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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:25,880 Christmas. 2 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:27,800 Nan? 3 00:00:28,020 --> 00:00:30,400 Nan? Turn them lights off. 4 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:31,700 It's really cold up here, Nan. 5 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:33,320 Keep your coat on then. 6 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:34,680 Ah, ah, ah, ah. 7 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:39,380 Don't go near that fire. I can't afford it. Where are you? What are you doing, 8 00:00:39,480 --> 00:00:40,660 Nan? Have you been sitting in the dark? 9 00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:44,640 No, of course I ain't. You haven't even got the telly on. Nan, are you all 10 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,600 right? Of course I'm all right. 11 00:00:46,940 --> 00:00:47,940 Nan, what's going on? 12 00:00:54,860 --> 00:00:55,860 are you dressed like that? 13 00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,040 It's flannelette. 14 00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:02,540 You want to try it? It'll be a lot warmer than that spandex you like to 15 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:03,540 about in. 16 00:01:04,560 --> 00:01:06,220 I'm surprised to see you anyway. 17 00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:11,460 Christmas Eve, I thought you'd be out drinking down that wine bar you like to 18 00:01:11,460 --> 00:01:13,920 to. You and your friend, Stefan. 19 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:16,439 What's it called? 20 00:01:16,440 --> 00:01:17,720 She's called Stephanie, actually. 21 00:01:18,020 --> 00:01:20,400 Oh, I can't think. What's the name of it? She's my girlfriend. 22 00:01:20,820 --> 00:01:23,720 Nah, I can't remember. What'd they call it? And she's from Munich. 23 00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:30,980 Hamburg. German gay bar. 24 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:35,660 What will I think of next? 25 00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:40,740 We wish you a merry Christmas. Oh, that's all I need. Oh, 26 00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:42,680 come on, Nan. 27 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:44,380 Nan, Nan. 28 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:48,180 Not having this show. You and your king. 29 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,600 We wish you a merry Christmas. 30 00:02:01,740 --> 00:02:03,820 Knocking on decent people's houses. 31 00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:06,180 Christmas Eve? Look at that racket. 32 00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:07,540 I'm very sorry. 33 00:02:07,940 --> 00:02:10,639 Which are collecting for the kids at the children's home? 34 00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:13,440 Yeah, you make me sick, you lot. 35 00:02:13,660 --> 00:02:18,200 With your smiley faces and your festive cheer and your charity box. 36 00:02:18,500 --> 00:02:19,620 Where's your Christmas spirit? 37 00:02:19,880 --> 00:02:21,780 Oh, shove it up your arse! 38 00:02:33,290 --> 00:02:38,050 on me door, cheering me up with carols. Oh, that is madness. 39 00:02:43,210 --> 00:02:46,050 What's the matter with you? Uncle Bob and his family will be here soon. You're 40 00:02:46,050 --> 00:02:47,410 not going to be like this, are you? Who? 41 00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:48,770 Bob. Bob? 42 00:02:49,310 --> 00:02:52,270 Bob? Bob's coming in? I don't know no Bob. 43 00:02:52,590 --> 00:02:55,530 Yeah, you do. Uncle Bob, you know, from Grandad's side of the family. 44 00:02:56,070 --> 00:02:57,310 Not Northern Bob. 45 00:02:59,050 --> 00:03:01,190 Not Bob the Northerner. 46 00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:05,010 Uncle Bob, Julie and the kids, they're coming for Christmas. 47 00:03:05,530 --> 00:03:07,190 Not the Cratchits. 48 00:03:07,570 --> 00:03:10,070 Not that miserable, scrounging mob. 49 00:03:10,570 --> 00:03:14,210 Nan, don't say that. You know they've had a terrible year. What, another one? 50 00:03:15,190 --> 00:03:16,910 Bob lost his job, they've got no money. 51 00:03:17,390 --> 00:03:20,250 Julie said for the last few months they've been living on pot noodles and 52 00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:22,850 Krispies. That's a very healthy diet for a northerner. 53 00:03:24,550 --> 00:03:25,550 Nan. 54 00:03:25,870 --> 00:03:27,830 They're not bringing that dog, are they? 55 00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:29,790 Scavenging mutt. 56 00:03:30,120 --> 00:03:32,780 It's only a little thing, isn't it? It's one of them miniature ones. 57 00:03:33,060 --> 00:03:34,800 What do they call it? It's only tiny. 58 00:03:35,500 --> 00:03:36,500 Tim. Yeah. 59 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:39,400 Yeah, it is tiny. 60 00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:40,820 Tim. 61 00:03:41,660 --> 00:03:43,380 Look, Nan, they'll be arriving soon. 62 00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:45,040 What are they doing coming up here? 63 00:03:45,360 --> 00:03:47,960 They're coming for Christmas lunch. They've been looking forward to it for 64 00:03:48,340 --> 00:03:49,340 Who arranged that? 65 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,500 You did. 66 00:03:50,560 --> 00:03:53,660 Me? At little Charlotte's first Holy Communion back in July. 67 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,240 Oh, she's a fat child. 68 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:57,320 Nan, you promised. 69 00:03:57,740 --> 00:03:59,440 I'm putting her in that white dress to help. 70 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:04,000 Nan. See how at least that veil over her head covered up her lazy eyes. 71 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,420 Oh, oh, here they are. 72 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,360 Oh, hold on to your hats. 73 00:04:10,900 --> 00:04:11,900 I'll let them in. 74 00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:16,459 Now, remember, Nan, it is Christmas. Yeah, yeah, don't remind me. 75 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:19,380 Oh, Nan, it's not the Cratchits, it's Nellie from upstairs. 76 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:20,820 Oh, not her. 77 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,180 Hello, new love. 78 00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:25,700 Hello, Joanie, dear. 79 00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,660 I don't know what's happened to Uncle Bob. They left Yorkshire this morning. 80 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,360 Well, it's for long ways from walking clubs. 81 00:04:31,780 --> 00:04:33,040 Merry Christmas. 82 00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,060 Is it? I hadn't noticed. 83 00:04:35,420 --> 00:04:40,100 Sit down, Nellie. Oh, here, here's your bunions, Nell. Do you want a bowl of hot 84 00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,520 water to soak your feet while you're there? Oh, no, thanks. 