it.
112
00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:28,770
here auntie joan call blimey apples and
pears do what governor strike a light is
113
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that the sound of bow bells happy
114
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christmas auntie joanie
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who's
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that who's what now the door oh that was
so that's just bob cratchit and his
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family yeah they couldn't How long
they've had to go back up to the North
118
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Country.
119
00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:00,100
You going to get that, Nan?
120
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:04,000
No, no. Probably just Jehovah's Witness,
innit?
121
00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:07,960
Well, I'll get it, but I want you to
remember, Nan, it's Christmas, OK?
122
00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:09,380
Goodwill to all men.
123
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,260
Yeah, you would say that.
124
00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:18,300
Nan, Uncle Bob and his family ain't gone
home. They were waiting to come in.
125
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,060
I thought you were on a tight schedule,
love. You know what, we've been another
126
00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:24,700
eight and a half hours to get back.
127
00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,240
We hope you don't mind, Auntie Joanie,
but we brought our Tim.
128
00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,620
He's not been very well.
129
00:07:29,980 --> 00:07:31,420
He's got a stomach complaint.
130
00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:33,980
We thought he might die, Auntie Joanie.
131
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,580
He's not been very well, but he's going
to have a smashing Christmas in London,
132
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aren't you, our Tim?
133
00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:41,000
Not if he starts shitting on my floor,
he won't.
134
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Mind you, you little rat.
135
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:45,720
What was that?
136
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Our Ashley, our Chloe. Go on, give it to
her, then. No, thank you. Go on.
137
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What's that, then?
138
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Oh!
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00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:55,710
Happy Christmas, Auntie Joanie.
140
00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:57,130
Oh, how lovely.
141
00:07:57,570 --> 00:07:58,670
Oh, what's that, then?
142
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A donation has been made in your name
143
00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:10,990
to the mobile library of the Sudan.
144
00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:18,530
It's a picture of an Arab man standing
next to a... donkey with half a dozen
145
00:08:18,530 --> 00:08:20,330
copies of the Da Vinci Code structure.
146
00:08:22,450 --> 00:08:24,930
It's an alternative Christmas gift.
147
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Alternative to what? Something I wanted?
148
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It's for charity.
149
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Don't you like it?
150
00:08:34,370 --> 00:08:38,309
Right. Well, it's been lovely seeing
you, but I don't want to keep you, so
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00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,309
thanks for coming.
152
00:08:39,730 --> 00:08:42,409
I thought we were stopping here with
you, Auntie Joan.
153
00:08:42,650 --> 00:08:43,990
What? What are you? Hi.
154
00:08:47,910 --> 00:08:49,550
but you said we could come here for
Christmas.
155
00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:50,830
You said?
156
00:08:51,110 --> 00:08:52,350
I was blunt, I'm telling.
157
00:08:52,890 --> 00:08:55,890
I also said I was going to break dance
on Britain's Got Talent.
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00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:58,910
What can I tell you? Things don't always
work out.
159
00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:02,730
But it's Christmas Eve and we've nowhere
else to stay. And the coaches have
160
00:09:02,730 --> 00:09:03,589
stopped running.
161
00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:06,810
What about the stream, then? But it's so
cold out there.
162
00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:09,690
Come on, Nan, you've got that big extra
room, you never use it.
163
00:09:09,990 --> 00:09:11,610
That was your grandfather's study.
164
00:09:12,270 --> 00:09:15,430
I ain't been in there since he died
seven years ago.
165
00:09:16,170 --> 00:09:17,270
My poor Jake.
166
00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:18,840
God rest his soul.
167
00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:20,600
Oh, I don't miss him.
168
00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,800
Grandad didn't have a study. He was a
greengrocer.
169
00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,960
He used to sit in that room and read
books about vegetables.
170
00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:32,200
What he didn't know about tomatoes
weren't worth knowing.
171
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:34,400
Tomatoes are a fruit.
172
00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:35,920
Oh, he didn't know that.
173
00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:41,780
Nan, if you don't let them stay, they'll
be out on the streets with nowhere to
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00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:42,780
go at Christmas.
175
00:09:43,820 --> 00:09:44,820
Please, Nan.
176
00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:46,540
What do you say?
177
00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,400
No!
178
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,180
Look, it's fine.
179
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,040
We're sorry for the misunderstanding.
180
00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:56,660
It's all right.
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00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,420
Come on, you lot, we'll make do as best
as we can.
182
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,519
Is it goodbye?
183
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,040
What about our Christmas dinner?
184
00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:04,100
Don't you worry about it, Ashley. You'll
not go without.
185
00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:05,079
That's it.
186
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,080
Take that!
187
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,940
Before we go, Auntie Joanie, could we
trouble you for a bowl of water?
188
00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:11,220
It's our tin.
189
00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:12,780
It's parched.
190
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,440
What is it with this people?
191
00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,700
Go and piss yourself out of it!
192
00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:33,490
of the Sue fucking Dan.
193
00:10:34,570 --> 00:10:35,570
Have a look.
194
00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:37,950
Have a look. The man ain't got no shoes.
195
00:10:38,230 --> 00:10:41,090
What's he going to do with Harry Potter
and the Goblet of Fucking Fire?
196
00:10:45,970 --> 00:10:47,430
Throwing out your own family.
197
00:10:47,790 --> 00:10:49,730
That is the worst thing you've ever
done.
198
00:10:50,430 --> 00:10:51,670
Happy Christmas, Nan.
199
00:10:51,930 --> 00:10:52,930
Yeah.
200
00:10:53,990 --> 00:10:54,990
Christmas?
201
00:10:55,850 --> 00:10:56,850
Why...
202
00:11:56,530 --> 00:12:01,830
Jake Taylor, your husband, back from the
dead. Here to warn you.
