Original subtitles

Are you sure, Bob? Frank, find me a cheeseburger van without a bag of

defrosting on the roof, and I'll happily, I stress happily, rabbit punch

in the testicles.

It's just a council inspector.

Megan? Megan? Her name's Megan, Frank.

And she and I are about to embark on a glorified first date.

She's been wriggling on my hook for weeks.

Today's the day I reel her in, remove the hook, and fry her up in breadcrumbs.

Oh, that sounds delicious.

Hendo? What's Megan doing with him?

Oh, dear, Bob.

Looks like you'll need to pop those breadcrumbs back into your pocket.

Good morning, Megan.

Hendo, this is an horrific surprise.

Mr. Henderson saw me at the bus stop and kindly offered me a list. Community

service.

Frank, please assist Megan in the inspection of our thriving local

Thank you, Bob. Megan, prepare to be wowed. I'll certainly try.

What's your game, Hendo?

Just helping out the council in these troubled times. Bollocks.

And if along the way, Megan, like so many before her, should be sent doolally

the Jag, then so be it.

Hendo. I'm entering the final phase of a scuff campaign. Don't get in my way.

It's out of my hands, Bob.

It's the jag.

Leather fittings, walnut handbrake. The scuff lose their marbles. I'm warning

you, Hendo.

So help me God. And that concludes your tour. So I'm returning you to where I

found you.

Megan, there's a restaurant in Canoosie that's been leaving the punters all

quite agog.

What's she... Sounds lovely. Megan.

Why don't I sweep you up there in the jag?

I'd be delighted and enchanted. Megan, when I think of you, I smile.

Megan, when I think of you, I genuinely fear self -combustion. Well, I'd better

get out of the blast zone.

I'll warm up the jag. I'll warm up your face.

Gentlemen, this is an official council visit.

Please, restrain yourselves.

You're right, Megan.

Hendo should be restrained.

Francis, finish up.

Thanks, Bob.

You know what, folks?

Some people think that a cheeseburger van's director of sauces only looks

sauces. That is, please forgive me, cock talk.

But hey, come on now.

Sauces are important. Of course they are. You've got your ketchup, your

your brown sauce, your light brown sauce. It's burger time. And what I like

call a gaggle.

For God's sake.

Call the police.

So, Megan, it appears it's you and me for tea.

Oh.

Number three.

Number three, step forward.

Would you like him to see the line?

Why not?

Number three, can you please say, Hendo, it's bunker time.

Louder. Endo!

Deeper.

Endo, it's burger time.

That's him.

Well, looking at the evidence, I suspect the burgers were dislodged by a small

-scale disaster.

A wee quake or a highly localised teffu.

Bob, as you know, after the cheeseburger wars, we adopted a hero -tolerance

approach to all burger -related crime.

Mm -hm.

Let's be fast -tracked to court.

Uh -huh.

And as you know, I'm represented by Objection McNally.

I assume we are free to go.

Objection McNally.

A sight for sore eyes.

Ah. Hello, Bob.

Objection. The feds have stuck me on top charges just as I'm entering the

endgame of a scut project. I need you to call off the dogs.

I'm finished.

Finished? You're Objection McNally, the best lawyer in Broughty Ferry. I was.

What's the charge?

Aggravated assault with a bin bag of frozen burgers.

Back in the cheeseburger wars, I'd do ten of them a day.

I've forgotten more about frozen burger assaults than anyone I'll ever know.

Come on, objection.

Bob needs you here.

Shorted pieces, lads.

I get up in the morning and drink rum in the shower.

Nothing wrong with the occasional shower party. It's aftershocks on the bus.

Oh, well, that's... And the boys tell him he'd kill a pigeon.

Sorry? But then, you know what, Bob?

Maybe this is what I need.

Big case.

Put me back on track.

What was that thing about the pigeon? Yeah, we need to gather character

witnesses. Talk tactics.

Bob! I'll take this case.

I'm ready.

No, uh, objection.

No, you're not.

I need you to give me every legal book ever written.

I'll see what we have.

I really don't think this is a good idea, but... Oh, it's perfect, Frank,

perfect! Me in court defending myself, wowing the jury, reducing Megan's knees

to body.