85 00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:46,300 You might as well, Jamie, get over there and give Nellie's feet a rub. 86 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:50,020 No, that won't be necessary. 87 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:51,320 It don't mind. 88 00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:52,560 It's a university. 89 00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:54,220 Oh. 90 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:58,280 No, I can't stay long. I just brought this week's lottery money. 91 00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,560 Oh, oh, lovely. 92 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:04,700 What lottery money is that, Nan? Your Nan's the treasurer of the over -60s 93 00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:09,520 lottery syndicate. Actually, she takes the money down every week for us. 94 00:05:09,820 --> 00:05:11,560 Oh, that's really good of you, Nan. 95 00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:12,920 Well, I have me moment. 96 00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:15,620 Well, I won't keep you at this busy time. 97 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,460 Ah, all right. Now, here, darling. 98 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:22,320 I've got a good feeling about this week. Me too. And it's a rollover. 99 00:05:26,770 --> 00:05:28,210 She's a lovely woman. 100 00:05:30,370 --> 00:05:32,870 I didn't know you did the lottery. 101 00:05:33,570 --> 00:05:34,570 I don't. 102 00:05:37,990 --> 00:05:40,590 So when are you going to take their money down and buy the tickets? 103 00:05:40,950 --> 00:05:41,950 I'm not. 104 00:05:43,550 --> 00:05:45,850 You mean that's all their money? 105 00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:48,590 Oh, it's a waste of time anyway. 106 00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:51,130 Lottery. They're never going to win. 107 00:05:52,830 --> 00:05:57,870 Oh. Oh, Jamie, I... before that lot get their thieving northern hands on it. 108 00:06:00,310 --> 00:06:02,410 Nan, you are unbelievable. 109 00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:04,610 Oh, chillax! 110 00:06:08,610 --> 00:06:09,610 We're here! 111 00:06:10,830 --> 00:06:13,650 Eight and a half hours on a coach, but we made it. 112 00:06:24,750 --> 00:06:28,770 here auntie joan call blimey apples and pears do what governor strike a light is 113 00:06:28,770 --> 00:06:33,290 that the sound of bow bells happy 114 00:06:33,290 --> 00:06:36,870 christmas auntie joanie 115 00:06:36,870 --> 00:06:46,110 who's 116 00:06:46,110 --> 00:06:52,050 that who's what now the door oh that was so that's just bob cratchit and his 117 00:06:52,050 --> 00:06:55,880 family yeah they couldn't How long they've had to go back up to the North 118 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:56,880 Country. 119 00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:00,100 You going to get that, Nan? 120 00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:04,000 No, no. Probably just Jehovah's Witness, innit? 121 00:07:04,620 --> 00:07:07,960 Well, I'll get it, but I want you to remember, Nan, it's Christmas, OK? 122 00:07:08,180 --> 00:07:09,380 Goodwill to all men. 123 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,260 Yeah, you would say that. 124 00:07:14,140 --> 00:07:18,300 Nan, Uncle Bob and his family ain't gone home. They were waiting to come in. 125 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,060 I thought you were on a tight schedule, love. You know what, we've been another 126 00:07:23,060 --> 00:07:24,700 eight and a half hours to get back. 127 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,240 We hope you don't mind, Auntie Joanie, but we brought our Tim. 128 00:07:28,480 --> 00:07:29,620 He's not been very well. 129 00:07:29,980 --> 00:07:31,420 He's got a stomach complaint. 130 00:07:31,940 --> 00:07:33,980 We thought he might die, Auntie Joanie. 131 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:37,580 He's not been very well, but he's going to have a smashing Christmas in London, 132 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:38,640 aren't you, our Tim? 133 00:07:38,740 --> 00:07:41,000 Not if he starts shitting on my floor, he won't. 134 00:07:42,220 --> 00:07:44,460 Mind you, you little rat. 135 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:45,720 What was that? 136 00:07:47,690 --> 00:07:50,550 Our Ashley, our Chloe. Go on, give it to her, then. No, thank you. Go on. 137 00:07:51,290 --> 00:07:52,289 What's that, then? 138 00:07:52,290 --> 00:07:53,290 Oh! 139 00:07:53,710 --> 00:07:55,710 Happy Christmas, Auntie Joanie. 140 00:07:56,130 --> 00:07:57,130 Oh, how lovely. 141 00:07:57,570 --> 00:07:58,670 Oh, what's that, then? 142 00:07:59,950 --> 00:08:06,690 A donation has been made in your name 143 00:08:06,690 --> 00:08:10,990 to the mobile library of the Sudan. 144 00:08:13,010 --> 00:08:18,530 It's a picture of an Arab man standing next to a... donkey with half a dozen 145 00:08:18,530 --> 00:08:20,330 copies of the Da Vinci Code structure. 146 00:08:22,450 --> 00:08:24,930 It's an alternative Christmas gift. 147 00:08:25,570 --> 00:08:27,190 Alternative to what? Something I wanted? 148 00:08:29,370 --> 00:08:30,430 It's for charity. 149 00:08:31,450 --> 00:08:32,450 Don't you like it? 150 00:08:34,370 --> 00:08:38,309 Right. Well, it's been lovely seeing you, but I don't want to keep you, so 151 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,309 thanks for coming. 152 00:08:39,730 --> 00:08:42,409 I thought we were stopping here with you, Auntie Joan. 153 00:08:42,650 --> 00:08:43,990 What? What are you? Hi. 154 00:08:47,910 --> 00:08:49,550 but you said we could come here for Christmas. 155 00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:50,830 You said? 156 00:08:51,110 --> 00:08:52,350 I was blunt, I'm telling. 157 00:08:52,890 --> 00:08:55,890 I also said I was going to break dance on Britain's Got Talent. 158 00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:58,910 What can I tell you? Things don't always work out. 159 00:08:59,270 --> 00:09:02,730 But it's Christmas Eve and we've nowhere else to stay. And the coaches have 160 00:09:02,730 --> 00:09:03,589 stopped running. 161 00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:06,810 What about the stream, then? But it's so cold out there. 162 00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:09,690 Come on, Nan, you've got that big extra room, you never use it. 163 00:09:09,990 --> 00:09:11,610 That was your grandfather's study. 164 00:09:12,270 --> 00:09:15,430 I ain't been in there since he died seven years ago. 165 00:09:16,170 --> 00:09:17,270 My poor Jake. 166 00:09:17,740 --> 00:09:18,840 God rest his soul. 167 00:09:19,380 --> 00:09:20,600 Oh, I don't miss him. 168 00:09:20,860 --> 00:09:22,800 Grandad didn't have a study. He was a greengrocer. 169 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:27,960 He used to sit in that room and read books about vegetables. 170 00:09:28,820 --> 00:09:32,200 What he didn't know about tomatoes weren't worth knowing. 171 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:34,400 Tomatoes are a fruit. 