203
00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:04,150
What's he talking like that for?
204
00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:05,790
Oh, they're all doing it up there.
205
00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:09,710
You sound like a simpleton.
206
00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:11,190
Oh, don't start.
207
00:12:11,570 --> 00:12:13,990
I said as soon as I turn up, it'll be
planet earache.
208
00:12:14,290 --> 00:12:18,070
You might try and look a bit pleased to
see me. I've been dead for seven years.
209
00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:20,590
No shatty noise. I never asked you to
come back.
210
00:12:21,350 --> 00:12:23,570
What did you bury me with a ukulele for?
211
00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:25,610
I thought it made you look...
212
00:12:27,630 --> 00:12:30,410
Flamboyant. I bet I look ridiculous in
that coffin.
213
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,130
You did get a lot of comments.
214
00:12:32,410 --> 00:12:32,869
Did I?
215
00:12:32,870 --> 00:12:34,650
Yeah, mainly that you look ridiculous.
216
00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:37,790
What did you put me in this suit for?
217
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,890
That's the suit you married me in. Yeah,
in 1955.
218
00:12:41,870 --> 00:12:43,950
I've put on four stones since then.
219
00:12:44,270 --> 00:12:47,310
The waistband's cutting into me like a
bleeding cheese wire.
220
00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:49,590
Don't blame me, you fat git.
221
00:12:50,550 --> 00:12:53,030
Here, I've got something important to
tell you.
222
00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:58,520
Oh, yeah, that'll be a first. I am here
to warn you that on this Christmas
223
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,120
night... Oh, later.
224
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,340
You've gone too far this time, Joanie.
Slinging out the cratchits like that,
225
00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:09,480
you're getting meaner every year. But
your day of reckoning is nigh.
226
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:11,340
What are you talking about?
227
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:13,380
My day of reckoning?
228
00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,760
Tonight, you will be visited by three
ghosts.
229
00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:18,140
So, two more?
230
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,420
No, no, three more.
231
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:20,820
So, four including you?
232
00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,760
Well, no, I'm more of an apparition.
233
00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:28,940
Anyway, the point is, they're coming
here to show you the error of your ways.
234
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:32,900
There ain't no error in my ways. Oh, I
ain't got time for this.
235
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:35,200
I'm fading.
236
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,460
I missed you, Joni.
237
00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:38,980
Missed you.
238
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,260
It's lonely out there without you.
239
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,080
That's it, go and piss off back to
Narnia.
240
00:14:48,110 --> 00:14:49,690
after accusing a post office shop.
241
00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:53,730
Look, if you don't let me in, you're
going to regret it.
242
00:14:53,950 --> 00:14:56,370
Well, if you ain't got no idea, you
ain't coming in.
243
00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,890
I've got a 17th century ducat.
244
00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:01,050
There's no need for language like that.
245
00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:38,220
this once a year. I'm a bit out of
practice. It's not like riding a bike,
246
00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:40,160
know. Well, you ought to put the hours
in, Sam.
247
00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:43,040
Because that is unacceptable.
248
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:46,759
Don't worry.
249
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,260
Amazingly, it'll all be fixed in the
morning.
250
00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:50,160
You're no ghost.
251
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:51,560
Oh, yes I am.
252
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,700
Prove it.
253
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:06,680
That's day one.
254
00:16:41,610 --> 00:16:44,190
No, actually, they teach us how to do
this.
255
00:16:45,730 --> 00:16:46,730
Well,
256
00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:51,010
if that's all you've got in your locker,
son, I don't think this haunting
257
00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,130
thing's going to work out.
258
00:16:53,590 --> 00:16:54,990
OK, fine, fine.
259
00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:57,350
Fine! How about this?
260
00:16:59,150 --> 00:17:03,330
Go on, hit me with that. Go straight
through me, won't feel a thing. I don't
261
00:17:03,330 --> 00:17:04,750
think we should chance it, love.
262
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,400
I've got a taste in my mouth.
263
00:17:23,339 --> 00:17:24,339
I'll sit down.
264
00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,619
I feel better.
265
00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:28,560
Ta -da!
266
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,540
I think you should leave.
267
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,640
How dare you?
268
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:38,040
I'm here to show you that you've taken
the wrong path.
269
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:42,760
And the only way to avert a dire future
is to remind yourself of who you once
270
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,180
were. How are you going to show me
anything you can't even float?
271
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,000
I'm a good ghost. I'm just a bit rusty.
These are no work!
272
00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:59,380
I'm going to take you right back to
where it all started.
273
00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:26,350
That is impressive.
274
00:18:27,170 --> 00:18:28,370
I know this.
275
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,590
And that's my ass.
276
00:18:32,090 --> 00:18:33,430
When I grow up.
277
00:18:33,910 --> 00:18:35,590
And that's me.
278
00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:37,590
Your younger self.
279
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,290
She's looking right at me.
280
00:18:40,590 --> 00:18:41,590
Don't worry.
281
00:18:41,610 --> 00:18:42,610
You're invisible.
282
00:18:43,650 --> 00:18:45,330
You've made me invisible.
283
00:18:46,410 --> 00:18:48,950
You're cooking with gas now, fella.
284
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:52,770
There you are.
285
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,760
Come on, Joanie, it's time to go to bed.
286
00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:56,620
Hey, my mother.
287
00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,240
Look, Mummy, it's Snowy.
288
00:18:58,700 --> 00:18:59,700
Oh,
289
00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,060
we're having a white Christmas after
all.
290
00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,960
Now, don't forget to put your stocking
out for Father Christmas.
291
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,260
Look, I've got him a mince pie and some
milk.
292
00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,440
Is there really such a thing as Father
Christmas?
293
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,880
I hope there is, darling.