I just think a certain amount of legal knowledge would appear vital. Oh, Frank,

being a lawyer is 1 % knowledge.

99 % showmanship.

Same as gymnasts and bin men. And I've got showmanship by the bucket pool.

And now I'm going to have the knowledge.

Have you got anything smaller?

No.

Eddie, thank you. Ah, nearly.

Ah, sorry, where are my manners?

This is my swimming instructor and girlfriend, Dorothy.

Hiya. Hi.

You don't need to do that with everyone, Frank.

You only got that out last

week. All finished.

Don't smile like that, Frank.

It's disgusting.

Sorry, Bob.

This must be hard for you.

Not hard.

Illegal. I'm a witness in your case.

They had to do it, didn't they?

They had to try and keep us apart.

Bob, we're not together.

Megan, with regards to this much whispered about Dilla... Absolutely not.

Can you imagine what prison would be like for a man of my looks?

I'd be a target for both genuine homosexuals and those who have

converted to the homosexual faith for the duration of their stay.

You've obviously given that bit of thought. Very briefly.

My point is that I've re -emerged as a desperately confused individual, so

get this dinner in while I'm still compass -mended. No, Bob.

No more contact until after your trial. So, that's a yes to the dinner after the

trial? I never mentioned dinner.

You're into that, eh? Look, if you're found entirely innocent, which seems

highly unlikely, then OK, one dinner.

Deal.

Unbelievable.

Bob, may I ask if you're ready?

To a ludicrous degree.

Have you read the book?

The book?

Oh, no, no, no, that didn't grab me at all.

What I have done over the last couple of days is dedicate many, many,

many hours to establishing a court style.

Well, perhaps if just some of those hours had been spent with the book...

Court style.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you are here to preside over a case of

aggravated assault.

Today, the accused will appear in his own defense.

The case will open with the Crown's evidence, and when you hear the

you should... Relax and enjoy yourselves.

Pay close attention.

My lady, my first witness is the victim, Mr Henderson.

Here we go. Thanks very much.

I'm not sure where I go. I got a wee bit disorientated, you see. Is that it?

Maybe give me a... With bells on.

Walk that.

That's it.

Thank you, thank you.

Thanks.

You're a... You're a diamond.

Mr Henderson, thank you for attending today in your clearly impaired

I'll accept two banjo dardens to take a maniac off the streets.

Please describe the events of last week outside the... Sorry, I presume this is

a typo.

Water, burger, disco?

Yes, well, I was out driving my Jag, or, as I often say, the Jag was driving me.

Oh, is that a joke?

When I noticed the female acquaintance at the bus stop, I offered her a smooth

ride to what I presumed was a scrapyard, but was actually a highly dilapidated

cheeseburger van.

It was manned by a wee guy with glasses and a shifty, out -of -shape gentleman

who seemed nervous in the presence of women.

Objection. On what basis? Slander. No, carry on.

And do you see there's men here today?

I do.

That's them.

Please continue.

Well, then, Mr. Servant climbed on the roof of the van and chucked a bin bag of

frozen burgers on me.

I suffered mind -numbing pain. Well, Mr. Servant produced a somewhat womanly

laugh. Objection. No.

No further questions.

Mr. Servant.

You know, folks, where I come from, we play a game called catch.

You start when you're wee and you never stop.

Swing by Safeways any Tuesday and you'll find myself and others, oh, many of

them strangers, happily playing catch in the vegetable section.

And when I lose, as I sometimes do, I don't call the police, dress up

like an Egyptian mummy.

to get a good man into trouble. I'd just go back to Safeways the following

Tuesday and start again.

Mr Servant, are you slowly working your way round to a point?

My point is this.

I don't know how the burgers fell on your head, Hendel, but it seems clear

you embarked on a high -stakes game of catch.

Sometimes you win.

Sometimes you lose.

These are the rules of catch.

And these, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, are the rules of life.

Mr Henderson was struck by the bag, then Mr Servant returned.

And did you see Mr Servant drop the bag?

I didn't. In terms of probability.

Oi!

She said her piece. Stop badgering her. Mr.

Servant, firstly, you will address the advocate with respect.

Secondly, your objection is upheld. You're leading the witness.