172 00:09:34,900 --> 00:09:35,920 Oh, he didn't know that. 173 00:09:38,820 --> 00:09:41,780 Nan, if you don't let them stay, they'll be out on the streets with nowhere to 174 00:09:41,780 --> 00:09:42,780 go at Christmas. 175 00:09:43,820 --> 00:09:44,820 Please, Nan. 176 00:09:45,540 --> 00:09:46,540 What do you say? 177 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:51,400 No! 178 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:53,180 Look, it's fine. 179 00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:55,040 We're sorry for the misunderstanding. 180 00:09:55,660 --> 00:09:56,660 It's all right. 181 00:09:56,760 --> 00:09:59,420 Come on, you lot, we'll make do as best as we can. 182 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:00,519 Is it goodbye? 183 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:02,040 What about our Christmas dinner? 184 00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:04,100 Don't you worry about it, Ashley. You'll not go without. 185 00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:05,079 That's it. 186 00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,080 Take that! 187 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,940 Before we go, Auntie Joanie, could we trouble you for a bowl of water? 188 00:10:10,220 --> 00:10:11,220 It's our tin. 189 00:10:11,660 --> 00:10:12,780 It's parched. 190 00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:14,440 What is it with this people? 191 00:10:14,740 --> 00:10:16,700 Go and piss yourself out of it! 192 00:10:31,530 --> 00:10:33,490 of the Sue fucking Dan. 193 00:10:34,570 --> 00:10:35,570 Have a look. 194 00:10:35,630 --> 00:10:37,950 Have a look. The man ain't got no shoes. 195 00:10:38,230 --> 00:10:41,090 What's he going to do with Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fucking Fire? 196 00:10:45,970 --> 00:10:47,430 Throwing out your own family. 197 00:10:47,790 --> 00:10:49,730 That is the worst thing you've ever done. 198 00:10:50,430 --> 00:10:51,670 Happy Christmas, Nan. 199 00:10:51,930 --> 00:10:52,930 Yeah. 200 00:10:53,990 --> 00:10:54,990 Christmas? 201 00:10:55,850 --> 00:10:56,850 Why... 202 00:11:56,530 --> 00:12:01,830 Jake Taylor, your husband, back from the dead. Here to warn you. 203 00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:04,150 What's he talking like that for? 204 00:12:04,530 --> 00:12:05,790 Oh, they're all doing it up there. 205 00:12:07,890 --> 00:12:09,710 You sound like a simpleton. 206 00:12:09,970 --> 00:12:11,190 Oh, don't start. 207 00:12:11,570 --> 00:12:13,990 I said as soon as I turn up, it'll be planet earache. 208 00:12:14,290 --> 00:12:18,070 You might try and look a bit pleased to see me. I've been dead for seven years. 209 00:12:18,430 --> 00:12:20,590 No shatty noise. I never asked you to come back. 210 00:12:21,350 --> 00:12:23,570 What did you bury me with a ukulele for? 211 00:12:24,290 --> 00:12:25,610 I thought it made you look... 212 00:12:27,630 --> 00:12:30,410 Flamboyant. I bet I look ridiculous in that coffin. 213 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,130 You did get a lot of comments. 214 00:12:32,410 --> 00:12:32,869 Did I? 215 00:12:32,870 --> 00:12:34,650 Yeah, mainly that you look ridiculous. 216 00:12:35,850 --> 00:12:37,790 What did you put me in this suit for? 217 00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,890 That's the suit you married me in. Yeah, in 1955. 218 00:12:41,870 --> 00:12:43,950 I've put on four stones since then. 219 00:12:44,270 --> 00:12:47,310 The waistband's cutting into me like a bleeding cheese wire. 220 00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:49,590 Don't blame me, you fat git. 221 00:12:50,550 --> 00:12:53,030 Here, I've got something important to tell you. 222 00:12:53,270 --> 00:12:58,520 Oh, yeah, that'll be a first. I am here to warn you that on this Christmas 223 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,120 night... Oh, later. 224 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,340 You've gone too far this time, Joanie. Slinging out the cratchits like that, 225 00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:09,480 you're getting meaner every year. But your day of reckoning is nigh. 226 00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:11,340 What are you talking about? 227 00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:13,380 My day of reckoning? 228 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:16,760 Tonight, you will be visited by three ghosts. 229 00:13:17,140 --> 00:13:18,140 So, two more? 230 00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,420 No, no, three more. 231 00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:20,820 So, four including you? 232 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:22,760 Well, no, I'm more of an apparition. 233 00:13:23,080 --> 00:13:28,940 Anyway, the point is, they're coming here to show you the error of your ways. 234 00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:32,900 There ain't no error in my ways. Oh, I ain't got time for this. 235 00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:35,200 I'm fading. 236 00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,460 I missed you, Joni. 237 00:13:37,980 --> 00:13:38,980 Missed you. 238 00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,260 It's lonely out there without you. 239 00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,080 That's it, go and piss off back to Narnia. 240 00:14:48,110 --> 00:14:49,690 after accusing a post office shop. 241 00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:53,730 Look, if you don't let me in, you're going to regret it. 242 00:14:53,950 --> 00:14:56,370 Well, if you ain't got no idea, you ain't coming in. 243 00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,890 I've got a 17th century ducat. 244 00:14:59,330 --> 00:15:01,050 There's no need for language like that. 245 00:15:35,500 --> 00:15:38,220 this once a year. I'm a bit out of practice. It's not like riding a bike, 246 00:15:38,220 --> 00:15:40,160 know. Well, you ought to put the hours in, Sam. 247 00:15:41,340 --> 00:15:43,040 Because that is unacceptable. 248 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:46,759 Don't worry. 249 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,260 Amazingly, it'll all be fixed in the morning. 250 00:15:49,100 --> 00:15:50,160 You're no ghost. 251 00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:51,560 Oh, yes I am. 252 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,700 Prove it. 253 00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:06,680 That's day one. 254 00:16:41,610 --> 00:16:44,190 No, actually, they teach us how to do this. 255 00:16:45,730 --> 00:16:46,730 Well, 256 00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:51,010 if that's all you've got in your locker, son, I don't think this haunting 257 00:16:51,010 --> 00:16:52,130 thing's going to work out. 258 00:16:53,590 --> 00:16:54,990 OK, fine, fine. 259 00:16:55,430 --> 00:16:57,350 Fine! How about this? 260 00:16:59,150 --> 00:17:03,330 Go on, hit me with that. Go straight through me, won't feel a thing. I don't 261 00:17:03,330 --> 00:17:04,750 think we should chance it, love. 262 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,400 I've got a taste in my mouth. 263 00:17:23,339 --> 00:17:24,339 I'll sit down. 264 00:17:24,900 --> 00:17:26,619 I feel better. 