294
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,260
Now, go to sleep. You'll be here soon.
295
00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,660
I look like an angel.
296
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,200
You do.
297
00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:27,880
I can't wait till morning.
298
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,800
He's been! He's been!
299
00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:50,080
A tangerine. One lousy, poxy, solitary
300
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,080
tangerine.
301
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:59,260
bleeders, rolled me mince pie, and
knocked back all me milk, and he's left
302
00:19:59,260 --> 00:20:00,260
piddling bit of fruit.
303
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:02,860
Bearded, fat -ass bastards.
304
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,520
What a fucking liberty.
305
00:20:07,820 --> 00:20:08,820
Christmas?
306
00:20:09,220 --> 00:20:10,780
What a load of old shit.
307
00:20:14,020 --> 00:20:15,800
Oh, that is extra.
308
00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,700
Oh, this is fantastic.
309
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:20,980
Where am I next?
310
00:20:24,229 --> 00:20:25,229
Yeah, it's no biggie.
311
00:21:05,450 --> 00:21:06,530
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Jackson.
312
00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:08,490
Is Joanie in? Who might you be?
313
00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:09,750
Jake Taylor.
314
00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:12,210
Taylor? Not the Taylors from Lee Street?
315
00:21:12,850 --> 00:21:13,709
That's it.
316
00:21:13,710 --> 00:21:18,130
Oh, no, the Taylors. I used to knock
about with a reamy Taylor years ago.
317
00:21:18,770 --> 00:21:19,770
That's my mum.
318
00:21:19,870 --> 00:21:21,490
Does she still like the sailors?
319
00:21:22,810 --> 00:21:25,690
Sailors? Oh, your mum likes a sailor or
two.
320
00:21:27,930 --> 00:21:29,170
Let's see where you get it from.
321
00:21:29,810 --> 00:21:30,890
Is Joanie in?
322
00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,740
the looks of you, we can rule out that
fella from the Congo.
323
00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:44,000
Is she in at all?
324
00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:45,979
Who is it?
325
00:21:45,980 --> 00:21:48,700
Joni. Only I'd be ever so grateful if I
could have a word with her.
326
00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:52,280
Make sure that's all it is, young man.
And mind you, keep both feet on the
327
00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:53,139
at all times.
328
00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:54,140
Right you are.
329
00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:58,180
Joni! One of your fancy men here to see
you.
330
00:21:58,540 --> 00:21:59,800
The one with the ears.
331
00:22:02,180 --> 00:22:03,740
Oh, my poor Jake.
332
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,700
Him and his brothers never did find out
who their fathers were.
333
00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:11,680
Billy, Bobby, Mickey, Jimmy, and little
Afro George.
334
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,400
Hello, Joanie.
335
00:22:14,980 --> 00:22:15,980
Hello, yourself.
336
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,240
Cool, you look nice.
337
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,420
That top don't half make your knockers
look big.
338
00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,080
Thanks very much.
339
00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:26,740
Those trousers don't half make... What
can I do for you? I wanted to ask you.
340
00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:30,820
Yeah? Well, I wanted to ask you if you
fancied coming out with me one night.
341
00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:32,380
Oh, yeah.
342
00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,640
Where? I thought I could take you down
here, Padron. Go dancing.
343
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,300
Dancing. They've got a rock and roll
band.
344
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,040
Benny Walnut and the Cobblers.
345
00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:41,640
Sounds like fun.
346
00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:42,760
How about it, then?
347
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:43,819
I'd love to.
348
00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:45,400
Terrific. I'll pick you up next Saturday
night.
349
00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,720
Oh, I can't make Saturday. How about
Friday? I can't make Friday. How about
350
00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,620
Sunday? I can't make Sunday. How about
Tuesday? I can't make Tuesday. How about
351
00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:54,480
Thursday? I can't make Thursday. How
about Monday? I can't make Monday. How
352
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,100
about... Oh, why don't you fuck off?
353
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,600
So you never did go dancing. That's a
shame.
354
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:02,800
Oh, no, we did.
355
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:04,420
In the end, we went on a Wednesday.
356
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,040
Oh, look.
357
00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:07,300
Here he comes again.
358
00:23:41,919 --> 00:23:44,080
This is going to be the best Christmas
ever.
359
00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:45,540
Oh, we will have a laugh.
360
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,740
Got your glass of cherries. Oh, lovely.
361
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,200
Nice spot of Campari.
362
00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:51,340
Well, you've got to have a Christmas
tipple.
363
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:55,160
We'll cuddle up on the sofa in front of
that box, watch Morecambe and Wise. Oh,
364
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,200
I can't wait.
365
00:23:56,440 --> 00:24:01,060
And all because the lady loves milk
tray.
366
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:03,800
Oh, you're on a devil.
367
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:05,540
Come here, come on, give us a kiss.
368
00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:07,300
Do you get me a pickle, won't you?
369
00:24:19,950 --> 00:24:22,430
Why don't you get them yourself, you
ungrateful old mare?
370
00:24:22,910 --> 00:24:26,270
When have I got time to go down the
shops, you evil git?
371
00:24:26,610 --> 00:24:29,370
Oh, you know plenty of time if you
haven't stood out in that street jaw
372
00:24:29,370 --> 00:24:33,190
-jawing, you interfering old trollop.
Well, you know better, child, always
373
00:24:33,190 --> 00:24:35,790
the betting shop, you no -good dirty
pillow.
374
00:24:36,050 --> 00:24:38,290
Why don't you give it a rest, you rancid
old crow?
375
00:24:38,530 --> 00:24:41,910
You make me sick, you useless lump of
shit.
376
00:24:42,210 --> 00:24:42,989
Are you finished?
377
00:24:42,990 --> 00:24:44,910
Because I think my ear holes are
bleeding.