I think we've heard more than enough.

No further questions?

Your hair.

Dare I say, timidly? Mr.

Servant.

Bear with me, Scuffer.

Megan, I have here the evening menu for the money -free threshold that we've

been going round houses on.

Of course you do.

Exhibit A.

Francis.

Now, let's see.

Oh.

Oh, look at this.

Supreme of chicken with mushroom sauce.

$12 .95.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

My lady, couldn't Mr. Thurman continue his questioning off -menu?

I have no questions for this fine lady.

Because as you've just heard, she saw nothing.

So, I release you to go home, get your girlfriends over and...

Help choose a frock for the restaurant and, no doubt, tell a few lewd jokes

about the size of my... You know what.

This is anus.

I am the medical director of Broughty Ferry.

During the cheeseburger wars, we dealt with up to 20 cheeseburger -related

injuries a day.

So you studied the case?

Yes.

Mr. Henderson shows signs of a classic cheeseburger assault, frozen, from

at high speed.

No more questions.

All right, Doc.

Bob. So, you're an impartial witness.

That's correct, Bob.

Uh -huh, uh -huh.

In 1982, you and I met two sisters at the bowling club disco.

One was at the top drawer.

The other emerged from a somewhat lower drawer and walked with a

pronounced limp.

Now, I'm not going to say who bagged which sister, but your walk home that

must have taken many, many hours.

Is this relevant?

My lady! It's open to the defence to seek to determine whether there is

bias on behalf of the witness.

You said it, boss.

No more questions.

Bob, may I say, you are performing superbly.

At this rate, Frank, we'll be home by lunchtime.

Mr Servant, please take the stand.

I hope they've tied the roof down, folks, because I might just tack it off.

How would you describe yourself, Mr Servant?

Oh, just a wee lad, February 30.

I got lucky.

I meant professionally.

Cheeseburger Svengali.

And what made you throw the burgers onto Mr Henderson?

Well, during the cheeseburger wars, I fought what is known as a guerrilla

campaign, which often involved the use of the quadruple bluff.

You won't get me that easy.

Fine.

Did you throw the burgers? No.

Who did? No idea.

That's your evidence.

I think the roof's intact.

Not all witnesses come with storytelling ability.

Crafting a story, the twists and turns, it's a rare talent and...

Clearly one that Mr Servant sadly lacks.

There was another man on the roof of the van.

You're aware that you are contradicting your police statement.

That's the twist.

And who was this other man?

Sid. Sid? Sid.

Tell me more about Sid.

I only met him last week. How?

I was coming home from Stupot's bar when Sid approached me in an alleyway and

said he'd had great things about the Whataburger disco and asked for a job.

can you describe Sid?

Not really.

Average body.

I never really saw his face.

You never saw his face?

Well, the thing is that Sid, for whatever reason, goes through life

entirely covered in mud.

Apart from his eyes.

And his miss.

Okay, Mr. Servant, let me just get this straight.

On the way home from a public house, you met a complete stranger in an alley who

was comprehensively covered in mud.

And your reaction was to give him a job?

Correct.

Why? I believe in miracles.

You didn't find his behaviour odd?

I thought that was just said.

Being said. So, your defence today has shifted spectacularly to the assertion

that the bag of frozen burgers was thrown from the roof of the van by a

-covered man called Sid, who no one else happened to see.

Er, well, hang on a minute.

Let's go back. Sid was on the roof with you. One of you threw the burgers.

Who was it?

Sid.

My lady, that closes the Crown's case.

Ob, I beg you to forgive my language, but what in God's name was that

shite about Fred?

I felt like I was on the moon looking down in the courtroom and thinking, why

does that moron not stop talking?

And the moron, Frank, the moron was me.

I say that I'm a great fan of your stories, Bob, but Sid, as a character,

didn't feel believable.

I'm in trouble, Frank.

I'm in an enormous amount of trouble.

Bob, although I have the utmost confidence in your legal skills, I

took it upon myself, just as a wee precaution, to tell objection to get

character witnesses.

No, Frank.

I've got a better plan.

A biscuit for the tom -tom?

We can't talk.

Shh.

Bob and I were thinking that if there are this nonsense, you could do with a

break.