265 00:17:27,560 --> 00:17:28,560 Ta -da! 266 00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:31,540 I think you should leave. 267 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,640 How dare you? 268 00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:38,040 I'm here to show you that you've taken the wrong path. 269 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:42,760 And the only way to avert a dire future is to remind yourself of who you once 270 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:46,180 were. How are you going to show me anything you can't even float? 271 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,000 I'm a good ghost. I'm just a bit rusty. These are no work! 272 00:17:56,340 --> 00:17:59,380 I'm going to take you right back to where it all started. 273 00:18:25,350 --> 00:18:26,350 That is impressive. 274 00:18:27,170 --> 00:18:28,370 I know this. 275 00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:31,590 And that's my ass. 276 00:18:32,090 --> 00:18:33,430 When I grow up. 277 00:18:33,910 --> 00:18:35,590 And that's me. 278 00:18:36,450 --> 00:18:37,590 Your younger self. 279 00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,290 She's looking right at me. 280 00:18:40,590 --> 00:18:41,590 Don't worry. 281 00:18:41,610 --> 00:18:42,610 You're invisible. 282 00:18:43,650 --> 00:18:45,330 You've made me invisible. 283 00:18:46,410 --> 00:18:48,950 You're cooking with gas now, fella. 284 00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:52,770 There you are. 285 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,760 Come on, Joanie, it's time to go to bed. 286 00:18:55,620 --> 00:18:56,620 Hey, my mother. 287 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:58,240 Look, Mummy, it's Snowy. 288 00:18:58,700 --> 00:18:59,700 Oh, 289 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,060 we're having a white Christmas after all. 290 00:19:02,620 --> 00:19:04,960 Now, don't forget to put your stocking out for Father Christmas. 291 00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:08,260 Look, I've got him a mince pie and some milk. 292 00:19:12,040 --> 00:19:14,440 Is there really such a thing as Father Christmas? 293 00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:16,880 I hope there is, darling. 294 00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,260 Now, go to sleep. You'll be here soon. 295 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:23,660 I look like an angel. 296 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:25,200 You do. 297 00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:27,880 I can't wait till morning. 298 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,800 He's been! He's been! 299 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:50,080 A tangerine. One lousy, poxy, solitary 300 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:51,080 tangerine. 301 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:59,260 bleeders, rolled me mince pie, and knocked back all me milk, and he's left 302 00:19:59,260 --> 00:20:00,260 piddling bit of fruit. 303 00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:02,860 Bearded, fat -ass bastards. 304 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:04,520 What a fucking liberty. 305 00:20:07,820 --> 00:20:08,820 Christmas? 306 00:20:09,220 --> 00:20:10,780 What a load of old shit. 307 00:20:14,020 --> 00:20:15,800 Oh, that is extra. 308 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,700 Oh, this is fantastic. 309 00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:20,980 Where am I next? 310 00:20:24,229 --> 00:20:25,229 Yeah, it's no biggie. 311 00:21:05,450 --> 00:21:06,530 Merry Christmas, Mrs. Jackson. 312 00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:08,490 Is Joanie in? Who might you be? 313 00:21:08,750 --> 00:21:09,750 Jake Taylor. 314 00:21:09,770 --> 00:21:12,210 Taylor? Not the Taylors from Lee Street? 315 00:21:12,850 --> 00:21:13,709 That's it. 316 00:21:13,710 --> 00:21:18,130 Oh, no, the Taylors. I used to knock about with a reamy Taylor years ago. 317 00:21:18,770 --> 00:21:19,770 That's my mum. 318 00:21:19,870 --> 00:21:21,490 Does she still like the sailors? 319 00:21:22,810 --> 00:21:25,690 Sailors? Oh, your mum likes a sailor or two. 320 00:21:27,930 --> 00:21:29,170 Let's see where you get it from. 321 00:21:29,810 --> 00:21:30,890 Is Joanie in? 322 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,740 the looks of you, we can rule out that fella from the Congo. 323 00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:44,000 Is she in at all? 324 00:21:45,100 --> 00:21:45,979 Who is it? 325 00:21:45,980 --> 00:21:48,700 Joni. Only I'd be ever so grateful if I could have a word with her. 326 00:21:48,900 --> 00:21:52,280 Make sure that's all it is, young man. And mind you, keep both feet on the 327 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:53,139 at all times. 328 00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:54,140 Right you are. 329 00:21:55,100 --> 00:21:58,180 Joni! One of your fancy men here to see you. 330 00:21:58,540 --> 00:21:59,800 The one with the ears. 331 00:22:02,180 --> 00:22:03,740 Oh, my poor Jake. 332 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:07,700 Him and his brothers never did find out who their fathers were. 333 00:22:08,740 --> 00:22:11,680 Billy, Bobby, Mickey, Jimmy, and little Afro George. 334 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,400 Hello, Joanie. 335 00:22:14,980 --> 00:22:15,980 Hello, yourself. 336 00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,240 Cool, you look nice. 337 00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:19,420 That top don't half make your knockers look big. 338 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,080 Thanks very much. 339 00:22:22,860 --> 00:22:26,740 Those trousers don't half make... What can I do for you? I wanted to ask you. 340 00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:30,820 Yeah? Well, I wanted to ask you if you fancied coming out with me one night. 341 00:22:31,380 --> 00:22:32,380 Oh, yeah. 342 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:35,640 Where? I thought I could take you down here, Padron. Go dancing. 343 00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:38,300 Dancing. They've got a rock and roll band. 344 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:40,040 Benny Walnut and the Cobblers. 345 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:41,640 Sounds like fun. 346 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:42,760 How about it, then? 347 00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:43,819 I'd love to. 348 00:22:43,820 --> 00:22:45,400 Terrific. I'll pick you up next Saturday night. 349 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,720 Oh, I can't make Saturday. How about Friday? I can't make Friday. How about 350 00:22:48,720 --> 00:22:51,620 Sunday? I can't make Sunday. How about Tuesday? I can't make Tuesday. How about 351 00:22:51,620 --> 00:22:54,480 Thursday? I can't make Thursday. How about Monday? I can't make Monday. How 352 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,100 about... Oh, why don't you fuck off? 353 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:01,600 So you never did go dancing. That's a shame. 