378
00:24:45,370 --> 00:24:46,370
You're the...
379
00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:00,440
He was right.
380
00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:04,280
That was the best Christmas ever. Oh,
no, no!
381
00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:05,500
Don't you get it?
382
00:25:06,780 --> 00:25:08,240
That's not what Christmas is about!
383
00:25:08,700 --> 00:25:10,480
Well, it weren't, mate. I forgot to pick
a walnut.
384
00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:12,340
You know what I think?
385
00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,740
I think you don't know how to be happy.
386
00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,060
I think you're afraid.
387
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:22,300
I think if you could just let people in,
then maybe, just maybe, you'd actually
388
00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:24,220
enjoy Christmas for once!
389
00:25:24,620 --> 00:25:27,460
Who do you think you are, Jeremy, Blade
and Carl?
390
00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:28,920
Who's Jeremy Kyle?
391
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:30,340
Oh, he's fantastic.
392
00:25:30,980 --> 00:25:37,420
He gets a lot of odd -marked simple
people, he lines them up, he shouts at
393
00:25:37,540 --> 00:25:40,580
and then he makes them take a lie
detector test.
394
00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:42,580
Wallet.
395
00:25:42,980 --> 00:25:43,980
I give up.
396
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:45,160
I give up!
397
00:25:46,020 --> 00:25:47,360
I need a drink.
398
00:25:48,460 --> 00:25:50,280
There, fancy little Guinness.
399
00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,180
Oh, this pub will shut out my flat.
400
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:57,620
Oh, it's my flat.
401
00:25:59,820 --> 00:26:01,380
Bloody ghosts.
402
00:26:29,350 --> 00:26:30,730
Makes me laugh every time.
403
00:26:33,070 --> 00:26:34,870
Hello, ghosty Christmas present.
404
00:26:36,170 --> 00:26:39,770
That's all I need, innit? A Scotch ghost
with a comedy ringtone.
405
00:26:41,070 --> 00:26:42,070
Oh, hiya.
406
00:26:43,010 --> 00:26:45,830
No, I'm just in the middle of a wee job.
Can I call you back?
407
00:26:47,270 --> 00:26:51,270
OK, let's get started. Now, have you got
any of the porcini mushrooms?
408
00:26:51,970 --> 00:26:54,650
Because I see you have a wee tonne of
the button variety, but they've not got
409
00:26:54,650 --> 00:26:55,650
the same zip.
410
00:26:55,850 --> 00:26:56,850
Oh, give me strength.
411
00:26:57,350 --> 00:26:59,910
I've got a wee resort to on the go.
Don't think we should travel on an empty
412
00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:02,390
stomach. So, porcini mushrooms?
413
00:27:03,310 --> 00:27:06,910
Yes, love. They'll be in me fridge next
to me Chinese water spinach.
414
00:27:07,430 --> 00:27:08,430
Fantastic.
415
00:27:10,570 --> 00:27:12,570
I don't see any Chinese water spinach.
416
00:27:12,950 --> 00:27:13,789
Do you, darling?
417
00:27:13,790 --> 00:27:16,970
Oh, do you know what? They've probably
fallen down by me goji berries.
418
00:27:19,210 --> 00:27:20,210
No.
419
00:27:21,430 --> 00:27:23,030
I can't seem to find it in a hen.
420
00:27:23,370 --> 00:27:24,370
Mum!
421
00:27:25,930 --> 00:27:27,090
Are you sure they're in there?
422
00:27:27,350 --> 00:27:28,350
Of course they're not.
423
00:27:29,330 --> 00:27:31,730
What's the matter with you? What do you
think this is, Saturday Kitchen?
424
00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:34,170
Oh, I love that show.
425
00:27:35,130 --> 00:27:36,690
James Martin, don't get me started.
426
00:27:37,310 --> 00:27:40,590
Well, it's just as well he can cook, cos
he dances like he's shit himself.
427
00:27:43,390 --> 00:27:45,650
I'm sorry, but his cha -cha -cha was a
triumph.
428
00:27:46,030 --> 00:27:47,770
What are you now, a bear? It's a ghost.
429
00:27:48,610 --> 00:27:50,910
And not much of one by the looks of you.
430
00:27:51,210 --> 00:27:53,570
It's fine with the way I look. It's just
Giorgio Armani.
431
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,740
care if it's Georgia Asden, it ain't
what a ghost goes around.
432
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:02,060
I'm the ghost of Christmas present. I'm
up to the minute.
433
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:05,080
Constantly changing, ever evolving, yet
always on trend.
434
00:28:06,220 --> 00:28:07,420
Unstructured, yet tailored.
435
00:28:07,660 --> 00:28:11,040
Clean lines, sharp silhouette, but with
a whiff of the shambolic rock star. Do
436
00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:12,360
not criticise the clobber.
437
00:28:14,660 --> 00:28:16,760
You couldn't be bothered, could you?
438
00:28:17,140 --> 00:28:18,140
Nah.
439
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:22,680
That other fella I had here before, oh,
smashing he was.
440
00:28:23,260 --> 00:28:27,590
Yeah, he... He looked the part, see, he
was all done up in his costume, lovely
441
00:28:27,590 --> 00:28:30,110
pale face, and what a stench.
442
00:28:30,310 --> 00:28:33,430
He stank like a rancid old arse.
443
00:28:34,490 --> 00:28:38,350
Whereas you, you smell like... God, what
is that?
444
00:28:38,630 --> 00:28:39,930
That's Paul Smith's thumb hair.
445
00:28:42,650 --> 00:28:44,650
You're very effeminate for a ghost.
446
00:28:44,990 --> 00:28:48,230
Hey, don't play your games with me, Joni
Taylor, all right?