How would you like us to send you on a...

..off -peak, self

-catering mini -break in a static caravan in Port Laughery?

I suggest you leave.

I suggest you think about the sun in your face and the wind.

In your hair, nothing's this freedom like a static caravan.

That stuff I once said was a bit... Ridiculous. ...ahead of its time.

Bob, just plead guilty. You'd probably get community service.

Oh, Megan.

You're not the sort of woman to be sitting down to your tea with a

criminal. It's not about me, Bob.

I respectfully disagree.

Call objection.

Mr Servant, I invite you to present the case for the defence.

Do you have a defence?

Turn down.

It's this man they call Bob Seven.

Man's man.

Rogues charm.

The kind of guy you wouldn't mind sitting next to in the bus.

In fact, you'd be delighted. Correct.

Now, Mr McNally, you spent yesterday scouring Broughty Ferry, collecting

of character witnesses on my behalf.

That was the plan.

Unfortunately, I was sidetracked by an intriguing offer on dark rum in

bar. However, I did meet a fascinating man in a red jumper.

And?

Well, he didn't know you, Bob, but he did like rum.

So once me and him sort of fell into sync,

things got a wee bit out of hand.

I think we're straying a wee bit from the point. We had a few cans on the

Then we were running through the park, just laughing, really.

And then he had to go to work. Oh, and then things got really bad after that,

Bob. I remember being chased by a white -haired woman with a grudge.

And then a cyclist gave me absolute pelter. Mr Servant, this case is

the air of a farce. I couldn't agree more.

And then the next thing you know, I was in the bath.

And I'm thinking, well, thank God that's over, you know?

And then I remembered, Bob, I don't have a bath.

Stop talking, Objection.

Just stop talking.

My lady, we have no questions for Mr McNally, and note our surprise that the

defence doesn't have another witness listed.

We were hoping to hear from someone else who'd met the mysterious...

Sid.

Mr. Servant, are we to assume you've concluded your defence?

No.

I have a new witness who will tongue this whole fraggle on its head.

No way, Bob. No way, Jose.

Frank, if I get banged up... Then the Whataburger disco goes bust. I'm credit

crunched. It's back. We're up to see Frank. We'll take the van.

That's the first thing we'll take. Bob, I can't. And then Megan will head for

the house. It's all right for you with your girlfriend and your kamasutra. It's

perjury, Bob.

I'm no legal eagle, but I know that's heavily frowned upon.

What's going on?

Nothing. Bob wants me to say I saw the third guy.

That's perjury. Oh, so everyone's a perjury expert now. Don't even think

it. What's wrong with you?

Frank, listen to your boss.

No, Frank.

Listen to your fiancée.

You're what?

My lady, I object to this late addition. I'll allow it in the faint hope of

speeding up this case. You may proceed.

So, I believe you're newly engaged.

Yes.

To my swimming instructor and fiancée, Dorothy.

Were you planning on telling your best pal? Mr. Servant.

I don't know what's going on here, and I can't stress enough how much I don't

want to, but do we have a chance, however slim, of a relevant question?

Yes, Captain, we do.

Francis, when you were on the pier that fateful day,

did you happen to see a man called Sint drop a bag of burders

on Mr Henderson?

Well, I... My lady, the police interview is very clear.

The witness will answer.

I think... I think that at the

end of the day, when all's said and done, that I

might have... No.

No, Frank.

You did not see Sid.

But it was nice of you to think that maybe you did.

In summary, you have a simple choice.

Do you think Mr. Servant dropped the frozen burgers?

Or do you think they were dropped by... Sid?

That is not a good sign.

My lady.

The prosecution rests.

You know, we have a saying in Broy Ferry.

When someone has a huge success or a lovely experience, they say they've had

a Bob Servant moment.

Absolutely nonsense. No, it's so nonsense. We do.

No, we don't.

We do.

No, we don't. We do.

No, we do not. We absolutely do.

That is it, Mr. President. I rang the jury in your closing remarks. Okay,

okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Okay.

Ladies and gentlemen, I, Bob Shepard, give up.

They've got me.

I'm going to the big house with the bars on the windows.

Banned up with the baddies.