354 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:02,800 Oh, no, we did. 355 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:04,420 In the end, we went on a Wednesday. 356 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:06,040 Oh, look. 357 00:23:06,300 --> 00:23:07,300 Here he comes again. 358 00:23:41,919 --> 00:23:44,080 This is going to be the best Christmas ever. 359 00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:45,540 Oh, we will have a laugh. 360 00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,740 Got your glass of cherries. Oh, lovely. 361 00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:49,200 Nice spot of Campari. 362 00:23:49,500 --> 00:23:51,340 Well, you've got to have a Christmas tipple. 363 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:55,160 We'll cuddle up on the sofa in front of that box, watch Morecambe and Wise. Oh, 364 00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:56,200 I can't wait. 365 00:23:56,440 --> 00:24:01,060 And all because the lady loves milk tray. 366 00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:03,800 Oh, you're on a devil. 367 00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:05,540 Come here, come on, give us a kiss. 368 00:24:05,960 --> 00:24:07,300 Do you get me a pickle, won't you? 369 00:24:19,950 --> 00:24:22,430 Why don't you get them yourself, you ungrateful old mare? 370 00:24:22,910 --> 00:24:26,270 When have I got time to go down the shops, you evil git? 371 00:24:26,610 --> 00:24:29,370 Oh, you know plenty of time if you haven't stood out in that street jaw 372 00:24:29,370 --> 00:24:33,190 -jawing, you interfering old trollop. Well, you know better, child, always 373 00:24:33,190 --> 00:24:35,790 the betting shop, you no -good dirty pillow. 374 00:24:36,050 --> 00:24:38,290 Why don't you give it a rest, you rancid old crow? 375 00:24:38,530 --> 00:24:41,910 You make me sick, you useless lump of shit. 376 00:24:42,210 --> 00:24:42,989 Are you finished? 377 00:24:42,990 --> 00:24:44,910 Because I think my ear holes are bleeding. 378 00:24:45,370 --> 00:24:46,370 You're the... 379 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:00,440 He was right. 380 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:04,280 That was the best Christmas ever. Oh, no, no! 381 00:25:04,500 --> 00:25:05,500 Don't you get it? 382 00:25:06,780 --> 00:25:08,240 That's not what Christmas is about! 383 00:25:08,700 --> 00:25:10,480 Well, it weren't, mate. I forgot to pick a walnut. 384 00:25:11,340 --> 00:25:12,340 You know what I think? 385 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:14,740 I think you don't know how to be happy. 386 00:25:15,180 --> 00:25:17,060 I think you're afraid. 387 00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:22,300 I think if you could just let people in, then maybe, just maybe, you'd actually 388 00:25:22,300 --> 00:25:24,220 enjoy Christmas for once! 389 00:25:24,620 --> 00:25:27,460 Who do you think you are, Jeremy, Blade and Carl? 390 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:28,920 Who's Jeremy Kyle? 391 00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:30,340 Oh, he's fantastic. 392 00:25:30,980 --> 00:25:37,420 He gets a lot of odd -marked simple people, he lines them up, he shouts at 393 00:25:37,540 --> 00:25:40,580 and then he makes them take a lie detector test. 394 00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:42,580 Wallet. 395 00:25:42,980 --> 00:25:43,980 I give up. 396 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:45,160 I give up! 397 00:25:46,020 --> 00:25:47,360 I need a drink. 398 00:25:48,460 --> 00:25:50,280 There, fancy little Guinness. 399 00:25:52,560 --> 00:25:55,180 Oh, this pub will shut out my flat. 400 00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:57,620 Oh, it's my flat. 401 00:25:59,820 --> 00:26:01,380 Bloody ghosts. 402 00:26:29,350 --> 00:26:30,730 Makes me laugh every time. 403 00:26:33,070 --> 00:26:34,870 Hello, ghosty Christmas present. 404 00:26:36,170 --> 00:26:39,770 That's all I need, innit? A Scotch ghost with a comedy ringtone. 405 00:26:41,070 --> 00:26:42,070 Oh, hiya. 406 00:26:43,010 --> 00:26:45,830 No, I'm just in the middle of a wee job. Can I call you back? 407 00:26:47,270 --> 00:26:51,270 OK, let's get started. Now, have you got any of the porcini mushrooms? 408 00:26:51,970 --> 00:26:54,650 Because I see you have a wee tonne of the button variety, but they've not got 409 00:26:54,650 --> 00:26:55,650 the same zip. 410 00:26:55,850 --> 00:26:56,850 Oh, give me strength. 411 00:26:57,350 --> 00:26:59,910 I've got a wee resort to on the go. Don't think we should travel on an empty 412 00:26:59,910 --> 00:27:02,390 stomach. So, porcini mushrooms? 413 00:27:03,310 --> 00:27:06,910 Yes, love. They'll be in me fridge next to me Chinese water spinach. 414 00:27:07,430 --> 00:27:08,430 Fantastic. 415 00:27:10,570 --> 00:27:12,570 I don't see any Chinese water spinach. 416 00:27:12,950 --> 00:27:13,789 Do you, darling? 417 00:27:13,790 --> 00:27:16,970 Oh, do you know what? They've probably fallen down by me goji berries. 418 00:27:19,210 --> 00:27:20,210 No. 419 00:27:21,430 --> 00:27:23,030 I can't seem to find it in a hen. 420 00:27:23,370 --> 00:27:24,370 Mum! 421 00:27:25,930 --> 00:27:27,090 Are you sure they're in there? 422 00:27:27,350 --> 00:27:28,350 Of course they're not. 423 00:27:29,330 --> 00:27:31,730 What's the matter with you? What do you think this is, Saturday Kitchen? 424 00:27:32,950 --> 00:27:34,170 Oh, I love that show. 425 00:27:35,130 --> 00:27:36,690 James Martin, don't get me started. 426 00:27:37,310 --> 00:27:40,590 Well, it's just as well he can cook, cos he dances like he's shit himself. 427 00:27:43,390 --> 00:27:45,650 I'm sorry, but his cha -cha -cha was a triumph. 428 00:27:46,030 --> 00:27:47,770 What are you now, a bear? It's a ghost. 429 00:27:48,610 --> 00:27:50,910 And not much of one by the looks of you. 430 00:27:51,210 --> 00:27:53,570 It's fine with the way I look. It's just Giorgio Armani. 431 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,740 care if it's Georgia Asden, it ain't what a ghost goes around. 432 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:02,060 I'm the ghost of Christmas present. I'm up to the minute. 433 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:05,080 Constantly changing, ever evolving, yet always on trend. 434 00:28:06,220 --> 00:28:07,420 Unstructured, yet tailored. 435 00:28:07,660 --> 00:28:11,040 Clean lines, sharp silhouette, but with a whiff of the shambolic rock star. Do 436 00:28:11,040 --> 00:28:12,360 not criticise the clobber. 437 00:28:14,660 --> 00:28:16,760 You couldn't be bothered, could you? 438 00:28:17,140 --> 00:28:18,140 Nah. 439 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:22,680 That other fella I had here before, oh, smashing he was. 440 00:28:23,260 --> 00:28:27,590 Yeah, he... He looked the part, see, he was all done up in his costume, lovely 441 00:28:27,590 --> 00:28:30,110 pale face, and what a stench. 442 00:28:30,310 --> 00:28:33,430 He stank like a rancid old arse. 443 00:28:34,490 --> 00:28:38,350 Whereas you, you smell like... God, what is that? 444 00:28:38,630 --> 00:28:39,930 That's Paul Smith's thumb hair. 445 00:28:42,650 --> 00:28:44,650 You're very effeminate for a ghost. 