447
00:28:48,730 --> 00:28:51,410
You think your snide way remarks are
going to get a rise out of me? You've
448
00:28:51,410 --> 00:28:52,410
another thing coming.
449
00:28:52,470 --> 00:28:53,650
It's wake -up time, OK?
450
00:28:54,310 --> 00:28:57,830
Because the things I'm going to show you
tonight will leave you horrified by
451
00:28:57,830 --> 00:28:58,830
what you've become.
452
00:28:59,310 --> 00:29:02,870
And just for the record, there is
nothing effeminate about me, OK?
453
00:29:03,970 --> 00:29:05,730
Oh, risotto, risotto, risotto!
454
00:29:08,530 --> 00:29:09,690
A bum text.
455
00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:14,230
Yeah, well, you know, risotto's are
notoriously difficult to time.
456
00:29:14,630 --> 00:29:15,630
Joanie!
457
00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:17,740
keep your skinny jeans on.
458
00:29:20,700 --> 00:29:21,880
This ain't marketing.
459
00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:23,920
Number 12.
460
00:29:25,220 --> 00:29:26,580
The third ball out.
461
00:29:26,860 --> 00:29:29,640
Number 44. We've got 43.
462
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,240
The fourth ball.
463
00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:33,520
Number 27.
464
00:29:34,060 --> 00:29:35,060
Oh, well.
465
00:29:35,780 --> 00:29:37,700
Never mind, it's always next thing.
466
00:29:38,580 --> 00:29:39,600
Very unlikely.
467
00:29:40,580 --> 00:29:42,680
The odds are stacked right against them.
468
00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,600
Especially with you as treasurer of the
syndicate, hmm?
469
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,760
Now, I always finish because I've had
just about enough of all this.
470
00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:51,020
Afraid not.
471
00:29:51,260 --> 00:29:53,200
There's one more family I'd like you to
see.
472
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,820
We're not going to ditch him, is it, Al?
473
00:29:58,020 --> 00:30:02,000
The family who travelled hundreds of
miles to spend Christmas with you. The
474
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,240
family you threw out.
475
00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:08,520
The family who are spending their
Christmas in a coach depot waiting for a
476
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:10,120
home that is never going to come.
477
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:16,560
Look at her with him. He's starving.
478
00:30:17,140 --> 00:30:18,180
Oh, you lot.
479
00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:21,880
They only do these at Christmas.
480
00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:25,840
Roast turkey and stuffing flavoured
chisels.
481
00:30:27,540 --> 00:30:31,920
I love you, Bob Cratchit.
482
00:30:32,460 --> 00:30:33,840
Don't forget her with him.
483
00:31:03,370 --> 00:31:04,410
sleeping off his lunch.
484
00:31:06,890 --> 00:31:10,550
Everything I've shown you is a
consequence of your actions. You caused
485
00:31:11,090 --> 00:31:13,010
You killed Tiny Tim.
486
00:31:15,350 --> 00:31:18,330
Right, Joanie, Joanie, Joanie, that's me
away.
487
00:31:18,950 --> 00:31:19,950
What are you doing?
488
00:31:20,270 --> 00:31:22,790
I'm getting my best shot, but you're a
pain in the arse, are you?
489
00:31:23,270 --> 00:31:25,270
I'm away to update my status on
Facebook.
490
00:31:25,590 --> 00:31:29,510
The ghost of Christmas present is just
about ready for bed after another
491
00:31:29,510 --> 00:31:31,130
exhausting day's haunting.
492
00:31:32,590 --> 00:31:38,510
As you know, you have one more
visitation to come. And I'm sorry to
493
00:31:38,510 --> 00:31:42,830
the worst. I don't mean to scare you,
but at the same time, best you know,
494
00:31:43,070 --> 00:31:45,710
bottom line... You're not on.
495
00:31:50,270 --> 00:31:51,570
Goodbye, Joni Taylor.
496
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:52,910
We'll be back in a minute.
497
00:31:54,230 --> 00:31:55,590
We can't mean he's going to miss you.
498
00:31:58,030 --> 00:31:59,030
Don't worry, love.
499
00:31:59,290 --> 00:32:01,230
You can always follow me on Twitter.
500
00:32:40,590 --> 00:32:41,590
Guess again.
501
00:32:41,890 --> 00:32:47,490
I'm hundreds of years old. I'm decrepit
and decaying. You'd like to see the back
502
00:32:47,490 --> 00:32:49,890
of me, but I'm here for all eternity.
503
00:32:50,610 --> 00:32:52,330
Oh, that's Bruce Forsythe, then.
504
00:32:53,910 --> 00:32:55,550
No, think again.
505
00:32:56,110 --> 00:33:02,710
I cause pain and suffering wherever I
go. I am the scourge of all
506
00:33:02,710 --> 00:33:03,710
mankind.
507
00:33:04,350 --> 00:33:05,670
Not Jedward.
508
00:33:13,100 --> 00:33:15,200
I am the ghost of Christmas future.
509
00:33:15,500 --> 00:33:17,520
I am here to warn you.
510
00:33:17,780 --> 00:33:19,400
You're supposed to be frightening me.
511
00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:21,440
Yes.
512
00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:23,840
The short film was my idea.
513
00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:24,979
Oh, I see.
514
00:33:24,980 --> 00:33:26,540
I thought it would make me look more
scary.
515
00:33:26,780 --> 00:33:27,499
Did you?
516
00:33:27,500 --> 00:33:29,060
Did you think it was a bit pretentious?
517
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,940
Well, I hope they didn't give you Arts
Council grant for that shit.
518
00:33:34,660 --> 00:33:36,640
No, they haven't got back to me.
519
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,360
Oh, you're a useless mob.