446 00:28:44,990 --> 00:28:48,230 Hey, don't play your games with me, Joni Taylor, all right? 447 00:28:48,730 --> 00:28:51,410 You think your snide way remarks are going to get a rise out of me? You've 448 00:28:51,410 --> 00:28:52,410 another thing coming. 449 00:28:52,470 --> 00:28:53,650 It's wake -up time, OK? 450 00:28:54,310 --> 00:28:57,830 Because the things I'm going to show you tonight will leave you horrified by 451 00:28:57,830 --> 00:28:58,830 what you've become. 452 00:28:59,310 --> 00:29:02,870 And just for the record, there is nothing effeminate about me, OK? 453 00:29:03,970 --> 00:29:05,730 Oh, risotto, risotto, risotto! 454 00:29:08,530 --> 00:29:09,690 A bum text. 455 00:29:10,290 --> 00:29:14,230 Yeah, well, you know, risotto's are notoriously difficult to time. 456 00:29:14,630 --> 00:29:15,630 Joanie! 457 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:17,740 keep your skinny jeans on. 458 00:29:20,700 --> 00:29:21,880 This ain't marketing. 459 00:29:22,920 --> 00:29:23,920 Number 12. 460 00:29:25,220 --> 00:29:26,580 The third ball out. 461 00:29:26,860 --> 00:29:29,640 Number 44. We've got 43. 462 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:31,240 The fourth ball. 463 00:29:32,180 --> 00:29:33,520 Number 27. 464 00:29:34,060 --> 00:29:35,060 Oh, well. 465 00:29:35,780 --> 00:29:37,700 Never mind, it's always next thing. 466 00:29:38,580 --> 00:29:39,600 Very unlikely. 467 00:29:40,580 --> 00:29:42,680 The odds are stacked right against them. 468 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:45,600 Especially with you as treasurer of the syndicate, hmm? 469 00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:49,760 Now, I always finish because I've had just about enough of all this. 470 00:29:50,020 --> 00:29:51,020 Afraid not. 471 00:29:51,260 --> 00:29:53,200 There's one more family I'd like you to see. 472 00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:56,820 We're not going to ditch him, is it, Al? 473 00:29:58,020 --> 00:30:02,000 The family who travelled hundreds of miles to spend Christmas with you. The 474 00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,240 family you threw out. 475 00:30:03,840 --> 00:30:08,520 The family who are spending their Christmas in a coach depot waiting for a 476 00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:10,120 home that is never going to come. 477 00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:16,560 Look at her with him. He's starving. 478 00:30:17,140 --> 00:30:18,180 Oh, you lot. 479 00:30:20,040 --> 00:30:21,880 They only do these at Christmas. 480 00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:25,840 Roast turkey and stuffing flavoured chisels. 481 00:30:27,540 --> 00:30:31,920 I love you, Bob Cratchit. 482 00:30:32,460 --> 00:30:33,840 Don't forget her with him. 483 00:31:03,370 --> 00:31:04,410 sleeping off his lunch. 484 00:31:06,890 --> 00:31:10,550 Everything I've shown you is a consequence of your actions. You caused 485 00:31:11,090 --> 00:31:13,010 You killed Tiny Tim. 486 00:31:15,350 --> 00:31:18,330 Right, Joanie, Joanie, Joanie, that's me away. 487 00:31:18,950 --> 00:31:19,950 What are you doing? 488 00:31:20,270 --> 00:31:22,790 I'm getting my best shot, but you're a pain in the arse, are you? 489 00:31:23,270 --> 00:31:25,270 I'm away to update my status on Facebook. 490 00:31:25,590 --> 00:31:29,510 The ghost of Christmas present is just about ready for bed after another 491 00:31:29,510 --> 00:31:31,130 exhausting day's haunting. 492 00:31:32,590 --> 00:31:38,510 As you know, you have one more visitation to come. And I'm sorry to 493 00:31:38,510 --> 00:31:42,830 the worst. I don't mean to scare you, but at the same time, best you know, 494 00:31:43,070 --> 00:31:45,710 bottom line... You're not on. 495 00:31:50,270 --> 00:31:51,570 Goodbye, Joni Taylor. 496 00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:52,910 We'll be back in a minute. 497 00:31:54,230 --> 00:31:55,590 We can't mean he's going to miss you. 498 00:31:58,030 --> 00:31:59,030 Don't worry, love. 499 00:31:59,290 --> 00:32:01,230 You can always follow me on Twitter. 500 00:32:40,590 --> 00:32:41,590 Guess again. 501 00:32:41,890 --> 00:32:47,490 I'm hundreds of years old. I'm decrepit and decaying. You'd like to see the back 502 00:32:47,490 --> 00:32:49,890 of me, but I'm here for all eternity. 503 00:32:50,610 --> 00:32:52,330 Oh, that's Bruce Forsythe, then. 504 00:32:53,910 --> 00:32:55,550 No, think again. 505 00:32:56,110 --> 00:33:02,710 I cause pain and suffering wherever I go. I am the scourge of all 506 00:33:02,710 --> 00:33:03,710 mankind. 507 00:33:04,350 --> 00:33:05,670 Not Jedward. 508 00:33:13,100 --> 00:33:15,200 I am the ghost of Christmas future. 509 00:33:15,500 --> 00:33:17,520 I am here to warn you. 510 00:33:17,780 --> 00:33:19,400 You're supposed to be frightening me. 511 00:33:20,440 --> 00:33:21,440 Yes. 512 00:33:22,160 --> 00:33:23,840 The short film was my idea. 513 00:33:24,120 --> 00:33:24,979 Oh, I see. 514 00:33:24,980 --> 00:33:26,540 I thought it would make me look more scary. 515 00:33:26,780 --> 00:33:27,499 Did you? 516 00:33:27,500 --> 00:33:29,060 Did you think it was a bit pretentious? 517 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,940 Well, I hope they didn't give you Arts Council grant for that shit. 518 00:33:34,660 --> 00:33:36,640 No, they haven't got back to me. 519 00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,360 Oh, you're a useless mob. 520 00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:44,780 The first one breaks me door in. Second one nearly set me kitchen alight. And 521 00:33:44,780 --> 00:33:48,880 the third one's an experimental filmmaker wracked with self -doubt. 522 00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:56,260 They told me you were a nutter. I was looking forward to that. I am a nutter. 523 00:33:56,380 --> 00:33:57,700 Yeah, look at this. 524 00:33:58,160 --> 00:33:59,160 What's that, a skull? 525 00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:01,000 Yeah, scary, isn't it? 526 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,200 Not really. 527 00:34:02,580 --> 00:34:04,580 No, but look, it lights up. 528 00:34:06,180 --> 00:34:08,920 I'm a nutter, a scary nutter. 529 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:13,500 Make me sick, the lot of you. 530 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:20,179 Not one of you has had the decency to turn up here with a white sheet over 531 00:34:20,179 --> 00:34:23,020 head with two holes cut out for the eyes. 532 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,980 Now, if you'd have come in, wafting around like that, you'd have frightened 533 00:34:26,980 --> 00:34:28,060 fucking life out of me. 534 00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:30,440 No. 535 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:32,000 No. 536 00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:35,380 No one of you has got any imagination. 537 00:34:36,820 --> 00:34:37,820 Well, what are you doing? 538 00:34:38,080 --> 00:34:40,000 I'm sitting down in my chair. 539 00:34:40,500 --> 00:34:41,500 Yop. 540 00:34:43,429 --> 00:34:49,389 Joni Taylor, I command you to come with me on a journey to the future to see 541 00:34:49,389 --> 00:34:53,810 things more terrifying and spine -chilling than anything you've ever seen 542 00:34:53,810 --> 00:34:54,810 your worst nightmares. 