520
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:44,780
The first one breaks me door in. Second
one nearly set me kitchen alight. And
521
00:33:44,780 --> 00:33:48,880
the third one's an experimental
filmmaker wracked with self -doubt.
522
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:56,260
They told me you were a nutter. I was
looking forward to that. I am a nutter.
523
00:33:56,380 --> 00:33:57,700
Yeah, look at this.
524
00:33:58,160 --> 00:33:59,160
What's that, a skull?
525
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:01,000
Yeah, scary, isn't it?
526
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,200
Not really.
527
00:34:02,580 --> 00:34:04,580
No, but look, it lights up.
528
00:34:06,180 --> 00:34:08,920
I'm a nutter, a scary nutter.
529
00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:13,500
Make me sick, the lot of you.
530
00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:20,179
Not one of you has had the decency to
turn up here with a white sheet over
531
00:34:20,179 --> 00:34:23,020
head with two holes cut out for the
eyes.
532
00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,980
Now, if you'd have come in, wafting
around like that, you'd have frightened
533
00:34:26,980 --> 00:34:28,060
fucking life out of me.
534
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:30,440
No.
535
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:32,000
No.
536
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,380
No one of you has got any imagination.
537
00:34:36,820 --> 00:34:37,820
Well, what are you doing?
538
00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:40,000
I'm sitting down in my chair.
539
00:34:40,500 --> 00:34:41,500
Yop.
540
00:34:43,429 --> 00:34:49,389
Joni Taylor, I command you to come with
me on a journey to the future to see
541
00:34:49,389 --> 00:34:53,810
things more terrifying and spine
-chilling than anything you've ever seen
542
00:34:53,810 --> 00:34:54,810
your worst nightmares.
543
00:34:55,389 --> 00:34:59,410
Yeah, ordinarily I would, love, but
they're rerunning Midsomer Murders on
544
00:35:01,330 --> 00:35:04,070
Look, work with me here, Joni, love. We
have to go.
545
00:35:04,430 --> 00:35:07,410
No. I am not leaving this chair.
546
00:35:08,010 --> 00:35:13,490
Right. If that's the way you want it,
hold on tight.
547
00:35:17,690 --> 00:35:18,950
Now, that was naughty.
548
00:35:19,270 --> 00:35:20,710
I could have sky -plashed that.
549
00:35:22,750 --> 00:35:27,490
Now, this is what I call a proper night
out.
550
00:35:29,270 --> 00:35:33,190
Oh, that's where the congestion sound
starts.
551
00:35:45,970 --> 00:35:49,310
12 months from this very day.
552
00:35:54,570 --> 00:35:55,410
And
553
00:35:55,410 --> 00:36:07,430
the
554
00:36:07,430 --> 00:36:09,370
final number on this Christmas lottery.
555
00:36:11,150 --> 00:36:17,070
Number 13. What are
556
00:36:17,070 --> 00:36:22,110
the chances?
557
00:36:23,790 --> 00:36:26,310
Well, let's find out, shall we?
558
00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:59,620
That's what I said to Mr Patel.
559
00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:02,980
Which can I spend yours on?
560
00:37:04,140 --> 00:37:05,800
Our fanciest twigs.
561
00:37:08,060 --> 00:37:10,720
Joni, where are you going?
562
00:37:11,100 --> 00:37:17,100
Joni Taylor, come here. Come back here,
Joni Taylor.
563
00:37:18,060 --> 00:37:21,380
They know she can run that fast with her
bunions.
564
00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:26,380
It's a surprisingly number for someone
who's just lost £15 million.
565
00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:29,780
Where's my Jamie?
566
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,560
This is a very proud day for Jamie and
Stephanie.
567
00:37:33,020 --> 00:37:34,020
He's had a baby.
568
00:37:34,220 --> 00:37:36,420
My Jamie's had a baby.
569
00:37:37,140 --> 00:37:42,440
I welcome into God's family little baby
Ludwig Brian Taylor.
570
00:37:43,980 --> 00:37:44,980
Ludwig?
571
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,420
Oh, it's such a shame your nan couldn't
make it.
572
00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:58,980
To be honest, Bob, I've given up on her.
I've not been in contact with her for
573
00:37:58,980 --> 00:38:01,020
years. She just became intolerable.
574
00:38:01,260 --> 00:38:02,660
She's a wicked woman.
575
00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:04,420
So hard retired.
576
00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:06,180
She wouldn't even come to our wedding.
577
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,180
She's a shower crouch.
578
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,260
She's just not really the sort of person
we want around the baby.
579
00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:16,340
It's so sad what's happened to her. She
brought it on herself.
580
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:18,980
Come on now, Jamie. Good job. Yeah?
581
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:32,380
That's my first great -grandchild, and
she's fading it.
582
00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:33,720
Schnitzel!
583
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:35,020
Onwards.
584
00:38:35,260 --> 00:38:39,560
Here you are, ladies. Some nice mince
pies for after your Christmas dinner.
585
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:41,500
Just in time for the Queen's Bake.
586
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:43,000
Better put your teeth in.
587
00:38:44,500 --> 00:38:47,320
Benny, what's her tell you about
touching yourself in front of Her
588
00:38:56,970 --> 00:39:02,130
What's got two thumbs and hates your
guts?
589
00:39:03,110 --> 00:39:04,390
This girl!
590
00:39:09,770 --> 00:39:15,650
Has anyone come out to see me?
591
00:39:15,970 --> 00:39:19,970
No, nobody's come to see you. Nobody
ever comes to see you.
592
00:39:22,210 --> 00:39:24,090
No one's come out to see me.
593
00:39:26,730 --> 00:39:27,730
and save me.
594
00:39:28,950 --> 00:39:30,930
No one's come and saved me.