543 00:34:55,389 --> 00:34:59,410 Yeah, ordinarily I would, love, but they're rerunning Midsomer Murders on 544 00:35:01,330 --> 00:35:04,070 Look, work with me here, Joni, love. We have to go. 545 00:35:04,430 --> 00:35:07,410 No. I am not leaving this chair. 546 00:35:08,010 --> 00:35:13,490 Right. If that's the way you want it, hold on tight. 547 00:35:17,690 --> 00:35:18,950 Now, that was naughty. 548 00:35:19,270 --> 00:35:20,710 I could have sky -plashed that. 549 00:35:22,750 --> 00:35:27,490 Now, this is what I call a proper night out. 550 00:35:29,270 --> 00:35:33,190 Oh, that's where the congestion sound starts. 551 00:35:45,970 --> 00:35:49,310 12 months from this very day. 552 00:35:54,570 --> 00:35:55,410 And 553 00:35:55,410 --> 00:36:07,430 the 554 00:36:07,430 --> 00:36:09,370 final number on this Christmas lottery. 555 00:36:11,150 --> 00:36:17,070 Number 13. What are 556 00:36:17,070 --> 00:36:22,110 the chances? 557 00:36:23,790 --> 00:36:26,310 Well, let's find out, shall we? 558 00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:59,620 That's what I said to Mr Patel. 559 00:37:01,040 --> 00:37:02,980 Which can I spend yours on? 560 00:37:04,140 --> 00:37:05,800 Our fanciest twigs. 561 00:37:08,060 --> 00:37:10,720 Joni, where are you going? 562 00:37:11,100 --> 00:37:17,100 Joni Taylor, come here. Come back here, Joni Taylor. 563 00:37:18,060 --> 00:37:21,380 They know she can run that fast with her bunions. 564 00:37:22,960 --> 00:37:26,380 It's a surprisingly number for someone who's just lost £15 million. 565 00:37:28,500 --> 00:37:29,780 Where's my Jamie? 566 00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:32,560 This is a very proud day for Jamie and Stephanie. 567 00:37:33,020 --> 00:37:34,020 He's had a baby. 568 00:37:34,220 --> 00:37:36,420 My Jamie's had a baby. 569 00:37:37,140 --> 00:37:42,440 I welcome into God's family little baby Ludwig Brian Taylor. 570 00:37:43,980 --> 00:37:44,980 Ludwig? 571 00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,420 Oh, it's such a shame your nan couldn't make it. 572 00:37:55,680 --> 00:37:58,980 To be honest, Bob, I've given up on her. I've not been in contact with her for 573 00:37:58,980 --> 00:38:01,020 years. She just became intolerable. 574 00:38:01,260 --> 00:38:02,660 She's a wicked woman. 575 00:38:03,240 --> 00:38:04,420 So hard retired. 576 00:38:04,840 --> 00:38:06,180 She wouldn't even come to our wedding. 577 00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,180 She's a shower crouch. 578 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,260 She's just not really the sort of person we want around the baby. 579 00:38:12,640 --> 00:38:16,340 It's so sad what's happened to her. She brought it on herself. 580 00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:18,980 Come on now, Jamie. Good job. Yeah? 581 00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:32,380 That's my first great -grandchild, and she's fading it. 582 00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:33,720 Schnitzel! 583 00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:35,020 Onwards. 584 00:38:35,260 --> 00:38:39,560 Here you are, ladies. Some nice mince pies for after your Christmas dinner. 585 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:41,500 Just in time for the Queen's Bake. 586 00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:43,000 Better put your teeth in. 587 00:38:44,500 --> 00:38:47,320 Benny, what's her tell you about touching yourself in front of Her 588 00:38:56,970 --> 00:39:02,130 What's got two thumbs and hates your guts? 589 00:39:03,110 --> 00:39:04,390 This girl! 590 00:39:09,770 --> 00:39:15,650 Has anyone come out to see me? 591 00:39:15,970 --> 00:39:19,970 No, nobody's come to see you. Nobody ever comes to see you. 592 00:39:22,210 --> 00:39:24,090 No one's come out to see me. 593 00:39:26,730 --> 00:39:27,730 and save me. 594 00:39:28,950 --> 00:39:30,930 No one's come and saved me. 595 00:39:32,210 --> 00:39:36,330 No one's come and saved me. We therefore commit the body of Joan Taylor to the 596 00:39:36,330 --> 00:39:37,330 ground. 597 00:39:37,990 --> 00:39:44,430 Earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in the sure and certain hope of 598 00:39:44,430 --> 00:39:46,710 the resurrection to eternal life. 599 00:39:50,650 --> 00:39:51,650 That's it. 600 00:39:54,330 --> 00:39:55,330 Oh, have we finished? 601 00:39:56,010 --> 00:39:57,170 Uh, uh, yeah. 602 00:39:58,870 --> 00:40:00,430 Right. That's that, then. 603 00:40:01,250 --> 00:40:04,150 You were right. This German house music is the business. 604 00:40:04,590 --> 00:40:06,650 Yeah. So funky. 605 00:40:07,210 --> 00:40:08,210 You want pizza? 606 00:40:08,530 --> 00:40:09,650 Yes! Go on, then. 607 00:40:14,450 --> 00:40:15,510 No friends. 608 00:40:16,350 --> 00:40:17,350 No family. 609 00:40:18,150 --> 00:40:20,770 No one's got a good word to say about me. 610 00:40:21,350 --> 00:40:22,970 Lying cold in me grave. 611 00:40:23,870 --> 00:40:28,710 And that... Puffs listening to German house music. Oh, it can't end like this. 612 00:40:28,970 --> 00:40:29,970 It doesn't have to. 613 00:40:30,410 --> 00:40:33,930 This is the future. It's not like the past because you can change it. 614 00:40:34,130 --> 00:40:35,750 I can change it? Yes. 615 00:40:36,130 --> 00:40:39,850 Change the future? By changing the present, you change the future. 616 00:40:40,090 --> 00:40:42,550 I can change absolutely anything? 617 00:40:42,790 --> 00:40:44,430 Yes. So what's it going to be? 618 00:40:45,790 --> 00:40:48,470 Could I bring back love, Joy? I do miss it. 619 00:40:50,610 --> 00:40:51,910 No, Joanie. 620 00:40:52,940 --> 00:40:57,240 If you could live your life again, what would you do differently? 621 00:40:57,820 --> 00:40:59,800 Search me, laugh, I've got no idea. 622 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:04,100 Well, you'd better think of something, because otherwise all of these visions 623 00:41:04,100 --> 00:41:05,100 will come true. 624 00:41:06,240 --> 00:41:08,140 So think on, Joanie Taylor. 625 00:41:10,380 --> 00:41:11,380 Think on. 626 00:41:43,770 --> 00:41:45,570 Everything's... Everything's back to normal. 627 00:41:47,690 --> 00:41:48,910 This is my chance. 628 00:41:49,790 --> 00:41:51,250 Those ghosts were right. 629 00:41:52,010 --> 00:41:54,350 I do need to change my ways. 630 00:42:13,040 --> 00:42:14,060 Christmas Day, Nan. 631 00:42:14,480 --> 00:42:15,760 It's a Christmas Day. 632 00:42:16,060 --> 00:42:17,420 I ain't missed it. 633 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,120 No, you haven't missed it. You all right? 634 00:42:19,380 --> 00:42:20,319 All right. 635 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,960 I've never felt better. 636 00:42:22,700 --> 00:42:25,700 Tell me, is the Poulterers open today? 637 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:27,019 The what? 638 00:42:27,020 --> 00:42:29,300 The butchers that specialise in poultry. 639 00:42:29,980 --> 00:42:31,520 No, that'll be shut today, Nan. 640 00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:33,540 Is a normal butcher's open then? 641 00:42:33,780 --> 00:42:35,060 No, that'll be closed as well. 642 00:42:35,380 --> 00:42:37,300 How? Well, is anywhere open? 643 00:42:37,820 --> 00:42:40,300 Mr Patel's on the corner is open, I think. 