595
00:39:32,210 --> 00:39:36,330
No one's come and saved me. We therefore
commit the body of Joan Taylor to the
596
00:39:36,330 --> 00:39:37,330
ground.
597
00:39:37,990 --> 00:39:44,430
Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to
dust, in the sure and certain hope of
598
00:39:44,430 --> 00:39:46,710
the resurrection to eternal life.
599
00:39:50,650 --> 00:39:51,650
That's it.
600
00:39:54,330 --> 00:39:55,330
Oh, have we finished?
601
00:39:56,010 --> 00:39:57,170
Uh, uh, yeah.
602
00:39:58,870 --> 00:40:00,430
Right. That's that, then.
603
00:40:01,250 --> 00:40:04,150
You were right. This German house music
is the business.
604
00:40:04,590 --> 00:40:06,650
Yeah. So funky.
605
00:40:07,210 --> 00:40:08,210
You want pizza?
606
00:40:08,530 --> 00:40:09,650
Yes! Go on, then.
607
00:40:14,450 --> 00:40:15,510
No friends.
608
00:40:16,350 --> 00:40:17,350
No family.
609
00:40:18,150 --> 00:40:20,770
No one's got a good word to say about
me.
610
00:40:21,350 --> 00:40:22,970
Lying cold in me grave.
611
00:40:23,870 --> 00:40:28,710
And that... Puffs listening to German
house music. Oh, it can't end like this.
612
00:40:28,970 --> 00:40:29,970
It doesn't have to.
613
00:40:30,410 --> 00:40:33,930
This is the future. It's not like the
past because you can change it.
614
00:40:34,130 --> 00:40:35,750
I can change it? Yes.
615
00:40:36,130 --> 00:40:39,850
Change the future? By changing the
present, you change the future.
616
00:40:40,090 --> 00:40:42,550
I can change absolutely anything?
617
00:40:42,790 --> 00:40:44,430
Yes. So what's it going to be?
618
00:40:45,790 --> 00:40:48,470
Could I bring back love, Joy? I do miss
it.
619
00:40:50,610 --> 00:40:51,910
No, Joanie.
620
00:40:52,940 --> 00:40:57,240
If you could live your life again, what
would you do differently?
621
00:40:57,820 --> 00:40:59,800
Search me, laugh, I've got no idea.
622
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:04,100
Well, you'd better think of something,
because otherwise all of these visions
623
00:41:04,100 --> 00:41:05,100
will come true.
624
00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:08,140
So think on, Joanie Taylor.
625
00:41:10,380 --> 00:41:11,380
Think on.
626
00:41:43,770 --> 00:41:45,570
Everything's... Everything's back to
normal.
627
00:41:47,690 --> 00:41:48,910
This is my chance.
628
00:41:49,790 --> 00:41:51,250
Those ghosts were right.
629
00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:54,350
I do need to change my ways.
630
00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:14,060
Christmas Day, Nan.
631
00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:15,760
It's a Christmas Day.
632
00:42:16,060 --> 00:42:17,420
I ain't missed it.
633
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,120
No, you haven't missed it. You all
right?
634
00:42:19,380 --> 00:42:20,319
All right.
635
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,960
I've never felt better.
636
00:42:22,700 --> 00:42:25,700
Tell me, is the Poulterers open today?
637
00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:27,019
The what?
638
00:42:27,020 --> 00:42:29,300
The butchers that specialise in poultry.
639
00:42:29,980 --> 00:42:31,520
No, that'll be shut today, Nan.
640
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:33,540
Is a normal butcher's open then?
641
00:42:33,780 --> 00:42:35,060
No, that'll be closed as well.
642
00:42:35,380 --> 00:42:37,300
How? Well, is anywhere open?
643
00:42:37,820 --> 00:42:40,300
Mr Patel's on the corner is open, I
think.
644
00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:46,819
goose, Nan.
645
00:42:46,820 --> 00:42:48,080
All right, then. Get us a turkey.
646
00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:50,860
He won't have a turkey, either. He's a
newsagent.
647
00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:53,560
Has he still got that freezer round the
back?
648
00:42:53,860 --> 00:42:54,779
I think so.
649
00:42:54,780 --> 00:42:57,600
Fetch us a frozen chicken. We'll stick
it in a microwave.
650
00:42:58,600 --> 00:42:59,600
Oh, Jamie.
651
00:43:00,540 --> 00:43:02,360
Go and get them crutches.
652
00:43:02,740 --> 00:43:04,360
Go and get everyone.
653
00:43:04,660 --> 00:43:06,660
We're going to have a party.
654
00:43:07,100 --> 00:43:08,900
Brilliant. Here, Jamie.
655
00:43:09,220 --> 00:43:12,000
Yeah? Happy Christmas, sweetheart.
656
00:43:12,740 --> 00:43:14,080
Happy Christmas, Nan.
657
00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:23,040
at such short notice, darling.
658
00:43:23,300 --> 00:43:27,260
You've put on a marvellous spread and
you've worked wonders with that frozen
659
00:43:27,260 --> 00:43:29,140
chicken. There you go, darling.
660
00:43:30,460 --> 00:43:32,540
It's amazing what you can do with a few
slots.
661
00:43:32,820 --> 00:43:33,820
No touch.
662
00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:36,480
Oh,
663
00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:38,040
here they are.
664
00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:40,100
It's Christmas!
665
00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:44,400
It's looking so festive in here.
666
00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:49,100
Oh, you've got my darlings. What's that
down by that Christmas tree? I think,
667
00:43:49,100 --> 00:43:50,660
Father, Christmas has left you
something.
668
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:58,020
I've made up the bedding in the spare
room. You stay as long as you like.
669
00:43:58,340 --> 00:44:01,760
Oh, Auntie Joan, I don't know what to
say. No, darling, it's me who don't know
670
00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:05,900
what to say. I'll never forgive myself
for the way I treated you, but it's all
671
00:44:05,900 --> 00:44:06,900
in the past now.
672
00:44:07,180 --> 00:44:08,180
It's happy Christmas, eh?
673
00:44:08,340 --> 00:44:09,540
Ow. Ow.
674
00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:11,420
It's me tiny Tim.
675
00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:14,700
Hello, darling.
676
00:44:15,100 --> 00:44:18,160
I've got a nice tin of chum for you back
there, yes, I have.
677
00:44:18,660 --> 00:44:21,440
But for God's sake, keep him away from
them crisps.
678
00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:26,240
I hope it'll be all right. with his
tummy, it's very easily upset.
679
00:44:26,660 --> 00:44:29,500
Don't worry about it, sweetheart. If he
shits himself, he shits himself.
680
00:44:31,140 --> 00:44:32,580
It's only Lino.
681
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:37,000
Go on, darling. Help yourself to
whatever you want.
682
00:44:38,220 --> 00:44:40,060
Where's my lovely Stephanie?
683
00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,940
Oh, she went back to Bavaria. It was all
really last minute. She said she felt
684
00:44:43,940 --> 00:44:47,960
home sick. In fact, I'm not sure it was
really working out. Oh, no, my boy.
685
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:49,980
It's probably for the best.
686
00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:51,240
Yeah.
687
00:44:55,470 --> 00:44:56,510
There was a party.
688
00:44:56,790 --> 00:44:58,070
You're not wrong, sweetheart.
689
00:44:58,610 --> 00:45:01,050
Oh, what a... Bread. I know.
690
00:45:01,270 --> 00:45:02,270
Here, here.
691
00:45:02,490 --> 00:45:04,650
Them mince pies are bionic.
692
00:45:04,970 --> 00:45:06,130
They're organic, Nan.
693
00:45:08,230 --> 00:45:10,610
Oh, don't say that. I've already eaten
two.
694
00:45:11,770 --> 00:45:13,470
No luck on the lottery, then?
695
00:45:13,810 --> 00:45:17,630
Oh, no luck. But, you know, I've got a
very good feeling about next year.
696
00:45:17,870 --> 00:45:19,990
Still, it all goes to a good cause.
697
00:45:20,190 --> 00:45:22,250
Oh, well, that reminds me, sweetheart.
698
00:45:25,070 --> 00:45:29,750
whip round for the over -sixties club.
Now, there's a nice few quid in there.
699
00:45:30,150 --> 00:45:34,030
Well done, Joni. We can get a
trampoline.
700
00:45:34,710 --> 00:45:38,950
Go on, help yourselves to drinks, girls,
whatever you want.
701
00:45:39,310 --> 00:45:43,850
Look, man, I and Joni got me a games
console and that new game, Pins,
702
00:45:43,850 --> 00:45:44,970
Prostitutes and Gums.
703
00:45:45,590 --> 00:45:46,590
Come on.
704
00:45:46,830 --> 00:45:48,110
You enjoy it.
705
00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:56,740
is a one -stop winter wonderland.
706
00:45:58,520 --> 00:45:59,880
Merry Christmas.
707
00:46:00,260 --> 00:46:01,360
One and all.
708
00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:03,200
Merry Christmas.
709
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:04,800
I'm all right.
710
00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:06,260
Are you all right?
711
00:46:07,140 --> 00:46:08,600
Are you all right?
712
00:46:08,900 --> 00:46:10,140
I'm all right.
713
00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:11,960
I'm all right.
714
00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:16,120
Here. You up for a song now, then?
715
00:46:16,420 --> 00:46:20,340
Yeah. Oh, I see, darling. Go on. I mean,
it's Christmas. Knock yourselves out.
716
00:46:20,580 --> 00:46:23,240
Good King Winston's last note.
717
00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:33,320
then we're having a party. Don't you
know anything a bit more upbeat?
718
00:46:33,820 --> 00:46:36,120
Well, we might know another song or two.
719
00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:38,080
Go on, then. Hey, we'll give it a shot.
720
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:39,400
What?
721
00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:59,080
Trying not to think of when the
lunchtime bell will ring again. Oh, what
722
00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:00,080
had.
723
00:47:00,620 --> 00:47:03,980
Trying different ways to make it
interesting.
724
00:47:04,620 --> 00:47:09,260
Oh, what fun we had. But at the time it
seemed so right. Trying different ways
725
00:47:09,260 --> 00:47:10,980
to make a difference too.
726
00:47:11,340 --> 00:47:15,400
Got it. All society not to die. All the
kids have gone away.
727
00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:17,160
Trying different ways to make it
interesting.
728
00:47:17,660 --> 00:47:18,920
That isn't the rule.
729
00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:20,560
We're not afraid to try.
730
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:22,100
We're not afraid to try.
731
00:47:41,730 --> 00:47:42,970
Get him, Tony!
732
00:48:13,360 --> 00:48:14,360
Hello, sweetheart.
733
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:16,040
Hello, Great Aunt Joanie.
734
00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:17,400
What's the matter, sweetheart?
735
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:18,800
Can't you sleep?
736
00:48:18,980 --> 00:48:21,800
Oh, yeah. I just got up to come and say
goodnight.
737
00:48:22,160 --> 00:48:23,440
Oh, goodnight, sweetheart.
738
00:48:23,980 --> 00:48:25,120
Can I have a little kiss?
739
00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:27,600
Thank you.
740
00:48:28,660 --> 00:48:30,680
It's been the best Christmas ever.
741
00:48:31,100 --> 00:48:32,940
You're not wrong there, darling.
742
00:48:33,220 --> 00:48:36,380
Go on, you go back to bed and I'll see
you in the morning.
55936
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