644 00:42:46,160 --> 00:42:46,819 goose, Nan. 645 00:42:46,820 --> 00:42:48,080 All right, then. Get us a turkey. 646 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:50,860 He won't have a turkey, either. He's a newsagent. 647 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:53,560 Has he still got that freezer round the back? 648 00:42:53,860 --> 00:42:54,779 I think so. 649 00:42:54,780 --> 00:42:57,600 Fetch us a frozen chicken. We'll stick it in a microwave. 650 00:42:58,600 --> 00:42:59,600 Oh, Jamie. 651 00:43:00,540 --> 00:43:02,360 Go and get them crutches. 652 00:43:02,740 --> 00:43:04,360 Go and get everyone. 653 00:43:04,660 --> 00:43:06,660 We're going to have a party. 654 00:43:07,100 --> 00:43:08,900 Brilliant. Here, Jamie. 655 00:43:09,220 --> 00:43:12,000 Yeah? Happy Christmas, sweetheart. 656 00:43:12,740 --> 00:43:14,080 Happy Christmas, Nan. 657 00:43:21,640 --> 00:43:23,040 at such short notice, darling. 658 00:43:23,300 --> 00:43:27,260 You've put on a marvellous spread and you've worked wonders with that frozen 659 00:43:27,260 --> 00:43:29,140 chicken. There you go, darling. 660 00:43:30,460 --> 00:43:32,540 It's amazing what you can do with a few slots. 661 00:43:32,820 --> 00:43:33,820 No touch. 662 00:43:35,480 --> 00:43:36,480 Oh, 663 00:43:37,040 --> 00:43:38,040 here they are. 664 00:43:38,520 --> 00:43:40,100 It's Christmas! 665 00:43:42,620 --> 00:43:44,400 It's looking so festive in here. 666 00:43:44,720 --> 00:43:49,100 Oh, you've got my darlings. What's that down by that Christmas tree? I think, 667 00:43:49,100 --> 00:43:50,660 Father, Christmas has left you something. 668 00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:58,020 I've made up the bedding in the spare room. You stay as long as you like. 669 00:43:58,340 --> 00:44:01,760 Oh, Auntie Joan, I don't know what to say. No, darling, it's me who don't know 670 00:44:01,760 --> 00:44:05,900 what to say. I'll never forgive myself for the way I treated you, but it's all 671 00:44:05,900 --> 00:44:06,900 in the past now. 672 00:44:07,180 --> 00:44:08,180 It's happy Christmas, eh? 673 00:44:08,340 --> 00:44:09,540 Ow. Ow. 674 00:44:10,120 --> 00:44:11,420 It's me tiny Tim. 675 00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:14,700 Hello, darling. 676 00:44:15,100 --> 00:44:18,160 I've got a nice tin of chum for you back there, yes, I have. 677 00:44:18,660 --> 00:44:21,440 But for God's sake, keep him away from them crisps. 678 00:44:22,400 --> 00:44:26,240 I hope it'll be all right. with his tummy, it's very easily upset. 679 00:44:26,660 --> 00:44:29,500 Don't worry about it, sweetheart. If he shits himself, he shits himself. 680 00:44:31,140 --> 00:44:32,580 It's only Lino. 681 00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:37,000 Go on, darling. Help yourself to whatever you want. 682 00:44:38,220 --> 00:44:40,060 Where's my lovely Stephanie? 683 00:44:40,560 --> 00:44:43,940 Oh, she went back to Bavaria. It was all really last minute. She said she felt 684 00:44:43,940 --> 00:44:47,960 home sick. In fact, I'm not sure it was really working out. Oh, no, my boy. 685 00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:49,980 It's probably for the best. 686 00:44:50,240 --> 00:44:51,240 Yeah. 687 00:44:55,470 --> 00:44:56,510 There was a party. 688 00:44:56,790 --> 00:44:58,070 You're not wrong, sweetheart. 689 00:44:58,610 --> 00:45:01,050 Oh, what a... Bread. I know. 690 00:45:01,270 --> 00:45:02,270 Here, here. 691 00:45:02,490 --> 00:45:04,650 Them mince pies are bionic. 692 00:45:04,970 --> 00:45:06,130 They're organic, Nan. 693 00:45:08,230 --> 00:45:10,610 Oh, don't say that. I've already eaten two. 694 00:45:11,770 --> 00:45:13,470 No luck on the lottery, then? 695 00:45:13,810 --> 00:45:17,630 Oh, no luck. But, you know, I've got a very good feeling about next year. 696 00:45:17,870 --> 00:45:19,990 Still, it all goes to a good cause. 697 00:45:20,190 --> 00:45:22,250 Oh, well, that reminds me, sweetheart. 698 00:45:25,070 --> 00:45:29,750 whip round for the over -sixties club. Now, there's a nice few quid in there. 699 00:45:30,150 --> 00:45:34,030 Well done, Joni. We can get a trampoline. 700 00:45:34,710 --> 00:45:38,950 Go on, help yourselves to drinks, girls, whatever you want. 701 00:45:39,310 --> 00:45:43,850 Look, man, I and Joni got me a games console and that new game, Pins, 702 00:45:43,850 --> 00:45:44,970 Prostitutes and Gums. 703 00:45:45,590 --> 00:45:46,590 Come on. 704 00:45:46,830 --> 00:45:48,110 You enjoy it. 705 00:45:54,480 --> 00:45:56,740 is a one -stop winter wonderland. 706 00:45:58,520 --> 00:45:59,880 Merry Christmas. 707 00:46:00,260 --> 00:46:01,360 One and all. 708 00:46:01,840 --> 00:46:03,200 Merry Christmas. 709 00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:04,800 I'm all right. 710 00:46:05,240 --> 00:46:06,260 Are you all right? 711 00:46:07,140 --> 00:46:08,600 Are you all right? 712 00:46:08,900 --> 00:46:10,140 I'm all right. 713 00:46:10,960 --> 00:46:11,960 I'm all right. 714 00:46:13,760 --> 00:46:16,120 Here. You up for a song now, then? 715 00:46:16,420 --> 00:46:20,340 Yeah. Oh, I see, darling. Go on. I mean, it's Christmas. Knock yourselves out. 716 00:46:20,580 --> 00:46:23,240 Good King Winston's last note. 717 00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:33,320 then we're having a party. Don't you know anything a bit more upbeat? 718 00:46:33,820 --> 00:46:36,120 Well, we might know another song or two. 719 00:46:36,440 --> 00:46:38,080 Go on, then. Hey, we'll give it a shot. 720 00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:39,400 What? 721 00:46:54,920 --> 00:46:59,080 Trying not to think of when the lunchtime bell will ring again. Oh, what 722 00:46:59,080 --> 00:47:00,080 had. 723 00:47:00,620 --> 00:47:03,980 Trying different ways to make it interesting. 724 00:47:04,620 --> 00:47:09,260 Oh, what fun we had. But at the time it seemed so right. Trying different ways 725 00:47:09,260 --> 00:47:10,980 to make a difference too. 726 00:47:11,340 --> 00:47:15,400 Got it. All society not to die. All the kids have gone away. 727 00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:17,160 Trying different ways to make it interesting. 728 00:47:17,660 --> 00:47:18,920 That isn't the rule. 729 00:47:19,200 --> 00:47:20,560 We're not afraid to try. 730 00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:22,100 We're not afraid to try. 731 00:47:41,730 --> 00:47:42,970 Get him, Tony! 732 00:48:13,360 --> 00:48:14,360 Hello, sweetheart. 733 00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:16,040 Hello, Great Aunt Joanie. 734 00:48:16,360 --> 00:48:17,400 What's the matter, sweetheart? 735 00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:18,800 Can't you sleep? 736 00:48:18,980 --> 00:48:21,800 Oh, yeah. I just got up to come and say goodnight. 737 00:48:22,160 --> 00:48:23,440 Oh, goodnight, sweetheart. 738 00:48:23,980 --> 00:48:25,120 Can I have a little kiss? 739 00:48:26,560 --> 00:48:27,600 Thank you. 740 00:48:28,660 --> 00:48:30,680 It's been the best Christmas ever. 741 00:48:31,100 --> 00:48:32,940 You're not wrong there, darling. 742 00:48:33,220 --> 00:48:36,380 Go on, you go back to bed and I'll see you in the morning. 55936

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